You Wouldn't Understand

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Recently, I received an email in which the sender (who is due this spring) described how she is feeling better now, after having thrown up daily. Then, she proceeds to disclaim her statements with "Oh, I'm sorry, this is probably TMI for those of you who don't know what it's like to be pregnant."

As if it isn't a widely known fact that people throw up when they're pregnant. As if I didn't throw up twice last cycle's 2ww and pray that I'd be doing more of that. Yep, there is no way anyone who hasn't been pregnant knows the relief of not throwing up after you've been losing your cookies for a while.

So, in a flash of being a brat (not really a flash, the thoughts festered for a few days), I sent out my own update. Of nothing. Yes, nothing is going on with us. No fun pictures of our babies in Christmas outfits, no updates on how our baby is getting along with our new dog, no updates on how big my baby bump is, and no updates on the extravagant travel plans we have for this year (as the newlywed couple tends to say)*. We are alive, that's about it. (Can't have them thinking I'm not emailing because I'm keeping a baby secret...) (*I didn't write these words- but this is what I was thinking.)

Mostly because they wouldn't understand, either.

They wouldn't understand that we can't go on extravagant vacations because we're saving up in case we are led towards IVF (Hello, $9k), or even MORE expensive, adoption (Hello, $30k). They wouldn't understand all the acronyms I use easily (TTC, IUI, FSH, P4, HCG, 2WW, DPO, .....), and they wouldn't understand why I have a sharps box sitting on the dining room table. They wouldn't understand why our fridge is covered with post-it's of Psalm verses of hope and despair, or why "1dpo" is clearly marked on the calendar. They wouldn't understand why I get frustrated when they talk about their kids like they are commodities. They wouldn't understand the hurt that comes from the way they casually joke about how easy it is to have kids (all you need is a blizzard or a power outage, obviously). They wouldn't understand how it is to live your life in 30-day increments (give or take), or what it's like to wait more than 2 years for something your heart's been praying for. They wouldn't understand having to pray for their heart's desire because their heart's desire is not something that can be purchased because of a whim or ordered from Ama.zon or traveled to. They wouldn't understand what it's like to pray your heart out for your heart's desire and have it not materialize before their eyes.

No one has emailed me back in response to my "we're just alive" email. They are probably so busy with their exciting lives- I probably wouldn't understand.

31 comments:

sarahs51 said...

I want to give you a big hug. I completely understand and you just want to scream it at people. When we long for a baby we never imagine it becomes so hard. I know that I myself can feel so upset at the lack of parenting people do when they are blessed with wonderful kids. I would love to give them a day to look threw my eyes and see how much they miss and don't appreciate with their kids.

Emily said...

Preach it! I HATE emails or letters like that. I can totally relate to your letter!!!

Melissa said...

After hanging out with Pregnant friends, I realized how insensitive & ignorant they are after many many comments of me being on the slow train to babyville. Thanks I needed that.

Sadly they'll never understand & I don't think they'll ever really appreciate that baby they hold in their arms. They just don't get it. They don't get our journey or our struggles.

I'm glad you emailed them. You have courage & Faith. Something I think they're taking for granted.

{{{hugs}}}

Katie said...

This is a great post, but a sad post. :( I completely understand, A. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

Leah said...

I'm sorry for your hurt. And you know, they wouldn't understand what IF's go through, that's for sure. I read an amazing quote the other day. Something along the lines of, "The best thing that ever happened to me in my life, was that God didn't give me what I wanted." I thought long and hard about that, and in so many ways, it's so true. You are who you are because of your struggles. Maybe you would have rather of been one of those women who got pregnant after your first cycle of trying, but then you may not be the sensitive, caring, and resilient woman that you are now.

Thinking of you.

Rach said...

Ugh, I'm right there with you.

I'm also very sick of Facebook, I need to just stay off of there! Everyday there is someone pregnant, a baby bump update, someone posting, "Dear Baby please stop taking all mommys energy."

I'm not sure how much I can take!

Priscilla said...

Well written!!! It's a sad truth isn't it?? THIS community understands!!! So glad to have you as a bloggy friend!!! ((HUGS))

callmemama said...

I love your email update :).

Lisa said...

I second your thoughts...sometimes I just want to tell people all of that too. I want them to feel bad for their comments and for being insensitive to us infertiles. Then I catch myself and realize that that is my flesh speaking and I need to hand those thoughts over to the Lord. Man, it's hard though when you just want to give them a piece of your mind...

