He knows

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Ladies, Mr. A has finally felt it.

Yesterday, I got a text from the wife of one of Mr. A's friends. We don't hang out with them often because our lifestyles are pretty different. Here is what I've written about them before:

It's interesting how hubby's deal with infertility, especially failures of significant cycles. A guy we know here (late 50ish) and his wife (late 30ish) are also going through treatments. They, fairly regularly, smoke cigarettes and something-different-than-cigarettes-if-you-get-my-drift, polish off bottles of wine per person, make enough j.ello sh.ots to satisfy an entire fra.t house, drink enough at home to cause passing out on their front porch, and drink enough at a bar to cause a yelling match in the parking lot followed by a poor decision to drive home. All while romantically professing that it is their deepest desire to have a child together. You know, just the people whose first IUI (fairly recently) will be wildly successful. They are having a party coming up, the day after they find out if their IUI worked. We have gone to their parties before (and have chosen coke instead of ya.ger, of course). I told Mr. A that I don't mind going, but he said without equivocation that he doesn't want to go because it will be right after they find out and he doesn't want to be there either outcome. Struck me as a demonstration of how guarded he actually is when it comes to others trying, especially others who have no apparent regard for trying to be as healthy as possible through all of this.

So anyway, the wife says she wants to have us over for dinner. I mentioned this to Mr. A when he called on his way home from work. He goes, "well, um, well, maybe I should tell you when I get home."

Oh. My. Godsh.

They are due in April.

Mr. A found out about a month ago when my college friends were trying to kill me, and he thought (pretty wisely so) that I couldn't handle this on top of that. He knew I would be really upset. And he was right. I cried some loud, sad tears before he arrived home last night. I felt very clearly that God hates me.

But for the first time (that I know about), he is hurt and angry, too. He said "I can be happy for anyone else, even your (w)itchy friends. But the only thing I feel when I look at him is anger. They are the most undeservingest people, and yet they can go have a baby."

Sigh. Mr. A is normally not a person who gets angry, so for him to feel this way, I know he is hurting big time.

It's not that I want my husband to feel the same anguish that I do almost every time I field a pregnancy announcement, but I think he finally understands how it is so much easier said than done to "just be happy for them" when you feel, for a variety of reasons, that there is no reason why they should have been able to make a baby- or at least your prayers should have been answered first.

We talked about this crappy situation the entire walk with the dogs. And while we were making dinner. And while we were eating dinner. It was so nice to have a conversation about how much this hurts. I told him that "there must be some amazing stuff coming down the pipe for us after this", except, in the heat of the moment, I didn't say "stuff", if you get what I mean.

I also decided that if we want to buy any sort of thing (as long as we can afford it), my reason is going to be that "obviously we aren't going to have to pay for college". Ha!

We will be okay. We talked about lofty goals of setting up a college scholarship fund for a high schooler in our area, or maybe getting on the board at the food bank or something. We have to figure out how our lives are going to mean something, when everyone else but us are being validated by having kids.

But hell if we are going to their house for dinner. Neither of us can handle that. Unfortunately for them, our weekends are filled up with appointments that aren't scheduled yet ;-)


Coco said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. It kinda makes you want to just hide in a hole and NEVER talk to anyone again. I'm sorry that your hubby is struggling too, but I agree that it's still nice to be validated in that way by his emotions.

Man, I just wish I could understand a little bit of God's plan. I know God has a plan, but I really struggle with this one a lot. I actually have an "old college friend" who is pregnant with her third child right now, and complaining about it. She called me when she found out she was pregnant to say something like it was such bad timing and she just didn't want it, but she GUESSES she'll find a way to love the child. Grrrr. Followed up by her rant to me about how people don't spank their children enough, and that her children are spanked STARTING at 6 mos old.... FOR HAVING A DIRTY DIAPER. **hyperventilating here** We argued for a long time, and she said it works and all her kids are potty trained by 1 year old. Grrrr! And SHE is popping out more kids than she even wants! How is this supposed to work again? Sorry venting. BTW, yeah I don't talk to her anymore, we are now just "FB friends."

Anyway, my "I understand" post just ended up being all about me. Sorry. But I really hope this heavy blow goes away soon. It sucks to always be hurt. Yeah, and I definitely wouldn't go to their house either...

the misfit said...

OK, I am so glad that you turned down that invitation. If you had accepted, I might have had to drive down there and have a chat with you. IFers don't need to torture themselves any extra! Fight the power! Or whatever :).

I know exactly what you mean (wait, am I not supposed to say that?) about the mixed feelings about the husband feeling it too. I don't want my DH to be unhappy the way that I have been, but when I feel it and he doesn't, it makes the whole thing even more isolating. Better to be able to share it with him.

And your friends...honestly, over and above the whole IF treatment and they shouldn't have been able to conceive on long odds with an unhealthy lifestyle thing, they sound like totally unfit parents, the sort of people who OUGHT to be infertile (permanently) because a child would be better off with someone responsible.

I am still working on this campaign to assign infertility on a rational basis...haven't made any headway, I'm afraid :).

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I remember my husband having one of these moments and me being torn. Happy that he got it, sad that he got it. Good for you on turning down the invite.

lowfatlady said...

Ugh, why do people who take all these risks and still do stuff like they don't realize what gift they have gotten manage to get pregnant. Things are not fair sometimes. While I am happy that you and your hubs could share a moment together and share how you were feeling similar, I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Trisha said...

I'm sorry! Praying for you and that God will continue to guide you!

callmemama said...

Our husbands are so good about staying strong and hopeful for us, that it is really shocking when they show how hurt they are...just like we are. As hard as it is to see them hurting, it IS nice to know that your spouse understands...
And WOW, that couple. I remember when our friend F and his wife decided to get pregnant, I was PISSED that they still smoked pot almost everyone weekend. They still do occasionally, with two kids, but from what I can tell only one of them at a time so they're not both out of it. Great parenting, huh?
Your "friends" have even the added layer of being older. Which totally sucks. I can understand young, irresponsible people getting pregnant - that's what they do, right? But an older couple...yeah, so unfair!
I would DEFINITELY not go to dinner.

Nixy said...

Ug. I'm so sorry.

I remember that when Sweets and I went through his "realization" (much like this) that it really helped bring us together. I hope that it does the same for you (sounds like it might be).

Thinking of you...

hollytraveling said...

I'm so sorry. It's not fair. Definitely smart move skipping dinner. Don't think I could have handled that myself.

Whitney said...

I'm so sorry! Boy, do we know what that is like. In fact, I kind of wrote about a similar subject on my blog a while back. I feel the same way you just described when I see unwed teenagers become pregnant. I think, "They didn't even want that baby, and now they are being rewarded for their irresponsibility and I am still waiting for my turn. It's not fair!"
But I do know that God has a plan for me. I know he has one for you too! And, even though it is probably a small consolation, I have been touched by you sharing your experiences. Thank you for being so open about your feelings regarding infertility. It makes the rest of us who struggle as you do, not feel so alone!