Pity vs. Compassion

My good friend K and I were talking on the phone the other day. We are so grateful to be traveling this infertility road together, but we are praying to get off this train very soon. Anyway, we have handled sharing about our infertility in very different ways.

She and her hubby have shared that they're trying for a kiddo with alot of people- but for the purposes of this compare/contrast post, it's most important that she's shared this with many of her friends (who are all monumentally fertile, of course). K is quick to point out that her friends simply know that they're trying- not all the tears and anguish and frustration that come alongside. Of course K and I hold nothing back when talking- we have both cried and thrown fits and everything else- when it comes to trying to do something that is portrayed as so simple. But she feels like if she shared with her friends all of the deep down nitty gritty funk that comes with trying for so long without success, it would make them feel uncomfortable.

They express pity towards her, which was what we were talking about the other day. She doesn't want to be pitied. She doesn't want people to say, "Oh, you poor little K..." while they are nursing their second baby in 2.5 years. She wants them to realize that there are alot of other great things about her life. Just like me, K is very goal-oriented, and there are few (if any) things that she has set out to do that she hasn't accomplished...except having a baby. It makes her uncomfortable to be pitied.

In response to this, I shared my (very different) perspective.

I have told only 3 of my friends from college. I haven't told anyone else. (This doesn't count our immediate families or the friends I have made through IF boards, etc.!) Of the three that I have told, only one has taken an active interest in our struggle. The other two (who have kids, by the way) have never asked me about it since I first told them, despite my great lack of pregnancy-announcing emails and my eloquent fairly-somber email about the lack of things going on with us.

So when I was talking to K, I told her that I actually want some compassion from my friends who know. I want them to email me and say, hey, I know you told me 3 years ago you were hoping for a baby, and I know you haven't told us you're expecting- is everything alright? I want them to think twice about sending me an email that complains about their having to find a babysitter so they can go to a movie. I want them to email me and ask how they can pray for us right now.

Do you think there is a difference between pity and compassion, when it comes to other people viewing your infertility?

For me, I think the difference might be that pity is more superficial, while compassion is a more active, deep way of caring for others in difficult circumstances. Compassion (to me) involves some sort of doing, not just saying "I'm so sorry about your lack of baby" and then returning to your obliviously-fertile life.

I don't even feel pity from my friends who know but don't say anything to me about it. I feel more denial from them. Like, maybe if they don't bring it up, I'll forget I told them and thought they might be a source of support. Or maybe it's my fault for not bringing it up to them again. But as I told K, my problem with bringing it up to them is that, if I am really honest, I'll tell them how much it hurts how they talk about their commodity-kids. I'll tell them how much it hurts that they don't ask how we're doing in that respect. I'll tell them how much it hurts to be left behind. (Disclaimer: I know that God has a specific plan for me, and that I'm not behind there, and that is very encouraging most days, but let's face it, sometimes I just feel left behind.)

And I think telling them all that would make them even more befuddled as to what to do next. Even more than them knowing that we were praying for a child 3 years ago and we still don't have one, and not wanting to ask me about it.

I think the only time I have ever really felt pity about not having a child was when I told the two girls mentioned above that we were trying, and they said (paraphrased), Oh, don't worry about it. I'm sure it will happen soon- we weren't even trying!, which now that I think of it is more just dimissal of my pain rather than pity. Everyone else who knows our story is extremely compassionate to us, and when I mentioned this, K said, "well maybe they [her friends] are being compassionate and I just can't see it...", but maybe they just aren't.

It is a very thin line to walk, as far as telling others about your infertility struggle or keeping it close. If you tell people, you open yourself up to responding to pity or denial, but gain the chance of receiving compassion. If you don't tell people, it's kind of unfair to fault them for lack of pity or compassion.

Have you noticed yourself responding differently to pity and compassion about your infertility?

K, if you're reading, thanks for walking this road with me (or taking this train, as we like to say). Here's praying this month is our baby stop. I appreciate your friendship so much, and thanks for being an inspiration to me!