Basic Girl said...

Couldn't agree more! And it's like I feel like there is SO much going on in my life, dr appts, iui's, u/s, acupuncture, etc. But i'm hardly going to email everyone I know about how busy I am trying to get preggers! My acupucturist said it's so hard because you get pregnant and w/in months have a big sign on your belly stating just that. But with IF, there is no sign that says I've been trying for months and months...please try to be sensitive. ((HUGS))

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Oh, I can so relate to this post. I pray that you are filled with God's love today!

Jane said...

Yep. We're living in two totally different worlds. They're living in a world of "oops! pregnant again!" And we're... well, we're not.

I appreciated Leah's quote and it reminded me of a quote I read recently: "Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant." (Horace)

So, although we may not get pregnant easily, perhaps, through our adversity, we are able to find a deepness and richness in our lives and in ourselves that those who find themselves in more "prosperous circumstances" have not been given the opportunity to discover.

I sure hope so! ;)

the misfit said...

I'm glad you did that. I don't suppose you'd share the text of the actual email you sent? (I'm having trouble figuring out what's a quote and what's a paraphrase, and I know I'm going to love the genuine article.)

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Oh, we can all relate to this! Great email.

The Mrs. said...

I am so sorry you had to get that email! I think it's awesome you wrote one back! Unfortunately I don't think they will ever understand, but at least you can come here and vent to us that DO get it!

Elisabeth said...

Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best,
Elisabeth

Jessica said...

I can relate to everything you said in this post. I feel the exact same way.

K said...

It took me a few seconds to realize you were the one writing this post...it's not your "norm", and I want to commend you for that. This "brattiness" is true, it's real (and it's not brattiness at all in my opinion). It's okay to be there and it's even more okay to let it out. You're not alone.

Praying for Hope said...

What sort of cheap comment was that to put in an email: "for those of you who don't know what it's like to be pregnant"? They'll never know how lucky they are that they don't understand. That's no excuse not to try, though.

some how, some way, some day said...

What a great post! I feel as if I could have wrote it myself. All of us fighting through infertility feel the same way. My overwhelmed B-I-L asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted his kids. He's asked me this too many times. I answered, "sure when can I get them?" with a nasty little tone to my voice. He straightened up real quick! Remember, you are not alone!

JC said...

I agree, this is a great post! Although I'm sorry that this is happenig and it's something that you're having to post about. Sending you lots of ((hugs))

Jessica said...

Girl, I've got THREE preggos that work right beside me...alllll....dayyyyy....longggg. I get to hear baby talk all day and there's no consideration whatsoever that I just M/C'd after 5 years of trying. Sometimes I make smart comments when they try to complain to me. I can't help it anymore...I've lost my filter. I hate that infertility has completely scarred my personality forever.

I'm so sorry that we have to go through this. Maybe we can start complaining about our infertility and they will catch a hint and shut up!

Anyway, hang in there. It's so tough. Big hugs & thinking about you:)

AplusB said...

I know how you feel about being so alienated around all the pregnant ones and ones that are already mothers! I was stuck with two preggie friends and it was ALL they talked about. I felt so left out and sad. Obviously they just didn't understand, either.

Ashley said...

Everything you just said I have thought myself. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It's so hard! :(

Hillary said...

Amen, sister!

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to throw down on the page that would take the pain away, but I don't. All I have is a sympathetic heart and lots of support to offer. I'm sending you a great big squeezy hug!

julie said...

I really liked that. So so true! They will never understand.

Al said...

I love this post! I feel you on this one - this is exactly why I didn't do Christmas cards this year. Another picture of the dog just felt fake and kinda sad, like yep, still no kid here. Still trying and failing.

The comments that infuriate me the most are when people complain about their kids being an inconvenience or they can't take a vacation or they don't get enough sleep. Or they ask their kid "do you want to go home with auntie tonight".

Hmmph. They never will get it.

Shanny said...

Ha! This post is great. I probably wouldn't have thought to reply with my update of nothing, but I think it was genious! Kids just don't come easily to everyone and when the other side don't understand all they do is hurt our feelings =(

~S said...

Great post, and I completely relate. It's so frustrating that people are so clueless and can be so hurtful.

Giving Up A Dream said...

That was the best!!!!!!!!!!! It is the secret language of infertiles. We are a cool click. I wish I could give you a big hug and sit and chat about England and the great pub fare also.

Thanks for the posting it is a blessing to find people who understand and can make it each other cry and laugh through it all.
Kristen