Return to Normalcy

It is quite a different lifestyle, the one with kids. Not to mention middle-to-high-school-age kids. All of whom are involved in a number of different sports and other activities. None of whom can drive by themselves (but one of whom is getting his license in 3 weeks). And one of whom has 3 older brothers and therefore needs to play "spa" 24 hours a day when there is another girl in the house.

But I think I fairly successfully did okay at being mom for 3 kids, ages 11-16, this weekend! I'm pretty sure everyone got where they needed to go, on time, and we still had time for some some hangin' out at home and a dinner out on Saturday night. My aunt and uncle must drive 100 miles a day dropping this person off, picking up someone else, dropping them off, and picking up the first person again! Ha!

I hope they all had a blast like I did- craziness (and leaving for swim practice at 615am on Saturday morning) aside, they are all generally great kids, and I was so glad to be able to be with them this weekend. The one lesson that I have learned is that I need to make all my kids be in the same sport...

I had told myself that I'd take this cycle (clomid #4) easy, and I thought our timing would be terrible, since I was away CD 10-12, but I just got my peak today (CD14), so we might actually have a fairly decent shot.

Speaking of shots, my follistim and HCG (Novarel) for next cycle is being shipped and should arrive tomorrow! Whoa. Never had to answer "Would you like a sharps box with your order?" before! Haha. I had to order them in advance because it takes about a week from the time my RE faxes them the Rx to the time it arrives, and Lord knows that I would be not so happy if I didn't have the meds on the day they wanted me to start them (about CD3?). It is a huge praise that my co-pay for these medications is pennies compared to what they actually cost, and you can count that I'm continually thankful for that blessing. I am a little confused on the dosage, but I'm sure that the RE will help me figure it out.

Well actually, let's be serious, I'm hoping that I don't need the next set of meds, you know? I would love to be able to donate them to my clinic for people who don't have the means to buy them...

We shall see what God has in store for this cycle. We are continuing to seek Him in this journey, knowing that His ways are not our ways!

(Becky, I would love to do a post about all those things you asked about- stay tuned!)

The Big 1-0-0

It is official, I can't think of anything great and earth-shattering for my 100th post! Ha! I am super busy today- trying to make sure the bread box is stocked and there are good things for Mr. A to eat while I'm sitting with my cousins this weekend. Also doing laundry so, you know, essentials don't run out. Oh yah. And working.

The one thing I did really reflect on this morning was how far I've come as far as reacting to CD1. I haven't been devastated since at least May or so! I'm sure it is a whole bunch of things as to why I am getting better, but I some of the big reasons are the spiritual growth that God has led in my life, the outlet that writing about infertility provides, and also the fact that I'm under the care of the RE! All of these things combine to really enhance my hope and faith that we will be welcoming our first little one in God's perfect timing. And all of these things combine to really give me a calm about sitting tight until then and trying to be positive about what I'm supposed to be doing/learning from what is happening to me right now.

I will probably not get a chance to post again until Monday or Tuesday, so until then, know that you're all in my prayers!

Nothing New

Feels like quite a while since I last posted, but I really appreciate your comments about my BIL! It totally isn't really my problem, but it was really neat to hear some of your perspectives. I'll let you know how they do, if I try some out!

We had a nice long weekend. Nothing super exciting- just a birthday cookout for one of Mr. A's coworkers yesterday, but I worked some comp time since I probably won't be working much on Friday when I'm taking care of my cousins. I was going to bring Banana, but there are so many things on the schedule that I think it would be stressful for her to be left alone in their (unfamiliar) house so many times per day.

I'm on CD7 and haven't had any clomid side effects to speak of. Like, none. I also discovered that I did have 5 monitor sticks left in the last box, but the box expired this month! What the heck! Have I been relying on sticks that are past their prime- about ready for the dumpster?!? The box I just got expires a year from next month...it's not like I had the last box for a year!!! Can I blame our lack of pregnancy on using almost-expired monitor sticks last month? Hahahahahaha!

I am almost beside myself excited for Building a Nest- she is pregnant using follistim injections!!!!!!! Obviously I would love God to bless our marriage with a child this cycle, but this gives me so much hope that He might specially bless our first follistim cycle, too. God, I beg you to turn Your face to us and bless us with a child...

Not much else going on here- kind of a rambly post- today one of my coworkers said to me "Isn't it amazing how the day after Labor Day feels so different?" I didn't really know what to say- it feels completely the same as last week to me! Ha! Okay, maybe it is a little cooler today, haha. I guess it feels different to him because he is teaching his daughter her first (homeschool) math lesson of the year today... (his wife teaches the other subjects)....

