Oh, Mother's Day

(I know, I know, over a month since I've posted.  And I am going to write a retroactive IF Awareness Week post- stay tuned.  Lots going on (everyone says that, but of course it's true to some extent or another), and alot of things I want to write about but don't want to just rattle off a post because they're bigger than just random...)

But you know, about Mother's Day tomorrow.  For IF graduates, a very bittersweet situation.  Bitter because you remember what it was like to want to hide in your basement the whole day and because you (more than likely) still know someone who is doing that very thing, but of course very sweet because now you actually finding yourself in a position where the day actually involves you.

I have said a zillion times how grateful we are to have been blessed with M, and I could go on and on about it, and of course I championed my new favorite mothering book a couple months ago (if you never ordered it, you should give yourself a Mother's Day present right now and get a copy- you will not regret it!!), but the thought that came to me when I was reflecting about what to write about Mother's Day took me back to when I was not a traditional mother.

In the fall of 2010, I had gone to counseling because I felt totally alienated by my fantastically fertile college friends, and Mr. A was out of advice and ideas.  My counselor was not particularly focused in infertility issues, but she had a few helpful thoughts.  The one that applies most here was that when I was telling her of my desire to be a mom, she noted that there were many ways that I mothered that are still valid, even if they were not the traditional role.  I had two dogs that depend on me for exercise, food, water, and attention.  I cared for my husband when he was sick and made meals he liked.  I checked on elderly neighbors to see if they needed help with daily activities.  My volunteering often placed me in situations of providing advice to teenagers in crisis situations.  Even though I didn't have a child in the house, I had unknowingly been using my mothering abilities and strengths.

So if you are still waiting for a child to fill your home, or if you have overcome IF through acceptance of a child-free future, I celebrate you tomorrow, in all the ways you mother, even if they are not the traditional greeting-card ways!!

Lapped

I knew the day would come, but I hadn't really prepared myself as actively as I'd wanted (mostly because I didn't know they were trying)... my sister is having another baby.

She called a couple weeks ago to tell me she was 12w along, and all I could say, over and over again, is "You are so lucky."  She kept saying, "I know, I know."

I cried off and on the rest of the day.  Alot of people I know are having their second (or third, etc) babies now, but this is my sister.  My nephew gets to be a big brother.  Meanwhile, M has to pretend her dolls are her sisters.  (Which she has started to do, without my prompting- one is her sister and one is my sister, and they are also sisters (haha), and she takes them everywhere...)

Mr. A is so solidly unmoved by families adding more kids to themselves, it's a lifesaver.  He ran down the list of reasons why it is great to have (and/or be) and only child, and I would repeat them to myself dozens of times in the next 2 days.  Many are materialistic, like being able to give her really nice toys and clothes, send her to a private school with excellent standing in the community, and pay for her college, etc... but subconsciously those are difficult for me because they are why my mom crucified families with only one kid- when I was younger, she would say "they just had one kid so they could take fancy vacations", "how selfish of them to just have one child so they can live in a bigger house", "too bad they didn't give their child a sibling".

After some journaling and praying, because feeling the weight of being left behind/infertile, when clearly we've been given M already, brings up guilt and confusion all its own, I came up with this: I am not longing for another baby for myself.  M is 100% enough for us- we prayed for a child to fill the hole in our family, and she has filled the hole a hundred times over and more.  I think at this point, after seeing my friends' kids "get" a sibling, I would love another baby for M.  I would love for her to have a ready-made playmate, instead of standing at the front door willing the neighbor kids to come bursting out of their door.  I don't want her to be lonely.  I want her to be able to say "this is my sister (or brother)" and see the proud smile on her face and see an actual sister or brother and not her doll.

Of course for as many people who are super close to their siblings (me), there are those who are not close or even at distinct odds with their siblings, so my assumption that M and a hypothetical sibling would have the kind of relationship I have with my sibs is definitely not a certainty.

I wrote in my journal for her: "You are more than enough for us; I hope we are enough for you."

Fast forward a few days, and I was a couple days past my usual new-cycle day.  It is interesting how you can rationalize with yourself and convince yourself of varying situations, because when I realized I was late-ish (of course any giddy-ness about being a couple days late is long gone by this point in time!!), I started thinking, well how are we going to save as much for two college educations?... we'll have to start full time childcare all over again...and on!  I laughed because only days before, I had had to convince myself of the glory in easily saving for M's college and being on our last leg of childcare!!

And of course, I had nothing to worry about because obviously I wouldn't be pregnant (CD 6 today), and I am grateful to genuinely feel happy and content with M as our only lovebug.  I pray that God will bless our relationship so that we can do, and enjoy together, really cool mother-daughter things that maybe we wouldn't be able to do if He'd given me a new baby every 2 years.

