How will I be?

Sometimes I get caught up in the daydream of how I'll be when I find out I'm pregnant and during the 9 months that follow that day. I like to think that I will not forget the path that brought me to the glorious BFP day. At this point, I think there will be a small piece of me that will actually feel sorry that I'm pregnant because I know so many who are struggling to get there, too. I mean, I will probably be speechless with joy and awe, but I cringe to think how I will tell my close friends who also are praying for a little one.

Before I go on, this post is based on an interaction with a friend (ex-friend?), who I will call 'N'. I volleyed with myself back and forth before writing about this, but it really weighs heavy on my heart, and maybe someone else has a similar situation. I don't want it to come off as gossipy, though, so I will do my best to focus mostly on how it's affected me.

N became pregnant last year. Up until that point, her and I were right there together, bolstering each other on Mother's Day, and gasping at how insensitive moms can be to those who haven't been blessed with that title yet. All that changed when she got her positive test. I of course offered my congratulations, but that was all I could muster at that point. I still felt left out and left behind, and it was all I could do to say congratulations!! She was very dissatisfied with my lack of enthusiasm and sent me multiple emails to let me know how hurt she was. I apologized many times, but it has never been the same.

Of course my heart is heavy about this. I know maybe I wasn't as enthusiastic, bouncing-off-the-walls-happy as I should have been, but didn't she remember what it feels like to field pregnancy anno.uncements? I have contacted N a few times during her pregnancy to suggest getting together again and rekindling our friendship, but these offers have been met with vague refusals and responses.

From this experience, I have already flat-out told one of my other close friends walking this road with me that we have to promise to not let this happen with one or the other of us gets pregnant. We cannot let this happen! She wholeheartedly agrees. We have to remember that it's not a race, and whoever gets pregnant first will have to anticipate that the other of us will still feel left out and left behind, but that the obligatory congratulations will be just that....and if they end up being more than just obligatory, great, but nothing more will be expected. It is in this respect that I really almost dread telling her, or receiving her call.

True to the title of my blog, when I become pregnant (or adopt a baby, if God leads us that way), I truly hope I will "remember all the way" that God led me. I don't want to ever hurt anyone who is struggling with infertility, but I think that's a foregone conclusion when I am walking around in the Ta.rget maternity section and I see a young woman scurry by with her head down. I already told Mr. A that I am officially swearing off photo Christmas cards because last Christmas they were definitely a source of sadness for me. I feel like when I'm pregnant, I will want to walk around with a disclaimer poster board that says "even though I'm pregnant, I know how you're hurting" or something!! If we adopt, I feel like I will want to wear a shirt that says "we struggled for so long and then we were blessed by adoption! I know how you feel!". I don't want to just immediately throw off the burden of infertility and forget how much I've struggled with. I don't want to get all fussy if my family first says they want to buy baby something nice and big, and then they renig on the offer because of the economy (yes, that is based on reality of an acquaintance), because, HELLO, I have life within me after so long! Who cares if the baby doesn't have a fancy new whatever, we have been given the gift of new life!!!

I think it will be easy to get caught up in all-things baby and forget how it feels to have everyone moving on ahead of you in the proverbial life stages once I, myself, am moving ahead. I hope I will be gracious and thankful and humble. I hope I will never take our child(ren) for granted or think that they are here because of anything I did. They will be here because of GOD, and He will be praised for the awesome creator He is!!

Peaceful Surrender

In all the excitement and relaxation of the camping trip, and during my busy last two days at work, I have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be (I think) well on my way of detaching or surrending my sense of anxiety and worry about having a baby to God's will for our family. Maybe it's just that my mind has been way more occupied with things that are actually going on around me. And sure, I still pine for a positive pregnancy test and to welcome home our first baby on January 16, 2010 (ha! gotta love the online due date cal.culators!). But I have not worried about it since last Thursday! I have a crazy peace that if God's will includes a baby for us this month, He will make it happen. We did our best and offer our marriage and all we hope for our family to God.

