Grab Bag

Guess what? I had to pee at 3am this morning. oooOOOOooo! Haha!

It has been a rainy, on-the-chillier-side morning, so much so that Banana didn't want to finish (or barely start) her walk, so we came home, saw Mr. A off to work with his coffee, and read/napped together on the couch for a while before I gravitated to my workstation. She is now laying with her head on my foot- so freakin cute!!

My honeymoon-baby friend responded to an email from another of us mentioning the flooding in GA, and she commented that there are probably going to be alot of babies born 9 months from now. My reaction this morning bordered on apathetic disgust/disbelief. Despite the fact that my good friend wrote this and despite that I'm longing to have this happen to me, with or without a natural disaster, I can't believe that people (in general) are so flippant about statistics like this that it's almost comical to them. It's like putting reproduction in the same category as "prices for oranges will be up this year due to the hurricane". What happens to the couple who has been desperately trying for kids for 3 years who happens to become pregnant this month? How do they respond when they are lumped in with all the ne'er-do-well's who were simply holed up without anything else to do, so they just decided to hop in the sack (and of course, successfully conceived!!). I'm not really upset about it, I just think that it's sad that the miracle of creation gets watered down so much that it becomes a joke to some people.

Off my soap box! (I have always wanted to say that- but what is a soap box anyway? Ha!)

As for a cycle update, I'm 9dpo, and this morning when I woke up for real, I thought, "only 4 more days"...it might be 5, who knows. I have been true to myself as far as not dwelling on what, if anything, I specifically feel, especially since I've felt it all before and it's never meant anything. That has made this 2ww pretty easy so far. So I am thankful for that! A special congrats to Baby Hungry who just got her BFP this morning on cycle 1 of clomid- she gets switched to the "Baby Bump" category (did you notice I sectioned my blog list?)- I can't wait until there are more Baby Bumps than not!!!

No big plans for the weekend- I think it's supposed to rain again tomorrow, but I am loving the fall temps and would love to just curl up with my book for a few hours!! Maybe I'll make dough for cinnamon rolls for breakfast tomorrow...

Thankful for Infertility?

While I'm Waiting had this great post yesterday, and I thought, "What a great idea! I should try it myself." In turn, I challenge the rest of you, too! Come on... DO IT!!!!

Top 15 Reasons I'm thankful for Infertility

15. I have heard that babies add like a load of laundry per day. Luckily, with infertility, I only have to do 3 loads of clothes on Saturday morning, and a load of towels and sheets during the week!

14. Since there's no baby in the nursery yet, it's one less bedroom I feel guilty about not vacuuming on a regular basis...

13. I believe that God called me to begin volunteering at the pregnancy center using the extreme awareness of the preciousness of life that has been built by infertility. I'm not sure I would have answered/responded to the call to volunteer without the journey He's led me on.

12. Infertility has provided me with a wealth of experience (emotional, physical, spiritual) with dealing with the struggle of infertility, that some say 11% of couples will experience, but with struggle in general. I hope I'll be able to use this experience in the rest of my days to comfort others who are struggling with any hardship, especially infertility.

11. The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more sick leave I can save for maternity leave!! (We don't have paid maternity leave.) Right now, I have almost 14 weeks saved!!!! (Maybe I should save some for the next maternity leave...oh wait... hahahahha!)

10. Infertility has bestowed upon me a sensitivity for all-things-pregnancy that I never would have had without this journey. I used to scoff (not externally) at pregnant women (okay, sometimes I still do) because I assumed that it happened easily for them. Well, genius, if 11% of couples struggle with infertility, there is a good chance that that pregnant lady knows what it's like to try and try and try.... This also extends to rudely asking other couples/girls who are of childbearing age about their reproductive plans- definitely don't do that anymore!

9. I would have never believed it, but infertility has allowed me to begin to repair my relationship with my mom. She has been a wonderful support since I told her last November, and I can't wait to announce to her that she's going to be a Grandma. In other areas, I think it's helped her realize that people might be struggling with something that they're not telling her, so it's best to reign in the invasive questioning...

8. This time before baby has allowed us to become pretty solid financially. Not that money is everything, but I can't imagine how stressful it is to have a new baby and financial worries. I am thankful that Mr. A took great initiative and set up a tight, but doable, budget for our family in January 2009 that has allowed us to save much more this year than in past years.

7. Infertility has forced me to deal with my inclination toward impatience. Impatience while on this journey gets me nowhere. Patience, on the other hand, allows me to take things day-by-day and not worry about peer comparisons or society expectations. Patience, I have learned, lends calm to my situation, and I've tried to let it permeate other areas of my life, too!

