New verse

Long before M was conceived, I chose Isaiah 66:14 to pray for our child.  It was scrawled on a post-it on my computer monitor, where I saw it while I worked each day.  It is what I prayed as I sat on the tub holding our first positive test, two years ago.

Last night, in reflecting on my current position in my journey to/through motherhood, I decided I needed a new verse to "claim", as some would say, to allow me to focus on the right things, and not get bogged down in my own ideas. 

One of my favorite hymns is "Eye Has Not Seen", and we sang it in church a few weeks ago, and it has become one of my favorite songs to sing to M as she drifts to sleep.  It occurred to me that this is the perfect verse for me right now, and so it's going up on a post-it this afternoon:

"But as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, nor the heart of man imagined- the things God has prepared for those who love Him."

CD1

OBVIOUSLY.  It would have been too easy, too perfect, to get another BFP almost exactly 2 years later.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.  Or to fertile people. 

All morning I have been arguing with myself.  There is the one half of me who is bummed, sarcastic, and insecure.  Then there is the other half of me who sees no reason to complain: there is a perfect little 15-month old peacefully sleeping upstairs after making pie dough and playing with her babydoll and running errands with me this morning.

Over the weekend, I caught myself several times thinking, wow I have finally hit my mom stride.  I work out every day, eat well, work full time, practice yoga, make all 98% of our meals from scratch (aside from the maybe one or two times we go out to eat every month), and be the best mom I can be to M.  I recently got this cookbook, and I have been way reinspired to make nearly everything homemade, from scratch.  Over the weekend, among normal meals, I made granola, 2 loaves of bread, pasta dough into ravioli (enough for 2 meals), breadcrumbs, lots of vegetable purees for secretly nutritional things (although M loves her veggies- she eats peas and green beans before anything else on her plate!), and this morning I made pie dough for my own toaster pastries, i.e. pop tarts.  It feels awesome!! 

I knew I was towards the end of my cycle, and this weekend I found myself thinking back to the first few months with M when I was a cooking mess- nothing was ready on time, much less at the same time as any other part of the meal, and I just could not get it together.  (I know, I've retroactively cut myself some slack, but I felt like such a huge failure at the time.)  But as I've been preparing all of these awesome things from my own kitchen, I was thinking, what if I'm pregnant?  Will I be able to keep this up when the new baby comes?

Which is just hilarious, as the CVS clerk can attest to the 2 huge boxes of pads I bought this morning.  Hahahahaha!

And then last night I started spotting, and I just thought to myself, well duh.  Why were you even hoping?

This morning I have been going back and forth all over the place.  One minute I am just so disappointed (although to be honest, our timing stunk last cycle, so it was a crazy long shot), and the other minute, I am so grateful that I can give M my undivided attention and love.  One minute, I am so jealous of people who get pregnant easily, and the other minute, I am beating myself up because how dare I complain- I have been blessed with M (and also because technically, we got pregnant with her "easily", in that we were on no meds and doing nothing except normal babymaking)!!!

It's a weird thing.  I apologize if this is hurtful for those of you with empty arms; if it seems insensitive that I'm complaining about CD1 even though we have M. We are so, so grateful for her, and she is 100% filled the hole in our family.  When it comes down to it, we are completely happy if God's plan for our family is the three of us.

But how long do I let myself wonder if our family will ever be any bigger?

Who me? An award!

Did you know I still have (at least) one reader?  AND, I didn't even know she was a reader!  How fun was it for me to check my email, and see that I've been nominated for an award by Erica at Home of the Hansens.  I have just gone over and gotten to know her blog, and she has a beautiful daughter and seems of a very similar spirit as me.  I'm so so glad she nominated me, so I can add her to my blogroll and keep up with her!!  Thank you, Erica!

So anyway, she has given me the Liebster Award, and here are the details:

1. List 11 facts about yourself
2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you left
3. Ask 11 new questions for those you nominate
4. Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate
5. Go to each bloggers page and let them know about the award
6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog

Here are 11 facts about me!

