Everyone says "What a difference a year makes" at some point or another in their lives. Yesterday, I was talking (emailing) to one of my best friends, and she said "Think how far you have come since last year this time".
And since bloggers have an awesome history of themselves saved in a cute little drop down menu, I went to check what I was doing May 20 last year.
I knew it was around when we found out our IVF failed.
I didn't remember it was officially May 20.
Or, as I so succinctly put it, "It's the end".
I can't even begin to sufficiently describe how different this morning was, and now that I have the perspective of how far we have really come, I am having trouble putting the awesomeness (literally) of this morning into words. Let's just say we are so blessed; this baby looks perfect. We are so grateful, it is beyond anything we could have ever dreamed would happen to us, and we just pray for this child that they will continue growing beautifully and healthfully.
I'll update the ultrasound/belly page with a new belly pic and photos from this morning momentarily, so keep checking back!! (Pictures are up now!)
Oh. Were you wondering if this baby is a boy or girl? Well, let's just say we can't wait for HER to arrive in October!!! :-D
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Myth: IVF Always Works
Friday, April 29, 2011
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am choosing to address the myth that "all" infertile couples have to do is IVF and that it is a sure solution to their childlessness.
If you aren't familiar with our story, last March/April we went through a cancelled IVF cycle, and in April/May, we went through an IVF cycle but lost our one embryo.
So, long story short, IVF does not always work. Myth busted.
And as a result, it really bugs me when people who are uneducated about the IVF process go around perpetuating the myth that IVF itself is a sure-fire way to make babies and that it is an easy no-risk solution to getting a baby (and, on the flip side, that people who don't choose to do IVF have a harder time dealing with infertility).
Let's start with the first sub-myth, that IVF itself makes the babies and so if you do IVF, you will definitely have a baby. Here is what normal America fails to realize: there are some pretty smart people in charge of the eggs and sperm in the IVF lab, but news flash, they are not GOD, who is the creator of all things. Those doctors can mix your eggs and his sperm, but they cannot FORCE fertilization. Those doctors can even inject the sperm into the egg, but they still cannot FORCE fertilization. There is nothing they can do to "make" embryos and certainly nothing they can do to cause the embryos to grow and divide. Because that is up to God, whom they are not. (Even if you think for the amount you are paying for a given cycle, they should be.) And that is the reason why IVF is not a sure thing: as much as science would love to claim that IT can make babies, that is up to God, who cannot be put in a box or scrunched into a statistic. He has a plan for each of us, and that plan does not guarantee each couple, who pin their hopes and dreams on IVF, a precious child from that treatment. Of course He allows many beautiful children to come into the world through that avenue, but it will not be that way for everyone. It is the same concept that chemotherapy does not cure everyone's cancer. Science would like to say that the chances of recovery are good, but they are not guaranteed.
But because everyone thinks IVF is a sure science thing, that leads them to think that IVF is an easy option to elect. And some go so far as to say that if you choose NOT to try IVF, your cross of infertility is heavier than someone's who has tried IVF.
*shudders*
I challenge people who perpetuate these sub-myths to educate themselves before blurting out such nonsense, and maybe do a survey of IVF veterans. I guarantee them that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF (even if theirs worked) will say that it was easy. I guarantee that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF will say that the think their infertility journey would have been harder than if they hadn't tried IVF.
There is NOTHING easy about IVF. It is not easy to clear off enough space on your dining room table for the meds, syringes, sharp boxes, and alcohol pads you will go through during your cycle. It is not easy to explain to your boss why you have to randomly leave work at weird times every other day or come in late sometimes. It is not easy to schedule your activities on your injection times. It is not easy to schlep yourself to ultrasounds and bloodwork nearly every day to check on your progress, even if your progress is good. It is not easy to write a check for an amount that would nearly buy you a small car (because chances are your insurance won't cover IVF, even though it will cover plastic surgery) and hand it to someone who can't guarantee that your money will have anything to show for it (see above). It is not easy to cry on your husband's shoulder when you worry that all of the meds, appointments, sacrifices, and treatments will be for nothing. It is not easy when you wake up from egg retrieval and have to brace yourself for how many eggs the doctor found. It is not easy to be at home, wondering if any eggs have fertilized and longing for them to be healthy. It is not easy to see your RE's name pop up on the caller ID the next day and tell you how many embryos are growing (even if there are several). It is not easy to know that after your embryo has been transferred back within you that there is nothing else you can do to help this little one find a spot to snuggle in and continue to grow. It is not easy to know in your head that all your symptoms could be from the medications but want to believe in your heart that they are because the embryo has implanted. It is not easy to sleep the night before your beta. It is not easy to see some spotting and convince yourself that it is implantation, while you know it likely is not. And it is not easy to see that the nurse is calling to tell you the results of your beta blood test (especially, in my experience, when the result is negative).
Even if a person's first IVF is wildly successful and they give birth to a healthy baby (or more) 9 months later, I guarantee the rest of the planet that their journey was not easy. The emotional cost of IVF is just as much, if not more, than the dollar cost. They still worried and dealt with insecurity and anxiety and uncertainty. There is no way you can go through that process and come out on the other side (positive or negative) and look back and conclude that it was an easy time, as if it was like getting a haircut.
Because everyone who gets close enough to really learn about IVF knows that there is no guarantee that there will be a healthy baby at the end of the IVF road. And that in itself makes it an incredible difficult path to take.
Which leads me to my final sub-myth: that people who choose not to try IVF have a harder time shouldering infertility than those who do try it. Any way you slice it, infertility is a journey in the dark. We are all in the blackest of pits, clamoring for a handhold that we can grab to hoist ourselves into the light. The infertility pit is equal-opportunity. It does not distinguish those who are pursuing modern treatments from those who aren't. We are side by side, and we are all reaching up into the unknown, trying to find our way. It pains me to hear this sub-myth because all of us in the pit SHOULD be hoping that we all get out eventually, no matter which handhold we find. One person should not be pointing to the handhold they are eyeing and tell everyone else that that particular handhold is better than the ones everyone else is reaching for. God has placed a different and unique handhold for everyone, and none is better than another.
Because nothing on Earth can ever guarantee us a child. IVF does not always work, no matter what people think. IVF is not the easy way out, nor does it make the infertility journey any less thorny.
What does always work is believing that God has a plan and will redeem your infertility struggle. I am living proof of that truth!
Of course to find out more about infertility you can go here, and my thanks to RESOLVE for sponsoring this week dedicated to increasing exposure and education about infertility.
A Year Later (IF reflection)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A year ago, I had been taking lupron for a couple weeks, and was about to start follistim. I was embarking on our first shot at IVF, in which my response would be awful and we would decide to cancel the cycle.
Cancelled IVF cycles are not the norm, as far as I can tell, especially when so many women have resounding success on the very first try.
And yet, I can't believe how happy I sounded in the post about our cancelled cycle. I read it today and think, how could I have possibly used all those exclamation points on a day where our dreams had been shattered?
We would go on to try a new IVF protocol the very next cycle, this time to make it to retrieval and transfer, but our embryo would not stay with us.
I am not sure if any of you remember, but our due date for our second IVF cycle was January 25, 2011.
On January 30, 2011, we saw evidence that a new little baby had taken up residence within me.
It is hard to say that "if our first embie had made it, we wouldn't have this baby", but that is the truth. We will always cherish our embie from last May, but for some unknown reason, he was only here with us for a few days. The baby who has been with me for 12 weeks now is a totally different, precious person who has his/her own special purpose on this Earth. I am so grateful for both these children, and even more grateful for the ways that losing our first embie prepared us and changed us for the journey to the one who is here today.
So, almost a year after our first IVF was cancelled, I have a better appreciation for how God was preparing me for the pregnancy journey I am on today. I may have not understood at the time why our IVF journey was so rocky and unsuccessful, but God's ways are not our ways. He used all the heartache to prepare my body and my heart for the joy that was to come.
