Secondary Infertility

I have been doing some thinking lately about what the point of blogging is at this point.  I still want to write in this space, but I find that I don't identify well with alot of regular mommy blogs (even many former-IF mommy blogs)- too perfect, too organized, having more kids easily (even many of my IF friends!).  I'm also not a regular infertile/waiting for a baby blogger either- because I did miraculously conceive M.

And so I was thinking that maybe I could seek out a secondary infertility bunch of people, but it has been kind of difficult to find such a group.  I've searched all manner of permutations of blog and/or wordpress and secondary infertility, and I just get a handful of results- some blogs that are not actively posted on anymore- but mostly just articles.  I want the guts of the struggle in honest bring-you-to-your-knees blog style, not some over-edited and rosy-looking conclusion paragraph!

Secondary infertility doesn't occupy my life as primary infertility did, but it is still there.  I don't want to dwell on it, but I can't deny that I wish we could another baby to our family.  I am beyond grateful to have M in our family, and she is over and above "enough" for us.  I just get a little tug at the heartstrings when I think of her growing up without a sibling, and that is a big reason why my heart longs for another baby. 

I know we can do our best to fill her life with good friends and fun activities and us, the doting-est parents ever, but what am I going to say when she asks for a brother or sister.  "Um, we've been trying ever since you were born." 

I just had a long conversation tonight with a friend of mine who's been trying to conceive since a miscarriage in April.  She had no problems conceiving her first two kids, and her miscarriage sadly opened her eyes to the world of reproductive heartbreak.  She is longing for another baby, and with several friends having conceived between then and now, she is experiencing alot of what you feel when everyone is having babies except you.  But she struggles with not wanting to appear like she's replacing the baby she lost or that her first two children aren't enough.

I think there's alot of guilt that comes with secondary infertility because you don't want to appear ungrateful for your previous child(ren), like they're not enough.  I feel like another way to look at it would actually be to say how much your first child(ren) increased the love in your family, and how much more would another baby do the same?  (Or maybe that's just me rationalizing it!)

I have been praying much lately that God will increase in me a spirit of contentment and appreciation and acceptance for how He has made our family- our family of three is just as "worthy" as someone's family of four or eight.  I definitely need that reminder from time to time.

Biopsy Done

So this morning got even more complicated before it got better. 

When I left off last night, M's school was delayed.  My friend let me know that if M's school ended up closing, I could just drop M at her house and she could play with her daughter.  Well turns out that by 5:30am this morning- when the same friend texted me that she was in labor and heading to the hospital- M's school had closed.  So I texted our babysitter (different from our nanny)- because she was out of school, too- to see if she could watch M during my appointment.

I got back in bed and just prayed some crazy stream of consciousness because I couldn't sleep with all this stuff running through my head.

Wasn't it kind of a sick joke that the day I had to go to the hospital to get a needle stuck into my neck, my friend got to go to the hospital to welcome another baby into her family?   AND, now that M's school was closed, I couldn't just drop M off at her house, and who was going to watch M while I went to have my biopsy?  And please Lord, continue to bless the sale of our townhouse.  And please Lord, heal anything amiss in my thyroid.  I need to be healthy for my family- I love them so much.  And might I add again, what on earth am I going to do with M while I go to the hospital?  And please Lord, bless my friend with a smooth delivery of a healthy baby girl.  And what if the roads are too slippery to get to the hospital for my appointment.

At some point in my desperate pleading for all manner of things, I fell back asleep until 7am.

Soon, our babysitter texted back that both her parents were at work today, and she had to look after her brother and that would be handful enough without watching M, too.

Well shoot... of course.

So I started to think of everyone and anyone I knew who could possibly hang out with M during my appointment.  Mr. A could have stayed home as an absolute, absolute last resort, but he had one of his software demo's today, so it was pretty much the worst day for that.

I texted my neighbor, but she was staying an hour away with her husband's sister in the ICU.
I texted my other neighbor, but he also had a medical appointment at 10am.

Then I texted my friend who did the Bible study with me last fall.  By the grace of God, her hubby is a teacher (so he was home since school was cancelled), and he offered that I could bring M to their house to play with their kids while I went to my appointment.

