Wow

Our beta at 4w6d is 1123!!!!!! That is like 300 more than what I was hoping for!!!!

Progesterone is 17.9. Nurse said I can take the suppositories if I want, doesn't hurt. (Edited to add that I am taking the supplements, although I am not a fan of the way it feels like I am leaking even more than I already was!! I thought this number was good, until a commenter said it seemed a little low and from what I read maybe it is a little low. But my nurse said it was good, and I remain adamant in my quest to trust that my body knows what to do to keep this little one growing healthy and strong!)

I can't even believe this. We have truly been blessed beyond imagination. Please keep growing strong and healthy, baby A!

She said that is a high enough beta that they don't need me to come for a retest. For the first time since meeting her in 2009, I got some emotion out of her- she said (and you could hear her beaming) "this is so, so great!"... That feels amazing!!

Our first u/s is next Thursday at 830am. We'll be 6w2d.

Our God is an awesome God!!!!

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Life Changing: There are two lines this time

Yes, you read that correctly.

I took a test this morning, and there are two lines. For the first time in 3+ years of trying. I am still kind of speechless.

Back in October, I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine (are you still reading, SG?), and through our discussion, I came to read Isaiah 66:14. I thought it was such a perfect verse, and I knew I wanted to memorize it so that I could pray first thing whenever I found that we were going to be expecting a baby. Here is what it says:

You shall see,
Your heart will rejoice,
Your body will flourish like the grass,
And all shall know that the hand of the Lord is upon His servants.

So I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to my work computer monitor. Every day since then, I've repeated those words and imagined praying them after getting a positive test. Many days, it seemed like that day would never get here.

This morning, I got that opportunity. I couldn't even do anything else. I sat on the edge of the tub, holding the positive test, tears in my eyes, and praying thanksgivings and repeating this verse.

I went to get the Harley baby pj's that I bought probably 4 years ago, and I woke up a groggy Mr. A to tell him the news. Even in our sleepiness, the excitement was evident and the pups came running upstairs with their tails wagging!! It was very cute. It is a moment I will never forget.

I am going to get some blood drawn for HCG and progesterone, but I am having some symptoms (bb tenderness, some tiredness, headaches if I don't drink enough water), and I am trusting my body to know what to do. I think I am going to order the circle+bloom pregnancy series soon! I loved their natural cycle program!!

It is very surreal to be here. After all the meds, all the procedures, and all the tests that failed last year, here we are, having taken nary a medication since October. We have done nothing for the last three months but eat healthy (natural & organic), take vitamins (wheatgrass, royal jelly, vitamin D3, CoQ10, and prenatal), focus on being happy (yoga, meditation) with what we have (and not pine for what we don't), and go to acupuncture. And somehow, our miracle is here. The old fashioned way. Our precious baby is due on October 4!

We are praying like crazy that our baby is happy and healthy and that we will have a happy and healthy full-term pregnancy.

I have so many reflections. On pregnancy after infertility. On this timing. On what to do with telling my college friends. On how it feels to cry happy tears in church.

I know that I have a few new readers and that I'm new to reading several of you, and I know everybody says this, but I hope you will still stop by, but I understand if it's too much sometimes. I will document my pregnancy just as I have documented my infertility, not with surveys and objectivity, but with sensitivity, longing, and spirituality. I want to try to add another page with any questions I have that specifically relate to babies/pregnancy. I will still do Food on Friday, and I will still talk about our pups.

As Whitney graciously commented recently, one thing I love about my blog (title especially), is that I try to emphasize that this is all a journey. I think it will be applicable to almost any stage of my life, and I fully imagine I will be full of infertility-related reflections during this new leg of my life's journey.

One of my best friends just triggered for her first femera cycle. I texted her first thing!! She has said over and over that our positive test has given her so much hope. That is what I pray for all my readers. I hope that in whatever stage of infertility (or life, in general) you are in, our journey- our "all the way"- will give you hope that all of your heartache will be redeemed someday!!!

Food on Friday

Tomorrow, we are having some neighbors over for dinner. Originally, it was going to be two other couples, but one of the couples has come down with bad colds, so now it will jut be one other couple. I was going to break out my favorite dinner party cookbook (it has 40 seasonally-organized menu's complete with appetizers, first courses, main courses, desserts, and wine pairings!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!), but now I think I might make my favorite beef stew recipe (and cornbread and some kind of dessert). But it sounds kind of pedestrian (HA!) for a "dinner party". What do you think? Ina Garten always likes to serve comfort food at her dinner parties, so can I jump on her bandwagon? I promise it is an amazing recipe...

