I woke up this morning to a new cycle, without any cramps, bright, and early. I was expecting to start this weekend, but I was surprised in that I have been having some pre-AF cramps in previous cycles, and I had no such discomfort when I woke up. I'm hoping that acupuncture and some healthier eating has helped encourage healthier bloodflow, which from my understanding, reduces cramps because cramps can be a sign of blood flow interruption...and the cramps come from your body trying really hard to get things flowing again.
And, while I am enjoying my heating pad right now, the cramps that have developed are very very mild, and if it wasn't that Mr. A made an amazingly cozy fire this morning in our wood stove and that we are (all four of us) taking a family mid-morning nap in front of the stove (well I am not sleeping, but this is relaxing for me!), I would be out doing errands instead of kicking back in the recliner. Mornings like this are too good to pass up.
Like I told my acupuncturist yesterday before an AMAZING session, I am really looking forward to embracing the chinese medicine approach to getting my body in good shape (but I am equally scared to leave modern medicine behind). She taught me some Qigong moves to strengthen my kidney energy, and I am looking forward to practicing them. From my pulses, my kidney energy is low, and in chinese medicine, that is the energy that governs reproductive systems. Need to get that in good working order!!! Here are some things I am doing to help the energy:
-Practicing my bear Qigong moves, with the focused purpose of increasing my kidney strength and energy
-Eating more beans, especially kidney-shaped ones, and nuts, such as walnuts
-Continuing to drink room temperature/warm water
-Upping my wheatgrass drink to twice a day- wheatgrass enhances the blood
-Adding some seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, chia) as snacks
-Remaining committed to a low-level of sugar in my diet, and continue eating organic meats/veggies/grains
-Going to bed by 10:15, so that I can get good, restful sleep (I have to set my phone alarm for this one- we often fall asleep in the family room with the TV on, but this does not lend itself to restful sleep, as your mind/body is not fully at rest when the TV is flashing and making noise, etc.)
-Applying vetiver oil to a cotton ball for imparting a grouding scent to areas I spend alot of time in
-Increasing the time I spend in reflection/prayer, to try to make my day as peaceful as possible
I hope these things will make a positive difference!!
What goes through the mind along the lengthy path of (secondary, now) infertility
Food on Friday
Friday, October 29, 2010
Is everyone waiting with baited breath for today's recipe? I thought so!!! Haha ;-)
I have three or four favorite cookbooks. Today's recipe is adapted from one of them: The Blue Willow Inn Bible of Southern Cooking. You MUST buy this cookbook!!! I am a southern girl, so that is what drew me to it initially, but even if you are a yankee or from anywhere else, you will grow to love these simple but so satisfying recipes :)
Ever heard of Chicken and Dumplings???
You can do this! I promise it isn't too hard. Promise!! Plus your house will smell amazingly cozy :)
Here are the ingredients:
1 whole chicken
2 quarts + 1/4 cup of water
2-3 Tbs cornstarch + water for dissolving
2 tsp salt
2 cups of flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 cup shortening
2 tsp black pepper
SEE, you probably have most or all of these ingredients already in your house!
In a big stockpot, dump the 2 quarts of water and dunk the chicken (I also added a carrot, a celery, and a whole garlic clove for broth flavor). On medium high heat, cook until done, about 1 hour (if you use a bigger chicken- 6+ lbs, you might need to cook it a little longer, but a 3-4 lb one will be done in an hour). Remove the chicken (and vegetables if you added them) from the pot, reserving the chicken broth. Go take your dog(s) for a walk while the chicken cools. When you get back, remove the skin, and get the meat off the bones (this will not take as long as you think, because the meat will be so tender, but it will probably take you about 15 minutes). Cut the chicken into bite size pieces, and put as much chicken back into the broth as you like (I made a 7ish lb chicken for this, and I probably got 7 or 8 cups of chicken off the thing... so I put 2-3 cups back into the broth and was still able to freeze 5 cups!). It is totally up to you how chickened your broth is!!