{This all happened before 8:15am, and given what was on schedule for 10am, it was a little too much to handle.  I will not deny that there were tears at various points during all this.  Though Mr. A did not really understand why I was crying, he made way up for it by getting M dressed and ready to head out the door.}

I'm not really sure how we are going to repay them- their one act of generosity totally saved the day, no exaggeration.  I knew M would have a blast playing with their kids, and so after I dropped her off, I was able to relax and prepare myself for the impending discomfort with relative peace.

The biopsy itself wasn't too awful bad- truly the worst part was the injection of numbing stuff.  From my very uneducated hearing of comments, most of the nodule was fluid (so, from what I've read this is cystic?).  The doc and nurses were all very friendly and talkative- asking me all kinds of questions, which also struck me as kind of weird/funny because, um, if I'm talking, isn't that going to mess you up when you jam that needle into my neck?  Hahaha.

I left with a bandaid and went upstairs to see my friend and her new baby girl, born only an hour after she texted me (30 min after arriving at the hospital).  She is precious, and I thank God for this new little baby.

My neck feels a little swollen inside (not too noticeable from the outside) and a little sore.  Swallowing is not really what I want to be doing alot of (just feels strange), so maybe I will lose some of the last pesky pounds, ha!  Yawning has proven to be the most uncomfortable action yet- it totally does not feel good.

Praying for benign results.  Lord, have mercy!

PS.  What do you think of my new template?  I felt like I deserved a treat after today, and I am currently addicted to Etsy, and I found some great ones here!  It was a BREEZE to install, and I'm loving it!

Fake it till you make it

My good friend's mom held a baby shower for her today, and M and I went together.  I knew that her daughter would be there, and turns out there was another 2-yr old girl there, too.  All in all, an enjoyable couple of hours, but her pregnancy remains pretty bittersweet for me.

To back up a little, I did end up throwing her a stock-the-freezer shower in mid-December, and it was AWESOME.  If you know anyone who's having a baby, you should definitely throw them a stock-the-freezer shower.  Just pick several recipes, make a master ingredient list, ask each participant (except the guest of honor) to pitch in on grocery items, gather up freezer bags and disposable aluminum pans, and make a general list of the order things need to happen (prep, cooking, etc.).  I ended up organizing recipes that I'd cooked for ourselves before M was born (my friend and her family and not casserole-y folks either, which is what 98% of the "freezer meals" that you come up with if you go looking for that category).  She invited two of her friends, and the four of us prepared 14 meals in 3 hours.  We didn't rush- enjoyed coffee and treats the whole time- and it was just a really fun morning.  (We met 9-12, so we could all have the rest of the Saturday to spend with our respective families.) 

For today's shower, I went and got a few things from her registry, and we also picked out a couple small things for her daughter, sort of a big sister gift.  I probably didn't need to get as much as I did, but I think it is part of my fake it till you make it campaign, to truly let it not bother me.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job of getting there- I have my continually-compiled list of reasons having only one child is great- but nearly the only thing that gets me is remembering holding M when she was just a couple hours old- so tiny, so precious, so loved, such an answered prayer.  And, gah, she gets to do that again.  And her daughter gets to have a sister.

I know there are many women who long for a child and never see that prayer answered in the affirmative, and I know that I am one of the lucky ones who's called mama.  But sometime in the last few months, misfit wrote something to the tune of just having one child is not exactly triumphing over infertility.  (Forgive me for the paraphrase, but I can't seem to find your exact language now!  Also forgive me for not commenting on that post- I love that sentiment from the moment I read it!)  And I've never felt that more than walking through my friend's pregnancy.  Yes, I can barely put into words how grateful I am for M, but I still feel infertile at times like this.  My friend has told me, in an effort to bolster any hope that- it can happen again!- that this was the only time they didn't use protection, and so it can happen anytime!!  It is such a sweet effort, but when I told Mr. A about this, he laughed and said, um, did you tell her we haven't used protection once in like 9 years?  Hahahahaha ;-)

So anyway, my friend's baby is due in 2 weeks, and because it is 100% true, I keep telling her that I'm so happy for her to be welcoming this precious new life into the world.  Because I am happy for her.  And I'm getting there about truly not having it get to me.  Slowly....