It is so easy to begin to see this in retrospect, and of course I wonder why it wouldn't just be easier for Him to reassure us at the point in time when our heart is shattered. You know "It is okay, child, I have already planned for you to conceive a healthy baby in 9 months, a baby that wouldn't be possible if either of your IVF's had worked." ...or something. But what would we lose on our spiritual journey if we didn't have to learn to trust God's Word that He works all things for good if we let Him, and that He will never abandon us?
I pray for God's continued blessing of health for the baby I carry today, and for all my friends who are praying for their child and wondering what to make of the latest heartache. Be assured friends, God is preparing you for your little one.
Cancelled IVF cycles are not the norm, as far as I can tell, especially when so many women have resounding success on the very first try.
And yet, I can't believe how happy I sounded in the post about our cancelled cycle. I read it today and think, how could I have possibly used all those exclamation points on a day where our dreams had been shattered?
We would go on to try a new IVF protocol the very next cycle, this time to make it to retrieval and transfer, but our embryo would not stay with us.
I am not sure if any of you remember, but our due date for our second IVF cycle was January 25, 2011.
On January 30, 2011, we saw evidence that a new little baby had taken up residence within me.
It is hard to say that "if our first embie had made it, we wouldn't have this baby", but that is the truth. We will always cherish our embie from last May, but for some unknown reason, he was only here with us for a few days. The baby who has been with me for 12 weeks now is a totally different, precious person who has his/her own special purpose on this Earth. I am so grateful for both these children, and even more grateful for the ways that losing our first embie prepared us and changed us for the journey to the one who is here today.
So, almost a year after our first IVF was cancelled, I have a better appreciation for how God was preparing me for the pregnancy journey I am on today. I may have not understood at the time why our IVF journey was so rocky and unsuccessful, but God's ways are not our ways. He used all the heartache to prepare my body and my heart for the joy that was to come.
It is so easy to begin to see this in retrospect, and of course I wonder why it wouldn't just be easier for Him to reassure us at the point in time when our heart is shattered. You know "It is okay, child, I have already planned for you to conceive a healthy baby in 9 months, a baby that wouldn't be possible if either of your IVF's had worked." ...or something. But what would we lose on our spiritual journey if we didn't have to learn to trust God's Word that He works all things for good if we let Him, and that He will never abandon us?
I pray for God's continued blessing of health for the baby I carry today, and for all my friends who are praying for their child and wondering what to make of the latest heartache. Be assured friends, God is preparing you for your little one.
Yup
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thanks for all your encouraging comments on my post yesterday! It is good to know that we weren't off base being floored by the quoted homestudy cost.
Because of all your helpful suggestions, I did email the agency and ask if we had to use their satellite office here to do the homestudy. They said if we want to be a part of their program, then yes indeedy, we have to use them. (And I did listen to the fateful message from Monday afternoon, and unless I am again hallucinating, she says very clearly that the cost is $5k. Crazy!) If we want to just sign up with their most preferred clinic (in TN), then the homestudy can be with whomever we want.
Well, if we are just going to sign up with a clinic, we'll sign up with the one 45 minutes from here, not 5 hours from here, thankyouverymuch. Not to mention, our clinic doesn't require a homestudy at all.
And last night, while chowing down on homemade enchiladas from this cookbook, we talked about other stuff, like if we have enough wood left for the rest of the winter (crap, we don't think so) and how the dogs were good pups yesterday (no one tried to eat anything contraband) and how we think it is funny that our financial advisor's annual meeting is at the Golden Corral (HA!!!) and what is going on with our jobs.
But I think here is my suggestion to us: I will go and get established at the clinic close to here and put our names up for any embies that become donated. (My RE and this clinic share the same lab, so they already have access to my file, so I'm hoping the "establishment" will be fairly seamless.) In the meantime, we will begin saving for a potentially big family-expanding bill. If there are embryos that come up for donation, we can decide whether or not to adopt them at that point. If it comes to the time where we have enough saved for the shared risk IVF, then we will go with that. Of course, we will still enter into IVF with the utmost respect for any life that God decides to create during the cycle.
I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time ;-)
Yoga this morning and acupuncture this afternoon- should be a good day!
Because of all your helpful suggestions, I did email the agency and ask if we had to use their satellite office here to do the homestudy. They said if we want to be a part of their program, then yes indeedy, we have to use them. (And I did listen to the fateful message from Monday afternoon, and unless I am again hallucinating, she says very clearly that the cost is $5k. Crazy!) If we want to just sign up with their most preferred clinic (in TN), then the homestudy can be with whomever we want.
Well, if we are just going to sign up with a clinic, we'll sign up with the one 45 minutes from here, not 5 hours from here, thankyouverymuch. Not to mention, our clinic doesn't require a homestudy at all.
And last night, while chowing down on homemade enchiladas from this cookbook, we talked about other stuff, like if we have enough wood left for the rest of the winter (crap, we don't think so) and how the dogs were good pups yesterday (no one tried to eat anything contraband) and how we think it is funny that our financial advisor's annual meeting is at the Golden Corral (HA!!!) and what is going on with our jobs.
But I think here is my suggestion to us: I will go and get established at the clinic close to here and put our names up for any embies that become donated. (My RE and this clinic share the same lab, so they already have access to my file, so I'm hoping the "establishment" will be fairly seamless.) In the meantime, we will begin saving for a potentially big family-expanding bill. If there are embryos that come up for donation, we can decide whether or not to adopt them at that point. If it comes to the time where we have enough saved for the shared risk IVF, then we will go with that. Of course, we will still enter into IVF with the utmost respect for any life that God decides to create during the cycle.
I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time ;-)
Yoga this morning and acupuncture this afternoon- should be a good day!
All turned around
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Just when I thought we were seriously going in one direction, we are all turned around again.
We wanted to do embryo donation / adoption through a well-known well-reviewed national agency. However, they charge $4k to be in their program, and that doesn't include any costs associated with the actual transfer (medical or medicines), or any charges that the donor couple would like reimbursed. They also require a homestudy. Maybe I am naive (and to be sure, I had never inquired as to the cost), but I though the homestudy would be maybe $1500.
So, without the homestudy, we are up to at least $8500, not including meds or reimbursment costs.
Enter the homestudy cost. Take a guess what it is.
FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Okay, maybe you aren't surprised, but it knocked the wind out of us. We had already scheduled an appt for Mr. A at a family practice to get his medical approval form filled out, and I had called my RE to get our infectious disease testing results sent to me. After we had already watched the preliminary info materials for this agency, all of a sudden, this embryo adoption is going to cost us around $15k.
We were upset. We felt gilted, nickeled-and-dimed. They should be more upfront with even average homestudy costs. And all of a sudden, we were throwing ideas around such as "why dont we just save an extra $5k and do the IVF three tries money back program ($20k)?"
Which of course, is something I never ever ever thought we'd ever do, and especially not this year. Not because I'm opposed to the money back program (I think it's great, actually, and if we decide to go that route, I pray I am accepted!), but because like I've said before, in a crazy way, I had really looked to 2011 as a med-free intervention-free infertility-accepting year.
I am still interested in embie adoption, but with the success rates of FET's around 30%, and the success rates of fresh cycles around 50%, Mr. A (mister logical) feels like it would be a smarter use of whatever we save for this to just do another fresh cycle, if an embryo donation / adoption is going to cost us nearly twice of what a single fresh cycle would be.
I know you don't have to use an agency with embryo donation / adoption. We have not taken it off the table. But it is so disappointing to be here after feeling like it was the direction to go just a few days ago.
Maybe some people would tell me to not worry about the cost, but we can't deny that part of us. It is just who we are to be careful about our finances and not overextend ourselves if we don't have the money available. I was thinking we could save enough by the end of this year to really (actively) pursue embryo adoption, but now I don't think we can, and if we are going to have to save up $15k, I sort of agree with Mr. A about just saving some more and trying to get into the money back program and try to have a biological child.
I think another part of why I'm still interested in embryo adoption is that it feels safer for me. I know my lining has always been good. But it's the stimming that perhaps I'm not so good at, and if we try IVF again, I'm afraid of failing. I know we would get our money back, but I just don't know if I'm ready to set myself up for that again. Of course this is all moot, because we don't have the money saved up yet (unless we pull from our savings, which I doubt is going to happen). And I know that embryo donation / adoption is not without its pressures, either....
