The Goings Ons

Have I really not posted since Wednesday?! GEEZ. Darn job! Haha!

And that being said, nothing much has been going on. Well, except a couple more updates from/about the RE.

Mr. A and I had to get our blood tested for H.I V and H.E P before we proceed with IVF. Now, it's not like either of us are anywhere near being in a risk group for those things, but just like how I was worried I had cysts with no symptoms before my very first u/s last October, somehow after we had our bloodtests, I became worried that we would be positive without any symptoms!! Hahahahaha :) Do you think I'm crazy? Mr. A sure did!

Anyway, all tests were negative.

"I TOLD YOU SO!" says Mr. A ;-)

But I blame infertility for my worries. After all, we had no symptoms of being infertile either. And look where we are! Do you think how you're dealing with infertility has affected how you deal with other worries/situations, too?

But anyway, meds will be ordered tomorrow. I was talking with my nurse about how, based on my response to 250iu follistim last cycle, the RE does not expect to retrieve more than 6 eggs. He said this does not decrease our percentage of success, and it is true that we were feeling led towards a lower stim cycle anyway, but I wanted to ask one more time about the dosage. My nurse said that she does not know of any IVF cycle where my doc has prescribed more than 325iu, or else they risk hyperstimulating me and getting the whole thing cancelled. So, alright. I feel like I have asked enough about it, and that God is telling me not to fret anymore. How I respond is completely up to Him. If He is going to bless us with a baby with this cycle, He will orchestrate everything necessary. (Thank you all for your encouraging comments on my ivf post!!)

And speaking of our baby, I have always told everyone that I want a boy first. But I think God is preparing my heart to be open to a girl first. We shall see :) Just prayin' for a healthy baby-- boy or girl.

Happy 200 :)

In honor of this, my 200th stream of consciousness, I'm going to give out some awards that have been graciously given to me :)

Ashley at For the Love of Shoes and a Baby gave me two! Whoa. Thank you so much! The first is the sunshine award- "The Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world. I am now going to pass along the sunshine and present this award to some of my favorite bloggers who make my day "A Sunshine Day!"

Just like her, I'm rolling the sunshine and the next "Going Places" one (and the third one below) all into one big award-a-palooza!

The "Going Places" Rules: Post where you’d like to be in 10 years and then give it to 10 bloggers.


The Type A Nightmare gave me the Happy 101 award :) Gotta love the type-A love :) When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too.

So here is my award homework:
1. Tell where I'd like to be in 10 years. (Do I get extra credit if I'm still blogging in 10 years and can link back to this post?) I'd like to be the work from home mom of 3 kids (Ages 9 & 9 (twins) and 7). I'd love to still be living in the same area as we do now, and I'd love to feel more at home in a church. Banana will be old, but as sweet and precious as ever. Mr. A will be a rockstar dad. We'll have sold our rental property and almost paid off our current house. Mr. A and I will have seen our awesome marriage strengthened by our awesome kids- and we will still get up on Saturday and make an amazing big breakfast together, but this time we'll have 3 extra helpers :)

2. 10 things that make my day:
*A breakfast combo from the local bagel place: Chocolate brewed coffee and a sausage, egg, and cheese asiago bagel
*Walking Banana
*Talking to one of my sibs
*Making a great dinner that we really enjoy
*Getting alot accomplished at work
*Swiffering
*Reading a devotional that really hits home
*Watching any episode of The Office
*Daydreaming of what our kids will be like
*Being married to Mr. A- whether it's hearing about his day or listening to his hilarious grumpiness in the morning or laughing together at something so funny we both have tears in our eyes or pretty much anything else that we do together :)

And here are the people I nominate!
1. Hoping for a Baby
2. Mis(sed)conception
3. TTC Hopeful
4. While I'm Waiting
5. Thoughts from a Blonde
6. Misson: Motherhood
7. Everyday Blessings
8. Such a Good Egg
9. I will be a mom...Someday
10. One who understands

Okay! Get on your homework!! :) So glad we can all connect like this- it's such a blessing!!

(PS. Just wanted to add that getting great comments/emails also makes my day! Didn't want to leave that one out- I guess nowadays the joy I get from blogging is a given!! Thank everyone so much!)

IVF Consult

Sound the air horn, we are on our way!

Our appointment yesterday went really well, except that my nurse thought the RE would do an u/s first, so I was up on the table with a sheet on (and nothing else that is, ahem, important on CD4...) when the RE came in and proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think an u/s is necessary today and then launches seamlessly into the consult. So needless to say, after a little over an hour of sitting up there, me and the table were a mess. Thank goodness for that paper and huge pad-looking-thing over the table!! I felt sorry to just leave it like that, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know how to change the paper, and it's CD4, people!!!

The other funny thing was that a resident came in to talk to me before the RE did. She goes "So, the RE did an IUI 2 weeks ago, and what has happened since then? Did you get your period?"

Um.

Haha.

