Remember All the Way

Last year, today

2012-01-29T20:52:00.002-05:00

A year ago today we got the first positive test of our lives- the first indication that our little baby was on the way. It's a day I'll never ever forget :)

So many new moms with new babies are posting so much lately, and I feel like I am such a lame new-mom blogger. When do you guys take a shower or clean up the kitchen or make your bed?! Haha. I have so much I want to tell everyone- or just document for the sake of remembering- but I feel like I barely have time to read how everyone is doing, much less write a coherent update of my own.

In a nutshell, Maryanne is doing awesome. She smiles and coos so much, and it just makes me melt. I can't believe that she is here- we are beyond lucky and blessed. Our nanny is great, and even when Maryanne is a little fussy, she is patient and loving. The one thing that seems to calm Maryanne down any time is reading books. I love that she loves to "read". We are still loving cloth diapering- prefolds and covers mainly, but we are just getting into using some fitteds and all in ones. We are exclusively breastfeeding, and it is also going great. With all the breastfeeding trouble we had in the beginning, I would never have guessed that it would be going this well at this point. She is no longer content to sit in her bouncy seat while we're eating- she likes to sit on my knee and watch us eating- if we are reading the paper, she will reach and grab for it, as if she needs to read it, too.

The one thing we are (I am) still struggling with is dinner. Mr. A does not like the texture of crock pot meals, and I have tried some new recipes lately that he has not liked at all. I am trying so hard to balance everything and cook like I used to, but it just doesn't work out very well alot of times. Mr. A always apologizes whenever he lets his criticism get a little too far, but it is hard to hear anyway, because of course I want to be able to feed him good, homecooked food that he likes. I know he is adjusting, too, in his own way, and we are being patient and forgiving with each other as we grow together as a family.

But no matter what, we are so grateful for the little girl we found out about one year ago today. We wouldn't trade her for anything, and we are so excited to see what this next year holds for the three of us!!

Home Run Dinner

2012-01-25T13:40:00.002-05:00

I have been on the hunt for dinner ideas that have short prep time... unfortunately Mr. A is not a huge fan of crockpot meals every night (sad face). I found the original recipe in a Cooking Light magazine and have adapted it just a tad. This seriously only takes 20 minutes to put together (shorter if you can chop the veggies ahead of time), and then it doesn't need long at all in the oven!! It was a heavenly dinner last night!!!

Baked Pasta and Vegetables

8 oz uncooked pasta (I used rigatoni)

1 Tb olive oil

2 cups chopped yellow squash (I used 2.5 small ones)

1 cup chopped zucchini (I used 1.5 small ones)

1 cup chopped onion

2 cups chopped tomato (I used 1 large one)

2 garlic cloves, minced

1 cup shredded mozzerella

1 tsp dried oregano

3/4 tsp salt

pinch of red pepper flakes

1/4 cup ricotta cheese

1 egg

1. Boil water and cook pasta

2. Preheat oven to 400F

3. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium/high heat. Add squash, zucchini, and onion. Saute until tender. Add tomato and garlic. Saute for a few minutes. Remove from heat. Stir in pasta, 1/2 cup of the mozzerella, oregano, 1/2 tsp of the salt, and the red pepper flakes

4. In another bowl, combine the ricotta, remaining salt, and egg. Stir into the pasta mixture. Spoon into a 8x8 dish that has been sprayed with nonstick spray. Add the remaining 1/2 cup of mozzerella on top.

5. Bake for 10-15 minutes, depending on how melted/crunchy you want the cheese

Fertile Assumptions

2012-01-23T14:05:00.005-05:00

If you are a regular reader, you may remember my "friend" from college who told everyone else except me that she was pregnant. You can re-live the awfulness here and here.

She has a blog, and while I don't read it very often, I check it maybe every few months... for no real reason really, but just because it is sadly entertaining (sometimes) to read how the naive and fertile population exists.

Anyway, I happened to check it this afternoon, and I discovered that she and her hubby and daughter (who is I guess almost a year old now?) recently went to the animal shelter to adopt a dog. The woman whom they met there suggested that maybe they should wait a little while to get a dog because their daughter is still so little and it would be alot to handle.

(Which I pretty much agree with the shelter woman- it is alot of work to incorporate a new dog into your household, and there is no way I would do it with a baby. Sure, we have two dogs, but they were well-established before Maryanne arrived, and they have done absolutely amazing at incorporating HER into their lives!)

But anyway, here is where the fertile mindset just assaults infertility. She wrote that she told the woman (in a fairly snappy tone, I imagine) that if they waited a little while for their daughter/child to be older, they would never get a dog, because their daughter isn't going to be their only kid.

WELL, EXCUUUUUUSE ME.

Since when does she have a crystal ball of reproduction/family building?

I guess I can't really blame her for being so presumptious, given her lack of experience with infertility. But it just sucks. If there is one thing that infertility rams into your head is that you have ZERO control over how your family expands. How dare you assume that children will come into your life when you think or want them to? (Of course we all know that for fertile people, children do come into their lives relatively when they want them to, which is just a cruel joke on the rest of us.)

I have a whole other post rattling around in my head about becoming pregnant again (I'm not, just in general). Bottom line, I'd love to have more children... I always said that I wanted three. But far be it for me to just assume that since we got pregnant with no help one time, that it will ever happen again. I actually assume the opposite- that Maryanne was just a miraculous fluke and that we will have trouble again whenever we decide we're up for trying again. And really, "trying" for us in the future will probably be way "less" than we did before. Maryanne is a huge answered prayer, and while we would totally welcome more children, she has filled the gaping hole in our hearts. Any more kiddos would just be huge bonuses- nothing we expect.

I have always said that I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, and that is still true, but I wish there was a way to make fertile people truly grateful for their fertility and see it as the phenominal GIFT that it is, and not have them all take it for granted in the huge way that they all do.

First Day Back

2012-01-09T21:16:00.002-05:00

Well folks, we survived.

Today was my first full day back at work since October 3. I am so fortunate to have had enough leave to get paid like normal and spend the last three months drooling over our miracle daughter. But we've decided that for now, since I can work from home, it is best for me to return to full time hours.

It was bittersweet when our babysitter C (the term "nanny" kind of conjures up a crusty old lady to me, and since our babysitter is young and vibrant, I'm just going to call her our babysitter) came to the door. We were confident in hiring her, and I knew that she was excited about working for us. Maryanne was such a trooper until it came time for a diaper change, and then she lost it. She was crying and crying, and I was on the phone with a teleconference, and the dogs were barking at the mail truck, and I was praying that C was being patient and loving, and then I was thinking to myself, can I really do this?

I was so impressed with C's care of Maryanne today. Even when she was crying, C was very encouraging and lighthearted. Maryanne only screamed a few times for a few minutes, and it did cross my mind to remind C not to shake Maryanne, but then I would hear her talking to Maryanne and reassuring her, and it made me feel much better. It warmed my heart to hear C reading books to Maryanne, singing to her, returning her coo's, and praising her for good smiles or holding a toy. When I would go fill up my water bottle and see C rocking Maryanne to sleep, I was comforted. And when I got to steal away to the nursery to feed my baby girl, I just basked in her presence. I am so unworthy of such a baby, of such a situation where I can work and still "be home" with her.

I hope that C was not discouraged by Maryanne's outbursts today; she said she expected some separation anxiety and that she thought today went well and was excited to be working with us. I think it will be great for Maryanne to have a new playmate and still be able to come see her mama whenever she wants to during the day.

I never thought I could cherish my time with Maryanne any more than I did before, but tonight when C left and it was just Maryanne and me (Mr. A was traveling for work today), I felt like our time together this evening was somehow more special because we'd been apart today. Not even apart really, but just not as together as we've been in the past three months. She was pretty zonked from her "exciting" day, and she peacefully fell asleep in my arms while I ate dinner. (Of course you know I couldn't put her down!) Because she was tired, she nursed with less vigor before bed tonight, but just seemed so satisfied to be close. I agree, baby. It is so good to have you close.

Especially after such a big day, for both of us. We made it, pumpkin. We can do this together!

Cosmic Reverse Psychology Session

2011-12-31T13:49:00.003-05:00

Cannot believe it is December 31, again. Can you stand another year-in-review post?

Maybe you should go back and read my post from last year on December 31. Then you will understand my title.

We had battled and lost, and last year at this time, we had pretty much given up hope of expanding our family. We had convinced ourselves that we were just as excited about eating organically and playing with our dogs as we would have been about decorating a nursery. And for all practical purposes, we truly were excited about those things. When you don't have an alternative, of course you are going to go bananas about making a fancy meal on a Wednesday night and teaching your dogs new tricks.

So I had decided to be bold and specifically NOT wish for a baby in 2011. I guess it was part self-preservation and part screw-you-infertility, but whatever it was- hell if I was going to tell myself that I'd have a baby in 2011 and have that empty prediction come crashing down again.

My friend always told me that God was going to knock my socks off when it came to expanding our family. I mostly believed her, but let's face it, after all the time of being without a child, I could never quite believe her 100%. I kept watching Him knock everyone else's socks off, and meanwhile, my socks were decidedly ON.

I will ask God someday why He waited to bless us with a child until we had give up 99.9% of hope of being parents. Maybe what I wrote last year was more true than I knew:

"But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true."

I had definitely given up on my dreams of how/when we'd have children. I think my thought pattern was something like "Supposedly God has something good in store for me, so I guess I will just have to lollygag around until whatever it is that is "so great" happens. If it is really going to happen."

I don't mean to imply that we should all start praying for our intentions as if God is playing a cruel game of Opposite Day. Actually, I think with respect to women struggling with infertility, it is the success stories of women who have given up or decided to adopt and then became pregnant which are sometimes the hardest. No one wants to hear that all you need to do is stop obsessing over getting two lines on a pee stick.

It goes without saying that 2011 has been the best year of my life. (2005 is a close second for when we got married.) I never in my wildest imagination thought we would conceive naturally after all we had been through, and I certainly didn't think it would happen this year. I was confident that 2011 would be a good year, but that was more like "Oh yah, I'm sure our dogs will be obedient this year" or "Won't it be neat to go to the winery down the street for their summer Friday picnics?" or "Let's buy some extravagant fancy car just because we won't have to pay for college".

I am so thankful for all that 2011 has meant to our family. Especially the arrival of our baby girl.

I hope that if we hadn't conceived like we did, that I would still be thankful for 2011. It's all hypothetical, but I hope that I would still have relished in the things that are blessings in our lives and held those as an example that no matter the size of our family, we are still very fortunate.

2012, you are coming after quite the year. 2011 set the bar way up high, and it is going to be a hard act to follow. But I will echo what I said last year, in that I hope that in 2012, we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food (now in the crockpot), and falling asleep at 9:15pm (okay maybe now by the time I get the kitchen cleaned up it is more like 9:30 or 10). We are so grateful that we have baby M to love this year, and we pray she will grow healthy and happy and strong and that we will be good parents to her. I don't know what specifically 2012 will hold, but I hope it's a year of health and happiness for our family and friends. And no more cosmic reverse psychology, okay?

Almost drowned in Christmas

2011-12-27T07:46:00.002-05:00

I should be sorting laundry or putting away Christmas decorations or, heck, eating breakfast or going back to bed- things I can't really do that well when M is awake, but I wanted to get some reflections on "paper" about our first Christmas as a family of three.

Bottom line, there were many days when I was sure that I would be swallowed up by the preparations of Christmas this year. M is not a very good napper now that she is "older", and when she is awake, of course all I want to do is play with her, so that doesn't make for good conditions for a decorated house or perfectly wrapped gifts. Or Christmas cookies. Or anything else that I would have finished in the second week of December any other year of my life.

Because this year I was a little distracted by an amazing blessing. And I wouldn't trade her for any timely decorations or Christmas cookies.

But I felt a little guilty. It's her first Christmas after all, and isn't it supposed to be perfect? Don't tell her, but we didn't even wrap her gifts from us. (The ones from her aunts/uncles/grandparents were wrapped, of course.) As we were bleary-eyed wrapping one night at 10pm, we couldn't see the point in wrapping gifts that we would be unwrapping for her a week later. She didn't know the difference, right?

We never made it to take her to see Santa. We forgot to take a picture of the three of us in our Christmas outfits (we remembered while she still had her dress on, but we had already gotten into jeans..).

But it all came together. Mr. A helped out alot more than he has ever helped before, and I couldn't have done it without him. We had a nice time visiting his family, and everyone was very thoughtful with their gifts.

It is hard to believe Christmas is already "over", but deep down I am sort of glad. There is so much outside pressure for everything to be perfect, and it was a little overwhelming for me as a new mom. I think it ended up being perfect in its own way, and that's what I'm going to hang onto, not feeling guilty because it wasn't more perfect by someone else's standards.

Because after all, she is a perfect gift to our family, and she is worth celebrating every day of the year :)

Unfortunate Debate

2011-12-19T09:53:00.003-05:00

Mr. A and I know this couple whose relationship is, on many accounts, completely toxic.

For the last 15 years, person B has been verbally abusive, manipulative, controlling, and disrespectful to person C on an almost daily basis.

Person C tries as hard as they can to let person B's tantrums go, but sometimes person C fights back.

This weekend, one of their fights became physical.

No one is seriously injured, and they have already done what they always do: go their separate ways for a few hours and then return home and pretend nothing ever happened. (GRRR!!)

So here is what Mr. A and I agree upon: Arguments should never be physical. If you feel yourself getting to that point, you need to just leave the area.

But here is our debate: After years of verbal abuse, is it understandable, if person C just couldn't take it anymore, and in a moment of desperation, person C lashed out physically?

I am not a huge victim sympathizer (e.g., don't whine to me if you get mugged in an alley at 230am all by yourself- you shouldn't have been there in that situation!), and so I will admit that it is beyond reason that person C has remained in this relationship. They shouldn't stay in a verbally abusive environment and then complain about it. But I suspect that person C thinks that staying is the "right" thing to do (for better or worse, right?), so that is why they stay.

I grew up in a manipulative, occasionally verbally abusive environment, and there were plenty of times that I wanted to slam the perpetrator's head into a wall. I get how awful it is to live like that.

Mr. A says that there is no excuse for violence in a relationship. He is a believer in "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Hypothetically I agree with him, but when you get blasted every day, you get very worn down. He says that doesn't matter- walk you butt out the door before you let it get under your skin.

Of course, neither person B or C is blameless. Person B should learn to control their mouth, and person C should learn to walk away. One person I was telling this story to said, where is person C going to go? I don't care where they go, but if they keep this behavior up, they're going to be going to jail (if the fights continue to be physical and someone calls the authorities)!! I don't know all the legal stuff, but I'm pretty sure that if they get reported, the powers that be aren't going to care about verbal abuse, just who threw the punch?

Bottom line, person C should have left before person B's words made their blood boil. But I can understand why person C lost it. It's a very sad situation.

What do you think?

Overwhelming Gratitude

2011-12-13T21:33:00.004-05:00

Today M got her 2-month shots. I was dreading the day, and I thought I'd cry more than she would, but luckily, I didn't cry at all, and she was in remarkably good spirits the rest of the day, considering she got stuck three times in the leg.

But she has been a little extra cuddly, and while I was reading some books to her tonight, as she was falling asleep, I was looking at her and just overcome with gratitude for her. I don't deserve her, and the fact that she knows that I'm her mom and that I will do anything in my power to help her relax and be calm and happy is just incomprehendable.

Last year at this time, I was blaring my Josh Groban Noel Christmas CD (I'm still listening this year, just not blaring). There is a song on there called "Thankful". If you've never heard it, click play below and listen.

There are a few lines that brought tears to my eyes last year for the hope they held, and they bring tears to my eyes this year for what has happened in our lives since then.

"So for tonight, we pray for what we know can be
And on this day, we hope for what we still can't see"

Just like infertility colors your entire world, I sang this song last year with my ache for a baby in my mind and in my heart. There were many many days I was so sure that we just wouldn't be parents, but somehow I prayed for it anyway because there was a tiny space in my heart that believed it could happen. I prayed for a baby despite everything, knowing all that we'd tried, all that had failed, knowing that we had pretty much resigned ourselves to being a family of two. Goodness knows, I couldn't see that in a little more than a month later, we'd get the surprise of our lives.

But not knowing what was in store for us, we had decided to change our perspective, to really celebrate and give thanks for the blessings we'd been given. It was quite a paradigm shift, and it took a while to get used to. But I could appreciate the lyrics...

"It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There's so much to be thankful for."

This year I'm having trouble believing that we're celebrating Christmas with a baby in our arms. It seems too good to be true. This was my dream that I was sure would never be real. I just cannot put into words how thankful I am for our baby girl. I hope these "year later" posts are not getting old, but they are all I think about these days.

I know that every one of you waiting for your little one feels like your prayer for a baby is one that can't be. Will you keep hoping for what you can't see right now?

Wanted:

2011-12-07T14:13:00.003-05:00

It is really hard to write the wanted ad for the nanny you're seeking to take care of your little one. I mean, how do you even put into words what you're looking for, and more importantly, how are you going to find someone who is as delighted as you are when she goes squealing away in her bouncy seat?

I am also in need of some sanity. I'm feeling kind of off today, and for the last few days, and the first thought I had is "maybe I'm pregnant". (Don't worry, I cannot believe in any remote sense of the word that that's the case. It was just the first thing I thought of, and it totally cracked me up given our 4-year stint to conceive baby M.) Come on!! Ha!! I have seriously lost my mind!!!

{I honestly do not know how infant moms blog regularly. I really want to get back here more often- bear with me!}

Where does the time go?

2011-11-17T16:21:00.004-05:00

Alot of times, it is hard for me to fully comprehend how much my life has changed in the last 6 weeks. Last October and November were full of very hard infertile days. How is it possible that my days this October and November are full of time with our baby?

I feel so lucky and blessed it is completely impossible to put into words. Last year there were so many days when I honestly doubted we would ever be parents.

I wish there was an app for real time blogging that I could plug into my brain because there is so much I want to write about. I don't know where the time goes anymore....

Everything is going well here. We are now exclusively breastfeeding (thanks to the nipple shield), we are getting the hang of our new dinnertime, and we are drinking in every moment with our daughter. I know I keep saying it, but it is so hard to believe that she is here, after everything we went through that didn't work.

For all of you who are still waiting, I think of you all.the.time. I pray that your arms won't be empty for much longer. I never thought that my arms would be filled, so don't give up hope.

(Edited to add: I just updated my blogroll. I don't know who is reading anymore (any active ttc'ers?), but I am amazed at how many people are now in my Baby Bump and Parents sections. Every single one of them (you?) is an infertility survivor. It seems like not so long ago where we were in the trenches of trying, of treatments, or of adoption. My prayer tonight is that the way that God has grown each of our families will give hope to those who are still waiting for their families to grow!)

Some humor

2011-11-09T11:16:00.002-05:00

Last night, I had made Asian Chicken in the crock pot, and luckily it was all ready to go because Maryanne was hungry when we were! So I was over in the armchair feeding her while Mr. A was eating and reading the comics. All of a sudden, he burst into hilarious laughter. He brought the paper over to me so I could see this comic:

Dinner, Interrupted

2011-11-06T14:23:00.003-05:00

So I find I am struggling in one area. Well, it is an adjustment for both Mr. A and I, but I feel responsible, even if that's not really true.

Dinnertime used to be part of our day we looked forward to- it was when we sat together and read the paper and talked about our days and other random things. I never used to do much prep work prior to getting home from walking the dogs (630ish), but somehow I still managed to cook a meal from scratch by 7 or 730 at the latest on most days.

Now, after we get home from walking the pups, it seems like there is a black hole for the escape-ment (is that a word?) of all time and order. Maryanne inevitably needs feeding or just to be held, which we are so thankful that she is here and needing our attention; it is a huge change from dinnertime routine we've been used to for the last 9 years. I can't for the life of me get my butt in gear to cook like I used to (yet), and as ungrateful as it sounds, the meals that have been brought to us have been kind of disappointing, as far as flavor and quality go.

I think I am doing pretty good as a mom, but I can't shake the guilt that I'm failing as a wife.

Mr. A tries hard to be patient and understanding, but it's just who he is- let his blood sugar drop below a certain level, and even if you try your hardest to gussy-up the weird looking roasted chicken someone brought you and make it into chicken salad and put it on a sad looking kaiser roll (because even though you have bread, you a worried that the mouse went in the toaster, so you are on a toaster boycott), he is not going to be able to veil his disgust.

Which will make you feel like crap because you couldn't come up with a better dinner.

I am not posting this to complain about his reaction to dinnertime lately (so please don't everyone leave comments that he's a jerk or something- he is an amazing husband and dad to our little girl- no one is perfect!), I am posting it to ask for help and advice on how other people make dinnertime calm and peaceful and successful as far as the atmosphere, and as far as quickly getting decent meals on the table for their family.

Two words-

2011-11-03T14:54:00.003-04:00

Nipple Shield.

Changed my life. And Maryanne's.

On Tuesday, one of my friends from childbirth class suggested I try a nipple shield to try to help Maryanne stay latched (her baby had the same issue of not wanting to stay latched). I went and bought one yesterday.

Um. Why didn't I try this before?!?!?!

We have been using it for feedings ever since I got home from Target with this blessed piece of plastic, and since midnight, she has taken the bulk of her feedings right from the breast, with only a few ounces of milk from a bottle over night, and none from the bottle since 8am this morning.

It's amazing!! After all this time (as if almost one month is alot of time), I can't believe we actually might get the breastfeeding thing down. I thought for sure ours was a lost cause! I hope it continues to go as well as it's gone today...

I know that alot of literature says that nipple shields shouldn't be a permanent solution, but from what I've read, it is more desirable to have a baby breastfeed with a nipple shield than not at all. (Not sure if "they" assume the alternative is formula, which in our case it wouldn't be since I have pumped milk.) Speaking of pumping, I haven't been pumping as much in the last 24 hours because I want there to be milk in the source when she tries to feed, so I don't have as much pumped milk in the fridge. I guess I shouldn't be too worried since it seems like she is getting enough from breastfeeding (wet/dirty diapers have remained steady, and she doesn't seem hungry after feeding)? It is kind of a paradigm shift from even 3 days ago when I pumped her entire diet!

A picture

2011-11-01T13:52:00.003-04:00

Hi again :) I know I said I'd post more, but I am still figuring out how to do actual things (e.g., have friends over, go to the store, make copious amounts of baked goods for Mr. A) in between taking care of M. She is such a good baby, and already on a generally predictable schedule, but especially since I'm pumping all her milk, sometimes the free chunks of the day don't line up well with what she needs.

But for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our little girl. (Okay, so it's not even a full face shot, but I'm not convinced that we want her photos all over the web...) She is so precious to us, and we are so grateful for the chance to be her parents.

In other gross news, there is a fieldmouse in our house. EW. Totally creeps me out. But we seem to have gotten one every fall that we have lived here. I guess it comes with the territory of living in a rural area and having it get cold outside. Sorry to say, but I hope this creature's days are numbered....

So much to say

2011-10-27T11:44:00.003-04:00

I barely know where to begin. Life with Maryanne has been really great. We are getting to know her little personality and her cues and what she needs from us to be a happy baby. It is such an honor to be her parents.

I guess a short and sweet update would be good. I have a ton to write about each of these topics, but for now, it will be good for me to at least get some bullet points out to help me organize my thoughts.

We started breastfeeding in the hospital, where it was clear that she preferred the left side. My milk really never came in when it was supposed to, though, and after many times of trying to feed her that way and having nothing there to drink, she became very frustrated with the idea of even trying. She has a great latch- she is just impatient or something. Per the lactation consultant, I'm eating oatmeal daily and taking fenugreek. Per her pediatrician, I'm on Metaclopramide (spelling probably not right). Thanks to these things, my milk is now here and it's all Maryanne eats. Long story short, I still offer food from the source, but the vast majority of her feedings are pumped milk in a bottle. I am still bummed from time to time that breastfeeding is not going great, but I am very happy that I can pump enough for her to be doing great on breastmilk alone.
She is sleeping great at night- at least I think so for a newborn. She basically wakes up every 3-4 hours to eat. She has almost even gotten herself on a normal schedule. We are usually up around midnight and 4am, and then again around 7. I always try to put her back in her packnplay after the last feeding, but she is usually up for good around 730am.
We had almost 3 straight weeks of out of town company after she was born. We are very grateful everyone was so excited and wanted to meet Maryanne and help, but this past Sunday when it was finally just the three of us for the first time since we left the hospital, it was such a relief.
Cloth diapering is going AWESOME. We are thrilled at how the prefolds and covers are working, especially that we were able to use them from the time she was 2 days old. I did try a newborn AIO, and it leaked (all over the lactation consultant, haha)- Maryanne's legs aren't chubby enough to fill the gaps, I think! I definitely recommend going the prefold route, especially at first. I do a load of diapers every other day and hang them on the clothes line outside, and no stains so far!
I can't for the life of me figure out the Moby wrap, but she loves the Ergo carrier! Not so much the newborn insert though- but she seems to be 100% comfortable and safe without the newborn insert (she has pretty good head/neck strength already and her legs stay curled up beneath her when she's in the carrier), so we've just been going sans insert.
Bert and Banana (the dogs) are doing great. As far as we can tell, they have suffered no ill psychological effects from Maryanne's arrival or presence. They are curious about her and protective when someone new is holding her, but when we tell them that "she's okay", they seem placated and let her be. They haven't exhibited any aggression or jealousy at all.