Over medium heat, bring the chicken broth back to a slow boil/simmer. In a little bowl, dissolve/wisk the cornstarch + water and dump it into the broth to make it more gravy-ish. (If you don't like gravy-ish, then you can skip this step!)
To make the dumplings, combine the flour and salt in a medium bowl. Cut the shortening in with a fork or pastry blender. Add the 1/4 cup of water to the mixture and mix with your hands to form a dough. You can either do drop dumplings (just pinched off dough), or you can roll the dough out (my favorite), and use a knife or ravioli cutter to cut little dumpling squares. YUM.
Drop the dumplings into the slow-boiling chicken broth, gently stirring. Add the pepper. (In the interest of full disclosure, the actual recipe calls for adding a stick of melted butter at this point, too (misfit, I know you'll like that part!), but I don't use the butter.)
Turn the heat to low and let it simmer for as long as it takes the dumplings to cook- about 15 minutes or so.
Eat up! You have to let me know if you try this!!
I have three or four favorite cookbooks. Today's recipe is adapted from one of them: The Blue Willow Inn Bible of Southern Cooking. You MUST buy this cookbook!!! I am a southern girl, so that is what drew me to it initially, but even if you are a yankee or from anywhere else, you will grow to love these simple but so satisfying recipes :)
Ever heard of Chicken and Dumplings???
You can do this! I promise it isn't too hard. Promise!! Plus your house will smell amazingly cozy :)
Here are the ingredients:
1 whole chicken
2 quarts + 1/4 cup of water
2-3 Tbs cornstarch + water for dissolving
2 tsp salt
2 cups of flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 cup shortening
2 tsp black pepper
SEE, you probably have most or all of these ingredients already in your house!
In a big stockpot, dump the 2 quarts of water and dunk the chicken (I also added a carrot, a celery, and a whole garlic clove for broth flavor). On medium high heat, cook until done, about 1 hour (if you use a bigger chicken- 6+ lbs, you might need to cook it a little longer, but a 3-4 lb one will be done in an hour). Remove the chicken (and vegetables if you added them) from the pot, reserving the chicken broth. Go take your dog(s) for a walk while the chicken cools. When you get back, remove the skin, and get the meat off the bones (this will not take as long as you think, because the meat will be so tender, but it will probably take you about 15 minutes). Cut the chicken into bite size pieces, and put as much chicken back into the broth as you like (I made a 7ish lb chicken for this, and I probably got 7 or 8 cups of chicken off the thing... so I put 2-3 cups back into the broth and was still able to freeze 5 cups!). It is totally up to you how chickened your broth is!!
Over medium heat, bring the chicken broth back to a slow boil/simmer. In a little bowl, dissolve/wisk the cornstarch + water and dump it into the broth to make it more gravy-ish. (If you don't like gravy-ish, then you can skip this step!)
To make the dumplings, combine the flour and salt in a medium bowl. Cut the shortening in with a fork or pastry blender. Add the 1/4 cup of water to the mixture and mix with your hands to form a dough. You can either do drop dumplings (just pinched off dough), or you can roll the dough out (my favorite), and use a knife or ravioli cutter to cut little dumpling squares. YUM.
Drop the dumplings into the slow-boiling chicken broth, gently stirring. Add the pepper. (In the interest of full disclosure, the actual recipe calls for adding a stick of melted butter at this point, too (misfit, I know you'll like that part!), but I don't use the butter.)
Turn the heat to low and let it simmer for as long as it takes the dumplings to cook- about 15 minutes or so.
Eat up! You have to let me know if you try this!!
Labels:
food
The Family (Infertility) Circus
Thursday, October 28, 2010
{Thank you for all your support yesterday- it is so amazing/comforting to read the comments as you girls post them. Thank you so much!}
I'm not sure if you read the funnies this past Sunday, but Family Circus had a three-part comic titled "It's Apparent You're a Parent". Of course the three little pictures were totally cheesy depictions of idyllic parent/family life.
Of course it made steam come out my ears. Ha!
So I decided I'm going to do a top-10 list of my own that is called "It's Apparent You're NOT a Parent", Halloween edition:
10. No one in your house is "excited" about Halloween- you participate only because you hope that someday neighbors will give your kids free candy. You'd rather turn off all the lights and hide in the bathroom and eat the whole bag of milky way's.
