Biopsy Done

So this morning got even more complicated before it got better. 

When I left off last night, M's school was delayed.  My friend let me know that if M's school ended up closing, I could just drop M at her house and she could play with her daughter.  Well turns out that by 5:30am this morning- when the same friend texted me that she was in labor and heading to the hospital- M's school had closed.  So I texted our babysitter (different from our nanny)- because she was out of school, too- to see if she could watch M during my appointment.

I got back in bed and just prayed some crazy stream of consciousness because I couldn't sleep with all this stuff running through my head.

Wasn't it kind of a sick joke that the day I had to go to the hospital to get a needle stuck into my neck, my friend got to go to the hospital to welcome another baby into her family?   AND, now that M's school was closed, I couldn't just drop M off at her house, and who was going to watch M while I went to have my biopsy?  And please Lord, continue to bless the sale of our townhouse.  And please Lord, heal anything amiss in my thyroid.  I need to be healthy for my family- I love them so much.  And might I add again, what on earth am I going to do with M while I go to the hospital?  And please Lord, bless my friend with a smooth delivery of a healthy baby girl.  And what if the roads are too slippery to get to the hospital for my appointment.

At some point in my desperate pleading for all manner of things, I fell back asleep until 7am.

Soon, our babysitter texted back that both her parents were at work today, and she had to look after her brother and that would be handful enough without watching M, too.

Well shoot... of course.

So I started to think of everyone and anyone I knew who could possibly hang out with M during my appointment.  Mr. A could have stayed home as an absolute, absolute last resort, but he had one of his software demo's today, so it was pretty much the worst day for that.

I texted my neighbor, but she was staying an hour away with her husband's sister in the ICU.
I texted my other neighbor, but he also had a medical appointment at 10am.

Then I texted my friend who did the Bible study with me last fall.  By the grace of God, her hubby is a teacher (so he was home since school was cancelled), and he offered that I could bring M to their house to play with their kids while I went to my appointment.

{This all happened before 8:15am, and given what was on schedule for 10am, it was a little too much to handle.  I will not deny that there were tears at various points during all this.  Though Mr. A did not really understand why I was crying, he made way up for it by getting M dressed and ready to head out the door.}

I'm not really sure how we are going to repay them- their one act of generosity totally saved the day, no exaggeration.  I knew M would have a blast playing with their kids, and so after I dropped her off, I was able to relax and prepare myself for the impending discomfort with relative peace.

The biopsy itself wasn't too awful bad- truly the worst part was the injection of numbing stuff.  From my very uneducated hearing of comments, most of the nodule was fluid (so, from what I've read this is cystic?).  The doc and nurses were all very friendly and talkative- asking me all kinds of questions, which also struck me as kind of weird/funny because, um, if I'm talking, isn't that going to mess you up when you jam that needle into my neck?  Hahaha.

I left with a bandaid and went upstairs to see my friend and her new baby girl, born only an hour after she texted me (30 min after arriving at the hospital).  She is precious, and I thank God for this new little baby.

My neck feels a little swollen inside (not too noticeable from the outside) and a little sore.  Swallowing is not really what I want to be doing alot of (just feels strange), so maybe I will lose some of the last pesky pounds, ha!  Yawning has proven to be the most uncomfortable action yet- it totally does not feel good.

Praying for benign results.  Lord, have mercy!

PS.  What do you think of my new template?  I felt like I deserved a treat after today, and I am currently addicted to Etsy, and I found some great ones here!  It was a BREEZE to install, and I'm loving it!

It's a.... townhouse for sale!

I know I've not posted in over a month, but we have been busting our tails updating our townhouse in Northern Virginia... if anyone is in the market for one, it's walking distance to the new Metro line and it is an awesome space.  Email me for details!

(PS.  Nothing else is new- Mr. A went out with his buddies tonight because every other Friday night in Oct he has been up at the "new place" as M calls it, and we have been joining him most of the Saturdays.  It's made for quite the month, and we are praying for a great buyer who will be very happy there!)

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

::Crickets::

Tee Jay left me a sweet comment to ask how we were doing, and I just have to oblige her and post real quick that we are all doing great!

M is 11 months old in a couple days, and she is AWESOME.  Hubby just got his pilot's license, and we went up in his plane on Friday after work, and it is SO COOL!!  M loved it, too.  Dogs are good :)  Work is really busy, and I wish I could just win the lottery already.  Our nanny has been with us since I went back to work in January, and I hope she stays with us until Maryanne goes to school...

My sister is due with her baby in 5 weeks.  Holy camoley.  Her shower was a huge success (or maybe instead of winning the lottery, can I just quit my real job and start a party planning business?), and I was so happy that so many people gave her such useful things.  She has still not asked me that much about my go at labor/delivery/motherhood, but I've given some unsolicited musings here and there, and I think I've accepted that that's going to be pretty much it unless actually having the baby jump starts a desire to see what's worked for her big sister.