I think those are the main bullet points. I'm working a few mornings here and there, and it seems to be going okay. Definitely nice on the days when I don't log in, though! I can just sit on the couch and eat bonbons.... haha, right!!

Today's goal is to make brownies for Mr. A :)

Do you have any questions for me about how things are going for us? Leave a comment and I'll try to answer anything you're wondering!!

Drive By

2011-10-17T10:37:00.002-04:00

Things are very very good :) We have loads of company, so I haven't had time to post or even write up my thoughts- once things settle down, I will be back!!!

Life Changing: We're three

2011-10-05T02:19:00.007-04:00

Way back in January, we were graced with a life-changing pregnancy test result. Never before had we gotten a positive, and we knew that our lives would never be the same.

Today (October 4), on her due date, Miss Maryanne made her blessed arrival to join our family on the outside. She is perfect, and we cannot stop saying "wow" and reflecting on the journey that brought us to her.

The short and sweet: She's 6lbs 12oz and 18 inches long :) She was born at 9:36pm on her due date. And she's very sweet ;-)

The long:

My water broke at 12:30am on October 4. I was a "pop" that literally woke me out of my sleep, and I could not believe the amount of water that I was leaking!!! Not at first, but every time I would lay down or get up, I would totally gush more all over the place. It was incredible!! That was the most surprising thing about labor- I never imagined there would be so much water.

I paged the midwife on call, and she said to get some rest and come into the office at 8am to be checked. I debated whether to really take her advice- shouldn't I stay up and do yoga to encourage the contractions?? But in the end, I decided to rest, and I am pretty glad I did.

We went to the office in the morning to get checked, and the midwife who would be on call all day October 4 saw us. I was at 4cm!! She ordered an NST to make sure Maryanne was doing alright, and said that if she couldn't get the managing doc's approval for us to return home, it was off to the hospital since my water had broken.

The doc gave approval for us to go home and come back in 3 hours!!! This was a huge relief to me. My contractions had been very mild and about 9-10 minutes apart in the wee morning hours, but by 8am, they'd tapered off. The midwife suggested the black sheep of the natural induction methods- castor oil!!! She said even with the potential bathroom side effects, she would rather have those than do pitocin. So Mr. A dropped me off at home, and went to pick up some juice and castor oil. I didn't think it was all that bad of a mixture, to tell the truth- I drank a big glass of 2oz of castor oil with lots of juice at about 11am.

We went back to the office, and I'd progressed to 5-5.5 cm :) I hadn't had any ill effects from castor oil yet, so that was good. Baby's heartbeat was still good, too. The contractions were slightly more intense, but still 5-6 minutes apart. The midwife suggested we go walk our dogs for an hour, and then head to the hospital. So that's what we did!

We checked in here around 2:30pm, and contractions were about 5 minutes apart. (Castor oil note: I did have 3 instances of pretty much 100% big-D. But they were not uncomfortable, and I was sort of glad that there wouldn't be anything left when I started to push!) We walked the halls, bounced on the birthing ball, did some yoga, and watched some Netflix. Mr. A went home and let the dogs out and fed them dinner and arranged with our neighbor for her to let them out again at 8pm. While he was gone, I felt the contractions intensifying (both in duration and interval), and I was very encouraged.

At 6pm, the midwife did an internal check. Only 6cm. MAJOR BUMMER. Since my water had broken at 12:30am, she suggested trying to get the contractions to become closer and more powerful with....duh duh duh duhhhhh...pitocin! I was pretty bummed, and for about 5 minutes, I was sure I was going to cry with every word that came out of my mouth. But, Mr. A encouraged me- we didn't want to be up against a hospital policy of delivering within 24 hours of broken water just because I didn't want some pitocin, and end up with a c-section. The midwife noted that I was already 6cm, so it wouldn't take the max dosage, and that if the baby was in distress, they would cut off the IV. So we agreed.

The pitocin sure did the trick. The contractions got way more intense and right at the 2 minute mark interval that "they" like to see. I was still practicing my yoga breathing and using my aromatherapy oils to manage the discomfort, and Mr. A did an awesome job of keeping a cold washcloth on the back of my neck. At one point, I threw up a few times, but our nurse and midwife were awesome in encouraging me and not letting it derail my focus.

I think around 8pm, I felt pressure in my bottom during contractions, which the midwife said was a great sign that she was moving super low. But she said that the ideal is when the pressure remains even after the contraction. Well, it wasn't exactly remaining, but the urge to poop during each contraction was getting really strong. At about 8:45, I decided I wanted to try changing positions to see if that would help.

Since I was changing positions anyway, my midwife decided to check. 8cm! Wow, was I disappointed. At this point, contractions were obviously the most intense and coming at intervals of 1-2 minutes, and I was sure I was more than ready to push.

But I decided to go ahead with the change of positions anyway. They raised the head of the bed, and I sort of did a kneeling/upright child's pose, hanging over the back of the bed. Contractions were crazy intense in this position, but I remained committed to my birth plan of no pain meds.

Finally at 9:10pm, I couldn't not push anymore. The next contraction I went for gold. The change in positions must have done wonders for my dilation, because my midwife checked me during the contraction and said I was good to go.

When people tell you that pushing the baby out feels like taking a huge bowel movement, they are not kidding!! Every time I went to push, I was sure poop was going to be spewing about, but I think the castor oil had totally cleaned me out thankfully!

I pushed for 20 minutes, and at 9:36pm, she was born. Wow is all I can say. It was a little complicated getting me turned around and sitting down, given the position that I'd been pushing in, but the nurse and midwife and Mr. A all helped me greatly. She cried right away, and her apgar scores were 8 and 9. We did skin to skin while I delivered the placenta and Mr. A cut the cord after it stopped pulsing. We did our best at breastfeeding right away, but she was a little too fussy to calm down to latch.

About 10:30pm, the nurse did her weight and all that other stuff (right in the room with us), and then we held her for some more time. I took a shower and she got her first bath which she hated ;-)

The room I labored and delivered in is also a postpartum room, but they had a sudden influx of patients in labor, so they moved us to a room normally used by c-section patients. We were able to breastfeed 10 minutes on each side!

All in all, we couldnt have been blessed with a better experience. Sure, I wanted to avoid pitocin, but I am thankful I didn't need to be induced with it, only that a little was used to augment what my body was already doing. With Mr. A's help and my prenatal yoga training, I was able to have the pain med-free birth I'd been hoping for, too. And, of course, the biggest thing to be grateful for is our beautiful daughter, who's now in our arms.

Literally. It is 3am, and I've been up for 27 hours, and I did put her in her bassinette for maybe 20 minutes while she slept, but then she started fussing, and I just can't bear to put her down.

We are so thankful for today, the day the Lord has made for us to welcome Maryanne into our family. We know, again, that our lives will never be the same!!!

Nesting: My version

2011-10-04T11:27:00.000-04:00

I have done more than a couple posts on my in-laws during the last 9 months, and I just had to share this with you, too.

My IL's both grew up in very humble circumstances, but they have managed to situate themselves financially where they have gotten into a habit of buying luxurious things just because they can. Case in point, when they remodeled their kitchen, they put in a $12,000 stove. No, I'm not kidding. And no, they are not gourmet chefs, nor do they even cook from scratch on a regular basis. But you would think, from how they talk, that their oven makes better muffins than my regular one does. (I assure you, the muffins are the same, if not better, from my oven.)

And when MIL was talking about buying a new car, she was saying how she wanted the one that costs almost $60k. Her reasoning? Well because she wants it to last 9 or 10 years. Mr. A reminded her that my car cost $23k 9 years ago, and it has been an awesome, reliable car.

So you get my point. There is really no need to spend as much money as they do.

The other area where MIL spends a ton of useless money is furniture. We all joke about it, but between 2 houses they own, I think we counted 13 couches. Not including chairs. The joke is who's going to get willed the couches when she dies. Ha! She is constantly moving them from one room to another or rearranging the layout of the rooms (much to FIL's and her sons' dismay...).

Anyway, yesterday we were IM'ing. She goes, "Are you moving furniture or cleaning closets or any nesting things like that?"

Hehe. If this baby isn't going to come until I'm moving furniture, she is going to be in there indefinitely! We have ONE couch, a recliner, and an oversized chair in our family room, and it has been arranged in one of two positions in the whole past 4 years, and we only moved things because Mr. A wanted to see how it looked!!! (We left it in the second arrangement for a few months and then moved it back.)

And while I did clean out our closet in March to organize it for a maternity section, and I cleaned Maryanne's closet to make it organized with her stuff, the other two bedroom closets are untouched!!! Actually, they are probably worse off than they were in January, because where do you think all the stuff from Maryanne's closet went?! Haha!

I told her that I was not moving furniture or cleaning closets, and she concluded that I won't deliver for another two weeks then. (Because, clearly, you have to move a couch before your baby comes...)

Instead, I told her that my nesting comes in the form of making tons of scratch freezer meals and taking care of unruly landscaping. I could tell that she didn't buy it, but she tried really hard, responding "Well if you are restless, that is good, too."

Hehe. To each her own ;-)

Are you miserable?

2011-10-03T09:46:00.003-04:00

Mr. A wanted to know last night. He said that all his coworkers keep asking him if I'm miserable, and when he says no, they tell him that that's crazy- I am miserable.

I think that is crazy talk.

I honestly don't know what to say to women who say they are miserable at the end of their pregnancy. Or the ones that whine that they want their body back. I just don't even know what they're thinking.

Okay fine, when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, my lower back really hurts and there is a ton of pelvic pressure, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl hanging out just where she is supposed to be right now, fully engaged and ready to meet us!

Okay fine, my belly has gotten pretty huge, and I have to chuckle that when I'm doing dishes I have to stand farther back from the sink to make room for it, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl growing just like she's supposed to!

For every symptom-related complaint I've ever heard about the end of pregnancy, I can't think of any response that doesn't come back to the fact that pregnancy is such a huge blessing, and women who complain about it (without the disclaimer that they know that it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby) have no idea how many other women would give their right arm to feel the same way. There are fertility clinics full of patients who are paying $20k a pop out of pocket for a chance to pee 3 times a night or have heartburn all the time.

So to the women who selfishly wail about being miserable at the end of pregnancy or write up eviction notices for their growing babies, I say how dare you. How dare you complain about the miracle of new life and all that it takes to create such a thing, and how dare you complain that your baby is still healthy and growing inside when so many moms go through miscarriage and infant loss?

And in other non-miserable news, my appointment this morning went great :) Blood pressure was 128/78, total weight gain is 26lbs (eh), but they are happy with that, her heartbeat was 143, she is at 0 station, I'm 2cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Midwife is really pleased with how my body is getting ready- we made an appointment for an NST and other post-due monitoring for next Wednesday (10/12), but she said she will be surprised if Maryanne isn't here by then. YAY!

Acupuncture at 1pm today to see if that will further help my body get ready! So excited!!!

Anticipation

2011-10-02T10:07:00.002-04:00

39w5d here! Baby girl is still snuggled up inside :) I love feeling her move around :)

We are beside ourselves with excitement to meet her! It's kind of a strange place to be right now, though, because while I have loved everything about being pregnant (even the things that people complain about bring a smile to my face), and I would never wish it away (on the contrary, I would like to be pregnant forever!), I just cannot WAIT to meet our baby girl!!!

I am really trying not to be impatient. You'd think after waiting 4 years for her to get here, I'd have learned my lesson that everything happens when it's supposed to. My neighbor thinks that she will be born on the 11th (exactly 1 week late), which is my grandma's (Hazel) birthday. We shall see!

Neighborly love

2011-09-29T17:21:00.002-04:00

Well gee.

I went out this afternoon to attack the front yard bushes and trees. My neighbor was in her backyard mowing her yard. I was going about, hacking away branches to my heart's content (seriously, it looks SO much better now), and then I realize that she is now mowing OUR backyard! I went back to tell her that I had every intention of mowing the yard tomorrow (not this afternoon only because I sort of do want the cleaning people to come tomorrow morning, and I was thinking that bouncing around on a riding lawnmower may do the labor trick- pure speculation, of course....), and that she didn't have to mow ours, but she happily said that she wanted to. It was so sweet of her!!

So I went back to hacking branches. Then I realize that she is now mowing our side yard!!! What! I reminded her that she really doesn't have to, but she insists. I started to bag the smaller stuff I'd trimmed and make a big pile of the larger branches to pull around to the backyard. When I got back into the front yard, she is now mowing the front yard!!!

Wow. She finished mowing just about as I was done hauling everything out of the front yard (okay, so now there is a big pile of branches in the backyard, but hopefully the garbage people will take them on Monday!!), and we talked for a few minutes. She reminded me that we mowed their yard when her husband was sick last summer, but still, I feel like I owe her big time! Maybe I will make them a batch of cookies or some cinnamon rolls....

I am so happy that the trees are trimmed. They look so much cleaner. WHEW!

AND, another fun thing is that there is another gal my age-ish in my neighborhood who had a baby earlier this year, and we always say "hi" in passing when we're walking our dogs, but we've never talked. Well today, she was out walking and she came up to introduce herself!!!! I was so excited!! I don't know exactly how old her baby girl is, but we exchanged phone numbers and are going to get out to walk with each other sometime after Maryanne is born! From first impressions, it seems like we would get along great- another new friend!

What an awesome afternoon!

My other half

2011-09-28T17:12:00.002-04:00

(Mr. A)

I am pretty sure that at one point or another, nearly every infertile wife will say or write (or at least think) that there is no way she could survive infertility without her husband. At least that would be my prayer for all infertile women (if we have to be infertile), that we would all be blessed with amazing husbands- I cannot even imagine going through the struggles of longing for a baby without the support of Mr. A.

He is is a problem-solver like me, but in a more man-problem-solving way. All throughout our journey to conceive, no matter what stumbling blocks we hit, he remained objectively focused on our desire to expand our family. Even when I'd be emotional and wishy-washy, he never stopped believing that we would welcome a baby here someday, and he was going to do whatever it took to get to the bottom of whatever mysterious issue was preventing us from conceiving.

But even as he was strong and steadfast and held his vision for us, I tried to remind myself that it wasn't all about me; he wanted to be a dad, too, and even though lots of times, he didn't let it affect so much of his life, like I did. But he knew the pain of infertility, too. But sometimes, in the throws of infertility, it was easy to forget that he felt the stress and longing and anticipation, too.

And as he was encouraging me the other night when I was ~~freaking out about stupid little things~~ talking about how annoyed I was, I had sort of a flashback to last fall and all the times when I ended up so absorbed in my own infertility journey that I forgot he was going through it, too, with me.

He's about to become a dad. Something he's always wanted. But not something he is taking lightly. He is already the hardest-working person I have ever known in my life, but I can tell that now, all his work and time away and job and responsibilities are starting to be in a new light in his mind. It won't be just work or a paycheck anymore- it will be a way for our family to thrive and grow together and be happy.

No pressure! While I am rambling on about the wooly bushes in our front yard, he reminds me that he's been having a crazy time at work right now, too, and it's not just me who's feeling pulled in all different directions.

Humility check!

I am so grateful for the perspective that he brings to our marriage and to our life- all our journey together-, and how he strives to provide the best life imaginable for us. How even when he has stupid days at work, if he gets home and I'm being fussy about whatever silly thing (which I promise is not that often), he will selflessly let me fuss until I remember that maybe I should ask how he is doing.

He is going to be an awesome dad. Last night, when we went to sleep, Maryanne was moving like CRAZY. She is so low and I guess running out of room, so her movements were really powerful! I was loving it, and I whispered to him that she was going nuts. I think he thought it was making me uncomfortable (it wasn't really, I was just keeping him posted), because he rolled over and started rubbing my bump, and he goes "Sssssh, sweetie, it's okay..."

It was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. (And, can I just say, she quieted down! Wow! I told him he was in charge of bedtimes!!!) I just laid there smiling for a while. I am so lucky.

So no matter if you are still in the trenches of infertility or if you are preparing to welcome a baby into your house or if you are parenting a little one, don't forget your other half. They are walking beside you through this journey, too, even if you feel like some days it's all on your shoulders. Don't forget to consider their feelings when things are tough, and don't forget to rejoice together when things are great!

Uncool

2011-09-27T12:13:00.003-04:00

(Update from post this morning- see below)

Good (cool) news: Mr. A encouraged me to go to my yoga class and call the repair place on the way. (I was fretting, what if I called, and they said they could only come at 10:30? He said, don't worry about it, just tell them you won't be home till the afternoon. Love that he puts my sanity ahead of all the condiments that may or may not have to be replaced....) AND, it was a great yoga class. The other girl who is also 39 weeks (gah, still can't believe I'M 39 weeks!!) was also there, and we are hoping that we are cuddling our babies by this time next Tuesday morning. AND, after class, we went to this cupcake place and got cupcakes for a treat. So fun :) I am glad that I took Mr. A's advice and went to yoga because....

Bad (uncool) news: The earliest the fridge people can come out is tomorrow between 1-6pm!!! Wow. Definitely thankful we have our chest freezer, and definitely hoping it doesn't crap out, too. Trying to figure out how we can eat at home (without relying on takeout for every meal) because they said depending on the part required, it might be MONDAY before it is fixed. That's right. Like, the day before Maryanne is due. Oh well, trying to roll with the punches here!! (The cupcake that I got after yoga is helping....it is REALLY good!)

But overall, feeling WAY better today and not really annoyed at anything right now. It would be sort of hilarious (in retrospect, I'm sure) if she was born in the next few days and we had a houseful of company with no refrigeration capabilities.

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

2011-09-27T07:33:00.003-04:00

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

TGIF etc

2011-09-23T13:43:00.003-04:00

So glad it is Friday!! It will be so nice to sleep in tomorrow!!

Thanks for all the compliments on baby girl's name :) We are so excited to meet her! In the "All things TMI" file, I think I lost at least a portion of my mucus plug last night! Of course tons of people lose it and don't go into labor any time soon, but I was just so excited that it seems like my body is gearing up to have this baby! I might be feeling a tad more crampy today, but I am not sure if that is my mind playing tricks on me or not. It is sort of a throwback to the endless days of the 2ww's...trying to analyze my "symptoms" without going crazy and knowing the whole time that they could all mean nothing.

An update on my friend who had a less-than-glowing reaction to the name- she says that she really does like the name- she just thought it was a joke because she'd just talked to me on Saturday and I was staunchly against sharing the name, so when I emailed her about it on Monday, she just thought I gave up and made something up to appease her. She nevertheless admits it was her fault. I still don't think it was a very thoughtful way to react to someone telling her the name of their child, even if it WAS a joke! Because how are you to know?! Even if I told her that we were naming her something like "Paint-Can", I think it's the friend's job to say something nice, even if they hate it! Haha!!

I have a few things that we really need from the grocery store (BUTTER being numero uno), but it is POURING rain today, and I don't really want to go out. Not like the store isn't just 15 minutes away or anything, and not like I have anything else to do this afternoon. Unbelievably, after having my concentration at work be completely absent from January till July, I have totally buckled down in August and this month, and I am sitting in a great position every day at 1pm when I turn off my computer... lest I don't get to turn it on the next morning!

Yesterday, I had lunch with two girls from my prenatal yoga class, and we sat and ate and talked for just over two hours! It was SO nice, and I really hope I have made some lifelong friends. One is due Oct 1 (just a few days ahead of me), and the other is due Dec 28. We talked about all kinds of things (not just baby stuff), and I am so grateful to have met them. It is nice to have the common bond/interest in how yoga helps us to be the healthiest as possible going into labor and delivery and that kind of carries over into other common things like prioritizing healthy/whole eating and active hobbies and things like that. But it is also nice because we all come from different backgrounds, so it was really neat to find out a little more about our histories and families!

Well I think I will do my best to get myself motivated to run to the store. I don't want to put it off too much longer, and the thought of not having any butter in the house is kind of scary ;-)

Update

2011-09-20T12:26:00.005-04:00

Since I'm only working mornings, now, this morning I went back and read through my email conversation with my friend. She actually said "You'll be sorry when I call her...." instead of "Joke will be on you..." and I think what she actually said is a little worse than what I thought she said. Oh well.

Literally everyone else that we have told really likes the name (including the girls in my yoga class), so that makes us feel really happy. Even though I know everyone else's approval is not required.

I'm working this afternoon since I had yoga this morning, and I just opened my email and my friend has emailed me this:

"Did I totally offend you yesterday???? I fretted about it all evening...."

Well, let's see. You just told a mom who emailed you a totally legitimate email announcing the name of her child that the you think the name is a joke.

Hmm.

I have a pretty high standard for offending actions, so I'm not sure if I was "offended", but I definitely didn't appreciate it, and I think it would have been less awkward if she'd just said, well that is pretty old-fashioned for a baby, or whatever characteristic that made her think the name was a joke.

I was definitely concerned about people's comments about the name, which is why I wanted to wait until she was born to share, but like I said yesterday, I just couldn't deny Mr. A's excitement to share. He had always been confident that it was a beautiful name, and he wasn't worried at all about negative feedback, and I count myself very lucky that so far we have only my friend in that category.

And for all my dear devoted readers, for maybe just a day or so until I get paranoid and remove this part of this post, her name is....

(Edited out- sorry you missed it!)

Hope you don't think it's a joke ;-) We think it is beautiful and feminine and strong, just like we hope our little girl will be! (See previous post for the family inspirations.)

What should I write back to my friend???

Insert foot....

2011-09-19T13:27:00.003-04:00

Had another good midwife appointment this morning! After that random high blood pressure week, it is down again this week (as it was last week). I guess it was just a fluke or something!

Mr. A was so excited to share the name of baby girl. He just couldn't wait any longer!! So even though I wanted it to be a surprise, I feel like I should honor his excitement and had him share with our families!!

Basically, we combined our moms' names for her first name, and used my Grandma's (who just passed away in July) middle name as her middle name. All in all, her name is very traditional and feminine, and her middle name is kind of an older one that you don't hear often anymore. Her first two initials are MH. So far, out of everyone who has responded (most people), only one person has acted like they totally did not like it. (Even Mr. A's brothers said it sounded pretty!)

When I emailed this person her name today, I was all excited to share it with her because I'd just talked to her on Saturday and she was wanting to know. She said that her vote would be for something traditional.

What does she email back today?

"Joke will be on you when I call her M for the next 10 years!"

Um.

I don't get it. That is her name!

Hahaha. Awkward!!!

We exchanged a few more email "conversations" where she asked "who is H?", and "how did you come up with M? random?". She never said anything about liking it or anything!

I was really surprised. Have to say it kind of stunk to field her reaction, and I know that all that matters is that we like the name, but I am just so glad that everyone else we've told loves it!! Even Mr. A's mom who has been decidedly and unpredictably disinterested in the pregnancy said that she liked the name and was honored that we used her name in baby girl's first name. Good PR move by us, huh? Haha. It wasn't just for PR though- Mr. A first came up with the idea, and we love her first name!

So anyway, I am not sure how my next interaction with my friend will go. It was so awkward after how she responded at first! Luckily, I don't actually see her that often, so maybe it won't be weird by whenever I see her next.

But whatever! Cat's outta the bag, and we are excitedly looking forward to the day when M comes out to play!

Preparations (type-A heaven)

2011-09-17T17:21:00.003-04:00

This post will probably be boring or totally hilarious to those of you fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants'ers, but I have had alot of fun preparing for this baby, and luckily, there are only a few things on my list that are not completed. I am feeling great, and I think it is helping me to feel very calm about the "any day now" baby birthing that is ahead of me.

