I am scared of failing again

Failing the 1-hr test has really unsettled me. After having a complication-free pregnancy so far (I know, I'm very lucky), I find myself being really afraid of having GD, but also now afraid of other things. Mr. A maintains that being afraid of all these other things is illogical and a waste of energy, and it's not like I'm dwelling on them 24 hours a day, but whereas I used to think of myself as a strong, pregnant woman, now I just have visions of it all falling apart.... my body failing me just like it did while trying to conceive.

I am afraid of having GD...
I am afraid of going to my appointment this Friday and having high blood pressure.
I am afraid that I've gained too much weight in the last month.
I am afraid that I'll get vericose veins and look ugly.
I am afraid that I won't be able strong enough to have a natural birth. (Assuming there aren't any complications out of my control that require interventions.)
I am afraid that the baby will have too much sugar and have trouble after birth.
I am afraid that people will think GD is my fault.
I am afraid that GD is my fault.
I am afraid that I won't be able to regulate it with diet and will have to take insulin.
I am afraid that I will have diabetes forever.

I used to be pretty confident that I am doing and will do a great job carrying this baby, and that I am totally strong enough for natural birth, and don't worry, there is still a tiny part of me that believes that (somewhere). But if I am being honest, I just want to cry about this latest test result. I think probably when I call my nurse back this morning I might cry when scheduling the 3-hr test. I think probably I will cry at my appointment on Friday, especially if I've failed the 3-hr test, too. And I think if I pass the 3-hr, I'm still going to be afraid that I have GD and they didn't catch it.

I know it is a pretty common complication, and that most people regulate it fine with diet (including my mom and twin mama vv!), and maybe it was naive of me to have thought that since I eat a healthy diet and get good exercise every day that I wouldn't have to struggle with this. I know that most people say that there is nothing a mama can do to prevent from developing GD, but I look at the risk factors and wonder if maybe it was because I had a few extra pounds before becoming pregnant. I can't get over the fact that maybe it's my fault. What else am I going to drop the ball on?

I know that it's all extrapolation at this point, but this is where I'm at. I know it's been said on other blogs, but infertile people should be granted totally complication-free pregnancies. It is and has always been and will always be completely terrifying that things will go wrong, after all the struggle to conceive. The feeling of failing that I was so used to with infertility is back with a vengence.

But all of that being true, I am also so grateful for our baby girl. Mr. A and I were driving to get our pups from the kennel last night, and I'd forgotten the check, so we had to run back home and get one, and then head back out, and I almost teared up then, too. I remarked that I don't really need one more thing going wrong when everything else is going to crap, too.

And he goes "Oh what, the one thing that might not be completely perfect with you being pregnant with our perfect miracle baby?"

And he is so right. We are so thankful for our daughter, and that everything so far has been going great. We will deal with GD if we have to; whatever we need to do to make sure our baby arrives healthy and happy is what we will do. All things considered, this complication is a pretty benign one if treated, and I am fully aware that there are couples receiving unimaginably much more heartbreaking news than they have to keep a close eye on their sugar intake.

So yes, in the grand scheme of things, my fears are probably pretty insignificant, but in the interest of being honest, here they are. I'm trying to be a strong PAIF'er, but last week really took the wind out of me. Hopefully I can get my feet back under me soon....

FAILED

Ugh.

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vague messages are the worst

So of course we are travelling today, and in between flights I see I missed a call from my midwife... her message? "Call me at your earliest convenience."

I am now convinced I failed the 1-hr glucose test. Why else would she call? Why didn't she just say "you failed" instead of stupid nothing.

Ugh. I am so disappointed in myself. It just brings all my IF insecurities to the surface - like even though I thought my body knew what to do, it is going to start failing...

I called her back and said that I hope she can get ahold of me before our flight at 145... and I said if she has to leave a message to please be specific as to the reason for her call....

Ugh.

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Off the Wagon

I'm feeling a little bit off the wagon this week....

Yesterday I didn't go to my yoga class because we had deadlines at work, and since I had been researching flights to my the northeast instead of catching up on work things Monday evening (yah, we didn't have any 4th plans....), I had some things to finish. When I called my studio, my instructor said "Well just remember that babe doesn't need stress, so remember to breathe!!" I totally meant to do my yoga DVD yesterday afternoon, but I was on the phone with nearly every member of my immediate family at least once and hour, and I was getting ducks in a row at work for the remainder of the week, so that didn't happen...

Today I thought I would do yoga this morning, but Mr. A has just informed me that we may be leaving a full 4 hours before I thought we would be so we can have dinner with his parents tonight before we leave tomorrow AM at the serious crack of dawn. So with having to pack our things and the dogs' things and drop the dogs off at the kennel and inform work that I won't really be "there" today and maybe squeeze a shower in there (ha!), it is shaping up to be pretty hectic.

Maybe I can do some cat/cow poses while the shower is heating up....

My grandma's town is super tiny, and there is only one hotel in the area. After I booked our rooms, I looked online to see if they had a website (amazingly, they do), but they got raked over the coals on tri.padvisor!! Ha!! One reviewer (there were only 3) said it was like the hotel in Ps.ycho! Hahahahahaha. Should be an adventure, for sure!!! I am not expecting to roll up to the lap of luxury in tiny town northeast, USA, but I hope it is comfortable and clean at least.

Something very sweet was that apparently at some point in the funeral there will be a presentation of roses, one "from" each grandchild and great-grandchild. My Grama wanted to make sure that there would be one from our baby girl, incidentally the only great-granddaughter (amidst 5 young great-grandsons). I think there is something deeply moving and significant that my Grama finally "knew" a great-granddaughter before she passed away, with her being such an elegant feminine influence.

Thank you for all your support and advice over the last couple of days! I know I don't know most of you in person, but I really appreciate it :)

Attire?

Do you think any of these dresses are appropriate for the funeral? (These are the ones I have, not that I think would necessarily be the best choices for a somber occasion...) I'm not sure if I need to go get a black maternity dress....




I think I'll bring the blue one and the brown one and see what people think- my mom said that I shouldn't be afraid to wear color- my grandma loved flowers- but I don't want to be "that person" with the flashy outfit at the funeral....

Rest in Peace

My dad's mom passed away this afternoon, a little while after he had "talked" to her on the phone (she had been unresponsive for a little while, but his brother held the phone to her ear so my dad could say some things). My dad just encouraged her that she needed to go on and meet up with Grandpa. So sweet. {tear}

We will miss you, Grama!!!

Food and Fotos on Friday

In honor of my glucose tolerance test I did this morning, I'm posting my recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip muffins! Don't worry, I didn't have one for breakfast!

4 eggs
1 cup sugar
3 cups pumpkin puree
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
3 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1 cup chocolate chips

Beat eggs, sugar, pumpkin, vanilla, and oil together in a large bowl. Combine 2.5 cups of the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt in another bowl, and add a portion at a time to the wet mixture. Toss the chocolate chips in the last 0.5 cups of flour, and fold into the batter until just mixed. Bake at 385F for 16-20 minutes.

These muffins aren't super sweet, but they are very satisfying with the combination of pumpkin and chocolate flavors. Hope you like them!

And also, here are some photos of our flowers in front of the house this year- everything is doing great!!

(Try to ignore the huge empty spot in the front- perennial gardens are a work in progress!)

Will post pictures of our vegetable garden and berry bushes soon! They are doing AWESOME!! There is something amazingly satisfying about successfully growing your own veggies and fruit, and it doesn't seem to be that difficult at all!