Grieving being mamas together

What?  You thought I'd never post again?  Well I thought I'd return with a head splitting deep thought whammy....

As you all know, my sister is pregnant.  Without trying and/or unplanned, however you choose to categorize it.  She is now in her 17th week, and has not told any of our extended family.  At first, they said they were going to wait until 13 weeks (don't get me started; I know the risk of miscarriage goes down, but hello, it's not like making it to 13w guarantees you a baby on your due date- there are tons of heartbreaking late loss mamas to testify to this...), but they have continued to drag their feet and keep this amazing news stuffed away.  They would like the world to believe they are a fancy, worldly, cultured couple whose lives are filled to the brim with amazingly exciting things all the time.  So they do alot of traveling and entertaining, and yes their weekends are chock full of activities, and maybe I am super lame, but it seems simply exhausting to me and with the bulk of "look what we're doing", the vibe is starting to seem fairly for-the-sake-of-showing-off.  But, my point is that when I ask her when they are going to tell people, she starts making excuses: "well not this weekend, we are throwing a party for X", "well not this week because I'm travelling for work", and on and on.  I think it is fairly sad that they can't take a half hour out of their super amazing lives to share the news of their baby with their family, for pete's sake.

She was not "excited" in the beginning.  Everyone told me to give her time- that she would warm up to the idea.  So here we are, months later, and she may have warmed up 0.5 degrees, if I'm generous. 

I have asked her no less than 25 times if she wants to go maternity clothes shopping, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't need clothes yet.  I reminded her that last year when I went in April, I bought stuff that was too big for me until August or September.  She keeps saying she doesn't need the clothes.  OMG!  How can she not want to go shopping for maternity clothes?!  I know she doesn't need them yet, but throw me a bone girl, just go try some on for this summer! 

I keep asking her what sort of prep they are doing for the baby.  Her answer?  They are planning on tiling their kitchen backsplash, tiling their bathroom floor, and installing a fan above their shower.  Oh wait, did you miss the baby things?  So did I.  Okay fine, maybe they are "nesting" but let's not forget the whole POINT of nesting which is to get ready for the BABY.  They are not, for example, fixing up the baby's room.  The closest thing they have come to even getting near the baby's room is "looking through some files" in there. 

So, to all who told me that she would warm up and that this would be so fun for us to be able to share pregnancy and baby talk, I give up.  I thought I was over this, but I don't think I am.  I am seriously grieving swapping baby advice and experiences, but most of all, I think I am grieving (in advance) of being moms together.  One of my favorite bloggers just found out her sister is pregnant, and she did the cutest post about it.  I about cried when I considered how different my relationship with my sister is (and realistically, will be).  She does not call me to ask what I thought about whatever baby product, or if I want to come help her clean out the baby's closet, and I do not think she will call me to ask about breastfeeding advice or sleeping trouble or any other thing about their baby.  She will not call me to see if we want to plan activities for the kids together- it will always be their family apart from ours.  (I know in theory our kids will be a year apart, but I don't think the kids will see each other more than I saw my cousins who lived several states away.  They don't involve us in their life now, and I can't tease myself anymore that it will change once they have a baby.)  It is really breaking my heart.

Full disclosure:  I hope their baby is a boy.  I don't want to have to share Maryanne's precious stuff with someone who could care less.  I am already grieving being moms together, much less being moms of girls together.

Our other sister and I are supposed to throw her shower in August.  At this point, I honestly do not know how I am going to do it.  How do you throw a shower for someone who would rather not celebrate their pregnancy, when the whole point of a shower is to celebrate the pregnancy!??!  Don't even waste your breath telling me that by THEN she will be really happy about it. 

I keep telling myself to just not ask her questions, to just let her humdrum along like she is apparently content to do.  I have tried.  But I can't.  I still call her and ask her about her baby, knowing I will hang up feeling hurt and disappointed and ostracized. 

Maybe this is how the fertile world is.  It was no big deal to get pregnant, so it is no big deal to be pregnant.  I think that is really shameful.  They can get all hyped up about all kinds of other things, but when it comes to the getting stoked about the baby that they are carrying, they just blow it off: no biggie, whatever.  It literally makes me want to cry.

As much as I'm grieving, I'm also very thankful that God is merciful.  I honestly do not think I could have survived her apathy if we hadn't had been blessed with Maryanne already.  We are so grateful for her, and just as we have done since the second the pee stick dried, we will continue to emphatically and excitedly rejoice in her presence and the fact we get to be her parents.

Aching

I know that I haven't gotten back to posting alot yet, but I keep up with all y'all on my blogroll while I'm nursing Maryanne.

If you have a moment to pray for Deanna, please do. She is carrying precious twins and found out one of them (a baby girl) has an omphalocele, among other issues, and they are hoping that her issues do not affect the other twin. My heart is absolutely breaking for her. I am sure she is trying to keep her head above water, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be in her shoes, but I thought what she wrote today was so beautiful: "...the swelling around the baby's head, which actually looks like a halo, is very severe.....As of now, we are praying that God would take our special angel home. Regardless of her physical handicaps, she is just is perfect as her brother/sister. She already wears her halo."

If you have more than a few moments, maybe leave her a comment of support.