6. I have "met" so many new friends on this road! Mr. A cautioned me a while back against believing everything/everyone that presents itself/themselves on the internet because there are people who say they're something they're not. While I totally appreciate his concern for my safety/sanity, I had to tell him that it'd be pretty hard to fake talking about all-things-RE-related. You'd have to be a pretty desperate faker to go into CM patterns! I so appreciate all of the support I've found through blogging and other new friendships :)

5. Infertility has encroached a couple "old friend" relationships, and while I don't wish this struggle on anyone, I am so glad that my old friends and I can support each other through the ups and downs. I never thought that we'd be dealing with this, but it is great to know that our friendship is there in good times and bad!!

4. I have been blessed with a newfound appreciation for compassion to all. Even pregnant women. What?! Ha! Through my experiences with infertility and my volunteer work, I have come to the realization that everyone has a cross. EVERYONE. And so they deserve compassion regarding whatever that cross may be. It was a toughie to universally accept this- pregnant ladies ordering an entire suite of furniture in Po.ttery Bar.n Kid.s wearing Ste.ve Madd.en shoes and carrying a huge Coac.h bag do not seem to portray a cross, do they? ;-)

3. I have a way more deep appreciation for the magnitude of the blessing that children are. I always knew that children were so precious, and of course I would have been thankful for my child if I'd gotten pregnant easily, but the longing for our first child(ren) has intensified that realization inifinitely so. I know there are many Christian women who become pregnant easily, and I'm sure they are grateful for their children, but I think in some instances, the ease by which they become pregnant, and sometimes (regrettably) the child, is taken for granted. It is always a huge miracle, and I for one intend on celebrating that miracle every day. (Remind me, okay? Haha) Morning sickness? Praise God! Backache? How awesome is the Lord's creation! People don't become pregnant just because they want to (or not, as the case may be?)- they become pregnant because God chooses to create a new soul with their participation on His timeline, whether or not it coincides with theirs.

2. Hands down, infertility has blessed our marriage. Bizarro world! We are absolutely a better team (even better than we were before), and we have become closer through these struggles. I think we cherish these times with just the two of us way more than we did at the beginning of our marriage. We see some of our friends who had kids right away, whose marriage is rocky and un-intimate, because instead of being able to focus on their marriage at the beginning, they were clashing over how their life will change/has change because of baby. I am so thankful for our marriage, and I pray daily that God will continue to bless and sustain it. I think it's also given us, as a married couple, that much more excitement about when we'll be able to announce the big news!

1. Infertility has allowed me to deepen my faith and trust in God's plan (not just my own) to take care of us and bless us according to His will, even when the chips are down. I honestly don't think I'd be where I am, spiritually, had it not been for this chapter of my life!!

Whoa. That was tough!!! Now it's your turn!

Cheese Life

I forgot to mention that on Monday before the dogs got into it, Glebe's owner turns to me and goes, "What is on your license plate? Cheese Life? I saw the bright yellow, and I couldn't exactly read the first word...?"

Yes. I am advocating a life devoted to cheese. Don't come between me and my parmesean!!!!

(edited to add that my license plate is "Choose Life"...not any reference to dairy!)

***

Thanks so much for your encouragement to me about my afternoon/evening on Monday!!! Luckily, I'm sure thanks in part to your prayers and hopes, yesterday was great (i.e. noneventful)!!!

Mr. A feels strongly that he should accept the trip offer to go to the conference for his company. And as the leader of our family, I am deferring to his judgement here, but it's not without some fretting on my part. To his credit, lest it seems that he cares only about his career, before he considered the trip further, he did have me check with my RE to see if his absence those days means absolutely 0% of success. My RE's nurse noted that it is fairly impossible to predict how I will respond to injectibles, but most of the time injectibles bump up ovulation a little bit and alot of women are ready for IUI on cd12. Since we're not doing an IUI next cycle, I just substituted in the idea that most women are ready for some optimal babymakin' on cd12. And she noted that the swimmers can live up to 72 hours, so even if I didn't ovulate till cd14 or something, it might not be a complete lost cause. She said since our meds are mostly covered by insurance, she'd probably go for it.

Sounds good to me! And Mr. A, who is walking the fine line between providing for our family and expanding our family. Haha! God bless him :)

And after some prayer and reminders to myself that my ways (plans) are not God's ways (Is 55:8-13), I am feeling pretty peaceful about this new developement for next month. Who knows what God has in store for us between now and then...I am so excited to find out! I pray that God will use all these things to bring us our first child(ren). I know He is going to be beside me always, for I am worth more than many sparrows, and not one of them is forgotten by Him!! (Luke 12:6-7)

UGH

I think I am feeling the pissiest I have ever felt before. Like, on several instances in the last 2 days, instead of snapping or talking back in a not-so-respectful-wifely tone, I just close my mouth and go into another room...

