Reflections on Mom

My mom, that is. Still waiting to hear when I'm joining the exclusive club!

Anyone who knows me (and my mom) knows that we haven't always been close. We had alot of rough, angry times. To be truthful, even now, sometimes I don't feel close to her. But by the grace of God, I've felt much closer to her in the last year than ever before. She is still not perfect, but neither am I, and varying unperfectness might as well not be compared when it comes to how God views sins. All have fallen short, remember?

My mom is the oldest of 6 kids. She has always been very close to her parents, even when she was younger, as her siblings recount. So close to them that her allegiance to them is kind of unnatural for a 50-something woman, and it affects (most often negatively) her relationships with her nuclear family. She still seeks her parents' approval (literally) of every aspect of her life, from marriage to raising kids (yes, we're all 20+ years of age!) to financial decisions to vacation schedules. I believe in my heart she is terrified of letting them down. While it is noble to want to please those you love, the magnitude of how this affects her life affects with great consequence the lives of her husband and her kids.

No one knows why she is like this- none of her siblings act with the same mentality- they have all had no problems transitioning to their own adult lives where they do not need to ask their dad whether they should move some money from their savings account to their mutual fund. (I am not kidding!) To be honest, I think it's a little sad that she feels so bound by their influence that she can't be free to do what she might want deep down. For example, one year on the family camping trip, Aunt B (married to my mom's brother) announced to my mom that she was going to take a hike that afternoon by herself to have some quiet time. Mom responded with "Wow, you are so lucky. I don't think my mom would want me hiking alone." Isn't that crazy? You are 50-something, mom! You don't have to ask permission anymore!!!

Can you see how this would affect her nuclear family life? My dad is not the head of the household- her dad is. Talk about how a lack of respect for your husband can affect your marriage. She was always very strict with us, even as we have all moved into adulthood. I agree that kids need alot of structure, but her need to direct our lives as adults does not sit well with us. But in all my reflection on the matter, I've come to the conclusion that she needs to control us even now because she doesn't want us to do anything that would reflect badly to her parents about her job of mothering. She needs to control my dad because she doesn't want him to make a mistake and cause her parents to think she chose badly for a mate. Does that make sense?

Of course, this hurts my dad (and us "kids") alot, to see her lack of respect for him (and us, as adults), because us kids think he is an awesome father and husband. This is where alot of the pain and resentment I sometimes feel for my mom comes from. I can't understand how she can't see what a great husband she has.

But, after being so upset for so long at how she offensively she treats us sometimes, I decided sometime last year to ask God to help me forgive her. Gulp. This is not a one-time forgiveness situation where it never happens again. This is an every-day slap-in-the-face forgiveness situation. You know, the one that God extends to me when I mess up every day. The one that calls to us from the Lord's Prayer "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Gulp. This was not going to be easy.

Luckily, God is bigger than all of this, and it is with His grace that I've found even the tiniest bit of grace to meet my mom where she is and not continually accost her for her faults. Yes, to me it is easy to see what a great husband she has. But then I think of God's perspective on me... to Him, it is easy to see how my impatience or judgmental behavior is not doing anyone any good and how much better it would be if I were not so ancy or critical.

It is with God's grace that I've been able to push aside the cobwebs and constraints and see that (I think) my mom really wants what other moms have (a better relationship with her husband and grown children), but she doesn't really know how to get there after a tumultuous past.. and when we all think she might finally be shaking her parents' hold, something snaps and she goes sprinting back to their feet. One time several years ago during a fight, she exclaimed "Well, maybe I'm not perfect, but please put on my headstone "She tried to be a good mom"!!!. I think she has started trying to have a better relationship with us, but others in my family are so hurt and broken by her behavior that it colors their response to her attempt at a different behavoir. (Not judging them- it is always my first reaction, too.) But, I can honestly say that most of the time (thanks to God working hard on my heart), I can usually carry on a fairly pleasant conversation with her despite what I see as her pitfalls. It has been tough for me somedays, and sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for talking to her and then hearing from my dad how she has been acting, but I'd like to think that the spirit of forgiveness is working in some small way to soften her heart.

I think the other thing that's helped us start to repair our relationship is our trying to conceive, if that doesn't blow your mind. I was terrified to tell her of our problems, but when I finally did, she responded in an amazing way. She never had to deal with infertility herself, but when she told me this, I knew she understood: "Whenever my other coworkers talk about their grandchildren, I just go back to my office, because I don't have anything to contribute."

Oh, my tears for her! I was so incredibly heartbroken for her.

She recently gave me a beautiful Bible cover, and it is perfect. I told her I'd pray for her every time I opened it (daily), and I mean that. I pray that she'll receive peace about the adult she has become. I pray she'll receive grace to help heal her marriage. I pray she'll receive comfort at the job she has done helping to raise 4 Christian kids. I pray she'll receive forgiveness from those she has hurt. I pray she'll receive courage to be an example of a devoted Christian wife and mother. I pray that she will receive humility in the face of pride. I pray that she'll receive joy when God blesses her with grandchildren.

