Limbo Day

Each month, as time goes on, I am less and less impressed with the limbo day at the end of the 2ww. You know, the day where you can't decide what's going on, and you probably use an entire extra roll of TP just because you think you're starting every 45 minutes, so that calls for another trip to the bathroom.

Before we began seeing our RE, it used to be a more somber day, but since we have started treatment, and especially since I have lots of shiny sharp objects and expensive concoctions waiting be used for next cycle, the limbo day has been met with more excited impatience: "Okay, fine, this one didn't work, let's get the dirty work over with so we can try again with xyz strategy!"

And even though I had some gurgling in the lower region the other night and I was convinced that the towel had been thrown in for me, since yesterday morning, I am having more significant/increased top tenderness and backache than I usually do before I start, and I had mild mild heartburn after dinner last night. (Usually by the time CD1 rolls around, I have almost zero 2ww symptoms and feel much better than I did the two weeks prior, and I only have mild cramps once it gets a'flowin'.)

Which is maybe all fine and good, but since Mr. A is out of town on some projected-ly critical days next month, my very first month of fancy pants follistim, I desperately need CD1 to be ON TIME this time, okay sweet cycle of mine? Or, if you're going to be late, maybe you can be a YEAR late, as in, high-tail it outta here till next October. That would be very fine, too.

Who knows what today will hold. I prayed this morning in thanksgiving that God has already been before me and has prepared a path for me. I pray that I'll be faithful and trusting enough to follow it! I prayed that I'd have the humility to accept His perfect timing in all things (when I was praying this, I initially was thinking ahead to the potential timing fiasco in October, but then a thought popped into my head that I should also accept with humility the timing He had for us this past month that turned out to be pretty darn good!).

I have learned on this journey that God's timing is not necessarily my own and there's really nothing I can do about it. If I'm actually pregnant this cycle, I think God is up there laughing it up at the hilarious "plan" I have for next cycle and especially that I just told my mom yesterday about the injectibles. If I'm not, that is okay. I'm sure His plan to expand our family will knock my socks off more than I can imagine!

Pumpkin Muffins

Thanks so much for all your encouraging comments yesterday! It is so great to know that we're not alone, isn't it?

As your payment for your sentiments, here is the recipe I used for my pumpkin muffins! It is out of my Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. My mom uses one that is slightly altered from this recipe, but I couldn't find her piece of paper! I halved everything because I only had about 3/4 of a can of pumpkin, and it made 12 really nice bigger-size muffins. (Since I halved all the ingredients, using 3/4 can of pumpkin was relatively more pumpkin, but they taste great!)

3 c sugar
1 c vegetable/canola oil
4 eggs
3 1/3 c flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
2/3 c water
1 15-oz can of pumpkin puree

(The full recipe makes 2 loaves or 24 muffins.)

Preheat oven to 350F. Grease loaf pans and/or muffin tins.

In the mixing bowl, beat the sugar and oil. Add eggs and beat well.

In another bowl, combine flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Alternately add flour mixture and water to sugar mixture, beating on low speed after each addition until combined. Beat in pumpkin. Spoon batter into prepared pans.

Bake at 350F for 55-65 minutes (loaves) or until a toothpick comes out clean. (For muffins, I think I checked them at 20 minutes and they maybe needed 5-6 more minutes?) Cool in pans for 10 minutes and then transfer to racks to cool completely.

EAT!!! They are heavenly warm with a little bit of butter :)

PS. I have heard that pumpkin helps implantation, so those of you in the 2ww, you better get baking!! If you become pregnant after eating one of these muffins, I get to name the baby ;-) Hahahahahahahaaha!

Another One Bites the Dust

Don't you just love those Monday-morning emails that let you know that one of your closest friends from college is almost 16 weeks pregnant? My close friends are in the middle of a "reply all" firestorm of what is new with each of us, and I haven't replied yet... and after this one this morning, I feel like replying "Well, I'm not pregnant!"

:-P

I am "lucky" in that I don't have many geographically close friends who are expecting/have millions of small babies and/or children. I know several friends, struggling with infertility, who are seeing their friends in their second pregnancy while my friends' arms are still empty. I can't even imagine how tough that is.