Recipe

I think it is hilarious that the day after my neighbor rant, my great online buddy Erica writes a post about how great my attitude is!! Hahahaha!! Yes, I think because I am so predisposed to actually having a great attitude, I do feel really bad when I don't. Call me crazy! Thank you all for your encouragement in my hysteria ;-)

I will say, though, that I have never experienced myself with such impatience and ease of frustration. I think it is too early for real pregnancy hormones to be kicking in, so at this point I'm chalking this up to a new symptom that probably means nothing! That list is almost off the page, I tell ya!

And since the first week of the 2ww is the boringest time ever, I am posting one of my new favorite recipes for your eating enjoyment!!

Taco Pizza

**8 oz bulk sausage (or I guess you could use ground beef, but the flavoring of the sage sausage is our favorite!)
**3/4 cup chopped green pepper
**1 can of refrigerated pizza dough (I used a can of french bread dough and then unrolled it very carefully, but it would probably be very easy just to get the pizza dough. I should also note that I usually make my own pizza dough, but I wanted to try this in the interest of super fast not-so-much-prep pizza...)
**Salsa to cover pizza dough surface
**2 cups shredded taco cheese (or as much as you want!)

Cook the sausage and green pepper until meat is browned and pepper is tender. Set aside. Unroll dough, and set on a greased baking sheet. Spread salsa on top of the dough, top with meat mixture, and sprinkle with cheese. Bake in a 400F oven for about 20 minutes or until cheese is melted to your liking.

It is YUMMY!!!!

Annoyed!!!

I think someone mixed in some enormous dose of impatience with my progesterone this time! I am going crazy here! I am amazed at how such simple things are driving me crazy, to the point where I try several times to let it go, and then I turn around and am focused on it again!

I told Mr. A I was going to write a vent post about our !@#$^ neighbors, and he said "Where? On your Christian blog?!" HA! Touche.

Nevertheless.

Vents are inevitable. Are vents unChristian??

To give some background, our across-the-street !@#%^ neighbors, or at least the wife, are middle-aged gossip hounds. When we first went over to their house for dinner a few months after we moved in (2 years ago), she voluntarily filled us in on all her coniving nicknames for the people on our street and any dirt she and our old-lady neighbor (to the right of us) had dug up on people. Our neighbors (let's call the the "W's") moved here maybe 15 years ago from CA, and I think they have this impression that they are better, classier, more professional, and better (did I say that already?) than anyone else. (Not that that's how everyone from CA thinks, just the W's...) Like, our neighbors to the left of us are from West Virginia and are maybe not the most refined people, but they are decent and friendly, but Mrs. W will only refer to them as "West Virginia's", not their names. Condescending, no? Maybe I'm just hopped up on progesterone...

Anyway, supposedly they moved here with a group of people from CA to start a church here. Well, they ended up having some personal issues with one of the other group members, so they ditched that church and have yet to find another one. (She once told me "It's nice to take a break from church- we were so involved for such a time"... Gee, hope God doesn't take a break 'cause He's tired...)

Weird tie-in is that the director of the pregnancy center where I volunteer is (I think) one of the people who moved with the W's from CA to start the church here. I don't know exactly if it's her that the W's disagred with, though.

In October, our neighborhood does this secret "Boo" program where you "Boo" your neighbors, and then they "Boo" other people, all without people knowing who "Boo'ed" who. Well, we "Boo'ed" the W's, and they did not participate!!! I was floored. Are they too good to take part in a fun neighborhood game? I couldn't believe it.

THEN, our pregnancy center is starting a new training class and we were encouraged to invite two people to volunteer. So I thought, hey, maybe I'll ask her- I know she is (used to be?) a Christian, and maybe it would be a ministry that she would like to be a part of and maybe help her make some connections to get back into some weekly Worship. Well, I gave her an invitation, and she immediately seemed uncomfortable. I don't know what is in her past that might have contributed to that, but all she could say was that she'd "pray about it", but it was by far the most hollow "pray about it" I have ever received. (Huge subjective interpretation, I know. Of course I don't know her heart.) I was so mad I wasted an invitation on her. She did eventually email (email!) me and say that she had decided not to volunteer since she had held positions like that in the past and she didn't think it'd fit right now. I have never felt so patronized in my life.