I am sure that my sister have another baby will bring the questions from M about where is her sister, etc., but I'm just praying God will give me grace in that moment to respond to her without losing it myself.  I am grateful for the family He has created for us, and hey, Jesus turned out okay with no siblings, right?  ;-)

You, too?

I think there is a mass outbreak of pregnancies.  No, I'm serious!  My friend in the neighborhood is pregnant.  My neighbor's son's wife is pregnant.  My friend's friend is pregnant.  Several bloggers I follow/lurk are pregnant.  My sister is probably accidentally pregnant again (pure speculation).  If you are pregnant and reading this, you better spill the beans so I can add you to the list!

I wonder sometimes if anyone who is still waiting to conceive or become a mom thinks my posts about (now secondary, I guess?) infertility are completely ungrateful and lame.  I definitely feel guilty wondering why it seems like I'm the only one longing for another baby and not seeing two lines. 

But then there are also times like tonight.  We'd finished dinner, with the dishes piled high in the sink (a sure sign of an excellent meal, no?).  Lately I've just been leaving the cleanup till after M is in bed- playtime is too precious with the three of us to waste it washing pots and pans.  We were chasing, doing puzzles, tickling, and hiding- and I was saying to myself, this is awesome.  We can focus 100% of our attention on her, play however and with whatever she wants, read her stories at bedtime, and come downstairs and clean up the kitchen and kick back.  No hectic timing of feeding a baby and eating our regular dinner all together, no double teaming bedtime for two kids, and when she's asleep, it's time to clean up the kitchen, and then time for just us.  Of course I'd give up the entire last sentence for the chance to give her a sibling, but we are head over heels crazy for her, and that's as good as a sibling, right?

Fake it till you make it

My good friend's mom held a baby shower for her today, and M and I went together.  I knew that her daughter would be there, and turns out there was another 2-yr old girl there, too.  All in all, an enjoyable couple of hours, but her pregnancy remains pretty bittersweet for me.

To back up a little, I did end up throwing her a stock-the-freezer shower in mid-December, and it was AWESOME.  If you know anyone who's having a baby, you should definitely throw them a stock-the-freezer shower.  Just pick several recipes, make a master ingredient list, ask each participant (except the guest of honor) to pitch in on grocery items, gather up freezer bags and disposable aluminum pans, and make a general list of the order things need to happen (prep, cooking, etc.).  I ended up organizing recipes that I'd cooked for ourselves before M was born (my friend and her family and not casserole-y folks either, which is what 98% of the "freezer meals" that you come up with if you go looking for that category).  She invited two of her friends, and the four of us prepared 14 meals in 3 hours.  We didn't rush- enjoyed coffee and treats the whole time- and it was just a really fun morning.  (We met 9-12, so we could all have the rest of the Saturday to spend with our respective families.) 

For today's shower, I went and got a few things from her registry, and we also picked out a couple small things for her daughter, sort of a big sister gift.  I probably didn't need to get as much as I did, but I think it is part of my fake it till you make it campaign, to truly let it not bother me.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job of getting there- I have my continually-compiled list of reasons having only one child is great- but nearly the only thing that gets me is remembering holding M when she was just a couple hours old- so tiny, so precious, so loved, such an answered prayer.  And, gah, she gets to do that again.  And her daughter gets to have a sister.

I know there are many women who long for a child and never see that prayer answered in the affirmative, and I know that I am one of the lucky ones who's called mama.  But sometime in the last few months, misfit wrote something to the tune of just having one child is not exactly triumphing over infertility.  (Forgive me for the paraphrase, but I can't seem to find your exact language now!  Also forgive me for not commenting on that post- I love that sentiment from the moment I read it!)  And I've never felt that more than walking through my friend's pregnancy.  Yes, I can barely put into words how grateful I am for M, but I still feel infertile at times like this.  My friend has told me, in an effort to bolster any hope that- it can happen again!- that this was the only time they didn't use protection, and so it can happen anytime!!  It is such a sweet effort, but when I told Mr. A about this, he laughed and said, um, did you tell her we haven't used protection once in like 9 years?  Hahahahaha ;-)

So anyway, my friend's baby is due in 2 weeks, and because it is 100% true, I keep telling her that I'm so happy for her to be welcoming this precious new life into the world.  Because I am happy for her.  And I'm getting there about truly not having it get to me.  Slowly....

And as an example of God's mercy (in addition to the contract on our house, haha), I present to you, M's best friend from preschool's mom.  I invited them over to play recently, and she asked the dreaded question, are you going to have any more kids?  I said, well, we'd love more, but it took us 4 years of trying to have M, and so we aren't holding our breath.  Much to my great surprise, she said, "That's us too!"  I about fell off my chair.  We talked about each of our experiences, and I speak for myself, but I felt very safe with sharing our journey with her.  I hope that we will be able to deepen our friendship, because her daughter is really sweet, and M loves her, and there is nothing like having another friend who's struggled to build their family. 