PS. I promise to get back to commenting on your blogs soon!!!

Delivery or Pickup?

I wish CVS had pharmacy delivery services.

No, apparently the drive through is not enough for my laziness today! I think the problem is that I ran out of my refills, so I can't just call in a refill. I guess I could call it in as a new prescription? Do they let you do that? I am so inexperienced!

But, I'd like delivery, please :)

And speaking of pickup, my BIL, let's call him K, is having serious girl issues. Or more correctly, serious lack of girl issues. Unlike my sisters and I, who would have already had multiple hour-long phone conversations with each other to get to the bottom of the relationship mishaps, Mr. A and his other brother maintain a (manly? macho?) "It's none of my business- I'm sure he'll figure it out" attitude. As a sister, I can't handle that.

So, I feel the need to help K out here. And apparently I am not as persuasive as I think I am. Or maybe K is just more stubborn (less confident?) than I knew.

K is very, and I mean very, serious. To the point that I'm pretty sure he must think I am 100% ditz because I talk about things like new dog collars and what to wear for Easter and what my dream car is and what turkey salad recipe is the best. He sees absolutely no point in small talk. If he doesn't have anything earth-shattering or mind-bending to say, he will just stand/sit there...in complete silence. (When I suggested that he could start out the conversation with asking about someone else's interests, he goes "I can't exactly go up to someone and say 'Have you heard about the latest cryptozoology finding?!', can I?" Um, well, no, I wouldn't really throw that out there right away to any random person you meet.....) I should also mention that he went to a military-type college (but is not in the military), so in combination with sitting in silence, he sits or stands in public at pretty close to military attention- very rigid and tense.

As you may imagine, this does not create the most relaxed or inviting impression for ladies who might otherwise be attracted to his good job or the sensitivity buried deep down or the persistence to do whatever it is that he's doing right. Because of his reserved and blank posture, girls can't figure out if he is nervous or having a bad time or just really stiff. I've never been on a date with him, but I imagine I would be trying to get him to loosen up the whole entire time.

I pleaded with Mr. A to talk to K about how he became such a charmer (haha), but Mr. A will not talk to him because he thinks it'll make K feel like an idiot. (And maybe that is a valid concern..) Instead, he got out a legal pad and wrote 2.5 pages of "Small Talk Training" (honestly, he wrote that at the top! So cute!) for me to relay to K. Okay, I guess I will accept the written outline as an attempt at helping his brother out here.

One of Mr. A's most adamant suggestions is that K should take a class at a local college. Not like it has to be the hardest class, but just something to get K into a regular classroom (remember, he went to a military college...not like normal college) where if you get there early, you chat with the other people...you work in groups and talk that way, etc etc etc. I think it is a great suggestion, and I was looking forward to relaying it to K. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: I was thinking about it, and maybe you should sign up for a class! School creates a really social atmosphere, with the talking before/after class and projects and stuff. It might help you become more comfortable with talking to random people!
K: A, I must be the only person who goes to a place for that specific purpose. I go to the gym to work out, not to make new running partners. I go to school to learn, not to talk the whole time. I go to work to work, not waste away my day in the hall.

Um. Crap.

K is resistant to all of a sudden become this outgoing talkative guy because he feels like he shouldn't have to change who he is to date someone. Which I totally agree with. (I'm not even sure he could become an outgoing talkative guy, if he wanted to, honestly.) But I tried to package my suggestions so they would be more like just polishing who he is so that other people could see, too. I don't think he is convinced. He told me at the end that he's just going to not worry about it and do whatever feels natural to him.

Have you ever had a friend/relative in this situation? Was the only option e-har.mony? Haha...

Consequence

Haha, I have figured out the first consequence of my Choose Life license plates. I can't tail someone in front of me on the highway in the left lane going 60mph anymore!!! Hahahahaha!! I don't think it really enhances the message if, after I go full steam ahead by them (once they move over, after entirely too long of not noticing me in their rear view mirror, of course), they see that Miss Impatience behind them also wants them to choose life. Ha!

***

Thanks for all your comments on my last post! Mr. A and I talked about it last night, and since I'm not having any particularly bad side effects (praise God!), he would like to see me take the clomid again, and since we get reimbursed for the monitor sticks from my health savings account, he sees no reason I shouldn't just go get a box. He has really surprised me lately by being very proactive about getting us one (or more, haha) of those kiddo things. Okey doke, I say!

