So Happy

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while, and I think today is a great day for it. I am hoping that no one thinks I'm just being delirious or in an awful state of denial, but this has been on my heart for a long time, and since it has made a world of difference to me, especially in the last 24 hours, I am ever the more inspired to write about it this morning.

Even though our first IUI didn't work (anyone notice I never attached "#1" to the IUI before?), I have been so happy and lighthearted and uplifted in the last 24 hours. You think I have lost my mind? Here is why: God has given me an aaaaaawesome husband.

It is dinners/nights like last night that soothe any open wounds on my heart about not having kids yet. We decided to take it easy and order pizza (actually we got the deal from Domin.o's with one pizza and a brea.dbowl pasta, and I had the pasta, and it was GREAT), but we had so much fun eating together. Most dinners are actually that way to be honest, I usually catch myself at least once have a sort of out of body experience where I'm kind of looking at us eating and thinking, wow, this is perfect! Last night our conversation was so fun, and at least twice we found ourselves doubled over with belly laughs!! I am beaming right now just remembering. Then after dinner we put in a DVD of one of our favorite series'es (sp?) which prompted yet more healing laughter. Like honest to goodness, laughing that comes from being so comforted and so safe and so loved.

It's not like we didn't talk about the cycle not working. We have prayerfully considered what directions we're feeling led towards, and Mr. A has considered our savings and budget for next year and come up with a general idea of what avenues we'll take. (As if our plans matter... hehe.) I am confident in his leading the way on this- I know it's not very modern, but I love that he is the leader of our family already. I love to respect him in this manner and see how faithfully and honorably he responds. A few months ago, we got a mailing from the local food bank that wrote about how 43,000 kids in our area are experiencing hunger this fall. He immediately exclaimed, "43,000 kids?!?!" As I've written before, we're on a set cash-only budget that accounts for every cent of our income per month, so extra's like this are not really allowed for. (We do have charitable donations built in, but not to this particular food bank.) And he said that we should send in $100 immediately. It was one of those "be still my heart" moments. I am so proud to be his wife!

Anyway, what I'm trying to convey is that alot of times, and especially in the last day, I am pretty much overcome with how happy I am right now. Of course we are praying for our child to come hang out, but God has blessed our marriage SO MUCH in the meantime. It is times like last night that I feel confident that if God chooses not to bless us with children, we will embrace that calling with all the gusto and happiness we can find there. (Although I believe that if He has placed the desire to be a mom in your heart, He will fulfill it in some way.) Think of all the things we could become involved in to help others!! It is times like today that I really reflect on what a blessing it is to have a great marriage that is so full of grace. It is times like today that I am so reminded of the blessings that we've been given that allow our hearts to be so happy and hopeful and calm in the face of disappointment.

We are certainly prayerful that our marriage will be blessed with children. I really honestly think one of these upcoming cycles will be blessed. But in the meantime, we are loving the place God has us right now. We are learning so much about trusting His will and His timing for baby blessings. We are being washed with thankfulness for having peace right now.

I know it might seem like I am a little unnaturally positive. Haha! I get that alot. Ha! I'm serious! People don't have to be around me too long to make some observation of that! But it is such a gift from God, even if it makes me naive sometimes. When I read blogs of people who are so burdened and so down, it just stings my heart. I have been given a great gift of faith and trust, and I immediately feel called to pray for you whose hearts are low, that God would give you peace and happiness for where you're at. Of course this doesn't mean I don't hope for kids (don't even get me started on how much hope I have!), but I really think they key to surviving this journey is seeking (or trying to anyway, one of my struggles is to read Him correctly all the time!) what God would have you to be doing right now and then being at peace with that. Just because He's not answering your prayers the way you want them answered doesn't mean He's not working in your life. If you knew how He was working, wouldn't you want to embrace that and want to live that to the fullest?! Like yah, I get to be a part of God's plan, even though it might not be mine right now! All right!!