And as an example of God's mercy (in addition to the contract on our house, haha), I present to you, M's best friend from preschool's mom.  I invited them over to play recently, and she asked the dreaded question, are you going to have any more kids?  I said, well, we'd love more, but it took us 4 years of trying to have M, and so we aren't holding our breath.  Much to my great surprise, she said, "That's us too!"  I about fell off my chair.  We talked about each of our experiences, and I speak for myself, but I felt very safe with sharing our journey with her.  I hope that we will be able to deepen our friendship, because her daughter is really sweet, and M loves her, and there is nothing like having another friend who's struggled to build their family. 

Thank you Lord, for each of these women.  You have used them to teach me about humility, friendship, honesty, and mercy.  Help me to be a good friend to each of them, to reflect Your life.

My first Gender Reveal

Well, my friend is having another girl.  The party was pretty fun- although M is very social, in new settings, she needs a minute (or several or lots) to take everything in, and it was no different showing up at a party with 10 other kids running full tilt.  But she eventually warmed up a little, and of course she enjoyed the pink pudding-filled cupcake :)

The only time I felt like grabbing her and running out of the house was when it was just M and I in their living room.  She had gone in to play with some toys they have in there, to get a little time to herself after being bulldozed by an especially excited 18-month old boy.  I hear my friend and two other ladies in the kitchen:

"I hear so-and-so is pregnant again."
"Yes, she was also pregnant as the same time as me last time."
{lots of squealing}
"ooooOOoooooh, isn't it so fun that everyone is pregnant again!!!!"
"Yes, I can't believe it happens that way!!!"

Not for everyone, folks.  I am just glad I was in the living room.  Even though only two tears tried to surface, it may have been awkward if I'd been in there with all the multiple-child mamas.

Of course I totally recognize that I'm beyond lucky to have been pregnant once, so I could have something to say when one of the women asked me later, "So which midwife delivered your daughter?", when I answered, cue more glee, "ooOOOooo, she delievered my second son!!  Isn't she greeeeeeaaatttt?"

Eventually it was bedtime, and we walked home and I felt a little quiet.  I am so, so grateful to have M and be able to be a mom.  So many days I thought my dream would never come true.  I might not get to experience another pregnancy, but I will always have the memories of carrying Maryanne, and the privilege of being her mom from here on out.

Good friends

Another of my best friends just emailed that she is due with #2 in january... her kids will be 1.5 years apart.  I am happy for her of course but it stings a little cause I always wanted kids close together and who even knows if we will be blessed with another.

I wrote her back the usual congratulations etc., because Im not sure how "man, Im so jealous" would have gone over.

H, if youre reading, I mean that in the most non-jealous way possible haha!

Feeling "led" (for once?)

A couple years ago, when I was a new peer counselor at the largely-evangelical-staffed pregnancy center, I was exposed some prayer language that I was not really used to.  One example was, "If you feel led, please pray for {whatever}".  If I felt led?  What does that mean?  Not like God is going to peek out from around the corner, and say, hey come pray this way....  did it mean if I decided to pray about {whatever}?

It went along the same lines of confusion/bewilderment as the Christian radio station's membership drive, where they would say, "Just pray about how much God is asking you to give."  I chuckled out loud the first time I heard it.  As if God is channel you (or at least me) a specific dollar amount to pledge to this organization!!!!  (I've written about this before.)  They surely meant to go home and check the budget and see how much was left over?

Anyway, from my experience, more often than not, most people use "if you feel led" in a way similar to "if you have time" or "if you wouldn't mind".  And maybe sometimes people really mean, "if you think it is a good idea" or "if you sit down to pray about it and you just have an overwhelming urge to pray for {whatever} then do so".

The latter is what I'd call actually "feeling led", and it might have just finally happened to me.  Fake it until you make it, right?  hahahahaha ;-)

Ever since period-ageddon in February and subsequent soul searching in March, I have pretty much not prayed for any more babies.  It has just been too hard to dream, and I felt that praying for contentment with our family as-is was a much more reasonable prayer that could be answered in the affirmative.  And I think it has helped.  I have been feeling fairly positive about having only one child- even started a list on my phone of pro's on the matter- and did you know that there is a whole website dedicated to only children?

