Lapped

I knew the day would come, but I hadn't really prepared myself as actively as I'd wanted (mostly because I didn't know they were trying)... my sister is having another baby.

She called a couple weeks ago to tell me she was 12w along, and all I could say, over and over again, is "You are so lucky."  She kept saying, "I know, I know."

I cried off and on the rest of the day.  Alot of people I know are having their second (or third, etc) babies now, but this is my sister.  My nephew gets to be a big brother.  Meanwhile, M has to pretend her dolls are her sisters.  (Which she has started to do, without my prompting- one is her sister and one is my sister, and they are also sisters (haha), and she takes them everywhere...)

Mr. A is so solidly unmoved by families adding more kids to themselves, it's a lifesaver.  He ran down the list of reasons why it is great to have (and/or be) and only child, and I would repeat them to myself dozens of times in the next 2 days.  Many are materialistic, like being able to give her really nice toys and clothes, send her to a private school with excellent standing in the community, and pay for her college, etc... but subconsciously those are difficult for me because they are why my mom crucified families with only one kid- when I was younger, she would say "they just had one kid so they could take fancy vacations", "how selfish of them to just have one child so they can live in a bigger house", "too bad they didn't give their child a sibling".

After some journaling and praying, because feeling the weight of being left behind/infertile, when clearly we've been given M already, brings up guilt and confusion all its own, I came up with this: I am not longing for another baby for myself.  M is 100% enough for us- we prayed for a child to fill the hole in our family, and she has filled the hole a hundred times over and more.  I think at this point, after seeing my friends' kids "get" a sibling, I would love another baby for M.  I would love for her to have a ready-made playmate, instead of standing at the front door willing the neighbor kids to come bursting out of their door.  I don't want her to be lonely.  I want her to be able to say "this is my sister (or brother)" and see the proud smile on her face and see an actual sister or brother and not her doll.

Of course for as many people who are super close to their siblings (me), there are those who are not close or even at distinct odds with their siblings, so my assumption that M and a hypothetical sibling would have the kind of relationship I have with my sibs is definitely not a certainty.

I wrote in my journal for her: "You are more than enough for us; I hope we are enough for you."

Fast forward a few days, and I was a couple days past my usual new-cycle day.  It is interesting how you can rationalize with yourself and convince yourself of varying situations, because when I realized I was late-ish (of course any giddy-ness about being a couple days late is long gone by this point in time!!), I started thinking, well how are we going to save as much for two college educations?... we'll have to start full time childcare all over again...and on!  I laughed because only days before, I had had to convince myself of the glory in easily saving for M's college and being on our last leg of childcare!!

And of course, I had nothing to worry about because obviously I wouldn't be pregnant (CD 6 today), and I am grateful to genuinely feel happy and content with M as our only lovebug.  I pray that God will bless our relationship so that we can do, and enjoy together, really cool mother-daughter things that maybe we wouldn't be able to do if He'd given me a new baby every 2 years.

I am sure that my sister have another baby will bring the questions from M about where is her sister, etc., but I'm just praying God will give me grace in that moment to respond to her without losing it myself.  I am grateful for the family He has created for us, and hey, Jesus turned out okay with no siblings, right?  ;-)

Belated Happy Easter

Our Easter was great this year :-)  We filled a whole pew at church, and afterwards we hosted brunch for everyone... 9 adults and 2 tots.  I made everything from scratch: spiced nuts, fresh fruit, cinnamon rolls, warm ham, fresh bread, fried potatoes, couscous with peas and pine nuts, spinach salad, breakfast casserole.  My sister brought a cake that was excellent, too. 

This year, we tried using natural dyes for our eggs.  I am so excited about the results!  Here are our results (hope the picture loads!) (all white eggs except the first one):

Red cabbage with brown eggs: dark teal
Red cabbage: bright blue
Red onion skins: dark red
Turmeric: yellow
Red zinger tea: green
Yellow onion skins: orange

Basically you just have to boil the natural ingredient in enough water to cover the eggs for a half hour, then let it cool, strain it, add 1 tbs of vinegar per cup of dye, pour over eggs, and refrigerate overnight.  I found the colors to be so much richer than fake dyes- everyone commented on how beautiful they were!  What is cool is that I had everything to make the dyes except the red cabbage!  I definitely will do this again next year and indefinitely after that!!

CD1- might as well get to the point

I need to get out of the habit of only posting once a new cycle starts.  Oh well, at least you can be sure you'll hear from me once a month!  Hahaha ;-)

I actually started bleeding yesterday afternoon but for the sake of CD1-ing, I'm starting today.  Ever since I've gone to acupuncture (although I haven't been since just before Christmas) and doing yoga, I haven't had any cramps with my period, so it's not a physical issue really, it is just still the emotional disappointment.  I couldn't even remember if we had good timing this time, but it is just such a BUMMER when even infertile people sometimes have no problems conceiving #2.  I have tried to have a good day- I took the nanny and M out to lunch, and I have taken alot of gentle, deep breaths when it seems like I'm holding back tears.

By the grace of God, however, we do have M, and I joined a moms class at church several weeks ago (it is not an aimless "group"- we actually have a book and it's more about self-reflection and how that relates to motherhood).  The second week, they asked us to give our reflections on how the first week went.  The only thing I had to say was not really related to the class' content.  I said, "I am just so grateful to be here at all, because there were years when I wasn't even "eligible" to be a part of a group like this and I never thought I would be, and now I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to be my daughter's mom."  The other women in the group thought this was just the most profound, deep thing, but I wasn't sugar coating it or trying to win any philosophical awards.  That is my reality: alot of times, I was sure that I wouldn't be a mom, and now I am.

Which is why I feel really obnoxious for feeling bummed on CD1's.  I have been praying every night for contentment in our family.  Even that prayer feels a little weird, because "be content" is what you squawk at someone who doesn't really have what they want, but what they have is very good.  I read a post by another blogger recently that made me squirm.  It was about how as infertile mothers, we shouldn't focus so much on infertility or our rocky path to motherhood because our children will know if they are not "enough" for us.  Ouch.