This afternon and evening was one of those days where you just want to go to sleep and hope that you don't spontaneously combust or something crazy like that, but given all the other crap that has happened, you definitely pray for protection from spontaneous combustion. Here goes, in bullet form:

• The good news is that I had a wonderful session with a client (including an ultrasound!), but that meant that I was late in filling out the paperwork/database, so I was late getting home.

• My printer decided to become possessed so that when I was trying to make double-sided copies for some forms/documentation I have to submit, I swear it kept changing whether I needed the paper print side up or print side down before trying to print on the second side. I swear!!! I probably wasted 15 or 20 pieces of paper!

• Banana and I saw her doggie friend Glebe just as we were getting home from our walk and as he was starting on his walk with his owner. He is a 120lb doberman mix, and she is a 60lb hound (bear hunter), so since she is fearless, they usually play really well together even though he is twice her size (he is pretty well behaved). Well this time, it was all fine and good until, well, until it wasn't, and one of them got spooked and it wasn't play time anymore! I get so scared (it's only happened one other time between Banana and Mr. A's parents' dog, who has since passed away), and I was trying to pull her away and I think I started to choke her a little which made her freak out even more, and finally we got them separated, and neither was hurt- they were both just really worked up. I was so upset with myself that I didn't do the best job of getting her away (Mr. A was luckily there and helped divert Glebe with his owner), but she doesn't seem to be showing any signs of distress. I was just so upset though... I ended up crying in the bathroom for who knows what reason!

• Mr. A calls me on his way home to tell me the great news that he's been chosen to represent his company at a show on the west coast in October, oh yah, PROJECTED CYCLE DAYS 13-15!!!!!!!! I mean seriously.

• I feel fat.

• At my volunteer inservice, this lady whom I was sitting next to the whole time tugs at my sleeve right as I'm about to leave, and in front of another lady, says "I have this great home remedy for your acne- my son struggled with it in high school and it's the only thing that worked for him." Really? I tried to explain to her that I'm on medication that has seemed to create breakout conditions for me, since I never struggled with it before, but she just looked at me as if thinking "Sure, blame it on 'medication'..." I never had perfect skin, but do you really have to tell me in front of someone else??

• THEN, when I finally got out the door with my water/vinegar/aspirin home acne remedy, along with an apple cake-bar thing for the road, I get to my car, AND DROP THE APPLE BAR ON THE GROUND!!!! Ha! I just started laughing.

• THEN, when I finally get home and start to do the dinner dishes, Mr. A goes to put his italian ice container in the trash and has some crazy conniption about how much it stinks. He definitely has a keen nose, but this was just too much for me. I calmly (silently, haha) take the offending receptacle outside and put the bag in the trash can out there, which apparently wafts the vomitous smell into the family room, so Mr. A goes running around closing all the windows as if it's poison gas. I'm not joking when I say I'm buying him a hazmat mask to hang next to the changing table.*

• I put on new deoderant when I got home from inservice and changed into my PJs so it might refresh me a little, and my armpit just itched, so I scratched it and got mostly used deoderant under my nails- ickkkk!!!
  

It was the worst day I've had in a while or maybe I'm just being to dramatic/personal about stuff. At 5dpo, I can't believe the baby is already affecting me so much!

hahahahaha!

(*Disclaimer: Mr. A was an awesome support/cheerer-upper when I was upset about Banana, and he told me several times prior to and following the garbage episode that he thinks I'm the greatest. He's a good man.)

Taking a Breather

Whew- what a weekend!! My aunt and cousin came over yesterday to help me do some gardening on a particularly weed-prone corner around the pool. My aunt is super master-gardener, and she brought me some cuttings from some of her most aggressive perennials, in hopes to beat out the weeds. We planted them and also some daffodil bulbs she generously brought for in between my day lillies. We also covered a layer of newspapers with a thick layer of mulch to provide a natural (biodegradable) weed barrier. She uses it in her gardens, and she swears she never has to weed!! Sign me up!!!

I am going to divide some of my perennials maybe in October in the front garden areas to make the design/layout more organized. I am a perennial-er for life- I didn't buy any annuals this year, and I have pretty consistent flowers out front! Bonus!