Hullabaloo

I haven't been able to get back into frequent blogging (yet?), and most of my blog-reading takes place on my phone while I'm feeding Maryanne, but I take it that there has been some fuss over the creation of the new PAIL blogroll.

From my limited understanding, the issue is that there is already one universal infertility blog list (Stirrup Queens), so why do we need another? Or is the stink that it's exclusive to those still trying?

When I first heard about the new blogroll, and maybe I am not a deep enough thinker or something, but I was really excited. I viewed it as another resource as an infertile mom, but still an infertile. The same way that I view Stirrup Queens. Is there such a thing as too many resources? Of course, it will comprise people who are on the blessed other side of being childless, but I have found that infertility still affects me daily- good and bad. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I am not still the biggest cheerleader for my TTC or childfree buddies.

There were many days before we became pregnant that I absolutely not stomach another pregnant after IF blog. But there were some days when reading about someone's triumph over the IF crap gave me so much hope. Is having a blogroll that is entirely a testament to people's beating IF really a bad thing?

So anyway, I joined PAIL. I am also on Stirrup Queens' list, but I forget where.... I hope that it didn't offend any readers who are still trying. I know I don't have alot of extra brain cells these days, but maybe people are overthinking it and getting themselves into a tizzy? Why can't we all just get along? ;-)

New blog for you

IF makes this world a small one. It also brings people together who otherwise would never have met. And by "met" I mean both in real life and in this great Adoption-Loss-Infertility (ALI) and Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss (PAIL) communities of ours. (If you haven't checked out PAIL, it's new, so be sure to click the link and check it out!)

A (infertile) friend of a (fertile) friend of mine just sent me a sweet note to tell me that she is pregnant with twins after only one IVF cycle!! I was so excited to hear from her, and I was even more excited when she told me she has started her own blog!!

Please go over and say hi to her- at Miracles on Long View Drive! {Welcome to our little world, Miss Type A, and I can't wait to keep up with you through your blog!!}

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)

Infertility Sucks

My heart has been kind of heavy lately about infertility. I don't know if this seems two-faced of me to say, given the baby girl we've been blessed with, but except for the few people who seem to have amnesia about how much they struggled, once an infertile, always an infertile.

It just sucks how hard it is for us to become pregnant, and meanwhile there are naive, oblivious, fertile people who boldly announce when they're going to begin trying for another baby so that he/she can be born in whatever month they fancy. I would never dream of making such a proclamation. I mean how is it even possible that these people get things to work out so perfectly?

There are people who are on my WTE board who are already pregnant again. Granted, I haven't even had a period yet, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever conceive again. I absolutely loved being pregnant and giving birth- will I get to experience it another time? Far be it from me to say things like "when we have another" or other crazy things of that nature.

My next sister has been wanting to have a baby for a while, and while I suspect her husband is not totally on board, I imagine they might start trying sometime soon. I would love for her to let me in on when they start, so I can cheer her on especially when she's disappointed, but she is a pretty private person, and I don't know if she will tell me. And then of course there is the reality that most of the world's population doesn't have any disappointment associated with trying for a baby- there is just the one missed period and the following obviously positive test. I have said it many times before: I would never wish infertility on anyone. But will I feel any kind of infertile yuckiness if they hit a home run the first time they come up to bat?

It's just amazing to me that these things still run through my head, even as our daughter is here. But they do, and I doubt they will ever stop. Infertility just seeps so deep that you can't ever get rid of it, I don't think.

Cosmic Reverse Psychology Session

Cannot believe it is December 31, again. Can you stand another year-in-review post?

Maybe you should go back and read my post from last year on December 31. Then you will understand my title.

We had battled and lost, and last year at this time, we had pretty much given up hope of expanding our family. We had convinced ourselves that we were just as excited about eating organically and playing with our dogs as we would have been about decorating a nursery. And for all practical purposes, we truly were excited about those things. When you don't have an alternative, of course you are going to go bananas about making a fancy meal on a Wednesday night and teaching your dogs new tricks.

So I had decided to be bold and specifically NOT wish for a baby in 2011. I guess it was part self-preservation and part screw-you-infertility, but whatever it was- hell if I was going to tell myself that I'd have a baby in 2011 and have that empty prediction come crashing down again.

My friend always told me that God was going to knock my socks off when it came to expanding our family. I mostly believed her, but let's face it, after all the time of being without a child, I could never quite believe her 100%. I kept watching Him knock everyone else's socks off, and meanwhile, my socks were decidedly ON.

I will ask God someday why He waited to bless us with a child until we had give up 99.9% of hope of being parents. Maybe what I wrote last year was more true than I knew:

"But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true."

I had definitely given up on my dreams of how/when we'd have children. I think my thought pattern was something like "Supposedly God has something good in store for me, so I guess I will just have to lollygag around until whatever it is that is "so great" happens. If it is really going to happen."

I don't mean to imply that we should all start praying for our intentions as if God is playing a cruel game of Opposite Day. Actually, I think with respect to women struggling with infertility, it is the success stories of women who have given up or decided to adopt and then became pregnant which are sometimes the hardest. No one wants to hear that all you need to do is stop obsessing over getting two lines on a pee stick.

