Emotional

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. And unfortunately, this morning was tough, too. I'm hoping today will only get better.

I had a midwife appointment first thing yesterday morning.

-Good news is that my blood pressure was the best it's been in a long time :) Yay! (Not that it was ever bad, but it was just better this time..)
-Medium news is that I technically passed my 3-hr glucose test (yay!), with the caveat that I still failed the 1-hr draw (but I passed the fasting, 2-hr, and 3-hr). So my midwife said while I do not have the diagnosis of GD, I have "some glucose intolerance" and "unless {I} want a big baby, {I} need to steer clear of juices, ice cream, and pies". (Yes, she really said "pies", which for some reason I think is kind of funny.)
-Bad news is that I gained 3lbs in the last 2 weeks.

Good news is good news, and I'm so grateful for it!!

Medium news is harder. I am also grateful to have technically passed, and I fully acknowledge that some providers would have just said "you passed" instead of giving me my specific numbers and pointing out that I didn't pass one of the draws. So, given another provider, it's possible that I would not be going through heartache over it. But since I know, I am just worried. I feel like I already eat pretty darn heathily- no cokes, no mounds of cookies, no daily cartons of ice cream, no white breads, etc. (I will admit to a glass of juice on the weekends and a few cookies once in a blue moon when I make them.) But I feel like I need to follow a GD diet. I don't want the baby to get too much sugar, and following a GD diet is the only thing I can think of. I asked my mom to send me the meal plan flip chart that her dietician gave her when she had GD with my brother. She is a nurse, and when I told her that I didn't pass one of the levels, her reaction was a tad more intense than I had wanted, but I should have expected as much. It is just alot to take in, trying to change what I thought was already a healthy diet.

I think I'll have tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch today. HA!... speaking of tomatoes and cucumbers......

Bad news hit hard. Especially since I don't really feel like my eating habits or quantities have changed at all, and I'm still walking 40 minutes a day and doing yoga 4-5 times a week. Lest you be worried that I am fretting about gaining weight, be not afraid! I will gain as much weight as it takes to grow this healthy baby girl without blinking an eye. But what worries me is that it is too much too fast or something, and that it isn't healthy for her, or it isn't healthy for me, and I need to be healthy to make sure she grows heathily!!! I have been pretty pleased with my weight gain over this pregnancy, but I've gained 9lbs since the middle of June (+19lbs total for the pregnancy at 31w), and it just seems like that is alot. (Although my midwife isn't concerned- of course I asked!) I also shared this frustration with my mom, and while I totally agree that honesty is the best policy, I was looking for a tad more reassurance that I wasn't turning into a blimp. She suggested that I just start eating half of the portions I've been eating. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get the recommended amount of protein and/or other nutrients for baby girl's development if I do that. I just want to be the healthiest I can for our little one, and I think good weight management will be best for us both.....

So maybe I'll have half of a cucumber and half of a tomato for lunch... hahahahaha....

But, the silver lining to the midwife appointment is that my blood pressure was great, baby girl's heartbeat sounded lovely, and my belly is measuring just right. Thank you, Lord!!

Moving on, work actually went fairly well yesterday. I walked the pups early because we had our first hospital class from 7-9pm last night. Our set of classes meets from 7-9pm seven times in August. Wow, we are going to be exhausted....

We arrived at the class, and with the exception of the high school table (okay, maybe they are in their late teens/early twenties), the other couples are around our age or maybe a little older. We received a pretty decent informational book, and Mr. A (being the written-learner that he is) sat right down and started reading through it. It's a magazine-style book, maybe 80 pages with words and figures. The presenter was good (I think she covered 1.5-2 chapters between just talking and showing a couple videos?), but she didn't hold a candle to Mr. A's need to mow through the book. I am very thankful that he was so interested in reading through the book. I know that he would have gobbled up even more technical details if they had been in there. Needless to say, he finished reading it about 3/4 of the way through the class and has declared that he now knows everything there is to know about it.

Mostly because "it's just common sense".

Now Mr. A is a very logical, common-sense type of guy. I actually do feel fairly confident that if we never read one word about labor and delivery and had to deliver our baby ourselves in the middle of a forgotten forest, we would have a successful go of it. But at 9:15pm, when he was hungry again, and we were both tired, and all he could say about the class was essentially that the other couples should just read the book and understand like he did, and that the rest of the childbirth prep classes are going to be a colossal waste of time, it was just one more heap of emotional weight on me yesterday. I admit I don't really feel like I "learned" anything last night either, but it was just alot to take in after the morning I'd had.

Although the one hilarious thing that he did glean from the presentation was that the hospital's baby warmers are directly analogous to "the heat lamps that keep the hashbrowns warm at McDonald's".. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So all in all, I went to bed totally emotionally spent. I am in awe that we are at the point where we are getting to do these things to prepare for our baby. And just like infertility, some days are rough.

This morning I didn't want to get up. I just felt so overwhelmed with the feelings of failure from yesterday. After we walked the dogs and Mr. A left for work, I sat with the pups on the couch. When I tried to tell Bert that I was having a hard morning, I seriously almost started crying. Sheesh!!! When I emailed Mr. A that I was having a bad morning, and he called to check on me, I did cry when I was trying to explain what was wrong. Surely, my yoga class would be a pick-me-up....

