Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING. Today was not a good day.
Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant. News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore. I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.
Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:
Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left. I hate to say
it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so
bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding. I was
just in a funk all afternoon.
After reflection and prayer, I
decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point. It is not
fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my
heart every month for over 3 years before M got here. I realized
that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping
that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just
another day. For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it
totally killed me today. Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails
yesterday. As much as I
would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a
ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far
as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with
enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need
to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope
and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.
I am 100% happy with
our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going
to go with that from here on out. I do have some insecurities with
M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby,
but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us. I hate
that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not
being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to
compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure
she is surrounded by lots of friends
(and cousins) so that she will learn all those things. I hate that in
the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one
child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now
they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child
will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old",
"the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not
fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a
little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and
then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the
day moping around.
So we decided to take down the bunk beds this
evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and
reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually). His parents' new house has a
room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by
some craziness we actually end up needing
bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a
set at that point. But seriously not holding my breath on that one. We
will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit,
but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me. No really,
they were laughing in my face! hahahahahaha ;-)
Anyway, my sister
said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game. I'm done, I
told her ;-) She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if
you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at
this point. I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the
energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife
and mom I can be.
Thanks so much for your support! I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A
2 comments:
Hope is no good. (And other people trying to persuade me to hope when they don't know what it costs REALLY get on my nerves.) I pray you find peace!
I'm in the same boat! J is 16 months and i've already started getting the Q's about number2. Do they not remember the 8 yrs it took for J??? I refuse to ever "try" again...God gave us J when we weren't trying, so if he wants another, he will do it. I'm content, and praying for contentment to be a family of 3, until God shows us otherwise! Praying the same for you!!!
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