Unfocused

I am feeling really unfocused these days, with regard to this kid-making-situation (or lack thereof, haha).

This is the first unmedicated cycle I've had since last July, and luckily for me, it seems like my body still generally knows what to do on its own, as I'm seeing "fertile" signs, etc. But even though I haven't been so instructed by my RE, I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to try this cycle, right? I mean, I can't imagine that it'd be good for an embryo to try to implant and in the meantime I start Lupron next Thursday...

But anyway, back to being unfocused. (Haha, see how my mind wanders?)

It is weird to not be trying this time. To have no med to take, no trigger to schedule, no IUI to show up for. Not even a monitor to check! In a way, it is kind of a nice break. But it feels like something is missing. Not that we enjoy having to have all kinds of assistance (and I realize we are about to get some major assistance!), but at least it's something we're doing to move forward with our family.

I think you know you're infertile when you miss your infertility routine.

But in a way, I am thankful for right now, when I don't have anything to concentrate on. It is nice to not have to manage details and appointments. It is nice to not have to dial up another dose of follistim. It is nice to not have to calculate the trigger timing. It is nice to not have to remember follicle counts and sizes to post them on your blog.

Sometimes for me and Banana's evening walk, I take out my contacts. After a hard day's work of details and writing and numbers, I don't want any more details. I just want to step out into the fresh air and see the big picture- the big beautiful world that was created for us. I want to look up and see the bright blue above me- I don't need to see how many birds are flying overhead. I want to watch Banana cruising along ahead of me- I don't need to see how much mud she is getting on her feet. I want to gaze at the mountains- I don't need to see each tree. I want to turn the corner and see Mr. A's truck at home, safe and sound- I don't need to see if he's straight in the driveway or not.

And it is so refreshing. To just think about and take in the big picture.

And I think, as unfocused as that makes me, that is where I am. I have taken out my infertility contacts, and I'm just reflecting on the big picture of our family. I think about when our house won't be so quiet. I think about the day our family grows. I think about what it will be like to have a carseat in my car...and have that feel normal. I think about how much fun it will be being parents, and how much work it will be being parents. I think about how cool it will be to be "mom" and "dad"...and have our marriage be the foundation for our family.

Of course after walking around blurry-eyed for 45 minutes, I am ready to put my contacts back in when we get home from our walk. And we are ready (as we'll ever be) for the upcoming cycle, too.

But it's nice to be out of focus sometimes. Even without the details, I can still see the big picture.