As far as if they're excited, they are not as excited as we were (not sure if that is possible, though), but I think they are going to do okay.  Hubby and I and Maryanne hung out with them this afternoon, and we had a very enjoyable time, and they are both really cute/adoring to M.  It is so funny because all the time we don't hear from them or see them for a long time, we kind of build them up to be unsocial/unfriendly/uninterested in family members, but usually when we get together, we have a really nice time.

And speaking of seeing them, maybe the stars are thinking aligning because they want to get together with us for dinner this coming weekend, and she suggested that she and I get ice cream in a couple weeks the morning before her doctor's appointment.  I about fell off my chair.  Could it be possible that I might actually start to see her regularly?!?  How awesome would that be.

AND.

She is not going back to work after their baby comes.  I, of course, work from home full time, but because I work from home, I have a ton of flexibility in my hours.  Can you imagine all the fun things we can do together, with the kiddos?!?!  I don't exactly know how they crunched the numbers to make living on his salary doable, but apparently they did, and I just hope they were honest with themselves as far as their expenses go.  But all in all, given the recent improvement in the frequency of our get togethers, I am actually a little bit optimistic we will get to be mamas together, after all.

But enough about my sister ;-)

I'm still breastfeeding, although I think M is sort of self-weaning a bit- we are down to 2 times a day.  I got my first period post-baby almost a month ago, and raise your hand if you think we'll get a BFP this time?  Hahahahahahaha.  I am returning to acupuncture and taking my vitamins again, so we'll see.  At this point, we're just doing "general health/balance" treatments, and as much as I say at this point that I don't want to "try" as hard as last time, if we're not pregnant by December, I might ask her to do some more fertility-focused points.  We would both be 100% happy if our family is forever the three of us, so let's be clear about that!!

I really need to find time to return to yoga or running or something.  Just like 30 minutes a day.  It shouldn't be that hard!!!  I've been back in my normal clothes for a long time, I just feel like if I tried, I could be even smaller.  Smaller is relative, of course, I would still not be a size 4 or 6 :-P

Okay, I'm sure this is info overload.  I want so badly to keep up with this, I really do.  I promise not to let it sit untended for another 3 months ;-)  Leave a comment and tell me how you're doing!!  I read all your blogs while I'm nursing, so I'm pretty current on y'all, but it'd be great for you to say hi if you're still reading :)

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)

Last year, today

A year ago today we got the first positive test of our lives- the first indication that our little baby was on the way. It's a day I'll never ever forget :)

So many new moms with new babies are posting so much lately, and I feel like I am such a lame new-mom blogger. When do you guys take a shower or clean up the kitchen or make your bed?! Haha. I have so much I want to tell everyone- or just document for the sake of remembering- but I feel like I barely have time to read how everyone is doing, much less write a coherent update of my own.

In a nutshell, Maryanne is doing awesome. She smiles and coos so much, and it just makes me melt. I can't believe that she is here- we are beyond lucky and blessed. Our nanny is great, and even when Maryanne is a little fussy, she is patient and loving. The one thing that seems to calm Maryanne down any time is reading books. I love that she loves to "read". We are still loving cloth diapering- prefolds and covers mainly, but we are just getting into using some fitteds and all in ones. We are exclusively breastfeeding, and it is also going great. With all the breastfeeding trouble we had in the beginning, I would never have guessed that it would be going this well at this point. She is no longer content to sit in her bouncy seat while we're eating- she likes to sit on my knee and watch us eating- if we are reading the paper, she will reach and grab for it, as if she needs to read it, too.

The one thing we are (I am) still struggling with is dinner. Mr. A does not like the texture of crock pot meals, and I have tried some new recipes lately that he has not liked at all. I am trying so hard to balance everything and cook like I used to, but it just doesn't work out very well alot of times. Mr. A always apologizes whenever he lets his criticism get a little too far, but it is hard to hear anyway, because of course I want to be able to feed him good, homecooked food that he likes. I know he is adjusting, too, in his own way, and we are being patient and forgiving with each other as we grow together as a family.

But no matter what, we are so grateful for the little girl we found out about one year ago today. We wouldn't trade her for anything, and we are so excited to see what this next year holds for the three of us!!

Almost drowned in Christmas

I should be sorting laundry or putting away Christmas decorations or, heck, eating breakfast or going back to bed- things I can't really do that well when M is awake, but I wanted to get some reflections on "paper" about our first Christmas as a family of three.