Thank you Lord, for each of these women.  You have used them to teach me about humility, friendship, honesty, and mercy.  Help me to be a good friend to each of them, to reflect Your life.

New Today/New Tomorrow

I know it's been too long- no good excuse really.  I really am going to try to revive this space in 2014, and I hope someone will hold me to it :)

After much praying (first we started out with high hopes to St. Joseph, and when he seemed a little uninterested, we resorted to the simple but to-the-point "Lord, have mercy on us"  hahaha), we received a contract on our place just before Christmas.  A Christmas miracle, if you will.  (Incidentally I always prayed for a Christmas miracle when we were trying to have a baby, and I never got one, so here it finally is in a different answered prayer!)  Just today we have agreed and signed and initialed the buyer's requests following the home inspection, so God willing, we will close early this year.  We are so, so grateful and so, so hopeful that God will continue to bless the sale of our home.

And also new today is a new cycle.  Good thing everyone else will be drunk, too!  Haha ;-)  We have been praying our hearts out for our house to sell, and so now that it seems like that one should be good to go, maybe I'll let myself dream about a sibling for M.  In the likely event that that doesn't happen though, we are thinking of maybe remodeling an upstairs bedroom to be a manly office for DH.  It'll be nice for him to have his own space, and it's not like we really need the extra bedroom!

New tomorrow is 2014.  Please be nice to us, okay?  ;-)

My first Gender Reveal

Well, my friend is having another girl.  The party was pretty fun- although M is very social, in new settings, she needs a minute (or several or lots) to take everything in, and it was no different showing up at a party with 10 other kids running full tilt.  But she eventually warmed up a little, and of course she enjoyed the pink pudding-filled cupcake :)

The only time I felt like grabbing her and running out of the house was when it was just M and I in their living room.  She had gone in to play with some toys they have in there, to get a little time to herself after being bulldozed by an especially excited 18-month old boy.  I hear my friend and two other ladies in the kitchen:

"I hear so-and-so is pregnant again."
"Yes, she was also pregnant as the same time as me last time."
{lots of squealing}
"ooooOOoooooh, isn't it so fun that everyone is pregnant again!!!!"
"Yes, I can't believe it happens that way!!!"

Not for everyone, folks.  I am just glad I was in the living room.  Even though only two tears tried to surface, it may have been awkward if I'd been in there with all the multiple-child mamas.

Of course I totally recognize that I'm beyond lucky to have been pregnant once, so I could have something to say when one of the women asked me later, "So which midwife delivered your daughter?", when I answered, cue more glee, "ooOOOooo, she delievered my second son!!  Isn't she greeeeeeaaatttt?"

Eventually it was bedtime, and we walked home and I felt a little quiet.  I am so, so grateful to have M and be able to be a mom.  So many days I thought my dream would never come true.  I might not get to experience another pregnancy, but I will always have the memories of carrying Maryanne, and the privilege of being her mom from here on out.

Pity party: You're Invited

As I texted a friend yesterday: "I'm so done with reproductive nonsense."

When I last posted (argh, I know it was nearly 2 months ago), it was mid-June.  At the end of June, we went on a week vacation with my parents/extended family of my mom's side.  We found out the hard way that we will NEVER vacation with my uncle AGAIN.  Obnoxious, and unapologetic are a gross understatement.  That and a few other factors made for a fairly stressful week.  Did I mention that I was supposed to ovulate while we were there?  I had just written off the cycle, because you-know-what is not going to happen on a camping trip with the fam. 

But then we get back and the day I'm expecting my period to come comes and goes.  {The past year or so, I've had one cycle as short as 26 days, and others as long as 31.  I haven't been tracking ovulation so to speak.}  A week comes and goes.  Given the hilarious track record I have with hpt's, I waited until I thought, well what the hell, maybe ovulation waited for us to make up for lost time in the forest.  HAHAHA.  What a joke.  Of course it was negative.  I waited a few more days.  The second hpt was negative, to.  OBVIOUSLY.  Finally, I think on day 40 or 41, I started spotting in the evening.  I have never been so glad to start a new cycle.

Fast forward a little, and I was getting some "nice conditions" a little earlier than I expected, but Mr. A wasn't feeling well, so there was no taking advantage.  Then I went to visit my sister on cd13, but was back in time for some getting together with Mr. A on cd 14 and 15.  No biggie, as much as I would love another little one, I am just emotionally not up for all the hyper-tracking of cycles anymore. 

And then here comes all the stupidity that is just burning a hole in the nice little hakunamata bubble I have carefully crafted around myself.  The afternoon of cd17, what do I see upon an innocent trip to pee?  Blood-streaked cm!! 

The "spotting", but really let's call it light bleeding since it is nearly a normal pad's worth each day, has pretty much been red/orange since then (it's cd20 now), and I am just pissed.

