Out of practice, I suppose.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

GEEZ.  I guess I really need to get back to blogging because apparently the whole point of my last post was lost on everyone.  Or at least everyone who decided to comment.  Surely there is at least one reader who understood what I was trying to say?

Which was....I am sad that my sister's pregnancy will be yet another thing we don't connect about.

Yes, she is handling it differently.  Yes, she has yet to tell a soul (for those of you who were confused- I think it is a little weird to wait until 13 weeks to tell close family, and I think it is even weirder to not have told them by 17 weeks).  Yes, she doesn't want to go shopping.  Yes, that is her prerogative.  Yes, I can't understand how or why she is acting this way (misfit, I have often wondered if the baby has a problem or if they are having marital dismay over this new development, but if anything is amiss, they aren't letting anyone know (par for the course!)).

But the bottom line is that I am just bummed out.  We have never really "clashed" (okay, maybe once last year before Easter), but in general, we are just not alike, and it is a disappointment to me that our differences do not really "attract" but instead they make me feel boring, lame, and pretty much like a transparent bystander in her life.  They have so many friends and hobbies and activities going on, and while we live 30 minutes away, they do not call us to see if we'd like to join them doing whatever it is that they're doing.   She could probably say that we don't invite them to do anything either, but we don't really "do" much anyway  (see?  I feel so lame...), so it would just be coming over to our house, which we invite them all the time, but they usually have other fancy plans already!

When we moved here 4 years ago, I thought that we would hang out all the time.  That October, I had mentioned that I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch.  Imagine my heartache when her cell phone pocket dialed me....while they were at the pumpkin patch with his sister.  For 5 long minutes, I listened and I cried.  The next day, I called her and asked her why she didn't invite us to go with them.  She didn't have an answer.  I had to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations:  Just because we lived close didn't mean we'd be close or that they would incorporate us into their lives.  It took months for me to get over this.

I am waiting for the day (sometime soon, I imagine) when her cell phone pocket dials me again.  This time she will be gleefully registering at BRU with her college friends.  I will listen for 5 minutes and cry.

No matter how rosy the future might look all y'all commenters who think I'm just an awful mean sister,  it's time for me to make a concerted effort to adjust my expectations again.  Just because we will both have little babies close in age doesn't mean we'll be close or that they will incorporate us into their lives.  It will take a long time for me to get over this.

But that's why I'm bummed.  When I first found out, I had hoped that this time would be different.  Maybe this similarity would be the thing that bridged our differences.  But no, it's just more of the same story.

I know that alot of people aren't close with their siblings, and it's no big deal to them.  But I can't keep teasing myself that she and I will be close someday.  I was thinking about it today while walking the dogs, and it's sort of like that book/movie "He's just not that into you".  At some point, I have to admit that she's just not that into me and move on.

And for the 50th time this post, I'll say that it's just sad.  And that was the point of my last post.  No haters this time, okay?


J o s e y said...

I just went back and read the comments on your last post, and I really don't think anyone wanted to be a hater - we just didn't get the point (heart) of your last post, like you said.

It totally sucks that you don't connect with your sister. I get wanting to be closer... and it's a total bummer that this shared experience hasn't been the key to that.

Sorry hon. :)

Coco said...

I'm sorry. And I'm really sorry if what I said upset you. I get what you're saying now, and you have every right to feel sad and grieve this loss... because it is a loss. It's so hard to have unmet expectations with family. My sister, who I have the most difficult time with (mostly because her husband is a giant SOB) is at the hospital right now with her father in law, who has maybe 24 hours left to live. I am totally at a loss as what to do. I don't even know if it would be appropriate to call and offer condolences. They'll probably be offended if I don't, and irritated if I do... and she hasn't even told me (or even texted me) to tell me anything is going on. She told everyone else 3 days ago. So I am totally like, what do I do?????? Anyway, I get the grieving over a relationship that will never be what it's "supposed to be." I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Trisha said...

