Some perspective

(Is it possible that I feel apathetic to testing tomorrow? Or am I kidding myself and playing games that my fear is apathy?)

I had a really interesting afternoon at the pregnancy clinic yesterday. My client said she had tested positive on two digitals at home and wanted confirmation. Her personal and financial life are, relative to mine, in veritable shambles (not being braggy, just being objective- and yes, I'm thoroughly thankful for all our blessings!), but her and her husband of 2 weeks did want to be pregnant. Our center's test was negative. (On a side note, has anyone ever heard of a false digital positive?!?!?) My client was CRUSHED. And I do mean crushed. I have never had someone cry so much so hard in a session before, even if they did not want to be pregnant and the test was positive. I gave her a minute to get the biggest tears out of the way, and choking back my own, I shared with her that I knew how she felt. I had been right where she is, wanting to be pregnant, and crying the same tears. I told her that personally I always believed that God would bring something good out of my sadness and that He would do the same for her.

My director happened to be in the room doing my yearly eval, and afterwards I was nervous to hear if she had thought that was appropriate for me to share my heart and beliefs when it came to a situation like this. She said I handled it so excellent, and she could barely believe I held it together. I was so encouraged!

At that moment that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share my story, I felt like this was the culmination of my infertility story. This was the reason! Honestly, and I have not been able to shake that feeling either. It was really amazing, too, because the devotional from Sarah's Laughter (link to the right) was about how God had a specific purpose for opening and closing Hannah's womb, and who knows what His purpose for infertility in our lives? I had read that devotional just before I arrived at volunteering, and it was very amazing how I felt the answer just hours later.

This girl had no job, no nice home, no car, an off-to-a-rocky-start marriage, and she wanted to be pregnant. Her sadness and disappointment is the SAME as mine, even though our circumstances are very different. Mr. A could not understand why she thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what the circumstance, if you long for a baby to be growing within you, hearing that there is nothing is a huge, huge blow. The pain of infertility is universal.

This session was very different. I have only ever tested negative before, and I hope tomorrow is different, too.