So anyway, here we are, with our vision of how to expand our family as clear as mud. I wish that we were one of those couples who had this clear shift from trying to conceive on their own to whatever path that was going to expand their family, but it's not looking like that is what we have. (Who am I kidding? I wish we were one of those couples who got pregnant on their own!!!) Oh well.
For now, we haven't really talked about it in a couple nights. I think we are both bummed, and I think we both are back to square one- not honestly interested in starting anything else right now and just trying to enjoy each other. Maybe someday we will get a clear kick in the pants!!
We wanted to do embryo donation / adoption through a well-known well-reviewed national agency. However, they charge $4k to be in their program, and that doesn't include any costs associated with the actual transfer (medical or medicines), or any charges that the donor couple would like reimbursed. They also require a homestudy. Maybe I am naive (and to be sure, I had never inquired as to the cost), but I though the homestudy would be maybe $1500.
So, without the homestudy, we are up to at least $8500, not including meds or reimbursment costs.
Enter the homestudy cost. Take a guess what it is.
FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Okay, maybe you aren't surprised, but it knocked the wind out of us. We had already scheduled an appt for Mr. A at a family practice to get his medical approval form filled out, and I had called my RE to get our infectious disease testing results sent to me. After we had already watched the preliminary info materials for this agency, all of a sudden, this embryo adoption is going to cost us around $15k.
We were upset. We felt gilted, nickeled-and-dimed. They should be more upfront with even average homestudy costs. And all of a sudden, we were throwing ideas around such as "why dont we just save an extra $5k and do the IVF three tries money back program ($20k)?"
Which of course, is something I never ever ever thought we'd ever do, and especially not this year. Not because I'm opposed to the money back program (I think it's great, actually, and if we decide to go that route, I pray I am accepted!), but because like I've said before, in a crazy way, I had really looked to 2011 as a med-free intervention-free infertility-accepting year.
I am still interested in embie adoption, but with the success rates of FET's around 30%, and the success rates of fresh cycles around 50%, Mr. A (mister logical) feels like it would be a smarter use of whatever we save for this to just do another fresh cycle, if an embryo donation / adoption is going to cost us nearly twice of what a single fresh cycle would be.
I know you don't have to use an agency with embryo donation / adoption. We have not taken it off the table. But it is so disappointing to be here after feeling like it was the direction to go just a few days ago.
Maybe some people would tell me to not worry about the cost, but we can't deny that part of us. It is just who we are to be careful about our finances and not overextend ourselves if we don't have the money available. I was thinking we could save enough by the end of this year to really (actively) pursue embryo adoption, but now I don't think we can, and if we are going to have to save up $15k, I sort of agree with Mr. A about just saving some more and trying to get into the money back program and try to have a biological child.
I think another part of why I'm still interested in embryo adoption is that it feels safer for me. I know my lining has always been good. But it's the stimming that perhaps I'm not so good at, and if we try IVF again, I'm afraid of failing. I know we would get our money back, but I just don't know if I'm ready to set myself up for that again. Of course this is all moot, because we don't have the money saved up yet (unless we pull from our savings, which I doubt is going to happen). And I know that embryo donation / adoption is not without its pressures, either....
So anyway, here we are, with our vision of how to expand our family as clear as mud. I wish that we were one of those couples who had this clear shift from trying to conceive on their own to whatever path that was going to expand their family, but it's not looking like that is what we have. (Who am I kidding? I wish we were one of those couples who got pregnant on their own!!!) Oh well.
For now, we haven't really talked about it in a couple nights. I think we are both bummed, and I think we both are back to square one- not honestly interested in starting anything else right now and just trying to enjoy each other. Maybe someday we will get a clear kick in the pants!!
Insult to Injury
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
We are thoroughly enjoying our break from modern medicine. But the other day when I got a letter from my insurance company about my past prescriptions, I was sick to my stomach.
Essentially, starting in January, all fertility meds will require prior approval "for females under 50". (Should I just wait until I am 50 to try IVF again? Hahaha) Even clomid and progesterone! But the list includes all the big guns, too, like follistim, ganirelix, PIO, novarel, etc. AND, supposedly approval will be given unless the drugs are taken in conjunction with ART. Okay, who is going to be taking ganirelix in a normal cycle?!
I always considered myself very lucky to have had these meds covered for relative pennies compared to what they cost, so I probably have nothing to complain about, but I just think it is awful of the insurance companies. You (insurance) don't even pretend to cover IVF or IUI, and now you can't even throw us a bone and cover the meds?!?! Is this what happens when the government runs healthcare- every living thing has coverage, but that's because the poor helpless infertility patients are getting even more of the short end of the stick than ever?!?! Way to go, keep on covering people with 8 kids and no job, but make sure you give a big "screw you" to people who work 3 jobs to try to finance a shot at having ONE child.
I feel very thankful that we had coverage when we did, and that we went through all of the medical interventions when we did. I feel validated that what we are doing now (au naturale) is what we're supposed to be doing, given this change of situation. But it is totally kicking infertility patients while they are down. We are not even considering any other meds for the forseeable future, but this hurts almost as much as if we were in the thick of things. Don't infertile people have enough heartache?!
Essentially, starting in January, all fertility meds will require prior approval "for females under 50". (Should I just wait until I am 50 to try IVF again? Hahaha) Even clomid and progesterone! But the list includes all the big guns, too, like follistim, ganirelix, PIO, novarel, etc. AND, supposedly approval will be given unless the drugs are taken in conjunction with ART. Okay, who is going to be taking ganirelix in a normal cycle?!
I always considered myself very lucky to have had these meds covered for relative pennies compared to what they cost, so I probably have nothing to complain about, but I just think it is awful of the insurance companies. You (insurance) don't even pretend to cover IVF or IUI, and now you can't even throw us a bone and cover the meds?!?! Is this what happens when the government runs healthcare- every living thing has coverage, but that's because the poor helpless infertility patients are getting even more of the short end of the stick than ever?!?! Way to go, keep on covering people with 8 kids and no job, but make sure you give a big "screw you" to people who work 3 jobs to try to finance a shot at having ONE child.
I feel very thankful that we had coverage when we did, and that we went through all of the medical interventions when we did. I feel validated that what we are doing now (au naturale) is what we're supposed to be doing, given this change of situation. But it is totally kicking infertility patients while they are down. We are not even considering any other meds for the forseeable future, but this hurts almost as much as if we were in the thick of things. Don't infertile people have enough heartache?!
Detached from IF?
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Lately I've been feeling somewhat detached from IF, in good ways and bad.
I used to love taking people off my praying for a baby list and adding them to my baby bump/parent list, because I would be moving on like them someday, too. But lately I look at all those blessed women and just sigh with heavy apathy that we have nothing in common. Like I can't even identify with what they post about now. And maybe it's my fault because I haven't been a commenting wizard on their posts, but it feels like they don't have anything in common anymore with me, either.
In some ways, I count this (that I don't feel the need to vicariously live through moms and incessantly dream of when I will be in their shoes- that I have accepted that that is not my life) as a good thing because to me it indicates that pregnancy/motherhood is not occupying my life anymore. My life is full with a great husband, awesome dogs, wonderful sisters and brother, and many other blessings.
But in alot of other ways, I count it is a bad/sad thing. Because it means that I still have not gotten it through my thick head (raise your hand if your mom used that phrase when you were a teenager!) to truly get over what I don't have and embrace feet-first the joys that everyone else is experiencing. I mean, if I could do this, I wouldn't feel so left out by people who have babies anymore than I feel left out by people who have black Range R.overs (my dream car). Because, let's face it, it feels like we are just as likely to become pregnant with a healthy baby as to have a Ran.ge Rover dropped in front of our house. And it's not like I would slink away to 4 aisles over in Ta.rget if I saw a Rang.e Rover owner....
We're of course still "trying"- peak reading today, in fact- and now that my grandpa is in heaven everyone and their mother tell me stories that they got pregnant after their relative passed away. But that seems too good to be true, doesn't it?