9. It is more fun to roast/eat the pumpkin seeds than to draw the carving design.
8. The costumes you consider buying (before your hubby vetoes the idea) have 4 leg holes and a tail hole.
7. You could care less if the 31st is on a Sunday, or if it is raining or snowing or -20F or 80F.
6. The only thing you do to get ready for trick or treating is dump the candy into a big bowl.
5. To decorate with scary things, you set out pregnancy tests and thermometers and ovulation monitors instead of witches and spiders and zombies.
4. You go by yourself to buy a pumpkin on a random Thursday afternoon.
3. You spend Halloween in your foyer, just the two of you and your dogs (who go crazy every time the doorbell rings), and seeing everyone else's perfect, happy families and kids come and go from your front door
2. You don't email pictures of your dressed-up kids to your entire address book the next day.
1. You have to switch off candy-duty with your husband, not so you can take your kids around to the neighbors, but so you can go change your pad- your period will be here, of course.
I want to hear your suggestions!!!
I'm not sure if you read the funnies this past Sunday, but Family Circus had a three-part comic titled "It's Apparent You're a Parent". Of course the three little pictures were totally cheesy depictions of idyllic parent/family life.
Of course it made steam come out my ears. Ha!
So I decided I'm going to do a top-10 list of my own that is called "It's Apparent You're NOT a Parent", Halloween edition:
10. No one in your house is "excited" about Halloween- you participate only because you hope that someday neighbors will give your kids free candy. You'd rather turn off all the lights and hide in the bathroom and eat the whole bag of milky way's.
9. It is more fun to roast/eat the pumpkin seeds than to draw the carving design.
8. The costumes you consider buying (before your hubby vetoes the idea) have 4 leg holes and a tail hole.
7. You could care less if the 31st is on a Sunday, or if it is raining or snowing or -20F or 80F.
6. The only thing you do to get ready for trick or treating is dump the candy into a big bowl.
5. To decorate with scary things, you set out pregnancy tests and thermometers and ovulation monitors instead of witches and spiders and zombies.
4. You go by yourself to buy a pumpkin on a random Thursday afternoon.
3. You spend Halloween in your foyer, just the two of you and your dogs (who go crazy every time the doorbell rings), and seeing everyone else's perfect, happy families and kids come and go from your front door
2. You don't email pictures of your dressed-up kids to your entire address book the next day.
1. You have to switch off candy-duty with your husband, not so you can take your kids around to the neighbors, but so you can go change your pad- your period will be here, of course.
I want to hear your suggestions!!!
Labels:
doggie,
general life,
non-IF people,
waiting
Same. AGAIN.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
BFN.
I wonder if Mr. A lays in bed pretending to sleep, but hearing me take the unopened box of tests into the bathroom, turn on the fan to try to mask the upcoming noise (really, who needs the fan first thing in the morning?!), rip open the insanely-loud cellophane packaging, unwrap a test, go to the bathroom, and flush.
I wonder if he thinks, hey, maybe today will be the morning she will come running out of the bathroom and wake me up to tell me that it's positive!
I wonder if he is as disappointed when I don't. (I know he is.)
I wonder if he thinks about it the whole walk with the dogs, like I do.
I wonder if he realizes that the rain this morning is taking the place of my tears. I just can't cry anymore.
I wonder if Mr. A lays in bed pretending to sleep, but hearing me take the unopened box of tests into the bathroom, turn on the fan to try to mask the upcoming noise (really, who needs the fan first thing in the morning?!), rip open the insanely-loud cellophane packaging, unwrap a test, go to the bathroom, and flush.
I wonder if he thinks, hey, maybe today will be the morning she will come running out of the bathroom and wake me up to tell me that it's positive!
I wonder if he is as disappointed when I don't. (I know he is.)
I wonder if he thinks about it the whole walk with the dogs, like I do.
I wonder if he realizes that the rain this morning is taking the place of my tears. I just can't cry anymore.