It's not that M is not enough.  Her smiles and laughter and generous, friendly spirit has filled the hole in our family, and she is more than enough.  We are so, so lucky and grateful for her.

I just have insecurities over having an only child.  Only children get a bad rap, and my mother is not shy in proclaiming the selfish nature of parents who only have none or one or two children, because clearly they chose to only have a small family so they could afford a fancy house and fancy vacations and have a large bank balance.  And so what happens when you want more kids but you find yourself landed in the small family category when you never wanted to be there?

The chapter in my moms class last week was on self-growth, and admittedly most of the chapters have had some hokey kumbaya moments in them, one of the exercises was to identify an area where you feel most insecure or unstable and commit to doing things to help that area.

Mine was accepting myself.  Accepting that unless, at the not so young reproductive age of 33, I miraculously become super fertile (can I get a big YAH RIGHT?!), I'm going to have a small family.  Accepting that my mom's prejudices and judgements of people with small families were not all true or kind or fair.  Accepting that there are lots of good things about having a small family (fancy vacations!  oh wait... hahahaha)

Two of my "things to do" to work on accepting myself are to (1) make a list of positive aspects of having a small family, and keeping it handy so I can refer to it when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unworthy or not good enough, and (2) seeking out small families (parents, 0-2 kids) who are completely fulfilled and happy and content.

Can you help me?  If your family is small, especially if it's not what you envisioned you'd have, can you give me some encouragement or advice or positives I can add to my list?

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

::Crickets::

Tee Jay left me a sweet comment to ask how we were doing, and I just have to oblige her and post real quick that we are all doing great!

M is 11 months old in a couple days, and she is AWESOME.  Hubby just got his pilot's license, and we went up in his plane on Friday after work, and it is SO COOL!!  M loved it, too.  Dogs are good :)  Work is really busy, and I wish I could just win the lottery already.  Our nanny has been with us since I went back to work in January, and I hope she stays with us until Maryanne goes to school...

My sister is due with her baby in 5 weeks.  Holy camoley.  Her shower was a huge success (or maybe instead of winning the lottery, can I just quit my real job and start a party planning business?), and I was so happy that so many people gave her such useful things.  She has still not asked me that much about my go at labor/delivery/motherhood, but I've given some unsolicited musings here and there, and I think I've accepted that that's going to be pretty much it unless actually having the baby jump starts a desire to see what's worked for her big sister.

As far as if they're excited, they are not as excited as we were (not sure if that is possible, though), but I think they are going to do okay.  Hubby and I and Maryanne hung out with them this afternoon, and we had a very enjoyable time, and they are both really cute/adoring to M.  It is so funny because all the time we don't hear from them or see them for a long time, we kind of build them up to be unsocial/unfriendly/uninterested in family members, but usually when we get together, we have a really nice time.

And speaking of seeing them, maybe the stars are thinking aligning because they want to get together with us for dinner this coming weekend, and she suggested that she and I get ice cream in a couple weeks the morning before her doctor's appointment.  I about fell off my chair.  Could it be possible that I might actually start to see her regularly?!?  How awesome would that be.

AND.

She is not going back to work after their baby comes.  I, of course, work from home full time, but because I work from home, I have a ton of flexibility in my hours.  Can you imagine all the fun things we can do together, with the kiddos?!?!  I don't exactly know how they crunched the numbers to make living on his salary doable, but apparently they did, and I just hope they were honest with themselves as far as their expenses go.  But all in all, given the recent improvement in the frequency of our get togethers, I am actually a little bit optimistic we will get to be mamas together, after all.

But enough about my sister ;-)

I'm still breastfeeding, although I think M is sort of self-weaning a bit- we are down to 2 times a day.  I got my first period post-baby almost a month ago, and raise your hand if you think we'll get a BFP this time?  Hahahahahahaha.  I am returning to acupuncture and taking my vitamins again, so we'll see.  At this point, we're just doing "general health/balance" treatments, and as much as I say at this point that I don't want to "try" as hard as last time, if we're not pregnant by December, I might ask her to do some more fertility-focused points.  We would both be 100% happy if our family is forever the three of us, so let's be clear about that!!

I really need to find time to return to yoga or running or something.  Just like 30 minutes a day.  It shouldn't be that hard!!!  I've been back in my normal clothes for a long time, I just feel like if I tried, I could be even smaller.  Smaller is relative, of course, I would still not be a size 4 or 6 :-P

Okay, I'm sure this is info overload.  I want so badly to keep up with this, I really do.  I promise not to let it sit untended for another 3 months ;-)  Leave a comment and tell me how you're doing!!  I read all your blogs while I'm nursing, so I'm pretty current on y'all, but it'd be great for you to say hi if you're still reading :)

Out of practice, I suppose.

GEEZ.  I guess I really need to get back to blogging because apparently the whole point of my last post was lost on everyone.  Or at least everyone who decided to comment.  Surely there is at least one reader who understood what I was trying to say?

Which was....I am sad that my sister's pregnancy will be yet another thing we don't connect about.

Yes, she is handling it differently.  Yes, she has yet to tell a soul (for those of you who were confused- I think it is a little weird to wait until 13 weeks to tell close family, and I think it is even weirder to not have told them by 17 weeks).  Yes, she doesn't want to go shopping.  Yes, that is her prerogative.  Yes, I can't understand how or why she is acting this way (misfit, I have often wondered if the baby has a problem or if they are having marital dismay over this new development, but if anything is amiss, they aren't letting anyone know (par for the course!)).

But the bottom line is that I am just bummed out.  We have never really "clashed" (okay, maybe once last year before Easter), but in general, we are just not alike, and it is a disappointment to me that our differences do not really "attract" but instead they make me feel boring, lame, and pretty much like a transparent bystander in her life.  They have so many friends and hobbies and activities going on, and while we live 30 minutes away, they do not call us to see if we'd like to join them doing whatever it is that they're doing.   She could probably say that we don't invite them to do anything either, but we don't really "do" much anyway  (see?  I feel so lame...), so it would just be coming over to our house, which we invite them all the time, but they usually have other fancy plans already!