So anyway, this weekend before Thanksgiving, I really encourage you to happily embrace where God has you. Go lay one on your sweetie. Go smother your dog with a rib-squeezing hug. We are all longing for kids (well, if you're pregnant now and reading this, I'm pretty sure you were at one point), but God is longing for our companionship and for our active role in His plan TODAY. Rejoice that He has a plan for you today and for every day! It makes me so happy that He loves me so much that He has a part specifically for me to play, and you better believe I'll want to do my best in that role!!

Edited to add: I hope I don't seem like I'm bragging or anything, because that was totally not my intent! I'm sure I will have down days again, but I just wanted to celebrate the peaceful feeling while it's here :)

What?

Hello, dark red spot! At 12dpiui, no less, a full 3 days earlier than expected! I am stumped. I don't think it is quite CD1, but probably tomorrow, so I called my RE and scheduled an u/s for Monday. The nurse thinks they'll let us do another follistim IUI, even though we won't be available for monitoring next week (first monitoring will be on CD10)...I guess since my left ovary is a slacker and the most follicles I've ever had is three, they're not too worried about 10 popping up all of a sudden...

Move over turkey, make room for the follistim in the fridge!

Haha.

I am doing pretty okay. Bummed of course, but not devastated or feeling like it's never going to work. I really do think that God will bless one of these cycles. I just have a peace about that, you know?

Now as far as trusting my gut goes, that is out the window ;-) What was I thinking? Haha!

Mr. A said to ask the doc if we can step it up a notch. I told him the next notch is IVF ;-) I think we would have specific requests for IVF, if we go there, as far as quantities go, so we're really going to have to do some soul searching as far as that goes. Has anyone ever read "Christians and IVF: Wise Choices and Life-Affirming Options"? I haven't, but I'm thinking it may be a good purchase. Of course I'm praying God will bless us in the upcoming cycle!

Sticky Notes!!

This is my new favorite website to play with- making online sticky notes!!!



Thank you so much for your continued prayers! I am feeling pretty decently assured that I might actually be pregnant- I have never quite had these kind of changes in the bb area before- even Mr. A has now made a comment!! (Of course, there is the disclaimer that I know all of these things people have normally without being pg! Remember, I'm going with my gut for the first time ever?) But I am offering up all these things to the will of God- He alone knows at this point!! My friend K and are hanging in there together- she is 14dpo, and I'm 11. We are hundreds of miles apart, but we have talked every day for the past week to compare what is going on. We have been praying that the Lord would grant us the blessing to be pg buddies after this IF struggle, but above all we have been lifting praises for blessings that have been bestowed on us regardless of whether we've been given baby blessings or not.

You should make your own online sticky! It is so fun!

Prayerful Persistence

Sorry for the not-writing situation the last few days. Monday's are always so busy with work and volunteering at the pregnancy center, and yesterday I had to drive up to my office, and on my way home, it took me an hour and a half to go 25 miles, and I about lost my mind. I was SO glad to arrive home safely, albeit a full hour late!!

I had lots of time to say lots of prayers, so you can bet that you're covered :)

I am having alot of inconsistent symptoms, like nothing is present all the time, but everything comes and goes, and luckily my friend K is 12dpo today, so we have been talking every day to compare what hilarious things we are currently experiencing imagining. I'm 10dpiui, and I think the earliest I would test is Saturday because, as you all know, I am a certified testing WUSS. I need a badge or something!

I have really felt uplifted by the constant reassurance from friends (IRL and blogging!) who tell me they're praying for us!! Moreso than ever before, actually. (Not that you weren't sincere before, because I know you always are, but for some reason, I am just basking in the prayerful support this time!) I feel a great positive momentum still, and I prayed yesterday that if God has blessed us, that He'd use me to be a olive branch of hope to those who are still waiting.