So here goes :)

Here was my "Before the Baby" list:
set up downstairs changing area
order more wipe solution
buy witch hazel @ the drugstore
finish prepping AIO's
fix roof (totally new roof getting put on second week of Oct!)
pack hospital bag
talk to neighbors about dog care
unpack car seat, pack n' play, bouncer
make freezer meals
organize/label linen closet
clean out car
install car seat
clean off kitchen bench
write house manual
make a list of favorite recipes
make housekey copies
clean vacuum filters
clean the house (thank you, cleaning crew!)
organize freezers
buy vegetarian something for Great Aunt B
reorganize family room shelves

(And no arguing, Great Aunt B. You are not going to come here and have to eat celery while serving up delicious carnivore meals for my hubby (and me) (and whoever else is here)... There WILL be boca burgers for you, if I have to make a special trip before we go to the hospital....)

It has been really fulfilling to cross things off this list. I just went this morning and got some last minute things at the store, and I think I won't have to make another trip before M comes, as long as she is not overdue. That is so exciting for me!

Today has been really great. I slept kind of awful on Thursday night thanks to my runny nose, but last night I slept SO much better. We had a light breakfast, and then I went to run some errands- grocery store, Target (cotton skirt for laboring, hooks to hang up brooms/mops in laundry room), the bulk store, and the farm. I've changed our sheets, done 4 loads of laundry, hung all then hanging clothes up, and folded and put away all the other clothes. In between all this, I talked to one of my friends for about half an hour while eating lunch, and laid down and got my fill of the Saturday Food Network lineup. Now we are just waiting on Mr. A to get home from his pilot training. I'm making sloppy joe's for dinner- a double batch so I can freeze what's leftover for when M is here!!!

And speaking of FOOD, I've prepared 10 items (including sloppy joe's tonight) for the freezer that will hopefully come in handy when M is here. I made them all last week, and while there was one day that was kind of hectic (I made the pulled pork and enchiladas in the same day), it all came together kind of quick! Here is the list

Chili
Meatballs (30) (for subs or pasta)
Enchiladas (9x13 pan)
Pulled BBQ Pork
Sloppy Joes
Pizza Crusts (4)
Meatloaf (2)
Hamburgers (10)
Honey Garlic Chicken
Cooked (roasted) Chicken (enough for 3 meals: Chicken Pot Pie, Chicken Salad Sandwiches, Almond Chicken Bake)

I made double batches of chili, enchiladas, and sloppy joes (tonight), and froze whatever we didn't eat for dinner. All of the other things were specially prepared just for the freezer. I thought it would seem like more work than it was, making totally extra dinners, but it wasn't too bad at all. This is my first foray into freezer cooking- I hope we will like the results!!!

I did actually write up some "Kitchen Info" and "Laundry Info" for visitors when they are here, including the location of key items, and what foods are in which freezer (kitchen or garage). I hope it will help. I am sure that Mr. A's mom will still be totally befuddled as to where the chemical-laden Dow.ny is (we just use vinegar for fabric softener), and I'm sure that someone will put my sharp knives in the dishwasher, but I'm going to have to let it go. This whole having people stay at my house and not be totally in charge of making everyone comfortable will be a huge departure from my normal hostess self, but maybe my type-A personality could use a little rounding at the edges ;-) For now though, I am grateful for it- I am feeling totally relaxed and happy and ready/excited/hopeful for labor to start so we can all meet M!

Survived Cleaning Day

2011-09-16T12:32:00.003-04:00

And by "survived", I mean I sat in my office and worked and fed the dogs three days worth of treats while the cleaning team went to work on our house.

But, the cleaning team did a great job. They were very friendly, very thorough, and I think this will be a very good thing. It took them three hours (gulp), but that I imagine now that they will be coming every two weeks, it won't take them that long next time. I kept the dogs crated (or outside) while they were here, but I'm not sure I will have to do that every time, until of course they are wash the floors and then the dogs will need to be up for a while.

Among normal cleaning tasks, they vacuumed under the couch cushions, they dusted the ceiling fan in our 2-story family room, and they moved the shoe basket by the front door that was housing a whole civilization of dust bunnies behind it (clearly that was not on my list of normal cleaning tasks). I think Mr. A will be very happy :) And for what it's worth, the toilets are sparkling!

In other news, I have caught a cold :( I am not too happy about having a runny nose in the same general time frame as possible labor and delivery, but I'm trying to rest up in a serious way so that I am not sick for very long.

And for those of you who're wondering about belly pics, they are in their own link to the side (-->)... I just can't bring myself to post them in the normal post area...

"You can call me..."

2011-09-15T08:41:00.002-04:00

So on Saturday, Mr. A is going up to help his dad and brother move around some furniture for a project they are working on. His parents' house is about an hour and half away.

When he told me about it, I didn't think anything about it. We've driven up there for day trips countless times; it doesn't even "seem" like a trip at all, really. I even wondered if I should go, if his mom was going to be there, too (it's their second home), but turns out she won't be there.

Last night after dinner, Mr. A goes "Well you know, you can call me anytime on Saturday if anything, like, you know, happens."

Maybe I am just a little dense in the head lately, but it honesty took me a few seconds to realize what he was talking about.

Oh, right. Labor! Haha :)

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote a post about how when you struggle with infertility for so long, the prayer for a child almost becomes abstract and unreal. I mean, of course you are actively praying for a baby, but when your prayer goes unanswered forever, you lose the immediacy and the real-ness of your request. At least sometimes I felt that way. Like, oh sure, I'm praying for a baby, but like that is ever going to happen.

Now that I am almost to the end of this miracle pregnancy, there are still times when I feel like the reality that (God-willing) there will be a healthy baby girl in our arms in less than a month is kind of abstract. We have been preparing for this baby in so many ways for such a long time that, even now that she is almost here, it is hard for me to believe and wrap my head around some days.

Today I'll be praying that we'll all renew the passion that we have about our prayers, especially the ones that have taken on a distant feel, and the power of prayer in general!!

the dad thing to do

2011-09-13T07:50:00.001-04:00

(Warning, grossness ahead.)

So last night , Mr. A and I took the pups for our normal evening walk. It was not even that hot- a nice, mild sunny evening. We came home, and he wanted hot dogs for dinner, which is nice because that's easy and I'd been cooking meatballs and pulled pork in the afternoon to freeze for when M is here, so something easy/quick was just what I was looking for, too.

But their virtue of quickness also was their downfall, I think. Because they're so quick, dinner was on the table probably less than 20 minutes after we got home. We also had carrot sticks which are also really quick-prep.

We sat right down to eat, and as I was finishing my hot dog, I got that feeling that something wasn't right. I did NOT feel good. I knew what was coming, and I stood up to see if stretching out my torso would help. Didn't really help. I opened the back door to step onto the deck to see if fresh air would help. If I had known it would not help, I would have gone the other direction into the bathroom, but instead, 3 seconds after I stepped outside, I lost 100% of my dinner onto the deck. I guess at least I wasn't still in the kitchen.

I think it was just too much food too fast for my crowded stomach so soon after our walk. I felt kind of bad because of the huge mess on the deck. I knew that it would have to be cleaned up (hosed off) immediately, and that Bert would (disgustingly) still go foraging for any scent of dinner that he could find when we let them out to play after dinner.

Mr. A has a pretty sensitive stomach when it comes to gross things- smells, especially (and the other big one is thought of eating quiche)- his family teases him endlessly about the "I'm about to throw up face" he made one time we were all staying at a cute B&B and they served some kind of quiche/baked egg dish- and I knew he probably had to run into my office to keep from watching me lose a hot dog and some carrot sticks outside. As I was finishing up getting rid of dinner, I heard him coming around the side of the house. I warned him not to come up on the deck, for fear he would lose his dinner, too.

But what is he doing? He is hooking up the hose to the spigot. He is getting ready to clean off the deck. He is saying, it's alright, why don't you go inside and brush your teeth and get some water. He is saying, I will clean this up.

I was floored!! He cleaned up the whole deck without even making his upchuck face, and he kept assuring me it was okay and it's too bad I got sick.

Some women get that warm fuzzy feeling when their husbands bring them roses or make them dinner. What strikes complete admiration into my heart? What Mr. A did last night and knowing that he is going to continue to be an amazing caring husband and will be awesome dad to baby M, even if it means cleaning up messes on the deck that would have sent him running to the hills a few months ago....

Relief

2011-09-12T11:22:00.004-04:00

37 weeks tomorrow, folks. Holy camoley.

We are so excited that it is getting to the point where M could come at any time!! The last few days have had several overwhelming there-is-so-much-to-do-before-then moments, though. Those aren't so fun. But Mr. A and I are a good enough team that even if things get a little tense, we just chock it up to the immediacy of the situation, and move on. We are not the most lovey-dovey-PDA couple on the planet, but we are an AMAZING team, and if there is something we need to accomplish together, you better believe we're going to knock it out of the park.

After my last midwife appointment with the high blood pressure issue, I was kind of nervous about this morning's checkup. Especially since, like I said, there were a few times this weekend when I was not exactly calm or collected.

But I practiced some yoga for just about 15 minutes before I got ready to go. Because the midwife last time had indicated that I should be prepared to go to the hospital if any of my subsequent appointments revealed a situation which warranted going, I printed out the dog documents for people who are helping us with the pups when it comes time to meet M, and I printed out the kitchen info sheet that has all our freezer stock lists and favorite recipes and what all freezer meals are going to be available for eating. (Yes, I'm type-A. I'm going to do a post on the meal situation soon!) I got my hospital bag, and said bye to the pups. Who knew when I'd be home again!

Mr. A met me at the office. It was so nice for him to come with me this time (he couldn't make it last time). We talked about how excited he is to be almost done with his lessons to get his pilot's license. We talked about buying a little plane for our family (you know, when we win the lotto). I took some more deep blood-pressure-lowering breaths.

They called me back, and much to my surprise, I've actually lost three pounds in the last 10 days. I hear that sometimes that happens before delivery. Yay! There was no protein in their urine screening. AND, my blood pressure was 130/80!!! Absolute best news of the day. My midwife was going to have me re-do the 24-hr urine catch just to make sure nothing was amiss, but she decided against it because the results from the one last weekend were within the normal range, but mostly because my blood pressure went back down, I have no signs of swelling/water retention, and their urine sample was free of protein. YAY.

I am so relieved, it's hard to describe. I am totally ready to meet M, but I want her to be good and ready and healthy when she comes!! Tomorrow I will be full term, but I'm okay if she bakes another week or two. Just so she decides to come before someone makes her...

And, even though my midwife said that she is very pleased with the blood pressure decrease, she still wants me to take it easy. So I got a note from her that I need to work half days. Since apparently my office is going to treat me like I'm in third grade, I was very excited to get my "hall pass" and you better believe I've already emailed it to my boss and updated my voicemail and email signature and calendar to reflect my reduced-hour schedule.

So, after 1pm, you will find me catching up with friends, cooking meals for when M is here and we want something quick, or watching the afternoon lineup of fo.od network. Better get the lazy days out of the way before there is a baby in my arms!! After all the angst of the last week or so, today is a very very welcomed breath of fresh air.

I am going to bed at 6pm.

2011-09-08T16:00:00.006-04:00

It's just one of those days.

I work for a national agency that does not have "maternity leave" per se, in that there is no specific paid time off- whatever leave we take after having a baby has to either be leave we have saved or leave without pay.

Several months ago (I just went back to look for my post on it, and I am flabbergasted that I never wrote an in-law installment on this occurrence), my MIL lectured me on what I was thinking for maternity leave, saying that I could only use 6 weeks of my sick time for time off after the baby. Any extra time had to be vacation time. This assinine policy had never even crossed my mind, and I was so anxious after her lecture that I could barely sleep that night.

Since I have been blessed with good health, of course I have 5 times as much sick time saved as I do vacation time. But I remembered that my boss took quite a while off after her baby, so I just brushed my MIL's tirade off as antiquated policy. My FIL (they both work for the same agency) seemed to agree that MIL had no idea what she was talking about, since now they allow fathers to take up to 12 weeks of time off. So I felt much better.

A few weeks ago, I came up with a plan based on my current available leave balances. This plan included me being totally off for a month, working one day every two weeks for two months, working part time in January, and coming back full time in February. I know that alot of women get considerably less (just the 6 weeks), but I have been dreaming of the day when the sick leave balance takes a major hit because of a baby, and there were alot of times when I thought that day would never get here. What else was I saving sick time for, anyway?

This morning, I had a teleconference with my boss about my maternity leave plans. I emailed her a copy of my master plan (above), and she said it looked fine, and that only 6 weeks of the total hours I was planning on taking off could be categorized as sick time.

Well, then my plan wasn't fine, because in my master plan, the bulk of the hours were going to be sick time hours!! How is that fine?!

Maybe it is totally superficial for me to feel this way, but I feel like my whole happy maternity leave plan just got knocked off its axis, and this has completely ruined my day. Now, in order for me to not go back full time until January, I'll have to work a morning every two weeks in October, one day a week end of October-beginning of December, and part time in December. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but I was so excited about not working and being able to leisurely get ready for Christmas with our new baby without having to worry about regular working!!! Now it's all just disappeared before my eyes.

I am SO frustrated with this policy. I have twice as much sick time as I am being allowed to use right now. What the hell am I supposed to use sick time on, if I can't use it while I'm trying to take care of a newborn!!? My boss says that kids are always sick, and I will be surprised how much sick time I use even after I'm back to "full time", but I don't remember me (or any of my sibs) "always being sick" when we were little.

At this rate, I'm going to retire with eight thousand hours of sick time. I don't think they should be able to tell me I can't use time I have saved up for when I will need time off.

UGH.

I was pretty surprised at how the meeting went- she is usually very easy-going and will often times let rules be bent, but she made no apologies for this policy. She said I could ask my midwife for a note saying that I needed more "sick time" off after the baby, but what are we, in third-freakin'-grade!??!!? I know it's not her fault, but I am just surprised that she wasn't more apologetic, and that kind of bummed me out even more.

THEN I had another meeting with her and another supervisor about an actual case I'm working on, and they decided they didn't quite agree with my position, and would it be possible to do some extra work on the case on the side before we figure out what we're going to do with it?

Oh, sure, that will be just peachy.

THEN, the cleaning people called while I was on the phone with the second meeting, and left a message which didn't show up until 15 minutes after they were supposed to be here for our cleaning estimate. What did it say? They were calling to confirm our estimate appointment. Since I didn't call them back before the estimate time, they never showed up!

AAAAH!!!

So I called them back and rescheduled for 3pm this afternoon, when they actually did show up, but in between the second meeting and 3pm, of course I was grossly unproductive because I was just steaming over this whole leave issue. (The cleaning estimate is higher than Mr. A thought it would be, but at this point, I feel like throwing in the towel on everything. It's only money, right?)

THEN, I am sitting here trying to resume work like I was supposed to be doing all day, and my midwife's number shows up on my phone. I thought, Oh my Lord, if my urine sample was bonkers and they are just calling now to tell me so on today of all days, I am seriously going to lose it.

Luckily, she was just calling to check to see if I'd developed any other clinical symptoms of high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia (which I thought was really sweet of her to call and check), and that my urine jug's protein was within the normal ranges. If my blood pressure is still high on Monday, though, she will probably want to re-run the 24-hr catch. Oh great fun that will be! She did say, though, that she would write me a note that I need to reduce my work hours until the baby is born, which since they will be before I have the baby, do not affect the 6 week limit after she is here, so maybe that will give me some satisfaction as far as taking sick leave to "care" for our little one. So that will be nice. Except she said she wants me to reduce the work hours so I can stay off my feet. And I'm envisioning making tons of freezer meals in my afternoons off...

And I am sure that as worked up as I am about the whole leave fiasco, my blood pressure was not exactly laying low today. Totally sucks.

Mr. Clean

2011-09-07T11:10:00.004-04:00

I mean, Mr. A. It seems as though he is going through his own little nesting phase.

On Sunday after lunch, he went to use the downstairs bathroom and came right back out again, visibly distraught that the toilet seat had some specks of discoloration on it.

It was so "disgusting" that he picked up his keys immediately and went straight to the store to get rubber gloves and a bottle of clorox. And then spent 2 hours cleaning only the toilet area of the half bathroom, including behind and under the toilet and IN THE TOILET TANK, including another trip to the home improvement store to get a new toilet seat because he declared the existing one unsalvageable.

Now let's back up a little.

First of all, I promise there was no epidemic of black mold infesting the toilet seat. Which you may have thought there was, based on his reaction to it.

I do my absolute best to keep up with the household cleaning, although I admit I would rather bake you brownies or make pasta from scratch or do ANY cooking before I would like to dust the baseboards. AND I use natural cleaning products that I do think are effective, but let's face it, they're not bleach. (Although I do use clorox's disposable head toilet bowl cleaners...)

But of course the time between bathroom cleanings is probably a tad longer than exactly desirable, even though I definitely clean them before it gets dangerous or completely gross. I promise. But even when I do clean the bathrooms, I don't normally scrub behind the toilet. Do you? I am I a worse housekeeper than I thought??

So I do my best to clean up here and there, including swiffering before all the dog hair on the wood floors makes it look like we have carpet, and wiping down the sinks and toilets and showers on a fairly regular basis. And I keep the kitchen pretty sparkly, although the microwave is another story, and I don't always shake out the toaster crumbs.

But when Mr. A gets a bee in his bonnet about cleaning, you better watch out. The last time he cleaned the kitchen, he took the knobs off the stovetop and cleaned them and behind them. And then with the recent cleaning of the toilet that involved a whole new seat.....

So he has come to the conclusion that we need to hire someone to come clean our house once a week.

*I hang my head in shame*

I can't tell you how ineffective this makes me feel. He says I shouldn't take it personally, but I am feeling this suggestion of his very personally.

I work from home, for pete's sake! Why can't I handle this in an acceptable manner? I mean, why can't I just keep this place spic-and-span with a few minutes of cleaning per day?

He says that that is the point. I do work, full time, from home, and while maybe I keep "up" with the cleaning by doing a little here and there, the house isn't regularly fully and thoroughly cleaned. He says not to worry about it- my time is more valuable working than cleaning anyway, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. His mom had a cleaning service, after all.

But I guess that doesn't make me feel any better. His mom is not a domestic example in any sort of manner- no wonder she didn't want to clean her house! She didn't want to make things from scratch, either!

My mom never had to hire anyone. (Huge caveat, she was a stay at home mom. And she had four kids "who needed to learn how to clean". Haha.)

Mr. A says that if I didn't have a job, and my responsibilities were solely HOME related, maybe it would be different. So I said, well, whenever the baby comes, I will be off for several months, so I will be sort of a stay at home mom then. His response was that I will be caring for a newborn and two dogs, and that he thinks that that will be plenty without having me feel like I need to deep clean the house once a week. He said it is amazing that I do all the cooking that I do and all the laundry, too.

So tomorrow, we are getting an estimate on how much someone would charge to come in once a week. It's a huge blow to my domestic diva ego. But maybe it will be nice to not have to worry about it.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. A also declared that our kitchen trash can was also too dirty for existence. Yes, the trashcan! So now we have a spotless new white one. This baby is going to make our house the cleanest place on the planet!!

Nursery Tour

2011-09-05T12:53:00.007-04:00

Thank you to everyone who was so encouraging on my last post :) I turned in the 24-hr urine collection Saturday at 10am, and paged the midwife to check the results at 730pm that night. She said she would check and call if any of the results warranted further action before my next checkup at 36w6d. So far, she has not called, so I am hanging onto "no news is good news"... I am still bummed about the high blood pressure, but I'm hoping it was just a fluke. I don't have any other symptoms of high blood pressure (no swelling, dizzy vision, headaches, etc.), so I'm thankful for that!

Now onto more fun things, I think baby girl's nursery is done! Here is a photo tour! (Descriptions below each picture.)

Baby's corner in our room. Mr. A was going to make a cradle, but he has been so busy with work that he just hasn't had the time. We do have the cradle pad in case he gets inspired in the next few weeks!

Entry view of the nursery. Baby's hospital bag is packed and ready to go (on the rocker)!! We have 2 blankets, 4 outfits, 3 cloth diapers, 2 diaper covers, 2 hats, and 2 sets of booties for her!

Nursing/Rocking corner. On the nightstand is her box of board books. The top drawer of the nightstand contains things for me (e.g., nursing pads, lotion/cream, maybe a book). The middle drawer contains burp cloths. The bottom drawer contains more (bigger) books.

Changing area!! On the wall is a Guardian Angel print and a collage frame for family pictures (if they ever send them to me....) We have the diaper pail to the left of the dresser. On top of the dresser on the far left is her diaper organizer with three compartments: hair stuff, diaper lotion/spray, and snappi's/pins. Moving to the right is 2 stacks of cloth wipes (we will spray a wipe to moisten it before using it on her bum), a stuffed sheep and doll, and the changing pad.

The top drawer of her dresser holds prefolds and "disposable" diaper liners (which I made from cut-up old tshirts) for the first few days of meconium or whenever we'd like to use a liner we can throw away. The middle drawer holds newborn-3 months onesies and pants. The bottom drawer holds receiving blankets, swaddlers, and flat diapers.

The compartment to the right has two shelves: top shelf holds a bin with diaper covers and our three newborn all-in-one diapers and five fitted diapers. Bottom shelf holds a bin with hats and socks and our two pocket diapers (which are too big to be used just yet).

Her closet!! On the very top shelf on the left is our car seat cover for winter, and the pack n' play bag. To the right are three boxes with extra clothes- one is empty, one holds 3-6 month clothes, and one holds 6-9 month clothes. I'm hoping these will help me keep all the sizes organized!

Hanging on the top rail (left to right) are jackets/sweaters, extra hangers, and newborn-3 months dressers/jumpers/sleepers/sleep sacks.

On the shelf (left to right) are the downstairs changing area supplies (have to set this up and bring these bins downstairs), a bin holding pack n' play sheets and cradle sheets and extra diaper potion concentrate and witchhazel for mixing, a bin holding crib sheets, and a keepsake box holding the quilt that Mr. A's mom made for baby girl.

Hanging on the bottom rail (left to right) are two robes, and an organizer for towels/washcloths, and special blankets.

On the floor (left to right) is the baby tub, the small diaper bag, and the hamper for dirty clothes.

***

It is so exciting to have her room ready! We hope she will be very comfortable in here- we sure have had fun getting it set up!!

***

And, I think we have decided on her name! Since I refer to everyone with their first initial, she is baby M!!! So exciting. We feel so blessed :)

More Mind (Body) Games

2011-09-02T10:45:00.005-04:00

You'd think after the 1-hr glucose test failure, and failing the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr (so technically being okay but of course still getting a complex about it), I'd learn to just let precautionary measures roll off my back without getting all in a tizzy.

Today (35w3d) my blood pressure was on the high side again (140/90), and so my midwife wants me to do the 24-hr urine test. She said their office urine test is completely negative for protein, and if I was in serious pre-eclampsia mode, it would definitely show up, so that is a good thing that their test was negative. Also, my belly measurements continue to be spot on, so she can tell the baby is growing that way, and even when she was checking the heartbeat, she could hear heartbeat accelerations when baby girl was moving and back to normal when she stopped, which she said is very healthy.

And she even told me not to go home and freak out, which of course is the most useless thing she has ever said to anyone on the planet.

So I got to walk out of the office with the embarrassing pee jug, which has taken up residence next to the tea jug in the fridge. I already warned Mr. A to be careful when refilling his glass after dinner...

It's just another instance of where all of a sudden I'm afraid/convinced of the bottom falling out. I'm afraid that the placenta is failing and that baby girl isn't getting the nutrients she needs, and I have convinced myself that at our next appointment, I'll have to be induced and the baby will get stressed out, and I'll have to have a c-section. (I really hope not to offend those who choose to have c-sections or were in a situation where they were necessary- but it is just my preference/dream to have a natural labor and delivery!)

I also had the Group-B strep test today, and so I have convinced myself that will also be positive, so even if I don't have to be induced, I won't get to labor as long as I want to at home because I will need antibiotics. Ugh.

She said it is completely possible that I just get subconsciously stressed on the days of my appointments and that is why it is high (last appointment it went down after I laid on my side a few minutes...but it didn't do that today... but of course by the end of my appointment, I was probably more stressed about all the urine collection info). I guess I hope that is the case- on my appointment days, I don't get to do yoga and the morning routine is just different, so maybe that is it. I don't know. I just want our baby to be healthy and getting what she needs. Why isn't my body cooperating?!?!