Because even though we're trying on our own, the other way I feel detached is from all my IVF buddies who have gone on to several more IVF's, while we sit at one failure. Truthfully, it's not like we would try another IVF right now- we don't have the money, and I'm not sure we want to devote the energy/emotion to all the monitoring, etc. But all things relative, they are moving forward, too, and I'm not. Just like the moms.
But just like I mentioned above, I have this weird sense of apathy to being left behind in that way, too. Like, I'm interested in what they're going through but it seems so foreign and far away and apart from my reality that I can't really even muster an emotion about it. Well, technically, when I think of all the time and energy and GAS that I spent going 80 miles round trip every other day to the RE the better part of last year, I am pretty shocked. That's an emotion, right?
I don't think I'll ever detach completely. I still pray for all my bloggy buddies in their disappointments, heartache, and celebrations. I will still take clomid and use my monitor and take progesterone after ovulation, but when I go see my obgyn in mid-October and he suggests an IUI, I can guarantee you that we'll decline, because {dare I say it} I don't know if we care that much to go through all that again at this point. Which is saying aLOT because of course having a baby is practically the only thing that's missing in our lives (except, also, a black Ran.ge Rover), so obviously we care alot about it!
I hope I didn't offend anyone by spilling my guts to you about how I have a hard time identifying lately. It's a very weird place to be- of course I wish I wasn't on the bench without a child, but for all practical purposes, my bench is a pretty happy place to be, and I don't really think I'll be moving for a while.
I don't know how many of you will identify with my not indentifying....
I used to love taking people off my praying for a baby list and adding them to my baby bump/parent list, because I would be moving on like them someday, too. But lately I look at all those blessed women and just sigh with heavy apathy that we have nothing in common. Like I can't even identify with what they post about now. And maybe it's my fault because I haven't been a commenting wizard on their posts, but it feels like they don't have anything in common anymore with me, either.
In some ways, I count this (that I don't feel the need to vicariously live through moms and incessantly dream of when I will be in their shoes- that I have accepted that that is not my life) as a good thing because to me it indicates that pregnancy/motherhood is not occupying my life anymore. My life is full with a great husband, awesome dogs, wonderful sisters and brother, and many other blessings.
But in alot of other ways, I count it is a bad/sad thing. Because it means that I still have not gotten it through my thick head (raise your hand if your mom used that phrase when you were a teenager!) to truly get over what I don't have and embrace feet-first the joys that everyone else is experiencing. I mean, if I could do this, I wouldn't feel so left out by people who have babies anymore than I feel left out by people who have black Range R.overs (my dream car). Because, let's face it, it feels like we are just as likely to become pregnant with a healthy baby as to have a Ran.ge Rover dropped in front of our house. And it's not like I would slink away to 4 aisles over in Ta.rget if I saw a Rang.e Rover owner....
We're of course still "trying"- peak reading today, in fact- and now that my grandpa is in heaven everyone and their mother tell me stories that they got pregnant after their relative passed away. But that seems too good to be true, doesn't it?
Because even though we're trying on our own, the other way I feel detached is from all my IVF buddies who have gone on to several more IVF's, while we sit at one failure. Truthfully, it's not like we would try another IVF right now- we don't have the money, and I'm not sure we want to devote the energy/emotion to all the monitoring, etc. But all things relative, they are moving forward, too, and I'm not. Just like the moms.
But just like I mentioned above, I have this weird sense of apathy to being left behind in that way, too. Like, I'm interested in what they're going through but it seems so foreign and far away and apart from my reality that I can't really even muster an emotion about it. Well, technically, when I think of all the time and energy and GAS that I spent going 80 miles round trip every other day to the RE the better part of last year, I am pretty shocked. That's an emotion, right?
I don't think I'll ever detach completely. I still pray for all my bloggy buddies in their disappointments, heartache, and celebrations. I will still take clomid and use my monitor and take progesterone after ovulation, but when I go see my obgyn in mid-October and he suggests an IUI, I can guarantee you that we'll decline, because {dare I say it} I don't know if we care that much to go through all that again at this point. Which is saying aLOT because of course having a baby is practically the only thing that's missing in our lives (except, also, a black Ran.ge Rover), so obviously we care alot about it!
I hope I didn't offend anyone by spilling my guts to you about how I have a hard time identifying lately. It's a very weird place to be- of course I wish I wasn't on the bench without a child, but for all practical purposes, my bench is a pretty happy place to be, and I don't really think I'll be moving for a while.
I don't know how many of you will identify with my not indentifying....
Growth Spurt
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.
We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.
But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.
I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.
So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.
But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.
Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.
And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).
Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.
A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.
I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.
So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!
Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!
(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)
We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.
But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.
I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.
So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.
But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.
Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.
And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).
Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.
A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.
I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.
So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!
Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!
(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)
Back from our trip
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Banana and I are back! We are so glad to be home and with Mr. A again. I'm so thankful that home is a place I long to be, because I know for many people, that's not the case.
We had a nice time with my sister and extended family (our trip was to go meet up with everyone). Here are some pics:
My grandpa, unfortunately, is steadily declining, and it's just hard to hear that he's in pain. He tries to avoid taking his painki.llers because sometimes they make him feel woozy, but then if he takes them too late, his pain is unmanageable. So, he's resigning himself to taking them on a more regular schedule. Like I said, it's difficult to hear that he's hurting. I just pray that God will protect him from any bizzare pain that can't be controlled. My dad thinks he might not be with us more than another couple of months. Please pray for our family, as I think this next year will hold alot of changes for us!
It was nice to hang out with my cousins and aunts and uncles, though. Now that we're all grown-up's, it's kind of neat to see how we all relate and interact with each other. We're lucky in that we all have a pretty rockin' time together!
I also got to talk with our family friends who, along with their extended families, go on vacation in the same place the same week every year as my family. Their son is my age, and he and I were definitely summer sweethearts because of our families' vacation schedules! We didn't go to the same college, but we definitely kept in touch and during our senior year, there was talk about us trying to date after college. He felt it would be too difficult because he was going to law school a little ways away from where I was moving, and although I was admittedly disappointed at the time, there wasn't much I could do. However, he ended up meeting and marrying a girl who forbids him to have any contact with his family. Like, any. Like, not even his parents were invited to their wedding (I think it was 5-6 years ago.). Yah. As awesome as his parents are (I guess they had their reservations about this girl, and that was her way of dealing with it), I cannot believe that he chose her over them. Cannot believe it. I haven't been on vacation with my family for 6 years, but his parents and I got to talk several times while I was there last week and we even exchanged emails so we could keep in touch. It just breaks my heart of what they've been through, basically losing their son. Their whole family does not even talk about him in any way- my brother asked them how he was doing, and his cousin cut my brother off the minute he mentioned his name. I really hope we can start to email back and forth because they are such fun, amazing people!
And after a great time with everyone, Banana and I had a really smooth drive home yesterday. I am lucky she is such a good car-rider! We are so glad to be back :) Mr. A surprised me and ordered us a new kitchen table set while we were gone! He's going to pick it up soon, and I can't wait! The kitchen table we have now is seriously old- my mentor at work gave it to me 8 years ago after she and her family replaced it in their house! It has kind of retro rolly-chairs and the upholstery (and one of the whole chairs) is in need of repair/replacement. The new set Mr. A ordered is Amis.h-built, and it is beautiful solid wood. So in love with him that he can pick out furniture I like, without me! Ha!!
I had no cell service at the campsite, but I've tried to read and catch up with you guys in the last couple days. Will return to commenting soon! I've been praying for everyone, though. My prayer list is portable and not dependent on cell service!
One thing that I did want to mention is that I've read some blogs lately that characterize IVF as the easy way out. It just burns my heart to read that. While I think it's simple for someone who hasn't been through it to say that IVF is easy, I'd love to hear from someone who did IVF and considered it easy in any way. We made God-honoring decisions during our IVF journey, and it was anything but easy. It was probably one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I think that from the outside, it seems easy (the successes, that is- it is also easy to forget that God doesn't always choose to bless a couple with a child that way). But I caution people who haven't been through it against labelling those who prayerfully choose IVF as taking the easy way out. God remains the sole Creator of life no matter how you slice it.
