Lemonade out of Lemons

I was so honored to receive the "Making Lemonade out of Lemons" award from venting vagina the other day! She has been having a great attitude about going through IVF lately, and many of her multi-media (you tube, pictures, ebay finds) posts are hilarious (and/or super cute) and really remind me to keep everything in perspective :)

The rules for this award:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I nominate, in no particular order…

1. Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans
2. Wistful Girl
3. Inconceivable!
4. Mission: Motherhood (she is doing an amazing job seeking peace after her recent miscarriage)
5. Mis(sed)conception
6. Making Me Mom
7. Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility
8. a + b, waiting for c
9. While I'm Waiting
10. The Potter Family Happenings

You Understand!

I hope no one minded the somber post on Tuesday! It is amazing how many of you identified with what I was thinking- you understand! I also loved the quotes from Leah and Jane about how struggle/adversity bring out qualities that might not have been revealed otherwise. And I totally agree! I, for one, know that my faith has become so much stronger throughout this journey, and I sort of cringe to think of where my prayer/spiritual life would have been today if we'd conceived the first month we tried. As a Christian, I think the concept of those quotes is underwritten by God's promise to use everything for good! If anything, looking for the good amidst the struggle takes your mind off the struggle, doesn't it?

And, lest you be worried, I assure you I haven't lost any of my outrageous optimism!! It is still alive and thriving, especially with my progesterone being 20.5 yesterday at 7dpo!! I know it's not the highest progesterone ever, but I'm pretty sure that could sustain a little one, right? I am tempted to ask for another test tomorrow (9dpo), but I don't know if that would be obnoxious of me, especially since I'm still taking the supplements.... I might have to start referring to myself as the squeaky wheel... ;-)

I am very hopeful that the continued absorption of progesterone is helping our little one to grow. I did have some pretty localized pain the night of 6dpo and the morning of 7dpo, kind of like if someone poked you, and I have some mild achiness of the bbs, and I have been so tired, but it is still early, and all of these things could be from the progesterone supplements. But never fear, my hope is still floating along!!

On Tuesday, I got a call out of the blue to see if I would speak at a local church this coming Sunday (Sanctity of Life Sunday) for the pregnancy center. I have never done this before, and I have no idea what prompted them to ask me, but I definitely agreed! I am excited to visit a new church and share what our center does for our community. We are forming a new class of trainee's, so I hope that maybe my words will speak to someone's heart and magnify whatever calling God has for them in our center. As I was praying about it, though, I realized that this Sunday, I could be carrying a new life within me as I speak. Whoa. How amazing would that be. And yet, God is in the business of amazing, so it wouldn't surprise me!

And at the same time I write that, I know in my heart that there are people who've suffered greatly very recently- from miscarriages and failed cycles, to the citizens of Ha.iti. My prayer list has gotten very long, but I love it. As my friend T's pastor says: "You need the prayers, and I need the practice!" To those of you suffering, I don't know what exactly it's like to be in your shoes, but I can imagine, and I can pray for you as you heal. Be assured that God is with you, and He does have amazing plans for you, even though it might not feel like it now. "Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you" (1 Peter 5:7)!!!

You Wouldn't Understand

Recently, I received an email in which the sender (who is due this spring) described how she is feeling better now, after having thrown up daily. Then, she proceeds to disclaim her statements with "Oh, I'm sorry, this is probably TMI for those of you who don't know what it's like to be pregnant."

As if it isn't a widely known fact that people throw up when they're pregnant. As if I didn't throw up twice last cycle's 2ww and pray that I'd be doing more of that. Yep, there is no way anyone who hasn't been pregnant knows the relief of not throwing up after you've been losing your cookies for a while.

So, in a flash of being a brat (not really a flash, the thoughts festered for a few days), I sent out my own update. Of nothing. Yes, nothing is going on with us. No fun pictures of our babies in Christmas outfits, no updates on how our baby is getting along with our new dog, no updates on how big my baby bump is, and no updates on the extravagant travel plans we have for this year (as the newlywed couple tends to say)*. We are alive, that's about it. (Can't have them thinking I'm not emailing because I'm keeping a baby secret...) (*I didn't write these words- but this is what I was thinking.)