THEN, on Friday, after it had snowed 4", Mr. W was out there using their snowblower on the W's driveway. You should have seen how annoyed I was (hello, progesterone!) that he was snowblowing 4", when the storm total was going to be 20"!!! HA! I was cracking myself up. I knew I shouldn't have been so annoyed, but I just couldn't help myself. Anyway, he was out there snowblowing again yesterday snowblowing (their driveway and the old lady's driveway in no time flat) as Mr. A was cleaining off his truck. Did he offer to let Mr. A use the snowblower, as our driveway was completely covered in snow? Nope. Then about an hour ago, we were out there shovelling and cleaning off my car. Did they come and offer that we could use their snowblower? Nope!

UGH!! I am so done with them. Mr. A thinks I'm being ridiculous. I feel like they're in their house looking out the window laughing at us. Don't they know it's debatable as to whether I should be shovelling snow at 3dpo!?!?!?!? (Hahahahahahaha....)

I am sick of feeling like they think they're better than us. I have tried to stop being so mad about this. I know I shouldn't be mad, or even annoyed, but it's going to take a long time for me to get over this.

For Mr. A's sake, please pray that I can let this go soon! Hahaha!! I think he's getting tired of me being annoyed! (Since it's fairly uncharacteristic for me!)

Damn pregnancy hormones.

;-)

Avalanche

No, it's not an avalanche of the 20" of snow we're supposed to get by tomorrow- it's an avalanche of blog award nominations!!

Thank you to In God's Hands, TTC Hopeful, The Journey Through life, and It Only Takes One time... Not! for nominating me for this blog award :) (I think they are the only ones- if you have nominated me and I forgot to make a note of it, let me know!) I am always humbled that even one person reads all of my thoughts day after day, so I really thank you for hanging in here with me!

Seven "interesting" things about myself... (after writing them, I don't know if they are interesting or not! Haha!)

1. I have a heart for volunteering, and I never miss an opportunity to encourage others to take part in some kind of volunteer experience that is close to their heart. Before starting at the pregnancy center last February, I volunteered at our local Ronald McDonald House for 4 years! It was so amazing to be there for families with children in the hospital (lots of preemie parents). I made some great friendships which I will always treasure!

2. I love driving. Even when Mr. A and I are both in the car, I'm usually the one who's driving, unless it is snowing and I'm afraid of running off the road!!

3. Last summer, I made the switch from dish sponges to cotton dishcloths that are healthier because I only use them once and then wash them, and they are reusable!

4. I use our paper shredder's scraps for packing material when I send packages.

5. Mr. A and I both try our best to model our marriage after the concepts in Eggerich's "Love and Respect", and it is truly an awesome way to enhance your/our marriage!

6. I have a choose life license plate.

7. I looooooooove cooking shows!! I think it would be fun to be a cooking show host (all those cute little prep bowls!), and I have learned alot from watching, but it's not one of my realistic goals ;-) Can someone just come to my house and put all of my ingredients in cute little bowls before I start cooking dinner?

And for my nominations, I choose:

From IF to When (Katie) -What I think is beautiful abou Katie is her honesty!

For the Love of Shoes.. and a Baby, too (Ashley) -I love how Ashley sprinkles in beauiful things that aren't really ttc-related

Making Me Mom (Hillary) -Some people tell me that my faith is inspiring, but I find alot of encouragement in Hillary's beautiful faith

The Pugh's (Rachel) -I am a new reader of Rachel's, but I have loved her beautiful reflections

Mission: Motherhood (Al) -My heart is broken at Al's recent miscarriage, but the way she has written about and approached the grieving process has been a beautiful testatment

Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility (Stacey) -Stacey recently found out she is pregnant, and the way she has projected her sensitivity and vulnerability has been so precious to my waiting heart

The Desire of My Heart (Noelle) -Noelle's early pregnancy was great with troubles, but she has hung on in a beautiful way- not being afraid to write about her raw emotions

***

So here's what you need to do:
Thank the person who nominated you and copy the award in your blog,
Link the person who nominated you for this award,
Share seven interesting things about yourself, and
Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

Went great :)

Thank you all for your prayers for us this morning! Our IUI went very smoothly, and I am very bloated and tender right now. Bring on the running pants!!

As I was driving over there, I was thinking how I initially thought our IUI would be this weekend. Then when I learned that Mr. A's family wanted to visit this weekend, I was all in a fuss that that might not work too well if we have to be half an hour away at 8am Sunday morning without a good explanation.

