When us kids were little, we used to go to the same forest every year for a huge extended family vacation. I have alot of really fun memories from there, and one of the best is going down to the river after dinner to skip rocks with my uncles (let's be serious- as an 8 year old, I could not skip rocks like my uncle- I just threw them!). Because it took me a while to get the concept that you wanted flat round rocks, I brought my uncle huge heavy unwieldy rocks for him to skip. Ha. He would gently say he "already had a rock" (convenient!), and that I could throw the one I found. So over to the edge I went and heaved with all my might. Kerplunk. The perfect lob and the telltale sound that a huge rock makes as it plunges to the bottom.
Kind of like what my temp did today.
Ha! I honestly don't know how I temped for a year straight. This is killer! 98.16 after being at 98.4ish for the last 4 days. Ugh.
I kind of thought it was coming. I had a mild headache last night but was definitely not bloated anymore. I usually get a worse headache at the end of the 2ww, so I was not counting myself out because of that, but I definitely did not feel like an inflated balloon anymore. This morning I feel pretty much like normal. The funny thing to me is that it feels so wonderful to not be so bloated, that I am loving feeling normal and not really even grieving (yet?) that I think this cycle is on its way out.
My RE only does 3 cycles of clomid before trying something else (e.g., injectibles and/or IUI), and it occurred to me this morning on my walk with Banana that I need to prepare myself for this situation. How do you prepare yourself for something to fail, when you are hoping and praying and begging for it to work perfectly? I think this is going to take alot of contemplation. I thought for sure that I'd be in the 45%-success-rate-after-3-months-of-clomid group. Is third time really a charm?
I'm sure that this will be on my mind alot in the days ahead. I'm not sure if I'll make myself finish what I started, as far as temping this cycle goes, but if it's anything like my charts from last year, I'll get a small increase tomorrow, and then another small decrease, and then another kerplunk on Monday.
I'll try to remember how much fun I used to have seeing things plunge into the depths!!!
10dpo
Thursday, July 30, 2009
At 10dpo, I'm still making my way through the 2ww without (totally) going bonkers. Do you know how hard it is not to read into symptoms? Oh wait, yes you do. Whew.
I have been having some sensitivity in one of my back teeth that began just in the past couple days. I'll be honest, I don't floss every day (shame on me, I know- please don't yell at me- I know it's important and I promise to be better!), and it kind of felt like I had a popcorn thing stuck or something, so last night I had had enough of this feeling and I went to floss. Oh my heavens. After flossing my entire mouth, I was spitting blood for like 5 times!! (Gross, sorry!) Now, not to worry, this is not normal, and I think I do have good dental hygiene, but I start to get very worried I'm going to have to have major dental surgery or something right when I could be pregnant! What if the xrays harm the potential baby?!
My mouth is still pretty sensitive this morning, and I promise to floss again today (and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day...) to see if there is any difference. But of course then this morning I remember that during pregnancy there is increased blood flow and that sometimes people have these kinds of things happen to them early on.... then I go.ogled it and read that due to hormones during pregnancy, even your mouth chemistry is different and reacts to food particles, etc. differently, so there might be more irritation from them to begin with! Oh heavens.
Then I remind myself that clomid can create all same symptoms as pregnancy when there is none, and I should just stop letting myself run away with all this. I still feel really bloated and fairly tired (tiredness normal in 2ww, though). And I my stomach still feels funny sometimes. And (unless I'm making it up) I feel some tightening cramping type things sometimes. Oh if I could only see inside!!
In the interest of showing my very first temp chart since December 2008, here it is. It is looking pretty good, if I do say so myself. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first cycle I charted in 8 months was our first successful one?
(PS. Sew, if you are reading, I'm still praying for you!!)
I have been having some sensitivity in one of my back teeth that began just in the past couple days. I'll be honest, I don't floss every day (shame on me, I know- please don't yell at me- I know it's important and I promise to be better!), and it kind of felt like I had a popcorn thing stuck or something, so last night I had had enough of this feeling and I went to floss. Oh my heavens. After flossing my entire mouth, I was spitting blood for like 5 times!! (Gross, sorry!) Now, not to worry, this is not normal, and I think I do have good dental hygiene, but I start to get very worried I'm going to have to have major dental surgery or something right when I could be pregnant! What if the xrays harm the potential baby?!
My mouth is still pretty sensitive this morning, and I promise to floss again today (and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day...) to see if there is any difference. But of course then this morning I remember that during pregnancy there is increased blood flow and that sometimes people have these kinds of things happen to them early on.... then I go.ogled it and read that due to hormones during pregnancy, even your mouth chemistry is different and reacts to food particles, etc. differently, so there might be more irritation from them to begin with! Oh heavens.