It's been a long time coming. I'm not perfect, so there are days when I'm so frustrated with her that it is hard to forgive. But I pray that the forgiving days outnumber the enemy's hand, and that God's grace will continue to heal my mom and our relationship. But I am so thankful that the Lord brought this about now, before our kids are born. I used to dread bringing our kids into a resentful mother-grandmother relationship, but I don't anymore. She's not perfect either, so there will probably be occasions when I disagree so vehemently with what she does that I'll want to run exactly the other way, but it brings tears (of joy) to my eyes to think of her being able to join in the discussion with the other grandmothers at her office someday.

Invisible God?

As we embark on cl.omid cycle #2, I decided to put down my fiction reading and pick up one of my all-time favorite spiritual inspiration books Reaching for the Invisible God by Philip Yancey. If you haven't ever read it and you're feeling like God is a little out of touch right now, I highly recommend it. It provided me with great comfort during a past tough time, and I pray it will provide me with a ttc-related comfort this time around.

As I've written before, I have a hard time hearing God. Most of the time, I feel like it's a one-sided conversation, but I do try to be as conversational as possible, because my image of God is definitely a compassionate father figure who mostly just wants to hang out with his little girl. I also enjoy trying to just be still in His presence, without talking. I have heard that it's during these times when you're not babbling on with prayer that He can get a word in edgewise. As much as I want His edgewise words, I never trust what I "get" during these silent times. I will be sitting there, picturing myself as a sponge, ready to soak up whatever He has for me. It is a constant battle, but I do my best to clear my mind completely of thoughts. But then, a thought rambles in- oh, you know, something about positive pregnancy tests and a baby- and I think any other person would say, Oh, that is totally God speaking to me! But of course, here I am, and I know I have "heard" that before, and it has never been true. Who put that thought in my head? I promise I wasn't trying to put words in God's mouth! Some would say the Holy Spirit, but I can't believe He would cry wolf about this kind of thing (or at all, I guess).

But then I think, maybe it is really a problem if I never believe what I "hear" during the silent times with God.

These things are why I'm so much looking forward to re-reading this book. Here are two excerpts that struck me last night as I begun.

(The first one is an excerpt of a open letter Yancey wrote to God during a retreat he took.)
"Funny, I find it easier to believe in the impossible- to believe in the parting of the Red Sea, to believe in Easter- than to believe in what should seem more possible: the slow, steady dawning of Your life in people like me... Help me to believe in the possible, God."

(This one is in a chapter that talks about approaching God. Even though He wants us to run to Him with all things, sometimes finding Him and His peace take some diligence and patience on our part.)
"If you find God with great ease, suggested Thomas Merton, perhaps it is not God that you have found."

I pray that we will all continue seeking HIM, even when we feel like He's invisible. He never takes His eyes off of us, even when our eyes fail us!

Yard updates

We have really been enjoying our yard more this summer. I think it comes from having the garden and going out every day to check on the progress! That is why we jumped at the idea of the clothesline- more time to be outside! I am doing a load of sheets right now- they'll be hanging up soon!!




Here is our garden. Row on the left (top to bottom): Roma tomato, tiny beefsteak tomato, 2 green peppers, 2 watermelons, hot pepper; Middle row: Corn, tiny beefsteak tomato, huge roma tomato, cantelopes; Right row: Corn, green bean, the last onion (we're trying to see if it will get as big as a store onion...it's not looking good!), zucchini, hot pepper




And here are our carrots!!!! And our first 4 green beans on the side!!! I figured out that you can supposedly use the carrot greens as parsley when making stock, so I chopped a bunch of it up and froze it for making chicken and/or beef stock for winter soups!!


It's a beautiful day here- hopefully my first shot at hanging laundry (as an adult- I helped my mom many times when I was small!) will be a successful one!

Thanks, but CD1 today...

Just wanted to say thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post- alas, there is no baby. I am pretty sure today is CD1 because I woke up to red.

Yesterday morning I woke up to nothing, so I took the test. Of course it said "not pregnant", and I didn't even flinch. I honestly wasn't even phased because that is what the tests (even though I've only taken a few) always say. If I consider things deep down, I don't think I even expected it to be positive (infertility just kills the high expectations, doesn't it?). Maybe I am getting the box of tests pre-programmed to say "not pregnant"....is there another aisle for the ones that turn "pregnant"? Of course I hope and pray and want and beg for it to be positive, but the norm is negative, and that is what I'm used to and expecting it to be. Like I was mentioning in the last post, I cannot even fathom what I will do when (if) I get a positive test one day, because I have no idea what comes after that! I only know what comes after a negative test!