1.  I am addicted to Lands End clothes.  Especially since I've lost 30 lbs since September, and I literally needed some new clothes that fit.  Someone take their website down!  Hahaha
2. I took classical ballet for 8 years when I was younger (gradeschool/middleschool), and I was in our production of The Nutcracker each year, so I was everything from a soldier (my first year) to a snowflake and Arabian (solo) (my last year)!
3. Roasted Chicken is one of my favorite things to make for dinner.  Not only is it pretty easy to make (just stuff some herb butter under the skin and on the outside and throw it in the oven for a couple hours), but it is so versatile- you can make stock from the bones, and unless you have a family of 5 or something, you can get at least 2 meals from the meat!
4. One of my goals for 2013 is a whole-house purge.  Every closet is (hypothetically) going to get emptied, and stuff we dont use is either going to the trash or the early summer neighborhood yard sale.
5. I've been at my job for ten and a half years.  WHOA.  Where on earth did the time go?  
6. I have been practicing yoga for 2 years now, and I absolutely love it.  I love the meditative side for quiet moments, and the power/flow side for weight loss and cardio!  I am by no means an expert (I tried to do a headstand against the wall, and all I have to say is YAH RIGHT!  hahahhahaha), but I guess I will get more adventurous as the years go by :)
7.  I love to be outside.  I take M outside to play at every opportunity, and I hope she grows up liking being outside with me!
8. I've run 2 full marathons (4:02 and 4:19), 2 half marathons (1:56 and 2:04), and lots of 10-milers.  That was in my previous running life, but I absolutely loved running!  Maybe someday I will be the super-fit 50-something who goes cruising by the 20-something in the last mile ;-)
9. I'm the oldest of 4 kids...and now that we are all grown up, we are really good friends :)
10. I really want to keep up better with my blog.  I am thinking about making a commitment to myself to post once a week.  That shouldn't be too hard, should it?
11. I've never been to New York City- the traffic and chaos kind of scares me!!

Here are my answers to her questions!

1. If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you choose?  One of my younger siblings.  I think it would be so neat to have an older sibling.

 

2. Favorite season and why  It used to be summer, but since we moved to our rural mountain/valley location 5 years ago, my favorite season is fall I think.  It so beautiful, and the temperatures are refreshing after the hot summer

3. Who is your greatest role model? (And don't say Jesus.)  I think I would choose my Aunt.  She is an awesome wife and mom, and also she is incredibly faithful/spiritual, and amidst all the hurry of managing her large family, she still makes time for herself and hobbies that make her happy. 

4. What is one thing you hope the next generation will change?  I hope they will get back to more traditional values and expectations of hard work and success.

 

5. If you had to live every day in the same pair of shoes, what shoes would you pick?  My driving mocs from Lands End.  (see #1 of facts about me, hahahaha)

 

6. How many children do you hope to have? (And do you have names picked out?)  I would love to have 3, but after how long it took to conceive M, I am not holding my breath.  I dream of being one of the infertile-turned-fertile people, but also not holding my breath...   We like the name Felix if we ever have a boy..?

 

7. What are three words you would hope someone would use to describe you?  Optimistic, Generous, Friendly

8. What is your worst habit?  Not washing my face at night

 

9. What is your favorite scent?  Homemade rolls baking.  Or anything cooking that fills the house with a homey scent :)

 

10. In one sentence, what do you believe is the purpose of life?  I believe that one should live their lives in a way which inspires others to be the best people they can be and not settle for mediocre or what everyone else is doing or what is cool at the time.

 

11. If you could excel in any special skill or talent, what would you choose?  I would choose being patient all the time.  Haha :) 

 

 

Here are my nominees!

 

Lady Grey

Waiting for Something Beautiful

Sillyness Abounds

Day by Day

A child to call me mama

Inconceivable!

Kooking in Kate's Kitchen

Fertile Ramblings

While I'm Waiting

just being

MAC and PC

And now some questions for my nominees!