When we moved here 4 years ago, I thought that we would hang out all the time.  That October, I had mentioned that I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch.  Imagine my heartache when her cell phone pocket dialed me....while they were at the pumpkin patch with his sister.  For 5 long minutes, I listened and I cried.  The next day, I called her and asked her why she didn't invite us to go with them.  She didn't have an answer.  I had to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations:  Just because we lived close didn't mean we'd be close or that they would incorporate us into their lives.  It took months for me to get over this.

I am waiting for the day (sometime soon, I imagine) when her cell phone pocket dials me again.  This time she will be gleefully registering at BRU with her college friends.  I will listen for 5 minutes and cry.

No matter how rosy the future might look all y'all commenters who think I'm just an awful mean sister,  it's time for me to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations again.  Just because we will both have little babies close in age doesn't mean we'll be close or that they will incorporate us into their lives.  It will take a long time for me to get over this.

But that's why I'm bummed.  When I first found out, I had hoped that this time would be different.  Maybe this similarity would be the thing that bridged our differences.  But no, it's just more of the same story.

I know that alot of people aren't close with their siblings, and it's no big deal to them.  But I can't keep teasing myself that she and I will be close someday.  I was thinking about it today while walking the dogs, and it's sort of like that book/movie "He's just not that into you".  At some point, I have to admit that she's just not that into me and move on.

And for the 50th time this post, I'll say that it's just sad.  And that was the point of my last post.  No haters this time, okay?

Grieving being mamas together

What?  You thought I'd never post again?  Well I thought I'd return with a head splitting deep thought whammy....

As you all know, my sister is pregnant.  Without trying and/or unplanned, however you choose to categorize it.  She is now in her 17th week, and has not told any of our extended family.  At first, they said they were going to wait until 13 weeks (don't get me started; I know the risk of miscarriage goes down, but hello, it's not like making it to 13w guarantees you a baby on your due date- there are tons of heartbreaking late loss mamas to testify to this...), but they have continued to drag their feet and keep this amazing news stuffed away.  They would like the world to believe they are a fancy, worldly, cultured couple whose lives are filled to the brim with amazingly exciting things all the time.  So they do alot of traveling and entertaining, and yes their weekends are chock full of activities, and maybe I am super lame, but it seems simply exhausting to me and with the bulk of "look what we're doing", the vibe is starting to seem fairly for-the-sake-of-showing-off.  But, my point is that when I ask her when they are going to tell people, she starts making excuses: "well not this weekend, we are throwing a party for X", "well not this week because I'm travelling for work", and on and on.  I think it is fairly sad that they can't take a half hour out of their super amazing lives to share the news of their baby with their family, for pete's sake.

She was not "excited" in the beginning.  Everyone told me to give her time- that she would warm up to the idea.  So here we are, months later, and she may have warmed up 0.5 degrees, if I'm generous. 

I have asked her no less than 25 times if she wants to go maternity clothes shopping, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't need clothes yet.  I reminded her that last year when I went in April, I bought stuff that was too big for me until August or September.  She keeps saying she doesn't need the clothes.  OMG!  How can she not want to go shopping for maternity clothes?!  I know she doesn't need them yet, but throw me a bone girl, just go try some on for this summer! 

I keep asking her what sort of prep they are doing for the baby.  Her answer?  They are planning on tiling their kitchen backsplash, tiling their bathroom floor, and installing a fan above their shower.  Oh wait, did you miss the baby things?  So did I.  Okay fine, maybe they are "nesting" but let's not forget the whole POINT of nesting which is to get ready for the BABY.  They are not, for example, fixing up the baby's room.  The closest thing they have come to even getting near the baby's room is "looking through some files" in there. 

So, to all who told me that she would warm up and that this would be so fun for us to be able to share pregnancy and baby talk, I give up.  I thought I was over this, but I don't think I am.  I am seriously grieving swapping baby advice and experiences, but most of all, I think I am grieving (in advance) of being moms together.  One of my favorite bloggers just found out her sister is pregnant, and she did the cutest post about it.  I about cried when I considered how different my relationship with my sister is (and realistically, will be).  She does not call me to ask what I thought about whatever baby product, or if I want to come help her clean out the baby's closet, and I do not think she will call me to ask about breastfeeding advice or sleeping trouble or any other thing about their baby.  She will not call me to see if we want to plan activities for the kids together- it will always be their family apart from ours.  (I know in theory our kids will be a year apart, but I don't think the kids will see each other more than I saw my cousins who lived several states away.  They don't involve us in their life now, and I can't tease myself anymore that it will change once they have a baby.)  It is really breaking my heart.

Full disclosure:  I hope their baby is a boy.  I don't want to have to share Maryanne's precious stuff with someone who could care less.  I am already grieving being moms together, much less being moms of girls together.

Our other sister and I are supposed to throw her shower in August.  At this point, I honestly do not know how I am going to do it.  How do you throw a shower for someone who would rather not celebrate their pregnancy, when the whole point of a shower is to celebrate the pregnancy!??!  Don't even waste your breath telling me that by THEN she will be really happy about it. 

I keep telling myself to just not ask her questions, to just let her humdrum along like she is apparently content to do.  I have tried.  But I can't.  I still call her and ask her about her baby, knowing I will hang up feeling hurt and disappointed and ostracized. 

Maybe this is how the fertile world is.  It was no big deal to get pregnant, so it is no big deal to be pregnant.  I think that is really shameful.  They can get all hyped up about all kinds of other things, but when it comes to the getting stoked about the baby that they are carrying, they just blow it off: no biggie, whatever.  It literally makes me want to cry.

As much as I'm grieving, I'm also very thankful that God is merciful.  I honestly do not think I could have survived her apathy if we hadn't had been blessed with Maryanne already.  We are so grateful for her, and just as we have done since the second the pee stick dried, we will continue to emphatically and excitedly rejoice in her presence and the fact we get to be her parents.

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)

Infertility Sucks

My heart has been kind of heavy lately about infertility. I don't know if this seems two-faced of me to say, given the baby girl we've been blessed with, but except for the few people who seem to have amnesia about how much they struggled, once an infertile, always an infertile.

