Emotional

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. And unfortunately, this morning was tough, too. I'm hoping today will only get better.

I had a midwife appointment first thing yesterday morning.

-Good news is that my blood pressure was the best it's been in a long time :) Yay! (Not that it was ever bad, but it was just better this time..)
-Medium news is that I technically passed my 3-hr glucose test (yay!), with the caveat that I still failed the 1-hr draw (but I passed the fasting, 2-hr, and 3-hr). So my midwife said while I do not have the diagnosis of GD, I have "some glucose intolerance" and "unless {I} want a big baby, {I} need to steer clear of juices, ice cream, and pies". (Yes, she really said "pies", which for some reason I think is kind of funny.)
-Bad news is that I gained 3lbs in the last 2 weeks.

Good news is good news, and I'm so grateful for it!!

Medium news is harder. I am also grateful to have technically passed, and I fully acknowledge that some providers would have just said "you passed" instead of giving me my specific numbers and pointing out that I didn't pass one of the draws. So, given another provider, it's possible that I would not be going through heartache over it. But since I know, I am just worried. I feel like I already eat pretty darn heathily- no cokes, no mounds of cookies, no daily cartons of ice cream, no white breads, etc. (I will admit to a glass of juice on the weekends and a few cookies once in a blue moon when I make them.) But I feel like I need to follow a GD diet. I don't want the baby to get too much sugar, and following a GD diet is the only thing I can think of. I asked my mom to send me the meal plan flip chart that her dietician gave her when she had GD with my brother. She is a nurse, and when I told her that I didn't pass one of the levels, her reaction was a tad more intense than I had wanted, but I should have expected as much. It is just alot to take in, trying to change what I thought was already a healthy diet.

I think I'll have tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch today. HA!... speaking of tomatoes and cucumbers......

Bad news hit hard. Especially since I don't really feel like my eating habits or quantities have changed at all, and I'm still walking 40 minutes a day and doing yoga 4-5 times a week. Lest you be worried that I am fretting about gaining weight, be not afraid! I will gain as much weight as it takes to grow this healthy baby girl without blinking an eye. But what worries me is that it is too much too fast or something, and that it isn't healthy for her, or it isn't healthy for me, and I need to be healthy to make sure she grows heathily!!! I have been pretty pleased with my weight gain over this pregnancy, but I've gained 9lbs since the middle of June (+19lbs total for the pregnancy at 31w), and it just seems like that is alot. (Although my midwife isn't concerned- of course I asked!) I also shared this frustration with my mom, and while I totally agree that honesty is the best policy, I was looking for a tad more reassurance that I wasn't turning into a blimp. She suggested that I just start eating half of the portions I've been eating. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get the recommended amount of protein and/or other nutrients for baby girl's development if I do that. I just want to be the healthiest I can for our little one, and I think good weight management will be best for us both.....

So maybe I'll have half of a cucumber and half of a tomato for lunch... hahahahaha....

But, the silver lining to the midwife appointment is that my blood pressure was great, baby girl's heartbeat sounded lovely, and my belly is measuring just right. Thank you, Lord!!

Moving on, work actually went fairly well yesterday. I walked the pups early because we had our first hospital class from 7-9pm last night. Our set of classes meets from 7-9pm seven times in August. Wow, we are going to be exhausted....

We arrived at the class, and with the exception of the high school table (okay, maybe they are in their late teens/early twenties), the other couples are around our age or maybe a little older. We received a pretty decent informational book, and Mr. A (being the written-learner that he is) sat right down and started reading through it. It's a magazine-style book, maybe 80 pages with words and figures. The presenter was good (I think she covered 1.5-2 chapters between just talking and showing a couple videos?), but she didn't hold a candle to Mr. A's need to mow through the book. I am very thankful that he was so interested in reading through the book. I know that he would have gobbled up even more technical details if they had been in there. Needless to say, he finished reading it about 3/4 of the way through the class and has declared that he now knows everything there is to know about it.

Mostly because "it's just common sense".

Now Mr. A is a very logical, common-sense type of guy. I actually do feel fairly confident that if we never read one word about labor and delivery and had to deliver our baby ourselves in the middle of a forgotten forest, we would have a successful go of it. But at 9:15pm, when he was hungry again, and we were both tired, and all he could say about the class was essentially that the other couples should just read the book and understand like he did, and that the rest of the childbirth prep classes are going to be a colossal waste of time, it was just one more heap of emotional weight on me yesterday. I admit I don't really feel like I "learned" anything last night either, but it was just alot to take in after the morning I'd had.

Although the one hilarious thing that he did glean from the presentation was that the hospital's baby warmers are directly analogous to "the heat lamps that keep the hashbrowns warm at McDonald's".. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So all in all, I went to bed totally emotionally spent. I am in awe that we are at the point where we are getting to do these things to prepare for our baby. And just like infertility, some days are rough.

This morning I didn't want to get up. I just felt so overwhelmed with the feelings of failure from yesterday. After we walked the dogs and Mr. A left for work, I sat with the pups on the couch. When I tried to tell Bert that I was having a hard morning, I seriously almost started crying. Sheesh!!! When I emailed Mr. A that I was having a bad morning, and he called to check on me, I did cry when I was trying to explain what was wrong. Surely, my yoga class would be a pick-me-up....

Except that when I got on the interstate to go to yoga, they were paving one lane, and there was a several-mile backup. Not going to make it to class 25 miles away, on time, going 3 miles an hour.... so I turned around, came home, and watched the Bac.helorette finale on hu.lu instead. (YAY JP!!)

I was supposed to have a teleconference at 1pm, but it looks like the other person has forgotten to call. That is okay with me. (Watch, he will call now.) Today can only get better!

At the end of the day, we are so thankful for this little girl. Her movements have been really awesome to feel in the last few days, and it is so cool. I tear up just thinking that she will be here in about 9 weeks, give or take. I guess this is only the beginning of some serious emotions!!

(ETA: I hope it's obvious that I am not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about how even the silliest things strike such fear of failure when you are PAIF. Like I could care less if I have to eat nothing but celery the rest of the pregnancy to cut out sugars and gain a healthy amount of weight- anything so that I don't fail at bringing this healthy baby into the world!!)