I hope everyone has a fun long weekend! Banana is scared of the fireworks, so we will probably spend the next few evenings trying to keep her from hypeventilating. We're considering getting one of these shirts- have you ever used/heard of them?
God bless the USA :)
We had a nice time with my sister and extended family (our trip was to go meet up with everyone). Here are some pics:
My grandpa, unfortunately, is steadily declining, and it's just hard to hear that he's in pain. He tries to avoid taking his painki.llers because sometimes they make him feel woozy, but then if he takes them too late, his pain is unmanageable. So, he's resigning himself to taking them on a more regular schedule. Like I said, it's difficult to hear that he's hurting. I just pray that God will protect him from any bizzare pain that can't be controlled. My dad thinks he might not be with us more than another couple of months. Please pray for our family, as I think this next year will hold alot of changes for us!
It was nice to hang out with my cousins and aunts and uncles, though. Now that we're all grown-up's, it's kind of neat to see how we all relate and interact with each other. We're lucky in that we all have a pretty rockin' time together!
I also got to talk with our family friends who, along with their extended families, go on vacation in the same place the same week every year as my family. Their son is my age, and he and I were definitely summer sweethearts because of our families' vacation schedules! We didn't go to the same college, but we definitely kept in touch and during our senior year, there was talk about us trying to date after college. He felt it would be too difficult because he was going to law school a little ways away from where I was moving, and although I was admittedly disappointed at the time, there wasn't much I could do. However, he ended up meeting and marrying a girl who forbids him to have any contact with his family. Like, any. Like, not even his parents were invited to their wedding (I think it was 5-6 years ago.). Yah. As awesome as his parents are (I guess they had their reservations about this girl, and that was her way of dealing with it), I cannot believe that he chose her over them. Cannot believe it. I haven't been on vacation with my family for 6 years, but his parents and I got to talk several times while I was there last week and we even exchanged emails so we could keep in touch. It just breaks my heart of what they've been through, basically losing their son. Their whole family does not even talk about him in any way- my brother asked them how he was doing, and his cousin cut my brother off the minute he mentioned his name. I really hope we can start to email back and forth because they are such fun, amazing people!
And after a great time with everyone, Banana and I had a really smooth drive home yesterday. I am lucky she is such a good car-rider! We are so glad to be back :) Mr. A surprised me and ordered us a new kitchen table set while we were gone! He's going to pick it up soon, and I can't wait! The kitchen table we have now is seriously old- my mentor at work gave it to me 8 years ago after she and her family replaced it in their house! It has kind of retro rolly-chairs and the upholstery (and one of the whole chairs) is in need of repair/replacement. The new set Mr. A ordered is Amis.h-built, and it is beautiful solid wood. So in love with him that he can pick out furniture I like, without me! Ha!!
I had no cell service at the campsite, but I've tried to read and catch up with you guys in the last couple days. Will return to commenting soon! I've been praying for everyone, though. My prayer list is portable and not dependent on cell service!
One thing that I did want to mention is that I've read some blogs lately that characterize IVF as the easy way out. It just burns my heart to read that. While I think it's simple for someone who hasn't been through it to say that IVF is easy, I'd love to hear from someone who did IVF and considered it easy in any way. We made God-honoring decisions during our IVF journey, and it was anything but easy. It was probably one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I think that from the outside, it seems easy (the successes, that is- it is also easy to forget that God doesn't always choose to bless a couple with a child that way). But I caution people who haven't been through it against labelling those who prayerfully choose IVF as taking the easy way out. God remains the sole Creator of life no matter how you slice it.
I hope everyone has a fun long weekend! Banana is scared of the fireworks, so we will probably spend the next few evenings trying to keep her from hypeventilating. We're considering getting one of these shirts- have you ever used/heard of them?
God bless the USA :)
Frustration (cont'd)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Even before you wise friends encouraged the clinic switch, I was so bugged out by my clinic's nurse, I called the other place. I had contemplated getting a second opinion before our IVF cycle, even had all my records faxed over there, but I had cancelled the appointment at the last minute when my RE suggested the other protocol. But I am sick of my RE's nurse.
So, I call over to the other place. Good news, they still have my records. At this point, I can't even believe I'm asking for another RE appointment, because it has just been awesome without that stress and worry. And I even think I do a pretty darn good job of not letting the stress and worry take over my life, but now that it's gone, I realize how it crept in here and there.
So they ask if I'm still with my insurance, and then I make sure they plan on just filing the appointments with the insurance first. She puts me on hold to check. (I did not consider this a good sign.)
Then another lady comes on the phone and tells me that since I've already been treated at my current clinic, my insurance considers everything thereafter "treatment", and they will pay nothing.
Um. Excuse me?
I told her that I'm not coming to them for treatment, per se, just a second look at my file and to ask for more testing, which I know is listed as covered on my policy. I'm interested in seeing if they think more detailed thyroid testing is in order or maybe those fancy mutation tests. TESTS, get it??
She said since it is a second opinion and my first appointment there, they will try (TRY?) to code the appointment as testing. Brace yourself, because I asked how much the appointment would be if the insurance didn't pay anything, and it would be THREE TO EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Okay, here are my reflections:
1. No wonder people with zero insurance coverage have $100k in infertility debt. God bless them!
2. I am beginning to wonder if my current clinic coded all my ultrasounds (pre-ART and during-ART) as testing. Because they definitely covered the majority of the cost of all the ultrasounds. And bloodwork. If this is the case, and I technically could have been paying $400 a pop for each ultrasound during the entirety of this past year, maybe I should stay with my current place out of homage for all the money they saved us.
3. But, I have serious issues with any clinic coding ultrasounds as treatment. If only!!! If only all we needed was an ultrasound to treat our childlessness. It's not the ultrasound that's the treatment, people! It's the procedures! Which, yes, I know, my insurance doesn't cover.
If there is any possibility that we will have to pay $800 for a stinkin second opinion, I just cannot justify that right now. I haven't even told Mr. A that I made the appointment because I want to call the second clinic back and be sure about their billing procedures before even I decide to even keep the appointment, much less tell him I'm willingly subjecting myself to this circus again. (Even the relatively low-rent clomid circus!) He is so protective of me- he knows how much pressure I put on myself when we were in the throws of it all, and I think he just wants me to kick back for a while. God love him :)
Can you believe that? Two phone calls that my heart passionately willed me not to put myself through, and both of them were nightmares. I almost wonder if because of how they played out, if God really does want us to just be chill for a while, just because I felt so attacked during both of them.
As you may imagine, I haven't given either of the calls much further thought. We are doing a ton of pool entertaining lately that just makes my heart soar. It is so fun to have people over and especially see their kids enjoy our pool. Yesterday, the friends who came over even brought their pup so Banana had someone to hang out with! The weather has been so beautiful that it's all I can do to keep myself inside the bulk of the day working, which is why I love the weekday afternoon vacation-time get togethers! (Yes, I have tried to "work" by the pool, and it's pretty much impossible!!) I am so thankful for the blessings that crowd around us. They definitely encourage me that the best is yet to come!!
So, I call over to the other place. Good news, they still have my records. At this point, I can't even believe I'm asking for another RE appointment, because it has just been awesome without that stress and worry. And I even think I do a pretty darn good job of not letting the stress and worry take over my life, but now that it's gone, I realize how it crept in here and there.
So they ask if I'm still with my insurance, and then I make sure they plan on just filing the appointments with the insurance first. She puts me on hold to check. (I did not consider this a good sign.)
Then another lady comes on the phone and tells me that since I've already been treated at my current clinic, my insurance considers everything thereafter "treatment", and they will pay nothing.
Um. Excuse me?
I told her that I'm not coming to them for treatment, per se, just a second look at my file and to ask for more testing, which I know is listed as covered on my policy. I'm interested in seeing if they think more detailed thyroid testing is in order or maybe those fancy mutation tests. TESTS, get it??