Then I remind myself that clomid can create all same symptoms as pregnancy when there is none, and I should just stop letting myself run away with all this. I still feel really bloated and fairly tired (tiredness normal in 2ww, though). And I my stomach still feels funny sometimes. And (unless I'm making it up) I feel some tightening cramping type things sometimes. Oh if I could only see inside!!
In the interest of showing my very first temp chart since December 2008, here it is. It is looking pretty good, if I do say so myself. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first cycle I charted in 8 months was our first successful one?
(PS. Sew, if you are reading, I'm still praying for you!!)
At least our veggies grow...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
We picked our first zucchini yesterday! Yes, I know, we are behind a little bit, but we planted our summer stuff late, and so far, nothing seems to be objecting based on that!! Here's a photo of mid-chop, with a couple basil leaves from my herb plant in the right corner:
Saute with some of our OWN onion (the last one)! The onions didn't do great at all, as far as becoming actual onion size, but we got alot of scallions (onions before the onion part gets big), but the one onion that we left in the ground to see if it'd get the normal white onion size didn't really make it to normal white onion size, and well, we are still working on that patience thing...
Add in some tomatoes (not ours- our tomatoes are still green! ha!), garlic, basil, and warm through- then top with some cheese :)
Pair up with some barbeque chicken! YUM!
I've said it before, but it is so cool to eat veggies we grew ourselves!! Oh yah, and we're getting more flowers on our raspberry bush again- looks like we'll get a second round!
In cycle news, we didn't have a stork show up on our doorstep and give us some notice for the coming of our baby, but I did have a fairly big temp spike yesterday and it looks like it's heading triphasic this morning. Of course that doesn't mean anything, and I am definitely not temping next cycle (if there is one, haha). I did screen a video yesterday at the pregnancy center that shows pictures/video from conception to like 30 weeks of a baby, and it was like the war of the minds wanting to believe that is happening right now versus not wanting to lead myself on.
Only God knows if we're also growing a baby in addition to zucchini's....
Saute with some of our OWN onion (the last one)! The onions didn't do great at all, as far as becoming actual onion size, but we got alot of scallions (onions before the onion part gets big), but the one onion that we left in the ground to see if it'd get the normal white onion size didn't really make it to normal white onion size, and well, we are still working on that patience thing...
Add in some tomatoes (not ours- our tomatoes are still green! ha!), garlic, basil, and warm through- then top with some cheese :)
Pair up with some barbeque chicken! YUM!
I've said it before, but it is so cool to eat veggies we grew ourselves!! Oh yah, and we're getting more flowers on our raspberry bush again- looks like we'll get a second round!
In cycle news, we didn't have a stork show up on our doorstep and give us some notice for the coming of our baby, but I did have a fairly big temp spike yesterday and it looks like it's heading triphasic this morning. Of course that doesn't mean anything, and I am definitely not temping next cycle (if there is one, haha). I did screen a video yesterday at the pregnancy center that shows pictures/video from conception to like 30 weeks of a baby, and it was like the war of the minds wanting to believe that is happening right now versus not wanting to lead myself on.
Only God knows if we're also growing a baby in addition to zucchini's....
Pray Urgently for Stellan
Monday, July 27, 2009
Hope everyone's week has started off well. I have been following MckMama for a while now, and her son Stellan is not not not doing well. Please take a moment to pray for him and their family!!
She is truly an example of glorifying God through pain and tears and not fun things. I don't know what plans God has for Stellan, but I know He is so close to their family right now, amidst this heartache.
She is truly an example of glorifying God through pain and tears and not fun things. I don't know what plans God has for Stellan, but I know He is so close to their family right now, amidst this heartache.
State of the Cycle
Sunday, July 26, 2009
At 6pdo today, I remembered, the instant my thermometer beeped, what I have not been missing by not taking my temp these past 7 months. After being 98.31 yesterday, it was 98.14 today... a crushing drop which oblivious naive trying-to-conceive'rs would take and squeal with joy because it's perfect timing for a little implantation dip... and meanwhile I groan and try not to stifle (too much) the little hope that is trying to remind me that I never know, really, but all I can count on after all this time is a secondary estrogen surge. Ugh.
All of that being said, I have never been so bloated EVER as I was last night after we went to dinner with some friends that Mr. A works with. I literally felt HUGE when we got home (not to mention slightly huge when trying to pick out a shirt to wear...), and I feel strange overall from time to time, sometimes I get this strange vibration feeling in the uterus area, and my dreams have really been out of control lately, and I still get weird tenderness/pains up top sometimes. Of course all of these things could be thanks to my lovely new friend clomid, .....or a lovely new blessing(s) growing and thriving in a cozy new home.