In the rare chance that I have been able to coerce myself in being content with M and forgiving my sorry you-know-what body for being so uncooperative with the sibling situation, and after being so regular (in general), now my backward reproductive system decides to go and be all weird with the cycle length!?  Give me a break.  I have just gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for not having any more kids- I do not need to have to forgive myself for some random, unannounced, and unwelcome imbalance or problem or malady that all of a sudden comes down the road.

Before you go and say, OOH MAYBE IT'S IMPLANTATION, just stop yourself.   Of course there are hail mary stories of people who had gushes of blood and ended up with a healthy bouncing baby, but on the whole, in my limited understanding, I've had way more and way redder "spotting" (haha) than is normal for that.  And also, since the earliest we could have conceived is cd14, unless we have a speed racer in there, cd17 is too early for any of that craziness.

BLECH.

I'm not even upset at the idea that there will be no BFP this time.  I have made fairly appreciable progress in the idea of having only one child.  It's just that if I have had to accept that something isn't working right to make babies, then I think it is just laughably cruel that all of a sudden I'm going to be all irregular. 

My aunt said to call my midwife on Monday if I'm still bleeding, since the last two cycles have been weird.  I just don't even want to deal with it.  I don't want to deal with having bloodwork.  I don't want to deal with more appointments.  I was done with all that stuff.  I had accepted the quiet little one-child family life.  Stupid infertility, just let me have my normal cycles and leave me alone!!

Good friends

Another of my best friends just emailed that she is due with #2 in january... her kids will be 1.5 years apart.  I am happy for her of course but it stings a little cause I always wanted kids close together and who even knows if we will be blessed with another.

I wrote her back the usual congratulations etc., because Im not sure how "man, Im so jealous" would have gone over.

H, if youre reading, I mean that in the most non-jealous way possible haha!

Feeling "led" (for once?)

A couple years ago, when I was a new peer counselor at the largely-evangelical-staffed pregnancy center, I was exposed some prayer language that I was not really used to.  One example was, "If you feel led, please pray for {whatever}".  If I felt led?  What does that mean?  Not like God is going to peek out from around the corner, and say, hey come pray this way....  did it mean if I decided to pray about {whatever}?

It went along the same lines of confusion/bewilderment as the Christian radio station's membership drive, where they would say, "Just pray about how much God is asking you to give."  I chuckled out loud the first time I heard it.  As if God is channel you (or at least me) a specific dollar amount to pledge to this organization!!!!  (I've written about this before.)  They surely meant to go home and check the budget and see how much was left over?

Anyway, from my experience, more often than not, most people use "if you feel led" in a way similar to "if you have time" or "if you wouldn't mind".  And maybe sometimes people really mean, "if you think it is a good idea" or "if you sit down to pray about it and you just have an overwhelming urge to pray for {whatever} then do so".

The latter is what I'd call actually "feeling led", and it might have just finally happened to me.  Fake it until you make it, right?  hahahahaha ;-)

Ever since period-ageddon in February and subsequent soul searching in March, I have pretty much not prayed for any more babies.  It has just been too hard to dream, and I felt that praying for contentment with our family as-is was a much more reasonable prayer that could be answered in the affirmative.  And I think it has helped.  I have been feeling fairly positive about having only one child- even started a list on my phone of pro's on the matter- and did you know that there is a whole website dedicated to only children?

Then my friend up the road, whose daughter is 6 months older than M, shared with me that she is pregnant with #2.  I give her major credit, because she had just found out the day before, and unless she already posted it on facebook (which I doubt), I think I may have been among the first people to know.  It has been quite a while since I felt like I was that trusted from a friend, you know, that I was a good enough friend to be that vulnerable with.  That felt awesome, but of course the news itself stung.*

So then I'm sitting rocking M that night, and I'm trying to pray for contentment like I have been doing for months now, and all I could think was "Why am I stuffing away my deepest prayer for another baby?  My prayers for contentment are sincere and true, but I shouldn't only pray for contentment just because it is easier/more attainable.  We would love another baby, and I would like to pray for that, too."  And so, I kind of reflected on all that, and I came to the conclusion that maybe that is what it's like to "be led" to pray for something.

But this all comes with caveats.  For the sake of my Christian faith, I'm being led by the Holy Spirit.  For the sake of logic and cynics, I'm being led by jealousy.  (Oh sure, only when one of your closest friends is pregnant do you want to start praying for another baby!)  Also, just because we can be confident that God hears our prayers (1 John 5:14), doesn't mean that He is going to say yes, so of course my skeptical IF heart still asks, what is the point?  Haha  ;-)

But for now, I've added praying that God would allow us to conceive a happy, healthy sibling for M back to my list of petitions.  Only after asking for contentment with the family which God choose to make of us of course, because I have come to rest in that prayer, even if it was forced at first.  My expectations are still pretty low that we'll get another BFP, but at least I won't feel like I'm just ignoring that tiny little voice in my heart.  I guess it's about time I feel "led"...given the name of this blog and how much I've focused on the "journey" of all this!!