But after pulling weeds, transplanting about 15 plants and about 45 bulbs, putting down the newspaper layer, covering it with 10 bags-worth of mulch, we were pretty tuckered out around 4 pm yesterday. (My 11-year old cousin who came along to "help" somehow was splashing around in the pool, even though the water temp is close to 70F!!! Holy moley!!) Luckily, I had started the base for chicken and dumplings in the crock pot yesterday morning, and all we had to do for dinner was make spinach walnut pesto for over noodles (my aunt is a vegetarian), and the dumplings for me, Mr. A, and my cousin. I tried a new dumpling recipe, and it was GREAT. Yum.

Today it was another early morning- we all went to the early service and then came home and made a big breakfast. (Except my aunt, who is hilarious, ate another portion of the spinach walnut pesto noodles, because she loved them so much last night!) We took Banana for an extra walk, during which my cousin discovered some houses for sale on the route that she'd like to buy. The rest of the walk included her trying to convince my aunt that they should move here. When I told her that she might have to contribute to the down payment and asked how much she had in her bank account, she said "I have $11, but if they need it for us to move here, I'd be glad to give it to them!!!"

Ah, childhood. Haha.

It was a great weekend, but Mr. A and I put in "Char.lie Wilson's War" (one of our favorites) after they left, and I admit I fell asleep for about a half hour of it. Then we went out and surveyed our slowing-down veggie garden and picked what we could...I think it is just about the end of the season, and we are already planning a bigger and better version for next year!!! We picked a watermelon that was obviously not done growing, as it was the size of a cantelope, but I really don't think they're going to get much bigger, since it is definitely not as hot anymore. It was not red inside (more like pink), but it tasted like watermelon!!! Very juicy!! The cantelopes are the size of plums, but we might pick one of those, too, to see what they look like inside right now.

I really have not undertaken any hand-wringing about being in the 2ww (although I do include it in my morning prayers as a general intention), and I'm planning on keeping it that way. It's a really nice break. I'm expecting to start a new cycle on October 1- all aboard for the injectibles at that point!! Or obviously, I'd accept a positive pregnancy test as a consolation prize....

New territory

I have discovered I very rarely title my post before I write it. Or at least lately that is how it is.

I got my follistim and novarel (hcg) on Wednesday... Delivered during a teleconference, which I had to interrupt and put everyone on hold since Banana was barking so passionately, because clearly her life depended on it, at the unsuspecting UPS man. Two big boxes with "PERISHABLE: OPEN IMMEDIATELY" on the side!!!

I waited till after the teleconference was over, of course.

Inside them, I found the follistim pen, two boxes of 900iu of follistim each, alcohol pads, two needles, two other needles, and the novarel (unmixed). Whoa. I sure hope my RE tells me how to mix the novarel, because the powder looks compacted already or something! I guess it is probably vacuum sealed/packed... I have tried to be only mildly concerned that I only got 2 boxes of 900iu, because it was my understanding that to get the copay that I got, the prescription had to be for a 3-month supply, and from what I can tell, if I take 125iu (adjustable per response of course) each day 3-12, 1800iu is only a one month supply!! I am trying not to be worried about how refills will be ordered, or if they will be allowed... I am trying to remind myself that the RE's office has dealt with this pharmacy before and should know how they do things... I am trying not to spend too much time wondering if the monitoring ultrasounds ($500ish) next cycle will be covered, since we're not doing an IUI just yet...I am trying to remind myself that nothing during this whole journey will not be changed by the amount of my worrying...

This is entirely new territory for me, a territory I never thought of visiting or even looking up on the map. I thought for sure that clomid would do the trick for us, since we're only dealing with low progesterone (e.g., no pcos, mfi, etc.). But it hasn't. I think this acceptance/realization somewhat tempers any elation that I experience when reviewing the follistim success rates. I thought the success rates for clomid were pretty good, and look where that got us! It is true that, objectively, we will have a much better chance of conceiving on follistim. That, combined with endless prayers for God's mercy in this regard and faith in His promise of joy to all who believe in Him, has allowed my heart some solace lately.

I think anyone who tries to conceive is in territory they never thought they'd be in. Even if you are trying for your fifth month, it still feels like something is wrong (I remember that), because we all are consistently bombarded with situations where conception/healthy babies happen with no effort at all, and in some circumstances, it seems as if there would be no possible way for conception/healthy babies to happen in the first place (hello, crack addict mom)! Of course people who've been trying a year sometimes grow an infertility ego- "How can she possibly complain about being infertile, they were only trying 4 months!" (I am guilty on a few occasions, the most memorable with An.na Dug.gar...) Maybe they were not actually infertile, but from the time we first learn about how babies are made, we are taught that it only takes one time and that seeps into our subconscious!! Therefore, when it takes more than one time, we're on a street we don't recognize...