Then my friend up the road, whose daughter is 6 months older than M, shared with me that she is pregnant with #2.  I give her major credit, because she had just found out the day before, and unless she already posted it on facebook (which I doubt), I think I may have been among the first people to know.  It has been quite a while since I felt like I was that trusted from a friend, you know, that I was a good enough friend to be that vulnerable with.  That felt awesome, but of course the news itself stung.*

So then I'm sitting rocking M that night, and I'm trying to pray for contentment like I have been doing for months now, and all I could think was "Why am I stuffing away my deepest prayer for another baby?  My prayers for contentment are sincere and true, but I shouldn't only pray for contentment just because it is easier/more attainable.  We would love another baby, and I would like to pray for that, too."  And so, I kind of reflected on all that, and I came to the conclusion that maybe that is what it's like to "be led" to pray for something.

But this all comes with caveats.  For the sake of my Christian faith, I'm being led by the Holy Spirit.  For the sake of logic and cynics, I'm being led by jealousy.  (Oh sure, only when one of your closest friends is pregnant do you want to start praying for another baby!)  Also, just because we can be confident that God hears our prayers (1 John 5:14), doesn't mean that He is going to say yes, so of course my skeptical IF heart still asks, what is the point?  Haha  ;-)

But for now, I've added praying that God would allow us to conceive a happy, healthy sibling for M back to my list of petitions.  Only after asking for contentment with the family which God choose to make of us of course, because I have come to rest in that prayer, even if it was forced at first.  My expectations are still pretty low that we'll get another BFP, but at least I won't feel like I'm just ignoring that tiny little voice in my heart.  I guess it's about time I feel "led"...given the name of this blog and how much I've focused on the "journey" of all this!!


*Supposedly it had taken "a long time" with their first daughter (not exactly sure how long), and I guess they had been preventing somehow since then, because this was "the one time" that nothing had been in place, and whadya know.  She is totally on board with how precious this life is, and how exciting this is, and how amazing it is that people get pregnant at all with the technically tiny window of opportunity, but I just wanted to laugh and laugh (not at her, at the situation).  The one time!?  Mr. A and I have been married for 8 years this July, and we have never ONCE used any kind of prevention!  Hahahahahahahahaha Shouldn't we have like 7 kids now??  But I am so honored that she would trust me with this information, so that is really my biggest "takeaway"...

End of an era

Apparently, the free blog template that I've been using for 4 years (has it really been that long?!) is not really working anymore- I guess they removed some of the pictures or something!  I love this template, so I'm really sad that I will need to find a new one.  I've been searching for unique free blog templates, but so far they all look so much the same.  Blah.  I need to make up my mind, though, because the error picture on the left-hand side is bugging me ;-)

(And an update on my friend who miscarried her baby- we have talked/emailed several times, and it seems as though what I've said/written has been well-received and encouraging to her.  Thanks for all your advice!)

My (fertile) friend had a miscarriage

I was admittedly shocked.  It seems as if my fertile college friends have been immune to all-problems-reproduction, and so I am just kind of speechless.  I do not know the pain of miscarriage, and I would never wish infertility or a miscarriage on anyone, and I am pretty sure that while some emotions are the common, there are differences in the struggle of infertility and the grief of miscarriage.  I just never expected any of my fertile friends to even come close to the infertility/infant loss circle. 

She would have been 14w today.  I called her and left a voicemail and emailed her with the same sentiment: that I was praying for her and that she could call anytime and I would be a shoulder for her for whatever she was needing to say or cry.  I asked her to let me know how I could be the best friend to her in this time of sadness.  I don't really expect to hear from her, but I feel like that was a good start.

What more can I do?  She lives several states away.  Flowers?  An miscarriage remembrance necklace?  A care package with treats?  How have you supported miscarriage survivors in your life?

Prayer Request

Would you please pray for me?  One of our neighbors' house burned completely to the ground this week, and I'm feeling compelled to organize a neighborhood-wide potluck to benefit them.  I love planning parties, but I have never done anything this large.  Would you please pray that everything comes together, and that we have a great turnout, and that the family who lost everything but their lives would feel the support that we have for them? 

I would be so grateful!  :)

A note

She emailed me back this afternoon  :)

The short and not-so-sweet is that yes, their arms are still empty, and in the meantime life has also dealt them a bunch of crap in general.  Not what any friend wants to hear about another but I was just glad to hear anything.  She is going to call me next week to really catch up.