I kind of felt bad for her- I answered as calmly and as nonchalantly as I could that yes, I got my period.... (And Mr. A mentioned after the appt that she looked bored when we were going over IVF. Perhaps this isn't the specialty for her?)

But anyway, down to business. My RE is great about explaining things and very thorough so he answered all of our questions and did a nice job of going through everything. I'll have another appt with him on CD21 (March 11), where he will do an u/s and, if there are no cysts, I'll start lupron.

The one thing that he said that is kind of a bummer is that with my response to follistim so far, he expects to retrieve no more than 6 eggs (I was already on 250iu for the last IUI, and the max dosage he generally gives is 300iu). Now, I should say that Mr. A and I are personally not too keen on freezing embryo's, so in a sense, the fact that I (probably) won't have many eggs, and therefore embryo's, is kind of a wierd lineup of physical and emotional/spiritual situations. But then you always hear of people who come out of ER with 23 eggs or something, and the engineer in me feels like there cannot be as good of a chance with retrieving only 6. But then I remind myself that we don't to have to freeze alot of embies. So around in circles I go.

But the RE actually said that if he retrieves 6 eggs and 5 are mature, that is way better than 23 eggs that are mostly not mature. And he said that just because they retrieve a smaller number of eggs doesn't really diminish our chance of success, either.

And amidst all of the talk about what we want, I am constantly reminded that it's pretty ridiculous of me to talk about how many embryo's we want. We are praying for a healthy baby blessing this year. I am reminded that God is the giver and sustainer of life, and it will be up to HIM as to how I respond this time, and how many embryo's He creates, and how many He sustains to the point where they can be transferred. And how many babies we bring home in December. (Oh yes, have I mentioned that if ER is April 1, my due date is December 23??? Have I mentioned that for the last two April's, I was so excited that I'd be due around Christmas?)

We left the appointment feeling a tad overwhelmed with all the info that is real now, but thankful that we were able to have he consult so quickly after the start of a new cycle. We are thankful to have the opportunity to see what God will do with our upcoming IVF. We are praying that I will respond well and that we will be blessed with good fertilization and healthy strong embryo's, and that God would bless us with peace and contentment no matter the outcome He has for us. We are praying for a baby blessing, but nevertheless, His will be done.

A Better Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

IVF versus Catholics

I have been really frustrated lately by the posts about how Catholics who follow the church teachings are bearing such a heavy cross. As if people who don't follow the church teachings aren't bearing a heavy infertility cross.

I feel like I want to provide support to Catholic women who are considering ART (IUI/IVF). Not saying they have to do ART, but just that there's someone else out there who's thinking what they are. And I feel pretty confident in my take on things, so I'm not planning on engaging any super-Catholic debates about this. When I was searching for support about taking this path, I couldn't really find anything to support what I felt in my heart. And that was to try IUI and/or IVF.

Maybe some people would say that I shouldn't even refer to myself as Catholic because I don't follow or believe in 100% of the doctrine and teachings. To them I would say that I don't believe in everything Am.erica is doing or stands for right now either, and I still call myself Ameri.can. (And, to be honest, I haven't identified myself as such on this blog because I don't want people to assume what I believe. I have my own interpretations of things, and while they are 100% Christian, they do not line up exactly with Catholic doctrine, and I'm totally comfortable with that.)

The biggest issue that is raised is that ART does not allow the baby to be conceived from mutual self giving of the spouses with collaboration from God. As if going through the entire IVF process doesn't require mutual self giving of the spouses. In some ways, I think it brings out the ultimate in mutual self giving, with all the patience and sensitivity and care that come with all the shots and procedures!! And on the contrary, I think it could be argued that, in the case of timed intercourse, many times it is the wife who knows she's about to ovulate and is demanding the hubby hop in the sack without concern of whether or not he'd like to- that is not exactly mutual self giving, nor is that kind of "act" the most loving or romantic display, either!! (I realize that the church is only talking about s-ex when they say "mutual self giving", but that can be construed pretty broadly.) Also, it's not like a married couple who is going through IVF isn't going through it without amazing (mutual) love for each other and hope for a future child.

And I also think it's important to note that although the docs in the lab can even go so far as to fertilize the eggs, GOD is still the creator of life- even science cannot make an embryo or, possibly more importantly, sustain it. That is all collaboration from God, right there.

The other thing that gets thrown around is that we do not have a right to a child. And technically, I agree. But just because you don't have a right to something doesn't mean you can't try to have it anyway. I didn't have a right to a college education, but I certainly tried and persevered to get one. I don't have a right to a big savings account, but I will do everything I can to have one. And similarly to ART, the things I tried while getting my degree or adding to the savings account don't guarantee that I'll achieve my goal. Nothing is every guaranteed, except that God's will will prevail.

I feel like I should point out that we are against disposing of embryo's and really don't like the idea of freezing them, either. And I think that is one of the things that gets muddled into the debate- from what I have experienced, people who strictly follow church teaching seem to think that if you are willing to try some sort of ART, you are excitedly looking forward to creating 30 embryo's and carelessly disposing of half of them. I believe that there are very discernable ways that a Christian can go through IVF with the utmost respect for human life and for God as our creator.