And then of course I say that, and I listen to Mr. A reassure me that out of all the procedures we tried that failed and even though I haven't passed every test this pregnancy with flying colors, this pregnancy has actually been pretty damn near perfect. I have been able to keep exercising, I'm not uncomfortable, baby girl looks perfect, and generally there have been zero serious complications, or any complications, since on paper, I passed the 3-hr glucose test. So really, maybe my body is cooperating more than I give it credit for, relative to what many moms go through for their little ones to be born. I stand corrected.

But it still stinks to go to the doctor and feel perfectly fine and get the news that you are not perfectly fine. No one wants to hear that.

So I am pretty much expecting that she will be here before her due date. Which sends me into a whole other mindset of needing to do eight gabillion things in the next week in case on the 12th, she will need to be born. Which of course Mr. A cautions me against getting all stressed out because of the blood pressure issue. Ha!

I will turn in my pee jug tomorrow morning at the hospital and get some bloodwork. They should have the results by tomorrow after dinnertime, and if there are any concerns, I will go in next week for an NST and an ultrasound to check the placenta and fluid levels. It would be cool to see our girl again before she is born, but I just hope she is healthy and happy in there and getting what she needs. I don't want to fail her now! I just keep praying God will bless her with a long and happy and healthy life with our family....

(ETA: You would think that after struggling with infertility, I would have learned that these test results are completely out of my control- just like infertility itself- but somehow, just like with infertility, I keep asking myself what I could have done better or why can't I do this right or what is wrong with me?)

F is for Fertile Friend

2011-08-31T15:41:00.005-04:00

So I was really proud of myself: At our last childbirth prep class last week, I asked two of the girls who we'd sat next to the whole month (with their hubbies) if they wanted to exchange emails.

I hemmed and hawed on my reason for getting their information, because let's face it, saying "I really don't have any other friends because up until now we had nothing in common with the rest of the fertile late-20-early-30-something couples" was not really going to make me look very exciting.

But I am actually a pretty outgoing person at heart, so I knew I could come up with something. After much thought, I finally remembered how I'd told them about my yoga studio, and how they offer postpartum classes (mom and baby) at 6 weeks. So, when I asked them, I said, maybe it would be fun to keep in touch and maybe we could all go to yoga with our yogi's sometime.

Luckily, they took the bait! Haha ;-) I think it is funny (sad?) that somewhere deep inside, my opinion of my friendship-worthiness has degraded to the point where I feel like I need to market myself or come up with excuses on why people might want to be my friend. Need to work on that I think...

ANYWAY.

So I emailed them a few days after our last class (had to wait just enough time so as not to look desperate, of course), and much to my delight, we are now emailing back and forth and trying to plan getting together for dinner sometime next week! I am so excited that I actually might have just made myself some new friends in our area. Especially ones we seem to have some general things in common with: similar ages, similar family situations (all of us are 8-9 months pregnant with our first baby), and it seems like we are all on the "young professional" side of things.

All was going fine and good until one of them included the lines "I can't wait to have my body back....not pee three times a night.... get back into running....sleep without the big belly.....". I did a double take, given that I had just talked about my befuddlement of her first phrase in my last post. I just shook my head, until the other girl emailed back that she could totally relate- she saw a guest on today's morning show who had jeans, and a shirt tucked in with a belt, and she was JEALOUS!

Oh, sweet mercy.

Can I be friends with fertiles?!

I actually did have my first noticeably uncomfortable night of sleep last night- just a backache- (I don't count peeing as making me uncomfortable), but I still would not trade it for anything or wish away my pregnancy because of it. I think it is amazing and awesome that our bodies change so much to carry a baby, and if that comes with some aches and pains, so be it. I will gladly embrace all and any discomforts for the chance to be a mom. Without hesitation or whining or complaining. End of story! We are experiencing a miracle here, people!!

(ETA: I'm totally going to give them a pass and pursue the friendships! It was just one of those things that makes you sigh and go "hmph", you know?)

My thoughts: 35 weeks

2011-08-29T20:36:00.005-04:00

I was going to write this cutesy bullet post about all the funny things I have been thinking and experiencing lately, but I just can't get in the mood to finish it that way.

In short, and I know I have been saying this all along, but I really can't believe this is happening. After all we went through that failed, here we are at 35 weeks with a healthy baby girl all curled up in my belly who got there the old fashioned way.

It has always killed me to hear women who've struggled with infertility say "I can't wait to have my body back" or "Won't it be great to sleep on my back again" or other insignificant luxuries that pale in comparison to the gift they have been given. Like really, you miss your pre-pregnancy body so much that you would rather have the beautiful miracle you've been blessed with be over? Do you remember how much you prayed to become pregnant?? How can you be so "done" with something you heart longed for?? I'll just go ahead and say it: I'd like to be pregnant for the next 15 years ;-) Ha!

So here are some things I am loving right now:
*Baby girl waking up at 1am (and 4am, haha) with me when I have to pee, and how she keeps moving after I lay back down. I just lay there and drink it all in. Sure, she keeps me up, but feeling her squirm is so precious and something I dreamed about for so long....
*Belly is getting to be kind of heavy on the underside, and I am hoping that this means she is moving down and getting ready for a beautiful birth
*Continuing to practice prenatal yoga is so neat- I am feeling totally confident that it is helping my body keep in shape and mitigate the symptoms that other people complain about.
*I think I am getting some teeny stretch marks on the underside of the belly- and it is so cute! Hahaha :) I am like wow, belly is really growing now!!
*Cottage cheese :) Did you know it is a great source of protein? :)

Last night at the end of dinner, baby girl was moving up a storm, and my belly was, too. It was so cute for Mr. A to be able to see it- you should have seen the smile on his face. He hasn't been very touchy-feely with the belly, but I know that he is totally in love with and in awe of this little person inside.

The way I am approaching preparing for labor and delivery is the same way I approached training for both of my marathons: physical and mental preparation. There isn't much you can do to exactly prepare (it's not like you can do practice labors like you can go out and run for 4 hours in preparation for a marathon!), but I feel like prenatal yoga has equipped me with many many tools to use to ease the intensity of contractions, and the concepts that we've learned from the Bradley method will also help I think.

The one thing that crossed my mind this morning when I woke up and could have gone back to sleep for 2 hours was how to make sure I am rested enough! For my marathons, I made sure I got enough rest leading up to the race, but guess what, I don't know when the date of this baby marathon will be!! I have been getting at least 8 hours of sleep per night, but I think I am going to try to increase that little by little. I cannot be tired when the time comes!!

This post feels kind of disjointed, but it's the best I can do for now! We are so excited to meet our baby :) 35 days till she is due!

Cinnamon Sugar Muffins (now with photos)

2011-08-22T09:11:00.004-04:00

You MUST make these muffins!! They are totally not healthy, and you can't have four of them at a time, but they are quite the breakfast treat!!! The recipe is just slightly adapted from this cook book.

(muffin)
3 cups of flour
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 cup sugar
2/3 cups shortening
2 eggs
1 cup milk

(topping)
1 stick of butter
3/4 cups of sugar
3 tsp cinnamon

1. Preheat oven to 350F, and spray muffin tin with cooking spray
2. Stir together flour, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg in a bowl
3. Cream together sugar and shortening in another larger bowl
4. Add eggs to the sugar/shortening, and mix up
5. Alternate adding some of the flour mixture and the milk to the eggs/sugar/shortening mixture
6. Fill the muffin cups (makes 12 good sized muffins)
7. Bake for 20-25 minutes
8. Wash the dishes you just got dirty
9. Get the topping ready: melt the butter in one bowl, and mix up the sugar/cinnamon in another bowl
10. When the muffins are done, carefully dip each warm muffin in the melted butter, and then directly into the cinnamon sugar. I just dipped the top of each muffin, which means the muffin bottom doesn't have the cinnamon sugar on it, so if you want the whole thing cinnamon sugared, roll the whole muffin around in the butter and then the cinnamon sugar.
11. Let the muffins cool while you eat one (or two, haha), and then they can be stored in a sealed container or bag.

YUM!

(Edited to add photos, because you should always do everything Melissa asks!)

Bee Bop

2011-08-19T12:35:00.003-04:00

Well, baby girl was working out or dancing or something this morning! Her heartrate was in the 160's! My appointment time was 11:15, and I didn't get called back until almost a half hour later, and I could feel her squirming around the whole time. That feeling will never get old, that is for sure.

I was kind of hesitant to hop on the scale this time, but I was pleasantly surprised- no weight gain in the last 3 weeks! Yay!! I have changed my diet some to generally follow some glucose intolerance suggestions (since I failed both the 1-hr glucose test and the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr test), so maybe I have been eating slightly less and/or more balanced meals. Either way, I am happy to be at +19lbs at 33w3d. I do feel like my belly has grown, though, so it would seem that baby girl is still getting what she needs!

When the tech checked my blood pressure it was 146/82 (gulp). I knew that was highish, but she didn't say anything about it. She took the hospital pre-registration form that I'd brought with me- holy moley, are we really pre-registered in the birthing suite?!?!?!

My belly measures exactly on target, and baby girl is head down and pretty low, so midwife thinks she will probably be head down for the duration. So happy about this! We do some deep squats in yoga that really encourage babies to move down, and so you aren't really supposed to do them if the baby is breech. So I was very interested to confirm that she is head down- I thought she might be, but it was nice to hear it this morning.

Like I mentioned above, she was moving all around so her heartrate was up, but it didn't seem like the midwife thought that was a problem of any kind. I am sure that baby girl will take a nice long nap later on and then I will want her to be moving around again!!

My midwife said she wanted to recheck my blood pressure, so I laid on my side.... 122/68! Such a relief!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and then I start going every WEEK. That is just unbelievable. I am so grateful to be here- I have loved being pregnant, and as much as I want to meet our baby, I can't wait to be pregnant again! Haha :)

And I just have to say that I love our dogs. There is some random guy doing door-to-door sales right now in our neighborhood (I saw his car yesterday, and it peaked my interest because the county on the license plate is from my hometown, like a 9 hour drive from here....weeeeeeeeeird), and they just went crazy (inside) when he came to our door. Of course I went and looked out the window on the side of the door and waved him away (while they were both barking and jumping and standing on their hind legs- there is no doubt that there are dogs here who will stand up for their fort!); I had to get a look at him so I can describe him to police....because of course those people always creep me out- and to add insult to injury, I caught him glancing in my car windows on his way down our driveway. Move along, creepo! I have two dogs that would love to defend their pregnant mama and their home turf!

Delight in the little things

2011-08-18T10:43:00.004-04:00

I am having a great day- and it is all about the little things that are making me happy:

The last of baby girl's diapers (5 100% cotton fitted's, 3 100% cotton newborn AIO's (would totally get more, but they are expensive and just for newborns- will likely definitely invest in more one-size AIO's after she is bigger), 2 microfiber pocket's (I am not sure I will like these since they are not 100% cotton, hence the small number of them), and a bunch of cotton flat diapers) are on the line after their second washes- so excited to be prepping them! (My 3-dozen 100% cotton GMD prefolds are already prepped and ready to go!)
Yoga at home this morning, including 4 sets of 2-minute squats :)
We FINALLY signed up for garbage service!!! You have NO idea how exciting this is for me!!! (Are you thinking, wow, this chic needs to get out more?) Mr. A has been taking our trash to the dump ever since we moved here, but we are getting busier on the weekends, and when he doesn't go for a few weeks, it is more than our cans can hold, so I end up just putting bags next to the cans.... which sometimes Bert gets into, and that is just no a good situation for anyone- dog or human. The service is very inexpensive and includes free recycling!!! YAYYYYYYY!!
Bonus, our fancy new garbage bin from the company was just delivered!! EEeeeee!!
My teleconference at 10:30 to discuss one of my cases was cancelled- the other two attendees have reviewed the issues and agree with my position and didn't need to talk to me about it! Awesome!

What little things are making you happy today?

Lots (of baby stuff)

2011-08-16T16:15:00.002-04:00

I am trying really hard to stay focused at work during the day and not spend all my time reading about baby stuff, doing baby laundry, and wondering how in the heck I went from being sure we would never conceive to doing baby stuff all the time.

But there is alot going on these days.

We bought a doll to try to acclimate our pups to the idea that there will be another human around in a month and a half, and so far they are pretty apathetic unless you make the doll cry and put it right in their face. At which point they just get up and walk away. We've put her in the swing, and turned it on turbo swing (seriously, do babies need six swing speeds?), and blared the obnoxious music that the swing has (again, is music really necessary?), and the dogs just lay there. I know it will be different when our REAL baby is here, but so far we are encouraged by their acceptance of the new stuff we've presented them with.

The doll is pretty close to life-size (18in long- no idea how much she weighs), so we have even put one of our prefolds and covers on her to make sure we aren't going to completely fail at cloth diapering our baby girl. To me (a novice), it looks like at least the doll would be suited up quite nicely with her prefold and cover without any leaks ;-) Hopefully it will be the same for our baby girl.

I've washed all the baby's clothes; hung the 0-3 months dresses and sleepers in her closet, and put her 0-3 months onesies and pants in her dresser. All the blankets, towels, washcloths, and burp cloths have found a place in the nursery, too, and today I just washed and folded all her sheets: crib, pack n' play, and cradle. Tomorrow I plan on washing her mattress cover, and some AIO (all-in-one) diapers that I have yet to prep. Is baby laundry always this fun?

Still on the to-do list is hanging the pictures in her room, setting up the downstairs changing area, figuring out what to put in her diaper bag (do we bring that to the hospital?), and figuring out what to put in our hospital bag (we got a list at our baby prep class- just have to find it). Who am I kidding, I am sure I will think of other things to do... I could spend all day puttering around in her nursery....which is hilarious because with the exception of the bathrooms, it's the smallest room in our house. Do fertile moms do this, too, or is it just because we waited 4 years for this?

Every now and then, I have this urge to write up a manual of our household for when the visitors descend on our house in October. You know, like the ones that the wives write in that show "Wif.e S.wap": e.g., how our house "runs", what kinds of things we eat, how we plan our day, what to buy at the grocery store, how to take care of the dogs, how to not ruin my Calp.halon stainless pots and pans? Maybe even include a section "What to do if you're bored and the baby and I are sleeping or nursing"... And then I chuckle to myself, because I don't know any better example of my type-A personality. But then I rationalize the thought that maybe it would help the nanny that we plan on hiring in February when I return to working (from home) full time. So far, my actual work has prevented me from starting on our manual. But it is definitely being written in the back of my mind...

Prenatal yoga is still going really well. There is another girl who comes to the same class as me who is a few days ahead of me, and I can't believe that we are 33 weeks this week. I mean, it was just yesterday that I was 5 weeks, and 16 weeks, and 20 weeks, wasn't it? It has also been great to meet other expectant moms- I think there are several of us who will keep in touch after our little ones are here. I am really glad to have kept up with exercise while being pregnant :) In our baby prep class at the hospital (where we are also meeting new couple-friends!!....although I sort of feel like an imposter- I never thought I'd be able to identify with young adult couples who are expecting a baby!), we have been "learning" stretches and good postures for laboring and delivering, and they are all things that I have been doing in prenatal yoga since I was 14 weeks, and that helps me feel confident in my desire to have a natural birth! And I'm still walking at least 40 minutes a day- I think some people do a double take when I walk both dogs by myself, but they have been really good lately- even when they see rabbits- I think they know they need to be extra obedient so as not to pull me over!!

We had our maternity pictures taken over the weekend. Our photographer has posted one on her website, and I think she did a great job- I am so excited to see the rest!! I am so glad that we decided to go with her even though at first things were a little unsettled. I think our newborn photos of baby girl will be amazing!! Email me if you want me to send you the link :)

So anyway, I should probably get back to work. I'm hoping to be able to only work half days starting September 12 (I'll be full term on September 13), so I'm trying to make these next few weeks as productive as possible.

I made a commitment to LIVE WELL in 2011, and to live fully and happily no matter what. I never imagined that my life would be wonderfully full of baby things 8 months later; preparing for our baby has brought so much joy already to our home- we can't even imagine how awesome it will be when she is actually in our arms.

{Just so you know: I know this post might/will be really hard for those of you who're still waiting to read, and I added "(of baby stuff)" to the title in case it's just a day where you can't deal with reading a PAIF post. I distinctly remember days when I could not even fathom being able to remotely identify with being pregnant or preparing for a baby, and even though I am going through the preparation motions, it is not lost on me that I thought I'd never do this stuff. My self-imposed PAIF motto comes to mind today and all of these busy days: "When you've been through hell, you tend to appreciate heaven."}

Potential Infertility (once removed)

2011-08-11T11:20:00.005-04:00

My other sister (not the mural one) is accompanying her husband on a 4-month educational trip, and they are leaving next Thursday and returning at the end of December. They will be going to countries all over the world, so they have gotten a zillion and one shots to protect them from whatever foreign buggies that might be lurking there.

Some of these shots don't jive with pregnancy, or young children, so while she has wanted to try to have children for at least the last year and a half, they have held off because of this trip. Supposedly, according to her, they will start to try in late fall (on the boat). (I have my reservations about whether her husband is "on board" (get it? ha) with trying for kids on the boat, but if he isn't, it is going to break her heart, so I hope for her sake that he is.) Her hubby has a chronic health condition that has had him on auto-immune and other bigtime meds for his whole life, and I think that knowing that Mr. A and I are both totally healthy and it still took us 4 years to conceive this baby girl makes her nervous about waiting much longer (she will be 29 in October)...

Last year, the fact that they were waiting was comforting to me. You know how it is, sigh of relief that my younger sister wouldn't bear the oldest grandchild. It eased my mind that maybe by some crazy miracle, we'd have a baby before they got back, or at least that I'd be pregnant by then.

Enter crazy miracle.

So I've offered that she could take my fertility monitor and "Yoga for Fertility" DVD with her on the boat trip. Because I know she has wanted to try for a while, I thought for sure she would totally want these things.

But when I asked her about them yesterday, she said she maybe wants the DVD, but not the monitor. (They are "trying to cut down on the amount of things they are bringing". Um, it is the size of a big deoderant... anyway...)

I have to admit that my heart sank a little. Didn't she want to bust onto the TTC field armed with all the tools possible?!

I worry that her husband has convinced her to not really worry about it on the boat, and that she is again having to make excuses for why they can't/won't really try yet. I worry that he has decided he doesn't want kids until sometime further in the future. I worry that they will also have unanticipated issues conceiving, and although I am well-prepared to support her in the trenches, no sister wants to see her other sister go through that.

Of course when they decide to try is totally up to them, a lesson that infertility smashes in your face and makes you learn the hard way- not to judge others' family-expansion time lines. But I know that she wanted to start trying a year and a half ago.

So I guess my monitor will stay put in our bathroom for a little longer.

But really, who am I kidding? Who wants to start the betting pool that they will come home 2 months pregnant?

Monday and Nursery Updates

2011-08-08T09:56:00.003-04:00

Thank you everyone for praying for my requests!

Unfortunately, my friend's beta was 3.5 on Friday. She had taken some HCG booster shots during the LP, and she thinks that it was just residual. As far as I know, they won't be doing another beta. She turns 30 on Wednesday, and having turned 30 last year without a baby in my arms (or belly), I know how painful and heartbreaking that is. If you feel that way, please keep her in your prayers on Wednesday.

As for Mr. A's potential big change, it would have come in the form of a job switch. However, the way things have turned out, he will not be changing after all. While we were very excited for the potential switch (and to be honest, it may still happen in several months, depending on the circumstances), we totally recognize that we already have alot of change happening to us coming up, so we were nervous about adding something more. At the end of the day, we are both very grateful to have good jobs in this time when so many families are struggling with employment woes.

This past weekend, I worked alot on our little girl's room! Now that I have the closet cleaned out and an idea of where to put all the clothes and blankets and towels and diapers and onesies, I can start washing!!!! In fact, this morning I washed all the blankets, towels, and washcloths we received for our shower- they look so cute hanging on the clothesline, and I can't wait to fold everything!!

I took some pictures of the nursery this morning (without a flash, to show the natural light that comes in in the morning- the sun rises on the other side of the house, so it's very gentle light!). It is not 100% finished yet, but I feel like we made alot of progress this weekend!!

It is such an honor to prepare this room for this baby. I know I say this alot, but some days it is very hard to believe that we were finally blessed with a child. So many times, it seemed like we would never be parents. As I was cleaning out the room on Saturday, and whenever I am hanging baby laundry on the line, I pray for those of you who are still waiting to see how God will fulfill your heart's desire for a child. I also pray for those of us who are mothers that we will always strive to be the best moms we can be.

Prayer Requests

2011-08-04T11:49:00.003-04:00

Thank you all for your amazing support on my last post! I'm feeling much better :) I'm loosely following the GD requirements/diet suggestions (even if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill), and so far so good. :) I also do think (even if it's just me rationalizing with myself) that baby girl had a growth spurt recently- she definitely feels longer/bigger these days when she is moving around and kicking and punching! So (maybe) that explains the extra weight last week or something.

If you have time in your prayer time today, maybe you could add the following ones to your list:

-My dear friend K is 16dpiui today and will test and/or go for a beta tomorrow. She has had some teeny spotting here and there, which is discouraging, but alot of her other symptoms seem very encouraging (some are very similar to mine at that point). Please storm heaven that there is a baby K along for the ride!!!

-Due to recent developments, there may be a big change for Mr. A coming up soon (in addition to the obvious baby girl). It would be sort of one of those "leaps of faith" where decisions are made based on the good of the person/family and not necessarily what looks best on paper. Please keep us in your prayers as we discern what is best for our family, especially with the upcoming arrival of baby girl!!

Emotional

2011-08-02T12:15:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. And unfortunately, this morning was tough, too. I'm hoping today will only get better.

I had a midwife appointment first thing yesterday morning.

-Good news is that my blood pressure was the best it's been in a long time :) Yay! (Not that it was ever bad, but it was just better this time..)
-Medium news is that I technically passed my 3-hr glucose test (yay!), with the caveat that I still failed the 1-hr draw (but I passed the fasting, 2-hr, and 3-hr). So my midwife said while I do not have the diagnosis of GD, I have "some glucose intolerance" and "unless {I} want a big baby, {I} need to steer clear of juices, ice cream, and pies". (Yes, she really said "pies", which for some reason I think is kind of funny.)
-Bad news is that I gained 3lbs in the last 2 weeks.

Good news is good news, and I'm so grateful for it!!

Medium news is harder. I am also grateful to have technically passed, and I fully acknowledge that some providers would have just said "you passed" instead of giving me my specific numbers and pointing out that I didn't pass one of the draws. So, given another provider, it's possible that I would not be going through heartache over it. But since I know, I am just worried. I feel like I already eat pretty darn heathily- no cokes, no mounds of cookies, no daily cartons of ice cream, no white breads, etc. (I will admit to a glass of juice on the weekends and a few cookies once in a blue moon when I make them.) But I feel like I need to follow a GD diet. I don't want the baby to get too much sugar, and following a GD diet is the only thing I can think of. I asked my mom to send me the meal plan flip chart that her dietician gave her when she had GD with my brother. She is a nurse, and when I told her that I didn't pass one of the levels, her reaction was a tad more intense than I had wanted, but I should have expected as much. It is just alot to take in, trying to change what I thought was already a healthy diet.

I think I'll have tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch today. HA!... speaking of tomatoes and cucumbers......

Bad news hit hard. Especially since I don't really feel like my eating habits or quantities have changed at all, and I'm still walking 40 minutes a day and doing yoga 4-5 times a week. Lest you be worried that I am fretting about gaining weight, be not afraid! I will gain as much weight as it takes to grow this healthy baby girl without blinking an eye. But what worries me is that it is too much too fast or something, and that it isn't healthy for her, or it isn't healthy for me, and I need to be healthy to make sure she grows heathily!!! I have been pretty pleased with my weight gain over this pregnancy, but I've gained 9lbs since the middle of June (+19lbs total for the pregnancy at 31w), and it just seems like that is alot. (Although my midwife isn't concerned- of course I asked!) I also shared this frustration with my mom, and while I totally agree that honesty is the best policy, I was looking for a tad more reassurance that I wasn't turning into a blimp. She suggested that I just start eating half of the portions I've been eating. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get the recommended amount of protein and/or other nutrients for baby girl's development if I do that. I just want to be the healthiest I can for our little one, and I think good weight management will be best for us both.....

So maybe I'll have half of a cucumber and half of a tomato for lunch... hahahahaha....