I have been wondering, though, if this is a sign of weakness in perseverance or in my zeal for trying. It's not like I am apathetic now; I still very much hope and pray for a biological baby. I try to remind myself that Jesus surrendered Himself to God's will, too, and I think we should be encouraged by His example that surrendering to God's will and putting what we think should be happening aside is a very powerful way of following Jesus. Of course I will still go to my RE appointment (5/21, by the way) and see if he thinks my OB missed something; we will take the RE's recommendations and compare them with the boundaries Mr. A and I have set for ourselves as far as infertility treatment goes; I will still use my monitor and get an almost hilarious excitement when I see the little egg symbol!; I will still take my vitamins....

But I won't obsessively take my temp at 6am (especially on the weekends!)- after almost 5 years of that between avoiding and trying, I think I am due a break-; I won't be interested in babymaking activities only when babymaking could happen; I won't pitch a hissy fit if our timing isn't perfect; I won't come up with some crazy way our timing could be perfected if it is looking like some event will get in the way; I won't think that if I could just make sure we get together on xyz days, we will surely have a better shot at the baby.

I am not ruler of the universe, after all!

I am going to try to keep this surrender thing going as long as I can. It is kind of refreshing! I was talking to my mom (who is ironically very in-favor of us going to the RE, despite her opinions on ART) who was saying that she hopes they find something wrong that is easily fixable. I told her flat out that my gut feeling is that there is nothing wrong and it just hasn't been God's time for us to become parents yet. Recently that is honestly how I feel. (I could be wrong, though!) God has taught me alot along this road, and for that I am really thankful and grateful. If He hadn't led us on this path, I don't think I would have ever had such an appreciation of His love and mercy for us- not to mention what it feels like to feel empty and sad while professing my trust in God's plan and knowing deep down that He has already scooped me up and is letting me be crumpled and crying in His safe hands.

New piece of info about me, I volunteer at a cris.is pregnancy center. The other day, I witnessed my first-ever ultrasound. WOW. I work with another lady who has 3 kids, and she excitedly encouraged me that if I hadn't seen one before, I should go watch because they are so cool!!!! Hmph, how could I be gloomy gus at that?! I stood there in the room watching the u/s monitor, in complete awe that this girl who wasn't even showing yet had this little baby with arms and legs and a heartbeat who was swimming around inside her! I am still in awe that for some people, making kiddos is so effortless and so taken for granted. Of course, the women we see don't take it for granted in the sense that I'm thinking since they have the complete opposite perspective on the whole situation, but I guess in a way, that in itself is taking the miracle of creation for granted. I didn't even think to be sorry for myself because I was so caught up in how cool it was (my covolunteer was right!). I did definitely think (more than once), gosh, please let this be me someday. But in keeping with how I've been feeling lately, I was really calm about it and just gave up any temptation to feel sorry for myself-- I am pretty sure it will be me someday, and that the "when" is just not up to me!

I'm now 2dpo, and due to start my period on Mothe.r's Day. I tell you, God must think I am some kind of superhuman with superfaith or something! In the last year, I have gotten my period on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Ha! I give all the heartache about this over to God and ask Him to change it to joy. I beg Him to give us the desires of our hearts, but I have a peaceful feeling that it is okay to trust God with this right now. We'll see how I'm doing in 2 weeks (haha), but hopefully I will still be blessed with this. It's certainly been a long time coming!

Finally Back!

Hi! Thanks for all the comments to have a great trip- we certainly did!! It is such a huge blessing how the 6 of us get along so great, because I know there are siblings and relative respective significant others who either really do not like each other's company. I hope our kids and their spouses get along as well as my sisters and theirs and us!! (I should note that my brother who's still in college would have loved to come along, too, but there are those pesky exams....)

I was trying to compose a post, but I am too scatterbrained to be coherent! A picture of Banana from our camping trip will have to do for now! (Edited to add that we did get back on Sunday, but I've had two crazy busy days at work!)

God's Participation

This weekend, we have a long-standing camping trip with my two sisters and their respective other halves (one husband, one husband-material). We are really excited- the 6 of us get along great, and we are so thankful that we all live within a 3 hour drive of each other so we can do things like this! It will be Banana's first camping trip (with us)- we hope she likes it!

Of course, since it is right around my projected peak time, I am mildly worrying about how we are going to time things right in the baby-making department with only a thin layer of tent material separating us from them!! HA!

