I am scared of failing again

Monday, July 11, 2011

Failing the 1-hr test has really unsettled me. After having a complication-free pregnancy so far (I know, I'm very lucky), I find myself being really afraid of having GD, but also now afraid of other things. Mr. A maintains that being afraid of all these other things is illogical and a waste of energy, and it's not like I'm dwelling on them 24 hours a day, but whereas I used to think of myself as a strong, pregnant woman, now I just have visions of it all falling apart.... my body failing me just like it did while trying to conceive.

I am afraid of having GD...
I am afraid of going to my appointment this Friday and having high blood pressure.
I am afraid that I've gained too much weight in the last month.
I am afraid that I'll get vericose veins and look ugly.
I am afraid that I won't be able strong enough to have a natural birth. (Assuming there aren't any complications out of my control that require interventions.)
I am afraid that the baby will have too much sugar and have trouble after birth.
I am afraid that people will think GD is my fault.
I am afraid that GD is my fault.
I am afraid that I won't be able to regulate it with diet and will have to take insulin.
I am afraid that I will have diabetes forever.

I used to be pretty confident that I am doing and will do a great job carrying this baby, and that I am totally strong enough for natural birth, and don't worry, there is still a tiny part of me that believes that (somewhere). But if I am being honest, I just want to cry about this latest test result. I think probably when I call my nurse back this morning I might cry when scheduling the 3-hr test. I think probably I will cry at my appointment on Friday, especially if I've failed the 3-hr test, too. And I think if I pass the 3-hr, I'm still going to be afraid that I have GD and they didn't catch it.

I know it is a pretty common complication, and that most people regulate it fine with diet (including my mom and twin mama vv!), and maybe it was naive of me to have thought that since I eat a healthy diet and get good exercise every day that I wouldn't have to struggle with this. I know that most people say that there is nothing a mama can do to prevent from developing GD, but I look at the risk factors and wonder if maybe it was because I had a few extra pounds before becoming pregnant. I can't get over the fact that maybe it's my fault. What else am I going to drop the ball on?

I know that it's all extrapolation at this point, but this is where I'm at. I know it's been said on other blogs, but infertile people should be granted totally complication-free pregnancies. It is and has always been and will always be completely terrifying that things will go wrong, after all the struggle to conceive. The feeling of failing that I was so used to with infertility is back with a vengence.

But all of that being true, I am also so grateful for our baby girl. Mr. A and I were driving to get our pups from the kennel last night, and I'd forgotten the check, so we had to run back home and get one, and then head back out, and I almost teared up then, too. I remarked that I don't really need one more thing going wrong when everything else is going to crap, too.

And he goes "Oh what, the one thing that might not be completely perfect with you being pregnant with our perfect miracle baby?"

And he is so right. We are so thankful for our daughter, and that everything so far has been going great. We will deal with GD if we have to; whatever we need to do to make sure our baby arrives healthy and happy is what we will do. All things considered, this complication is a pretty benign one if treated, and I am fully aware that there are couples receiving unimaginably much more heartbreaking news than they have to keep a close eye on their sugar intake.

So yes, in the grand scheme of things, my fears are probably pretty insignificant, but in the interest of being honest, here they are. I'm trying to be a strong PAIF'er, but last week really took the wind out of me. Hopefully I can get my feet back under me soon....


TeeJay said...

I know you know this, but you are being too hard on yourself. I'm not going to tell you not to worry because that is not possible. You are a mother now and you will worry every minute of your life about your child's health and well being. I will tell you, however, that you did and are doing everything you can to ensure the health of your child. If IF has taught me anything it's that many things are out of our control. You will face this challenge as you have faced everything (since I've been reading your blog, anyway) else...head on and with a positive outlook. There is nothing that will come your way that you can't handle. I know you are disappointed and that's ok. But don't let it bring you down too far. Your baby girl needs your strength and convictioin right now. Take that 3 hour test and show it who's boss. And if you don't pass...well, you should worry about that bridge if you get to it.

Leah said...

I'm sorry you are worrying so much. And however illogical worrying is, it is still normal.

You are doing everything in your power to make sure you and the baby are healthy. . . and that is all you can do. Try to focus your energy on what is in your control, and not on the things you can't control.

I'm the woman who went and ate subway right before my glucose test (oops) and I passed. I ate like crap, and I passed. You on the other hand are doing EVERYTHING right. Everything will be fine. :)

Coco said...

Oh sweetie. *hugs* What a hard couple of weeks. You just had your second family death in a year and then you got bad news on the way to the funeral... add to that the pregnancy hormones which will make any/every situation feel so much more brutal and raw... ANYONE would be having a breakdown right now. I think you should take a break from regular life... stay home and watch movies, cry, take a bath, whatever you think will help... then see where you are with all of this. There's no use arguing with emotions, they are not logical, you just have to let them out.