But for me, the little group of college buddies (we're all spread over the midwest/eastern US) is my paradigm, and it was my comfortable place (until, I guess, about a year ago?) where I didn't feel so behind for not having kids. Most of us were married (more on that in a minute), but none of them were chomping at the bit to have kids- we were just enjoying being 20-something married young professionals. So even though Mr. A and I were trying and praying, it was okay within the confines of my college buddies that our efforts weren't being...fruitful. They weren't obsessing about pregnancies and babies, so it was safe for my heart around them. (They didn't and still don't know that we're trying.)

Fast forward to now, where 3 of them have toddlers, 1 (newly added this morning!) is due in the spring, 2 just got married last year, and 1 of them is not married. And then me. Married almost 4.5 years. All the moms continually send barrages of photo's and updates on what their kids are doing and apparently do not care about anything non-kid related because any time the non-moms send out any updates, it is like we sent an email about grass growing. I knew in my heart that I'd have to field another announcement before my own, but it just stinks.

I know in my head and my heart that I shouldn't compare the timeline God has for me to the timeline He has for them, but I find this news hitting hard this morning. Not only am I being left behind by almost 30's that I don't even know, but now I'm being left behind by the relationships that used to be my haven.

And yet, speaking of havens, my friend who isn't even married has been a rock to me in the last year when the email updates have become nauseating. As much as I feel left out becuase we don't have kids, can you imagine how she feels without a husband, compared to the rest of us who are all married? (Although, thanks to eharm.ony, she is now dating the love of her life!) We have had many uplifting phone calls to bolster each other in our separate journeys. She has been a HUGE blessing this past year. We are each missing something different from our lives, but I think the commonality of missing something validates the disappointment, sadness, and discouragement that we feel. I am so thankful for her- and I can't wait for her wedding!!

I am actually the most upset that I have been in a long time. I don't know why- it isn't necessarily that she's pregnant and I'm not- I really think it's because that whole reality is changing. Without me. It is really hard for me to deal with the fact that pregnancies change relationships- I haven't had one friend (edited to clarify "in real life" friend), who's now become a mom, seem even remotely interested in what's going on with me since they had their kids.

Through the tears, I'll try to hang on to the promise that God has for my life and my family. I pray He will sustain me through volunteering this afternoon, because I will not be able to do it on my own. I feel like pounding on the gates of Heaven: "SHOW ME YOUR FACE, OH LORD!!!"

A post-it on my computer has a verse from Job on it: "I know You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2) That's what I'll be repeating today.

Gurgly

I thought it was about time for a photo... hehe!


My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

My lower abdomen has been gurgly since dinner, which usually happens at the end of my 2ww, so I'm pretty sure this cycle isn't "it". I did have a somewhat soapy taste in my mouth after breakfast, an odd-tummy-feeling afternoon, and I'm still feeling a tad tender up top (which usually has worn off by now), but it's most likely nothing. I am really at peace with starting another cycle- time to bring out the big guns (i.e. needles)!! I'd be happy to start earlier than Thursday, since that would ease the timing with Mr. A being out of town on CD13. We will see what God's plan is relative to mine- if history is any teacher, it will be different!

I did make some pumpkin muffins yesterday, and they were SO GOOD. I promise to post the recipe. I also have a Raspberry Crumble recipe that I've been making with our very own raspberries, but you could use frozen, too! I doubt either recipe fits in with some of your super healthy diets, but maybe you can alter them to meet your needs....

We had a really nice weekend- today was the perfect day for line-drying laundry; I felt like some idyllic wife hanging up the load of whites- super white tshirts fluttering in the wind against a beautiful blue backdrop with puffy white clouds, and the green mountains in the distance!

Cozy Day

All the windows are open, there's a chill in the air, and Banana is laying on the chair napping under a beach towel with the tip of her tongue peeking ever so slightly out of her mouth. It is SO CUTE!!

I am comfy in the recliner listening to the rain and trying to predict how soon I'll fall asleep if I open my book. Haha!