But, the silver lining to the midwife appointment is that my blood pressure was great, baby girl's heartbeat sounded lovely, and my belly is measuring just right. Thank you, Lord!!

Moving on, work actually went fairly well yesterday. I walked the pups early because we had our first hospital class from 7-9pm last night. Our set of classes meets from 7-9pm seven times in August. Wow, we are going to be exhausted....

We arrived at the class, and with the exception of the high school table (okay, maybe they are in their late teens/early twenties), the other couples are around our age or maybe a little older. We received a pretty decent informational book, and Mr. A (being the written-learner that he is) sat right down and started reading through it. It's a magazine-style book, maybe 80 pages with words and figures. The presenter was good (I think she covered 1.5-2 chapters between just talking and showing a couple videos?), but she didn't hold a candle to Mr. A's need to mow through the book. I am very thankful that he was so interested in reading through the book. I know that he would have gobbled up even more technical details if they had been in there. Needless to say, he finished reading it about 3/4 of the way through the class and has declared that he now knows everything there is to know about it.

Mostly because "it's just common sense".

Now Mr. A is a very logical, common-sense type of guy. I actually do feel fairly confident that if we never read one word about labor and delivery and had to deliver our baby ourselves in the middle of a forgotten forest, we would have a successful go of it. But at 9:15pm, when he was hungry again, and we were both tired, and all he could say about the class was essentially that the other couples should just read the book and understand like he did, and that the rest of the childbirth prep classes are going to be a colossal waste of time, it was just one more heap of emotional weight on me yesterday. I admit I don't really feel like I "learned" anything last night either, but it was just alot to take in after the morning I'd had.

Although the one hilarious thing that he did glean from the presentation was that the hospital's baby warmers are directly analogous to "the heat lamps that keep the hashbrowns warm at McDonald's".. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So all in all, I went to bed totally emotionally spent. I am in awe that we are at the point where we are getting to do these things to prepare for our baby. And just like infertility, some days are rough.

This morning I didn't want to get up. I just felt so overwhelmed with the feelings of failure from yesterday. After we walked the dogs and Mr. A left for work, I sat with the pups on the couch. When I tried to tell Bert that I was having a hard morning, I seriously almost started crying. Sheesh!!! When I emailed Mr. A that I was having a bad morning, and he called to check on me, I did cry when I was trying to explain what was wrong. Surely, my yoga class would be a pick-me-up....

Except that when I got on the interstate to go to yoga, they were paving one lane, and there was a several-mile backup. Not going to make it to class 25 miles away, on time, going 3 miles an hour.... so I turned around, came home, and watched the Bac.helorette finale on hu.lu instead. (YAY JP!!)

I was supposed to have a teleconference at 1pm, but it looks like the other person has forgotten to call. That is okay with me. (Watch, he will call now.) Today can only get better!

At the end of the day, we are so thankful for this little girl. Her movements have been really awesome to feel in the last few days, and it is so cool. I tear up just thinking that she will be here in about 9 weeks, give or take. I guess this is only the beginning of some serious emotions!!

(ETA: I hope it's obvious that I am not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about how even the silliest things strike such fear of failure when you are PAIF. Like I could care less if I have to eat nothing but celery the rest of the pregnancy to cut out sugars and gain a healthy amount of weight- anything so that I don't fail at bringing this healthy baby into the world!!)

Infertility never goes away

2011-07-31T13:12:00.002-04:00

I have every intention of doing some overtime this afternoon, but I have to write this post first. It's sort of a collection of random thoughts, but they are all connected, I promise....

The last few days, with the "actual" baby preparations getting underway, I have been reflecting alot on our journey here. The journey called infertility and the journey that has shaped me forever. It is impossible to forget it, to "move on" completely. In about 10 weeks, God-willing, there will be baby cries in our house- something we've prayed for for so many years.

A week or so ago, a bloggy buddy posted as she reached 30 weeks, and my first thought was "Wow, she is really far along!!". And then I realized (since I'm only about a half week behind her) that I was also (about) that far along. It doesn't seem possible though- we had all but convinced ourselves we would never get to experience this. How can I already be 30 weeks- wasn't I just praying to make it to my 6-week ultrasound? I am so grateful for every single second of this pregnancy and for our little girl's life; some days, it is hard to comprehend that God finally answered "yes" to our prayers after saying "not yet" for so long (or "no" as I had thought He was saying).

This morning, after we'd chosen a spot to sit in church, my friend who lost her baby at 16w and her family (they have 5 girls) filed into the same row on the other end. It was almost more than I could bear to stay in our seats. How could I sit there, with my baby belly now totally obvious, while her baby left her so many weeks ago? I kept thinking of her on the other end, and praying that my (belly's) presence was not completely ripping her heart to shreds. I don't know how she made it through without completely breaking down- I barely did. My heart just aches for her.

Then on the opposite side of the church was another prolific family, and I swear I think the mom is pregnant again (her youngest is barely 2?). My infertile mind could not be silenced, and if I'm being honest, I definitely thought "Are you freaking kidding me, another baby to that family?" (It's the one where the dad had this to say about his youngest son.) Of course I don't know for sure- maybe it was just the dress she was wearing, but when your mind is tragically and ironically trained to scout out pregnancies before 95% of the population could spot them, you just can't turn it off.

Then there are my friends, especially K (in real life) and all of you readers, who are still battling the infertility monster. K and I always referred to infertility as a train, and we always said that if we had to be on the train, we were glad to be traveling together, but that one of us seriously needed to get off the train to show the other of us that it could be done. Since she has an "issue" (post-ovulation bleeding), and the only thing they could ever find out with me was lackluster hormone levels, there were many times when I was afraid that her bleeding would easily be fixed and she would have three kids easy peasy. Just shows you that you can never anticipate infertility. We ended up conceiving on our own, and she is still bleeding. She has been nothing short of unbelievably supportive to me, as we still talk often. I have to admit that I am not sure I would have been quite as amazing. Sure, I would have tried, but I don't think I could have done any better at being the one still on the train, while she washing diapers and setting up baby swings.

Infertility is weird on friendships. Even those steeped IN infertility. As I just mentioned, K and I are very close "thanks" to infertility, and my pregnancy after infertility has not changed one bit of our friendship. Likewise, I have had several other friendships that were made based on this common struggle, and even as those ladies adopted or became pregnant before I did, we are still very good friends. Even a few non-infertility friendships have managed to remain strong despite those girls becoming moms before me. Of course the super-fertile women who take their fertility/kids for granted are nearly death for infertiles. But what is the weirdest is when friendships based in infertility do not survive a pregnancy. It saddens me greatly when (in my personal experience) an infertile woman cannot cut another infertile woman some slack in the way the latter responds to the former's pregnancy... how can you forget how it felt to know that someone else had been blessed while your arms were still empty?

I hope it is has been completely evident during my pregnancy that having the opportunity to create and carry this baby has been one of the most humbling and amazing times of my life. I do not take anything for granted, and many days, it is hard to believe that the Lord had it in His plan to allow us to "overcome" infertility. I have not forgotten any of you who are still in the trenches; I still weep when you weep, rejoice when you rejoice, and I understand if reading about diapers is the last thing you want to do. A dear friend commented on my reflective post on Friday: "I want to hope but it just hurts too much. I'm so glad that you got your miracle...", and it made me reconsider my post in a new light....

All my "year later" posts this year are infertility success stories of the most obvious kind: after a long battle, we are finally expecting a baby. But what if we hadn't been blessed this year? What if we were celebrating Bert's "gotcha day" without freshly-washed diapers on the changing table or without an infant seat in my office? What if we had continued to eat organically and lead healthy lives and enjoy our dogs and strive to be a fulfilled family of two? Would I still feel like we had overcome infertility- would I still feel like we were an infertility success story?....

What is the most inclusive definition of an infertility success story that you can be comfortable with? Does it have to mean that the couple conceives or adopts a baby? Can someone be an infertility success story without growing their family?

Without wanting to seem like I was the perfect infertility struggler, I would like to think that we were well on our way to being an infertility success story. On December 30, 2010, I wrote about what I thought 2011 might bring:

"I don't really think anything big is going to happen for us in 2011. I think we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food, and falling asleep at 9:15pm. I think in the eyes of most people, we will be kind of boring. And I think in the eyes of society, we will be less than a family.

But I think 2011 will be a good year. And I'm not trying to be vague just so next year at this time I won't be proven wrong again. I have ~~high~~ hopes for it in every way except for expanding our family."

Despite the fact that I didn't think that our family would expand, we had every intention of living each day the best it could be, and not cowering in the dark scary shadows that infertility can cast. It had taken months after our failed IVF(s) for us to reach this conclusion and commit ourselves to living this way. But we had decided to make a change for the better in how we lived in 2011. And I'd consider that a success, a triumph.

I know this is long, and I hope that none of it has been hurtful or oblivious or lacking compassion. I am so gratefully, humbly, amazingly almost 31 weeks pregnant, but there will never be a day when infertility doesn't touch my life in some way. I may seem like a knocked-out-of-the-park infertility success story, but just because we "overcame" infertility this way doesn't mean that when your family expands, infertility goes away, or that you have to be pregnant or adopt to be a "success" story. I truly believe that just as we are all unique and precious, there is a unique and precious resolution to our infertility battles.

My prayer for all of us today, no matter waiting or pregnant or mothering, is that we can trust God enough to let him show us and wow us with what our infertility resolution will be.

Dogs and Diapers

2011-07-29T07:56:00.001-04:00

A year ago today, we met Bert at the SPCA for the first time. I can't believe he's been home for an entire year already!! (Well, almost; we actually brought him home on the 30th).

What is even more hard to wrap my head around is that I'm sitting here today, with Bert running around outside enjoying the cool(ish) morning, and Banana napping on the chair in the living room, and a baby girl thumping around in my belly.

I hope these reflection posts aren't annoying.

Last year, we were getting ready to pour our hearts into a new pup. It was refreshing and exciting for us- a little one who needed some love and direction. We'd had over three years of failed trying for a baby to nurture, and while any infertile will tell you animals are not an exact substitute for a baby, our animals filled a big part of the hole in our family. Bert could not have come into our family at a more crucial time. We loved training him, even in the challenging moments, teaching him what it's like to be a part of our pack. It was so exciting for us to prepare for his arrival- new collar, new bed, new toys. And it is so satisfying to look back on the past year and to see how we have all grown together.

Here I sit again preparing for a new little one. Yesterday morning I started prepping her diapers (prefolds) and wipes, and I'm continuing the process this morning (they are in the 2nd hot wash right now). I have been meaning to start prepping her diapers for a few weeks now, but I was a little afraid. They looked so perfect and new in their packaging- what if I messed them up? But yesterday and today it's supposed to be sunny and almost 100F, so I figured it was time to jump into the diaper prepping so I can line dry them in between washes to save energy. So far so good!!!

It feels so exciting and so weird at the same time to be doing this kind of stuff. Last year, we were so convinced that we'd never welcome a baby into our family, we adopted Bert. I think that celebrating his homecoming and starting to do more "real" baby preparations has caused my head to spin a little bit. I would rather do 18 loads of baby preparation laundry than do my work, and all I can think about while hanging the diapers on the line is all of my friends who are still waiting for their little ones. How last year I was sure that our little one(s) would always only have four paws instead of two hands and two feet.

It is kind of neat to have this blog because it makes me acutely aware of the old cliche of 'what a difference a year makes'. One of my best friends K, who is still struggling with infertility, says that our story has given her hope that one day she will triumph against IF, and be able to look back a year prior and remember how she never thought she would beat it.

After all, a year ago, I never would have dreamed I'd be prepping diapers this summer- instead I was picking up an extra bag of rawhide chips!

If you are feeling like you will never win against IF today, and that your baby will never be in your arms, be encouraged! You never know what the next year will hold :)

Nursery Photos

2011-07-26T19:01:00.012-04:00

Behold, my sister's masterpieces (inspired by Eri.c Carl.e)!! We are in awe of her talent, and so thankful she would spend the time and energy to leave such an amazing mark on our baby girl's room!!

She is also doing three separate paintings that will be framed and hung above the crib- I am sure they will be just as amazing as these murals!!

Back to Normal

2011-07-25T11:37:00.003-04:00

Long story short: I am exhausted!

But the very, very good kind.

Here is a short synopsis of the last week:

-My sister B finished the murals. She did an AMAZING job. My neighbor said our baby's nursery is the cutest one she has ever seen. I am a little biased, but I totally agree. Our baby is so lucky to have such a talented aunt!!

-It was awesome having my sister B here last week- the dogs love her, and it was fun to hang out with her at the pool when she wasn't painting. I think she is one of the few (only?) people who could stay with us for an indefinite period of time and never get on our nerves :)

-Mr. A's mom stayed with us Friday night, and she will not quit asking/pestering/suggesting/nagging about what we are naming this baby! I was SO annoyed, and it did not help lessen the anxiety that I have about them staying here immediately after the baby is born.

-I was treated to an amazing baby shower on Saturday morning. It was so humbling and overwhelming to receive such generosity and prayers and love. My sisters (M and B), my mom, and my aunt hostess-ed it, and it was PERFECT! I was blown away by the number of my friends who traveled to attend, but it was so good to see everyone!!! Our baby girl is so loved and prayed for already!!

-Mr. A's brother came to hang out with him/us this weekend, and while I was at the baby shower, they went up in Mr. A's friend's cessna for an hour! They had an absolute blast!

-After the shower, people came over to hang out and swim before dinner. As much as I wanted to cook after most people left, I just didn't have the mental capacity to throw anything together. Good thing Mr. A, my sister B, and his brother like chinese takeout! ;)

-Sunday, I made pulled pork (for sandwiches) in the crockpot, and we had my parents, my sister M and her hubby, and my sister B over for dinner before everyone traveled home this morning. Before dinner, we played volleyball in the pool, which was so fun! Dinner was very yummy, but since my parents were staying with us last night, we were talking and didn't get to bed until almost 11. Yikes.

-This morning my parents left around 8:30am, and I tried to turn on my computer to work. I really did. But I just could not function. So I took a 3-hour nap. I think the pups are tired, too, because they slept right along with me.

Promise to get a real post up soon!!! :) Hope your Monday is going well :)

no joke!

2011-07-19T16:19:00.001-04:00

My sister's talent is no joke! Here is a sneak peak- more to come!!

And thank you for the well wishes for Bert! Both our dogs are up to date on their bordatella shots, but our vet said that is only one thing that can cause Kennel cough. He does have a case of it, but we now have medicine to help him get better!

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Not Quite Right

2011-07-19T07:08:00.006-04:00

Just call me the obsessed puppy-mama. Bert is still not completely back to normal. Now instead of having the big-D, I can barely find any evidence of poop in the yard, and he hasn't gone #2 on a walk in several days. And, in the past few days, he has started coughing (or something?) every now and then- especially if he has been running around, but this morning I woke up to him coughing and hacking like something was stuck in his throat. His energy and appetite and sleeping/resting are otherwise normal, which is encouraging, but something is still not quite right. I guess it could be kennel cough, but he didn't have this coughing thing last Sunday when we brought him from the kennel- can it have delayed and only occasional appearance? Also, Banana seems to be completely normal- isn't it super contagious?

I was really looking forward to yoga this morning, but it looks like I might have to make a visit to the vet instead. I am hoping it's nothing serious- will keep you posted :)

ETA: I take the lack of poop in the yard back- I have happened upon several normal looking deposits :) Never have been so glad to see them ;-) But after some googli.ng, I do suspect that Bert has kennel cough. Off to the vet we go today!!

Glucose day: Update

2011-07-15T17:03:00.003-04:00

I survived :) Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers!

It turns out my 3-hour partner was very friendly, after she woke up from her nap! She just moved here and is due in 3 weeks- apparently her previous doctor never did a glucose test! She is also preparing for an all-natural birth, so it was really nice to be able to share our preparations and things like that. We even exchanged phone numbers and hope to share rides to yoga after her baby is born, or before if she has the energy. Not really expecting to hear from her again, but who knows!!

Our nurse was newly-pregnant- due in February- and she had tried/waited for TEN YEARS. It was really neat to hear- because of course in the real world, you don't hear of us infertiles all that much. There is always an immediate connection with someone who has struggled to have a baby, that is for sure. (If you're wondering, the other gal taking the test today just forgot her birth control two days in a row....)

The nurse was great- I have one semi-good vein in my left arm, and she drew all FOUR blood samples from the same vein! I haven't taken off the cotton ball yet, so I'm not sure how bruised it is, but I was very impressed. Didn't really hurt that much at all!

My midwife appointment directly afterwards went pretty well. I gained 6 lbs in the last month (oops- I blame the stress/lack of exercise last week and all the carbs this week, ha!), but I am still pretty pleased with how I've gained so far- I think it has been pretty conservative (+16 lbs total at 28w3d), and I hope that I can continue to manage it well. Baby's heartbeat sounds strong and good, and my belly measures right on.

I found out that I failed the 1-hour glucose test by THREE points: their cutoff is 139, and my level was 142. Ha! That made me feel alot better, and they said they would be surprised if I didn't pass the 3-hour. Whew! Of course the results won't be in until next week, so we will just see, but I feel very peaceful about whatever the outcome will be.

Now I start going back for midwife appointments every 2 weeks. Is this really happening? I honestly still can't believe this is ME we're talking about here. I asked her if the hospital has any limits as far as how long they will let you labor and/or push, and she said that any decisions made during labor/pushing are made between us, the midwife, and the doctor- the hospital does not have any per se rules. That made me happy to hear- she said that they realize that sometimes first babies take longer to arrive, and that unless the baby is in distress, their policy is not to rush what is a natural process.

I arrived home just as I was starting to feel really weird/shaky from not eating since dinner last night. I have never inhaled a peanut butter sandwich and string cheese so fast in my life!! Haha :) Then me and the pups took a 2-hour nap....I love these dogs so much!

After our nap, I peeled (is that a word?) myself off the couch to run some errands, the most exciting being going to the art store to get paint for my sister to use for the murals!!!! I am so excited- she has been texting me sketches, and they are phenominal!!!! I can't wait for her to get here on Sunday :)

All in all, I am feeling totally happy today. So thankful for Mr. A, this baby, our pups, the beautiful weather, and the constant support of good friends, neighbors, and family.

2 draws down.......

2011-07-15T09:25:00.001-04:00

At the lab kicked back in my comfy hospital recliner ... I've had the fasting draw and the 1-hour.... 2 more to go! I brought my book- halfway through Anna Karenina ... going to make a big dent in finishing it!

Results wont be in until next week...

There is another girl in here but she doesn't seem in the mood to talk and she is sleeping now. Might have been fun to chat, but at least I have my book and my phone!

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Holy Awful Smell

2011-07-14T15:12:00.004-04:00

Bert is going to kill me!!

When we brought him home from the kennel on Sunday, he had a little scratch on his nose. Nothing big, probably just from some doggie rough-housing with the other dogs there. Nothing that neosporin hasn't fixed.

What hasn't been fixed is the diar.rhea that he also had. I am not sure what caused it- maybe stress of being away from home or maybe that in a few baggies of his food, I had to mix some of Banana's variety in there, too, because we were running out of his variety. I took his "sample" to the vet on Tuesday night after I fed the pups because I was just tired of trying to pick that up on our walks. She said he had some bacterial overgrowth, and diagnosed it to be stress-related colitis. She sent me out the door with antibiotics, some special bland food for a few days, and some probiotics.

That food makes him fart like you would not BELIEVE. It is awful!!! Like seriously, I am going keel over.

The worst part is that "conditions" have not improved. (Luckily, he is not going all the time or anything- still just goes at the regular time frames during our walks.) It is not the big-D color anymore (more normal color), but this morning's business was pretty darn goopy. YUCK.

I am thinking of giving him half rice and half of the special food tonight, instead of all the special food. The clear-the-room farting has GOT to go.

Please kick in, antibiotics. Ha!

Feeling better

2011-07-12T12:09:00.005-04:00

I really appreciate all your support and comments! After a great yoga class this morning (bourbon girl was absent), I am back to feeling confident that I will continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and little girl. Yay!!

My midwife gave me a diet to follow three days prior to my 3-hr test (on Friday morning), so I am following it from now till Thursday. It is kind of counter-intuitive (has you eat at least 7 servings of starch, 4 of fruit, and 2 of dairy per day), because I would think that I wouldn't want any sugars floating around my system before the test, but I guess if you don't eat carbs leading up to the test, your body sort of forgets to process sugars and doesn't make enough of the enzyme necessary to process the drink during the test. I kind of took it easy on carbs/sugars the day before my 1-hr... I wonder if that is why I didn't pass?!

We're getting very excited for my sister to come paint the murals in the baby's room!!! (Check out her etsy page here http://www.etsy.com/shop/brigittemarie - she has some beautiful stuff and does an amazing job with custom paintings, too!) I can't wait to show you pictures of the end result!! I know it is going to be great!

It's going to be a scorcher here today- will definitely be using the pool after work today!

I am scared of failing again

2011-07-11T07:54:00.005-04:00

Failing the 1-hr test has really unsettled me. After having a complication-free pregnancy so far (I know, I'm very lucky), I find myself being really afraid of having GD, but also now afraid of other things. Mr. A maintains that being afraid of all these other things is illogical and a waste of energy, and it's not like I'm dwelling on them 24 hours a day, but whereas I used to think of myself as a strong, pregnant woman, now I just have visions of it all falling apart.... my body failing me just like it did while trying to conceive.

I am afraid of having GD...
I am afraid of going to my appointment this Friday and having high blood pressure.
I am afraid that I've gained too much weight in the last month.
I am afraid that I'll get vericose veins and look ugly.
I am afraid that I won't be able strong enough to have a natural birth. (Assuming there aren't any complications out of my control that require interventions.)
I am afraid that the baby will have too much sugar and have trouble after birth.
I am afraid that people will think GD is my fault.
I am afraid that GD is my fault.
I am afraid that I won't be able to regulate it with diet and will have to take insulin.
I am afraid that I will have diabetes forever.

I used to be pretty confident that I am doing and will do a great job carrying this baby, and that I am totally strong enough for natural birth, and don't worry, there is still a tiny part of me that believes that (somewhere). But if I am being honest, I just want to cry about this latest test result. I think probably when I call my nurse back this morning I might cry when scheduling the 3-hr test. I think probably I will cry at my appointment on Friday, especially if I've failed the 3-hr test, too. And I think if I pass the 3-hr, I'm still going to be afraid that I have GD and they didn't catch it.

I know it is a pretty common complication, and that most people regulate it fine with diet (including my mom and twin mama vv!), and maybe it was naive of me to have thought that since I eat a healthy diet and get good exercise every day that I wouldn't have to struggle with this. I know that most people say that there is nothing a mama can do to prevent from developing GD, but I look at the risk factors and wonder if maybe it was because I had a few extra pounds before becoming pregnant. I can't get over the fact that maybe it's my fault. What else am I going to drop the ball on?

I know that it's all extrapolation at this point, but this is where I'm at. I know it's been said on other blogs, but infertile people should be granted totally complication-free pregnancies. It is and has always been and will always be completely terrifying that things will go wrong, after all the struggle to conceive. The feeling of failing that I was so used to with infertility is back with a vengence.

But all of that being true, I am also so grateful for our baby girl. Mr. A and I were driving to get our pups from the kennel last night, and I'd forgotten the check, so we had to run back home and get one, and then head back out, and I almost teared up then, too. I remarked that I don't really need one more thing going wrong when everything else is going to crap, too.

And he goes "Oh what, the one thing that might not be completely perfect with you being pregnant with our perfect miracle baby?"

And he is so right. We are so thankful for our daughter, and that everything so far has been going great. We will deal with GD if we have to; whatever we need to do to make sure our baby arrives healthy and happy is what we will do. All things considered, this complication is a pretty benign one if treated, and I am fully aware that there are couples receiving unimaginably much more heartbreaking news than they have to keep a close eye on their sugar intake.

So yes, in the grand scheme of things, my fears are ~~probably~~ pretty insignificant, but in the interest of being honest, here they are. I'm trying to be a strong PAIF'er, but last week really took the wind out of me. Hopefully I can get my feet back under me soon....

FAILED

2011-07-10T04:56:00.001-04:00

Ugh.

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vague messages are the worst

2011-07-07T12:53:00.001-04:00

So of course we are travelling today, and in between flights I see I missed a call from my midwife... her message? "Call me at your earliest convenience."

I am now convinced I failed the 1-hr glucose test. Why else would she call? Why didn't she just say "you failed" instead of stupid nothing.