So last night, I am having my nightly conversation with God and making sure He knows that He has to bring me and Mr. A together at exactly the right time if this is His month to bless us. Duh, I think He knows! But this got me thinking even more about the age-old discussion about when we should take charge of a situation and act, or when we need to wait on God's participation. Of course there are extremes to this discussion: people who are sick but don't take medicine because they believe God will heal them without it....then way over to people who live their life as if God has no participation in it at all. I think the rest of us find that we'll struggle at least once in our lives with where we sit on the continuum of this concept.

I think most people would like to be squarely in the middle. You know, they would like to pray about what to do, God gives them some kind of nudge in a certain direction, and off they go skipping down that road. For myself right now, though, I feel myself tilting towards the end where I can't find God's participation and I'm tempted to act all by myself. The problem with that, though is that just because I can't find God's participation doesn't mean He's not here. It is like having my own personal Ci.vil Wa.r in my head: one side says "hello, you believe that God is acting, whether you can see it or not!" and the other side says "nevertheless, you can't sit around doing nothing, waiting for God to sweep down like Sup.erman!!".

The local Christian radio station is having their annual fundraiser this week, so every time I'm in my car, I hear them saying "You know, we just ask that you pray about how much God would have you give. Just ask God, how much would You have me give to this ministry?" And every time, I can't help but wonder what kind of preferred customer of God these people are, that they can ask God for a specific dollar amount to give, and He gives them feedback!!! Wow!!! How do I sign up for that?!

So anyway, back to the camping situation at hand, I think this time trusting that God has it all under control will win out. I don't want to come up with some convoluted, complicated plan for how to insure proper and exact timing because deep down, I don't want that to be the focus and concern of our weekend. (And, really, who am I to decide what is proper and exact timing anyway? I have thought we've done well so far in this respect, and no baby yet!) God has blessed me with two beautiful, wonderful sisters and the men in their lives, and a phenominal husband, and a peaceful, amazing place to live. I think He'd want me to immerse myself in all of this, and if He chooses to participate in a baby-creative way this weekend, then that's His prerogative.

Holey Signs and Doors

Have you ever been somewhere (e.g., waiting room, grocery store register line, happy hour, farmer's market) and you meet someone who is telling you waaaay more information than you expected from a complete stranger?! This happened to me recently....

This woman was telling me how she has had a super hectic couple of weeks because her husband (now they're separated) held a gun to her head while their toddler son slept in the next room, and she said "that's it, I'm gone!". She said "I said to God at that moment, 'Lord, if this is the path that You have me on, You need to show me some signs and open some doors for me to get out of this situation.' And within 12 hours, I had a car, and a place at a local shelter to go to!" I obviously gasped at the scene of the abuse and praised God with her for what He had opened up for her. But it got me thinking...how many times have I asked God to give me a sign or open some huge door to show me the way?

We heard about Thomas on Sunday. Good ol' Thomas, disciple of Jesus who for whatever reason, was absent one day when everyone else was together. Someone should have told him not to play hooky that day!! When he heard what went on at the get-together, he thought for sure someone was pulling his leg, and for that completely human reaction, he has forever been branded "Doubting Thomas" and his name carries with it the somewhat negative overtone of someone who doesn't have enough faith (based on how the story has always been presented to me when I was growing up).

I think my perspective of all-things Scriptural has been enhanced and/or altered (depending on the day, haha!), because this story and our pastor's homily really struck me this year. Our pastor noted that it is kind of unfair for us to look upon Thomas like he had soooooo little faith, because all he was asking for was a sign that his Lord had been risen. Who among us hasn't asked for a sign from our Risen Lord? The woman I met recently begged God to give her a sign and open some doors for her, and luckily for her, His will included just such an intervention at this time in her life! I know I have asked for so many signs along this IF road that, if my "doubting" were to color my reputation for the rest of eternity, I would be seriously in trouble!!

Of course (in the Bible story), once Thomas is in the right place at the right time, Jesus again shows up and presents His wounded hands and holey side to Thomas, and I think poor Thomas must have felt a little meek. Can you imagine the other disciples around him? "Told you so, dude!!" Jesus goes on to say "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe." GULP.