I felt pretty foggy-headed this morning, so I am so glad I decided to make cinnamon rolls last night (they rise overnight), so all I had to do was bake them this morning and make coffee, and bacon on the Ge.orge Forem.an for breakfast!! The best thing about that breakfast is that we the uneaten rolls go into the fridge (still in the dish), and the grill plates are dishwasher safe, so the only dishes to do are the coffee pot and tongs (for the bacon)!!! Awesome.....

We don't really have any plans for the day! I imagine I will try to curl up with my book and just take it easy. It's nice to have this calm weekend before next one, when I anticipate having to give myself my first follistim shot!! Times are a'changin'! I am feeling pretty excited about what God has in store for me in the coming weeks!!

Maybe I'll make some pumpkin muffins for a warm treat! What are everyone's favorite warm, cozy, comfort foods? Hope your hearts and homes will be warmed today, too!

Grab Bag

Guess what? I had to pee at 3am this morning. oooOOOOooo! Haha!

It has been a rainy, on-the-chillier-side morning, so much so that Banana didn't want to finish (or barely start) her walk, so we came home, saw Mr. A off to work with his coffee, and read/napped together on the couch for a while before I gravitated to my workstation. She is now laying with her head on my foot- so freakin cute!!

My honeymoon-baby friend responded to an email from another of us mentioning the flooding in GA, and she commented that there are probably going to be alot of babies born 9 months from now. My reaction this morning bordered on apathetic disgust/disbelief. Despite the fact that my good friend wrote this and despite that I'm longing to have this happen to me, with or without a natural disaster, I can't believe that people (in general) are so flippant about statistics like this that it's almost comical to them. It's like putting reproduction in the same category as "prices for oranges will be up this year due to the hurricane". What happens to the couple who has been desperately trying for kids for 3 years who happens to become pregnant this month? How do they respond when they are lumped in with all the ne'er-do-well's who were simply holed up without anything else to do, so they just decided to hop in the sack (and of course, successfully conceived!!). I'm not really upset about it, I just think that it's sad that the miracle of creation gets watered down so much that it becomes a joke to some people.

Off my soap box! (I have always wanted to say that- but what is a soap box anyway? Ha!)

As for a cycle update, I'm 9dpo, and this morning when I woke up for real, I thought, "only 4 more days"...it might be 5, who knows. I have been true to myself as far as not dwelling on what, if anything, I specifically feel, especially since I've felt it all before and it's never meant anything. That has made this 2ww pretty easy so far. So I am thankful for that! A special congrats to Baby Hungry who just got her BFP this morning on cycle 1 of clomid- she gets switched to the "Baby Bump" category (did you notice I sectioned my blog list?)- I can't wait until there are more Baby Bumps than not!!!

No big plans for the weekend- I think it's supposed to rain again tomorrow, but I am loving the fall temps and would love to just curl up with my book for a few hours!! Maybe I'll make dough for cinnamon rolls for breakfast tomorrow...

Thankful for Infertility?

While I'm Waiting had this great post yesterday, and I thought, "What a great idea! I should try it myself." In turn, I challenge the rest of you, too! Come on... DO IT!!!!

Top 15 Reasons I'm thankful for Infertility

15. I have heard that babies add like a load of laundry per day. Luckily, with infertility, I only have to do 3 loads of clothes on Saturday morning, and a load of towels and sheets during the week!

14. Since there's no baby in the nursery yet, it's one less bedroom I feel guilty about not vacuuming on a regular basis...

13. I believe that God called me to begin volunteering at the pregnancy center using the extreme awareness of the preciousness of life that has been built by infertility. I'm not sure I would have answered/responded to the call to volunteer without the journey He's led me on.

12. Infertility has provided me with a wealth of experience (emotional, physical, spiritual) with dealing with the struggle of infertility, that some say 11% of couples will experience, but with struggle in general. I hope I'll be able to use this experience in the rest of my days to comfort others who are struggling with any hardship, especially infertility.

11. The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more sick leave I can save for maternity leave!! (We don't have paid maternity leave.) Right now, I have almost 14 weeks saved!!!! (Maybe I should save some for the next maternity leave...oh wait... hahahahha!)