It goes without saying that 2011 has been the best year of my life. (2005 is a close second for when we got married.) I never in my wildest imagination thought we would conceive naturally after all we had been through, and I certainly didn't think it would happen this year. I was confident that 2011 would be a good year, but that was more like "Oh yah, I'm sure our dogs will be obedient this year" or "Won't it be neat to go to the winery down the street for their summer Friday picnics?" or "Let's buy some extravagant fancy car just because we won't have to pay for college".

I am so thankful for all that 2011 has meant to our family. Especially the arrival of our baby girl.

I hope that if we hadn't conceived like we did, that I would still be thankful for 2011. It's all hypothetical, but I hope that I would still have relished in the things that are blessings in our lives and held those as an example that no matter the size of our family, we are still very fortunate.

2012, you are coming after quite the year. 2011 set the bar way up high, and it is going to be a hard act to follow. But I will echo what I said last year, in that I hope that in 2012, we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food (now in the crockpot), and falling asleep at 9:15pm (okay maybe now by the time I get the kitchen cleaned up it is more like 9:30 or 10). We are so grateful that we have baby M to love this year, and we pray she will grow healthy and happy and strong and that we will be good parents to her. I don't know what specifically 2012 will hold, but I hope it's a year of health and happiness for our family and friends. And no more cosmic reverse psychology, okay?

Nesting: My version

I have done more than a couple posts on my in-laws during the last 9 months, and I just had to share this with you, too.

My IL's both grew up in very humble circumstances, but they have managed to situate themselves financially where they have gotten into a habit of buying luxurious things just because they can. Case in point, when they remodeled their kitchen, they put in a $12,000 stove. No, I'm not kidding. And no, they are not gourmet chefs, nor do they even cook from scratch on a regular basis. But you would think, from how they talk, that their oven makes better muffins than my regular one does. (I assure you, the muffins are the same, if not better, from my oven.)

And when MIL was talking about buying a new car, she was saying how she wanted the one that costs almost $60k. Her reasoning? Well because she wants it to last 9 or 10 years. Mr. A reminded her that my car cost $23k 9 years ago, and it has been an awesome, reliable car.

So you get my point. There is really no need to spend as much money as they do.

The other area where MIL spends a ton of useless money is furniture. We all joke about it, but between 2 houses they own, I think we counted 13 couches. Not including chairs. The joke is who's going to get willed the couches when she dies. Ha! She is constantly moving them from one room to another or rearranging the layout of the rooms (much to FIL's and her sons' dismay...).

Anyway, yesterday we were IM'ing. She goes, "Are you moving furniture or cleaning closets or any nesting things like that?"

Hehe. If this baby isn't going to come until I'm moving furniture, she is going to be in there indefinitely! We have ONE couch, a recliner, and an oversized chair in our family room, and it has been arranged in one of two positions in the whole past 4 years, and we only moved things because Mr. A wanted to see how it looked!!! (We left it in the second arrangement for a few months and then moved it back.)

And while I did clean out our closet in March to organize it for a maternity section, and I cleaned Maryanne's closet to make it organized with her stuff, the other two bedroom closets are untouched!!! Actually, they are probably worse off than they were in January, because where do you think all the stuff from Maryanne's closet went?! Haha!

I told her that I was not moving furniture or cleaning closets, and she concluded that I won't deliver for another two weeks then. (Because, clearly, you have to move a couch before your baby comes...)

Instead, I told her that my nesting comes in the form of making tons of scratch freezer meals and taking care of unruly landscaping. I could tell that she didn't buy it, but she tried really hard, responding "Well if you are restless, that is good, too."

Hehe. To each her own ;-)

Are you miserable?

Mr. A wanted to know last night. He said that all his coworkers keep asking him if I'm miserable, and when he says no, they tell him that that's crazy- I am miserable.

I think that is crazy talk.

I honestly don't know what to say to women who say they are miserable at the end of their pregnancy. Or the ones that whine that they want their body back. I just don't even know what they're thinking.

Okay fine, when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, my lower back really hurts and there is a ton of pelvic pressure, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl hanging out just where she is supposed to be right now, fully engaged and ready to meet us!

Okay fine, my belly has gotten pretty huge, and I have to chuckle that when I'm doing dishes I have to stand farther back from the sink to make room for it, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl growing just like she's supposed to!

For every symptom-related complaint I've ever heard about the end of pregnancy, I can't think of any response that doesn't come back to the fact that pregnancy is such a huge blessing, and women who complain about it (without the disclaimer that they know that it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby) have no idea how many other women would give their right arm to feel the same way. There are fertility clinics full of patients who are paying $20k a pop out of pocket for a chance to pee 3 times a night or have heartburn all the time.

So to the women who selfishly wail about being miserable at the end of pregnancy or write up eviction notices for their growing babies, I say how dare you. How dare you complain about the miracle of new life and all that it takes to create such a thing, and how dare you complain that your baby is still healthy and growing inside when so many moms go through miscarriage and infant loss?

And in other non-miserable news, my appointment this morning went great :) Blood pressure was 128/78, total weight gain is 26lbs (eh), but they are happy with that, her heartbeat was 143, she is at 0 station, I'm 2cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Midwife is really pleased with how my body is getting ready- we made an appointment for an NST and other post-due monitoring for next Wednesday (10/12), but she said she will be surprised if Maryanne isn't here by then. YAY!