Can I be a hater? Totally kidding! You know, I know exactly how you feel but not with the whole pregnancy issue. My sister and I live a whopping 15 minutes away from one another and it's rare that I see her. We do talk on the phone but our interests, etc are totally different. She just got married last year and says she doesn't want children but who knows what will happen with that. I'm like you, I wish we could hang out more and do "sister" stuff but it just doesn't happen. I think we should just adopt each other as sisters :) Hang in there girl!

Anonymous said...

If it's worth anything, I totally got what you were saying on your last post. It's like me with my mom. We're not close, and I've accepted that. It still hurts to see friends who are close with their moms, though, because I wish I had that relationship. I feel like I've missed out on something, and have had to grieve that loss.

In this case, it makes perfect sense to feel the way you do, especially considering some of the history you mentioned in this post. You wish you had a sister you could talk baby stuff with, who you could have playdates with, who you could swap maternity clothes with, and who would raise their child right beside yours. Instead you have a sister who seems to want to be distant, keep you at arm's length in her life, and do all those sister-y things with other people, despite you trying. That hurts, plain and simple. And it DOES suck.

I wish I knew how to help, or what to say. Friends can make up for a lot, but you'll always have your sister in your life, so it's still different.

Anyway, it's been a long time since I commented, and at that point I was on a different blog (I was due the day after you!) so I don't even know if you remember me, but I wanted to post to let you know that I get it (I think. :-) )

-Holly (www.therealmamadiaries.com)

Stephanie Ann said...

Yeah, I totally missed the point and feel bad and stupid. So sorry for adding insult to injury. :(

Lady Grey said...

I'm so sorry that your relationship with your sister is like that. That is really tough, particularly at this time where there must be so many "might have beens". Sorry it's so stressful :(

Praying for Hope said...

It sounds like my relationship with my mom. We're fairly clost - physically as well as emotionally - but not at the same time. Mom's only 35 minutes away. She never drops by, she never invites us to visit (although she'd be fine if we just showed up one day), and she rarely ever calls. If we talk, I'm the one calling, usually over my lunch hour, and we chatter away until it's time for me to get back to work. I suppose it's always been like this. I sometimes wich it could be otherwise - Kathleen will not have the same relationship with her grandmother that I had with mine - but it isn't.

I'm sorry your sister's relationship with you is hitting you this way. It's hard when you want something more but the other party doesn't seem to agree.

On a personal note, this makes me think about people's reactions when I tell them we're not having any more children - we're happy with our one. People occasionally like to comment that she needs a brother or a sister. I can't help but wonder why. Just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you'll be close in spite of whatever efforts you put into the relationship. It can leave someone in the situation you're in now. And I am sorry about that.

Sarah B said...

Sibling relationships are just plain complicated! I can see how it might be hard to know that you could be so much closer given your life circumstances, but you just aren't. Hope you can find a way to co-exist in and with your family in a way that doesn't dsirupt the peace too much. I hope you have some good girlfriends to be sisterly with :)

Leah said...

Definitely not a hater here, and I think I understood your last post, especially after this post, and it does suck that you aren't close to your sis, especially if that's what you want. Sibling relationships are complicated, and it involves so much of just accepting who the other person is. Which can be really hard at times.

Rach said...

Regarding the finger paint. She didnt try to eat it, but it says it's non toxic. If I buy traditional finger paint I'll probably get the all natural stuff like the paint sold here http://www.clementineart.com/

Hope that helps!

Also, would really appreciate a vote for Avalyn! They have dropped to 2nd.


the misfit said...

You're right - I totally missed that this was about a bigger pattern rather than just the pregnancy. (People can be weird about pregnancies. You know, I've heard.) I would have really lost it over that pumpkin patch thing. I can't imagine not being close to my sister, who is probably my best friend in the world. Then again, when I let my heart un-freeze, it does make me sad to see other women who are close to their HUSBANDS. So there's that.

I can't help thinking that there's some underlying thing interfering with your relationship with her. We're way too old for a sibling to be just "uncool." But after all this time, if she were hurt by something, you'd think she'd have said so. I guess some people just have their own odd reasons for things, whatever those may be. I hope that whatever the obstacle is, it gets resolved some day.

TeeJay said...

It's been way too long since you have updated. How are you? How is little Miss? Hope things are going well for you.