Except that when I got on the interstate to go to yoga, they were paving one lane, and there was a several-mile backup. Not going to make it to class 25 miles away, on time, going 3 miles an hour.... so I turned around, came home, and watched the Bac.helorette finale on hu.lu instead. (YAY JP!!)

I was supposed to have a teleconference at 1pm, but it looks like the other person has forgotten to call. That is okay with me. (Watch, he will call now.) Today can only get better!

At the end of the day, we are so thankful for this little girl. Her movements have been really awesome to feel in the last few days, and it is so cool. I tear up just thinking that she will be here in about 9 weeks, give or take. I guess this is only the beginning of some serious emotions!!

(ETA: I hope it's obvious that I am not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about how even the silliest things strike such fear of failure when you are PAIF. Like I could care less if I have to eat nothing but celery the rest of the pregnancy to cut out sugars and gain a healthy amount of weight- anything so that I don't fail at bringing this healthy baby into the world!!)

8 comments:

Coco said...

Oh sweetie. *hugs* I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. I hope you get to take a good break from "reality" so you can have the strength to keep going. I understand your concerns, and I want to be reassuring without sounding trite or insensitive... and I just don't know how to do that via internet. So I'll just say that you have an amazing head on your shoulders and you will know what to do for you and your baby. All of your concerns are real and warranted, but try to give yourself a break from them too. I am just SURE that you will find your way through this maze and straight to a healthy beautiful baby. Hang in there.

Tara said...

I have read your blog faithfully since TTC but haven't commented since I became pg. I'm so, so happy for you, was seriously excited about your miracle!

Anyways, I just wanted to say you're doing great with the weight - in my experience the weight just piles on the last couple of months, and my understanding is that's perfectly normal and nothing to do with anything you're doing. I was on track for seven months to gain 25 lbs. but ended up gaining 35, still in the healthy range, just the opposite end of what I was shooting for! Just the fact that you are exercising and eating healthy means so much more than the number of pounds. Your baby has those benefits of your healthy lifestyle, something most babies don't have! (Including mine, I'm ashamed to say, but I'm trying to do better now)

I hope these last months before you get to meet your daughter are happy and peaceful!

Trisha said...

Big hugs to you! I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of days! Some days are hard, just remember to take a deep breath :) I remember when we came home with Garrett we both were very emotional; it helped to just talk about things and get it out. I think you're doing great with the weight, remember stress doesn't help (I know easier said than done). I know that child care class we had to go to was pretty "boring" as well and most of it was common sense. I hope your next ones are better! I'm praying for you!

RMCarter said...

Okay, I feel your pain with the weight gain. I gained 6 pounds in a month, twice. I am up to 24 pounds (which is the amount I wanted to gain the whole pregnancy, and I have 8 weeks left!). I gained weight slowly in the beginning, so I thought I was all good, then it caught up to me. BUT, I have decided not to care. I eat what my body wants which is mostly protein right now (meat, peanut butter, milk, etc). I figure that’s what I need and if I gain 35 pounds this pregnancy instead of 25, so be it. I have been asking around and very fit, healthy women have gained 35 – 45 (!!!) pounds during their pregnancy, and these are girls who exercise, eat very healthy and lost the weight very quickly. I have come to realize that every pregnancy, body and baby is different. I’m going to gain what I gain and, as long as *I* know I am making good choices (and my doctor is not concerned), then that’s what matters. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I am just going to enjoy my pregnancy. ;)

I hope this was a little encouraging! I have felt just like you about that issue and it felt really good to finally let it go.

Amber said...

I understand your worry!! For me though, sweets are sooo tempting...I'm trying to eat healthier, but sometimes its so hard! I had my 27 wk appt yesterday. I passed my 1 hour glucose, BUT, I gained 8 lbs in 4 weeks for a total of 20lbs so far!! Now, of coarse I talked to my doc about it, and she was not worried at all, but this momma is! So, I think I will be with you in eating the cucumber and tomatoe...if I only had them on hand!

myjourneythruinfertility said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough time . . . hang in there and be king to yourself. Just because you suffered from infertility it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have the same fears/complaints/feelings that other pregnant women do. My motto is always to "feel it" and move on. The more I find myself beating myself up for feeling something or try to not feel something the more anxious and overwhelmed I end up being- please use this place to vent, no judgment in any way, regardless of where you are on your journey :)

lowfatlady said...

I think that only gaining 19 pounds is great. I gained 32 pounds total and was a little over weight to begin with and that was within range. I also think the fact that you are actively watching what you eat and exercise is great. That just means that your body is gaining what it needs too. Everyone doesn't fit in the box. Try not to be too hard on yourself, your doing great.

Praying for Hope said...

Don't worry too much about the sudden large weight gain just yet. I remember a where I'd gained 5 pounds in 4 weeks. The prior weeks were all resonable as were that latter. It could well be the LO had a growth spurt.

I enjoyed our baby classes. I especially enjoyed the day we got to tour the birthing center. Not that I picked up much information from that, but it was nice to know where we were going and get a vague idea of what we might expect. Same thing with the classes. I pretty sure I remembered very little from them, but the fact that we went to them helped me become more comfortable with the process. They also helped me make up my mind on the epidural. Maybe they are common sense, but they still give you a little more confidence in the birth and baby care process than you had.