Recap- clomid 1-3

Aaaaaaaaaand it's CD1 for me. And the Duggar's are pregnant with #19, and let's not forget their grandchild due next month. REALLY???

Some reflections...

My RE gave me another prescription for clomid this cycle, since I won't be available for monitoring with follistim. Keep in mind I also need more monitor sticks. Also keep in mind that if this cycle doesn't work, we'll try follistim in October. Do I really have to pay $50 for 30 monitor sticks when I'm only going to use 10 (u/s monitoring with follistim)? They should really have some lower-quantity packages. On the other hand, I'm half considering not even taking the clomid. The RE said that 80-something% of people who are going to get pregnant on clomid do so in the first 3 months. That bumps up to 90-something% after 4 clomid cycles. I guess a 10% increase is nothing to squawk at, but clearly the statistics are not in my favor. Maybe I'll take clomid and not use my monitor. Or maybe I'll be a real rebel and not do either! *Gasp!!* But then I think I would be worried that my progesterone would return to the dungeon. What would you do?

Not that I had any glaring pregnancy symptoms last cycle, but I am just frankly surprised that clomid didn't work in the first three tries. Of course their published success rate is 45%, which is obviously not 100%, so this is what I get for being in denial about the 55% chance of failure. It's crazy though- I am obviously textbook regular (e.g., last cycle: ovulated cd15, 14-day LP with no spotting, normal flow first thing this morning) with no other complications (low progesterone notwithstanding)- my sister's friend has wild PCOS, and it worked for her on month #3!!! Guess who will be spending some googling time this morning looking for clomid #4 successes? Hmm....

This development easily reminds me that I'm not in control, and neither is anyone who takes any medicine for any condition. We pray and pray that xzy medicine will work, but there are no guarantees, except that God is the Ultimate Healer and one day we will be healed for all eternity. Perhaps clomid isn't what God will use to heal me- maybe it will be follistim or maybe it will be grace to follow another path. It sure seems like all of the things we've done during ttc haven't worked, but I pray I have responded in a way that God would have me respond- God is using each thing, each day, and each struggle for something. Maybe it seems to me like we've failed on clomid (and maybe ttc-wise, we have), but I must not forget about what other blessings have come from clomid. God knows exactly what He's going to use to bring children into our life, and it is up to me to trust Him until He brings those tools into our life. Not that He's holding out on me or anything (I really don't believe that), but He has other things for me to accomplish in the meantime. Who knows what those are, but it is up to me to seek His face through all of this. And that is what I prayed for this morning: Lord, show me Your face!!!!

During our pre-shift prayer on Monday, another volunteer prayed something I thought was very powerful. It wasn't about anything related to me, but I thought it was very applicable to almost any situation we find ourselves in. She said something like,

"God, You can't make (name) seek You and actively participate in Your plan, but come into her heart and allow her to know that the things that are happening to her are part of Your will for her life. Bless her with the grace to see the troubles in her life as an opportunity to seek You and how You would have her react to her circumstances."

Isn't that a great thought? I know it seems a little off-putting to say that infertility is what God wills for my life (that's not very nice, Mr. Lord), but at this point, let's get real, I think it's the truth. (Please Lord, not forever!) God can't make us turn to Him. He can't make us want to live out His will for us at this point with as much gusto as if we were 35 weeks pregnant. But what we are going through is part of His will for us- not because we are a flimsy sticky note buried under 5 notebooks of more urgent prayer requests on His desk. I pray He will bless us with the grace to use these troubles to really seek His face and to turn the focus of what we are lacking to how we can use our struggles to glorify God!

Parmesean Turkey Meatloaf

Here is my recipe! I think it is awesome :) Mr. A had seconds, too!! (It doesn't matter that he said that A1 and mustard were both required as toppings, does it? Haha! Obviously I didn't think anything was needed!)

(adapted a little bit from actual recipe in WW New Co.mplete Cookbook)

1 onion, finely chopped
1.25 lbs ground turkey
1 cup of bread crumbs (I used seasoned)
1/2 cup of milk
1 egg, beaten
2 Tbs grated parmesean cheese (you could use more if you wanted a more cheesy taste)
1 tsp minced fresh garlic
1 Tb of fresh basil (1/2 tsp dried)
1/4 tsp pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350F; spray a casserole dish with nonstick spray.
2. Mush all ingredients together. Shape into loaf and transfer to the dish.
3. Bake for about 1 hour. Let it stand for about 10 minutes. Slice up. Scarf down.

Happy eating!!!