Bottom line, there were many days when I was sure that I would be swallowed up by the preparations of Christmas this year. M is not a very good napper now that she is "older", and when she is awake, of course all I want to do is play with her, so that doesn't make for good conditions for a decorated house or perfectly wrapped gifts. Or Christmas cookies. Or anything else that I would have finished in the second week of December any other year of my life.

Because this year I was a little distracted by an amazing blessing. And I wouldn't trade her for any timely decorations or Christmas cookies.

But I felt a little guilty. It's her first Christmas after all, and isn't it supposed to be perfect? Don't tell her, but we didn't even wrap her gifts from us. (The ones from her aunts/uncles/grandparents were wrapped, of course.) As we were bleary-eyed wrapping one night at 10pm, we couldn't see the point in wrapping gifts that we would be unwrapping for her a week later. She didn't know the difference, right?

We never made it to take her to see Santa. We forgot to take a picture of the three of us in our Christmas outfits (we remembered while she still had her dress on, but we had already gotten into jeans..).

But it all came together. Mr. A helped out alot more than he has ever helped before, and I couldn't have done it without him. We had a nice time visiting his family, and everyone was very thoughtful with their gifts.

It is hard to believe Christmas is already "over", but deep down I am sort of glad. There is so much outside pressure for everything to be perfect, and it was a little overwhelming for me as a new mom. I think it ended up being perfect in its own way, and that's what I'm going to hang onto, not feeling guilty because it wasn't more perfect by someone else's standards.

Because after all, she is a perfect gift to our family, and she is worth celebrating every day of the year :)

Some humor

Last night, I had made Asian Chicken in the crock pot, and luckily it was all ready to go because Maryanne was hungry when we were! So I was over in the armchair feeding her while Mr. A was eating and reading the comics. All of a sudden, he burst into hilarious laughter. He brought the paper over to me so I could see this comic:

Dinner, Interrupted

So I find I am struggling in one area. Well, it is an adjustment for both Mr. A and I, but I feel responsible, even if that's not really true.

Dinnertime used to be part of our day we looked forward to- it was when we sat together and read the paper and talked about our days and other random things. I never used to do much prep work prior to getting home from walking the dogs (630ish), but somehow I still managed to cook a meal from scratch by 7 or 730 at the latest on most days.

Now, after we get home from walking the pups, it seems like there is a black hole for the escape-ment (is that a word?) of all time and order. Maryanne inevitably needs feeding or just to be held, which we are so thankful that she is here and needing our attention; it is a huge change from dinnertime routine we've been used to for the last 9 years. I can't for the life of me get my butt in gear to cook like I used to (yet), and as ungrateful as it sounds, the meals that have been brought to us have been kind of disappointing, as far as flavor and quality go.

I think I am doing pretty good as a mom, but I can't shake the guilt that I'm failing as a wife.

Mr. A tries hard to be patient and understanding, but it's just who he is- let his blood sugar drop below a certain level, and even if you try your hardest to gussy-up the weird looking roasted chicken someone brought you and make it into chicken salad and put it on a sad looking kaiser roll (because even though you have bread, you a worried that the mouse went in the toaster, so you are on a toaster boycott), he is not going to be able to veil his disgust.

Which will make you feel like crap because you couldn't come up with a better dinner.

I am not posting this to complain about his reaction to dinnertime lately (so please don't everyone leave comments that he's a jerk or something- he is an amazing husband and dad to our little girl- no one is perfect!), I am posting it to ask for help and advice on how other people make dinnertime calm and peaceful and successful as far as the atmosphere, and as far as quickly getting decent meals on the table for their family.

My other half

(Mr. A)

I am pretty sure that at one point or another, nearly every infertile wife will say or write (or at least think) that there is no way she could survive infertility without her husband. At least that would be my prayer for all infertile women (if we have to be infertile), that we would all be blessed with amazing husbands- I cannot even imagine going through the struggles of longing for a baby without the support of Mr. A.

He is is a problem-solver like me, but in a more man-problem-solving way. All throughout our journey to conceive, no matter what stumbling blocks we hit, he remained objectively focused on our desire to expand our family. Even when I'd be emotional and wishy-washy, he never stopped believing that we would welcome a baby here someday, and he was going to do whatever it took to get to the bottom of whatever mysterious issue was preventing us from conceiving.

But even as he was strong and steadfast and held his vision for us, I tried to remind myself that it wasn't all about me; he wanted to be a dad, too, and even though lots of times, he didn't let it affect so much of his life, like I did. But he knew the pain of infertility, too. But sometimes, in the throws of infertility, it was easy to forget that he felt the stress and longing and anticipation, too.

And as he was encouraging me the other night when I was freaking out about stupid little things talking about how annoyed I was, I had sort of a flashback to last fall and all the times when I ended up so absorbed in my own infertility journey that I forgot he was going through it, too, with me.