Then at my u/s on Monday, it was revealed that my follies were unusually ahead of themselves and so we would avoid the potential to have to explain where we were going to Mr. A's family. (Not that they would not like it or disapprove- they are just not the "intimate details" type of family- they would probably be uncomfortable just because they don't talk about personal stuff.)

Little did I know then, we're supposed to get a major snowstorm this weekend. Which is a tad more inconvenient than explaining our medical lives to Mr. A's parents.

Do you see what God has orchestrated?

All I could think about today was the people whose entire cycles (and savings) hinge on being able to do a baseline u/s or an ER or ET this weekend. I praise God for providing us the opportunity to do this IUI today. I was mentioning this to the receptionist at my RE and she said there is a girl there whose critical cycle days they could use to predict major snows. I guess the storm we got before Christmas was also an important time for her! I cannot imagine.

We all have times where we feel forgotten by God, but I can tell you today that I felt very important in God's eyes. I am so lucky (and unworthy) for Him to line up our cycle dates and put great hope into my heart, while others are facing cancelled cycles and cracking dreams.

When I was walking out of the RE office, I stopped by my nurse's office to see if she met Mr. A this morning when he was there for his part. She said she had missed him! She is such a sweetheart. She told me, "I'll just have to meet him next time..." (as I'm thinking, next time?!, there isn't going to be a next time!) but she continued, "...when you're here for your early pregnancy ultrasound!" Okay, I'll agree to that!!

And the receptionist told me to call her with good news in 2 weeks. Okey doke! Needless to say, I walked out of there with a big smile on my face!

And, what song do you think was playing on the radio when I got into my car?! None other than "What faith can do" (Kutless), that spoke so clearly to me last week!! Oh my goodness, I about died! Can you believe that?! I am not kidding!!

I feel very priveleged today to have experienced all of this encouragement. I strongly believe that this is Godly encouragement. In the past, I would have doubted this. But I think it's high time I stop doubting that our God would choose to interact with us in everyday ways. I am praying that this encouragement will reveal a healthy little one snuggled in tight from this cycle, but even if it doesn't, I am encouraged that our family will be expanded by the hand of God. And once we are cradling our little one(s), I don't want to look back on our journey and see my doubt of the encouragement that was interjected along the way.

Our big God has big plans, when He gives me big encouragement, I'm going to respond with big faith!

Uncertainty

(Before I start my actual post, I just want to express my thanks for all the prayers that will be (and have been) raised for a successful IUI (tomorrow at 10am) for us this time! The trigger went well last night :) If When we find out that we're pregnant, our due date will be my older-of-my-younger-sisters sister's birthday! Hope she will be willing to share it!!)

What I really want to post about today is about the uncertainty of our lives and how awesome it is that we come together and rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15).

How many of us thought our lives would turn out one way and have been surprised that our actual life is not what we imagined? Hello, every single person who is struggling with infertility!! Hello, every single person who was convinced a new cycle was starting, only to receive a BFP!

But uncertainty touches so many others around us in many different ways, even though I identify with the anguish of uncertainty through trying to conceive. (I know, it's hard to think sometimes that people who don't struggle with infertility have problems!!)

This post was inspired by the younger-of-my-younger-sisters sister who finds herself in somewhat uncertain times right now with a specific part of her life. It's not at all what she imagined.

Please join me in praying for her today- that she would feel resolution soon, and peaceful and prayerful about any outcome, and surrounded by family and friends if that outcome is not what she had been anticipating!

Fast Growers

u/s yesterday went really well! Unexpectedly, though, I already have 20mm, 17mm, and 15mm follicles!!!! I guess the increased dosage really made them grow fast this time!! AND, if you can believe it, the 20mm is on the LEFT!!! I guess we finally got that one into shape!! My RE says he's surprised I only have 3 (he might have preferred 4), and I'm sort of thinking the same thing, but he is very happy that the left one is cooperating and that all three will most likely ovulate.

I got estrodiol bloodwork after the u/s, and they are calling me with the result this morning, but my RE expects to have us trigger tonight and have the IUI on Thursday morning. It will be our first weekday one! Good thing, too, because Mr. A's family just told us yesterday that they'd like to visit this weekend!

Guess who will (probably) be 10dpo on Valentine's Day?? Hahahahaha, why do I do this to myself??