Please keep both of them, individually and as a married couple, in your prayers.  Her hubby especially, because he's a kindred optimistic-all-the-time spirit like me, and she said he is finally losing hope that he'll be a dad, and it's very hard on him.  I totally feel his pain, because I had pretty much given up hope, too, and as an eternal optimist, that is not an easy thing to do.  (I never lost hope totally, just maybe 90% of it, haha.)

She said she doesn't want to bring me down with talking about still dealing with IF, and I can honestly say that I still think about it all the time, so it's not like I'm living in lala motherhood land where IF has no place.  Is that weird?  Not just because I'd love to "accidentally" conceive another baby as many infertiles do in the fairy tales, but because every time I hug Maryanne and rock her to sleep, I'm reminded of the times when I didn't have any baby to hug, and when I cried to myself in the same rocking chair when I found out another ungrateful friend was pregnant...again.   There are no words to express how thankful I am for M, but I don't think IF in the deepest sense will ever go away for me. 

Sending a prayer of thanks tonight for my friend and her willingness to trust me with her sadness and struggles.  Also sending a prayer that I will be able to be all that she needs me to be as her friend and support system.

No word

I havent heard anything from my friend.  My heart is aching for her.   In all our Christmas cards this year, i included our family picture, and although it took me a while to decide, i put one in her card, too.  I never wanted to be left out and neither did she..  last time we talked. 

I sent her an email "warning" about the picture, and i said if she received it on a hard day, she didnt have to open it.

As i was thinking more about her, what if she is jusy really busy at work?  Is it selfish of me to assume her silence is related to me having M, while her arms are empty?  I just wish id hear from her so i could stop wondering...

On the other side

I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message.  It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi.  I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime.  I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note.  I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch.  I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling.  Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."

Good?  I haven't heard anything back from her...

I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in.  When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it.  By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me.  And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon.  But that sounds so backwards to write.  Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously?  (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)


And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child.  So how can I be bummed?  No possible way!  But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky.  I wish it would be so easy for us."

So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend.  Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.

Some things

*As obnoxious as it sounds and feels, I am starting to struggle with infertility survivors who go on to become pregnant with #2+ without trying.  My feelings have been bubbling deep for months now, and they are only getting stronger.  It isn't nearly as difficult as before we had Maryanne, but I would love to be able to have another baby (greedy?), and given how long it took last time, I am so insecure about if it will ever happen again.  And of course everyone I tell that to has some story about someone who had an awful time conceiving baby #1 but then baby #2 was easy peasy, and that just doesn't help me feel better at all.  Blech.  It's hard not to feel guilty for feeling this way.

*Speaking of infertility, I would like your advice, especially any of you who are still waiting and still reading.  One of my best friends started trying a year after we did, so by now they have been trying for about the same time (or maybe a little longer?) than we did before we conceived.  We were very close before I got pregnant, and we kept in touch really frequently while I was pregnant, and we always promised each other that whoever got off the "infertility train" first wouldn't leave the other person out of anything, e.g. baby pictures, celebrations, updates.  Fast forward to this past spring, and communication from her has just about dropped to nothing.  (She did thoughtfully send Maryanne a birthday gift, but all my texts/emails to thank her have gone unanswered...)  She has a busy job, and I try to convince myself that she is just busy with that, but I can't help but feel my heart ache that it's getting too tough for her to keep up with me.  What do I do?  I don't want to leave her out, because I never wanted to be left out and neither did she, and it's not like I'm mobbing her with texts and emails and calls- maybe once every two/three weeks, but I don't want to keep trying to contact her if she honestly needs time and/or space.  I would love to hear how she's doing, and Maryanne and I pray for her every night that God would bless them with a baby.  Should I include a family picture of us in their Christmas card?  My head says yes, based on our previous conversations, but my heart stings and hesitates....

*I have lost 25 lbs since September, and I am SO excited about it.  I have not done any specific diet (other than eat more veggies/fruits/salads just because they have less calories than other alternatives), but I have made a commitment to exercise while Maryanne is napping, and two words:  PORTION CONTROL.  I am back to the size I was 10+ years ago, and it feels awesome.

