Aching

I know that I haven't gotten back to posting alot yet, but I keep up with all y'all on my blogroll while I'm nursing Maryanne.

If you have a moment to pray for Deanna, please do. She is carrying precious twins and found out one of them (a baby girl) has an omphalocele, among other issues, and they are hoping that her issues do not affect the other twin. My heart is absolutely breaking for her. I am sure she is trying to keep her head above water, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be in her shoes, but I thought what she wrote today was so beautiful: "...the swelling around the baby's head, which actually looks like a halo, is very severe.....As of now, we are praying that God would take our special angel home. Regardless of her physical handicaps, she is just is perfect as her brother/sister. She already wears her halo."

If you have more than a few moments, maybe leave her a comment of support.

Hullabaloo

I haven't been able to get back into frequent blogging (yet?), and most of my blog-reading takes place on my phone while I'm feeding Maryanne, but I take it that there has been some fuss over the creation of the new PAIL blogroll.

From my limited understanding, the issue is that there is already one universal infertility blog list (Stirrup Queens), so why do we need another? Or is the stink that it's exclusive to those still trying?

When I first heard about the new blogroll, and maybe I am not a deep enough thinker or something, but I was really excited. I viewed it as another resource as an infertile mom, but still an infertile. The same way that I view Stirrup Queens. Is there such a thing as too many resources? Of course, it will comprise people who are on the blessed other side of being childless, but I have found that infertility still affects me daily- good and bad. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I am not still the biggest cheerleader for my TTC or childfree buddies.

There were many days before we became pregnant that I absolutely not stomach another pregnant after IF blog. But there were some days when reading about someone's triumph over the IF crap gave me so much hope. Is having a blogroll that is entirely a testament to people's beating IF really a bad thing?

So anyway, I joined PAIL. I am also on Stirrup Queens' list, but I forget where.... I hope that it didn't offend any readers who are still trying. I know I don't have alot of extra brain cells these days, but maybe people are overthinking it and getting themselves into a tizzy? Why can't we all just get along? ;-)

New blog for you

IF makes this world a small one. It also brings people together who otherwise would never have met. And by "met" I mean both in real life and in this great Adoption-Loss-Infertility (ALI) and Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss (PAIL) communities of ours. (If you haven't checked out PAIL, it's new, so be sure to click the link and check it out!)

A (infertile) friend of a (fertile) friend of mine just sent me a sweet note to tell me that she is pregnant with twins after only one IVF cycle!! I was so excited to hear from her, and I was even more excited when she told me she has started her own blog!!

Please go over and say hi to her- at Miracles on Long View Drive! {Welcome to our little world, Miss Type A, and I can't wait to keep up with you through your blog!!}

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)