I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message. It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi. I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime. I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note. I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch. I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling. Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."
Good? I haven't heard anything back from her...
I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in. When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it. By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me. And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon. But that sounds so backwards to write. Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously? (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)
And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child. So how can I be bummed? No possible way! But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky. I wish it would be so easy for us."
So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend. Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.
:/
ReplyDeleteI would probably be mad at being deliberately excluded (or, really, I'd be mad that of the options of "compassionate interest in what she's going through" and "ignoring her so I don't have to deal with the fact that she's suffering," they chose number two), but, yeah, I'd have been cranky about the baby pictures too. (I'm generally quite cranky about baby pictures - moreso even than your average infertile, perhaps.) SO ANYWAY...I'm no yardstick to use, but I think you're right that it's going to sting either way. And there's nothing you can do about that - God has allowed her to carry a cross, and you can't take it away. I do think, though, that by acknowledging that you know she's suffering, and you care, and you know you're (inadvertently) contributing to it, but you'd like to make things better for her if you can - I think that in itself helps. (I am reflecting on my experience of this afternoon, with a friend trying to SHOVE into my lap the baby of some friends of hers whom I don't know. I was ultimately very firm - no, I am not going to hold the baby - and I'd have been home seething hours later, but for the fact that when she finally realized I was objecting, she immediately realized she'd been insensitive, and took the first opportunity to apologize. Did it make the afternoon a lot harder on me? Yes - but I'm not angry with a friend, now; things will happen that hurt us, but the fact that she cares and would like to make my life easier, not harder, is what matters.) So...that's what I think :).
Yeah, I agree... no matter what, it's going to be painful for her, and awkward for you... it's just the nature of this trial. I think you did the right thing. At least she knows you're thinking about her, and wanting to let her have control of which kind of pain she wants out of it. That's about the best you can do I think. Also, I totally get where you are in terms of still feeling sad/jealous when others have an easy time... or miss secondary infertility altogether. It's only natural. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
ReplyDeleteAfter being told for a year by everyone I know that "now that you've had a baby, your body will get pregnant on its own this time, I find myself in the midst of fertility treatments... Again. So I totally get that weird, conflicted feeling of being jealous of other people's number two.
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