(adapted from here)

3 Tbs vegetable oil
1-2 lbs beef, cubed
1/4 cup steak sauce
1/4 cup worchestershire sauce
1 packet of stew seasoning (or 1/4 cup of homemade stew seasoning)
6 cups water
1 can tomato sauce
1 can stewed tomatoes
4 medium potatoes, cubed
2-3 carrots, chopped
1/4 cup sugar
3 Tbs butter
1 onion, roughly chopped
cornstarch (if desired)

In a dutch oven or large(r) pot, heat the oil and brown the beef tips in the hot oil. Add the steak sauce and worchestershire sauce. Simmer for 15 minutes. Add the stew seasoning and water, stir. Add the rest of the ingredients. Cook for an hour or longer, until the potatoes and carrots are tender. I like a gravyish stew, so when it is almost done, I ladle a cup of the broth/liquid into a small bowl and add several tablespoons of cornstarch. Whisk this together and pour back into the pot, and stir this around until the sauce thickens. (Repeat if desired until the sauce is how you like it.)

SNOW!!!

We got about 9"!!!! So pretty and fun! (I don't even mind the shoveling!)

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Appreciation

I would like to take today to thank all my friends who have moved beyond infertility to pregnancy and motherhood who still take the time to read and especially to comment. There are so many on my baby bump and motherhood list who I feel like have totally left the rest of us in their dust (and I go back and forth each day wanting to take them off my blogroll and still being interested in their stories), but then again, I don't know how tired you are when you're pregnant or how much time you don't have when you're a mom.

So anyway, to those who've stuck around here after they get their blessing(s), thank you from the bottom of my heart. Infertility is such an isolating time, and it feels great to have friendships that transcend that awful thing.

In general, I think infertility has hurt my friendships more than anything. It hasn't hurt our marriage, it doesn't hurt our dogs (on the flip side, they definitely benefit from it- in fact, I think Bert would still be at the shelter if we didn't have so much love to share!), and yes it hurts me alot some, but nowhere near as chronically as it has hurt my friendships. Friends that I thought would be there for me aren't, but luckily friends who I thought would leave me in the dust haven't. And then there are the gems who I knew would always be by my side. How has infertility affected your friendships?

End of an Era

I decided this week to take a leave of absence from volunteering as a peer counselor at the crisis pregnancy center.

It was not a decision I made lightly, because being a part of their center for the last 2 years has been very rewarding and challenging and worthwhile. But as we try to discern how our family is going to expand, it gets more difficult. And I think it is subconsciously stressful because most weeks, I come home from my shift with a headache. At this point, I don't really need any more subconscious stress!!

When I first started, people around me were surprised that I chose that place as my place of preference to spend some volunteer time. I was surprised, too, given that the clients I would see have stumbled over the very thing that I had been striving towards with all my strength. But somehow, God allowed me to reflect His love and mercy to those clients that I saw, without allowing me to bring my infertility baggage into the counseling room. It was really amazing, and I thought I could go on forever.

But I really think it affects me more than I realize, and until now, I have just pushed it aside. But if we are going to be figuring out what path to take to expand our family or even just trying to be as healthy and strong as we can to try (hope, pray, beg) to conceive a healthy baby on our own, we need to make sure we are in the most supportive environments. Even now, because I have close friends who have been blessed through adoption, I had always cringed when I saw a girl who proclaimed that she could never "give up her baby" for adoption. Would I be able to deal with that as nonchalantly if we were waiting to adopt, even to do embryo adoption? Because we believe those birthparents are also making an adoption plan for their embryos, too, which takes the same selflessness.

So, long story short, I need to find a new volunteering opportunity. (I am technically on a "leave of absence from the pregnancy center, but I am feeling that it might be a while 'till I return, if ever, as a peer counselor.) I think donating your time to others not only helps them, but it helps you, too. The places I have volunteered have enriched my life in amazing ways! I volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House from 2004-2008, and I loved it there. My first thought for my new place is the SPCA (where we adopted Bert). Where do you volunteer?

HA!

My project of super healthy green meals hit a snag last night.

I made this dish with onions, carrots, carrots, corn, peas, KALE, AND COLLARDS last night. Oh, I forgot to mention that it had millet and amaranth for the topping!!! It's from this (mostly) vegan cookbook. Can you believe I bought an almost vegan cookbook when I have a quarter of a cow in my freezer? Hahahaha :)

It used some cool japanese things (mirin, tamari, arrowroot).

I knew this one was a long shot. But maybe if God isn't working miracles with our baby, He would work a food miracle and zap Mr. A into liking dark leafy greens.

Apparently God is just not in the business of sending miracles our way! HA!!

I thought the flavors and textures were really neat. Different than how I usually cook, and I know that those greens are really, really healthy.

I had two bowls!

Mr. A had less than a bite. Then he started making this hilarious I'm-about-to-throw-up face, and I was half laughing and half unimpressed, thinking that he really hadn't given it a chance.

I actually think I will make this recipe again! I will make it when Mr. A is away on business and/or when my super cool vegetarian aunt comes to visit. I will need to half all the ingredients, though, because the full recipe makes a 9x13 dish! HAA!! And the funniest part is that the recipe says "serves 4". I am like, holy cow, these vegetarians eat a TON of greens!!!

I am not being deterred to make all five of the super healthy recipes on my list. Two down, three to go. Hope the next one fairs better in the husband department!