He's about to become a dad. Something he's always wanted. But not something he is taking lightly. He is already the hardest-working person I have ever known in my life, but I can tell that now, all his work and time away and job and responsibilities are starting to be in a new light in his mind. It won't be just work or a paycheck anymore- it will be a way for our family to thrive and grow together and be happy.

No pressure! While I am rambling on about the wooly bushes in our front yard, he reminds me that he's been having a crazy time at work right now, too, and it's not just me who's feeling pulled in all different directions.

Humility check!

I am so grateful for the perspective that he brings to our marriage and to our life- all our journey together-, and how he strives to provide the best life imaginable for us. How even when he has stupid days at work, if he gets home and I'm being fussy about whatever silly thing (which I promise is not that often), he will selflessly let me fuss until I remember that maybe I should ask how he is doing.

He is going to be an awesome dad. Last night, when we went to sleep, Maryanne was moving like CRAZY. She is so low and I guess running out of room, so her movements were really powerful! I was loving it, and I whispered to him that she was going nuts. I think he thought it was making me uncomfortable (it wasn't really, I was just keeping him posted), because he rolled over and started rubbing my bump, and he goes "Sssssh, sweetie, it's okay..."

It was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. (And, can I just say, she quieted down! Wow! I told him he was in charge of bedtimes!!!) I just laid there smiling for a while. I am so lucky.

So no matter if you are still in the trenches of infertility or if you are preparing to welcome a baby into your house or if you are parenting a little one, don't forget your other half. They are walking beside you through this journey, too, even if you feel like some days it's all on your shoulders. Don't forget to consider their feelings when things are tough, and don't forget to rejoice together when things are great!

Uncool

(Update from post this morning- see below)

Good (cool) news: Mr. A encouraged me to go to my yoga class and call the repair place on the way. (I was fretting, what if I called, and they said they could only come at 10:30? He said, don't worry about it, just tell them you won't be home till the afternoon. Love that he puts my sanity ahead of all the condiments that may or may not have to be replaced....) AND, it was a great yoga class. The other girl who is also 39 weeks (gah, still can't believe I'M 39 weeks!!) was also there, and we are hoping that we are cuddling our babies by this time next Tuesday morning. AND, after class, we went to this cupcake place and got cupcakes for a treat. So fun :) I am glad that I took Mr. A's advice and went to yoga because....

Bad (uncool) news: The earliest the fridge people can come out is tomorrow between 1-6pm!!! Wow. Definitely thankful we have our chest freezer, and definitely hoping it doesn't crap out, too. Trying to figure out how we can eat at home (without relying on takeout for every meal) because they said depending on the part required, it might be MONDAY before it is fixed. That's right. Like, the day before Maryanne is due. Oh well, trying to roll with the punches here!! (The cupcake that I got after yoga is helping....it is REALLY good!)

But overall, feeling WAY better today and not really annoyed at anything right now. It would be sort of hilarious (in retrospect, I'm sure) if she was born in the next few days and we had a houseful of company with no refrigeration capabilities.

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

Insert foot....

Had another good midwife appointment this morning! After that random high blood pressure week, it is down again this week (as it was last week). I guess it was just a fluke or something!

Mr. A was so excited to share the name of baby girl. He just couldn't wait any longer!! So even though I wanted it to be a surprise, I feel like I should honor his excitement and had him share with our families!!

Basically, we combined our moms' names for her first name, and used my Grandma's (who just passed away in July) middle name as her middle name. All in all, her name is very traditional and feminine, and her middle name is kind of an older one that you don't hear often anymore. Her first two initials are MH. So far, out of everyone who has responded (most people), only one person has acted like they totally did not like it. (Even Mr. A's brothers said it sounded pretty!)

When I emailed this person her name today, I was all excited to share it with her because I'd just talked to her on Saturday and she was wanting to know. She said that her vote would be for something traditional.

What does she email back today?

"Joke will be on you when I call her M for the next 10 years!"

Um.

I don't get it. That is her name!

Hahaha. Awkward!!!

We exchanged a few more email "conversations" where she asked "who is H?", and "how did you come up with M? random?". She never said anything about liking it or anything!

I was really surprised. Have to say it kind of stunk to field her reaction, and I know that all that matters is that we like the name, but I am just so glad that everyone else we've told loves it!! Even Mr. A's mom who has been decidedly and unpredictably disinterested in the pregnancy said that she liked the name and was honored that we used her name in baby girl's first name. Good PR move by us, huh? Haha. It wasn't just for PR though- Mr. A first came up with the idea, and we love her first name!

So anyway, I am not sure how my next interaction with my friend will go. It was so awkward after how she responded at first! Luckily, I don't actually see her that often, so maybe it won't be weird by whenever I see her next.

