Out of practice, I suppose.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

GEEZ.  I guess I really need to get back to blogging because apparently the whole point of my last post was lost on everyone.  Or at least everyone who decided to comment.  Surely there is at least one reader who understood what I was trying to say?

Which was....I am sad that my sister's pregnancy will be yet another thing we don't connect about.

Yes, she is handling it differently.  Yes, she has yet to tell a soul (for those of you who were confused- I think it is a little weird to wait until 13 weeks to tell close family, and I think it is even weirder to not have told them by 17 weeks).  Yes, she doesn't want to go shopping.  Yes, that is her prerogative.  Yes, I can't understand how or why she is acting this way (misfit, I have often wondered if the baby has a problem or if they are having marital dismay over this new development, but if anything is amiss, they aren't letting anyone know (par for the course!)).

But the bottom line is that I am just bummed out.  We have never really "clashed" (okay, maybe once last year before Easter), but in general, we are just not alike, and it is a disappointment to me that our differences do not really "attract" but instead they make me feel boring, lame, and pretty much like a transparent bystander in her life.  They have so many friends and hobbies and activities going on, and while we live 30 minutes away, they do not call us to see if we'd like to join them doing whatever it is that they're doing.   She could probably say that we don't invite them to do anything either, but we don't really "do" much anyway  (see?  I feel so lame...), so it would just be coming over to our house, which we invite them all the time, but they usually have other fancy plans already!

When we moved here 4 years ago, I thought that we would hang out all the time.  That October, I had mentioned that I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch.  Imagine my heartache when her cell phone pocket dialed me....while they were at the pumpkin patch with his sister.  For 5 long minutes, I listened and I cried.  The next day, I called her and asked her why she didn't invite us to go with them.  She didn't have an answer.  I had to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations:  Just because we lived close didn't mean we'd be close or that they would incorporate us into their lives.  It took months for me to get over this.

I am waiting for the day (sometime soon, I imagine) when her cell phone pocket dials me again.  This time she will be gleefully registering at BRU with her college friends.  I will listen for 5 minutes and cry.

No matter how rosy the future might look all y'all commenters who think I'm just an awful mean sister,  it's time for me to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations again.  Just because we will both have little babies close in age doesn't mean we'll be close or that they will incorporate us into their lives.  It will take a long time for me to get over this.

But that's why I'm bummed.  When I first found out, I had hoped that this time would be different.  Maybe this similarity would be the thing that bridged our differences.  But no, it's just more of the same story.

I know that alot of people aren't close with their siblings, and it's no big deal to them.  But I can't keep teasing myself that she and I will be close someday.  I was thinking about it today while walking the dogs, and it's sort of like that book/movie "He's just not that into you".  At some point, I have to admit that she's just not that into me and move on.

And for the 50th time this post, I'll say that it's just sad.  And that was the point of my last post.  No haters this time, okay?

Grieving being mamas together

Saturday, April 21, 2012

What?  You thought I'd never post again?  Well I thought I'd return with a head splitting deep thought whammy....

As you all know, my sister is pregnant.  Without trying and/or unplanned, however you choose to categorize it.  She is now in her 17th week, and has not told any of our extended family.  At first, they said they were going to wait until 13 weeks (don't get me started; I know the risk of miscarriage goes down, but hello, it's not like making it to 13w guarantees you a baby on your due date- there are tons of heartbreaking late loss mamas to testify to this...), but they have continued to drag their feet and keep this amazing news stuffed away.  They would like the world to believe they are a fancy, worldly, cultured couple whose lives are filled to the brim with amazingly exciting things all the time.  So they do alot of traveling and entertaining, and yes their weekends are chock full of activities, and maybe I am super lame, but it seems simply exhausting to me and with the bulk of "look what we're doing", the vibe is starting to seem fairly for-the-sake-of-showing-off.  But, my point is that when I ask her when they are going to tell people, she starts making excuses: "well not this weekend, we are throwing a party for X", "well not this week because I'm travelling for work", and on and on.  I think it is fairly sad that they can't take a half hour out of their super amazing lives to share the news of their baby with their family, for pete's sake.

She was not "excited" in the beginning.  Everyone told me to give her time- that she would warm up to the idea.  So here we are, months later, and she may have warmed up 0.5 degrees, if I'm generous. 

I have asked her no less than 25 times if she wants to go maternity clothes shopping, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't need clothes yet.  I reminded her that last year when I went in April, I bought stuff that was too big for me until August or September.  She keeps saying she doesn't need the clothes.  OMG!  How can she not want to go shopping for maternity clothes?!  I know she doesn't need them yet, but throw me a bone girl, just go try some on for this summer! 

I keep asking her what sort of prep they are doing for the baby.  Her answer?  They are planning on tiling their kitchen backsplash, tiling their bathroom floor, and installing a fan above their shower.  Oh wait, did you miss the baby things?  So did I.  Okay fine, maybe they are "nesting" but let's not forget the whole POINT of nesting which is to get ready for the BABY.  They are not, for example, fixing up the baby's room.  The closest thing they have come to even getting near the baby's room is "looking through some files" in there. 

So, to all who told me that she would warm up and that this would be so fun for us to be able to share pregnancy and baby talk, I give up.  I thought I was over this, but I don't think I am.  I am seriously grieving swapping baby advice and experiences, but most of all, I think I am grieving (in advance) of being moms together.  One of my favorite bloggers just found out her sister is pregnant, and she did the cutest post about it.  I about cried when I considered how different my relationship with my sister is (and realistically, will be).  She does not call me to ask what I thought about whatever baby product, or if I want to come help her clean out the baby's closet, and I do not think she will call me to ask about breastfeeding advice or sleeping trouble or any other thing about their baby.  She will not call me to see if we want to plan activities for the kids together- it will always be their family apart from ours.  (I know in theory our kids will be a year apart, but I don't think the kids will see each other more than I saw my cousins who lived several states away.  They don't involve us in their life now, and I can't tease myself anymore that it will change once they have a baby.)  It is really breaking my heart.

Full disclosure:  I hope their baby is a boy.  I don't want to have to share Maryanne's precious stuff with someone who could care less.  I am already grieving being moms together, much less being moms of girls together.

Our other sister and I are supposed to throw her shower in August.  At this point, I honestly do not know how I am going to do it.  How do you throw a shower for someone who would rather not celebrate their pregnancy, when the whole point of a shower is to celebrate the pregnancy!??!  Don't even waste your breath telling me that by THEN she will be really happy about it. 

I keep telling myself to just not ask her questions, to just let her humdrum along like she is apparently content to do.  I have tried.  But I can't.  I still call her and ask her about her baby, knowing I will hang up feeling hurt and disappointed and ostracized. 

Maybe this is how the fertile world is.  It was no big deal to get pregnant, so it is no big deal to be pregnant.  I think that is really shameful.  They can get all hyped up about all kinds of other things, but when it comes to the getting stoked about the baby that they are carrying, they just blow it off: no biggie, whatever.  It literally makes me want to cry.

As much as I'm grieving, I'm also very thankful that God is merciful.  I honestly do not think I could have survived her apathy if we hadn't had been blessed with Maryanne already.  We are so grateful for her, and just as we have done since the second the pee stick dried, we will continue to emphatically and excitedly rejoice in her presence and the fact we get to be her parents.