*I can't believe that it's already (almost) December.  Where did this year go???  Thanks to those of you who are still reading- I know I haven't been very good about posting, but I still read all y'all blogroll buddies (on my phone mostly) :)

Aching

I know that I haven't gotten back to posting alot yet, but I keep up with all y'all on my blogroll while I'm nursing Maryanne.

If you have a moment to pray for Deanna, please do. She is carrying precious twins and found out one of them (a baby girl) has an omphalocele, among other issues, and they are hoping that her issues do not affect the other twin. My heart is absolutely breaking for her. I am sure she is trying to keep her head above water, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be in her shoes, but I thought what she wrote today was so beautiful: "...the swelling around the baby's head, which actually looks like a halo, is very severe.....As of now, we are praying that God would take our special angel home. Regardless of her physical handicaps, she is just is perfect as her brother/sister. She already wears her halo."

If you have more than a few moments, maybe leave her a comment of support.

New blog for you

IF makes this world a small one. It also brings people together who otherwise would never have met. And by "met" I mean both in real life and in this great Adoption-Loss-Infertility (ALI) and Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss (PAIL) communities of ours. (If you haven't checked out PAIL, it's new, so be sure to click the link and check it out!)

A (infertile) friend of a (fertile) friend of mine just sent me a sweet note to tell me that she is pregnant with twins after only one IVF cycle!! I was so excited to hear from her, and I was even more excited when she told me she has started her own blog!!

Please go over and say hi to her- at Miracles on Long View Drive! {Welcome to our little world, Miss Type A, and I can't wait to keep up with you through your blog!!}

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)

Infertility Sucks

My heart has been kind of heavy lately about infertility. I don't know if this seems two-faced of me to say, given the baby girl we've been blessed with, but except for the few people who seem to have amnesia about how much they struggled, once an infertile, always an infertile.

It just sucks how hard it is for us to become pregnant, and meanwhile there are naive, oblivious, fertile people who boldly announce when they're going to begin trying for another baby so that he/she can be born in whatever month they fancy. I would never dream of making such a proclamation. I mean how is it even possible that these people get things to work out so perfectly?

There are people who are on my WTE board who are already pregnant again. Granted, I haven't even had a period yet, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever conceive again. I absolutely loved being pregnant and giving birth- will I get to experience it another time? Far be it from me to say things like "when we have another" or other crazy things of that nature.

My next sister has been wanting to have a baby for a while, and while I suspect her husband is not totally on board, I imagine they might start trying sometime soon. I would love for her to let me in on when they start, so I can cheer her on especially when she's disappointed, but she is a pretty private person, and I don't know if she will tell me. And then of course there is the reality that most of the world's population doesn't have any disappointment associated with trying for a baby- there is just the one missed period and the following obviously positive test. I have said it many times before: I would never wish infertility on anyone. But will I feel any kind of infertile yuckiness if they hit a home run the first time they come up to bat?

It's just amazing to me that these things still run through my head, even as our daughter is here. But they do, and I doubt they will ever stop. Infertility just seeps so deep that you can't ever get rid of it, I don't think.

Fertile Assumptions

If you are a regular reader, you may remember my "friend" from college who told everyone else except me that she was pregnant. You can re-live the awfulness here and here.

She has a blog, and while I don't read it very often, I check it maybe every few months... for no real reason really, but just because it is sadly entertaining (sometimes) to read how the naive and fertile population exists.

Anyway, I happened to check it this afternoon, and I discovered that she and her hubby and daughter (who is I guess almost a year old now?) recently went to the animal shelter to adopt a dog. The woman whom they met there suggested that maybe they should wait a little while to get a dog because their daughter is still so little and it would be alot to handle.

(Which I pretty much agree with the shelter woman- it is alot of work to incorporate a new dog into your household, and there is no way I would do it with a baby. Sure, we have two dogs, but they were well-established before Maryanne arrived, and they have done absolutely amazing at incorporating HER into their lives!)

But anyway, here is where the fertile mindset just assaults infertility. She wrote that she told the woman (in a fairly snappy tone, I imagine) that if they waited a little while for their daughter/child to be older, they would never get a dog, because their daughter isn't going to be their only kid.

WELL, EXCUUUUUUSE ME.

Since when does she have a crystal ball of reproduction/family building?