Ugh. I am so disappointed in myself. It just brings all my IF insecurities to the surface - like even though I thought my body knew what to do, it is going to start failing...

I called her back and said that I hope she can get ahold of me before our flight at 145... and I said if she has to leave a message to please be specific as to the reason for her call....

Ugh.

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Off the Wagon

2011-07-06T07:55:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling a little bit off the wagon this week....

Yesterday I didn't go to my yoga class because we had deadlines at work, and since I had been researching flights to my the northeast instead of catching up on work things Monday evening (yah, we didn't have any 4th plans....), I had some things to finish. When I called my studio, my instructor said "Well just remember that babe doesn't need stress, so remember to breathe!!" I totally meant to do my yoga DVD yesterday afternoon, but I was on the phone with nearly every member of my immediate family at least once and hour, and I was getting ducks in a row at work for the remainder of the week, so that didn't happen...

Today I thought I would do yoga this morning, but Mr. A has just informed me that we may be leaving a full 4 hours before I thought we would be so we can have dinner with his parents tonight before we leave tomorrow AM at the serious crack of dawn. So with having to pack our things and the dogs' things and drop the dogs off at the kennel and inform work that I won't really be "there" today and maybe squeeze a shower in there (ha!), it is shaping up to be pretty hectic.

Maybe I can do some cat/cow poses while the shower is heating up....

My grandma's town is super tiny, and there is only one hotel in the area. After I booked our rooms, I looked online to see if they had a website (amazingly, they do), but they got raked over the coals on tri.padvisor!! Ha!! One reviewer (there were only 3) said it was like the hotel in Ps.ycho! Hahahahahaha. Should be an adventure, for sure!!! I am not expecting to roll up to the lap of luxury in tiny town northeast, USA, but I hope it is comfortable and clean at least.

Something very sweet was that apparently at some point in the funeral there will be a presentation of roses, one "from" each grandchild and great-grandchild. My Grama wanted to make sure that there would be one from our baby girl, incidentally the only great-granddaughter (amidst 5 young great-grandsons). I think there is something deeply moving and significant that my Grama finally "knew" a great-granddaughter before she passed away, with her being such an elegant feminine influence.

Thank you for all your support and advice over the last couple of days! I know I don't know most of you in person, but I really appreciate it :)

Attire?

2011-07-05T12:23:00.004-04:00

Do you think any of these dresses are appropriate for the funeral? (These are the ones I have, not that I think would necessarily be the best choices for a somber occasion...) I'm not sure if I need to go get a black maternity dress....

I think I'll bring the blue one and the brown one and see what people think- my mom said that I shouldn't be afraid to wear color- my grandma loved flowers- but I don't want to be "that person" with the flashy outfit at the funeral....

Rest in Peace

2011-07-04T15:05:00.003-04:00

My dad's mom passed away this afternoon, a little while after he had "talked" to her on the phone (she had been unresponsive for a little while, but his brother held the phone to her ear so my dad could say some things). My dad just encouraged her that she needed to go on and meet up with Grandpa. So sweet. {tear}

We will miss you, Grama!!!

Food and Fotos on Friday

2011-07-01T12:03:00.008-04:00

In honor of my glucose tolerance test I did this morning, I'm posting my recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip muffins! Don't worry, I didn't have one for breakfast!

4 eggs
1 cup sugar
3 cups pumpkin puree
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
3 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1 cup chocolate chips

Beat eggs, sugar, pumpkin, vanilla, and oil together in a large bowl. Combine 2.5 cups of the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt in another bowl, and add a portion at a time to the wet mixture. Toss the chocolate chips in the last 0.5 cups of flour, and fold into the batter until just mixed. Bake at 385F for 16-20 minutes.

These muffins aren't super sweet, but they are very satisfying with the combination of pumpkin and chocolate flavors. Hope you like them!

And also, here are some photos of our flowers in front of the house this year- everything is doing great!!

(Try to ignore the huge empty spot in the front- perennial gardens are a work in progress!)

Will post pictures of our vegetable garden and berry bushes soon! They are doing AWESOME!! There is something amazingly satisfying about successfully growing your own veggies and fruit, and it doesn't seem to be that difficult at all!

More on the Photog.

2011-06-30T21:15:00.002-04:00

I think it is funny that most of you were more concerned with the "dishonesty" and would admit that good photographers are pricey, while I was more price sticker shocked than convinced she is out to screw her customers.

I really think she probably mentioned something about the newborn session while at the expo. You know how those things are- a noisy gym/conference center with tons of people and distractions, and to be completely honest, I was walking around that place in such a happy fog, that she could have told me that I had to buy her a new car and I would not have remembered.

And as far as the website goes, yes, it wasn't clear, but I don't think she made it that way on purpose. I just have a tendency for taking things very literally, and since it didn't say "minimum order", I just didn't think that the "expect to pay" part was equivalent terminology. Which it technically isn't, but I guess some people would say that if someone tells you to "expect to pay" something, that is what you will be paying!! So I can see both sides, but I still hope she edits her site to be clear that there is a minimum order required. And I think that if I hadn't asked her via email about the reprints this morning, she would have gone over it when we met for lunch- she had a price list/info sheet ready to hand me when I arrived.

I think she does amazing work and will be very easy to work with. And, I don't think you could be a successful family photographer if you got a reputation for doing backhanded things to your clients. Plus we are getting both a maternity and a newborn session for the cost. We can buy a CD of the edited images so we can make our own prints (which cost pennies) of what picture and how big and how many, and the CD is a pretty big price item, so with buying the CD and 2 "brag" albums for the grandparents, we will exactly meet the $350 minimum and be out the door. Easy peasy. No going over the minimum.

I was surprised at the hostility in a couple of the comments, though. Have you never misunderstood someone, or have said something that was interpreted differently than you intended by someone else? Did they jump down your throat about it or vice versa?

Buyer's Remorse

2011-06-30T11:48:00.007-04:00

So a few months ago I went to this baby expo and entered a raffle for a free maternity photo session with a professional photographer. You know the type, the gal who takes perfectly beautiful maternity photos you dream of being in someday.

Well it turns out, I won!

I was very excited :) The caveat- that was either not mentioned at the expo or I just didn't hear it because angels were singing in my ears at the time because I actually was at a baby expo because I was pregnant- was that we had to agree to buying a newborn session, too.

Okay, that is fine, newborn session was only $200, and what is $200 on the baby we have dreamed of and prayed for for more than three years?

So today I was supposed to be meeting the photographer for lunch to set up and pay for the newborn session and look at all her albums and extra's. It says on her website "expect to pay at least $350 for reprints and items", but of course I scoffed at that- I thought that was the average that most people spend, and who really needs $350 of reprints?!?!?

Until I learned, through email conversation with her this morning, that there is a $350 minimum order required with the newborn session!!

OH. (I did tell her fairly bluntly that she needs to edit that part of her website to be clear that the $350 is a required minimum, and that I would have been greatly blindsided and upset if I hadn't had realized that until I was handing her the session check, or worse, taking the newborn photos themselves!)

To say that I have buyer's remorse (before I have even bought anything) is an understatement. I am agreeing to pay nearly $600 for photographs?!?!?!

But Mr. A says we should just do it, that this (having a baby) doesn't happen every day, and it will probably only happen three times, max.

And that damn infertility devil sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear "He has a point- but even three times is awfully optimistic- this might be your only baby."

Well crap, if you put it that way, let's spend $2k!

I am sure she will do a great job, and that we will be really happy to get reprints for our friends and family, and that after paying God knows how much money for all the medications, appointments, and procedures in the last 3 years, $600 is cheap. Not to mention this baby girl is priceless, anyway.

It's a good thing I'm not fertile, because I could not justify $600 for newborn photos of each of my easily-conceived perfectly-spaced 4 kids!!! Hahaha :)

(ETA: {sad face} Everyone's "holy crap's" and "whoa's" and "yikes's" are not helping me feel any better. So am I really an idiot? Not that I just want you to say what I want to hear, but isn't there anyone who would do the same thing? Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I feel like taking this post down and calling her to say don't cash my check!!!)

Ouch

2011-06-29T12:38:00.005-04:00

"But for the child-free, the benefits go beyond dollars and cents. There's less guilt, less worry, less responsibility, more sleep, more free time, more disposable income, no awkward conversations about Teen Mom, no forced relationships with people just because your kids like their kids, no chauffeuring other people's kids in your minivan to soccer games you find less appealing than televised chess."

Read the whole article here on yahoo today. Hard to fathom that couples willingly make the choice to remain childless- based on such materialistic ideals so that they won't be bothered with difficult conversations or lack of fancy vacations- while there is an entire portion of the population who willingly spend the amount of an extravagant vacation for even a chance at conceiving a precious child, or way more than an extravagant vacation for a chance to adopt their child.

This article just hurts to read.

(For what it's worth, I do believe in living within your means, and of course raising a child does cost money, but I don't think that's the point of the article at all.)

Bourbon, yes; Bug Spray, no

2011-06-28T13:22:00.002-04:00

HA. Today bourbon girl was back (shoot! pun intended..get it?). When our teacher asked us how we were feeling, bourbon girl launches into her latest lame complaint that mosquitos are attacking her. Oh really? In the summer, outside? No kidding!!! But she says that she doesn't want to use bug spray because she's not sure if it will sink in.

HAAA!!! So, let me get this straight. She is fine with drinking hard alcohol to get her baby to stop moving, but she is a little wary of using a squirt of bug spray. Maybe if she did a little research, she would know that you can buy natural bug repellents that do work!!! Maybe she is too busy doing shots...

She also regaled us with a tale of how she was at a party recently and she had a hot flash and people were telling her how glowing she looked, and she had to correct them that she was just super pregnant and sweaty and feeling gross!

I do not make this stuff up...this girl is for real- straight out of your worst IF/PAIF nightmare!

But yoga this morning was a good class, so I am trying to focus on that. I finally figured out a way so that my shoulders don't tense up during our 2-minute holds of squats- don't brace my arms on my knees! I just let my arms hang down for the 2 minutes, and it is much easier to relax my entire body (except for my legs of course) for the 2-minute time frame. YAY! It was annoying having my shoulders be so tense during squats because instead of focusing on having strong legs, I would be having all my energy locked up in my shoulders! So glad I fixed it :)

I have my glucose test on Friday, and I'm hoping that I pass. My mom had GD with my brother, but she said that her glucose test was the day after Easter (yikes!), so she suspects that it was a false positive....

Hope you're all having a good week so far and steering clear of mosquitoes! ;-)

Grandmas (mine)

2011-06-27T09:40:00.006-04:00

We love our dogs for lots of reasons, but one of them is that they help us meet our neighbors! Many of our neighbors have dogs, too, and it has been really nice to get to know them (and their pups). I always wanted to live in a place where you had your neighbors' phone numbers on the fridge in case you needed something or wanted to invite them for dinner.

Or to swim!

We live around the corner from an older couple whose dog LOVES to play with our dogs. Whenever he has a chance, he escapes from their yard and comes bolting over to ours (literally, he only comes here when he gets out- makes it easy for them to find him!) to see if Banana and Bert are outside (there is a good chance they will be because they love it outside!). Anyway, our neighbors' granddaughters (9-year old twin girls) are visiting them for 3 weeks, and so we invited them to come over and swim yesterday afternoon.

I just can't say how much the grandma reminds me of each of mine in different ways. She even seems to talk like one of my grandma's! Yesterday was the second time they'd come to swim (the girls are seriously top notch young ladies and are great company!), and both times I found myself lost in memories of time spent with each of my grandmas.

We spent more time with my maternal grandparents (almost every summer for 2 or so weeks), and the one thing that I will never forget is how fun it was to get up in the morning (grandma was already awake) and get the container of Nesquik out of her cabinet and make some chocolate milk while she made me oatmeal with apple jelly and we would talk about what the day was going to hold. That is my quintessential maternal grandma moment. We did lots of other things, too- picking strawberries and cherries, having picnics at the beach, swinging on their porch swings, playing badminton in their backyard, and working in her garden.

She has Alzheimer's, so the last few years have been a little rough on her (she still fights the notion that she has Alzheimer's from time to time), especially losing my grandpa last August. So although my memories of visiting her when I was 9 will never fade, remembering those times was quite a change from how I relate to her lately (and vice versa). When I was sitting talking with my neighbors and their granddaughters, it was kind of freeing to remember my grandma they way she used to be, the way it seems that the girls relate to their grandma this summer.

My paternal grandma lived further away (this grandpa passed away when I was about 3), so we visited her less (but she visited us more!), but the memories with her are not any less cherished or prominent. This grandma is the girly-girl's dream come true. She always wore dress clothes on airplanes, and whenever we went to pick her up, I always thought she looked so elegant! She was a very early riser, with her first priorities being to get the coffee going and to "put on her face". Meaning, get out her fancy makeup bag and spill it's beautiful contents onto the bathroom counter and start applying all kinds of creams and shadows and glosses with big fluffy brushes and soft applicators. When you are 9, makeup even smells fancy and decadent and alluring!! My day couldn't get any better if she decided that I needed a little blush or lipstick that morning. (It was seriously a little- she never overdid it- it was just enough to send my heart flying with excitement!) Her necklaces and earrings and bracelets always matched her outfits, and she always wore a hat to church. She taught me one thing I will never forget, regarding nail care: You paint a house, but you polish your nails. Don't even think of painting your nails!!! ;-) She made amazing Christmas cookies, and there was nothing better than sledding in her yard and then hanging your mittens to dry over the heating vent. She is also an amazing Christian lady- she always inspired me to stay close to Jesus, even (especially) when my heart was sad.

In the last month or two, she has been diagnosed with an aggressive stage of colon cancer, and while the original prognosis was up to 2 years, she has developed an additional bowel infection which has really taken her on the downward spiral quickly. As of this morning, her doctors say she has "weeks" at most. She has always been preciously small (I seriously think she weighs 90 lbs soaking wet), but my aunt tells me she is starting to look very frail. I want to go see her (even though it's a $400 plane ticket), but the bowel infection is very contagious (even the nurses have to gown/glove/mask when they go into her room, not to mention normal visitors), and I am not sure if it is advisable for me to potentially expose myself and baby girl to the infection which can apparently be difficult to treat and very stubborn. I'm going to put a call into my midwife, but I am sure my grandma will understand if I can't make it to see her. Right?

So while both my grandmas are still with us, I think the time is near when their time on earth will be through and they will be reunited with their husbands in Heaven. Just as it was neat to think of my grandpa joining the angels watching over us last August, it is calming and exciting to me that my paternal grandma will probably be doing the same sometime soon.

It seems like my neighbors' granddaughters have alot of love and respect for their grandma right now, and I hope with all my heart that they tuck away these times into their memories so that in 20 years when things are different, the happy times they spent together will soften any sadness that comes with their grandma slipping away.

One more shot (for now)

2011-06-22T08:29:00.004-04:00

Update on bourbon girl: She was not in class yesterday (maybe hungover? haha, okay, I know that is harsh...).

But since I arrived first to the studio, I took the opportunity to let my teacher know that it was hard for me to hear her say she drank bourbon to get her baby to stop moving. I shared that after struggling with infertility, feeling our baby move is so amazing and is such an answered prayer, and I just cannot fathom why someone would want to silence their healthy, active baby.

Luckily, not more than a second after I'd said this, she said "I totally agree with you! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say to her."

She went on to tell me that another girl in the class had expressed her concern/shock/disappointment after class, and that she was worried that a first time attendant of our class last week wouldn't be back because of the awkwardness that bourbon girl created (the first time attendant was missing yesterday, too, unfortunately).

At least I wasn't the only one. Seems like bourbon girl is alone in her desire to but the kibosh (sp?) on her wiggly little one. (Our Tuesday morning class is small- there are usually only 2-3 students plus our teacher.)

Our teacher is a licensed clinical social worker whose career is (was? she owns this yoga studio now...) working with foster children and their birthparents who are to be reunited. She said the weirdest part of hearing about bourbon girl's drinking habits was that she is used to working with people whose first inclination is "I don't really feel like giving up (insert destructive habit here) just for my child." Whereas, here is bourbon girl, attending a prenatal yoga class that from all indications and research can help moms be the healthiest people they can be, and that is why 99% of the students enroll in prenatal yoga, and this chick is triumphantly telling us of her habit that she has added to her lifestyle that in many circumstances is a contributing factor to people having their kids taken away from them.

As I noted, bourbon girl wasn't there yesterday, and our teacher isn't sure where "the line" is as far as talking to her about it versus letting her deal with the consequences of her actions.

But suffice it to say that we had an awesome class yesterday. It was me, the teacher, and another gal who is 35 weeks pregnant. We worked hard, had just enough but not too much banter during class, and they were asking me all kinds of questions about our baby shower and giving me awesome advice after class was over. It was the perfect morning- no alcohol needed ;-)

Karma is a you-know-what

2011-06-21T07:16:00.004-04:00

{Thank you all for your comments and reflections over the last week about bourbon girl. I hope that you don't think I was a wuss for wanting to ask our teacher to say something to her! I guess my reasoning was that it seems like they have a friendly rapport, so maybe a suggestion or comment from her would be more readily received....as opposed to one from me who has pretty much zero relationship (even acquaintance-wise) with this chick. And, hopefully she won't even be there for ~~any~~ more than a few more weeks, so I don't think it is worth making things awkward or angry during yoga classtime that I've come to really look forward to, because I'm sure nothing I say would change her choices- she just appears to be that sort of person. I will keep you posted if she has anything else mind-blowing to share!}

You will all remember my generally insensitive friends from college, namely the girl who told everyone else she was pregnant except me. Well, ever since April, I have emailed with several of them, but I am through doing the group emails- there are a few of them (I think you can tell who) that clearly do not care about maintaining our friendship. But it turns out that girl #5's dad has been diagnosed with cancer (she was a surprise baby, so her parents are in their 70's), as she shared with us in a blanket email, because apparently she doesn't think that her behavior has affected anyone's desire to give her support.

Seems like the shoe is on the other foot, girl #5.

Do I have any experience with cancer? Do I know the exact right things to say? Do I know what it's like to hear that my DAD has CANCER?

Nope.

Given the events over the last year with her, I completely do not feel like emailing her back. I do not feel close to her, or her friend, or that she cares about me, or that if my dad had cancer that she would give two bleeps.

But what good am I if I return the behavior that caused me so much pain, even if I don't consider her to be my friend anymore?

Having grown up with a very manipulative mother, I am always worried that if I act as the better person, forgiving and forgetting, that people who seem to care only about themselves will never get the picture if people are always nice to them despite their behavior. There is still a part of me that wants to stick it to them and force the consequences of their awful choices in their face. How else are they going to learn?

But it is not up to me to change their heart. That is up to God. In the prayer that Jesus gave us, he encourages us to ask forgiveness from our Father, AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS (Luke 11:2-4). We must forgive others as we want to be forgiven when we make mistakes.

I'm going to email her back. I don't have any delusions that I'm going to get any response from her, and it doesn't change how I feel like we are not really friends anymore. But it's the right thing to do, and that's what I'm choosing today :)

Musings (more bourbon)

2011-06-17T12:28:00.005-04:00

It is nice to know I'm not the only one who was more than a little surprised/shocked at Bourbon-girl's choices.

To answer some of your wonderings, basically the other 4 of us in the room all sort of had the same reaction, including the teacher. We were all kind of speechless! (And, no, I don't think she was joking.) Then it was sort of the awkward "laughter" and her trying to dig herself out of the hole she just dug in front of pretty much complete strangers, who are all at the yoga class to try to be the healthiest they can for their baby!! I think everyone was too shocked to really give her any ~~third degree~~ constructive advice that maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

Several times since Tuesday, I have sat down to draft an email to my teacher about my disappointment in this girl's choices. I think it is completely awful that anyone would ever drink to purposefully sedate their unborn baby (as misfit pointed out in the comment section), and I feel like someone should tell her that, and since she seems to have no problem talking to the teacher, in my heart of hearts I thought maybe our teacher could say something to her about it.

But I have never sent the email (yet?). I am not sure that I really expect our teacher to make an issue out of it, even though there is definitely an issue to be made, and I am not sure even if I really expected her to step up to the plate if she would actually do it. Even though I'm sure our teacher didn't think it was a healthy response, is it really her place to confront this girl about it a week after she said it? I am sure the girl would be defensive, and I can't imagine the teacher wanting to create some conflict in the studio...

Would you ask the teacher to say something?

Stop Annoying Me (Have some Bourbon)

2011-06-14T00:38:00.001-04:00

For the last 8 weeks or so, I've been taking a prenatal yoga class at a studio in my area. I LOVE IT!!! For the first 4 weeks or so of that time, there was a girl who came to the same class who is about 10 weeks further along than me, and as hard as I tried to be friendly, she never seemed to reciprocate or seem interested in me. It is hard for me, because I'd like to be friends with everyone, but as I've learned the hard way, some people just don't care about being my friend. (However, she talks to our teacher the whole class, which annoys me...)

Then she didn't come for a while, and it was admittedly really nice. The other girls who would come to class are all very friendly and interested and talkative. We had peaceful, quiet, challenging classes, but before and after class we were swapping ideas on where to get maternity workout gear and what our experiences have been so far and how things were going in general.

Well, she was back today, and my impression of her has decreased even further.

At the beginning of the class, our teacher asks us how things are going and if anything in particular is bothering us that we could work on during class. Here is what she had to say:

"Well, this damn kid is moving so much that it is getting annoying! I can't even enjoy a cocktail party anymore without the movement being distracting! I have started drinking some bourbon before I go out just so the baby won't move as much. The worst part is when the baby moves when I lay down to sleep, and my belly is jumping around on the left side!"

Um. I think I literally raised my eyebrows and dropped my jaw and looked away. Did she just say she drinks BOURBON to get her PRECIOUS BABY to STOP MOVING?

Listen missy, I am really sorry that you can't enjoy a stupid cocktail party without feeling the new life within you moving around. And feeling your child squirming around when you are going to bed at night must really delay your sleep by a whole few minutes.

But you have NO idea how many women go to cocktail parties with empty wombs after another cycle has failed. You have NO idea how many women's sleeps are delayed by tears of longing for a child in their belly. And, have you gotten the MEMO that you're not supposed to drink while you're pregnant?

I honestly still can't believe that she complained about this. Fine, if she wants to complain about swollen feet or sciatica or heartburn or whatever, FINE. (I still don't think those are valid in view of the amazing opportunity and blessing that pregnancy is, but whatever.) But I am not going to know what to do if you come in again and complain to me that your child is moving within you.

Because there are women who look forward to the kicks and the squirming as the highlight of their day. I love the days when baby girl is more active, and I get nervous when I haven't felt her as much (like today, really trying not to worry about it...). I can't even fathom complaining that she moves TOO MUCH. It is really beyond my comprehension.

So yoga girl, it's highly uncharacteristic to me to think things like this, but I'm glad you're 35 weeks. I don't know if I can stand more than 5 more weeks of you coming to "my" yoga class!!!

Friday Prayer Request(s)

2011-06-10T10:26:00.002-04:00

Morning :)

Some friends of my sister's are pregnant with triplets and they have just been given word that two of their girls (identical) have Stage IV Twin-to twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). You can read their blog at Zero to Three in 40 Weeks (also to the right on my blogroll). I've been reading them for a few months now, and up until this point, things have been going awesome, so you can imagine how scary this must be for them!

If you have some spare minutes, please go over and leave them a virtual hug, and pray for them and their girls as they trust doctors and nurses with their lives. Also, if you have any experience with this condition, I'm sure they would love to hear your story and any encouragement you may have!!

What is your prayer request for today?

Back on Track

2011-06-08T08:57:00.003-04:00

After too much contemplating and lamenting the Oreo package yesterday, I am happy to say that today is looking much better. :)

I have already weeded and watered our veggie garden, which I am so excited to say is looking great!!! I am all set to have a breakfast of cherries (from the farmer's market!!!) and Kashi Honey Almond Flax cereal (my favorite because it has omega-3's and protein for baby girl!) with organic milk. YUM.

Then I am getting a much needed hair-trim this morning (only a trim- I don't want to do one of those drastic pregnancy hair-chops)!

Then a friend of mine and her FIVE (soon to be six; she is due a week after I am) kids are coming for lunch and swimming this afternoon. Should be a perfect day for it- sunny and 95!

She is bringing gazpacho (sp?) and tuna salad sandwiches, and I am making a huge salad with some garden lettuce, farmer's market tomatoes, organic carrots, and Mennonite (boiled) eggs. I think I'm also going to go and get some fresh fruit for a snack for us all this afternoon.

