Starting anew

Yesterday afternoon and early evening, there were more than several tears.

Which reminds me, my apologies for the run of somber-sounding posts lately! I am surprising myself for sure. I can't wait to feel like the normal me again.

I had decided early in the day yesterday that I was going to make some serious comfort food dinner... chicken & dumplings and fresh wheat bread. When the dumplings ended up being on the mushy-looking side, I couldn't hold back the crying any longer. Not only can I not make a baby, I can also not make a stinkin dumpling!!! So when Mr. A called to say he was on his way home, I sobbingly suggested that maybe he should go to his friend's place for dinner since our dinner was crap.

I don't know about your husband, but Mr. A does not respond so well to crying. He is a fix-it kind of guy, and he sees crying as something to be remedied, so (bless his heart) his first reaction is to tell me to just calm down. Which, in my bleary head, seems a little kurt. As if the problem is that he's hungry, and he's telling me to make him a sandwich to fix the problem.

But I know that he doesn't mean any harm or distress. He is just trying to fix his teary-eyed wife.

Which is not always the easiest do-it-yourself project.

I am just thankful that in our marriage, we can cut the crap and have an honest, compassionate, and gentle discussion about how x behavior makes us feel and why y behavior might be more well-received. I was not responding positively when he was trying to reassure me that things will be alright (apparently, a few less tears is not a positive enough response...haha!), and he didn't really get that telling me to just calm down was not exactly comforting.

His best line of the night? "I'd be completely happy if I had just you for the rest of my life."

Swoon.

I mean, we obviously long for children alot. But I feel the same way about him. I was making a "worst scenario list", and the worst case scenario I can think of is that the ivf doesn't work, and we go through a failed adoption. But how can I say that a lifetime with my awesome hubby to myself is the worst case scenario?!

And that being that, and after one of those to-die-for hugs, I received an affectionate slap to the rear-end as I finished up the dishes.

God, thank You for my husband. I am truly blessed.

...

I was "spotting" maroon by 8pm, so I didn't take my nightly progesterone supposit. I'm going to call my nurse this morning and see when our ivf consult is going to be. They usually start meds on cd21 of the cycle prior to the retrieval, etc. If I am figuring correctly, ER could take place on April 1. How appropriate!

We have had 3 new starts in the last year- clomid, then injectables, then iui.

Time for another new start.

Here's hoping and praying that starting over is a thing of the past.