It is hard for me to put a label on what I'm feeling. I was going to say that I don't feel hopeless. I think that is pretty much true. I am on medicine that has been helping women with alot more problems than me have babies since the 70s, and I have alot of hope that God will use it in the next couple of months to bless us with our first baby. But that doesn't preclude the feelings of sadness, left-behind-ness, and disappointment, to name a few.

I thought I'd be more upset after a failed medicated cycle. But I think I am so used to this outcome, it doesn't phase me as much anymore. Sure, there is part of my spirit that is crushed, but the rest of my spirit has been over-conditioned to pick up the slack that it wastes no time in overcompensating for the loss we experience. Instead of dwelling over another month without success, yesterday evening we poured our energy into pouring concrete around the posts for a clothesline in the backyard! Instead of ooh'ing and aah'ing about which stroller we want, we exclaimed with joy that our watermelon plant has two blooms, and our roma tomatoes are thriving...and the corn is getting big!!! Instead of lamenting that we won't be due in March, I am secretly happy because I like April better. (No offense to March birthdays!!) Ha!!

Maybe cl.omid#2 will be the golden ticket for us. I know it accumulates in your system, so maybe that will help, too. I also hear that the side effects can be way worse, so God be with me!

Anyone up for another cup of coffee? I might drink coffee all day because I can!!!

Hangin' in There

Hello, 12dpo here. I think maybe we did it this time, but what else is new? ;-) No, really! I thought I didn't have a test upstairs, so I would have an excuse when I chickened out about testing tomorrow, but I just checked, and I actually have a digital one, so now I have no excuse. Wait, maybe since digital's sometimes aren't as sensitive, I can wait a few more days...

As much as I've been feeling a few different things now and then, I remind myself that cl.omid itself can cause some of these things, so it doesn't mean anything until I see if I start or not. Of course I am hoping and praying that it's because of baby, but only God knows at this point! It's not like I've felt anything drastic, but a couple times especially in the last couple days, I have caught myself wondering.

Mr. A and I were talking this morning, and we can't imagine how knowing that we're pregnant will affect our daily life. I already have a lunch scheduled with my neighbor on Wednesday- if we're pregnant, it will be me, her, and my baby. When we go to church next weekend, we will be a family of three. (Of course making a huge assumption that there is a baby anyway- maybe we already are a family of three and we don't know it!) I think it will be an incredible time, but we know that even in the very first week of our little one's life, he will be affecting us in a huge way!

Praying that God's will be done and that we'll have the grace to carry on with trust in Him in any case. I am thankful for the road He has led us on- how we found out about my low progesterone and how he has shaped our faith through this ordeal- because as we believe, God's power is made perfect in weakness!!! (2 Cor 12:9)

One Glass of Wine?!

So there is a winery about 5 minutes from my house that we recently discovered, and I've been telling my sister who lives close that she should come over and we could go do a tasting. Well today she is off (and I took a long lunch break), and we went over to check it out.

We had a really nice tasting, and decided to each get a glass of our favorite selection and sit on the patio overlooking the vineyard and mountains. It was heavenly! You might think I had had enough of my sisters from our RV trip a couple weeks ago, but we are super close. Our other sister even called while we were sitting there!! I sure pray that our children are so close-knit!

Anyway, as I'm ordering my glass of vidal blanc, I'm thinking to myself "Um, hello, you are 9dpo. Should you really be having this glass of wine?!" But then I counter myself with "I think I read somewhere that at this point the hypothetical baby isn't even getting any of your blood, so I think you're okay to have this glass of wine." So my latter self wins, and soon my sister and I are kicked back at an adorable table for two with awesome scenery in front of us.

I really hope I didn't mess things up.

Because that would really stink. I mean, we can't sit alone in a padded room 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every 2ww, right?

An hour and a half or so later (we really took our time!), I am sitting there thinking, "Wow, this one glass of wine was a doozy!" I don't think vidal blanc has any crazy-intense alcohol content, but it definitely went to my head a little more than normal! Not that I was falling down the stairs or anything, or even remotely goofy, but usually I don't feel like I did until after 2 glasses or so!

So this made me itching to google the topic, and I found (as if google is all scientific/legitimate studies) that progesterone supposedly decreases the body's capability to process alcohol! This is the craziest thing to me- I honestly am beginning to suspect that I never produced enough progesterone, because I have never noticed such a difference in wine effects!! Not that I am a wine drukard, but I enjoy a glass every couple of weeks or so!

I pray that the baby/s will forgive me, and I promise not to have any more wine until Monday, when I am praying I don't start another cycle...

Silver Refinery

For those of us feeling the heat of the fire lately, this was sent to me in an email recently, and I thought it was a beautiful reflection-



Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

(since I copied it from an email, the formatting is all messed up! yuck!)