1.  How did your life change in 2012?
2.  What is one of your goals for 2013?
3.  Real books or e-books?
4.  What is your favorite dessert?
5.  What do you like most about your personality?
6.  Where do you volunteer (or where would you like to, if you had the time)?
7.  What is your favorite book and/or author?
8.  What do you do to relax after a long day?
9.  What is your favorite holiday?
10.  Who are your pets?
11.  How would you rate your cooking skills?

Hopefully we can all find new things to connect about!  Thanks again Erica for nominating me for this award :)

Post Christmas

Home again, home again.  I am so grateful that we love coming home.  When I was little (and even now), my mom always resented my dad for having a job in a city 10 hours from her parents, and so every time we left my grandparents' house, she cried and cried and chewed out my dad for the first couple hours of the drive home.  My mom still cries when we leave their house- I hope she doesn't mind that I don't, but as much as it is nice to visit them, there is truly no place like home for us.  We would rather be here than anywhere else in the whole world. 

We had a very nice Christmas, and I'm very grateful for smooth travels, and I will not complain too much about the cold I brought home with me. 

I never heard from my friend, but I know that everyone deals with life's struggles differently, and if she needs some time in her shell, so to speak, then that is perfectly fine.  I will be here for her when she is ready.

I started spotting this evening, and it reminded me of 2 years ago, to the day, when I started a new cycle that would bring us our first BFP.  I would be hugely lying if I didn't tell you that I've already thought about how perfect it would be if this cycle also brought us a BFP.  But seriously that would be too easy, so let's just do our best to let that thought go right out the window.  But wouldn't that be neat?  Hahahahaha.

I hope all my readers had good Christmases, and I hope your celebrations were kind and gentle, especially to any of you who are still living with empty arms.

A note

She emailed me back this afternoon  :)

The short and not-so-sweet is that yes, their arms are still empty, and in the meantime life has also dealt them a bunch of crap in general.  Not what any friend wants to hear about another but I was just glad to hear anything.  She is going to call me next week to really catch up.

Please keep both of them, individually and as a married couple, in your prayers.  Her hubby especially, because he's a kindred optimistic-all-the-time spirit like me, and she said he is finally losing hope that he'll be a dad, and it's very hard on him.  I totally feel his pain, because I had pretty much given up hope, too, and as an eternal optimist, that is not an easy thing to do.  (I never lost hope totally, just maybe 90% of it, haha.)

She said she doesn't want to bring me down with talking about still dealing with IF, and I can honestly say that I still think about it all the time, so it's not like I'm living in lala motherhood land where IF has no place.  Is that weird?  Not just because I'd love to "accidentally" conceive another baby as many infertiles do in the fairy tales, but because every time I hug Maryanne and rock her to sleep, I'm reminded of the times when I didn't have any baby to hug, and when I cried to myself in the same rocking chair when I found out another ungrateful friend was pregnant...again.   There are no words to express how thankful I am for M, but I don't think IF in the deepest sense will ever go away for me. 

Sending a prayer of thanks tonight for my friend and her willingness to trust me with her sadness and struggles.  Also sending a prayer that I will be able to be all that she needs me to be as her friend and support system.

No word

I havent heard anything from my friend.  My heart is aching for her.   In all our Christmas cards this year, i included our family picture, and although it took me a while to decide, i put one in her card, too.  I never wanted to be left out and neither did she..  last time we talked. 

I sent her an email "warning" about the picture, and i said if she received it on a hard day, she didnt have to open it.

As i was thinking more about her, what if she is jusy really busy at work?  Is it selfish of me to assume her silence is related to me having M, while her arms are empty?  I just wish id hear from her so i could stop wondering...

On the other side

I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message.  It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi.  I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime.  I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note.  I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch.  I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling.  Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."

Good?  I haven't heard anything back from her...

I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in.  When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it.  By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me.  And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon.  But that sounds so backwards to write.  Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously?  (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)


And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child.  So how can I be bummed?  No possible way!  But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky.  I wish it would be so easy for us."

So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend.  Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.