*Supposedly it had taken "a long time" with their first daughter (not exactly sure how long), and I guess they had been preventing somehow since then, because this was "the one time" that nothing had been in place, and whadya know.  She is totally on board with how precious this life is, and how exciting this is, and how amazing it is that people get pregnant at all with the technically tiny window of opportunity, but I just wanted to laugh and laugh (not at her, at the situation).  The one time!?  Mr. A and I have been married for 8 years this July, and we have never ONCE used any kind of prevention!  Hahahahahahahahaha Shouldn't we have like 7 kids now??  But I am so honored that she would trust me with this information, so that is really my biggest "takeaway"...

CD1- might as well get to the point

I need to get out of the habit of only posting once a new cycle starts.  Oh well, at least you can be sure you'll hear from me once a month!  Hahaha ;-)

I actually started bleeding yesterday afternoon but for the sake of CD1-ing, I'm starting today.  Ever since I've gone to acupuncture (although I haven't been since just before Christmas) and doing yoga, I haven't had any cramps with my period, so it's not a physical issue really, it is just still the emotional disappointment.  I couldn't even remember if we had good timing this time, but it is just such a BUMMER when even infertile people sometimes have no problems conceiving #2.  I have tried to have a good day- I took the nanny and M out to lunch, and I have taken alot of gentle, deep breaths when it seems like I'm holding back tears.

By the grace of God, however, we do have M, and I joined a moms class at church several weeks ago (it is not an aimless "group"- we actually have a book and it's more about self-reflection and how that relates to motherhood).  The second week, they asked us to give our reflections on how the first week went.  The only thing I had to say was not really related to the class' content.  I said, "I am just so grateful to be here at all, because there were years when I wasn't even "eligible" to be a part of a group like this and I never thought I would be, and now I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to be my daughter's mom."  The other women in the group thought this was just the most profound, deep thing, but I wasn't sugar coating it or trying to win any philosophical awards.  That is my reality: alot of times, I was sure that I wouldn't be a mom, and now I am.

Which is why I feel really obnoxious for feeling bummed on CD1's.  I have been praying every night for contentment in our family.  Even that prayer feels a little weird, because "be content" is what you squawk at someone who doesn't really have what they want, but what they have is very good.  I read a post by another blogger recently that made me squirm.  It was about how as infertile mothers, we shouldn't focus so much on infertility or our rocky path to motherhood because our children will know if they are not "enough" for us.  Ouch.

It's not that M is not enough.  Her smiles and laughter and generous, friendly spirit has filled the hole in our family, and she is more than enough.  We are so, so lucky and grateful for her.

I just have insecurities over having an only child.  Only children get a bad rap, and my mother is not shy in proclaiming the selfish nature of parents who only have none or one or two children, because clearly they chose to only have a small family so they could afford a fancy house and fancy vacations and have a large bank balance.  And so what happens when you want more kids but you find yourself landed in the small family category when you never wanted to be there?

The chapter in my moms class last week was on self-growth, and admittedly most of the chapters have had some hokey kumbaya moments in them, one of the exercises was to identify an area where you feel most insecure or unstable and commit to doing things to help that area.

Mine was accepting myself.  Accepting that unless, at the not so young reproductive age of 33, I miraculously become super fertile (can I get a big YAH RIGHT?!), I'm going to have a small family.  Accepting that my mom's prejudices and judgements of people with small families were not all true or kind or fair.  Accepting that there are lots of good things about having a small family (fancy vacations!  oh wait... hahahaha)

Two of my "things to do" to work on accepting myself are to (1) make a list of positive aspects of having a small family, and keeping it handy so I can refer to it when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unworthy or not good enough, and (2) seeking out small families (parents, 0-2 kids) who are completely fulfilled and happy and content.

Can you help me?  If your family is small, especially if it's not what you envisioned you'd have, can you give me some encouragement or advice or positives I can add to my list?

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

Thanks for praying, and Revisiting ttc stuff

I've been meaning to update since last Friday, when we held the neighborhood potluck and raised over $1000 for the family who lost their home!!!  There are a few neighbors who I know personally who didn't come for extremely lame reasons, and so while I'm disappointed in them, we had an overall perfect turnout (not too big, not too small), the family felt surrounded by supportive friends, and we even met some young families in the neighborhood that we can now hang out with!!  Win, win, win, for sure :)  Thank you for praying for the event and for the family :)

A few days ago, I was talking to one of our neighbors, and he said that someone remarked to him that I was just glowing during the dinner.  And I think I probably was, because throwing parties is totally in my element, but the word "glowing" has really tough connotations for an infertile/infertility survivor.  I mean, other than maybe a bonfire, I don't know any other common use of the word except to describe a pregnant person.  And it just brought me back to when my acupuncturist described me as glowing before I ever knew I was pregnant with M.  And since the potluck was a couple days before I think I ovulated, I'm now in the early 2ww, and that comment, along with the most pronounced "symptoms" I've had since my cycle returned in August, it totally playing tricks with me.  Did you know there is a thing called Early Pregnancy Factor?  As if infertiles need any more encouragement that they can feel symptoms before implantation, hahaahahahahaha.