It just sucks how hard it is for us to become pregnant, and meanwhile there are naive, oblivious, fertile people who boldly announce when they're going to begin trying for another baby so that he/she can be born in whatever month they fancy. I would never dream of making such a proclamation. I mean how is it even possible that these people get things to work out so perfectly?

There are people who are on my WTE board who are already pregnant again. Granted, I haven't even had a period yet, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever conceive again. I absolutely loved being pregnant and giving birth- will I get to experience it another time? Far be it from me to say things like "when we have another" or other crazy things of that nature.

My next sister has been wanting to have a baby for a while, and while I suspect her husband is not totally on board, I imagine they might start trying sometime soon. I would love for her to let me in on when they start, so I can cheer her on especially when she's disappointed, but she is a pretty private person, and I don't know if she will tell me. And then of course there is the reality that most of the world's population doesn't have any disappointment associated with trying for a baby- there is just the one missed period and the following obviously positive test. I have said it many times before: I would never wish infertility on anyone. But will I feel any kind of infertile yuckiness if they hit a home run the first time they come up to bat?

It's just amazing to me that these things still run through my head, even as our daughter is here. But they do, and I doubt they will ever stop. Infertility just seeps so deep that you can't ever get rid of it, I don't think.

Cosmic Reverse Psychology Session

Cannot believe it is December 31, again. Can you stand another year-in-review post?

Maybe you should go back and read my post from last year on December 31. Then you will understand my title.

We had battled and lost, and last year at this time, we had pretty much given up hope of expanding our family. We had convinced ourselves that we were just as excited about eating organically and playing with our dogs as we would have been about decorating a nursery. And for all practical purposes, we truly were excited about those things. When you don't have an alternative, of course you are going to go bananas about making a fancy meal on a Wednesday night and teaching your dogs new tricks.

So I had decided to be bold and specifically NOT wish for a baby in 2011. I guess it was part self-preservation and part screw-you-infertility, but whatever it was- hell if I was going to tell myself that I'd have a baby in 2011 and have that empty prediction come crashing down again.

My friend always told me that God was going to knock my socks off when it came to expanding our family. I mostly believed her, but let's face it, after all the time of being without a child, I could never quite believe her 100%. I kept watching Him knock everyone else's socks off, and meanwhile, my socks were decidedly ON.

I will ask God someday why He waited to bless us with a child until we had give up 99.9% of hope of being parents. Maybe what I wrote last year was more true than I knew:

"But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true."

I had definitely given up on my dreams of how/when we'd have children. I think my thought pattern was something like "Supposedly God has something good in store for me, so I guess I will just have to lollygag around until whatever it is that is "so great" happens. If it is really going to happen."

I don't mean to imply that we should all start praying for our intentions as if God is playing a cruel game of Opposite Day. Actually, I think with respect to women struggling with infertility, it is the success stories of women who have given up or decided to adopt and then became pregnant which are sometimes the hardest. No one wants to hear that all you need to do is stop obsessing over getting two lines on a pee stick.

It goes without saying that 2011 has been the best year of my life. (2005 is a close second for when we got married.) I never in my wildest imagination thought we would conceive naturally after all we had been through, and I certainly didn't think it would happen this year. I was confident that 2011 would be a good year, but that was more like "Oh yah, I'm sure our dogs will be obedient this year" or "Won't it be neat to go to the winery down the street for their summer Friday picnics?" or "Let's buy some extravagant fancy car just because we won't have to pay for college".

I am so thankful for all that 2011 has meant to our family. Especially the arrival of our baby girl.

I hope that if we hadn't conceived like we did, that I would still be thankful for 2011. It's all hypothetical, but I hope that I would still have relished in the things that are blessings in our lives and held those as an example that no matter the size of our family, we are still very fortunate.

2012, you are coming after quite the year. 2011 set the bar way up high, and it is going to be a hard act to follow. But I will echo what I said last year, in that I hope that in 2012, we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food (now in the crockpot), and falling asleep at 9:15pm (okay maybe now by the time I get the kitchen cleaned up it is more like 9:30 or 10). We are so grateful that we have baby M to love this year, and we pray she will grow healthy and happy and strong and that we will be good parents to her. I don't know what specifically 2012 will hold, but I hope it's a year of health and happiness for our family and friends. And no more cosmic reverse psychology, okay?

Almost drowned in Christmas

I should be sorting laundry or putting away Christmas decorations or, heck, eating breakfast or going back to bed- things I can't really do that well when M is awake, but I wanted to get some reflections on "paper" about our first Christmas as a family of three.

Bottom line, there were many days when I was sure that I would be swallowed up by the preparations of Christmas this year. M is not a very good napper now that she is "older", and when she is awake, of course all I want to do is play with her, so that doesn't make for good conditions for a decorated house or perfectly wrapped gifts. Or Christmas cookies. Or anything else that I would have finished in the second week of December any other year of my life.

Because this year I was a little distracted by an amazing blessing. And I wouldn't trade her for any timely decorations or Christmas cookies.

But I felt a little guilty. It's her first Christmas after all, and isn't it supposed to be perfect? Don't tell her, but we didn't even wrap her gifts from us. (The ones from her aunts/uncles/grandparents were wrapped, of course.) As we were bleary-eyed wrapping one night at 10pm, we couldn't see the point in wrapping gifts that we would be unwrapping for her a week later. She didn't know the difference, right?

We never made it to take her to see Santa. We forgot to take a picture of the three of us in our Christmas outfits (we remembered while she still had her dress on, but we had already gotten into jeans..).

But it all came together. Mr. A helped out alot more than he has ever helped before, and I couldn't have done it without him. We had a nice time visiting his family, and everyone was very thoughtful with their gifts.

It is hard to believe Christmas is already "over", but deep down I am sort of glad. There is so much outside pressure for everything to be perfect, and it was a little overwhelming for me as a new mom. I think it ended up being perfect in its own way, and that's what I'm going to hang onto, not feeling guilty because it wasn't more perfect by someone else's standards.

