New verse

Long before M was conceived, I chose Isaiah 66:14 to pray for our child.  It was scrawled on a post-it on my computer monitor, where I saw it while I worked each day.  It is what I prayed as I sat on the tub holding our first positive test, two years ago.

Last night, in reflecting on my current position in my journey to/through motherhood, I decided I needed a new verse to "claim", as some would say, to allow me to focus on the right things, and not get bogged down in my own ideas. 

One of my favorite hymns is "Eye Has Not Seen", and we sang it in church a few weeks ago, and it has become one of my favorite songs to sing to M as she drifts to sleep.  It occurred to me that this is the perfect verse for me right now, and so it's going up on a post-it this afternoon:

"But as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, nor the heart of man imagined- the things God has prepared for those who love Him."

CD1

OBVIOUSLY.  It would have been too easy, too perfect, to get another BFP almost exactly 2 years later.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.  Or to fertile people. 

All morning I have been arguing with myself.  There is the one half of me who is bummed, sarcastic, and insecure.  Then there is the other half of me who sees no reason to complain: there is a perfect little 15-month old peacefully sleeping upstairs after making pie dough and playing with her babydoll and running errands with me this morning.

Over the weekend, I caught myself several times thinking, wow I have finally hit my mom stride.  I work out every day, eat well, work full time, practice yoga, make all 98% of our meals from scratch (aside from the maybe one or two times we go out to eat every month), and be the best mom I can be to M.  I recently got this cookbook, and I have been way reinspired to make nearly everything homemade, from scratch.  Over the weekend, among normal meals, I made granola, 2 loaves of bread, pasta dough into ravioli (enough for 2 meals), breadcrumbs, lots of vegetable purees for secretly nutritional things (although M loves her veggies- she eats peas and green beans before anything else on her plate!), and this morning I made pie dough for my own toaster pastries, i.e. pop tarts.  It feels awesome!! 

I knew I was towards the end of my cycle, and this weekend I found myself thinking back to the first few months with M when I was a cooking mess- nothing was ready on time, much less at the same time as any other part of the meal, and I just could not get it together.  (I know, I've retroactively cut myself some slack, but I felt like such a huge failure at the time.)  But as I've been preparing all of these awesome things from my own kitchen, I was thinking, what if I'm pregnant?  Will I be able to keep this up when the new baby comes?

Which is just hilarious, as the CVS clerk can attest to the 2 huge boxes of pads I bought this morning.  Hahahahaha!

And then last night I started spotting, and I just thought to myself, well duh.  Why were you even hoping?

This morning I have been going back and forth all over the place.  One minute I am just so disappointed (although to be honest, our timing stunk last cycle, so it was a crazy long shot), and the other minute, I am so grateful that I can give M my undivided attention and love.  One minute, I am so jealous of people who get pregnant easily, and the other minute, I am beating myself up because how dare I complain- I have been blessed with M (and also because technically, we got pregnant with her "easily", in that we were on no meds and doing nothing except normal babymaking)!!!

It's a weird thing.  I apologize if this is hurtful for those of you with empty arms; if it seems insensitive that I'm complaining about CD1 even though we have M. We are so, so grateful for her, and she is 100% filled the hole in our family.  When it comes down to it, we are completely happy if God's plan for our family is the three of us.

But how long do I let myself wonder if our family will ever be any bigger?

Who me? An award!

Did you know I still have (at least) one reader?  AND, I didn't even know she was a reader!  How fun was it for me to check my email, and see that I've been nominated for an award by Erica at Home of the Hansens.  I have just gone over and gotten to know her blog, and she has a beautiful daughter and seems of a very similar spirit as me.  I'm so so glad she nominated me, so I can add her to my blogroll and keep up with her!!  Thank you, Erica!

So anyway, she has given me the Liebster Award, and here are the details:

1. List 11 facts about yourself
2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you left
3. Ask 11 new questions for those you nominate
4. Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate
5. Go to each bloggers page and let them know about the award
6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog

Here are 11 facts about me!