Mostly because they wouldn't understand, either.

They wouldn't understand that we can't go on extravagant vacations because we're saving up in case we are led towards IVF (Hello, $9k), or even MORE expensive, adoption (Hello, $30k). They wouldn't understand all the acronyms I use easily (TTC, IUI, FSH, P4, HCG, 2WW, DPO, .....), and they wouldn't understand why I have a sharps box sitting on the dining room table. They wouldn't understand why our fridge is covered with post-it's of Psalm verses of hope and despair, or why "1dpo" is clearly marked on the calendar. They wouldn't understand why I get frustrated when they talk about their kids like they are commodities. They wouldn't understand the hurt that comes from the way they casually joke about how easy it is to have kids (all you need is a blizzard or a power outage, obviously). They wouldn't understand how it is to live your life in 30-day increments (give or take), or what it's like to wait more than 2 years for something your heart's been praying for. They wouldn't understand having to pray for their heart's desire because their heart's desire is not something that can be purchased because of a whim or ordered from Ama.zon or traveled to. They wouldn't understand what it's like to pray your heart out for your heart's desire and have it not materialize before their eyes.

No one has emailed me back in response to my "we're just alive" email. They are probably so busy with their exciting lives- I probably wouldn't understand.

So Cozy

Banana's curled up in front of the fire, the fire itself is glowing warmly, I just finished my cup of hot chocolate (trying to avoid coffee now that I'm in the 2ww- you have to try Swiss Miss's new Mocha Cappuchino flavor!!!), I am catching up on blogs (you have got to go read All You Who Hope- her new daughter is SO PRECIOUS- and her adoption story is ALL God), Mr. A is playing hot strongman husband- chopping up a newly-downed tree at his friends' place for more firewood for us, I am about to write an update post on me, then I'm going to read some more of "The Caligrapher's Daughter", my latest library find (maybe Banana will let me share her dog bed- it is the closest to the fire!)...and at some point I should do some laundry...

Also I am snacking on brazil nuts. RANDOM! I had never purchased anything from the bulk section of the grocery store before, so I felt pretty fancy doing that last night. All the bins always look so enticing!! Anyway, my friend K and a blogger (who I atrociously apparently failed to bookmark, but I know I read the post that she's attributing any upcoming BFP to eating brazil nuts, which are high in selenium which can (supposedly?) help implantation... so if you're reading and you recently posted about this, please accept my apologies and leave a comment so I can follow you!!!) have educated me on the supposed benefits of brazil nuts!! What the heck, I've tried gorging on pineapple during the 2ww with futile results- why not try brazil nuts! Luckily I find them fairly tasty :) (ETA: FOUND IT! The blogger is My Basic World- go check her out if you haven't already!)

So far, so good with the progesterone suppositories (I always feel like squirming at that word...)- no crazy leakage, although I am wearing a liner, so maybe I'm just not noticing it. I've had sore bbs since my second peak day, so I'm just praying that this extra dose will allow our little one to snuggle in!! (Thank you all for your encouragement on my last post!) Also I've noticed a tad bit of bloating in the evenings lately. Of course I'm 3dpo, so this is 99% meaningless!

I feel like there is alot going on with our inferile blog community lately. Do you feel this way, too? Whether it's evident movement or more subtle goings-on, I think there are alot of changes coming up for alot of us. Becoming pregnant, getting ready to adopt, trying new meds, embarking on a new treatment plan, healing from a loss, making the decision to stop meds for a time, looking forward to the next thing your child will learn, or even accepting the idea of living child-free... all of these are changes that are so easily listed out, but they are huge in their impact in our lives. And while everyone makes their own separate choices, with respect to infertility and everything else about their life, the thing that stays the same is that we're bound by the same struggle, the same deep longing to make the nursery the first room we visit after opening our eyes in the morning...