I guess I can't really blame her for being so presumptious, given her lack of experience with infertility. But it just sucks. If there is one thing that infertility rams into your head is that you have ZERO control over how your family expands. How dare you assume that children will come into your life when you think or want them to? (Of course we all know that for fertile people, children do come into their lives relatively when they want them to, which is just a cruel joke on the rest of us.)

I have a whole other post rattling around in my head about becoming pregnant again (I'm not, just in general). Bottom line, I'd love to have more children... I always said that I wanted three. But far be it for me to just assume that since we got pregnant with no help one time, that it will ever happen again. I actually assume the opposite- that Maryanne was just a miraculous fluke and that we will have trouble again whenever we decide we're up for trying again. And really, "trying" for us in the future will probably be way "less" than we did before. Maryanne is a huge answered prayer, and while we would totally welcome more children, she has filled the gaping hole in our hearts. Any more kiddos would just be huge bonuses- nothing we expect.

I have always said that I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, and that is still true, but I wish there was a way to make fertile people truly grateful for their fertility and see it as the phenominal GIFT that it is, and not have them all take it for granted in the huge way that they all do.

Neighborly love

Well gee.

I went out this afternoon to attack the front yard bushes and trees. My neighbor was in her backyard mowing her yard. I was going about, hacking away branches to my heart's content (seriously, it looks SO much better now), and then I realize that she is now mowing OUR backyard! I went back to tell her that I had every intention of mowing the yard tomorrow (not this afternoon only because I sort of do want the cleaning people to come tomorrow morning, and I was thinking that bouncing around on a riding lawnmower may do the labor trick- pure speculation, of course....), and that she didn't have to mow ours, but she happily said that she wanted to. It was so sweet of her!!

So I went back to hacking branches. Then I realize that she is now mowing our side yard!!! What! I reminded her that she really doesn't have to, but she insists. I started to bag the smaller stuff I'd trimmed and make a big pile of the larger branches to pull around to the backyard. When I got back into the front yard, she is now mowing the front yard!!!

Wow. She finished mowing just about as I was done hauling everything out of the front yard (okay, so now there is a big pile of branches in the backyard, but hopefully the garbage people will take them on Monday!!), and we talked for a few minutes. She reminded me that we mowed their yard when her husband was sick last summer, but still, I feel like I owe her big time! Maybe I will make them a batch of cookies or some cinnamon rolls....

I am so happy that the trees are trimmed. They look so much cleaner. WHEW!

AND, another fun thing is that there is another gal my age-ish in my neighborhood who had a baby earlier this year, and we always say "hi" in passing when we're walking our dogs, but we've never talked. Well today, she was out walking and she came up to introduce herself!!!! I was so excited!! I don't know exactly how old her baby girl is, but we exchanged phone numbers and are going to get out to walk with each other sometime after Maryanne is born! From first impressions, it seems like we would get along great- another new friend!

What an awesome afternoon!

Uncool

(Update from post this morning- see below)

Good (cool) news: Mr. A encouraged me to go to my yoga class and call the repair place on the way. (I was fretting, what if I called, and they said they could only come at 10:30? He said, don't worry about it, just tell them you won't be home till the afternoon. Love that he puts my sanity ahead of all the condiments that may or may not have to be replaced....) AND, it was a great yoga class. The other girl who is also 39 weeks (gah, still can't believe I'M 39 weeks!!) was also there, and we are hoping that we are cuddling our babies by this time next Tuesday morning. AND, after class, we went to this cupcake place and got cupcakes for a treat. So fun :) I am glad that I took Mr. A's advice and went to yoga because....

Bad (uncool) news: The earliest the fridge people can come out is tomorrow between 1-6pm!!! Wow. Definitely thankful we have our chest freezer, and definitely hoping it doesn't crap out, too. Trying to figure out how we can eat at home (without relying on takeout for every meal) because they said depending on the part required, it might be MONDAY before it is fixed. That's right. Like, the day before Maryanne is due. Oh well, trying to roll with the punches here!! (The cupcake that I got after yoga is helping....it is REALLY good!)

But overall, feeling WAY better today and not really annoyed at anything right now. It would be sort of hilarious (in retrospect, I'm sure) if she was born in the next few days and we had a houseful of company with no refrigeration capabilities.