God's will

It's been a while since I've done a post on faith, I think.

Two passages that have stood out to me lately are

Mark 1:40-45

Psalm 40

In the first, a infertile leper goes up to Jesus and says, "If You will it, You can heal me." And whaddya know, Jesus surely does want to heal him, so kapoof, all of a sudden the leper is healed!

In the second, after seeing another negative test being in a pit, David talks about how great God is, how he has put his foot on a rock and revealed His wonderful plans.

So here is what I have been pondering. First of all, I never thought I would envy a leper. But obviously they are closer to Jesus' heart than infertiles, or at least me, because Lord knows I have prayed this prayer a zillion times and apparently it is not God's will to heal me! After the first half of last year, I struggled with praying with "expectant faith" because isn't this just setting ourselves up for disappointment? How many of us pray to be healed every night and still wake up to bizarre bleeding or a perfect cycle ended with a negative or a worrisome adoption situation?

I think what the "right" answer is that we have to pray to be "healed" in a bigger-picture way. Like, please heal me of my endless broken dying heart and show me what I should devote my life to instead. Or something.

And I agree that this would probably be the mature prayer, opposed to some of my foot stomping tantrums in the past. But I think it is pretty unfair that those who long for children are "called" to shoulder an additional burden (aside from having an empty home) by learning to pray with the wisdom of monks instead of how the rest of the fertile population prays (please let me find time to vacuum my minivan today).

From my perspective, it seems that alot of people who turn from trying to conceive to adoption appear to be healed. (And obviously those who are able to all of a sudden conceive on their own or with the help of technology.) Which is all fine and good, except as I've recently noted, we have received a total of ZERO directions on how to build our family.

We are trying to be faithful. We are trying to seek out what God would have us do. We are trying to live this year outside of the awful infertility box.

Which brings me to the second passage.

How nice that God gives some people turn by turn directions and leaves the rest of us off the email. I am so happy that God lifted David out of the pit and gave him a song in his heart and put his feet on solid ground. All of those things would be great right about now for us! But we are left to fend for ourselves.

Every passage we read seems to "say" something different. When we think we are going confidently in one direction, a huge boulder comes crashing to rest in our path.

It is hard to hear people say, just seek the path that God would have for you. It is hard to hear people say, maybe you should stop trying to play God with how your family will expand.

Maybe if I could tell where He's leading us, I wouldn't have to claw around in the dark and just pick what seems the best. Maybe I would be just as joyful as David was if I could feel solid ground underneath my feet.

Sometimes I think that God is trying to tell me to quit my job and change my life to become a sherpa or something. We have always enjoyed backpacking! Or sometimes I worry that the reason I'm not getting pregnant is that either or both of me and Mr. A are going to be awfully injured or killed in some crazy car accident.

It stinks to have no clue what God's will is. So many other people seem to know exactly what it is, and glory be that His plans include a perfect life for them. Even the granting of the leper's request was part of God's will. Why isn't mine?