I'm praying for the latter, of course.
I probably won't test till next Monday at the earliest because, well, I haven't ever gotten a positive the, oh, 3 times in my whole life I have tested, and more generally, I am a testing scaredy cat.
Which brings to mind that that day (8/3), a patient of mine at the pregnancy center is coming back for her 8-9ish week ultrasound. PERFECT. (sigh) This girl was so excited about being pregnant, she had already told all her friends and family that she might be pregnant and everyone in the whole world is stoked for her. As you may imagine, we don't get many clients who are over the moon about an unexpected pregnancy. She is finishing up college, and she just beamed when we were talking about how the baby is developing now (she was only 5-6ish weeks when I saw her). She is a runner, and she identifies mostly with being Christian rather than the solely denomination she was brought up in. While she was talking at one point, I was just looking at her, and thinking, "Wow, it's like I'm seeing a mirror image of me, especially the day I am positive there's a little one inside." I saw so much of me in her, that it gave me an odd sense of a "vision of the future" that really inspired me to look forward with earnest expectation of that day in my life. In alot of ways, her unbridled enthusiasm really encouraged me to keep hoping!
But when I got home and realized that what the day we'll be looking at her wiggly baby on the tv screen might mean to me. Either it'll mean I need to call CVS and request my final refill of clomid, or (please please please please Lord) I can quietly rejoice in communion with her because (God willing) I'll be carrying my own wiggly baby.
(Aside: I volunteer Monday afternoons, and ever since I started volunteering there, CD1 has been on or very close to a Monday. I have an overriding feeling that I am going to find out we're pregnant on a Monday (hopefully but not necessarily 8/3), and I will have to decide whether to announce the news during our group prayer time that day (before the shift), or whether to wait a couple more weeks.)
I have been really proud of myself lately for how much I think I've been able to give (hurl, throw, launch) this struggle to God for Him to turn it around into a blessing in His time, although I'm sure I could still use help in laying down my burdens. And this time is no different. I pray that He has already created a new little happy, healthy soul who'll be along for the ride until April. I pray with expectation, knowing that I'll see His hand in the creation of our children. But above all, I pray for His will for our family to be done. And that I'll have the courage and faith to trust Him with reckless abandon, whatever comes next.
All of that being said, I have never been so bloated EVER as I was last night after we went to dinner with some friends that Mr. A works with. I literally felt HUGE when we got home (not to mention slightly huge when trying to pick out a shirt to wear...), and I feel strange overall from time to time, sometimes I get this strange vibration feeling in the uterus area, and my dreams have really been out of control lately, and I still get weird tenderness/pains up top sometimes. Of course all of these things could be thanks to my lovely new friend clomid, .....or a lovely new blessing(s) growing and thriving in a cozy new home.
I'm praying for the latter, of course.
I probably won't test till next Monday at the earliest because, well, I haven't ever gotten a positive the, oh, 3 times in my whole life I have tested, and more generally, I am a testing scaredy cat.
Which brings to mind that that day (8/3), a patient of mine at the pregnancy center is coming back for her 8-9ish week ultrasound. PERFECT. (sigh) This girl was so excited about being pregnant, she had already told all her friends and family that she might be pregnant and everyone in the whole world is stoked for her. As you may imagine, we don't get many clients who are over the moon about an unexpected pregnancy. She is finishing up college, and she just beamed when we were talking about how the baby is developing now (she was only 5-6ish weeks when I saw her). She is a runner, and she identifies mostly with being Christian rather than the solely denomination she was brought up in. While she was talking at one point, I was just looking at her, and thinking, "Wow, it's like I'm seeing a mirror image of me, especially the day I am positive there's a little one inside." I saw so much of me in her, that it gave me an odd sense of a "vision of the future" that really inspired me to look forward with earnest expectation of that day in my life. In alot of ways, her unbridled enthusiasm really encouraged me to keep hoping!
But when I got home and realized that what the day we'll be looking at her wiggly baby on the tv screen might mean to me. Either it'll mean I need to call CVS and request my final refill of clomid, or (please please please please Lord) I can quietly rejoice in communion with her because (God willing) I'll be carrying my own wiggly baby.
(Aside: I volunteer Monday afternoons, and ever since I started volunteering there, CD1 has been on or very close to a Monday. I have an overriding feeling that I am going to find out we're pregnant on a Monday (hopefully but not necessarily 8/3), and I will have to decide whether to announce the news during our group prayer time that day (before the shift), or whether to wait a couple more weeks.)