1.  I am addicted to Lands End clothes.  Especially since I've lost 30 lbs since September, and I literally needed some new clothes that fit.  Someone take their website down!  Hahaha
2. I took classical ballet for 8 years when I was younger (gradeschool/middleschool), and I was in our production of The Nutcracker each year, so I was everything from a soldier (my first year) to a snowflake and Arabian (solo) (my last year)!
3. Roasted Chicken is one of my favorite things to make for dinner.  Not only is it pretty easy to make (just stuff some herb butter under the skin and on the outside and throw it in the oven for a couple hours), but it is so versatile- you can make stock from the bones, and unless you have a family of 5 or something, you can get at least 2 meals from the meat!
4. One of my goals for 2013 is a whole-house purge.  Every closet is (hypothetically) going to get emptied, and stuff we dont use is either going to the trash or the early summer neighborhood yard sale.
5. I've been at my job for ten and a half years.  WHOA.  Where on earth did the time go?  
6. I have been practicing yoga for 2 years now, and I absolutely love it.  I love the meditative side for quiet moments, and the power/flow side for weight loss and cardio!  I am by no means an expert (I tried to do a headstand against the wall, and all I have to say is YAH RIGHT!  hahahhahaha), but I guess I will get more adventurous as the years go by :)
7.  I love to be outside.  I take M outside to play at every opportunity, and I hope she grows up liking being outside with me!
8. I've run 2 full marathons (4:02 and 4:19), 2 half marathons (1:56 and 2:04), and lots of 10-milers.  That was in my previous running life, but I absolutely loved running!  Maybe someday I will be the super-fit 50-something who goes cruising by the 20-something in the last mile ;-)
9. I'm the oldest of 4 kids...and now that we are all grown up, we are really good friends :)
10. I really want to keep up better with my blog.  I am thinking about making a commitment to myself to post once a week.  That shouldn't be too hard, should it?
11. I've never been to New York City- the traffic and chaos kind of scares me!!

Here are my answers to her questions!

1. If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you choose?  One of my younger siblings.  I think it would be so neat to have an older sibling.

 

2. Favorite season and why  It used to be summer, but since we moved to our rural mountain/valley location 5 years ago, my favorite season is fall I think.  It so beautiful, and the temperatures are refreshing after the hot summer

3. Who is your greatest role model? (And don't say Jesus.)  I think I would choose my Aunt.  She is an awesome wife and mom, and also she is incredibly faithful/spiritual, and amidst all the hurry of managing her large family, she still makes time for herself and hobbies that make her happy. 

4. What is one thing you hope the next generation will change?  I hope they will get back to more traditional values and expectations of hard work and success.

 

5. If you had to live every day in the same pair of shoes, what shoes would you pick?  My driving mocs from Lands End.  (see #1 of facts about me, hahahaha)

 

6. How many children do you hope to have? (And do you have names picked out?)  I would love to have 3, but after how long it took to conceive M, I am not holding my breath.  I dream of being one of the infertile-turned-fertile people, but also not holding my breath...   We like the name Felix if we ever have a boy..?

 

7. What are three words you would hope someone would use to describe you?  Optimistic, Generous, Friendly

8. What is your worst habit?  Not washing my face at night

 

9. What is your favorite scent?  Homemade rolls baking.  Or anything cooking that fills the house with a homey scent :)

 

10. In one sentence, what do you believe is the purpose of life?  I believe that one should live their lives in a way which inspires others to be the best people they can be and not settle for mediocre or what everyone else is doing or what is cool at the time.

 

11. If you could excel in any special skill or talent, what would you choose?  I would choose being patient all the time.  Haha :) 

 

 

Here are my nominees!

 

Lady Grey

Waiting for Something Beautiful

Sillyness Abounds

Day by Day

A child to call me mama

Inconceivable!

Kooking in Kate's Kitchen

Fertile Ramblings

While I'm Waiting

just being

MAC and PC

And now some questions for my nominees!

1.  How did your life change in 2012?
2.  What is one of your goals for 2013?
3.  Real books or e-books?
4.  What is your favorite dessert?
5.  What do you like most about your personality?
6.  Where do you volunteer (or where would you like to, if you had the time)?
7.  What is your favorite book and/or author?
8.  What do you do to relax after a long day?
9.  What is your favorite holiday?
10.  Who are your pets?
11.  How would you rate your cooking skills?

Hopefully we can all find new things to connect about!  Thanks again Erica for nominating me for this award :)