But whatever! Cat's outta the bag, and we are excitedly looking forward to the day when M comes out to play!

Preparations (type-A heaven)

This post will probably be boring or totally hilarious to those of you fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants'ers, but I have had alot of fun preparing for this baby, and luckily, there are only a few things on my list that are not completed. I am feeling great, and I think it is helping me to feel very calm about the "any day now" baby birthing that is ahead of me.

So here goes :)

Here was my "Before the Baby" list:
set up downstairs changing area
order more wipe solution
buy witch hazel @ the drugstore
finish prepping AIO's
fix roof (totally new roof getting put on second week of Oct!)
pack hospital bag
talk to neighbors about dog care
unpack car seat, pack n' play, bouncer
make freezer meals
organize/label linen closet
clean out car
install car seat
clean off kitchen bench
write house manual
make a list of favorite recipes
make housekey copies
clean vacuum filters
clean the house (thank you, cleaning crew!)
organize freezers
buy vegetarian something for Great Aunt B
reorganize family room shelves

(And no arguing, Great Aunt B. You are not going to come here and have to eat celery while serving up delicious carnivore meals for my hubby (and me) (and whoever else is here)... There WILL be boca burgers for you, if I have to make a special trip before we go to the hospital....)

It has been really fulfilling to cross things off this list. I just went this morning and got some last minute things at the store, and I think I won't have to make another trip before M comes, as long as she is not overdue. That is so exciting for me!

Today has been really great. I slept kind of awful on Thursday night thanks to my runny nose, but last night I slept SO much better. We had a light breakfast, and then I went to run some errands- grocery store, Target (cotton skirt for laboring, hooks to hang up brooms/mops in laundry room), the bulk store, and the farm. I've changed our sheets, done 4 loads of laundry, hung all then hanging clothes up, and folded and put away all the other clothes. In between all this, I talked to one of my friends for about half an hour while eating lunch, and laid down and got my fill of the Saturday Food Network lineup. Now we are just waiting on Mr. A to get home from his pilot training. I'm making sloppy joe's for dinner- a double batch so I can freeze what's leftover for when M is here!!!

And speaking of FOOD, I've prepared 10 items (including sloppy joe's tonight) for the freezer that will hopefully come in handy when M is here. I made them all last week, and while there was one day that was kind of hectic (I made the pulled pork and enchiladas in the same day), it all came together kind of quick! Here is the list

Chili
Meatballs (30) (for subs or pasta)
Enchiladas (9x13 pan)
Pulled BBQ Pork
Sloppy Joes
Pizza Crusts (4)
Meatloaf (2)
Hamburgers (10)
Honey Garlic Chicken
Cooked (roasted) Chicken (enough for 3 meals: Chicken Pot Pie, Chicken Salad Sandwiches, Almond Chicken Bake)

I made double batches of chili, enchiladas, and sloppy joes (tonight), and froze whatever we didn't eat for dinner. All of the other things were specially prepared just for the freezer. I thought it would seem like more work than it was, making totally extra dinners, but it wasn't too bad at all. This is my first foray into freezer cooking- I hope we will like the results!!!

I did actually write up some "Kitchen Info" and "Laundry Info" for visitors when they are here, including the location of key items, and what foods are in which freezer (kitchen or garage). I hope it will help. I am sure that Mr. A's mom will still be totally befuddled as to where the chemical-laden Dow.ny is (we just use vinegar for fabric softener), and I'm sure that someone will put my sharp knives in the dishwasher, but I'm going to have to let it go. This whole having people stay at my house and not be totally in charge of making everyone comfortable will be a huge departure from my normal hostess self, but maybe my type-A personality could use a little rounding at the edges ;-) For now though, I am grateful for it- I am feeling totally relaxed and happy and ready/excited/hopeful for labor to start so we can all meet M!

the dad thing to do

(Warning, grossness ahead.)

So last night , Mr. A and I took the pups for our normal evening walk. It was not even that hot- a nice, mild sunny evening. We came home, and he wanted hot dogs for dinner, which is nice because that's easy and I'd been cooking meatballs and pulled pork in the afternoon to freeze for when M is here, so something easy/quick was just what I was looking for, too.

But their virtue of quickness also was their downfall, I think. Because they're so quick, dinner was on the table probably less than 20 minutes after we got home. We also had carrot sticks which are also really quick-prep.

We sat right down to eat, and as I was finishing my hot dog, I got that feeling that something wasn't right. I did NOT feel good. I knew what was coming, and I stood up to see if stretching out my torso would help. Didn't really help. I opened the back door to step onto the deck to see if fresh air would help. If I had known it would not help, I would have gone the other direction into the bathroom, but instead, 3 seconds after I stepped outside, I lost 100% of my dinner onto the deck. I guess at least I wasn't still in the kitchen.