Acupuncture at 1pm today to see if that will further help my body get ready! So excited!!!

Anticipation

39w5d here! Baby girl is still snuggled up inside :) I love feeling her move around :)

We are beside ourselves with excitement to meet her! It's kind of a strange place to be right now, though, because while I have loved everything about being pregnant (even the things that people complain about bring a smile to my face), and I would never wish it away (on the contrary, I would like to be pregnant forever!), I just cannot WAIT to meet our baby girl!!!

I am really trying not to be impatient. You'd think after waiting 4 years for her to get here, I'd have learned my lesson that everything happens when it's supposed to. My neighbor thinks that she will be born on the 11th (exactly 1 week late), which is my grandma's (Hazel) birthday. We shall see!

My other half

(Mr. A)

I am pretty sure that at one point or another, nearly every infertile wife will say or write (or at least think) that there is no way she could survive infertility without her husband. At least that would be my prayer for all infertile women (if we have to be infertile), that we would all be blessed with amazing husbands- I cannot even imagine going through the struggles of longing for a baby without the support of Mr. A.

He is is a problem-solver like me, but in a more man-problem-solving way. All throughout our journey to conceive, no matter what stumbling blocks we hit, he remained objectively focused on our desire to expand our family. Even when I'd be emotional and wishy-washy, he never stopped believing that we would welcome a baby here someday, and he was going to do whatever it took to get to the bottom of whatever mysterious issue was preventing us from conceiving.

But even as he was strong and steadfast and held his vision for us, I tried to remind myself that it wasn't all about me; he wanted to be a dad, too, and even though lots of times, he didn't let it affect so much of his life, like I did. But he knew the pain of infertility, too. But sometimes, in the throws of infertility, it was easy to forget that he felt the stress and longing and anticipation, too.

And as he was encouraging me the other night when I was freaking out about stupid little things talking about how annoyed I was, I had sort of a flashback to last fall and all the times when I ended up so absorbed in my own infertility journey that I forgot he was going through it, too, with me.

He's about to become a dad. Something he's always wanted. But not something he is taking lightly. He is already the hardest-working person I have ever known in my life, but I can tell that now, all his work and time away and job and responsibilities are starting to be in a new light in his mind. It won't be just work or a paycheck anymore- it will be a way for our family to thrive and grow together and be happy.

No pressure! While I am rambling on about the wooly bushes in our front yard, he reminds me that he's been having a crazy time at work right now, too, and it's not just me who's feeling pulled in all different directions.

Humility check!

I am so grateful for the perspective that he brings to our marriage and to our life- all our journey together-, and how he strives to provide the best life imaginable for us. How even when he has stupid days at work, if he gets home and I'm being fussy about whatever silly thing (which I promise is not that often), he will selflessly let me fuss until I remember that maybe I should ask how he is doing.

He is going to be an awesome dad. Last night, when we went to sleep, Maryanne was moving like CRAZY. She is so low and I guess running out of room, so her movements were really powerful! I was loving it, and I whispered to him that she was going nuts. I think he thought it was making me uncomfortable (it wasn't really, I was just keeping him posted), because he rolled over and started rubbing my bump, and he goes "Sssssh, sweetie, it's okay..."

It was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. (And, can I just say, she quieted down! Wow! I told him he was in charge of bedtimes!!!) I just laid there smiling for a while. I am so lucky.

So no matter if you are still in the trenches of infertility or if you are preparing to welcome a baby into your house or if you are parenting a little one, don't forget your other half. They are walking beside you through this journey, too, even if you feel like some days it's all on your shoulders. Don't forget to consider their feelings when things are tough, and don't forget to rejoice together when things are great!

Uncool

(Update from post this morning- see below)

Good (cool) news: Mr. A encouraged me to go to my yoga class and call the repair place on the way. (I was fretting, what if I called, and they said they could only come at 10:30? He said, don't worry about it, just tell them you won't be home till the afternoon. Love that he puts my sanity ahead of all the condiments that may or may not have to be replaced....) AND, it was a great yoga class. The other girl who is also 39 weeks (gah, still can't believe I'M 39 weeks!!) was also there, and we are hoping that we are cuddling our babies by this time next Tuesday morning. AND, after class, we went to this cupcake place and got cupcakes for a treat. So fun :) I am glad that I took Mr. A's advice and went to yoga because....

Bad (uncool) news: The earliest the fridge people can come out is tomorrow between 1-6pm!!! Wow. Definitely thankful we have our chest freezer, and definitely hoping it doesn't crap out, too. Trying to figure out how we can eat at home (without relying on takeout for every meal) because they said depending on the part required, it might be MONDAY before it is fixed. That's right. Like, the day before Maryanne is due. Oh well, trying to roll with the punches here!! (The cupcake that I got after yoga is helping....it is REALLY good!)

But overall, feeling WAY better today and not really annoyed at anything right now. It would be sort of hilarious (in retrospect, I'm sure) if she was born in the next few days and we had a houseful of company with no refrigeration capabilities.

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

TGIF etc

So glad it is Friday!! It will be so nice to sleep in tomorrow!!