In the car yesterday, the daily devotional on the radio dealt with Noah and the dove who brought back the olive branch. The gist was that Noah looked out from his ark and saw flood in every direction. But he still sent out the dove to see what God was doing out of sight. The first time the dove came back with nothing. Was Noah deterred? Nope, he sent the dove out again. This time, the dove brought back a symbol of hope to Noah in the form of an olive branch. Noah could not see past the floods that surrounded him, but in this dove's mouth was a small token from God that was to give Noah hope for the good things God had in store for him.

Do you see floods in all directions around you? Do you feel like the waters will never recede? Be persistent in your prayers (Luke 18:1-8), not being deterred if you don't see results right away, just as Noah wasn't (Gen 8:1-22)!! God might not bring complete resolution to your situation immediately, but if you trust in His providence, He will give you hope to give you a glimmer of what He is preparing to you :)

You Know...

You know you're in the 2ww when...

1. You imagine nausea
2. You are pretty sure your bbs are tender again, as in, they were right after the trigger but then not, but now they are again
3. You see a piece of hair on the shower wall and you think it looks remarkably like a dividing embryo
4. You pick up a book today (that your sister gave you about a month ago) that you have been meaning to read for a while and that you know nothing about, and you are shocked to learn it's about a pregnant woman and you think it is veeeeery interesting you didn't pick it up until now...
5. You catch the last half of "Dinner Impossible" and realize that he's cooking for a picnic for a huge gathering of TWINS, and you are sure this can't be merely a coincidence!!!
6. You have an awful, fitful sleep and you are sure that it's not from the beef stew you ate last night.
7. You are particularly suspicious when you start feeling a little dizzy when standing up after kneeling down to pet your dog.
8. Is that heartburn? You never get heartburn...
9. You have no explanation for the funk/snappy-ness/lack of patience that overtakes you and causes every single thing to go wrong/be complicated, well there IS an explanation you can think of...
10. You wonder if you're extra thirsty or if that's a figment of your mind...

What is your 2ww giveaway? :-D

Unexpected

Two things yesterday that came from out of the blue:
1. My parents' house got broken into
2. EWCM with a thread of red through it, followed by light light brown on the next trip to the bathroom, followed by nothing more.

GULP.

Okay, let's start with #1- it is easier to wrap my head around, as hard as it is to wrap my head around!! My dad got home and the window on the back door was smashed and the door was wide open. My mom's closet was totally all over their bedroom. The thieves took alot of her gold jewelry, a ring and a watch of my dad's, and my brother's prep school class ring. They did not touch any of the china, any of my dad's tools, any of their credit cards/checkbook, or my dad's bicycles (he rides alot and his bikes are not cheap!). The police said they are having alot of these type break-in's, and they suspect the burgulars are only looking for gold that they can send to those cas.h for gol.d places. Kind of sad. At least they didn't vandalize the house or anything. I think it would have broken my mom's heart to lose all her china (the pattern is my maiden name!) right before she is hosting like 15 people for Thanksgiving. (Not that my mom values her china over her life, but I'm sure you know what I mean.) Oh, the other thing they took was the collection of state quarters my mom was accumulating- the thieves ever-so-nicely took the quarters but left her the list that she had been keeping of the ones she had! I don't know about you, but that I think that is SO cute that she was doing that and especially keeping a list!! My sibs and I are going to try to collect her all the state quarters for Christmas...

Please keep my dad and mom in your prayers as they will return to a house this evening that has been invaded. I pray that somehow they will feel safe there.

On to #2. I even hesitated to mention it, for fear of looking like an idiot. Ha!