But you know, we are so in love with Maryanne, that if our family is the three of us, we are totally and completely happy.  I've been praying lately for the wisdom to know when enough is enough, as far as asking the Lord to expand our family again. 

But holy bloating, there better be a good reason for it ;-)

CD1

OBVIOUSLY.  It would have been too easy, too perfect, to get another BFP almost exactly 2 years later.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.  Or to fertile people. 

All morning I have been arguing with myself.  There is the one half of me who is bummed, sarcastic, and insecure.  Then there is the other half of me who sees no reason to complain: there is a perfect little 15-month old peacefully sleeping upstairs after making pie dough and playing with her babydoll and running errands with me this morning.

Over the weekend, I caught myself several times thinking, wow I have finally hit my mom stride.  I work out every day, eat well, work full time, practice yoga, make all 98% of our meals from scratch (aside from the maybe one or two times we go out to eat every month), and be the best mom I can be to M.  I recently got this cookbook, and I have been way reinspired to make nearly everything homemade, from scratch.  Over the weekend, among normal meals, I made granola, 2 loaves of bread, pasta dough into ravioli (enough for 2 meals), breadcrumbs, lots of vegetable purees for secretly nutritional things (although M loves her veggies- she eats peas and green beans before anything else on her plate!), and this morning I made pie dough for my own toaster pastries, i.e. pop tarts.  It feels awesome!! 

I knew I was towards the end of my cycle, and this weekend I found myself thinking back to the first few months with M when I was a cooking mess- nothing was ready on time, much less at the same time as any other part of the meal, and I just could not get it together.  (I know, I've retroactively cut myself some slack, but I felt like such a huge failure at the time.)  But as I've been preparing all of these awesome things from my own kitchen, I was thinking, what if I'm pregnant?  Will I be able to keep this up when the new baby comes?

Which is just hilarious, as the CVS clerk can attest to the 2 huge boxes of pads I bought this morning.  Hahahahaha!

And then last night I started spotting, and I just thought to myself, well duh.  Why were you even hoping?

This morning I have been going back and forth all over the place.  One minute I am just so disappointed (although to be honest, our timing stunk last cycle, so it was a crazy long shot), and the other minute, I am so grateful that I can give M my undivided attention and love.  One minute, I am so jealous of people who get pregnant easily, and the other minute, I am beating myself up because how dare I complain- I have been blessed with M (and also because technically, we got pregnant with her "easily", in that we were on no meds and doing nothing except normal babymaking)!!!

It's a weird thing.  I apologize if this is hurtful for those of you with empty arms; if it seems insensitive that I'm complaining about CD1 even though we have M. We are so, so grateful for her, and she is 100% filled the hole in our family.  When it comes down to it, we are completely happy if God's plan for our family is the three of us.

But how long do I let myself wonder if our family will ever be any bigger?

A note

She emailed me back this afternoon  :)

The short and not-so-sweet is that yes, their arms are still empty, and in the meantime life has also dealt them a bunch of crap in general.  Not what any friend wants to hear about another but I was just glad to hear anything.  She is going to call me next week to really catch up.

Please keep both of them, individually and as a married couple, in your prayers.  Her hubby especially, because he's a kindred optimistic-all-the-time spirit like me, and she said he is finally losing hope that he'll be a dad, and it's very hard on him.  I totally feel his pain, because I had pretty much given up hope, too, and as an eternal optimist, that is not an easy thing to do.  (I never lost hope totally, just maybe 90% of it, haha.)

She said she doesn't want to bring me down with talking about still dealing with IF, and I can honestly say that I still think about it all the time, so it's not like I'm living in lala motherhood land where IF has no place.  Is that weird?  Not just because I'd love to "accidentally" conceive another baby as many infertiles do in the fairy tales, but because every time I hug Maryanne and rock her to sleep, I'm reminded of the times when I didn't have any baby to hug, and when I cried to myself in the same rocking chair when I found out another ungrateful friend was pregnant...again.   There are no words to express how thankful I am for M, but I don't think IF in the deepest sense will ever go away for me. 

Sending a prayer of thanks tonight for my friend and her willingness to trust me with her sadness and struggles.  Also sending a prayer that I will be able to be all that she needs me to be as her friend and support system.

No word

I havent heard anything from my friend.  My heart is aching for her.   In all our Christmas cards this year, i included our family picture, and although it took me a while to decide, i put one in her card, too.  I never wanted to be left out and neither did she..  last time we talked. 