Thanks for all the compliments on baby girl's name :) We are so excited to meet her! In the "All things TMI" file, I think I lost at least a portion of my mucus plug last night! Of course tons of people lose it and don't go into labor any time soon, but I was just so excited that it seems like my body is gearing up to have this baby! I might be feeling a tad more crampy today, but I am not sure if that is my mind playing tricks on me or not. It is sort of a throwback to the endless days of the 2ww's...trying to analyze my "symptoms" without going crazy and knowing the whole time that they could all mean nothing.

An update on my friend who had a less-than-glowing reaction to the name- she says that she really does like the name- she just thought it was a joke because she'd just talked to me on Saturday and I was staunchly against sharing the name, so when I emailed her about it on Monday, she just thought I gave up and made something up to appease her. She nevertheless admits it was her fault. I still don't think it was a very thoughtful way to react to someone telling her the name of their child, even if it WAS a joke! Because how are you to know?! Even if I told her that we were naming her something like "Paint-Can", I think it's the friend's job to say something nice, even if they hate it! Haha!!

I have a few things that we really need from the grocery store (BUTTER being numero uno), but it is POURING rain today, and I don't really want to go out. Not like the store isn't just 15 minutes away or anything, and not like I have anything else to do this afternoon. Unbelievably, after having my concentration at work be completely absent from January till July, I have totally buckled down in August and this month, and I am sitting in a great position every day at 1pm when I turn off my computer... lest I don't get to turn it on the next morning!

Yesterday, I had lunch with two girls from my prenatal yoga class, and we sat and ate and talked for just over two hours! It was SO nice, and I really hope I have made some lifelong friends. One is due Oct 1 (just a few days ahead of me), and the other is due Dec 28. We talked about all kinds of things (not just baby stuff), and I am so grateful to have met them. It is nice to have the common bond/interest in how yoga helps us to be the healthiest as possible going into labor and delivery and that kind of carries over into other common things like prioritizing healthy/whole eating and active hobbies and things like that. But it is also nice because we all come from different backgrounds, so it was really neat to find out a little more about our histories and families!

Well I think I will do my best to get myself motivated to run to the store. I don't want to put it off too much longer, and the thought of not having any butter in the house is kind of scary ;-)

Preparations (type-A heaven)

This post will probably be boring or totally hilarious to those of you fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants'ers, but I have had alot of fun preparing for this baby, and luckily, there are only a few things on my list that are not completed. I am feeling great, and I think it is helping me to feel very calm about the "any day now" baby birthing that is ahead of me.

So here goes :)

Here was my "Before the Baby" list:
set up downstairs changing area
order more wipe solution
buy witch hazel @ the drugstore
finish prepping AIO's
fix roof (totally new roof getting put on second week of Oct!)
pack hospital bag
talk to neighbors about dog care
unpack car seat, pack n' play, bouncer
make freezer meals
organize/label linen closet
clean out car
install car seat
clean off kitchen bench
write house manual
make a list of favorite recipes
make housekey copies
clean vacuum filters
clean the house (thank you, cleaning crew!)
organize freezers
buy vegetarian something for Great Aunt B
reorganize family room shelves

(And no arguing, Great Aunt B. You are not going to come here and have to eat celery while serving up delicious carnivore meals for my hubby (and me) (and whoever else is here)... There WILL be boca burgers for you, if I have to make a special trip before we go to the hospital....)

It has been really fulfilling to cross things off this list. I just went this morning and got some last minute things at the store, and I think I won't have to make another trip before M comes, as long as she is not overdue. That is so exciting for me!

Today has been really great. I slept kind of awful on Thursday night thanks to my runny nose, but last night I slept SO much better. We had a light breakfast, and then I went to run some errands- grocery store, Target (cotton skirt for laboring, hooks to hang up brooms/mops in laundry room), the bulk store, and the farm. I've changed our sheets, done 4 loads of laundry, hung all then hanging clothes up, and folded and put away all the other clothes. In between all this, I talked to one of my friends for about half an hour while eating lunch, and laid down and got my fill of the Saturday Food Network lineup. Now we are just waiting on Mr. A to get home from his pilot training. I'm making sloppy joe's for dinner- a double batch so I can freeze what's leftover for when M is here!!!

And speaking of FOOD, I've prepared 10 items (including sloppy joe's tonight) for the freezer that will hopefully come in handy when M is here. I made them all last week, and while there was one day that was kind of hectic (I made the pulled pork and enchiladas in the same day), it all came together kind of quick! Here is the list

Chili
Meatballs (30) (for subs or pasta)
Enchiladas (9x13 pan)
Pulled BBQ Pork
Sloppy Joes
Pizza Crusts (4)
Meatloaf (2)
Hamburgers (10)
Honey Garlic Chicken
Cooked (roasted) Chicken (enough for 3 meals: Chicken Pot Pie, Chicken Salad Sandwiches, Almond Chicken Bake)

I made double batches of chili, enchiladas, and sloppy joes (tonight), and froze whatever we didn't eat for dinner. All of the other things were specially prepared just for the freezer. I thought it would seem like more work than it was, making totally extra dinners, but it wasn't too bad at all. This is my first foray into freezer cooking- I hope we will like the results!!!