10. Infertility has bestowed upon me a sensitivity for all-things-pregnancy that I never would have had without this journey. I used to scoff (not externally) at pregnant women (okay, sometimes I still do) because I assumed that it happened easily for them. Well, genius, if 11% of couples struggle with infertility, there is a good chance that that pregnant lady knows what it's like to try and try and try.... This also extends to rudely asking other couples/girls who are of childbearing age about their reproductive plans- definitely don't do that anymore!

9. I would have never believed it, but infertility has allowed me to begin to repair my relationship with my mom. She has been a wonderful support since I told her last November, and I can't wait to announce to her that she's going to be a Grandma. In other areas, I think it's helped her realize that people might be struggling with something that they're not telling her, so it's best to reign in the invasive questioning...

8. This time before baby has allowed us to become pretty solid financially. Not that money is everything, but I can't imagine how stressful it is to have a new baby and financial worries. I am thankful that Mr. A took great initiative and set up a tight, but doable, budget for our family in January 2009 that has allowed us to save much more this year than in past years.

7. Infertility has forced me to deal with my inclination toward impatience. Impatience while on this journey gets me nowhere. Patience, on the other hand, allows me to take things day-by-day and not worry about peer comparisons or society expectations. Patience, I have learned, lends calm to my situation, and I've tried to let it permeate other areas of my life, too!

6. I have "met" so many new friends on this road! Mr. A cautioned me a while back against believing everything/everyone that presents itself/themselves on the internet because there are people who say they're something they're not. While I totally appreciate his concern for my safety/sanity, I had to tell him that it'd be pretty hard to fake talking about all-things-RE-related. You'd have to be a pretty desperate faker to go into CM patterns! I so appreciate all of the support I've found through blogging and other new friendships :)

5. Infertility has encroached a couple "old friend" relationships, and while I don't wish this struggle on anyone, I am so glad that my old friends and I can support each other through the ups and downs. I never thought that we'd be dealing with this, but it is great to know that our friendship is there in good times and bad!!

4. I have been blessed with a newfound appreciation for compassion to all. Even pregnant women. What?! Ha! Through my experiences with infertility and my volunteer work, I have come to the realization that everyone has a cross. EVERYONE. And so they deserve compassion regarding whatever that cross may be. It was a toughie to universally accept this- pregnant ladies ordering an entire suite of furniture in Po.ttery Bar.n Kid.s wearing Ste.ve Madd.en shoes and carrying a huge Coac.h bag do not seem to portray a cross, do they? ;-)

3. I have a way more deep appreciation for the magnitude of the blessing that children are. I always knew that children were so precious, and of course I would have been thankful for my child if I'd gotten pregnant easily, but the longing for our first child(ren) has intensified that realization inifinitely so. I know there are many Christian women who become pregnant easily, and I'm sure they are grateful for their children, but I think in some instances, the ease by which they become pregnant, and sometimes (regrettably) the child, is taken for granted. It is always a huge miracle, and I for one intend on celebrating that miracle every day. (Remind me, okay? Haha) Morning sickness? Praise God! Backache? How awesome is the Lord's creation! People don't become pregnant just because they want to (or not, as the case may be?)- they become pregnant because God chooses to create a new soul with their participation on His timeline, whether or not it coincides with theirs.

2. Hands down, infertility has blessed our marriage. Bizarro world! We are absolutely a better team (even better than we were before), and we have become closer through these struggles. I think we cherish these times with just the two of us way more than we did at the beginning of our marriage. We see some of our friends who had kids right away, whose marriage is rocky and un-intimate, because instead of being able to focus on their marriage at the beginning, they were clashing over how their life will change/has change because of baby. I am so thankful for our marriage, and I pray daily that God will continue to bless and sustain it. I think it's also given us, as a married couple, that much more excitement about when we'll be able to announce the big news!

1. Infertility has allowed me to deepen my faith and trust in God's plan (not just my own) to take care of us and bless us according to His will, even when the chips are down. I honestly don't think I'd be where I am, spiritually, had it not been for this chapter of my life!!

Whoa. That was tough!!! Now it's your turn!