I sent her an email "warning" about the picture, and i said if she received it on a hard day, she didnt have to open it.

As i was thinking more about her, what if she is jusy really busy at work?  Is it selfish of me to assume her silence is related to me having M, while her arms are empty?  I just wish id hear from her so i could stop wondering...

On the other side

I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message.  It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi.  I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime.  I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note.  I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch.  I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling.  Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."

Good?  I haven't heard anything back from her...

I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in.  When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it.  By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me.  And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon.  But that sounds so backwards to write.  Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously?  (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)


And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child.  So how can I be bummed?  No possible way!  But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky.  I wish it would be so easy for us."

So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend.  Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.

Some things

*As obnoxious as it sounds and feels, I am starting to struggle with infertility survivors who go on to become pregnant with #2+ without trying.  My feelings have been bubbling deep for months now, and they are only getting stronger.  It isn't nearly as difficult as before we had Maryanne, but I would love to be able to have another baby (greedy?), and given how long it took last time, I am so insecure about if it will ever happen again.  And of course everyone I tell that to has some story about someone who had an awful time conceiving baby #1 but then baby #2 was easy peasy, and that just doesn't help me feel better at all.  Blech.  It's hard not to feel guilty for feeling this way.

*Speaking of infertility, I would like your advice, especially any of you who are still waiting and still reading.  One of my best friends started trying a year after we did, so by now they have been trying for about the same time (or maybe a little longer?) than we did before we conceived.  We were very close before I got pregnant, and we kept in touch really frequently while I was pregnant, and we always promised each other that whoever got off the "infertility train" first wouldn't leave the other person out of anything, e.g. baby pictures, celebrations, updates.  Fast forward to this past spring, and communication from her has just about dropped to nothing.  (She did thoughtfully send Maryanne a birthday gift, but all my texts/emails to thank her have gone unanswered...)  She has a busy job, and I try to convince myself that she is just busy with that, but I can't help but feel my heart ache that it's getting too tough for her to keep up with me.  What do I do?  I don't want to leave her out, because I never wanted to be left out and neither did she, and it's not like I'm mobbing her with texts and emails and calls- maybe once every two/three weeks, but I don't want to keep trying to contact her if she honestly needs time and/or space.  I would love to hear how she's doing, and Maryanne and I pray for her every night that God would bless them with a baby.  Should I include a family picture of us in their Christmas card?  My head says yes, based on our previous conversations, but my heart stings and hesitates....

*I have lost 25 lbs since September, and I am SO excited about it.  I have not done any specific diet (other than eat more veggies/fruits/salads just because they have less calories than other alternatives), but I have made a commitment to exercise while Maryanne is napping, and two words:  PORTION CONTROL.  I am back to the size I was 10+ years ago, and it feels awesome.

*I can't believe that it's already (almost) December.  Where did this year go???  Thanks to those of you who are still reading- I know I haven't been very good about posting, but I still read all y'all blogroll buddies (on my phone mostly) :)

The Guise

I know I've been gone for more than a month again (drat!), and I don't normally post on controversial things, but in light of the national tragedy that happened yesterday, I feel compelled to post this today.

I'm just starting making my way through Scripture again (this will be my second time to work through the whole Bible) with the help of my devotional Bible, and this morning's passage and reflection struck me hard.  Today's reading is Gen 3:1-7.  Yep, the serpent in the garden and the yummy (forbidden) fruit and the woman who ate it anyway.

Here is part of the reflection, written by Kathy Troccoli:

"'Did God really say it?'..How often am I tempted to listen to those words.  God most definitely has spoken...He means what he says.  Does what He says.  Never pulls a fast one.  And still we question or disregard His heart.  I, for one, have indulged in the rationalizing, the putting a stamp of okay on something that God has said is unholy.  We need only look around today to see the effects of Satan's questions.  Moral and spiritual decay.  A rightness placed on what is so obviously wrong.  A label of old-fashioned...attached to laws that are still the same in God's eyes...So we are left believing the lies of the enemy and with the consequences of our choices.  And it all takes place under the guise of love and honesty, goodness and fairness, open-mindness and tolerance.  The serpent may come to you today and say, "Did God really say that?" Your answer must be "yes".  For no matter how many promises God has made, they are yes in Christ."

Did God really say that killing is wrong?  Among other things, it breaks my heart that my country just re-elected someone with an abysmal record on the defense of life, from conception to natural death.  How many millions of babies have been killed under the guise of open-mindedness and tolerance, i.e. the guise that it is okay for a woman to choose to kill her baby, a baby created in the image and likeness of God?!!  How much more does it sting for those of us who long(ed) to conceive such a cherished blessing.

Today let us pray for our country and it's leaders, that they will turn back to God and lead with principles that respect the blessing of human life. 

