My (fertile) friend had a miscarriage

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I was admittedly shocked.  It seems as if my fertile college friends have been immune to all-problems-reproduction, and so I am just kind of speechless.  I do not know the pain of miscarriage, and I would never wish infertility or a miscarriage on anyone, and I am pretty sure that while some emotions are the common, there are differences in the struggle of infertility and the grief of miscarriage.  I just never expected any of my fertile friends to even come close to the infertility/infant loss circle. 

She would have been 14w today.  I called her and left a voicemail and emailed her with the same sentiment: that I was praying for her and that she could call anytime and I would be a shoulder for her for whatever she was needing to say or cry.  I asked her to let me know how I could be the best friend to her in this time of sadness.  I don't really expect to hear from her, but I feel like that was a good start.

What more can I do?  She lives several states away.  Flowers?  An miscarriage remembrance necklace?  A care package with treats?  How have you supported miscarriage survivors in your life?

8 comments:

Stephanie Ann said...

Firstly, I don't think this is true for everyone and a gift or flowers might really lift her spirits, but when I went through the miscarriage I wanted people to leave me alone. The more people treated me special or asked how I was it was just another reminder of why, why they were treating me so nice... because my baby's dead. It was hard and I hated it.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

So, this hits home for me because we just miscarried our 4th last week. Yeah, it sucks. I agree with the 1st commenter in that a part of me wants everyone to leave me alone, because I abhor pity, but at the same time it is weird, I want people to remember the baby. Because it is my child, it was here on earth for a bit and he/she deserves to be known.

So actually what really has helped me is when people send cards. Just saying they were remembering us in prayer, sorry for our loss, stuff like that. Saying they would remember the baby, etc. Awhile back the due date of one of the babies that I miscarried was coming up and I was dreading it - for many reasons, but one of my friends sent the nicest miscarriage rememberence type card letting us know that they had not forgotten and they are praying for us. I didn't even know they made such cards and I don't know where she got it, but I loved it a lot.

But that is just me. I am not sure if your friend likes that kind of stuff.

I will pray for your friend. Miscarriage - as I said, it sucks, but it sucks a tiny bit less when you have people that can help you through it, even if they just say "I'm sorry". And it sounds like you have done that already and I loved how you said you wanted to be a best friend to her during this time and do whatever she needed you to do. And the fact that you don't expect anything in return...if she is not up to it.

Pez said...

I echo what the first two say. A card was great. When she is ready if she wants memory items that is when you do something for her. Some women will want a memory box of items others may not. Some will want a necklace charm or something, but it is different for each of us as to how we want to remember our angle babies.

the misfit said...

I haven't miscarried, but from what I've heard the remembrance things are sort of for a later date - when parents are stepping out of the acute grief and thinking about how they want to keep their lost children in their lives and memories long-term.

I don't know what would be involved, physically or medically, in a 14-week miscarriage, but perhaps remembering 14 weeks of pregnancy you can speculate - is she likely to be sick? In pain? On bed rest? In that case, maybe send a meal? (I know, the logistics sound hideous, but you can ship ALL KINDS of food these days. Though I might not freeze and send homemade lasagna if she lives in a different state!)

Traci said...

Leave her alone. The email was enough.

Melissa said...

I am sorry to hear about your friend. When I went through mine, I wanted to be left alone. If I wanted to talk about it, then I would. But it was SO nice to hear, "if you want to talk, I'm here"...and I think you did just that. I'd check in on here from time to time but other than that - I think you're good.

Jenny F. Scientist, PhD said...

My best friend had a miscarriage after years of infertility and I did send her a care package with books and cookies and chocolate. I put in a card that said, essentially, that really sucks, and here are some things that hopefully don't suck. For her, it was just right, but I don't know, maybe most people do want to be left alone. For my friend and me, it was more that I wanted to make it better but knew I couldn't, and she knew that me sending chocolate was out of love rather than pity.

RachelP said...

I think I ate nothing BUT chocolate for a week after my miscarriage. I appreciated any acknowledgment that I was grieving. My favorite was a gift that I got myself for Mothers Day (which was right after the loss) I got an angel necklace with the birthstone of the month I lost the baby. There is a circle charm that reads "Forever in our hearts" That little necklace meant the world to me.