Because after all, she is a perfect gift to our family, and she is worth celebrating every day of the year :)

So much to say

I barely know where to begin. Life with Maryanne has been really great. We are getting to know her little personality and her cues and what she needs from us to be a happy baby. It is such an honor to be her parents.

I guess a short and sweet update would be good. I have a ton to write about each of these topics, but for now, it will be good for me to at least get some bullet points out to help me organize my thoughts.

• We started breastfeeding in the hospital, where it was clear that she preferred the left side. My milk really never came in when it was supposed to, though, and after many times of trying to feed her that way and having nothing there to drink, she became very frustrated with the idea of even trying. She has a great latch- she is just impatient or something. Per the lactation consultant, I'm eating oatmeal daily and taking fenugreek. Per her pediatrician, I'm on Metaclopramide (spelling probably not right). Thanks to these things, my milk is now here and it's all Maryanne eats. Long story short, I still offer food from the source, but the vast majority of her feedings are pumped milk in a bottle. I am still bummed from time to time that breastfeeding is not going great, but I am very happy that I can pump enough for her to be doing great on breastmilk alone.
• She is sleeping great at night- at least I think so for a newborn. She basically wakes up every 3-4 hours to eat. She has almost even gotten herself on a normal schedule. We are usually up around midnight and 4am, and then again around 7. I always try to put her back in her packnplay after the last feeding, but she is usually up for good around 730am.
• We had almost 3 straight weeks of out of town company after she was born. We are very grateful everyone was so excited and wanted to meet Maryanne and help, but this past Sunday when it was finally just the three of us for the first time since we left the hospital, it was such a relief.
• Cloth diapering is going AWESOME. We are thrilled at how the prefolds and covers are working, especially that we were able to use them from the time she was 2 days old. I did try a newborn AIO, and it leaked (all over the lactation consultant, haha)- Maryanne's legs aren't chubby enough to fill the gaps, I think! I definitely recommend going the prefold route, especially at first. I do a load of diapers every other day and hang them on the clothes line outside, and no stains so far!
• I can't for the life of me figure out the Moby wrap, but she loves the Ergo carrier! Not so much the newborn insert though- but she seems to be 100% comfortable and safe without the newborn insert (she has pretty good head/neck strength already and her legs stay curled up beneath her when she's in the carrier), so we've just been going sans insert.
• Bert and Banana (the dogs) are doing great. As far as we can tell, they have suffered no ill psychological effects from Maryanne's arrival or presence. They are curious about her and protective when someone new is holding her, but when we tell them that "she's okay", they seem placated and let her be. They haven't exhibited any aggression or jealousy at all.

I think those are the main bullet points. I'm working a few mornings here and there, and it seems to be going okay. Definitely nice on the days when I don't log in, though! I can just sit on the couch and eat bonbons.... haha, right!!

Today's goal is to make brownies for Mr. A :)

Do you have any questions for me about how things are going for us? Leave a comment and I'll try to answer anything you're wondering!!

Nesting: My version

I have done more than a couple posts on my in-laws during the last 9 months, and I just had to share this with you, too.

My IL's both grew up in very humble circumstances, but they have managed to situate themselves financially where they have gotten into a habit of buying luxurious things just because they can. Case in point, when they remodeled their kitchen, they put in a $12,000 stove. No, I'm not kidding. And no, they are not gourmet chefs, nor do they even cook from scratch on a regular basis. But you would think, from how they talk, that their oven makes better muffins than my regular one does. (I assure you, the muffins are the same, if not better, from my oven.)

And when MIL was talking about buying a new car, she was saying how she wanted the one that costs almost $60k. Her reasoning? Well because she wants it to last 9 or 10 years. Mr. A reminded her that my car cost $23k 9 years ago, and it has been an awesome, reliable car.

So you get my point. There is really no need to spend as much money as they do.

The other area where MIL spends a ton of useless money is furniture. We all joke about it, but between 2 houses they own, I think we counted 13 couches. Not including chairs. The joke is who's going to get willed the couches when she dies. Ha! She is constantly moving them from one room to another or rearranging the layout of the rooms (much to FIL's and her sons' dismay...).

Anyway, yesterday we were IM'ing. She goes, "Are you moving furniture or cleaning closets or any nesting things like that?"

Hehe. If this baby isn't going to come until I'm moving furniture, she is going to be in there indefinitely! We have ONE couch, a recliner, and an oversized chair in our family room, and it has been arranged in one of two positions in the whole past 4 years, and we only moved things because Mr. A wanted to see how it looked!!! (We left it in the second arrangement for a few months and then moved it back.)

And while I did clean out our closet in March to organize it for a maternity section, and I cleaned Maryanne's closet to make it organized with her stuff, the other two bedroom closets are untouched!!! Actually, they are probably worse off than they were in January, because where do you think all the stuff from Maryanne's closet went?! Haha!

I told her that I was not moving furniture or cleaning closets, and she concluded that I won't deliver for another two weeks then. (Because, clearly, you have to move a couch before your baby comes...)

Instead, I told her that my nesting comes in the form of making tons of scratch freezer meals and taking care of unruly landscaping. I could tell that she didn't buy it, but she tried really hard, responding "Well if you are restless, that is good, too."

Hehe. To each her own ;-)

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

Insert foot....

Had another good midwife appointment this morning! After that random high blood pressure week, it is down again this week (as it was last week). I guess it was just a fluke or something!

Mr. A was so excited to share the name of baby girl. He just couldn't wait any longer!! So even though I wanted it to be a surprise, I feel like I should honor his excitement and had him share with our families!!

Basically, we combined our moms' names for her first name, and used my Grandma's (who just passed away in July) middle name as her middle name. All in all, her name is very traditional and feminine, and her middle name is kind of an older one that you don't hear often anymore. Her first two initials are MH. So far, out of everyone who has responded (most people), only one person has acted like they totally did not like it. (Even Mr. A's brothers said it sounded pretty!)

When I emailed this person her name today, I was all excited to share it with her because I'd just talked to her on Saturday and she was wanting to know. She said that her vote would be for something traditional.

What does she email back today?