Some perspective
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
(Is it possible that I feel apathetic to testing tomorrow? Or am I kidding myself and playing games that my fear is apathy?)
I had a really interesting afternoon at the pregnancy clinic yesterday. My client said she had tested positive on two digitals at home and wanted confirmation. Her personal and financial life are, relative to mine, in veritable shambles (not being braggy, just being objective- and yes, I'm thoroughly thankful for all our blessings!), but her and her husband of 2 weeks did want to be pregnant. Our center's test was negative. (On a side note, has anyone ever heard of a false digital positive?!?!?) My client was CRUSHED. And I do mean crushed. I have never had someone cry so much so hard in a session before, even if they did not want to be pregnant and the test was positive. I gave her a minute to get the biggest tears out of the way, and choking back my own, I shared with her that I knew how she felt. I had been right where she is, wanting to be pregnant, and crying the same tears. I told her that personally I always believed that God would bring something good out of my sadness and that He would do the same for her.
My director happened to be in the room doing my yearly eval, and afterwards I was nervous to hear if she had thought that was appropriate for me to share my heart and beliefs when it came to a situation like this. She said I handled it so excellent, and she could barely believe I held it together. I was so encouraged!
At that moment that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share my story, I felt like this was the culmination of my infertility story. This was the reason! Honestly, and I have not been able to shake that feeling either. It was really amazing, too, because the devotional from Sarah's Laughter (link to the right) was about how God had a specific purpose for opening and closing Hannah's womb, and who knows what His purpose for infertility in our lives? I had read that devotional just before I arrived at volunteering, and it was very amazing how I felt the answer just hours later.
This girl had no job, no nice home, no car, an off-to-a-rocky-start marriage, and she wanted to be pregnant. Her sadness and disappointment is the SAME as mine, even though our circumstances are very different. Mr. A could not understand why she thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what the circumstance, if you long for a baby to be growing within you, hearing that there is nothing is a huge, huge blow. The pain of infertility is universal.
This session was very different. I have only ever tested negative before, and I hope tomorrow is different, too.
I had a really interesting afternoon at the pregnancy clinic yesterday. My client said she had tested positive on two digitals at home and wanted confirmation. Her personal and financial life are, relative to mine, in veritable shambles (not being braggy, just being objective- and yes, I'm thoroughly thankful for all our blessings!), but her and her husband of 2 weeks did want to be pregnant. Our center's test was negative. (On a side note, has anyone ever heard of a false digital positive?!?!?) My client was CRUSHED. And I do mean crushed. I have never had someone cry so much so hard in a session before, even if they did not want to be pregnant and the test was positive. I gave her a minute to get the biggest tears out of the way, and choking back my own, I shared with her that I knew how she felt. I had been right where she is, wanting to be pregnant, and crying the same tears. I told her that personally I always believed that God would bring something good out of my sadness and that He would do the same for her.
My director happened to be in the room doing my yearly eval, and afterwards I was nervous to hear if she had thought that was appropriate for me to share my heart and beliefs when it came to a situation like this. She said I handled it so excellent, and she could barely believe I held it together. I was so encouraged!
At that moment that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share my story, I felt like this was the culmination of my infertility story. This was the reason! Honestly, and I have not been able to shake that feeling either. It was really amazing, too, because the devotional from Sarah's Laughter (link to the right) was about how God had a specific purpose for opening and closing Hannah's womb, and who knows what His purpose for infertility in our lives? I had read that devotional just before I arrived at volunteering, and it was very amazing how I felt the answer just hours later.
This girl had no job, no nice home, no car, an off-to-a-rocky-start marriage, and she wanted to be pregnant. Her sadness and disappointment is the SAME as mine, even though our circumstances are very different. Mr. A could not understand why she thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what the circumstance, if you long for a baby to be growing within you, hearing that there is nothing is a huge, huge blow. The pain of infertility is universal.
This session was very different. I have only ever tested negative before, and I hope tomorrow is different, too.
Labels:
faith,
infertility,
non-IF people,
waiting
Looking Back
Monday, October 25, 2010
This here is post #300.