I think it is really sad that the church is so flamboyant about the glory of motherhood and yet provides no support to couples who feel compelled to seek available treatment in the form of IUI or IVF for their infertility. God is still in charge of creating and sustaining life. The life is still borne out of incredible self-sacrificing love (emotional and physical) between a married couple. The church has its own version of treating infertility, but what if the couple isn't feeling led to try that method? Would the church rather alienate it's young adult population than embrace what are God-honoring decisions on the path to parenthood?

If the answer to that question could be measured in the amount of young adults in our church, it would be the former. There are very very few young adults in our parish, and I suspect that part of the reason is because of the exclusive nature of many of the teachings. And what are some of responses to this? That the church has survived because it has held fast to its teachings. That the church cannot be willy nilly endorsing all kinds of new technology or new ideas. And I agree that you have to have some boundaries and standards, but these should be re-evaluated and possibly fine-tuned so you can best support your members!!

When I was talking to my aunt about this, she felt that it was important for me to consider that my conscience, guided by the Holy Spirit, is going to be my guide here. She reminded me that there was a time when the church teachings included that it was "right" to return a sla.ve to his owner. My, how things have changed. Here's hoping that the future will bring a changed teaching about ART, too.

So anyway, if you are reading this as a Catholic who is considering ART, know that you're not alone. My hubby and I prayed a ton about which direction to take, and I think you have to go with your gut on this one. And, I don't think you should feel bad about breaking with this teaching. I have talked to so many people who did ART and then felt like they couldn't be Catholic anymore. Come on. Your decisions are between you and God, and if you feel like God is calling you to try ART, go for it. Although I would say that it's a good idea to set your boundaries to be respectful of life, but this is very doable.

And I hope that if you're a super-Catholic who disagrees with everything I said, that you'd take a moment and realize that I'm not attacking you personally. This is just my viewpoint on this issue. To be honest, I am floored that there are so many who adhere unquestioningly to the church's teachings on this. I'm sure there are alot of things that we do agree on, number one that we agree to disagree on this point. But there are, like me, some people who don't agree with everything the church teaches. And how you respond to them can either encourage them to stay or cause them to leave. And I'm pretty sure you'd want to them to stay, right?

Starting anew

Yesterday afternoon and early evening, there were more than several tears.

Which reminds me, my apologies for the run of somber-sounding posts lately! I am surprising myself for sure. I can't wait to feel like the normal me again.

I had decided early in the day yesterday that I was going to make some serious comfort food dinner... chicken & dumplings and fresh wheat bread. When the dumplings ended up being on the mushy-looking side, I couldn't hold back the crying any longer. Not only can I not make a baby, I can also not make a stinkin dumpling!!! So when Mr. A called to say he was on his way home, I sobbingly suggested that maybe he should go to his friend's place for dinner since our dinner was crap.

I don't know about your husband, but Mr. A does not respond so well to crying. He is a fix-it kind of guy, and he sees crying as something to be remedied, so (bless his heart) his first reaction is to tell me to just calm down. Which, in my bleary head, seems a little kurt. As if the problem is that he's hungry, and he's telling me to make him a sandwich to fix the problem.

But I know that he doesn't mean any harm or distress. He is just trying to fix his teary-eyed wife.

Which is not always the easiest do-it-yourself project.

I am just thankful that in our marriage, we can cut the crap and have an honest, compassionate, and gentle discussion about how x behavior makes us feel and why y behavior might be more well-received. I was not responding positively when he was trying to reassure me that things will be alright (apparently, a few less tears is not a positive enough response...haha!), and he didn't really get that telling me to just calm down was not exactly comforting.

His best line of the night? "I'd be completely happy if I had just you for the rest of my life."

Swoon.

I mean, we obviously long for children alot. But I feel the same way about him. I was making a "worst scenario list", and the worst case scenario I can think of is that the ivf doesn't work, and we go through a failed adoption. But how can I say that a lifetime with my awesome hubby to myself is the worst case scenario?!

And that being that, and after one of those to-die-for hugs, I received an affectionate slap to the rear-end as I finished up the dishes.

God, thank You for my husband. I am truly blessed.

...

I was "spotting" maroon by 8pm, so I didn't take my nightly progesterone supposit. I'm going to call my nurse this morning and see when our ivf consult is going to be. They usually start meds on cd21 of the cycle prior to the retrieval, etc. If I am figuring correctly, ER could take place on April 1. How appropriate!

We have had 3 new starts in the last year- clomid, then injectables, then iui.

Time for another new start.

Here's hoping and praying that starting over is a thing of the past.

Spotting...

Had very light (color and quantity) brown spotting from last night until about 8am this morning.... 14dpiui today...

Historically speaking, spotting is not a good sign...

I haven't tested, but if I still haven't started by tomorrow, I'll probably take a test in the morning...

So many questions unanswered right now...

PS. What a great day to find out a college friend is pregnant with NUMBER TWO!!! :-P