"Joke will be on you when I call her M for the next 10 years!"

Um.

I don't get it. That is her name!

Hahaha. Awkward!!!

We exchanged a few more email "conversations" where she asked "who is H?", and "how did you come up with M? random?". She never said anything about liking it or anything!

I was really surprised. Have to say it kind of stunk to field her reaction, and I know that all that matters is that we like the name, but I am just so glad that everyone else we've told loves it!! Even Mr. A's mom who has been decidedly and unpredictably disinterested in the pregnancy said that she liked the name and was honored that we used her name in baby girl's first name. Good PR move by us, huh? Haha. It wasn't just for PR though- Mr. A first came up with the idea, and we love her first name!

So anyway, I am not sure how my next interaction with my friend will go. It was so awkward after how she responded at first! Luckily, I don't actually see her that often, so maybe it won't be weird by whenever I see her next.

But whatever! Cat's outta the bag, and we are excitedly looking forward to the day when M comes out to play!

Preparations (type-A heaven)

This post will probably be boring or totally hilarious to those of you fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants'ers, but I have had alot of fun preparing for this baby, and luckily, there are only a few things on my list that are not completed. I am feeling great, and I think it is helping me to feel very calm about the "any day now" baby birthing that is ahead of me.

So here goes :)

Here was my "Before the Baby" list:
set up downstairs changing area
order more wipe solution
buy witch hazel @ the drugstore
finish prepping AIO's
fix roof (totally new roof getting put on second week of Oct!)
pack hospital bag
talk to neighbors about dog care
unpack car seat, pack n' play, bouncer
make freezer meals
organize/label linen closet
clean out car
install car seat
clean off kitchen bench
write house manual
make a list of favorite recipes
make housekey copies
clean vacuum filters
clean the house (thank you, cleaning crew!)
organize freezers
buy vegetarian something for Great Aunt B
reorganize family room shelves

(And no arguing, Great Aunt B. You are not going to come here and have to eat celery while serving up delicious carnivore meals for my hubby (and me) (and whoever else is here)... There WILL be boca burgers for you, if I have to make a special trip before we go to the hospital....)

It has been really fulfilling to cross things off this list. I just went this morning and got some last minute things at the store, and I think I won't have to make another trip before M comes, as long as she is not overdue. That is so exciting for me!

Today has been really great. I slept kind of awful on Thursday night thanks to my runny nose, but last night I slept SO much better. We had a light breakfast, and then I went to run some errands- grocery store, Target (cotton skirt for laboring, hooks to hang up brooms/mops in laundry room), the bulk store, and the farm. I've changed our sheets, done 4 loads of laundry, hung all then hanging clothes up, and folded and put away all the other clothes. In between all this, I talked to one of my friends for about half an hour while eating lunch, and laid down and got my fill of the Saturday Food Network lineup. Now we are just waiting on Mr. A to get home from his pilot training. I'm making sloppy joe's for dinner- a double batch so I can freeze what's leftover for when M is here!!!

And speaking of FOOD, I've prepared 10 items (including sloppy joe's tonight) for the freezer that will hopefully come in handy when M is here. I made them all last week, and while there was one day that was kind of hectic (I made the pulled pork and enchiladas in the same day), it all came together kind of quick! Here is the list

Chili
Meatballs (30) (for subs or pasta)
Enchiladas (9x13 pan)
Pulled BBQ Pork
Sloppy Joes
Pizza Crusts (4)
Meatloaf (2)
Hamburgers (10)
Honey Garlic Chicken
Cooked (roasted) Chicken (enough for 3 meals: Chicken Pot Pie, Chicken Salad Sandwiches, Almond Chicken Bake)

I made double batches of chili, enchiladas, and sloppy joes (tonight), and froze whatever we didn't eat for dinner. All of the other things were specially prepared just for the freezer. I thought it would seem like more work than it was, making totally extra dinners, but it wasn't too bad at all. This is my first foray into freezer cooking- I hope we will like the results!!!

I did actually write up some "Kitchen Info" and "Laundry Info" for visitors when they are here, including the location of key items, and what foods are in which freezer (kitchen or garage). I hope it will help. I am sure that Mr. A's mom will still be totally befuddled as to where the chemical-laden Dow.ny is (we just use vinegar for fabric softener), and I'm sure that someone will put my sharp knives in the dishwasher, but I'm going to have to let it go. This whole having people stay at my house and not be totally in charge of making everyone comfortable will be a huge departure from my normal hostess self, but maybe my type-A personality could use a little rounding at the edges ;-) For now though, I am grateful for it- I am feeling totally relaxed and happy and ready/excited/hopeful for labor to start so we can all meet M!

I am going to bed at 6pm.

It's just one of those days.

I work for a national agency that does not have "maternity leave" per se, in that there is no specific paid time off- whatever leave we take after having a baby has to either be leave we have saved or leave without pay.

Several months ago (I just went back to look for my post on it, and I am flabbergasted that I never wrote an in-law installment on this occurrence), my MIL lectured me on what I was thinking for maternity leave, saying that I could only use 6 weeks of my sick time for time off after the baby. Any extra time had to be vacation time. This assinine policy had never even crossed my mind, and I was so anxious after her lecture that I could barely sleep that night.

Since I have been blessed with good health, of course I have 5 times as much sick time saved as I do vacation time. But I remembered that my boss took quite a while off after her baby, so I just brushed my MIL's tirade off as antiquated policy. My FIL (they both work for the same agency) seemed to agree that MIL had no idea what she was talking about, since now they allow fathers to take up to 12 weeks of time off. So I felt much better.

A few weeks ago, I came up with a plan based on my current available leave balances. This plan included me being totally off for a month, working one day every two weeks for two months, working part time in January, and coming back full time in February. I know that alot of women get considerably less (just the 6 weeks), but I have been dreaming of the day when the sick leave balance takes a major hit because of a baby, and there were alot of times when I thought that day would never get here. What else was I saving sick time for, anyway?

This morning, I had a teleconference with my boss about my maternity leave plans. I emailed her a copy of my master plan (above), and she said it looked fine, and that only 6 weeks of the total hours I was planning on taking off could be categorized as sick time.