She said since it is a second opinion and my first appointment there, they will try (TRY?) to code the appointment as testing. Brace yourself, because I asked how much the appointment would be if the insurance didn't pay anything, and it would be THREE TO EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Okay, here are my reflections:
1. No wonder people with zero insurance coverage have $100k in infertility debt. God bless them!
2. I am beginning to wonder if my current clinic coded all my ultrasounds (pre-ART and during-ART) as testing. Because they definitely covered the majority of the cost of all the ultrasounds. And bloodwork. If this is the case, and I technically could have been paying $400 a pop for each ultrasound during the entirety of this past year, maybe I should stay with my current place out of homage for all the money they saved us.
3. But, I have serious issues with any clinic coding ultrasounds as treatment. If only!!! If only all we needed was an ultrasound to treat our childlessness. It's not the ultrasound that's the treatment, people! It's the procedures! Which, yes, I know, my insurance doesn't cover.
If there is any possibility that we will have to pay $800 for a stinkin second opinion, I just cannot justify that right now. I haven't even told Mr. A that I made the appointment because I want to call the second clinic back and be sure about their billing procedures before even I decide to even keep the appointment, much less tell him I'm willingly subjecting myself to this circus again. (Even the relatively low-rent clomid circus!) He is so protective of me- he knows how much pressure I put on myself when we were in the throws of it all, and I think he just wants me to kick back for a while. God love him :)
Can you believe that? Two phone calls that my heart passionately willed me not to put myself through, and both of them were nightmares. I almost wonder if because of how they played out, if God really does want us to just be chill for a while, just because I felt so attacked during both of them.
As you may imagine, I haven't given either of the calls much further thought. We are doing a ton of pool entertaining lately that just makes my heart soar. It is so fun to have people over and especially see their kids enjoy our pool. Yesterday, the friends who came over even brought their pup so Banana had someone to hang out with! The weather has been so beautiful that it's all I can do to keep myself inside the bulk of the day working, which is why I love the weekday afternoon vacation-time get togethers! (Yes, I have tried to "work" by the pool, and it's pretty much impossible!!) I am so thankful for the blessings that crowd around us. They definitely encourage me that the best is yet to come!!
Monday, Monday
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thanks to whoever submitted "me" to LFCA! And welcome anyone who is here from there :)
We are continuing to do pretty well considering the news we received Thursday. Of course there have been some more difficult moments that I will write about soon, but I have a deadline at work today, so I don't really have the time right now.
We're going to take this month (CD3 today) completely off. Then we'll see about what (if anything) we want to do in any upcoming cycles (progesterone? clomid? nothing?). I don't really want to talk to my RE (just because- and I know I shouldn't- but I just feel like an idiot for this not working), but I probably should. Maybe I can get a phone consult with him so I don't have to go sit in the exam room with him and a disinterested intern while he explains why he thinks it didn't work (he never does consults in his office).
I am trying not to assure myself that we'll get pregnant on our "break". That is the ultimate tragic set-up, isn't it? But of course that is what Mr. A thinks will happen, and especially with my grandfather's situation, I have had more than several people tell me anecdotal stories about people getting pregnant while someone close to them is passing away. And maybe deep in my heart that is what I think will happen, too, but it is so unbelievable at the same time. But God's ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).
We are glad to have this breath of fresh air. I was remarking last night that May has absolutely flown by because of the ivf timeline. I honestly can't believe it is already the 24th. It is refreshing to not have to worry about when is the next shot or next ultrasound. With the exception of two cycles, I have been on follistim since October. We are tired. We are thankful for the chance to just kick back for a while and enjoy a beer (or two) with our fried chicken (which, by the way, how the heck do you get the coating to stay ON the chicken while frying? I dipped in flour, then buttermilk, then flour- and then we used our deep fryer....).
Okay, I really have to get to work. Thank you again for your prayers for us. I love how lengthy my prayer list has become, as I've gotten to know more of you in this community. It is such an honor and a support to pray for each other!!
We are continuing to do pretty well considering the news we received Thursday. Of course there have been some more difficult moments that I will write about soon, but I have a deadline at work today, so I don't really have the time right now.
We're going to take this month (CD3 today) completely off. Then we'll see about what (if anything) we want to do in any upcoming cycles (progesterone? clomid? nothing?). I don't really want to talk to my RE (just because- and I know I shouldn't- but I just feel like an idiot for this not working), but I probably should. Maybe I can get a phone consult with him so I don't have to go sit in the exam room with him and a disinterested intern while he explains why he thinks it didn't work (he never does consults in his office).
I am trying not to assure myself that we'll get pregnant on our "break". That is the ultimate tragic set-up, isn't it? But of course that is what Mr. A thinks will happen, and especially with my grandfather's situation, I have had more than several people tell me anecdotal stories about people getting pregnant while someone close to them is passing away. And maybe deep in my heart that is what I think will happen, too, but it is so unbelievable at the same time. But God's ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).
We are glad to have this breath of fresh air. I was remarking last night that May has absolutely flown by because of the ivf timeline. I honestly can't believe it is already the 24th. It is refreshing to not have to worry about when is the next shot or next ultrasound. With the exception of two cycles, I have been on follistim since October. We are tired. We are thankful for the chance to just kick back for a while and enjoy a beer (or two) with our fried chicken (which, by the way, how the heck do you get the coating to stay ON the chicken while frying? I dipped in flour, then buttermilk, then flour- and then we used our deep fryer....).
Okay, I really have to get to work. Thank you again for your prayers for us. I love how lengthy my prayer list has become, as I've gotten to know more of you in this community. It is such an honor and a support to pray for each other!!
Why Husbands are Great
Friday, May 21, 2010
Gosh, thank you all for your prayers and hugs. I could never have asked for a more supportive group of friends. You are invaluable!! I so wish we could all meet up!!
Of course we are beyond disappointed our little embie did not stay with us here. Of course we will always remember him/her and can't wait to meet him/her in heaven. Of course I have cried on and off the last 48 hours. Of course we are praying that God has an even more awe-inspiring baby coming our way during this break. Of course this setback in building our family has reminded that we have each other and that we are a great team.
And, this is why God gave us great husbands.
Because although they grieve, too, they grieve differently than we do...in my experience, more objectively or suscinctly, if that makes sense. And after coming home early, giving one of those awesome hugs that only husbands can give, they remind us that we will get through this. And did we want to go play in the yard on this beautiful afternoon?
Specifically, do we want to go play with this?
We treated ourselves to one of these a couple weekends ago, and due to my having been PUPO, I hadn't gotten a chance to try it out. And since I am usually the one who mows the yard, and I love puttering in the veggie or flower garden, this therapy for the crushing news of the day couldn't have been more healing to me. We spent the afternoon taking turns doing donuts in our yard (I mean, responsibly mowing the yard in systematic and methodical rows), trimming the edges, pulling weeds, and admiring the colors of the flowers and the height of our pea plants and the tons of buds on our raspberry and blackberry bushes. By the time me and Banana went on our walk, you would have never guessed our hopes had been dashed a mere 5 hours prior.
Maybe some people would say we're bordering on denial, but I would have to disagree. We would love to have celebrated a positive test, but instead we celebrated us- going through all the shots, appointments, procedures, only to receive a negative result without collapsing in despair is no small feat. We are not pretending the negative beta never happened, but we are healing from this disappointment in the way we'd like to show our kids how to heal from a disappointment, and in this way, we feel like we're honoring our first kiddo (who will hopefully pull some strings for us now....are you listening kiddo??? haha! obey your parents!!).
Mr. A is confident we will be pregnant. And you know what, I am alllllmost 100% with him. No matter what, though, we are confident that God will expand our family in His perfect time. The peace we have is really bizarre (surpassing understanding, Phillipians 4:6-7). The thought that has come to me is that God will use this IVF bfn to show me His amazing greatness. It's as if He is saying to me "I have led you through all these procedures, and I know it doesn't seem right that they would not work. But I have done this to show you that while I can work miracles in conjunction with advanced technology, I can just the same work miracles with even the humblest of circumstances- you, just as I created you."