Along the way, it has seemed to me sometimes that some of the things we try to do/take/pray are just stabs (get it? injections? stabs? haha...) in the dark. Some are more directed stabs (clomid to help with low progesterone), but others are more random (robituss.in or mu.cinex). What occurs to me is that God already knows what circumstances, medicine, or events that He will use to bless our marriage with children. None of the things we do, after seeking His will, are just stabs in the dark to Him. He is using all of these things along this journey for something good. Maybe the something good is related to reproduction or maybe it is related to spreading Christianity or maybe it is related to having an experience with this myself so I can be a "been there, done that" support to someone else who is facing this cross.

We continue to pray that we'll be bringing home a clomid baby, or two, haha, next June. But more than that, we continue to seek what God would have us do to bring children into our home. And if that involves a sharps box, I say bring it on.

FAM (my take)

For a cycle that I thought would be a complete wash, it surprisingly ended up being pretty spectacular. Just goes to show you how much my predictions matter! Come on, God, I am ready for my next surprise (that Clomid #4 will work, obviously!)!!! Ovulation on CD15 (maybe this morning?), with some baby-makin' on CD12 and CD14. We are praying for you, little one(s)!!

Sometimes I wish that it hadn't worked out so well, to give myself an emotional break for the next two weeks. And then I feel a little guilty for saying that. Because obviously being selfish is so ridiculous when the potential alternative (welcoming baby in June!) is what our hearts are longing for. So then I remind myself that dealing with another mysterious 2ww is nothing, and that I should be on my knees thanking God for another chance to work with Him to create a precious new soul.

***

But on to more fun things! I am not sure how many of you have no clue about some of the abbreviations/techniques I talk about here, but I am happy to shed some light, from my perspective, for those of you who may be wondering like Becky was! And maybe it might even help someone in their quest to better understand their (in)fertility.

We practiced FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) to avoid conception for about 2.5 years after we got married. You can learn about it from this awesome book Tak.ing Ch.arge of Your Fertili.ty. (FAM is not tied to a religion and is slightly different than NFP.) Basically it involves the theory that there is a difference in your basal body temperature (core temperature, essentially) before and after ovulation. So, you take your temperature and chart it out (first day of your period is CD (cycle day) 1), and by doing that, you can see the shift in temperatures which indicates ovulation. The method also includes checking your CM (cervical mucus) and cervical position....the book goes into how to check these things internally, and I tried once, but it was too much hassle for me. Maybe if I had kept at it, I'd be a pro by now, but I didn't, so I'm not... I am a pretty good mucus-producer (ha!), so I just go by what ends up, um, being evident externally. Ha! I know this isn't technically how you're supposed to do it, and maybe some charting purists will be aghast at my behavior, but I think I do okay with how I keep track of that.

You can use FAM for either pregnancy avoiding or pregnancy achievement, and it worked fine for us for pregnancy avoiding, but so far, it has not worked for pregnancy achievement!! Ha! I think, in retrospect (I don't temp anymore because I use my fertility monitor now) it is easier to use it for pregnancy avoiding because you can just wait after about CD10 or so until your temperature goes up for a few days after ovulation and then resume activity. To use it for pregnancy achievement, you have to assume (in conjunction with CM which gets kind of like egg-white consistency right before ovulation) that ovulation is coming and get busy. Lots of people do use FAM for pregnancy achievement, but it hasn't worked for me yet! Ha!

As far as spotting before your period, I do not have this issue (except for very occasionally one day before), so I don't know a whole lot about it, but from what I've read and people I've talked to, it is mostly due to a progesterone deficiency or possible endometriosis/fibroids. Basically, when you ovulate, your body starts producing progesterone to keep the lining nice and plush for implantation to happen. If your body doesn't produce enough progesterone, the lining breaks down too early (spotting), thus not really creating a great place for your little one to land. Also endometriosis can cause spotting, but I don't know a whole lot about why... My friend K has awful spotting (almost her whole LP (luteal phase- the two weeks after the egg is released)), and she just got her progesterone checked, and it was totally fine, so now they are tentatively suspecting endometriosis. I will keep you posted what I find out from her!

I'm trying to think of other things that I've mentioned... feel free to ask anything if I'm leaving something out! I totally recommend the book for anyone who hasn't ever delved into their cycles before- it is really straight-forward, scientific, and objective, and it is really neat to see your temps for a whole cycle charted out. I recommended it to my friend K, who hadn't ever tried it before, and she thought it was the neatest thing!! Happy reading!