Well, then my plan wasn't fine, because in my master plan, the bulk of the hours were going to be sick time hours!! How is that fine?!

Maybe it is totally superficial for me to feel this way, but I feel like my whole happy maternity leave plan just got knocked off its axis, and this has completely ruined my day. Now, in order for me to not go back full time until January, I'll have to work a morning every two weeks in October, one day a week end of October-beginning of December, and part time in December. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but I was so excited about not working and being able to leisurely get ready for Christmas with our new baby without having to worry about regular working!!! Now it's all just disappeared before my eyes.

I am SO frustrated with this policy. I have twice as much sick time as I am being allowed to use right now. What the hell am I supposed to use sick time on, if I can't use it while I'm trying to take care of a newborn!!? My boss says that kids are always sick, and I will be surprised how much sick time I use even after I'm back to "full time", but I don't remember me (or any of my sibs) "always being sick" when we were little.

At this rate, I'm going to retire with eight thousand hours of sick time. I don't think they should be able to tell me I can't use time I have saved up for when I will need time off.

UGH.

I was pretty surprised at how the meeting went- she is usually very easy-going and will often times let rules be bent, but she made no apologies for this policy. She said I could ask my midwife for a note saying that I needed more "sick time" off after the baby, but what are we, in third-freakin'-grade!??!!? I know it's not her fault, but I am just surprised that she wasn't more apologetic, and that kind of bummed me out even more.

THEN I had another meeting with her and another supervisor about an actual case I'm working on, and they decided they didn't quite agree with my position, and would it be possible to do some extra work on the case on the side before we figure out what we're going to do with it?

Oh, sure, that will be just peachy.

THEN, the cleaning people called while I was on the phone with the second meeting, and left a message which didn't show up until 15 minutes after they were supposed to be here for our cleaning estimate. What did it say? They were calling to confirm our estimate appointment. Since I didn't call them back before the estimate time, they never showed up!

AAAAH!!!

So I called them back and rescheduled for 3pm this afternoon, when they actually did show up, but in between the second meeting and 3pm, of course I was grossly unproductive because I was just steaming over this whole leave issue. (The cleaning estimate is higher than Mr. A thought it would be, but at this point, I feel like throwing in the towel on everything. It's only money, right?)

THEN, I am sitting here trying to resume work like I was supposed to be doing all day, and my midwife's number shows up on my phone. I thought, Oh my Lord, if my urine sample was bonkers and they are just calling now to tell me so on today of all days, I am seriously going to lose it.

Luckily, she was just calling to check to see if I'd developed any other clinical symptoms of high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia (which I thought was really sweet of her to call and check), and that my urine jug's protein was within the normal ranges. If my blood pressure is still high on Monday, though, she will probably want to re-run the 24-hr catch. Oh great fun that will be! She did say, though, that she would write me a note that I need to reduce my work hours until the baby is born, which since they will be before I have the baby, do not affect the 6 week limit after she is here, so maybe that will give me some satisfaction as far as taking sick leave to "care" for our little one. So that will be nice. Except she said she wants me to reduce the work hours so I can stay off my feet. And I'm envisioning making tons of freezer meals in my afternoons off...

And I am sure that as worked up as I am about the whole leave fiasco, my blood pressure was not exactly laying low today. Totally sucks.

Potential Infertility (once removed)

My other sister (not the mural one) is accompanying her husband on a 4-month educational trip, and they are leaving next Thursday and returning at the end of December. They will be going to countries all over the world, so they have gotten a zillion and one shots to protect them from whatever foreign buggies that might be lurking there.

Some of these shots don't jive with pregnancy, or young children, so while she has wanted to try to have children for at least the last year and a half, they have held off because of this trip. Supposedly, according to her, they will start to try in late fall (on the boat). (I have my reservations about whether her husband is "on board" (get it? ha) with trying for kids on the boat, but if he isn't, it is going to break her heart, so I hope for her sake that he is.) Her hubby has a chronic health condition that has had him on auto-immune and other bigtime meds for his whole life, and I think that knowing that Mr. A and I are both totally healthy and it still took us 4 years to conceive this baby girl makes her nervous about waiting much longer (she will be 29 in October)...

Last year, the fact that they were waiting was comforting to me. You know how it is, sigh of relief that my younger sister wouldn't bear the oldest grandchild. It eased my mind that maybe by some crazy miracle, we'd have a baby before they got back, or at least that I'd be pregnant by then.

Enter crazy miracle.

So I've offered that she could take my fertility monitor and "Yoga for Fertility" DVD with her on the boat trip. Because I know she has wanted to try for a while, I thought for sure she would totally want these things.

But when I asked her about them yesterday, she said she maybe wants the DVD, but not the monitor. (They are "trying to cut down on the amount of things they are bringing". Um, it is the size of a big deoderant... anyway...)

I have to admit that my heart sank a little. Didn't she want to bust onto the TTC field armed with all the tools possible?!

I worry that her husband has convinced her to not really worry about it on the boat, and that she is again having to make excuses for why they can't/won't really try yet. I worry that he has decided he doesn't want kids until sometime further in the future. I worry that they will also have unanticipated issues conceiving, and although I am well-prepared to support her in the trenches, no sister wants to see her other sister go through that.

Of course when they decide to try is totally up to them, a lesson that infertility smashes in your face and makes you learn the hard way- not to judge others' family-expansion time lines. But I know that she wanted to start trying a year and a half ago.

So I guess my monitor will stay put in our bathroom for a little longer.

But really, who am I kidding? Who wants to start the betting pool that they will come home 2 months pregnant?

Emotional

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. And unfortunately, this morning was tough, too. I'm hoping today will only get better.

I had a midwife appointment first thing yesterday morning.

-Good news is that my blood pressure was the best it's been in a long time :) Yay! (Not that it was ever bad, but it was just better this time..)
-Medium news is that I technically passed my 3-hr glucose test (yay!), with the caveat that I still failed the 1-hr draw (but I passed the fasting, 2-hr, and 3-hr). So my midwife said while I do not have the diagnosis of GD, I have "some glucose intolerance" and "unless {I} want a big baby, {I} need to steer clear of juices, ice cream, and pies". (Yes, she really said "pies", which for some reason I think is kind of funny.)
-Bad news is that I gained 3lbs in the last 2 weeks.

