Detached from IF?

Lately I've been feeling somewhat detached from IF, in good ways and bad.

I used to love taking people off my praying for a baby list and adding them to my baby bump/parent list, because I would be moving on like them someday, too. But lately I look at all those blessed women and just sigh with heavy apathy that we have nothing in common. Like I can't even identify with what they post about now. And maybe it's my fault because I haven't been a commenting wizard on their posts, but it feels like they don't have anything in common anymore with me, either.

In some ways, I count this (that I don't feel the need to vicariously live through moms and incessantly dream of when I will be in their shoes- that I have accepted that that is not my life) as a good thing because to me it indicates that pregnancy/motherhood is not occupying my life anymore. My life is full with a great husband, awesome dogs, wonderful sisters and brother, and many other blessings.

But in alot of other ways, I count it is a bad/sad thing. Because it means that I still have not gotten it through my thick head (raise your hand if your mom used that phrase when you were a teenager!) to truly get over what I don't have and embrace feet-first the joys that everyone else is experiencing. I mean, if I could do this, I wouldn't feel so left out by people who have babies anymore than I feel left out by people who have black Range R.overs (my dream car). Because, let's face it, it feels like we are just as likely to become pregnant with a healthy baby as to have a Ran.ge Rover dropped in front of our house. And it's not like I would slink away to 4 aisles over in Ta.rget if I saw a Rang.e Rover owner....

We're of course still "trying"- peak reading today, in fact- and now that my grandpa is in heaven everyone and their mother tell me stories that they got pregnant after their relative passed away. But that seems too good to be true, doesn't it?

Because even though we're trying on our own, the other way I feel detached is from all my IVF buddies who have gone on to several more IVF's, while we sit at one failure. Truthfully, it's not like we would try another IVF right now- we don't have the money, and I'm not sure we want to devote the energy/emotion to all the monitoring, etc. But all things relative, they are moving forward, too, and I'm not. Just like the moms.

But just like I mentioned above, I have this weird sense of apathy to being left behind in that way, too. Like, I'm interested in what they're going through but it seems so foreign and far away and apart from my reality that I can't really even muster an emotion about it. Well, technically, when I think of all the time and energy and GAS that I spent going 80 miles round trip every other day to the RE the better part of last year, I am pretty shocked. That's an emotion, right?

I don't think I'll ever detach completely. I still pray for all my bloggy buddies in their disappointments, heartache, and celebrations. I will still take clomid and use my monitor and take progesterone after ovulation, but when I go see my obgyn in mid-October and he suggests an IUI, I can guarantee you that we'll decline, because {dare I say it} I don't know if we care that much to go through all that again at this point. Which is saying aLOT because of course having a baby is practically the only thing that's missing in our lives (except, also, a black Ran.ge Rover), so obviously we care alot about it!

I hope I didn't offend anyone by spilling my guts to you about how I have a hard time identifying lately. It's a very weird place to be- of course I wish I wasn't on the bench without a child, but for all practical purposes, my bench is a pretty happy place to be, and I don't really think I'll be moving for a while.

I don't know how many of you will identify with my not indentifying....