I think it was just too much food too fast for my crowded stomach so soon after our walk. I felt kind of bad because of the huge mess on the deck. I knew that it would have to be cleaned up (hosed off) immediately, and that Bert would (disgustingly) still go foraging for any scent of dinner that he could find when we let them out to play after dinner.

Mr. A has a pretty sensitive stomach when it comes to gross things- smells, especially (and the other big one is thought of eating quiche)- his family teases him endlessly about the "I'm about to throw up face" he made one time we were all staying at a cute B&B and they served some kind of quiche/baked egg dish- and I knew he probably had to run into my office to keep from watching me lose a hot dog and some carrot sticks outside. As I was finishing up getting rid of dinner, I heard him coming around the side of the house. I warned him not to come up on the deck, for fear he would lose his dinner, too.

But what is he doing? He is hooking up the hose to the spigot. He is getting ready to clean off the deck. He is saying, it's alright, why don't you go inside and brush your teeth and get some water. He is saying, I will clean this up.

I was floored!! He cleaned up the whole deck without even making his upchuck face, and he kept assuring me it was okay and it's too bad I got sick.

Some women get that warm fuzzy feeling when their husbands bring them roses or make them dinner. What strikes complete admiration into my heart? What Mr. A did last night and knowing that he is going to continue to be an amazing caring husband and will be awesome dad to baby M, even if it means cleaning up messes on the deck that would have sent him running to the hills a few months ago....

Relief

37 weeks tomorrow, folks. Holy camoley.

We are so excited that it is getting to the point where M could come at any time!! The last few days have had several overwhelming there-is-so-much-to-do-before-then moments, though. Those aren't so fun. But Mr. A and I are a good enough team that even if things get a little tense, we just chock it up to the immediacy of the situation, and move on. We are not the most lovey-dovey-PDA couple on the planet, but we are an AMAZING team, and if there is something we need to accomplish together, you better believe we're going to knock it out of the park.

After my last midwife appointment with the high blood pressure issue, I was kind of nervous about this morning's checkup. Especially since, like I said, there were a few times this weekend when I was not exactly calm or collected.

But I practiced some yoga for just about 15 minutes before I got ready to go. Because the midwife last time had indicated that I should be prepared to go to the hospital if any of my subsequent appointments revealed a situation which warranted going, I printed out the dog documents for people who are helping us with the pups when it comes time to meet M, and I printed out the kitchen info sheet that has all our freezer stock lists and favorite recipes and what all freezer meals are going to be available for eating. (Yes, I'm type-A. I'm going to do a post on the meal situation soon!) I got my hospital bag, and said bye to the pups. Who knew when I'd be home again!

Mr. A met me at the office. It was so nice for him to come with me this time (he couldn't make it last time). We talked about how excited he is to be almost done with his lessons to get his pilot's license. We talked about buying a little plane for our family (you know, when we win the lotto). I took some more deep blood-pressure-lowering breaths.

They called me back, and much to my surprise, I've actually lost three pounds in the last 10 days. I hear that sometimes that happens before delivery. Yay! There was no protein in their urine screening. AND, my blood pressure was 130/80!!! Absolute best news of the day. My midwife was going to have me re-do the 24-hr urine catch just to make sure nothing was amiss, but she decided against it because the results from the one last weekend were within the normal range, but mostly because my blood pressure went back down, I have no signs of swelling/water retention, and their urine sample was free of protein. YAY.

I am so relieved, it's hard to describe. I am totally ready to meet M, but I want her to be good and ready and healthy when she comes!! Tomorrow I will be full term, but I'm okay if she bakes another week or two. Just so she decides to come before someone makes her...

And, even though my midwife said that she is very pleased with the blood pressure decrease, she still wants me to take it easy. So I got a note from her that I need to work half days. Since apparently my office is going to treat me like I'm in third grade, I was very excited to get my "hall pass" and you better believe I've already emailed it to my boss and updated my voicemail and email signature and calendar to reflect my reduced-hour schedule.

So, after 1pm, you will find me catching up with friends, cooking meals for when M is here and we want something quick, or watching the afternoon lineup of fo.od network. Better get the lazy days out of the way before there is a baby in my arms!! After all the angst of the last week or so, today is a very very welcomed breath of fresh air.

Mr. Clean

I mean, Mr. A. It seems as though he is going through his own little nesting phase.

On Sunday after lunch, he went to use the downstairs bathroom and came right back out again, visibly distraught that the toilet seat had some specks of discoloration on it.