Our pastor also pointed out that, just as the proof that Thomas wanted was not pretty or beautiful, the proof that God might present to us may not be pretty or beautiful either. We may ask God to give us a sign, open some doors, and show us what path we should take to parenthood, but it may include hardships and painful things. Maybe even though we think it will be easier if God shows us a sign or opens a door, it would be better for us to just believe that He IS risen, and He DOES love us more than we know, and that we have only to trust in HIM to turn our night into day.

I know I will still ask for and look for signs and open doors, especially about when we will conceive and how long it will be until that happens. I like to think I have a little bit of both worlds. I believe in God's goodness without any physical burning bush, but as a wobbly human being, I long to see God flinging open the door to motherhood or sending me a mother duck and 5 little gooslings toddling along my road the morning before I test and get a BFP! I totally "get" how Thomas felt, and I'm thankful that Jesus was so gracious to him in the end, giving the rest of us the example that even though it is great and very admirable to believe without seeing, it is okay to have some doubts along the way and need some signs to bolster our faith.

In the Meantime

The other day, I was talking to a friend who is just starting her infertility journey. We had both just started new cycles and were commiserating on another month gone by. She told me "at least if you never become a mom, you're still an awesome person". What?! If I never become a mom!??! I teased her that I'm in denial, that of course I'll be a mom someday!! She went on to say that it's her way of dealing with the situation; her way of not letting the quest for motherhood completely take over and color the rest of her life.

Even though I teased her that I'm in denial, I am cognitively aware that no one has promised me a child, and that there is a possibility that God will call us to praise Him even while we live, possibly for the rest of our lives, child free. But somehow, I believe in my heart that God has called me to be a mom, and I really believe there will be a day when I can tell Mr. A that he's going to be a dad! So what do I do in the meantime, to not let my quest for motherhood completely take over and color the rest of my life? Or maybe let's say these are things I try to do...I am only human!!

KEEP PERSPECTIVE
This one is by far the hardest thing I (try to) do in the meantime. When we first started trying for a baby (and admittedly some of the more recent cycles, too, for some reason) I spent the last few days of the two week wait thinking that this cycle is the one where God has blessed us. The last cycle was particularly hard in this respect because it was right before Easter and everyone was talking about new life this and new hope that. What's a girl to do but hitch her wagon to that train?! Honestly though, after going on and on to God about how I hoped and believed in His goodness and blessing in the baby department, I begged him for mercy and grace in the event that I had not conceived and the strength to praise Him without one. Turns out, He came through- grace and mercy have definitely been hanging around the last few days. ANYWAY, the perspective I try to keep is that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, as long as I hand this sorrow over to Him and let Him turn it to joy. Maybe it feels like waiting two weeks after ovulation is an eternity and I won't be able to make it another round, but to God, it's just a blink of an eye, and although He does know the intimate details of my life, He wants me to keep my eyes focused on Him and His goodness, and not worrying and fretting (too much, haha) if this particular cycle didn't (or doesn't) work out. He's got it all under control.

PRAYER
Every day me and Banana go on 2 40-minute walks. And every day I use this time to pray for everyone I can think of, and especially for those whom I've promised to pray. When I focus on praying for others, it helps me to take the focus of myself and the same-old, same-old prayer request of mine. Also, especially when my prayers for others include prayers of thanksgiving for good in their lives, it is uplifting to my heart about my own requests. I also pray for our own requests/thanksgivings, even when I don't really feel like it.

RELAXING
Hey wait a minute, I thought relaxing was supposed to bring babies.... Truthfully, Mr. A has alot to do with this because somehow he has reached a place where he has accepted 100% that it just hasn't been our time yet and there is no use being sad and messing up our Easter (um, for example....) just because we were hoping for a different outcome. So, we plant and tend to our little veggie garden and flower patches, go on motorcycle rides, watch Ne.tflix movies, play with Banana, spontaneously make breakfast for dinner, and generally enjoy the life that we have been blessed with at this moment in time. Mr. A definitely keeps me grounded about this journey, and I am so thankful for his leadership and poise as the head of our family.

......Of course that is assuming there is something coming up, because if not, right now is not exactly a "meantime", but I'll just assume at some point down the road, a little one will be bopping around here in footie pajamas.