I did actually write up some "Kitchen Info" and "Laundry Info" for visitors when they are here, including the location of key items, and what foods are in which freezer (kitchen or garage). I hope it will help. I am sure that Mr. A's mom will still be totally befuddled as to where the chemical-laden Dow.ny is (we just use vinegar for fabric softener), and I'm sure that someone will put my sharp knives in the dishwasher, but I'm going to have to let it go. This whole having people stay at my house and not be totally in charge of making everyone comfortable will be a huge departure from my normal hostess self, but maybe my type-A personality could use a little rounding at the edges ;-) For now though, I am grateful for it- I am feeling totally relaxed and happy and ready/excited/hopeful for labor to start so we can all meet M!

"You can call me..."

So on Saturday, Mr. A is going up to help his dad and brother move around some furniture for a project they are working on. His parents' house is about an hour and half away.

When he told me about it, I didn't think anything about it. We've driven up there for day trips countless times; it doesn't even "seem" like a trip at all, really. I even wondered if I should go, if his mom was going to be there, too (it's their second home), but turns out she won't be there.

Last night after dinner, Mr. A goes "Well you know, you can call me anytime on Saturday if anything, like, you know, happens."

Maybe I am just a little dense in the head lately, but it honesty took me a few seconds to realize what he was talking about.

Oh, right. Labor! Haha :)

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote a post about how when you struggle with infertility for so long, the prayer for a child almost becomes abstract and unreal. I mean, of course you are actively praying for a baby, but when your prayer goes unanswered forever, you lose the immediacy and the real-ness of your request. At least sometimes I felt that way. Like, oh sure, I'm praying for a baby, but like that is ever going to happen.

Now that I am almost to the end of this miracle pregnancy, there are still times when I feel like the reality that (God-willing) there will be a healthy baby girl in our arms in less than a month is kind of abstract. We have been preparing for this baby in so many ways for such a long time that, even now that she is almost here, it is hard for me to believe and wrap my head around some days.

Today I'll be praying that we'll all renew the passion that we have about our prayers, especially the ones that have taken on a distant feel, and the power of prayer in general!!

the dad thing to do

(Warning, grossness ahead.)

So last night , Mr. A and I took the pups for our normal evening walk. It was not even that hot- a nice, mild sunny evening. We came home, and he wanted hot dogs for dinner, which is nice because that's easy and I'd been cooking meatballs and pulled pork in the afternoon to freeze for when M is here, so something easy/quick was just what I was looking for, too.

But their virtue of quickness also was their downfall, I think. Because they're so quick, dinner was on the table probably less than 20 minutes after we got home. We also had carrot sticks which are also really quick-prep.

We sat right down to eat, and as I was finishing my hot dog, I got that feeling that something wasn't right. I did NOT feel good. I knew what was coming, and I stood up to see if stretching out my torso would help. Didn't really help. I opened the back door to step onto the deck to see if fresh air would help. If I had known it would not help, I would have gone the other direction into the bathroom, but instead, 3 seconds after I stepped outside, I lost 100% of my dinner onto the deck. I guess at least I wasn't still in the kitchen.

I think it was just too much food too fast for my crowded stomach so soon after our walk. I felt kind of bad because of the huge mess on the deck. I knew that it would have to be cleaned up (hosed off) immediately, and that Bert would (disgustingly) still go foraging for any scent of dinner that he could find when we let them out to play after dinner.

Mr. A has a pretty sensitive stomach when it comes to gross things- smells, especially (and the other big one is thought of eating quiche)- his family teases him endlessly about the "I'm about to throw up face" he made one time we were all staying at a cute B&B and they served some kind of quiche/baked egg dish- and I knew he probably had to run into my office to keep from watching me lose a hot dog and some carrot sticks outside. As I was finishing up getting rid of dinner, I heard him coming around the side of the house. I warned him not to come up on the deck, for fear he would lose his dinner, too.

But what is he doing? He is hooking up the hose to the spigot. He is getting ready to clean off the deck. He is saying, it's alright, why don't you go inside and brush your teeth and get some water. He is saying, I will clean this up.

I was floored!! He cleaned up the whole deck without even making his upchuck face, and he kept assuring me it was okay and it's too bad I got sick.

Some women get that warm fuzzy feeling when their husbands bring them roses or make them dinner. What strikes complete admiration into my heart? What Mr. A did last night and knowing that he is going to continue to be an amazing caring husband and will be awesome dad to baby M, even if it means cleaning up messes on the deck that would have sent him running to the hills a few months ago....

Relief

37 weeks tomorrow, folks. Holy camoley.

We are so excited that it is getting to the point where M could come at any time!! The last few days have had several overwhelming there-is-so-much-to-do-before-then moments, though. Those aren't so fun. But Mr. A and I are a good enough team that even if things get a little tense, we just chock it up to the immediacy of the situation, and move on. We are not the most lovey-dovey-PDA couple on the planet, but we are an AMAZING team, and if there is something we need to accomplish together, you better believe we're going to knock it out of the park.

After my last midwife appointment with the high blood pressure issue, I was kind of nervous about this morning's checkup. Especially since, like I said, there were a few times this weekend when I was not exactly calm or collected.