I have been really proud of myself lately for how much I think I've been able to give (hurl, throw, launch) this struggle to God for Him to turn it around into a blessing in His time, although I'm sure I could still use help in laying down my burdens. And this time is no different. I pray that He has already created a new little happy, healthy soul who'll be along for the ride until April. I pray with expectation, knowing that I'll see His hand in the creation of our children. But above all, I pray for His will for our family to be done. And that I'll have the courage and faith to trust Him with reckless abandon, whatever comes next.
Fun Times All Around
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So yah, I got to meet the misfit yesterday! (Did you love our picture? Hehe!) We had a really nice lunch- it was so nice to talk (you know, actually talk instead of "talk") to someone who is also longing so much for a little one amidst the rest of what life throws her way. I did realize though, that I am pretty lucky in the lack-of-kid-bombardment, though- it sounds like she (and alot of the rest of you) has many family members and friends with lots of small children per set of parents. I think that would make trying for a baby, especially trying for a long time, reeeeally way more difficult. Luckily, I don't have that many friends (ha!- I blame it on my small in-the-middle-of-nowhere town/area), and the friends I do have who have kids are all geographically pretty far away and we don't talk that much, and I am the oldest of my sibs, so none of my younger sibs have surpassed me in that area yet. For now, I will be thankful for this aspect of my trying- I can definitely imagine that being surrounded by eternally fertile people would make the every-day struggle pretty tough.
Today has been a great day, too. I made some knock-out pancakes (choc. chip for Mr. A) for breakfast, and he put in another paver set for a third rain barrel! We are very excited. While he was arranging the pavers, I weeded/thinned out my front flower beds. I am trying to make many mental notes about what perennials I want to move where, come fall time, when it is easier/recommended to transplant things. I am hoping to befriend someone in my neighborhood by then who wouldn't separating out some black eyed susan's for me... and I need to find a gardening guru who can come tell me what on earth is happening to my poppy plants. Remember how beautiful the one bloomed? Well it had been in the full sun, so I decided to move the rest into full sun, and they have really taken off and become enormous, but the blooms look like some weed or something, purpley and feathery! I don't know what is going on! I even asked my expert gardener aunt, and she had no idea. Anyone an experienced poppy-grower?? I'll have to take a picture to show you what I mean.
We are going to hang out at the pool until we walk Banana, and then we have a doggy play date tonight. Ha! We're only practicing for our kids' play dates, of course.
As for my cycle, I go back and forth on how much confidence I have in it (last night I was feeling majorly pumped, this morning not so much), but I'm trying to remain as positive as possible!! It would be such a miracle if God has decided to bless us with a baby/s. But because I try to laugh through all this infertility baggage, I really got a chuckle out of this that I stumbled upon earlier:
Hahaha!! I hope that's not what happened inside me this time! Ha! I love this "style" of ticker (I was so psyched when Sew chose it for her blog!)- I think it is so cool to watch the baby change!! I sure hope and pray I can start shopping for pregnancy tickers next week!
Today has been a great day, too. I made some knock-out pancakes (choc. chip for Mr. A) for breakfast, and he put in another paver set for a third rain barrel! We are very excited. While he was arranging the pavers, I weeded/thinned out my front flower beds. I am trying to make many mental notes about what perennials I want to move where, come fall time, when it is easier/recommended to transplant things. I am hoping to befriend someone in my neighborhood by then who wouldn't separating out some black eyed susan's for me... and I need to find a gardening guru who can come tell me what on earth is happening to my poppy plants. Remember how beautiful the one bloomed? Well it had been in the full sun, so I decided to move the rest into full sun, and they have really taken off and become enormous, but the blooms look like some weed or something, purpley and feathery! I don't know what is going on! I even asked my expert gardener aunt, and she had no idea. Anyone an experienced poppy-grower?? I'll have to take a picture to show you what I mean.
We are going to hang out at the pool until we walk Banana, and then we have a doggy play date tonight. Ha! We're only practicing for our kids' play dates, of course.
As for my cycle, I go back and forth on how much confidence I have in it (last night I was feeling majorly pumped, this morning not so much), but I'm trying to remain as positive as possible!! It would be such a miracle if God has decided to bless us with a baby/s. But because I try to laugh through all this infertility baggage, I really got a chuckle out of this that I stumbled upon earlier:
Hahaha!! I hope that's not what happened inside me this time! Ha! I love this "style" of ticker (I was so psyched when Sew chose it for her blog!)- I think it is so cool to watch the baby change!! I sure hope and pray I can start shopping for pregnancy tickers next week!
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