Finally the 2ww

Wow, I will tell Banana that everyone loved her post- she will be thrilled! ;-)

It has taken a day or so to get used to keeping the fire going...but I think I've gotten a handle on it. It is kind of surprising how much wood we have to load in there to get to the optimal burn temperature (did you know there was such a thing?), but we are doing our best :) It is so nice and warm!! Mr. A and I sit or lay on either side of Banana in front of the stove in the evening and just watch how it burns...

And yes, I finally got my peak Tuesday, so today is supposedly 1dpo, so I started the progesterone this morning. I have had countless 2ww's, but this is the first one with progesterone support the whole time. Will it contribute to letting our little one snuggle in? I sure hope so.

In some ways I like the 2ww so much better than before ovulation... no having to pee on the monitor sticks, no keeping in the back of your mind what cycle day it is and whether or not it would be good to you-know-what, just kind of like catching your breath. Of course, in other ways the 2ww is tougher- nothing to do but wait and see...

I don't quite know what I'll think if we get our BFP this cycle. I have a feeling that there will be some guilt involved...that I should have asked for progesterone support before now. I threw up twice in the 2ww last cycle, a few days apart, and not attached to anyone else getting sick, and I just can't help but imagine that we'd conceived but there was not enough progesterone support for the little one. But I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty. After all, God does not make mistakes, and so if this is the cycle we find out we're expecting, it has always been the cycle that we'd find that out in His eyes. Perhaps He wanted me to know what it's like to have a gut feeling, trust my gut feeling, and be right for once.... before I get a gut feeling we're pregnant and wonder if I should trust it...

I think Mr. A has a gut feeling progesterone is the piece we've been missing. I'm going to trust him on this one... Husbands are always right, isn't that correct? :)

Guest Post (Banana)

Hi everyone, Banana here. Just wanted to write a few things.

I think A has completely gone bonkers. It has been downright frigid here (like, today the high is 30F). So on Sunday, A got the bright idea that she would put one of her old shrunk sweaters on me for our walk! She laughs alot when she is putting me in this sweater, and she keeps telling Mr. A how great it is they didn't have to spend any money on clothes for me. Even though it doesn't fit exactly right, I do feel alot warmer when I take walks. It hangs down below my belly, so it makes me look a little fat, but I am not looking to date anyone right now, so I don't care. Since I'm warmer on the walks, I feel like running and playing in the snow more, instead of just doing my business and coming home!! Speaking of coming home, this morning A left my sweater on while she was making the fire, so I took a nap with it on... here I am when I woke up..


Yesterday, these two random guys came into our house and brought this huge black box with them. They used some very loud tools- they were so loud I took my kong and went into my crate. But eventually they left, and turns out that black box is warm! Here's how I spent my night last night....


A and Mr. A keep talking about how they had to start small with the fires, but they are going to keep a bigger one during the day today. So far so good- it is definitely cozy in the family room!!


And speaking of being cozy, A and Mr. A are certainly having fun lately, if you know what I mean. I'm glad because I want to be a big sister, you know, to have someone to play with around here. I really love kids- especially licking whatever food they have left on their cheek!!! A told me she got her peak this morning, whatever that means. She seems happy about that, so I guess I am happy about that, too!

Okay, gotta finish up this post and go back to watching the fire- it is a tough job, you know!!

Love, Banana

Welcome, 2010!

Good thing the coming of the new year doesn't depend on me being awake to greet it... I am very much looking forward to a wonderful year! I have thought several times that this is not only a new year but also a new decade, but maybe that'll be another post.

Anyway, I just wanted to rejoice that All You Who Hope's baby might be here! Please pray for her and head over to her blog to read the story! I don't know for sure what the latest is, but I am praying that if this is the little one for her that God would open wide the doors (especially that darn financial one)!!! He is a powerful God so I don't doubt for one second that He would not provide in this manner!!

We've had a great day :) We made a great breakfast, we put on a great pot of ham & bean soup (come on good luck!), we made great progress on cleaning out the garage, and we're greatly looking forward to making this baby of ours ;-)