I often struggle to hear God. But as I have prayed to trust Him through this valley, that "message" from Him has really quieted my frenzied heart. I can't wait to see what circumstances God uses to bring new life to our family! I am grateful for the faith and peace to see beyond this "failure" and excitedly anticipate what good will come of it!
In the meantime, I am enjoying my hazlenut coffee more than is imaginable. I may even meet my sister at the winery down the road for an afternoon this weekend. Who is coming with me?
Of course we are beyond disappointed our little embie did not stay with us here. Of course we will always remember him/her and can't wait to meet him/her in heaven. Of course I have cried on and off the last 48 hours. Of course we are praying that God has an even more awe-inspiring baby coming our way during this break. Of course this setback in building our family has reminded that we have each other and that we are a great team.
And, this is why God gave us great husbands.
Because although they grieve, too, they grieve differently than we do...in my experience, more objectively or suscinctly, if that makes sense. And after coming home early, giving one of those awesome hugs that only husbands can give, they remind us that we will get through this. And did we want to go play in the yard on this beautiful afternoon?
Specifically, do we want to go play with this?
We treated ourselves to one of these a couple weekends ago, and due to my having been PUPO, I hadn't gotten a chance to try it out. And since I am usually the one who mows the yard, and I love puttering in the veggie or flower garden, this therapy for the crushing news of the day couldn't have been more healing to me. We spent the afternoon taking turns doing donuts in our yard (I mean, responsibly mowing the yard in systematic and methodical rows), trimming the edges, pulling weeds, and admiring the colors of the flowers and the height of our pea plants and the tons of buds on our raspberry and blackberry bushes. By the time me and Banana went on our walk, you would have never guessed our hopes had been dashed a mere 5 hours prior.Maybe some people would say we're bordering on denial, but I would have to disagree. We would love to have celebrated a positive test, but instead we celebrated us- going through all the shots, appointments, procedures, only to receive a negative result without collapsing in despair is no small feat. We are not pretending the negative beta never happened, but we are healing from this disappointment in the way we'd like to show our kids how to heal from a disappointment, and in this way, we feel like we're honoring our first kiddo (who will hopefully pull some strings for us now....are you listening kiddo??? haha! obey your parents!!).
Mr. A is confident we will be pregnant. And you know what, I am alllllmost 100% with him. No matter what, though, we are confident that God will expand our family in His perfect time. The peace we have is really bizarre (surpassing understanding, Phillipians 4:6-7). The thought that has come to me is that God will use this IVF bfn to show me His amazing greatness. It's as if He is saying to me "I have led you through all these procedures, and I know it doesn't seem right that they would not work. But I have done this to show you that while I can work miracles in conjunction with advanced technology, I can just the same work miracles with even the humblest of circumstances- you, just as I created you."
I often struggle to hear God. But as I have prayed to trust Him through this valley, that "message" from Him has really quieted my frenzied heart. I can't wait to see what circumstances God uses to bring new life to our family! I am grateful for the faith and peace to see beyond this "failure" and excitedly anticipate what good will come of it!
In the meantime, I am enjoying my hazlenut coffee more than is imaginable. I may even meet my sister at the winery down the road for an afternoon this weekend. Who is coming with me?
Not looking good
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
BFN and some light pink spotting this morning.
11dp3dt is pretty stinkin late for implantation spotting. Mr. A hugged me as I told (cried) him about the negative test, and he chivalrous-ly comforted me to just wait until tomorrow. He is the sweetest thing ever.
Among other things, I am embarrassed that it didn't work. What on earth is wrong with me? I don't even want to see my RE. All I want to do is go to the lab to get my beta, find (and brew) the most expensive bag of flavored coffee on the planet, get a breakfast bagel sandwich at the local place, and not do my work today.
But I will wait till tomorrow. If for nothing else because Mr. A (God bless him) is not convinced that it didn't work. And I'm not one to crush anyone's hope for a baby, especially my dear husband's hope.
11dp3dt is pretty stinkin late for implantation spotting. Mr. A hugged me as I told (cried) him about the negative test, and he chivalrous-ly comforted me to just wait until tomorrow. He is the sweetest thing ever.
Among other things, I am embarrassed that it didn't work. What on earth is wrong with me? I don't even want to see my RE. All I want to do is go to the lab to get my beta, find (and brew) the most expensive bag of flavored coffee on the planet, get a breakfast bagel sandwich at the local place, and not do my work today.
But I will wait till tomorrow. If for nothing else because Mr. A (God bless him) is not convinced that it didn't work. And I'm not one to crush anyone's hope for a baby, especially my dear husband's hope.
Zzz..
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I just took a 2-hour nap in the middle of the day.
During which, I had a dream that some bad guys were canvassing our neighborhood stealing everyone's gas grills.
At 10dp3dt, I could definitely have tested again this morning, but as I told my friend K today, at this point, ignorance is bliss. Technically, I'm still PUPO, despite the negative yesterday. Even though I do not have any telltale symptoms, alot of people don't at this point. I don't really think the PIO has given me even PIO-induced symptoms, as I've been on it since the ER, and I haven't had any "symptom" since starting it.
I think by the grace of God, we are still hoping and praying for a miracle positive on Thursday. (Read an excellent post on hope at The Pugh's.) I think Mr. A is more confident that we're pregnant than I am at this point. And as he is the leader of our family, I'm going to follow him on this one for sure!
Sort of a boring post, but I am still kind of dragging after my nap! Thank you for all the prayers for my grandpa. The thought that I could potentially tell him that his first great-grandchild is on the way brings tears to my eyes!
During which, I had a dream that some bad guys were canvassing our neighborhood stealing everyone's gas grills.
At 10dp3dt, I could definitely have tested again this morning, but as I told my friend K today, at this point, ignorance is bliss. Technically, I'm still PUPO, despite the negative yesterday. Even though I do not have any telltale symptoms, alot of people don't at this point. I don't really think the PIO has given me even PIO-induced symptoms, as I've been on it since the ER, and I haven't had any "symptom" since starting it.
I think by the grace of God, we are still hoping and praying for a miracle positive on Thursday. (Read an excellent post on hope at The Pugh's.) I think Mr. A is more confident that we're pregnant than I am at this point. And as he is the leader of our family, I'm going to follow him on this one for sure!
Sort of a boring post, but I am still kind of dragging after my nap! Thank you for all the prayers for my grandpa. The thought that I could potentially tell him that his first great-grandchild is on the way brings tears to my eyes!
Haha!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
My progesterone is NINETY-THREE! HAAAAAA!! I am just cracking up!! I mean, how hilarious is that, given my blah progesterone history?! My estrogen is also good at 376 (they want it to be over 200). Could it be that my hormones (hormoneys) are actually cooperating this time?!
(Incidentally, my daily devotion today is about Eph 3:20-21, and about God doing immeasurably more than we can imagine!)
So needless to say, that put a smile on my face. I am truly revelling in being pregnant and loving every minute of it! Come on, baby!
Yesterday afternoon I felt pretty awful- nauseous, period-type crampy, tired, etc. I'm thinking it is party progesterone and partly baby. HA. Work with me, here! Today (3dp3dt) my back is killing me, and I am feeling some cramps sometimes and some pinchy feelings. Snuggle in tight, little one!
We have been praying like crazy that God is going to allow this baby to stay. We are so amazingly excited at the possibility, and so humbled at the opportunity. We are so blessed! Yesterday my great-great aunt (who is battling uterine cancer- please pray for her) sent me a beautiful card out of the blue that was so encouraging- I'm taking it as a little pick me up from above!!
(Incidentally, my daily devotion today is about Eph 3:20-21, and about God doing immeasurably more than we can imagine!)
So needless to say, that put a smile on my face. I am truly revelling in being pregnant and loving every minute of it! Come on, baby!
Yesterday afternoon I felt pretty awful- nauseous, period-type crampy, tired, etc. I'm thinking it is party progesterone and partly baby. HA. Work with me, here! Today (3dp3dt) my back is killing me, and I am feeling some cramps sometimes and some pinchy feelings. Snuggle in tight, little one!