I'm taking the day off of work, and I couldn't be happier!! Hope your day is looking up, too!

Who?

2011-06-07T12:33:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago, I bought a package of O.reo's at the store.

I know, they are completely NOT what/how we eat, and I honestly don't even remember the last time I bought such an artificial, processed, preservative-laden, junk food.

But they looked good at the time.

Unfortunately, it turns out that they are not Mr. A's favorite cookie/snack (after almost a year of stopping the purchase of processed foods and snacks in our home, he goes for a handful of almonds- yay, it's working!!), but somehow there is a row and half of the cookies gone.

I certainly cannot be responsible for eating the whole package of Or.eo's... I don't care how long they've been in the pantry. I promise I only have 2 or 3 at a time, and not even every day. And because my body isn't really used to eating that type of thing, I don't even think they are that great.

So who else is eating the rest of them? It has to be someone else. It can't be just me....come on.....

amazing...

2011-06-04T16:56:00.002-04:00

Hard to believe that we have a crib in our house... we are so thankful!!!!

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Fast Forward

2011-06-03T14:16:00.009-04:00

I want to know who hit the warp speed button. Because although it is exciting and thrilling, I am not exactly used to all of this yet.

In the last week, we ordered the nursery furniture, set up our registries, received our baby's first diapers, ordered the crib mattress, talked to my sister about mural ideas (we are doing E.ric Car.le animals!), took a new belly picture, and received word that the nursery furniture is ready for pickup.

WHAT.

For as long as we waited and dreamed of being pregnant, this part of our journey is going really fast. I never thought it would go by so quickly, but as I treasure each day, I still can't believe we are already more than halfway to meeting our baby. And not that I take meeting her for granted- my hope and prayer is that God allows her a long and happy and healthy life with our family- and we are preparing for her with great joy, but we are far from taking each day of her life as a given. We feel like we can't say enough thank you's for her life- every time I feel her kick and squirm, I am reminded of what a gift she is to us.

I have been having some survivor's guilt the last couple of days- especially since our diapers arrived yesterday and the covers and all-in-one's are honestly some of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life. I don't care if it takes me 25 loads of washing the prefolds to get them prepped, I am so excited about it! I received a "how-to" booklet with our order, and I've already read it twice. There is so much to learn and consider, but I can't wait to try my hand at it.

But every time I glance in the baby's room and see things in there that are baby-related, I "remember all {our infertile} way". I think of YOU who are still waiting, YOU who have suffered losses, YOU whose hearts are frustrated, and YOU whose baby's room looks like ours did 5 months ago. I worry that what I think are words of comfort or encouragement to you may come across as hollow or ungenuine (is that a word?) given where I find myself today. I think of the times when I tried to read PAIF blogs and the writers seemed to have lost all recollection of their struggle with infertility, and I cringe at the possibility that some of my readers think I have.

But I haven't; I will never forget. Every minute of this pregnancy has been so treasured in light of our journey to get here. There is not one second when I have "missed" something from before I was pregnant.

I always wanted to fast forward through infertility, and now part of me wants time to slow down so I can drink in this pregnancy as much as I can.

But the other part of me is so amazingly raring to go and can't order baby stuff fast enough. The other part of me looks at the daily z.ulily sales and puts 4 dresses in the shopping cart before my brain takes over and determines that even though the dresses are on sale, do you really need to buy that now?? (The answer so far has been "welllllll, no......"...)

Praying our baby girl already knows how much she is loved and wanted. I am sure the next 18 weeks are going to fly by, just like the last 18 (or 22 "total") have!!!

On their way

2011-05-31T15:09:00.005-04:00

Well, baby girl's crib, dresser, nightstand, and conversion kit are on their way! We ended up ordering the set from BRU:
Mr. A was sufficiently satisfied with its quality, and since the Amish place was 20 minutes more of a drive, we just decided that this set would be the one for us. It was pretty surreal ordering it. Apparently our bank thought so, too, because after we'd paid for the set and left the store, they flagged our card and made us verify that it was actually US that made the purchase and not some ~~fertile couple who would obviously need a crib and dresser~~ other identity thief. But I am hopeful that it will arrive without scuffmarks and with all the assembly hardware (the dresser comes assembled but we have to put the crib together), and that it will look perfect in her room.

She officially has nicer bedroom furniture than we do!!!

We are so excited :)

Baby Things

2011-05-29T09:30:00.002-04:00

I can hardly believe what I did yesterday afternoon- I ordered a newborn cloth diapering set. I am so excited and nearly paralyzed by reality at the same time!! Is this really happening?!?!? I hope cloth diapering is as easy as everyone I know who does it says it is. I even added three newborn all-in-one's in case Mr. A doesn't like the prefolding. But even people who prefold say it is a piece of cake. I am so excited!!

I have been trying to ease myself into all things baby because it is pretty overwhelming. I tried to start setting up an online registry the other day, and my eyes started swimming with all the options. Why do there have to be 20 different patterns of the same carseat? Do you know how much information-overload that is for a pregnant infertile?!

Not to mention while everyone else is gleefully filling up their baby's closet and nursery by now, I am still very aware at 21w5d that this baby is not HERE yet. She is well on her way, and chances are great that she will be here happy and healthy, but every time I go to order something or register for something or even look at something baby-related, I think, maybe I shouldn't get ahead of myself...

And yet this afternoon we are tentatively planning on going to look at cribs at an Amish place nearby. There is one at Babi.esRU.s that I picked out, but Mr. A *hates* putting furniture together (it seems like it always happens that we are missing one tiny screw or a side piece is all scratched to pieces or the holes don't line up or something), so he wants to see what our other options are. If we go with the Amish place, it will probably be at least twice as expensive, but I know it will be worth it- they made our kitchen table/chairs, and that set will be in our family forever....

We are so grateful for this little girl. We put her profile picture as our wallpaper on the laptop, and every time we open it, it makes us catch our breath. I always saw other people's u/s pictures of profiles and thought it was amazing to see such a view of their baby, and now I have been blessed with one of my own. There were many times when I thought for sure that it would never happen for us.

Adjusting (brutally honest)

2011-05-25T08:47:00.004-04:00

If you had known me when I was 8 years old, even though my cabbage patch doll was named Emily Ann, you would have heard me say that "I am only having boys when I grow up."

If you had known me when I was 15-21, you would have heard about the awful relationship that my mom and I had at that time: the lying, the manipulating, the yelling, the sneaking, and the mistrusting. You would have heard her say "I can't wait until you have a daughter just (as awful) like you." And you would have heard me say "I am only having boys when I grow up."

If you have known me during out struggle to conceive a baby, you would have heard me say "I don't care if we have a girl or a boy, we just want to be parents." But in my heart, I never pictured myself with having a girl.

And last Friday, the ultrasound tech said, "Your baby is a girl."

And without any doubt, we are so grateful for this little girl!!

I went to Target, and I picked out an adorable set of pink onesies, one of which said "Daddy's Princess". I know she will be the light of our lives, the child we have praying for for so long. I know we will raise her to be faithful and compassionate, and to be true to herself.

But I get scared when I think of her growing up in today's (really, tomorrow's) world.

I have a cousin who is 12, and sometimes I worry about her. Her parents have done and continue to do an awesome job of lovingly setting safe boundaries for her. But the idea that I (and they) have told her 894 times that 4" hoop earrings are not appropriate for 12 year old's, and she STILL gives me an eye roll that is the most dismissive "I-don't-believe-you-and-you-are-clearly-so-old-that-your-opinion-is-not-cool" expression of body language I have ever seen really gets to me. Or that she thinks neon pink lipstick is honestly a good color on anyone. Or that she takes on this valley-girl (for lack of a better term) tone when she is talking about something that is supposedly cool.

She is such a great girl at heart- she loves animals of every kind, she is strong in her faith, and she is very helpful to others, so I just pray for her that when pop culture says you need to be this other (materialistic, obnoxious, made-up, fake) person, she remains confident in who she is on the inside.

Right now, she and her mom have a good relationship, and I pray that that continues once she gets older.

Because I am scared that my relationship with my daughter will be like my mom and I's when I was a teenager. I was literally trying to remember a tender moment with my mom this morning, and I honestly am having trouble- the memories are so filled with hurt and anger and conflict from when I was growing up. (We are better now, but not really 100%.)

Am I going to be able to relate to my daughter differently?

My friend's mom did not have a good relationship with her mom, and when she had two daughters, she resolved to not repeat history. My friend has an awesome relationship with her mom. This gives me hope.

So it has taken some adjusting to get used to the idea that we are going to be raising a daughter, just because I think subconsciously that possibility has scared the crap out of me since I was 15. I hope that I will be able to foster an open, honest, respectful relationship with her; that she will respect me as her mom, and that I will be able to trust her judgment/independence as she gets older.

I hope it doesn't seem like we are not totally in love and totally excited for this little girl. She is the answer to our prayers, and I am tearing up just writing that. I hope that the perspective that I've gained from my life and from trying so hard to conceive her will allow me the viewpoint that will encourage an amazing bond with her, and I hope she will want the same with me. It would be so wonderful to be able to have the mother-daughter relationship that I always saw my friends have with their moms, and to have that be my daughter and I.

I probably shouldn't be worried about 15 years from now. I should probably focus on how fun it will be to have a little girl- a daddy's princess and a mommy's helper. I can't wait to teach her how to cook and how to swim and how to run and how to read. I can't wait to celebrate her accomplishments and to help her through disappointments. I can't wait to see how her life unfolds, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be her mom.

Time for Pictures

2011-05-23T14:22:00.007-04:00

We had a great weekend! I went to the farmer's market on Saturday morning and got the sweetest strawberries I've ever tasted, along with three juicy tomatoes, and most importantly, vegetable plants!!

Our garden was more like a weed patch, aside from the rows of peas, lettuce, and spinach we've planted (one of each) (and we planted them a little late and so our spinach and lettuce aren't doing so swell). I should have taken a "before" picture just so you can appreciate how ridiculous it was.

But, it is already mid-May, and I know we needed to get our little plants in the ground, and since Mr. A was busy with helping our neighbor do some repairs around their house, I decided it was high time baby girl learned what a hoe was and how to plant tomatoes and what an amazing thing compost is!!! (I am so impressed with our compost (we have a rotatable barrel composter). It is so rich and dark, and I know it is full of amazing nutrients!!!)

I had to take more breaks than normal for water and resting, and it took me a good 4 hours to clear all the weeds and prepare the soil, but I am happy to say that our garden is planted, except for cantelopes, pumpkins, and beans. Working on getting those in the ground this week or this weekend (we plant them in another place in the yard)!!

Here are some pictures:

(L to R: peas, lettuce, spinach, zucchini, cucumbers, peppers, paste tomatoes, roma tomatoes, heirloom tomatoes)

(L to R: Mosquito plant, cut peonies from the front flower garden, and a Goblin Gaillardia)

(Some roses our neighbor cut for us from her bush- they smell amazing!!)

(Banana (lighter) and Bert (darker), in their favorite afternoon spot- snuggled up in the sun spot in the front foyer)

Hope your Monday's are off to a good start!

Cliche

2011-05-20T13:32:00.004-04:00

Everyone says "What a difference a year makes" at some point or another in their lives. Yesterday, I was talking (emailing) to one of my best friends, and she said "Think how far you have come since last year this time".

And since bloggers have an awesome history of themselves saved in a cute little drop down menu, I went to check what I was doing May 20 last year.

I knew it was around when we found out our IVF failed.

I didn't remember it was officially May 20.

Or, as I so succinctly put it, "It's the end".

I can't even begin to sufficiently describe how different this morning was, and now that I have the perspective of how far we have really come, I am having trouble putting the awesomeness (literally) of this morning into words. Let's just say we are so blessed; this baby looks perfect. We are so grateful, it is beyond anything we could have ever dreamed would happen to us, and we just pray for this child that they will continue growing beautifully and healthfully.

I'll update the ultrasound/belly page with a new belly pic and photos from this morning momentarily, so keep checking back!! (Pictures are up now!)

Oh. Were you wondering if this baby is a boy or girl? Well, let's just say we can't wait for HER to arrive in October!!! :-D

Is this really me?

2011-05-19T09:52:00.002-04:00

It is really hard for us to believe that I am 20 weeks pregnant.

We went from thinking we'd have no problems having kids, to maybe we'd have problems, to what the crap is the problem, to I guess we just won't have kids, to maybe we'll start a scholarship program for a kid in our area's college, to by a miracle, we can see our baby on the screen when he's the size of a sweet pea?

I have said before that way back in the fall, I chose Isaiah 66:14 as the verse that would be the cornerstone of any pregnancy and/or baby we would be blessed with and/or any conclusion we might make to be okay with living child free. Every day I would look at it, posted on my computer, and I'd say it to myself. And let's be honest, there were days when I finished repeating it where my next thought was, "Oh sure, like that is ever going to happen."

I always had a hard time figuring out which Scripture was supposed to be speaking to me about the direction our infertility would take, or what would happen during that particular cycle, or how much I could be sure that God would remember our hearts which ached to be parents. Many times, I interpreted verses so literally and ended up feeling wounded and abandoned. (Hello, "He will give you the desires of your heart", etc.!!) Of course the better way to have read them may have been with a more open perspective, but that was nearly impossible when everyone else around me was claiming that they have just discovered- through Scripture- the exact plan for their life. Why couldn't Scripture tell me the same thing?

So it wasn't surprising to me that, in retrospect, I chose a verse that could be sort of vague, but still literally encouraging and optimistic that we would eventually be happy someday. It didn't relate directly to having children, in case that wasn't in the plan for us, but it still comforted me that we would be alright. Here were my thoughts at the time:

You shall see

Some day, I would understand God's plan for us and any family we'd be blessed with- even though I certainly couldn't see any sort of happy plan, i.e. including children, at that point.

Your heart shall rejoice

God would give me peace and happiness someday, in the fulfillment of His plan for our family. Maybe it wouldn't be rejoicing over things I'd imagined (like I said, in December, we were so convinced that we would probably never have kids, we honestly talked about starting a scholarship fund for a local high school student, and we even began to feel excited about that!), but someday, my heart would be light instead of heavy.

Your body shall flourish like the grass

I would be healthy. I felt confident that by changing our eating habits to nonprocessed/natural/organic, we had already made great strides in living the healthiest we could, and I felt sure that when we finally understood God's plan for our family, it would implicitly give us another boost towards healthiness. I knew we would thrive in that situation.

And it shall be known that the hand of the Lord is with His servants

Even though it was apparent that my plan for our family did not match God's plan, I just wanted to make sure that whatever path our lives took, we were sure to always attribute our blessings and fortunes to God's provision and love for us. Even if He never blessed us with children, I knew that however we impacted the lives of others around us would be in an effort to demonstrate that God brings good out of bad situations.

As you can (hopefully) see, I tried my darndest when taking this verse to heart to really think outside the infertility box. Every fiber of myself wanted to interpret it literally, though, and there were days when I let myself dream...

You shall see (two pink lines)
Your heart shall rejoice (we have a baby!!!)
Your body shall flourish like the grass (everything will be great and healthy!!)
And it shall be known that the hand of the Lord is with His servants (God finally blessed us in His time!!)

And after all of the times when I felt so burned by letting my heart run away with Scripture, here I sit, preparing to see our baby again tomorrow morning. Here I sit, feeling like I can finally claim that God really did put His plan for our family in my heart, even though I didn't know it at the time.

I so appreciate all of your prayers for our little one, and please know that I am hoping that somehow God will encourage those of you who are waiting that He has not forgotten you. I am praying for all of you who are carrying little ones after a long struggle with infertility that God will encourage you to remain confident that He has a plan for your baby. And I am praying for all of you whose children are running around in your homes that God will encourage you to stay strong in the hard moments of motherhood and to relish the happy moments.

This is really me, folks. Less than 24 hours till we see our little one again. Praying my heart out that he/she is healthy and happy!!

Cold, etc.

2011-05-17T12:09:00.004-04:00

Along with some great memories, I came back from spending the weekend celebrating my little brother's graduation with a stubborn cold, too.

I am never sick, and since it didn't start until I got to his state, I thought at first maybe it was allergies to something in the air there, but when my symptoms hung around well after we got home, I guess I picked a dumb cold up somewhere.

I went out and got my mom's solution to colds when we were younger: ingredients for a cocktail!! A sick-child cocktail, that is....Orange/grapefruit juice plus sprite/ginger ale. The ultimate placebo.

I also got CVS' version of Tylenol Cold, because apparently Tylenol had some big recall recently, and I went to two stores trying to find it with only empty shelves before I asked a pharmacist for an expanation. And my midwife said the CVS version was okay. I think I might have been the only one ever to call and ask if the generic version was fine to take.

I didn't really want to take any medicine, but I don't want this to balloon into anything worse than a runny nose and occasional cough. And plus, when I woke up this morning and dug out my thermometer from my temping days, it showed 99.2 at 630am, so I definitely don't want the fever to get out of control. (It was 99.6 at about 830am, but has gone back down to between 98.6 and 98.8 since then...)

After getting Mr. A off to work, I have been sleeping on the couch with Banana and Bert. Like literally, except for 15 second intervals of going to the bathroom or blowing my nose or taking a drink of my cocktail, I slept from 730am till about noon. It was even raining to complete the cozy ambiance.

And I know that chocolate frosted mini-donuts and OJ/sprite cocktail isn't exactly a balanced diet, but it is going to have to do for now. Maybe I'll cut up some carrots later this afternoon... Mr. A goes "why don't you make some chicken noodle soup?". Haha :) Oh yah, I totally feel like standing up in the kitchen to put that together....My thought is "Why don't you pick us up some chicken noodle soup for dinner from the deli?" Hahaha :)

But I think Bert has had his fill of sleeping the day away because in the last 10 minutes, he has brought me every one of his toys, as if to say, please play with me!! Hopefully he will accept me playing from the couch...

In the "etc" portion of this post, some (baby) bullets:

Mr. A recently told me (without me asking first) that my maternity clothes are "hot" and that my little bump is so cute. SWOON.
Thank you for the comments on my post wondering what you want to read about!!
I added some belly pics to the ultrasound/belly link to the right -->
I had never really thought about turning this blog into a book for our baby. That is a really neat idea.
I think I am feeling the baby about once a day! It is so cool, and I am so grateful for this little one.
We have an ultrasound on Friday morning- praying our hearts out that this baby looks completely healthy!!!

little bro

2011-05-13T14:08:00.001-04:00

Congrats to my "little" brother who graduates from college today! So glad to be with him to celebrate!

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What would you like?

2011-05-11T14:30:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if my readership was gone way down lately, or if people just don't have the time to comment. I totally understand if people are just reading, and I totally understand if just coming here and seeing my ticker is too much for some of you who are still waiting for your miracle, but I hope it's not because of anything I've said that would make it appear that we in anyway take this little one for granted.

It is hard to be a PAIF (pregnant/cy after infertility) blogger. As I read through my posts over the last 4 months, I think that I've blogged about the pregnancy itself considerably less than some PAIF'ers. Which is totally their prerogative (and mine), but to be very honest, most days all I can think about this baby is just total gratitude and admiration and awe that he/she is squirming around in there. And while I hope you never doubt for a minute that we are so thankful for this child, I imagine posts about that every day may be a tad redundant. And I am definitely not going to complain about any discomforts- any that I have felt PALE in comparison to the happiness that fills me up and overflows when I pray for this baby.

So as I read through what I've written, while in general there have been many posts which are pregnancy-related, but I feel like my reflections have been pretty general and on varying different topics.

But is there anything you would like me to write about? Would you like more pregnancy-specific posts? More grateful posts, even if they repeat the same theme? More reflections on our journey to get here? More gardening or food or dog stories? What would you love to come here and read about?

Bloggers don't write just for the approval of their readers, but of course it is nice when we identify with each other through our posts. And while I know that if you are still waiting for your little one, you are not going to identify with a post about maternity clothes or something, but I hope you will remember that I was in your shoes for a long time, and I will never forget what it's like.

Different than I expected

2011-05-08T20:08:00.004-04:00

It's no secret that today is Mother's Day. There have been many great posts by my fellow bloggies, and I echo all of their sentiments.

Today was different than I expected. I remembered Mother's Day church services as very much focusing on moms and very centered around recounting all the ways and reasons that they deserve special recognition (which, no argument from me, many moms do). I sat in the congregation and felt so alone...so unrecognized. It seemed like all the prayers, all the preaching, and all the announcements were relevant to everyone except me. I wondered how on earth could a place like a church be so alienating when it is supposed to be safe and loving to all?

This morning as I put on a new dress, I wondered what it would be like to experience all of those things again, but this time while I was carrying our baby. Sort of like MercyMe's song "I Can Only Imagine", I wasn't sure how I would react- would I just bask in the joy? Would I be so overcome with emotion that I wouldn't be able to stand?

The service started- I waited for the opening prayer to mention moms- never did. The pastor reflected on the Sciptures- I waited for his tie-in to Mother's Day- never came. We got to take part in the service this morning (unexpected), and right before it was our part, prayers were lifted for the congregation by a reader. I waited for the throng of prayers about mothers and children and families- never mentioned. The prayers concluded, but then the pastor added one more- for mothers. I teared up as Mr. A gave me a quick squeeze, and I thought for sure I would look a mess when we would be in front of everyone. At the very end of the service, when we were all sitting, the pastor encouraged a round of applause for the mothers in the congregation, but he didn't have anyone stand.

I was admittedly very surprised at the lack of focus on mothers at church today. Was it possible that my infertile perspective skewed how it had been handled before? I know that the struggle to have a baby deeply affects how we view the world, but maybe I had made it to be worse than it was?

No. I know there were years of roses for moms, and standing for moms, and prayers for moms, and praises for moms. And many moms rightly deserve such honor. But I was never a mom.

And so while this year I could have held my head up high and been included in those parts of the service, it felt like justice for my infertile soul that the entire service wasn't dripping with motherhood comments. I don't know how many or even if there is anyone in our congregation struggling with infertility, but I know without a doubt that they appreciated the low-key approach, and that even if tears fell during the prayer for moms or the clapping at the end, the entire rest of the service was focused on the HOPE that is in Jesus, with nary a mention of motherhood. Heck, I appreciated the low-key approach, retroactively, as if I was still sitting there apart from the crowd.

Mother's Day is hard for so many people for so many reasons. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mom. Not everyone has a good relationship with their kids. Not everyone can be with their mom for brunch, or is even in the same country as their mom. Not everyone still has their children to receive a card from, or their moms to send a card to. And finally, with the obvious, not everyone is a mom.

I am hoping that our pastor made the decision to go easy on the Mother's Day hysteria in deference and sensitivity to those for whom today is not a happy celebration. I plan on letting him know how much I enjoyed the service this morning, and how much I appreciate how he has led our congregation.

I pray that if you are still waiting for your little one that today was graced by the sensitivity of loved ones in your life. I pray that those of us with little ones in our bellies will be blessed with healthy pregnancies and healthy little ones to fill our day next year. I pray that my friends who are already moms will continue to be thankful for the opportunity to raise a child.

Last year, I wrote this on Mother's Day:

It's such a hard day for those of us waiting,
but what makes it easier is that we know
that so many of you who have overcome infertility are praying for us!!

I may be pregnant today, but I have not forgotten what it felt like to be waiting. Be assured that on this day which seems to laugh in the face of infertility, that I am praying for all of you who are longing to overcome it. (HUG)

Food on Friday

2011-05-06T09:31:00.002-04:00

Today's recipe is adapted from this cookbook!

We had some brown bananas sitting on the counter the other day, and I knew that I needed to do something with them or else we'd be hosting a colony of fruit flies soon. I didn't want to eat three bananas in one day, so I decided to make bread with them! Can you believe that Mr. A hates bananas but really loves banana bread? Haha :)

1 3/4 cups flour
3 Tbs brown sugar
2 1/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup chopped walnuts
1 egg
3 very ripe bananas, mashed up
1/4 cup milk

Preheat oven to 350F, and spray/grease a bread pan. Mix dry ingredients together (including nuts) in a medium bowl. In another bowl, beat the egg, and add the mashed bananas and milk. Pour the egg mixture into the dry ingredient bowl and mix until blended.

Transfer dough to the pan, and bake for about an hour, until a toothpick comes out clean from the center.

Enjoy!!!