It was so "disgusting" that he picked up his keys immediately and went straight to the store to get rubber gloves and a bottle of clorox. And then spent 2 hours cleaning only the toilet area of the half bathroom, including behind and under the toilet and IN THE TOILET TANK, including another trip to the home improvement store to get a new toilet seat because he declared the existing one unsalvageable.

Now let's back up a little.

First of all, I promise there was no epidemic of black mold infesting the toilet seat. Which you may have thought there was, based on his reaction to it.

I do my absolute best to keep up with the household cleaning, although I admit I would rather bake you brownies or make pasta from scratch or do ANY cooking before I would like to dust the baseboards. AND I use natural cleaning products that I do think are effective, but let's face it, they're not bleach. (Although I do use clorox's disposable head toilet bowl cleaners...)

But of course the time between bathroom cleanings is probably a tad longer than exactly desirable, even though I definitely clean them before it gets dangerous or completely gross. I promise. But even when I do clean the bathrooms, I don't normally scrub behind the toilet. Do you? I am I a worse housekeeper than I thought??

So I do my best to clean up here and there, including swiffering before all the dog hair on the wood floors makes it look like we have carpet, and wiping down the sinks and toilets and showers on a fairly regular basis. And I keep the kitchen pretty sparkly, although the microwave is another story, and I don't always shake out the toaster crumbs.

But when Mr. A gets a bee in his bonnet about cleaning, you better watch out. The last time he cleaned the kitchen, he took the knobs off the stovetop and cleaned them and behind them. And then with the recent cleaning of the toilet that involved a whole new seat.....

So he has come to the conclusion that we need to hire someone to come clean our house once a week.

*I hang my head in shame*

I can't tell you how ineffective this makes me feel. He says I shouldn't take it personally, but I am feeling this suggestion of his very personally.

I work from home, for pete's sake! Why can't I handle this in an acceptable manner? I mean, why can't I just keep this place spic-and-span with a few minutes of cleaning per day?

He says that that is the point. I do work, full time, from home, and while maybe I keep "up" with the cleaning by doing a little here and there, the house isn't regularly fully and thoroughly cleaned. He says not to worry about it- my time is more valuable working than cleaning anyway, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. His mom had a cleaning service, after all.

But I guess that doesn't make me feel any better. His mom is not a domestic example in any sort of manner- no wonder she didn't want to clean her house! She didn't want to make things from scratch, either!

My mom never had to hire anyone. (Huge caveat, she was a stay at home mom. And she had four kids "who needed to learn how to clean". Haha.)

Mr. A says that if I didn't have a job, and my responsibilities were solely HOME related, maybe it would be different. So I said, well, whenever the baby comes, I will be off for several months, so I will be sort of a stay at home mom then. His response was that I will be caring for a newborn and two dogs, and that he thinks that that will be plenty without having me feel like I need to deep clean the house once a week. He said it is amazing that I do all the cooking that I do and all the laundry, too.

So tomorrow, we are getting an estimate on how much someone would charge to come in once a week. It's a huge blow to my domestic diva ego. But maybe it will be nice to not have to worry about it.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. A also declared that our kitchen trash can was also too dirty for existence. Yes, the trashcan! So now we have a spotless new white one. This baby is going to make our house the cleanest place on the planet!!

More Mind (Body) Games

You'd think after the 1-hr glucose test failure, and failing the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr (so technically being okay but of course still getting a complex about it), I'd learn to just let precautionary measures roll off my back without getting all in a tizzy.

Today (35w3d) my blood pressure was on the high side again (140/90), and so my midwife wants me to do the 24-hr urine test. She said their office urine test is completely negative for protein, and if I was in serious pre-eclampsia mode, it would definitely show up, so that is a good thing that their test was negative. Also, my belly measurements continue to be spot on, so she can tell the baby is growing that way, and even when she was checking the heartbeat, she could hear heartbeat accelerations when baby girl was moving and back to normal when she stopped, which she said is very healthy.

And she even told me not to go home and freak out, which of course is the most useless thing she has ever said to anyone on the planet.

So I got to walk out of the office with the embarrassing pee jug, which has taken up residence next to the tea jug in the fridge. I already warned Mr. A to be careful when refilling his glass after dinner...

It's just another instance of where all of a sudden I'm afraid/convinced of the bottom falling out. I'm afraid that the placenta is failing and that baby girl isn't getting the nutrients she needs, and I have convinced myself that at our next appointment, I'll have to be induced and the baby will get stressed out, and I'll have to have a c-section. (I really hope not to offend those who choose to have c-sections or were in a situation where they were necessary- but it is just my preference/dream to have a natural labor and delivery!)

I also had the Group-B strep test today, and so I have convinced myself that will also be positive, so even if I don't have to be induced, I won't get to labor as long as I want to at home because I will need antibiotics. Ugh.