Housekeeping

No, not that kind of housekeeping! I don't want to let you all in on the fact that I've been putting off the load of white laundry for a few days now....

The misfit asked me what my test results are at, so here goes, along with some other notes. When I write them all out, it doesn't seem like we've been tested that much, but I guess we are sort of at the beginning of the testing road I think. All the "normal" results are according to my ob/gyn, and I keep forgetting to ask for the actual numbers...

• Mr. A's SA- normal
  
• I've had bloodwork for thyroid, estradiol, and progesterone- all of those levels are normal
• HSG- I had a fussy left tube but the report says that the dye eventually moved through it spilled. Right tube is a-okay.
• Via temping, I have a good shift post-ovulation and a good LP (12-13 days). No spotting pre-cycle day 1, and once it arrives, it's good healthy-looking flow right from the start.

I haven't been tested for FSH, and also the thyroid and estradiol were tested for on a different cycle than progesterone, and I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not. We also haven't been tested for the clotting thing. I'm hoping that if we're referred to the RE (more on that in a sec), he'll run these for us.

My doctor is consulting with the RE he most closely works with about our case. Doctor says that he'll see if the RE can recommend some other tests to run or something doctor can do preliminarily, but otherwise, doctor will refer us to the RE. Doctor also said we could move right to a lap, but he said that if it were his wife, he'd want to see if there was some obscure hormone that was wrong first (that could be fixed easily) before moving right to surgery (even though apparently it is a fairly "easy" surgery, as surgeries go?). And Mr. A and I agree with that sentiment. Doctor said he'll get back to me early this coming week about his conversation with the RE.

I am feeling better about seeing the specialist- thanks for all your reassurance! I'm hoping that somehow doctor missed something that is off with my body/hormones that can be easily fixed. Don't we all, I guess!

One of those (good) days

Today is one of those that are few (very few) and far between where I am not so burdened with our lack of baby(ies). Maybe because it is a beautiful beautiful spring day, but whatever it is, I'll take this day as a respite from the storm.

I had lunch with Mr. A's brother and parents (we all get along great), and we were all happily looking forward to our family vacation at the beach in early June. Happily remembering the fun times from last year, and figuring out who is bringing what to eat and drink this year. Happily wondering what the new beach will be like, compared to the place we went the last 2 years. I am somehow happily not even considering that I might be in the bloated stage of the first trimester and that I'll look normal (haha, I was going to say "good", but I have been slacking on the ab workouts!! haha!) in my bathing suit. We had a wonderful happy uplifting lunch, and that has really boosted me up for at least (hopefully) the remainder of the day, and for that I am humbly thankful.

Of course, any other normal day, I would be frantically trying to pull up my mental calendar (what is it, like 2 months away still?!) and trying to figure out what cycle day we'll be leaving and coming home and how that will affect our timing.... or wondering if we're there during my two week wait, should I have a beer (or two....) or not, in case we had conceived?! .... or wishing that we'd be pregnant by then so I could make cute plans on how to announce that we're expecting... or declaring the battle over before it's begun and wallowing in self-pity that conception is never going to happen for us.

See why I'm milking today for all it's worth!?

I will take this day as a gift from God, a little shower of mercy, amidst the torrential downpour of doubt and worry that often beats me up. Of course, deep down, I'm still longing for our first little one, but I think God gives me days like this to show me He hasn't forgotten about me. Not simply the weather (because He knows I am a sucker for rainbows and beautiful sunrises!). He hasn't forgotten that we're aching, He wants me to remember my bad day(s) earlier this week and SEE what a beautiful blessing today is AFTER that bad time, and He wants me to remember this lesson on my next bad day! (Let's see if I pass that test!)

Hindsight

Don't you wish plain ol' sight was 20/20, and not just hindsight?

I had another post in the making, but this one came to me instead, begging to be let out of my brain. It will be the first of many on my apparent inability to hear what God is trying to tell me. I don't know what my deal is- I think I am being objective and faithful and contemplative and all that, but I have never interpreted correctly, that I can remember. At least not at the time when I'm trying to interpret! Maybe a week later I can see more clearly, which is exactly what happened this time, too.