At this point, I've been blogging enough to start to look back on our year of pretty intense treatments. A year ago today, I was praying for a BFP from our first follistim cycle, and a year ago tomorrow, God told meno not yet, again. Don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm supposed to test on Wednesday, the 2-month anniversary of my Grandpa's passing away. I say "supposed to" because I'll only be 14dpo, and I've held off testing till 15dpo the past cycles. But I have this fantasy that I'll get a BFP and have an amazing heavenly high-five from my beloved Grandpa. We'll see if I get the courage to test on Wednesday... If not, Thursday is my sister's birthday, so I could always have fun telling her she's an aunt on her birthday. Oh yah, and if we're pregnant, the due date would be between my birthday and our anniversary. And finally, I could tell my mom in person when we go up to visit my other sister in 2 weeks. I maintain that this is torture!!
I can't believe we did all we did in the last year. And I can't believe that today, we are planning on not doing any more treatments (even clomid) for an indefinite amount of time. I'm going to continue acupuncture, we're going to continue eating organic/natural, and just see what happens.
But I can believe it, really. I always said (in the treatment trenches) that all the meds, appointments, hopes, and despairs didn't really seem to affect us that much, but looking back, it really had more of an impact that we were willing to grant it. It's kind of awful how it is SO subconscious that sometimes you aren't even aware of how the toll of IF is changing your life. Although I am scared about not doing any more meds/treatments (how will we ever conceive without meds if the super ones didn't even work?), that is what gives us peace right now. So that is what we'll do.
While all my fertile friends* look back on last year and count all the baby milestones that have happened in their house, the things that I can name are associated with acronyms, insurance coverages, and pharmacy and hospital bills. I suppose for the sake of full disclosure there are some other things, too- like getting Bert, and.... well I need to rack my brain for some more... does staying married in the midst of this struggle of our lives count?
I can only hope and pray that NEXT October, we will be looking back on a year of a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a happy family (FINALLY). If not, I don't know if I'll be able to handle looking back anymore- may have to settle for looking "forward " to a life in a family of 2.
*Update on telling my friends about our journey: 5 of the 7 girls have been moderately-to-generally supportive. 2 I have not heard a peep from. One of those had a baby boy sometime this or last month (okay fine so she is "busy")- I have no idea when because she only announced on facebook, and I'm one of the only ones of my generation who thinks facebook is creepy. She never told me (she knows I'm not on facebook), and even after I had emailed her congratulations (which took alot for me to muster), she recently sent out an email update (guess she has time for that after all) about her new baby (#2, of course), and did not include me on the update. I guess I need to clarify with them that I already feel 95% left out of what is going on with them, and if they start leaving me totally out of the loop, well, I'll feel 100% left out!!! I have some emotionally fair days when I can handle reading your baby updates, people!!!
PS. Did anyone else see this on FOX News' site this morning. GUESS WHAT, FOX!! If you need fertility treatments to conceive, you're not fertile!!! Stop the insanity!!! (Celine Dion is their #1 "Fertile after 40" celebrity!!!)
At this point, I've been blogging enough to start to look back on our year of pretty intense treatments. A year ago today, I was praying for a BFP from our first follistim cycle, and a year ago tomorrow, God told me
I can't believe we did all we did in the last year. And I can't believe that today, we are planning on not doing any more treatments (even clomid) for an indefinite amount of time. I'm going to continue acupuncture, we're going to continue eating organic/natural, and just see what happens.
But I can believe it, really. I always said (in the treatment trenches) that all the meds, appointments, hopes, and despairs didn't really seem to affect us that much, but looking back, it really had more of an impact that we were willing to grant it. It's kind of awful how it is SO subconscious that sometimes you aren't even aware of how the toll of IF is changing your life. Although I am scared about not doing any more meds/treatments (how will we ever conceive without meds if the super ones didn't even work?), that is what gives us peace right now. So that is what we'll do.
While all my fertile friends* look back on last year and count all the baby milestones that have happened in their house, the things that I can name are associated with acronyms, insurance coverages, and pharmacy and hospital bills. I suppose for the sake of full disclosure there are some other things, too- like getting Bert, and.... well I need to rack my brain for some more... does staying married in the midst of this struggle of our lives count?