She said it is completely possible that I just get subconsciously stressed on the days of my appointments and that is why it is high (last appointment it went down after I laid on my side a few minutes...but it didn't do that today... but of course by the end of my appointment, I was probably more stressed about all the urine collection info). I guess I hope that is the case- on my appointment days, I don't get to do yoga and the morning routine is just different, so maybe that is it. I don't know. I just want our baby to be healthy and getting what she needs. Why isn't my body cooperating?!?!

And then of course I say that, and I listen to Mr. A reassure me that out of all the procedures we tried that failed and even though I haven't passed every test this pregnancy with flying colors, this pregnancy has actually been pretty damn near perfect. I have been able to keep exercising, I'm not uncomfortable, baby girl looks perfect, and generally there have been zero serious complications, or any complications, since on paper, I passed the 3-hr glucose test. So really, maybe my body is cooperating more than I give it credit for, relative to what many moms go through for their little ones to be born. I stand corrected.

But it still stinks to go to the doctor and feel perfectly fine and get the news that you are not perfectly fine. No one wants to hear that.

So I am pretty much expecting that she will be here before her due date. Which sends me into a whole other mindset of needing to do eight gabillion things in the next week in case on the 12th, she will need to be born. Which of course Mr. A cautions me against getting all stressed out because of the blood pressure issue. Ha!

I will turn in my pee jug tomorrow morning at the hospital and get some bloodwork. They should have the results by tomorrow after dinnertime, and if there are any concerns, I will go in next week for an NST and an ultrasound to check the placenta and fluid levels. It would be cool to see our girl again before she is born, but I just hope she is healthy and happy in there and getting what she needs. I don't want to fail her now! I just keep praying God will bless her with a long and happy and healthy life with our family....

(ETA: You would think that after struggling with infertility, I would have learned that these test results are completely out of my control- just like infertility itself- but somehow, just like with infertility, I keep asking myself what I could have done better or why can't I do this right or what is wrong with me?)

Monday and Nursery Updates

Thank you everyone for praying for my requests!

Unfortunately, my friend's beta was 3.5 on Friday. She had taken some HCG booster shots during the LP, and she thinks that it was just residual. As far as I know, they won't be doing another beta. She turns 30 on Wednesday, and having turned 30 last year without a baby in my arms (or belly), I know how painful and heartbreaking that is. If you feel that way, please keep her in your prayers on Wednesday.

As for Mr. A's potential big change, it would have come in the form of a job switch. However, the way things have turned out, he will not be changing after all. While we were very excited for the potential switch (and to be honest, it may still happen in several months, depending on the circumstances), we totally recognize that we already have alot of change happening to us coming up, so we were nervous about adding something more. At the end of the day, we are both very grateful to have good jobs in this time when so many families are struggling with employment woes.

This past weekend, I worked alot on our little girl's room! Now that I have the closet cleaned out and an idea of where to put all the clothes and blankets and towels and diapers and onesies, I can start washing!!!! In fact, this morning I washed all the blankets, towels, and washcloths we received for our shower- they look so cute hanging on the clothesline, and I can't wait to fold everything!!

I took some pictures of the nursery this morning (without a flash, to show the natural light that comes in in the morning- the sun rises on the other side of the house, so it's very gentle light!). It is not 100% finished yet, but I feel like we made alot of progress this weekend!!


It is such an honor to prepare this room for this baby. I know I say this alot, but some days it is very hard to believe that we were finally blessed with a child. So many times, it seemed like we would never be parents. As I was cleaning out the room on Saturday, and whenever I am hanging baby laundry on the line, I pray for those of you who are still waiting to see how God will fulfill your heart's desire for a child. I also pray for those of us who are mothers that we will always strive to be the best moms we can be.

Prayer Requests

Thank you all for your amazing support on my last post! I'm feeling much better :) I'm loosely following the GD requirements/diet suggestions (even if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill), and so far so good. :) I also do think (even if it's just me rationalizing with myself) that baby girl had a growth spurt recently- she definitely feels longer/bigger these days when she is moving around and kicking and punching! So (maybe) that explains the extra weight last week or something.

If you have time in your prayer time today, maybe you could add the following ones to your list:

-My dear friend K is 16dpiui today and will test and/or go for a beta tomorrow. She has had some teeny spotting here and there, which is discouraging, but alot of her other symptoms seem very encouraging (some are very similar to mine at that point). Please storm heaven that there is a baby K along for the ride!!!

-Due to recent developments, there may be a big change for Mr. A coming up soon (in addition to the obvious baby girl). It would be sort of one of those "leaps of faith" where decisions are made based on the good of the person/family and not necessarily what looks best on paper. Please keep us in your prayers as we discern what is best for our family, especially with the upcoming arrival of baby girl!!