If you hold back from rescuing those taken away to death, those who go staggering to the slaughter; if you say, "Look, we did not know this"-- does not He who weighs the heart perceive it?  Does not He who keeps watch over your soul know it?  And will He not repay all according to their deeds?

(Proverbs 24: 11-12)

::Crickets::

Tee Jay left me a sweet comment to ask how we were doing, and I just have to oblige her and post real quick that we are all doing great!

M is 11 months old in a couple days, and she is AWESOME.  Hubby just got his pilot's license, and we went up in his plane on Friday after work, and it is SO COOL!!  M loved it, too.  Dogs are good :)  Work is really busy, and I wish I could just win the lottery already.  Our nanny has been with us since I went back to work in January, and I hope she stays with us until Maryanne goes to school...

My sister is due with her baby in 5 weeks.  Holy camoley.  Her shower was a huge success (or maybe instead of winning the lottery, can I just quit my real job and start a party planning business?), and I was so happy that so many people gave her such useful things.  She has still not asked me that much about my go at labor/delivery/motherhood, but I've given some unsolicited musings here and there, and I think I've accepted that that's going to be pretty much it unless actually having the baby jump starts a desire to see what's worked for her big sister.

As far as if they're excited, they are not as excited as we were (not sure if that is possible, though), but I think they are going to do okay.  Hubby and I and Maryanne hung out with them this afternoon, and we had a very enjoyable time, and they are both really cute/adoring to M.  It is so funny because all the time we don't hear from them or see them for a long time, we kind of build them up to be unsocial/unfriendly/uninterested in family members, but usually when we get together, we have a really nice time.

And speaking of seeing them, maybe the stars are thinking aligning because they want to get together with us for dinner this coming weekend, and she suggested that she and I get ice cream in a couple weeks the morning before her doctor's appointment.  I about fell off my chair.  Could it be possible that I might actually start to see her regularly?!?  How awesome would that be.

AND.

She is not going back to work after their baby comes.  I, of course, work from home full time, but because I work from home, I have a ton of flexibility in my hours.  Can you imagine all the fun things we can do together, with the kiddos?!?!  I don't exactly know how they crunched the numbers to make living on his salary doable, but apparently they did, and I just hope they were honest with themselves as far as their expenses go.  But all in all, given the recent improvement in the frequency of our get togethers, I am actually a little bit optimistic we will get to be mamas together, after all.

But enough about my sister ;-)

I'm still breastfeeding, although I think M is sort of self-weaning a bit- we are down to 2 times a day.  I got my first period post-baby almost a month ago, and raise your hand if you think we'll get a BFP this time?  Hahahahahahaha.  I am returning to acupuncture and taking my vitamins again, so we'll see.  At this point, we're just doing "general health/balance" treatments, and as much as I say at this point that I don't want to "try" as hard as last time, if we're not pregnant by December, I might ask her to do some more fertility-focused points.  We would both be 100% happy if our family is forever the three of us, so let's be clear about that!!

I really need to find time to return to yoga or running or something.  Just like 30 minutes a day.  It shouldn't be that hard!!!  I've been back in my normal clothes for a long time, I just feel like if I tried, I could be even smaller.  Smaller is relative, of course, I would still not be a size 4 or 6 :-P

Okay, I'm sure this is info overload.  I want so badly to keep up with this, I really do.  I promise not to let it sit untended for another 3 months ;-)  Leave a comment and tell me how you're doing!!  I read all your blogs while I'm nursing, so I'm pretty current on y'all, but it'd be great for you to say hi if you're still reading :)

Hullabaloo

I haven't been able to get back into frequent blogging (yet?), and most of my blog-reading takes place on my phone while I'm feeding Maryanne, but I take it that there has been some fuss over the creation of the new PAIL blogroll.

From my limited understanding, the issue is that there is already one universal infertility blog list (Stirrup Queens), so why do we need another? Or is the stink that it's exclusive to those still trying?

When I first heard about the new blogroll, and maybe I am not a deep enough thinker or something, but I was really excited. I viewed it as another resource as an infertile mom, but still an infertile. The same way that I view Stirrup Queens. Is there such a thing as too many resources? Of course, it will comprise people who are on the blessed other side of being childless, but I have found that infertility still affects me daily- good and bad. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I am not still the biggest cheerleader for my TTC or childfree buddies.

There were many days before we became pregnant that I absolutely not stomach another pregnant after IF blog. But there were some days when reading about someone's triumph over the IF crap gave me so much hope. Is having a blogroll that is entirely a testament to people's beating IF really a bad thing?

So anyway, I joined PAIL. I am also on Stirrup Queens' list, but I forget where.... I hope that it didn't offend any readers who are still trying. I know I don't have alot of extra brain cells these days, but maybe people are overthinking it and getting themselves into a tizzy? Why can't we all just get along? ;-)