Post Christmas

Home again, home again.  I am so grateful that we love coming home.  When I was little (and even now), my mom always resented my dad for having a job in a city 10 hours from her parents, and so every time we left my grandparents' house, she cried and cried and chewed out my dad for the first couple hours of the drive home.  My mom still cries when we leave their house- I hope she doesn't mind that I don't, but as much as it is nice to visit them, there is truly no place like home for us.  We would rather be here than anywhere else in the whole world. 

We had a very nice Christmas, and I'm very grateful for smooth travels, and I will not complain too much about the cold I brought home with me. 

I never heard from my friend, but I know that everyone deals with life's struggles differently, and if she needs some time in her shell, so to speak, then that is perfectly fine.  I will be here for her when she is ready.

I started spotting this evening, and it reminded me of 2 years ago, to the day, when I started a new cycle that would bring us our first BFP.  I would be hugely lying if I didn't tell you that I've already thought about how perfect it would be if this cycle also brought us a BFP.  But seriously that would be too easy, so let's just do our best to let that thought go right out the window.  But wouldn't that be neat?  Hahahahaha.

I hope all my readers had good Christmases, and I hope your celebrations were kind and gentle, especially to any of you who are still living with empty arms.

A note

She emailed me back this afternoon  :)

The short and not-so-sweet is that yes, their arms are still empty, and in the meantime life has also dealt them a bunch of crap in general.  Not what any friend wants to hear about another but I was just glad to hear anything.  She is going to call me next week to really catch up.

Please keep both of them, individually and as a married couple, in your prayers.  Her hubby especially, because he's a kindred optimistic-all-the-time spirit like me, and she said he is finally losing hope that he'll be a dad, and it's very hard on him.  I totally feel his pain, because I had pretty much given up hope, too, and as an eternal optimist, that is not an easy thing to do.  (I never lost hope totally, just maybe 90% of it, haha.)

She said she doesn't want to bring me down with talking about still dealing with IF, and I can honestly say that I still think about it all the time, so it's not like I'm living in lala motherhood land where IF has no place.  Is that weird?  Not just because I'd love to "accidentally" conceive another baby as many infertiles do in the fairy tales, but because every time I hug Maryanne and rock her to sleep, I'm reminded of the times when I didn't have any baby to hug, and when I cried to myself in the same rocking chair when I found out another ungrateful friend was pregnant...again.   There are no words to express how thankful I am for M, but I don't think IF in the deepest sense will ever go away for me. 

Sending a prayer of thanks tonight for my friend and her willingness to trust me with her sadness and struggles.  Also sending a prayer that I will be able to be all that she needs me to be as her friend and support system.

No word

I havent heard anything from my friend.  My heart is aching for her.   In all our Christmas cards this year, i included our family picture, and although it took me a while to decide, i put one in her card, too.  I never wanted to be left out and neither did she..  last time we talked. 

I sent her an email "warning" about the picture, and i said if she received it on a hard day, she didnt have to open it.

As i was thinking more about her, what if she is jusy really busy at work?  Is it selfish of me to assume her silence is related to me having M, while her arms are empty?  I just wish id hear from her so i could stop wondering...

On the other side

I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message.  It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi.  I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime.  I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note.  I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch.  I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling.  Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."

Good?  I haven't heard anything back from her...

I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in.  When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it.  By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me.  And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon.  But that sounds so backwards to write.  Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously?  (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)


And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child.  So how can I be bummed?  No possible way!  But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky.  I wish it would be so easy for us."

So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend.  Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.