Of course it isn't your fault, but that's SO easy to say. And I'm positive that YOU of all people will be able to kick GD's butt! Look at how the Lord already prepared you for this, with all of your healthy eating and habits... you're already halfway to the solution before you knew you had the problem! And as for varicose veins... speaking as the Gorbacrotch Queen here, haha... they do go away after pregnancy... and if you get any that don't go away after pregnancy, then there's a super easy procedure to zap the little crappers. Yeah, I look ugly with them, but I try to convince myself that it's just proof of extra blood going to baby.. haha. Not exactly medically accurate, but it makes me feel better. *hugs*

RMCarter said...

I have my own list of fears too. It is tough being pregnant after infertility. But you are tough. You can do it. I noticed in your list of fears is that, for virtually all of those fears, you still end up with a healthy, happy baby in the end. Even with vericose veins, even if you gain to much weight, even if you aren't able to have a nautral birth and, yes, even if you have GD. Your little girl will be okay through all that. And that is what really matters.

I'm telling you all this because these are the things I need to hear whenever I struggle with my fears. It is all the truth, and we know it, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

Chin up, you can do this! I am glad you have this blog to vent your fears and so many friends to help calm them.

P.S. I did gain too much weight at my last appointment. Of course I was disappointed... but life went on. ;)

Praying for Hope said...

I'd say every single fear is absolutley and completely natural . . . and probably unfounded. I had a lot of those fears. I lucked out in not having problems with GD, but I did get high blood pressure toward the end. It was disconcerting since I'd watched my diet all along, we already ate a fairly low sodium diet, I was exercising, and I'd always - always - had perfect blood pressure. And there is was going up anyway. Everything turned out fine in the end. BP is normal again and baby is thriving.

I'm afraid I can't speak for having strength enough for a natural childbirth. I'm a wimp when it comes to that and I caved the moment I was able to round up to 5cm (making it to 5cm was my goal). No regrets. I have no regrets. I did have some pretty spectacular varicose veins, but the ones that developed during pregnancy have all faded. My weight gain was in fits and starts, too. I had one two week period where I'd gained five pounds although it average out fine over the course of the entire 40 weeks.

That's probably the key: decide now to have no regrets. The goal is a happy, healthy baby and a happy, healthy you. Just do your best. If things don't turn out quite as you planned, shrug your shoulders, continue doing your best, and work on the rest from there. That was my basic philosphy. It kept me somewhat sane . . . more or less.

Grand said...

Please don't worry!!!!!!! I had GD with last two miracles- it is manageable!!! No guilt either- you know how I eat and what I weigh- it is not something you can prevent!!!! Treat yourself to an extra yoga and nap (:

AL said...

I know it's hard, but you have to have peace with your body through this. I really struggled with this too (and still do to an extent, if I'm being honest). But your body is doing awesome and you are treating your body (and in turn your miracle baby) the very best you can. You're exercising, eating right ~ that's all you can do. The rest is out of your control, left up to genetics, unfortunately.

Be kind to yourself. You will kick the three hour test's butt and remember that even if you end up w GD - baby girl is going to be just fine. and so are you.


Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I agree with the other posters, you are being way to hard on yourself. Most of these are out of your control, and worrying about them won't solve anything. You can just do your best, and if there is a probelm know that you are going to catch it early and do everything in your power to stay healthy for you and your baby. Hang in there girl, you are doing an amazing job!

the misfit said...

I stand by my original point: I am positive your baby is totally healthy. GD is just some goofball test, and doctors are wrong about things every day; but your healthy diet is an objective fact. Who was the blogger who was told she had GD and a huge monster-headed baby and the baby was like seven pounds with a normal head? And they induced her because they were all freaked out, and they were totally wrong. You're doing EVERYTHING right.

Also, because I'm certain this is very important, your word verification is: eggyness. Really. Spelled just like that. DOESN'T THAT INSPIRE CONFIDENCE???

BelowAverageAthlete said...

Hi A - Sorry, I don't comment much anymore. Honestly, just busy with my little sweet girl. I do read though. I did want to comment today. I had every single worry when I was pregnant too. I too did not pass the 1 hour test. I felt terrible and just wanted things to be normal. I ended up passing the 3 hour. I hope it is the same for you. What I have learned now as a parent, is that you constantly worry and just want things to be normal. Anytime she has gotten a runny nose, I blame myself that I should have protected her better. However, what I come to learn is that I am doing the best I can do, and that all the worry is taking my energy from enjoying this beautiful sweet girl. So, I try not to worry as much. You are doing everything you can do and that is all your little could ask for. I hope you feel better soon and the 3 hour test goes better!!!!