Saturday, March 03, 2012

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

  • My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
  • I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
  • I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
  • My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  • I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  • With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
  • I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
  • Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
  • I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
  • On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
  • Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)


Coco said...

Well, first I'll tell you that mothers with infants generally don't exercise, for all the reasons you've stated, unless their baby is an AWESOME sleeper or they have amazing resilience to go on 3 hours of sleep and then get up early to work out. I'm glad you've gotten up to cooking again though! And sleeping through the night is SERIOUS cause for celebration!

It's not selfish to want another baby. I understand why you feel that, but wanting to love and care for another baby is the opposite of selfish. I'm sorry your sister had such a sad reaction. It's so hard when someone close to you tells you things like that. I want to shake them. And yes, it's ridiculous that they choose to vent those feelings while talking to an IFer. So hard.

Ashley said...

Disclaimer.. I don't know you or your sister at all but coming from a non-IFer with a BFF with IF...
could she have felt bad that it came so easy to her after you had to struggle so hard... maybe that colored her delivery of the news to you... maybe she really is very excited on the inside but afraid to show it? just a thought.

Also... as a full time working mom... you are very blessed to be in the situation you are in... being able to work at home and be off work for so long. I know you know this :)

the misfit said...

That's interesting - I usually expect fertiles to be ECSTATIC (because they are innocent of all the difficulties) and infertiles to have more mixed reactions to pregnancy. If I got pregnant, I would be certain that the baby would die early in the pregnancy (there is medical reason to expect this), and even if not, I would have mixed feelings because after all this my view of pregnancy and motherhood has become so complicated. Whereas my fertile girlfriends have a sort of lighthearted innocence about it with which I can no longer identify at all. Since that gets under my skin (because it underscores not just that they can have kids, but that I've lost so much innocence as a result of this) I would probably prefer a more flat-affect pregnancy announcement :). But that's me, and as we know, I'm a little weird.

I have to say - obviously I don't know this from personal experience, but from extensive observation, being back to pre-pregnancy weight, working full time, and cooking every night (which I haven't done since I started working full time!) when your baby is FIVE MONTHS old sounds like an Olympic achievement. I think you should devote five minutes of that extra hour to recognizing what you've already accomplished and being so impressed with yourself. It's easy for us to see all the things we haven't done, but take the accomplishments for granted, and you shouldn't do that, because those are MAJOR.

Praying for Hope said...

Exercising is a tough one. I workout one weekends while baby girl is napping (the one long nap she takes per day now helps) and I walk up and down steps with my Kindle over lunch at work (seven flights - getting quite a bit of Little Women read). I also try to fit in five minutes her and there where I can, usually just before my shower. It's not much, but it's the best I can do right now. Any little bit helps.

I know you'll enjoy all the time you have with Maryanne now. I admit that I've thought about another baby (although I know it's not happening), but I very, very, very much appreciate all the uninterrupted time I'm able to devote to Kathleen. I like always being able to be there for her when she needs me. That's one big benefit to having a single child.

Lady Grey said...

Wow, so many things to think about. I don't think you need to feel bad about wanting another baby, it is perfectly normal and expected, and I would be the same! Sorry about your Sister, that is a bit tough to watch :(

Congrats on getting back to the cooking, that must be a lovely feeling!

Stephanie said...

I struggle with the thoughts of another baby too. For whatever reason I just have it in my head that there WILL be another baby. Not sure why I'm so confident since we struggled getting pregnant the first time. Then my struggle is when...I can't imagine being pregnant right now and not being able to give Chloe my full attention, but on the other hand I WANT to be pregnant again. Maybe not now, I don't know when really. Oh the joys of being an adult, and now a mom. :)