Yes, on a random naive trip to pee yesterday, I ended up staring at plentiful EWCM with a tiny thread of red ("streaked"?) though it. In disbelief, I went for a second pass and this time came up with light brown CM. FREAK OUT!!! Hello, I was 4dpiui yesterday. I did have some really mild cramps yesterday around this time. I went again to the bathroom about an hour later and all that was there was light brown CM, and I haven't had anything more since then. Totally nothing this morning, cramps or spotting. What is up?! Of course all of creation says that implantation can happen at 5dpo at the earliest, but I have to be honest here- I think it might have been implantation! I mean, everyone's bodies are different, right? Of course all my gut feelings are historically incorrect, but I'm going to ride this one for a while. What else could it have been? I took the trigger an entire week ago, so I don't really think it could be ovulation!! I spotted a ton on Sunday after the IUI, but I had been clear since Sunday evening. I have never ever had this type of spotting so early!! Should I call my RE? Oh my gosh, please baby be here!!

In other great news, I got my car back!!! Yah! It took almost a month to fix after the run-in with the deer. I sure hope we are accident-free forever after this :)

It finally stopped raining! So I was able to have a great prayerful walk with Banana this morning, instead of trying to get her to do her business as quickly as possible in the torrential downpour and then turn around and make a bee-line for home!! I have been praying for all of you- thanks so much for praying for us!

From Scratch

I love cooking, and luckily so do my sisters! My sister who lives 30 minutes away, especially, because sometimes we can cook together! Like on our day off. Like yesterday!

She has one of those mixer pasta-maker attachments, and she's never used it. We were going to use it to make our hubbies fresh ravioli for respective romantic Valentine's Day dinners, but the night before Valentine's Day, our uncle was rushed to the ER and eventually needed brain surgery, so her and I had to go sit with his kiddos so his wife could be at his side. (By the grace of God, he is totally healed today!!)

ANYWAY. We decided that since it was a cold rainy day, what better activity to do but be cozied up in the kitchen in our warm sweaters with steaming hot chocolate while making ravioli pasta from scratch! It was so fun!!

We had never made pasta dough before, and so we were a little alarmed at the dough consistency once it was mixed. It was VERY dry. Not exactly crumbly-dry, but definitely not pie-crust damp. But, we went by what the instruction book said and, what do you know, it worked PERFECTLY!! (We made our separate fillings prior to making the dough- ground turkey, ground beef, and pumpkin!) We had to let the dough sit for 20 minutes, during which we stared out the window at the constant gentle rain and remarked that we couldn't believe it had been raining for 14 hours straight (it is still raining today!)!! Once it was time to actually put the dough through the maker, we again followed the directions, against all previous dough-preparation-knowledge, but the maker worked exactly right! Soon we had neat little sheets of pasta dough!! We then went to work making our own little ravioli's, using a ravioli cutter that my mom gave me for Christmas last year. I made 29 ground beef's, and 6 pumpkin's!! (Mr. A will not eat the pumpkin's- I'll get to eat those when he is out hunting or something!) I think she got about the same total amount of ravioli's, but she made more pumpkin's.

She took hers home on cookie sheets (you have to transport them in a single layer so they don't stick together), and I froze half of the meat and all of the pumpkin, saving 14 for dinner for us last night. They were SO YUMMY.

AND! Mr. A and I used the pasta sauce we made from our tomatoes this summer! And we ate bread I made yesterday! I was so proud of our home-grown dinner :)

I wish I took better pictures...I didn't even take any of the finished ravioli's- oops! And when it was time for dinner last night, you can bet they weren't on the plate for very much time!

This morning I sent Mr. A off to work with his thermos of coffee and two pumpkin muffins, made on Monday night, totally 100% homemade, even using fresh eggs from a friend who has chickens, and beginning with fresh pumpkin puree I made a few weeks ago and froze!

I think it is so fun to make things from scratch. It might take alot more time, but I think overall, it's healthier for everyone and usually tastes better, too. Not to mention there is some sense of pride knowing that all of the ingredients are actual foods and not perservativ-ed to death. Also not to mention that Mr. A is now spoiled and does not think those super-easy skillet meals are any kind of contender for dinner. Ha! (I have to admit, sometimes I wish he liked those, but I have a bunch of quick dinner recipes that are my go-to if I don't feel like cooking something more complicated.)

I sure hope our baby will like home-made baby food ;-)