Don't you wish that God still spoke using burning bushes or giant smoke screens and pillars of fire to show His people something? "Hello there little daughter of mine, follow me, I'm over here behind the huge burning object!!" I would like to hope I could pick out the burning object from the normal objects and know exactly where to go to follow God and His path for me. Alas, since He has stopped using these tangible signs for a while now (other than, of course, sending His Son to earth), we seek Him in the Bible and in encounters with everything that surrounds us. Or at least I do. Or at least I try to.

Getting to the point, the week leading up to Easter was brutal on my God-seeking. There I found myself, eagerly wanting to walk through Holy Week with Jesus, culminating with His ultimate sacrifice on Good Friday and celebrating the pinnacle of Christianity on Easter Sunday. There I found myself, in the last half of the two week wait, knowing in only a few more days, I'd know without a doubt if God had allowed life to be created within me. I wanted so badly to feel a closeness with God, for Him to let me in on a secret that was within me, that I couldn't see yet. I read Scripture every day; led to Scripture that was all about new life and new hope and new joy. Could it be? Was God trying to speak to me?! I prayed that God would not keep leading me to these life and hope and joy Scriptures if He hadn't created new life within me. Yet the very next day it was more of the same. I was so wary of this...

I would pray on my walks with Banana, and on Holy Saturday in particular the sunrise was breathtaking. I'm talking about a sunrise where the sun is so beautiful and radiant that you feel like you're the only one watching. I think I want so much to hear God that sometimes I read a little too much into the beauty of His creation. And since I'm human and weak, that's exactly what (I think) pushed me over the edge into thinking that maybe, just maybe, we would be expecting a little Christmas bundle of joy.

And now (in hindsight) all of this seems so silly. But does it? Isn't God's Word meant to show us the way? Don't we hear stories of how God acts in our world today? Doesn't God touch our lives through others? Don't some people see everything fall into place and know that God is working? Couldn't that have happened for me, too? Couldn't it?!

Not this time, says God.

Here's what I see in hindsight, which I hope is a more "big picture" view of it all and hopefully closer to 20/20. First, of course God promises new life and new hope and new joy in Scripture because that is what Jesus offers us if we believe in Him. DUH! And, to be fair to myself, I knew that last week, too, I just wanted to think that the readings ALSO had a more physical tangent at the time. Second, in a very real way, Easter Sunday did bring new hope because what more is the beginning of a new cycle?! A new cycle and a new chance to conceive! A getting rid of the old and worn out, and a replacing with new and vibrant! It is something I've really felt called to think about during these first days of this new cycle. It is a real shame my interpretation of this kind of stuff is always 3 days behind, haha.

A very good Christian friend of mine seems to have a spot-on connection with God. She somehow has the incredible fortune of reading particular Scripture or being in particular situations, and knowing what God is trying to tell her, and (here's the thing that makes my jaw drop) she is always right about the message! I know! I told her once that I was envious of that capability of hers and she told me that she asked God to "slam her into a brick wall" about xyz situation we were discussing. Ha! I have since asked God to do the same for me, but He seems a little more hesitant to play with my personal safety, I guess!

I feel very fortunate for this time of infertility because it has been an opportunity to accept the faith that God has given me and allowed to grow during the last couple of years. I hope that He'll continue to mold and form me and maybe give me some pointers on how to hear Him better, so that I don't always miss the message at the particular time and not "get it" until 3 days later. You know, God, you can shoot me an email anytime...

Who knows

My poor mom. Ever since I told her about our trying, she has been great about being supportive and respectful of my wish that she not broadcast our "issues" to her whole family. I know this is hard for her, and I know they'd be happy to pray for our poor souls, but I don't really want my uncles, for example, to know that we are trying and it isn't working, since you know, the trying involves pretty personal stuff! Ha! I mean everyone knows where babies come from, and if you announce that you're pregnant, they are ALL going to know how that happened, but I feel like it's another thing for them to mull over the fact that we've been trying and it hasn't worked yet. I know it's killing her not to tell them, because as she reminds me, "they'd love to pray for you- more people praying, you know!" Yes...more people....