We have been praying like crazy that God is going to allow this baby to stay. We are so amazingly excited at the possibility, and so humbled at the opportunity. We are so blessed! Yesterday my great-great aunt (who is battling uterine cancer- please pray for her) sent me a beautiful card out of the blue that was so encouraging- I'm taking it as a little pick me up from above!!
Happy Mother's Day
Sunday, May 09, 2010
I just want to wish all of us- mothers or waiting-to-be-mothers, a happy day today. Or at least a bearable Mother's Day for people really struggling today. It's such a hard day for those of us waiting, but what makes it easier is that we know that so many of you who have overcome infertility are praying for us!! (At least it does for me!)
The news show we're watching this morning (my back is getting sore from all this laying down, by the way...) mentioned that what is so great about moms is unconditional love. I feel the teeniest bit of that today. I know that a 4-cell embie on day 3 is not exactly the optimal conditions, but I (we) love this little girl/guy more than anything. We have so much hope that he will grow so well inside, and we are encouraged by people who have had success with such a transfer (I'm talking to you, Hoping for a Baby!). But every time we paused from breakfast today to pick up the picture of our little guy (or girl), we affirmed our faith that God can do huge things with what we have! He already has done so much by allowing this little embryo to be created!
I have to admit, there are times when I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed with how amazingly some people respond compared to how I did, or that they could transfer more perfect embryos, but for now, I do my best to push these negative thoughts away and focus on sending healthy, growing thoughts to our little embie. God has a unique plan and purpose for ME, and I'm trying not to compare myself to others. I am pregnant today, and for that I am thankful!! I am praying my heart out that God will allow me to carry this baby and that he/she will light up our lives in 9 months.
And I couldn't end this Mother's Day post without a huge thank you to Mr. A for making such an amazing breakfast while I was in the recliner doing nothing. I love you, sweetie!
The news show we're watching this morning (my back is getting sore from all this laying down, by the way...) mentioned that what is so great about moms is unconditional love. I feel the teeniest bit of that today. I know that a 4-cell embie on day 3 is not exactly the optimal conditions, but I (we) love this little girl/guy more than anything. We have so much hope that he will grow so well inside, and we are encouraged by people who have had success with such a transfer (I'm talking to you, Hoping for a Baby!). But every time we paused from breakfast today to pick up the picture of our little guy (or girl), we affirmed our faith that God can do huge things with what we have! He already has done so much by allowing this little embryo to be created!
I have to admit, there are times when I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed with how amazingly some people respond compared to how I did, or that they could transfer more perfect embryos, but for now, I do my best to push these negative thoughts away and focus on sending healthy, growing thoughts to our little embie. God has a unique plan and purpose for ME, and I'm trying not to compare myself to others. I am pregnant today, and for that I am thankful!! I am praying my heart out that God will allow me to carry this baby and that he/she will light up our lives in 9 months.
And I couldn't end this Mother's Day post without a huge thank you to Mr. A for making such an amazing breakfast while I was in the recliner doing nothing. I love you, sweetie!
We are home!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I'm pregnant! With our beautiful little 4-cell embryo :) (The other two embies did not divide- which we are bummed about, but now is the time to rejoice over out little one who is perfect!) I'll update with the picture as soon as I scan it- the embryologist said he/she looked very healthy, and that alot of people are actually electing to do single embryo transfer these days. We have so much hope for our little one!!
The nurse commented that it's a perfect weekend for this, it being Mother's Day and all. I totally agree! And I hang on to many of my favorite Biblical encouragements, especially that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. I think alot of people would consider transferring 1 embryo to be sort of lackluster at best, but I am confident that God can do great things with this little embie!! Maybe it seems naive to say "it only takes one", but this little soul has already changed our lives, and I pray that we will get to meet him/her in January and that God will continue to use our family to show what He can do, when it seems like the conditions are not great!
Thank you for all your prayers! Now it's time to pray that our little one is happy and growing well in his/her new home!
The nurse commented that it's a perfect weekend for this, it being Mother's Day and all. I totally agree! And I hang on to many of my favorite Biblical encouragements, especially that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. I think alot of people would consider transferring 1 embryo to be sort of lackluster at best, but I am confident that God can do great things with this little embie!! Maybe it seems naive to say "it only takes one", but this little soul has already changed our lives, and I pray that we will get to meet him/her in January and that God will continue to use our family to show what He can do, when it seems like the conditions are not great!
Thank you for all your prayers! Now it's time to pray that our little one is happy and growing well in his/her new home!
So blessed
Friday, May 07, 2010
We are already so in love and so thankful for our little one(s). AND SO EXCITED that (God willing) they will be here in January! We are praying they continue to grow healthy and will give us the honor of being parents. It's very humbling. 5 eggs is not really that great, statistically-speaking. But look at what God has done with the little we have!! Truly, His power has been made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). We know we are not pregnant just yet, but we feel like we have received a huge blessing already, and we are hoping and praying our babies are here to stay!
Our transfer will be at 9:30am tomorrow (Saturday)! They don't disturb the babies on day 2, so we are praying and trusting that God is taking care of them and allowing them to be healthy!
I received this devotion below as today's Daily Double Portion from Sarah's Laughter. If you have not signed up to receive these daily devotionals geared towards ministering to women dealing with miscarriage, child loss, and infertility, you should sign up TODAY. They have been a great source of inspiration and comfort to me. I hope it will speak to you if you're struggling, especially since this weekend is so agonizing for those of us with empty nurseries.
***
How Amazing is Sufficient Grace?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.
Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.
No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.
You may be thinking, “But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.” Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.
Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.
Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.
God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you.
The Sarah’s Laughter Prayer Team will be praying for you through Mother’s Day weekend.
(c) 2009-10 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss
Our transfer will be at 9:30am tomorrow (Saturday)! They don't disturb the babies on day 2, so we are praying and trusting that God is taking care of them and allowing them to be healthy!
I received this devotion below as today's Daily Double Portion from Sarah's Laughter. If you have not signed up to receive these daily devotionals geared towards ministering to women dealing with miscarriage, child loss, and infertility, you should sign up TODAY. They have been a great source of inspiration and comfort to me. I hope it will speak to you if you're struggling, especially since this weekend is so agonizing for those of us with empty nurseries.
***
How Amazing is Sufficient Grace?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.
Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.
No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.
You may be thinking, “But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.” Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.
Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.
Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.
God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you.
The Sarah’s Laughter Prayer Team will be praying for you through Mother’s Day weekend.
(c) 2009-10 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss
Report!
Thursday, May 06, 2010
FINALLY!! My RE just called- out of the 5 eggs:
In my heart of hearts, I really wish the other two would have been as far along as #1, but my RE said they just do a spot check of them, and it's possible that they're fine and just got a late start or something, or the lab is looking at them from a weird angle. So I'll be praying that all three will be happy and healthy looking tomorrow!
And I know that ONE isn't exactly phenominal numbers, but God has brought so much good out of seemingly unfavorable conditions already this cycle, I can't imagine He'll stop now! (Nevertheless, His will be done...) Thank you Lord for allowing this little one(s)! Please bless them and keep them safe so we can meet them in January! ;-)
PS. We did my first PIO last night, and it was completely painless. Are we doing something wrong? Ha!
- 4 were mature
- 1 of the 4 mature ones had a protein coating or something? (have to research more about what that is really, or if I'm even understanding that correctly)
- 1 is definitely fertilized and on his/her way
- 2 are in the earlier stages of fertilization, so they can't quite tell if they're looking normally fertilized or not
In my heart of hearts, I really wish the other two would have been as far along as #1, but my RE said they just do a spot check of them, and it's possible that they're fine and just got a late start or something, or the lab is looking at them from a weird angle. So I'll be praying that all three will be happy and healthy looking tomorrow!
And I know that ONE isn't exactly phenominal numbers, but God has brought so much good out of seemingly unfavorable conditions already this cycle, I can't imagine He'll stop now! (Nevertheless, His will be done...) Thank you Lord for allowing this little one(s)! Please bless them and keep them safe so we can meet them in January! ;-)
PS. We did my first PIO last night, and it was completely painless. Are we doing something wrong? Ha!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)