Yoga Class

2011-05-04T07:29:00.000-04:00

{I just wanted to note that I hope my post yesterday didn't come off as complaining to complain or being (w)itchy for no reason. The two issues I have concerns with are objective: they bought a dog whose breed is known to not be good with kids, and they are not supportive of our spiritual habits. I think any mom would have concerns about either of those things. I hope that it isn't lost on my readers that we are eternally grateful for this child, and if anything, the fact that he/she is coming into this world has made Mr. A and I very aware of the environment in which we want our child(ren) raised, so we are more sensitive to those types of things now.)

Yesterday, I accomplished one of my 2011 goals. I went to a (prenatal) yoga class!!

It was small- only two other girls and me. One girl was 28ish weeks, and the other one was 18 just like me.

I am very glad I went, and I am planning on continuing to take this class! I have been doing my prenatal yoga DVD each morning, but I think the class was great because there is a teacher right there who can help you deepen or correct poses as you are in them. Plus it gets me out of the house and hopefully I can make some new friendships.

The two big differences were that we did some more arm strengthening (I guess your arm/shoulder muscles shorten during pregnancy and you want them to be strong for labor and for carrying baby afterwards), and we did two types of squats. We held the squats for TWO WHOLE MINUTES, and the squat against the wall (your back is to the wall) nearly killed me. I am good at the one where you squat all the way down to the floor (those are in my prenatal dvd practice), but I couldn't hold the one against the wall the whole time.

Must practice more of those- squatting is a great position for during labor. And two minutes is sometimes the length of time your contractions are going to be, so you need to be able to breathe and relax right through them. Must practice more!!

But I totally recommend yoga. Before pregnancy and during pregnancy, and I'm sure I will recommend it after pregnancy. I have had nothing but great experiences with it so far! Try it and see how you like it!!

in-laws (v. 3.0-3.9)

2011-05-03T07:15:00.000-04:00

If you missed the first two installments, you can find them here and here.

Here is the latest scoop/complaint/issue. (Two things, actually.)

Number One: They got a puppy

Now, objectively we have no problem with this. We love dogs, and our two pups are very precious to us, and I think it is great when people get dogs. Here are our specific problems with their decision:

#1: They bought this puppy online from a breeder in Idaho at 2 months old. The puppy had to be SHIPPED to them on the East Coast.
#2: It is a border collie.

Number one, both our dogs are rescue/SPCA dogs. We got the privilege of bringing them home because someone else didn't want them. They were both house trained, and you can just tell that they are so grateful to have a warm home and a loving family to be a part of. Nothing against people who still buy their dogs, but I think before you buy a dog from a breeder, you should check out your SPCA/shelter to see who is there longing to be a part of your family. In-laws did not do this. Instead they bought a puppy over the internet and had him shipped. It just makes our stomach turn.

Number two, you should read wik.ipedia's entry on border collies before you read the rest of my rant. Did you catch this part:

One of the prime reasons for getting rid of a border collie is their unsuitability for families with small children, cats, and other dogs, due to their intense desire to herd, bred into them for hundreds of years and still one of their chief uses outside the household.

Okay. Now, they do not have small children or other dogs. But guess who does? WE DO (or will, anyway). They have just willingly purchased a dog who is widely known to NOT be good with children and other dogs. We are beside ourselves with disappointment. How will we ever relax during a visit with them again? Their previous (mean, unexercised, unsocialized) dog bit Banana on our first visit that we had her, and things were never the same. Now that dog has passed away (due to complications of arthritis thanks to no exercise and overfeeding), and they have just bought a dog who is known to be destructive and aggressive if its extreme herding/mental and physical exercise needs are not met. Dare I mention they live in a metropolitan area with a 0.3 acre chain link fenced yard? AND that they both work 11 hours a day? AND that the reason that MIL supposedly wasn't responding excitedly to baby emails is that she is too tired from working during the day?!?! How on earth does she think she will have enough energy to raise a puppy when she can't even muster a 45 second email to us? This dog is not going to be outside being worked or herding for hours a day like they are BRED to do. It is going to be sitting in a crate all day going crazy, getting ready to go beserk on our baby or our dogs because it has too much pent-up energy.

Luckily, Mr. A is just as upset as I am, so that makes me feel a little "better", in that he doesn't think I'm overreacting this time.

Ugh.

(I should also note that I know they are very smart dogs, and a friend's mom has raised them for years very successfully. But she is a stay at home wife, and she works them 3 hours a day outside on chores (on their 15 acre property with its 2 acre pond), and 1 hour a day inside on obedience. She also competes with them in agility contests. There is just no way that my inlaws are going to be able to offer this much time/training to their dog.)

Number Two: They want us to come visit this weekend, i.e. Mother's Day

Now on any other weekend, I would have no problem with visiting them, especially because we want to socialize their puppy with our dogs as soon as possible. But here is the thing:

It's Mother's Day on Sunday. For the last 3 years, I have sat in church and cried when they ask the moms to stand and go on and on about what an honor and gift it is to be a mom (it is), and how worthy a vocation (it is), and what more could a woman ever aspire to be (many things, especially if you don't have a choice)? This year, while our child is not on the outside, I am a mom. I don't have to cry anymore or feel like I am worth less than the women who stand, surrounded by their children.

But they don't go to church. Ever since we have started trying to conceive, I have dreamed of the day Mother's Day Sunday when I wouldn't have a heavy heart. And if we visit them for the weekend, we will not make it to church.

I really hesitate to make a big issue about it, lest I/we seem like a prude or a "holier-than-thou" person. I really do not look down on people who don't go to church regularly- confession, I was there at one point, too. It is not that I think I'm better than anyone- it has just become part of my week that I really cherish. And especially this Sunday, it is what I have been dreaming about for years.

Our options seem to be-
*Drive up to and back from their house in one day (Saturday). This would leave us probably 4 hours of time hanging out with them and my two BIL's. We would also miss the "Mother's Day Brunch" they suggested we make at their house on Sunday morning. The "con" is that it is a long day to drive up an back the same day, but the "pro" is that if the dogs don't get along, we don't have to endure any more time of it, and that we'd be able to go to our home church on Sunday.

*Stay overnight and find a church with a very early service and go before brunch. The "con" of this option would be that we'd have to leave our dogs in the small bedroom where we stay, and I'm not sure they would appreciate that. (Because of the new puppy, we just don't trust them to be roaming on their own in the rest of their house without us there. Not that we don't trust our dogs per se, we don't really trust his parents' to keep an eye on how the three dogs are interacting.) The other "con" is that they would probably crack some jokes about our going to church (don't really appreciate them looking at this habit condescendingly).

*Stay overnight and skip church. Of course the "con" is that it would be contrary to my dream come true to go to church as a mom on Mother's Day, but the "pro" is some brownie points in family politics, and of course I think it is inherently nice that we'd be with his mom and the rest of their family on Mother's Day.

I really don't want to make an issue out of it with them, and so this morning when I woke up, I thought maybe we should just go with option #3. But......

I wonder how many versions of these in-law posts there will be!!!

Celebration

2011-05-02T08:22:00.002-04:00

Please join me in celebrating TeeJay's BFP and praying her betas look great and this baby is here to stay!!!

Myth: IVF Always Works

2011-04-29T07:48:00.000-04:00

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am choosing to address the myth that "all" infertile couples have to do is IVF and that it is a sure solution to their childlessness.

If you aren't familiar with our story, last March/April we went through a cancelled IVF cycle, and in April/May, we went through an IVF cycle but lost our one embryo.

So, long story short, IVF does not always work. Myth busted.

And as a result, it really bugs me when people who are uneducated about the IVF process go around perpetuating the myth that IVF itself is a sure-fire way to make babies and that it is an easy no-risk solution to getting a baby (and, on the flip side, that people who don't choose to do IVF have a harder time dealing with infertility).

Let's start with the first sub-myth, that IVF itself makes the babies and so if you do IVF, you will definitely have a baby. Here is what normal America fails to realize: there are some pretty smart people in charge of the eggs and sperm in the IVF lab, but news flash, they are not GOD, who is the creator of all things. Those doctors can mix your eggs and his sperm, but they cannot FORCE fertilization. Those doctors can even inject the sperm into the egg, but they still cannot FORCE fertilization. There is nothing they can do to "make" embryos and certainly nothing they can do to cause the embryos to grow and divide. Because that is up to God, whom they are not. (Even if you think for the amount you are paying for a given cycle, they should be.) And that is the reason why IVF is not a sure thing: as much as science would love to claim that IT can make babies, that is up to God, who cannot be put in a box or scrunched into a statistic. He has a plan for each of us, and that plan does not guarantee each couple, who pin their hopes and dreams on IVF, a precious child from that treatment. Of course He allows many beautiful children to come into the world through that avenue, but it will not be that way for everyone. It is the same concept that chemotherapy does not cure everyone's cancer. Science would like to say that the chances of recovery are good, but they are not guaranteed.

But because everyone thinks IVF is a sure science thing, that leads them to think that IVF is an easy option to elect. And some go so far as to say that if you choose NOT to try IVF, your cross of infertility is heavier than someone's who has tried IVF.

*shudders*

I challenge people who perpetuate these sub-myths to educate themselves before blurting out such nonsense, and maybe do a survey of IVF veterans. I guarantee them that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF (even if theirs worked) will say that it was easy. I guarantee that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF will say that the think their infertility journey would have been harder than if they hadn't tried IVF.

There is NOTHING easy about IVF. It is not easy to clear off enough space on your dining room table for the meds, syringes, sharp boxes, and alcohol pads you will go through during your cycle. It is not easy to explain to your boss why you have to randomly leave work at weird times every other day or come in late sometimes. It is not easy to schedule your activities on your injection times. It is not easy to schlep yourself to ultrasounds and bloodwork nearly every day to check on your progress, even if your progress is good. It is not easy to write a check for an amount that would nearly buy you a small car (because chances are your insurance won't cover IVF, even though it will cover plastic surgery) and hand it to someone who can't guarantee that your money will have anything to show for it (see above). It is not easy to cry on your husband's shoulder when you worry that all of the meds, appointments, sacrifices, and treatments will be for nothing. It is not easy when you wake up from egg retrieval and have to brace yourself for how many eggs the doctor found. It is not easy to be at home, wondering if any eggs have fertilized and longing for them to be healthy. It is not easy to see your RE's name pop up on the caller ID the next day and tell you how many embryos are growing (even if there are several). It is not easy to know that after your embryo has been transferred back within you that there is nothing else you can do to help this little one find a spot to snuggle in and continue to grow. It is not easy to know in your head that all your symptoms could be from the medications but want to believe in your heart that they are because the embryo has implanted. It is not easy to sleep the night before your beta. It is not easy to see some spotting and convince yourself that it is implantation, while you know it likely is not. And it is not easy to see that the nurse is calling to tell you the results of your beta blood test (especially, in my experience, when the result is negative).

Even if a person's first IVF is wildly successful and they give birth to a healthy baby (or more) 9 months later, I guarantee the rest of the planet that their journey was not easy. The emotional cost of IVF is just as much, if not more, than the dollar cost. They still worried and dealt with insecurity and anxiety and uncertainty. There is no way you can go through that process and come out on the other side (positive or negative) and look back and conclude that it was an easy time, as if it was like getting a haircut.

Because everyone who gets close enough to really learn about IVF knows that there is no guarantee that there will be a healthy baby at the end of the IVF road. And that in itself makes it an incredible difficult path to take.

Which leads me to my final sub-myth: that people who choose not to try IVF have a harder time shouldering infertility than those who do try it. Any way you slice it, infertility is a journey in the dark. We are all in the blackest of pits, clamoring for a handhold that we can grab to hoist ourselves into the light. The infertility pit is equal-opportunity. It does not distinguish those who are pursuing modern treatments from those who aren't. We are side by side, and we are all reaching up into the unknown, trying to find our way. It pains me to hear this sub-myth because all of us in the pit SHOULD be hoping that we all get out eventually, no matter which handhold we find. One person should not be pointing to the handhold they are eyeing and tell everyone else that that particular handhold is better than the ones everyone else is reaching for. God has placed a different and unique handhold for everyone, and none is better than another.

Because nothing on Earth can ever guarantee us a child. IVF does not always work, no matter what people think. IVF is not the easy way out, nor does it make the infertility journey any less thorny.

What does always work is believing that God has a plan and will redeem your infertility struggle. I am living proof of that truth!

Of course to find out more about infertility you can go here, and my thanks to RESOLVE for sponsoring this week dedicated to increasing exposure and education about infertility.

Fly By

2011-04-28T08:17:00.002-04:00

Hi bloggie buddies :) I have missed you this week, but my sister is here visiting, and I haven't had time or energy to compose a legitimate post! And I want to make my NIAW post a good one :) Sis is leaving this morning, so stay tuned tomorrow for my entry to the week's festivities :)

Praying for all of you who are stimming and those of you waiting patiently (as much as possible) in the 2ww (HUG).

Food on Friday

2011-04-22T09:54:00.005-04:00

Today's topic is protein.

We had a checkup this morning, and baby sounds healthy and uterus is where it should be. We are so thankful for this baby!! According to the scale, I have lost 2 pounds in the last 4 weeks! What?! It was a different scale than the first two times, so I'm not sure how much that plays into it, but I am just glad I didn't gain a ton. My appetite has not really ramped up to where I have/want to eat constantly, and what I eat is pretty healthy (I'm not craving double cheeseburgers or anything), so I guess I shouldn't be that worried, but it is so odd that I have a little baby belly and didn't gain any weight. I have now met all three midwives, and I like two of them better than the one, but I feel like they are all very competent and supportive and encouraging, and I would feel in good care if any of them were with me when this little one arrives.

The one "thing of note" is that my blood pressure went from 124/72 (normalish for me) to 130/80. The girl who took it was really fast, and she didn't have me roll up my sleeve, so I'm not sure if there would be any error because of that...and they are not necessarily saying it's a problem, but that they will just keep an eye on it since it went up.

But they said to help keep blood pressure in check, eat lots of protein (70g per day while pregnant?!) and drink lots of water. I am already drinking 64oz per day (I fill up my nalgene bottle twice a day), and I honestly don't know how I could drink much more!!! But I will try. And as far as protein, I probably don't get 70 grams on a daily basis. I definitely get some, but probably more like 30-40 grams depending on what we have for dinner. So I definitely will try to keep better track of that and up my protein intake.

How do you make sure you have enough protein? Happy Friday!!

High and Low

2011-04-21T09:31:00.004-04:00

I'll start with the low: my grandma (the precious, small, cute, (fragile) kind) has not been feeling well and had surgery yesterday wherein they found a cancerous tumor in her colon/intestine. Four (including my dad) out of the five of her kids do not want to pursue chemo, as she is 86 and is fragile anyway, and chemo is tough on swarthy 60 year old's. While I tend to agree, I can't imagine how hard it would be to just not try to help her get better. My mom's family had to deal with this last year after my grandpa's diagnosis of mesothelioma. Praying our baby will bring a much needed ray of life to our families who have had quite a rough last 12 months of losing loved ones and sick loved ones. Prayers for my grandma and everyone who loves her are much appreciated :)

And I'll end with the high: Yesterday Carlia honored me for her Wednesday series "Hero Humpday"! I was very humbled to have been nominated, and I continue to hope that our journey inspires each of you to keep on keepin' on as you long to fill your home with a little one. There are definitely humps to get over, and I am just glad to be a part of this community which encourages each of us to tackle the hump and continue to put one foot in front of the other!!

Attack of the Nachos (UPDATED!)

2011-04-20T07:22:00.005-04:00

You never thought nachos were the predator-type, did you? You just think they are a tasty pile of chips and toppings.

Well, apparently they do have a mean streak and had it out for a chunk of one of my MOLARS. Yes, you are correct. After finishing dinner last night, I felt something rough "in" my tooth, so I went about trying to free it, and when I couldn't and looked in the mirror for help, I saw that some of my tooth was gone!

WHAT???

I guess a benign way of putting it is that I "chipped a tooth" which sounds way more playful and normal than "my tooth broke" or "a chunk of my molar fell off" which sounds like it only happens to people of backwoods status. (I say that with a glut of hilarity, as we totally live in the middle of nowhere farm country!!)

I called my dentist this morning just to see when they opened, and what do you know, the dentist himself answered the phone at 7am. I told him I don't want novocaine or xrays on the account of being pregnant, and he seemed totally agreeable to that and suggested I come in at 10am today and they will see what they can do. (It doesn't hurt, luckily, so I am not feeling any huge rush, but I know it is important that it's looked at.)

This is the dentist we went to at the end of November whose nurse said that kids would come soon enough. Maybe she should get in the business of fortune telling....

UPDATE! Guess what, it was just an old filling that fell out!! WHEWWWWWW!!! Cue major sigh of relief. He said there is no decay so he put some sealant on top, and said it will be fine for now, but eventually I might have to get a crown for it. I'll take it! I was in and out of his office in 20 minutes. Love this dentist!!! Thank you for all your support!

Spring Gardening

2011-04-18T11:08:00.003-04:00

Time for some spring gardening! I would post pictures, but I can't find our camera cord :( They sell HDM.I to U.SB cords at Rad.io Sh.ack, don't they?

I am all of a sudden really concerned about the state of the flower and vegetable beds. Yesterday after church I worked a couple hours of overtime, and then, at 430pm, I decided I needed to go buy a blueberry bush. And also that we needed to make a trellis for our blackberry bush and also some of the raspberry bush could use some staking up. Clearly all of these things were critical to accomplish last night ;-)

And even though I am sure he thought I was crazy, and I know he thought I was being fussy (he may have told me so, haha), Mr. A dutifully went to the hardware store and got some materials for the trellis while I went to pick out our new fruit bush.

So after we walked the dogs, he put up a trellis so that all the blackberry bush "arms" are off the ground and planted/mulched the blueberry bush and staked up the errant raspberry stalks.

What a man. (Except I should note that I thought making a trellis was way more complicated/man-necessary than it actually was. I thought it involved digging post holes or something. I am way more the gardener than Mr. A, so if I knew it was as "easy" as it was, I could have done it myself!)

In case you haven't figured out, we love our fruit bushes!!!

And this morning, I planted a beautiful royal blue new perennial in the bed next to our front door and two more black eyed susans next to our pool pump, which has every year succumbed to the worst weed invasion I have ever seen. Black eyed susans are notorious for being aggressive growers, and I am hoping they win the weed battle this year.

Also this morning I transplanted 5 raspberry stalks- that were growing a tad too close to the air conditioner unit- to their new home next to where we plant pumpkins and cantelopes in the summer. I hope they like it there!

ALSO this morning I planted a row each of sugar snap peas, bibb lettuce, and spinach in our veggie garden.

I have some more things on my list of spring gardening, and I'm hoping that if I do a few small tasks each day, our flowers will take care of themselves this summer and that next year's spring is really beautiful when they come up again (I only do perennials- no use in buying new flowers every year!)!! Next on the list is a trip to the Farmer's Market on Saturday to see what kind of veggie plants they have!!

lazy saturday

2011-04-16T10:05:00.003-04:00

it is pouring outside. we made a big breakfast of pancakes and bacon, and now mr. a is out doing some errands. i am curled up on the couch with my pups doing some web surfing. the kitchen is strewn with an open bag of pancake mix, an empty coffee carafe, a dirty griddle and geor.ge fo.reman (where we cook our bacon), and there is a myriad of bowls and measuring cups in the sink. i just got up to clean everything up and get started on the laundry and some general cleaning.

but i had to sit back down; it is so cozy on the couch. i could take a nap in 45 seconds....

anyone want to clean my house today? i promise you can stay for dinner (i'm planning on making a pizza- homemade dough is already thawing...)..

2 years old

2011-04-14T09:18:00.001-04:00

Today, this little corner of the web is turning two years old!

It is hard to believe that I have been writing "that long" and also how different our journey has been compared to what I thought it would be in my first post.

And as I said last year on this occasion, I have grown alot on this journey. We have prayerfully considered each step we took and only moved forward when we felt like it was the right thing for us. Compared to my opinions in April 2009, many of our steps (IUI, IVF) were ones I never thought we'd consider, much less try multiple times each. But that is what infertility does to you- it makes you step out in faith that God is going to lead you. You might be going in a direction you never thought you would, and that is okay. That is why we pride ourselves on being resilient and passionate and educated and strong. That is why we can, at the same time, handle being broken and sad and weary and alone.

The last sentence of last year's post is "Time to dream big!!". We'd just had our first IVF cycle cancelled, and I somehow had the gall to say that in April 2011 I'd like to be shopping for baby outfits. Little did I know that God would bless us with one embryo in our next IVF cycle, but that that embryo would not stay with us.

I think last April I was only dreaming big about what I could see in that near future. A new shot at IVF. I had no idea how big the dream was that God was going to fulfill. Because really, after you have an IVF cycle cancelled or failed, you pretty tell yourself that you are screwed as far as natural conception. You just paid a team of highly-educated people an extraordinary amount of money to undertake extremely technical steps so that your chance of becoming pregnant is twice what the normal person's would be. And while I believe that GOD is the one who allows embryos to be CREATED and allows those embryos to GROW, if your $15k payment to modern science doesn't bring you two pink lines, your hope level just took a plunge.

I could have never dreamed last April that, after deciding two months later to forego any more medication or treatments and just focus on eating organic/healthy and taking a holistic approach to improving natural fertility, we would conceive a baby on our own in early 2011.

God's plan for our family was bigger than what I could have dreamed. And when everyone used to tell me that, I would sort of brush it off- did they know what a great imagination I had and how long I'd been cooking up my perfect vision of how our family would grow? I had some pretty amazing dreams.

So I know you have a great imagination, but trust me, how God expands your family will blow you away. Let Him work good from whatever bad is trying to eat at your heart today.

So while I'm not shopping for spring outfits for our baby as I so boldly predicted I'd be, I am shopping for spring outfits in the maternity section. I really can't believe it some days, but those days I feel God saying to me, "Believe it, sister!". ;-)

So here is my message for this blogoversary: BELIEVE IT. God's plan for your family might not be exactly how you thought it would be, but BELIEVE that it is going to be awesome!!

Pregnancy after Infertility: Motto

2011-04-12T10:06:00.003-04:00

(Thanks for the feedback yesterday :) My in-law's are generally very nice and we get along pretty well, but I am learning as I "grow up" that I definitely have some differences from them, and the biggest thing I do not appreciate is their being passive aggressive about many things. I guess it is just something I need to accept and start figuring out how I can relate the best possible way!)

Yesterday, I received a new issue of one of my favorite magazines. In one of the first ad pages, there is a two-page spread for a car whose brand has been through the ringer. And while I don't care so much about the car or the revitalization of the brand, the whole first page's bold all-caps words struck me in a big way:

"WHEN YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL,
YOU TEND TO APPRECIATE HEAVEN."

And that, my friends, is the pregnancy (and parenting!) after infertility (PAI) motto.

Sure, other (fertile) people enjoy heaven (pregnancy), too. But they don't know what hell is like. They have not grovelled and cried until they have no more tears and despaired at their seemingly lifelong sentence of sadness. They have not seen all their friends go cruising up to heaven while they are confined in loneliness. They just decide one day, hey, I'd like to go to heaven, and on up they go. And when they get there and there is one less rainbow than they expected, they get all frustrated and take it up with the management.

But not infertiles who are blessed with a baby. From the moment you start to leave hell, you are all of a sudden scared. You have gotten used to hell: you have steeled yourself against disappointment, you have learned to expect the worst, and you have lost all hope except for the tiny seed of it that continues to somehow hold on in your heart. As you start towards heaven, you look back at all the friends you've made there, friends who understand what it's like to melt into a pool of tears and friends who have lent their shoulder for you to lean on when it takes too much to stand. You totally wish you could grab them all up in your arms and bring them with you, as you don't want them to suffer anymore either.

You get to heaven, and it is unimaginable. You had always dreamed of heaven, and now that you are there, you can hardly believe it. You pray constantly that you will be able to stay in heaven, because while you were at first scared to leave hell, now you are scared to return there. You see all the beauty, all the awesome things there, and because you spent so much time in the muck, these things are just amazingly healing for your soul. But you notice that some people in heaven think the rainbows should be brighter, the clouds should be cushier, and the flowers more plentiful. You can't understand how they could possibly complain about heaven, and because of that, you can never quite bond with them like they seem to bond with each other. Each day in heaven is so precious to you, and you can never stop being thankful, so grateful for the opportunity to appreciate this beautiful place in such a deep way.

To my friends who are still in hell, know that I am praying for you and longing for you to join me (HUG)