Sometimes I wonder if we should be so hesitant in broadcasting our situation. I mean, I truly believe in prayer and maybe it would be comforting to know that more people are praying for us. Hmph. It's such a thin fence to be on, and on some days I lean forward and on other days I lean backwards.

Here's who knows and has graciously (to our best knowledge) held it in confidence: My parents, Mr. A's parents, my sisters, my previous spiritual director, our pastor, my paternal grandmother, 2 of my coworkers, 3 of my best college friends, and 4 of our post-college friends. I think that's it. And, of course, some online buddies that I've met up with along this road....

Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 best college friends have been fairly to moderately unsupportive, not because they are mean but because they both had their own babies easily and they have no idea what it's like to be me. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side, though. I think children are 100% no doubt about it the most awesome gift ever, while one of these friends is jealous I have time for gardening. Really? What time of pulling weeds and transplanting perennials I wouldn't give up in a split second to have to change a dirty diaper... I have thought of disclosing what I'm going through to the rest of my college pals, but I have, for the time being, decided against it because I don't want to offend those who already have kids. I pray that none of the rest of them have to deal with infertility, and for the reason that I maybe be a support to them is why I considered telling them. Oh well- maybe another time will present itself for me to spill the beans...

I have also thought of who will know when (yes, when) we find out we're expecting. I go back and forward of wanting to wait for a couple weeks to tell anyone, to thinking we could tell family right away. Honestly I think it will have to do with the timing of it all in general- if we're going to be seeing whichever relative in two weeks, why not wait and tell them in the flesh!? We will just have to see when baby A shows up :)

Oh, I also wanted to introduce Banana, our doggie, to our blog story! She knows about our struggles, and luckily she doesn't mind licking up some tears every now and then. We got her from a rescue group last year, and she has been such a blessing to have around. Most especially because of the consistency she brings with every sunrise. 12dpo? Who cares, she wants to play frisbee! CD2? Who cares, it's still the same frisbee! Ah, the life of a dog!

(breaking news, of the somber sort)... Mr. A's family dog passed away last night. She was old and definitely not in great health, but she had been a member of their family for almost 10 years. His mom was at their vacation house last night, and when we found out this morning and I called her to express my condolences, she had no idea! Talk about foot in my mouth!! Keeping them in my thoughts today...

What am I doing here?!

Never thought I'd start a blog, but I am going to see how I like it and go from there! I had a quasi-online journal in another location, but I am looking forward to the anonymity here instead. There is alot that goes through my mind on a day-to-day basis about my walk towards motherhood (parenthood, with Mr. A), and hopefully this will be a good place to come and let it all out.

I really do try my best to be thankful for the many blessings that we've been given in life, notwithstanding our hearts' longing for the biggest blessing of all that is still off in the distance somewhere. I think the perspective that comes from being a Christian AND going through infertility definitely has its benefits, and honestly I'm not sure how I'd do walking this road if I didn't think someone "up there" was watching out for me and scooping me up if I am in a crumpled mess on the floor. That being said, it's been a huge test of faith the last year or so, praying with all our hearts to be blessed with our first child and not so much as a whisper has come our way. At least not that I can recognize anyway. I really struggle with "hearing" God (I have so much to say on that that it could probably be several posts' worth!), and I pray daily that I will get better at that activity.

As for where we stand right now, we are saving for adoption (domestic infant) and hoping to have that account stocked and ready to bleed by December. We are still praying, though, that God might turn His face towards us and allow us to conceive our first child this year instead. After three quarters of a year getting tested by my obgyn, I have a followup appointment with him this Thursday, and I think we'll be getting referred to an RE. To put it bluntly, I am devastated, but I hesitate to say that in too many circles for fear of offending anyone who has conceived using artificial means. I think it is just emotional devastation from the realization that something is simply not working right and if we were Mr. & Mrs. Ca.veman, it would just be the two of us and no little ca.vemen's running around chasing wolly mammoths. I guess I am thankful that there is medicine/tests available these days to try to figure out what the problem is...

I used to think we wouldn't be open to even starting down what could be a slippery "specialist" path, but after a tough Easter (try starting your period when you wake up on Easter morning!), I think we would at least like to see what they have to say. So here goes...