But I practiced some yoga for just about 15 minutes before I got ready to go. Because the midwife last time had indicated that I should be prepared to go to the hospital if any of my subsequent appointments revealed a situation which warranted going, I printed out the dog documents for people who are helping us with the pups when it comes time to meet M, and I printed out the kitchen info sheet that has all our freezer stock lists and favorite recipes and what all freezer meals are going to be available for eating. (Yes, I'm type-A. I'm going to do a post on the meal situation soon!) I got my hospital bag, and said bye to the pups. Who knew when I'd be home again!

Mr. A met me at the office. It was so nice for him to come with me this time (he couldn't make it last time). We talked about how excited he is to be almost done with his lessons to get his pilot's license. We talked about buying a little plane for our family (you know, when we win the lotto). I took some more deep blood-pressure-lowering breaths.

They called me back, and much to my surprise, I've actually lost three pounds in the last 10 days. I hear that sometimes that happens before delivery. Yay! There was no protein in their urine screening. AND, my blood pressure was 130/80!!! Absolute best news of the day. My midwife was going to have me re-do the 24-hr urine catch just to make sure nothing was amiss, but she decided against it because the results from the one last weekend were within the normal range, but mostly because my blood pressure went back down, I have no signs of swelling/water retention, and their urine sample was free of protein. YAY.

I am so relieved, it's hard to describe. I am totally ready to meet M, but I want her to be good and ready and healthy when she comes!! Tomorrow I will be full term, but I'm okay if she bakes another week or two. Just so she decides to come before someone makes her...

And, even though my midwife said that she is very pleased with the blood pressure decrease, she still wants me to take it easy. So I got a note from her that I need to work half days. Since apparently my office is going to treat me like I'm in third grade, I was very excited to get my "hall pass" and you better believe I've already emailed it to my boss and updated my voicemail and email signature and calendar to reflect my reduced-hour schedule.

So, after 1pm, you will find me catching up with friends, cooking meals for when M is here and we want something quick, or watching the afternoon lineup of fo.od network. Better get the lazy days out of the way before there is a baby in my arms!! After all the angst of the last week or so, today is a very very welcomed breath of fresh air.

I am going to bed at 6pm.

It's just one of those days.

I work for a national agency that does not have "maternity leave" per se, in that there is no specific paid time off- whatever leave we take after having a baby has to either be leave we have saved or leave without pay.

Several months ago (I just went back to look for my post on it, and I am flabbergasted that I never wrote an in-law installment on this occurrence), my MIL lectured me on what I was thinking for maternity leave, saying that I could only use 6 weeks of my sick time for time off after the baby. Any extra time had to be vacation time. This assinine policy had never even crossed my mind, and I was so anxious after her lecture that I could barely sleep that night.

Since I have been blessed with good health, of course I have 5 times as much sick time saved as I do vacation time. But I remembered that my boss took quite a while off after her baby, so I just brushed my MIL's tirade off as antiquated policy. My FIL (they both work for the same agency) seemed to agree that MIL had no idea what she was talking about, since now they allow fathers to take up to 12 weeks of time off. So I felt much better.

A few weeks ago, I came up with a plan based on my current available leave balances. This plan included me being totally off for a month, working one day every two weeks for two months, working part time in January, and coming back full time in February. I know that alot of women get considerably less (just the 6 weeks), but I have been dreaming of the day when the sick leave balance takes a major hit because of a baby, and there were alot of times when I thought that day would never get here. What else was I saving sick time for, anyway?

This morning, I had a teleconference with my boss about my maternity leave plans. I emailed her a copy of my master plan (above), and she said it looked fine, and that only 6 weeks of the total hours I was planning on taking off could be categorized as sick time.

Well, then my plan wasn't fine, because in my master plan, the bulk of the hours were going to be sick time hours!! How is that fine?!

Maybe it is totally superficial for me to feel this way, but I feel like my whole happy maternity leave plan just got knocked off its axis, and this has completely ruined my day. Now, in order for me to not go back full time until January, I'll have to work a morning every two weeks in October, one day a week end of October-beginning of December, and part time in December. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but I was so excited about not working and being able to leisurely get ready for Christmas with our new baby without having to worry about regular working!!! Now it's all just disappeared before my eyes.

I am SO frustrated with this policy. I have twice as much sick time as I am being allowed to use right now. What the hell am I supposed to use sick time on, if I can't use it while I'm trying to take care of a newborn!!? My boss says that kids are always sick, and I will be surprised how much sick time I use even after I'm back to "full time", but I don't remember me (or any of my sibs) "always being sick" when we were little.

At this rate, I'm going to retire with eight thousand hours of sick time. I don't think they should be able to tell me I can't use time I have saved up for when I will need time off.

UGH.

I was pretty surprised at how the meeting went- she is usually very easy-going and will often times let rules be bent, but she made no apologies for this policy. She said I could ask my midwife for a note saying that I needed more "sick time" off after the baby, but what are we, in third-freakin'-grade!??!!? I know it's not her fault, but I am just surprised that she wasn't more apologetic, and that kind of bummed me out even more.

THEN I had another meeting with her and another supervisor about an actual case I'm working on, and they decided they didn't quite agree with my position, and would it be possible to do some extra work on the case on the side before we figure out what we're going to do with it?