Good news is good news, and I'm so grateful for it!!

Medium news is harder. I am also grateful to have technically passed, and I fully acknowledge that some providers would have just said "you passed" instead of giving me my specific numbers and pointing out that I didn't pass one of the draws. So, given another provider, it's possible that I would not be going through heartache over it. But since I know, I am just worried. I feel like I already eat pretty darn heathily- no cokes, no mounds of cookies, no daily cartons of ice cream, no white breads, etc. (I will admit to a glass of juice on the weekends and a few cookies once in a blue moon when I make them.) But I feel like I need to follow a GD diet. I don't want the baby to get too much sugar, and following a GD diet is the only thing I can think of. I asked my mom to send me the meal plan flip chart that her dietician gave her when she had GD with my brother. She is a nurse, and when I told her that I didn't pass one of the levels, her reaction was a tad more intense than I had wanted, but I should have expected as much. It is just alot to take in, trying to change what I thought was already a healthy diet.

I think I'll have tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch today. HA!... speaking of tomatoes and cucumbers......

Bad news hit hard. Especially since I don't really feel like my eating habits or quantities have changed at all, and I'm still walking 40 minutes a day and doing yoga 4-5 times a week. Lest you be worried that I am fretting about gaining weight, be not afraid! I will gain as much weight as it takes to grow this healthy baby girl without blinking an eye. But what worries me is that it is too much too fast or something, and that it isn't healthy for her, or it isn't healthy for me, and I need to be healthy to make sure she grows heathily!!! I have been pretty pleased with my weight gain over this pregnancy, but I've gained 9lbs since the middle of June (+19lbs total for the pregnancy at 31w), and it just seems like that is alot. (Although my midwife isn't concerned- of course I asked!) I also shared this frustration with my mom, and while I totally agree that honesty is the best policy, I was looking for a tad more reassurance that I wasn't turning into a blimp. She suggested that I just start eating half of the portions I've been eating. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get the recommended amount of protein and/or other nutrients for baby girl's development if I do that. I just want to be the healthiest I can for our little one, and I think good weight management will be best for us both.....

So maybe I'll have half of a cucumber and half of a tomato for lunch... hahahahaha....

But, the silver lining to the midwife appointment is that my blood pressure was great, baby girl's heartbeat sounded lovely, and my belly is measuring just right. Thank you, Lord!!

Moving on, work actually went fairly well yesterday. I walked the pups early because we had our first hospital class from 7-9pm last night. Our set of classes meets from 7-9pm seven times in August. Wow, we are going to be exhausted....

We arrived at the class, and with the exception of the high school table (okay, maybe they are in their late teens/early twenties), the other couples are around our age or maybe a little older. We received a pretty decent informational book, and Mr. A (being the written-learner that he is) sat right down and started reading through it. It's a magazine-style book, maybe 80 pages with words and figures. The presenter was good (I think she covered 1.5-2 chapters between just talking and showing a couple videos?), but she didn't hold a candle to Mr. A's need to mow through the book. I am very thankful that he was so interested in reading through the book. I know that he would have gobbled up even more technical details if they had been in there. Needless to say, he finished reading it about 3/4 of the way through the class and has declared that he now knows everything there is to know about it.

Mostly because "it's just common sense".

Now Mr. A is a very logical, common-sense type of guy. I actually do feel fairly confident that if we never read one word about labor and delivery and had to deliver our baby ourselves in the middle of a forgotten forest, we would have a successful go of it. But at 9:15pm, when he was hungry again, and we were both tired, and all he could say about the class was essentially that the other couples should just read the book and understand like he did, and that the rest of the childbirth prep classes are going to be a colossal waste of time, it was just one more heap of emotional weight on me yesterday. I admit I don't really feel like I "learned" anything last night either, but it was just alot to take in after the morning I'd had.

Although the one hilarious thing that he did glean from the presentation was that the hospital's baby warmers are directly analogous to "the heat lamps that keep the hashbrowns warm at McDonald's".. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So all in all, I went to bed totally emotionally spent. I am in awe that we are at the point where we are getting to do these things to prepare for our baby. And just like infertility, some days are rough.

This morning I didn't want to get up. I just felt so overwhelmed with the feelings of failure from yesterday. After we walked the dogs and Mr. A left for work, I sat with the pups on the couch. When I tried to tell Bert that I was having a hard morning, I seriously almost started crying. Sheesh!!! When I emailed Mr. A that I was having a bad morning, and he called to check on me, I did cry when I was trying to explain what was wrong. Surely, my yoga class would be a pick-me-up....

Except that when I got on the interstate to go to yoga, they were paving one lane, and there was a several-mile backup. Not going to make it to class 25 miles away, on time, going 3 miles an hour.... so I turned around, came home, and watched the Bac.helorette finale on hu.lu instead. (YAY JP!!)

I was supposed to have a teleconference at 1pm, but it looks like the other person has forgotten to call. That is okay with me. (Watch, he will call now.) Today can only get better!

At the end of the day, we are so thankful for this little girl. Her movements have been really awesome to feel in the last few days, and it is so cool. I tear up just thinking that she will be here in about 9 weeks, give or take. I guess this is only the beginning of some serious emotions!!

(ETA: I hope it's obvious that I am not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about how even the silliest things strike such fear of failure when you are PAIF. Like I could care less if I have to eat nothing but celery the rest of the pregnancy to cut out sugars and gain a healthy amount of weight- anything so that I don't fail at bringing this healthy baby into the world!!)

Nursery Photos

Behold, my sister's masterpieces (inspired by Eri.c Carl.e)!! We are in awe of her talent, and so thankful she would spend the time and energy to leave such an amazing mark on our baby girl's room!!

















She is also doing three separate paintings that will be framed and hung above the crib- I am sure they will be just as amazing as these murals!!