I can only hope and pray that NEXT October, we will be looking back on a year of a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a happy family (FINALLY). If not, I don't know if I'll be able to handle looking back anymore- may have to settle for looking "forward " to a life in a family of 2.
*Update on telling my friends about our journey: 5 of the 7 girls have been moderately-to-generally supportive. 2 I have not heard a peep from. One of those had a baby boy sometime this or last month (okay fine so she is "busy")- I have no idea when because she only announced on facebook, and I'm one of the only ones of my generation who thinks facebook is creepy. She never told me (she knows I'm not on facebook), and even after I had emailed her congratulations (which took alot for me to muster), she recently sent out an email update (guess she has time for that after all) about her new baby (#2, of course), and did not include me on the update. I guess I need to clarify with them that I already feel 95% left out of what is going on with them, and if they start leaving me totally out of the loop, well, I'll feel 100% left out!!! I have some emotionally fair days when I can handle reading your baby updates, people!!!
PS. Did anyone else see this on FOX News' site this morning. GUESS WHAT, FOX!! If you need fertility treatments to conceive, you're not fertile!!! Stop the insanity!!! (Celine Dion is their #1 "Fertile after 40" celebrity!!!)
Labels:
acupuncture,
doggie,
family,
friends,
general life,
infertility,
meds,
natural living,
non-IF people,
waiting
Food on Friday
Friday, October 22, 2010
I have never been one to do some of the weekday postings, but since it seems like at least some of you are interested in what/how I cook, I think I will start a new Friday theme of FOOD! Plus I love to talk about cooking anyway, so it will be a nice diversion from whatever ttc-catastrophe has just happened to me.
Today's recipe is my mom's apple crisp! We still have a half of a bag of apples from the orchard sitting on the dining room table. I did make some amazing apple muffins last weekend, too, but maybe that will be next Friday's recipe!
This crisp is very easy and very good. You can even have it for breakfast and not feel guilty, because it is mostly apples and oatmeal.... or at least that is what I tell myself when I'm spooning some into a dish next to my morning fake coffee!!!
Lest you think I am some sort of amazing photographer like this gal or this gal, you should lower your expectations immediately! I don't even have a picture of this crisp! Guess we were too busy digging in...
Here are the ingredients:
6 cups of sliced/peeled apples (I used fuji, but you could definitely use any kind you like!)
1.5 cups of oatmeal (dry)
1/2 cup of flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup of softened/mushable butter
Spray an 8x8 glass dish with nonstick spray and arrange the sliced apples in the dish. In a big bowl, combine the oatmeal, flour, spices, vanilla, brown sugar, and butter. Stir until it the butter has kind of bonded with the other ingredients to create a crumbly consistency. Cover the apples with this mixture. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes!
And there you have it! You should try it and let me know how it turns out :) Happy cooking!
Today's recipe is my mom's apple crisp! We still have a half of a bag of apples from the orchard sitting on the dining room table. I did make some amazing apple muffins last weekend, too, but maybe that will be next Friday's recipe!
This crisp is very easy and very good. You can even have it for breakfast and not feel guilty, because it is mostly apples and oatmeal.... or at least that is what I tell myself when I'm spooning some into a dish next to my morning fake coffee!!!
Lest you think I am some sort of amazing photographer like this gal or this gal, you should lower your expectations immediately! I don't even have a picture of this crisp! Guess we were too busy digging in...
Here are the ingredients:
6 cups of sliced/peeled apples (I used fuji, but you could definitely use any kind you like!)
1.5 cups of oatmeal (dry)
1/2 cup of flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup of softened/mushable butter
Spray an 8x8 glass dish with nonstick spray and arrange the sliced apples in the dish. In a big bowl, combine the oatmeal, flour, spices, vanilla, brown sugar, and butter. Stir until it the butter has kind of bonded with the other ingredients to create a crumbly consistency. Cover the apples with this mixture. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes!
And there you have it! You should try it and let me know how it turns out :) Happy cooking!
Labels:
food
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