Oh, sure, that will be just peachy.

THEN, the cleaning people called while I was on the phone with the second meeting, and left a message which didn't show up until 15 minutes after they were supposed to be here for our cleaning estimate. What did it say? They were calling to confirm our estimate appointment. Since I didn't call them back before the estimate time, they never showed up!

AAAAH!!!

So I called them back and rescheduled for 3pm this afternoon, when they actually did show up, but in between the second meeting and 3pm, of course I was grossly unproductive because I was just steaming over this whole leave issue. (The cleaning estimate is higher than Mr. A thought it would be, but at this point, I feel like throwing in the towel on everything. It's only money, right?)

THEN, I am sitting here trying to resume work like I was supposed to be doing all day, and my midwife's number shows up on my phone. I thought, Oh my Lord, if my urine sample was bonkers and they are just calling now to tell me so on today of all days, I am seriously going to lose it.

Luckily, she was just calling to check to see if I'd developed any other clinical symptoms of high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia (which I thought was really sweet of her to call and check), and that my urine jug's protein was within the normal ranges. If my blood pressure is still high on Monday, though, she will probably want to re-run the 24-hr catch. Oh great fun that will be! She did say, though, that she would write me a note that I need to reduce my work hours until the baby is born, which since they will be before I have the baby, do not affect the 6 week limit after she is here, so maybe that will give me some satisfaction as far as taking sick leave to "care" for our little one. So that will be nice. Except she said she wants me to reduce the work hours so I can stay off my feet. And I'm envisioning making tons of freezer meals in my afternoons off...

And I am sure that as worked up as I am about the whole leave fiasco, my blood pressure was not exactly laying low today. Totally sucks.

More Mind (Body) Games

You'd think after the 1-hr glucose test failure, and failing the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr (so technically being okay but of course still getting a complex about it), I'd learn to just let precautionary measures roll off my back without getting all in a tizzy.

Today (35w3d) my blood pressure was on the high side again (140/90), and so my midwife wants me to do the 24-hr urine test. She said their office urine test is completely negative for protein, and if I was in serious pre-eclampsia mode, it would definitely show up, so that is a good thing that their test was negative. Also, my belly measurements continue to be spot on, so she can tell the baby is growing that way, and even when she was checking the heartbeat, she could hear heartbeat accelerations when baby girl was moving and back to normal when she stopped, which she said is very healthy.

And she even told me not to go home and freak out, which of course is the most useless thing she has ever said to anyone on the planet.

So I got to walk out of the office with the embarrassing pee jug, which has taken up residence next to the tea jug in the fridge. I already warned Mr. A to be careful when refilling his glass after dinner...

It's just another instance of where all of a sudden I'm afraid/convinced of the bottom falling out. I'm afraid that the placenta is failing and that baby girl isn't getting the nutrients she needs, and I have convinced myself that at our next appointment, I'll have to be induced and the baby will get stressed out, and I'll have to have a c-section. (I really hope not to offend those who choose to have c-sections or were in a situation where they were necessary- but it is just my preference/dream to have a natural labor and delivery!)

I also had the Group-B strep test today, and so I have convinced myself that will also be positive, so even if I don't have to be induced, I won't get to labor as long as I want to at home because I will need antibiotics. Ugh.

She said it is completely possible that I just get subconsciously stressed on the days of my appointments and that is why it is high (last appointment it went down after I laid on my side a few minutes...but it didn't do that today... but of course by the end of my appointment, I was probably more stressed about all the urine collection info). I guess I hope that is the case- on my appointment days, I don't get to do yoga and the morning routine is just different, so maybe that is it. I don't know. I just want our baby to be healthy and getting what she needs. Why isn't my body cooperating?!?!

And then of course I say that, and I listen to Mr. A reassure me that out of all the procedures we tried that failed and even though I haven't passed every test this pregnancy with flying colors, this pregnancy has actually been pretty damn near perfect. I have been able to keep exercising, I'm not uncomfortable, baby girl looks perfect, and generally there have been zero serious complications, or any complications, since on paper, I passed the 3-hr glucose test. So really, maybe my body is cooperating more than I give it credit for, relative to what many moms go through for their little ones to be born. I stand corrected.

But it still stinks to go to the doctor and feel perfectly fine and get the news that you are not perfectly fine. No one wants to hear that.

So I am pretty much expecting that she will be here before her due date. Which sends me into a whole other mindset of needing to do eight gabillion things in the next week in case on the 12th, she will need to be born. Which of course Mr. A cautions me against getting all stressed out because of the blood pressure issue. Ha!

I will turn in my pee jug tomorrow morning at the hospital and get some bloodwork. They should have the results by tomorrow after dinnertime, and if there are any concerns, I will go in next week for an NST and an ultrasound to check the placenta and fluid levels. It would be cool to see our girl again before she is born, but I just hope she is healthy and happy in there and getting what she needs. I don't want to fail her now! I just keep praying God will bless her with a long and happy and healthy life with our family....

(ETA: You would think that after struggling with infertility, I would have learned that these test results are completely out of my control- just like infertility itself- but somehow, just like with infertility, I keep asking myself what I could have done better or why can't I do this right or what is wrong with me?)