Overwhelming Gratitude

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Today M got her 2-month shots. I was dreading the day, and I thought I'd cry more than she would, but luckily, I didn't cry at all, and she was in remarkably good spirits the rest of the day, considering she got stuck three times in the leg.

But she has been a little extra cuddly, and while I was reading some books to her tonight, as she was falling asleep, I was looking at her and just overcome with gratitude for her. I don't deserve her, and the fact that she knows that I'm her mom and that I will do anything in my power to help her relax and be calm and happy is just incomprehendable.

Last year at this time, I was blaring my Josh Groban Noel Christmas CD (I'm still listening this year, just not blaring). There is a song on there called "Thankful". If you've never heard it, click play below and listen.

There are a few lines that brought tears to my eyes last year for the hope they held, and they bring tears to my eyes this year for what has happened in our lives since then.

"So for tonight, we pray for what we know can be
And on this day, we hope for what we still can't see"

Just like infertility colors your entire world, I sang this song last year with my ache for a baby in my mind and in my heart. There were many many days I was so sure that we just wouldn't be parents, but somehow I prayed for it anyway because there was a tiny space in my heart that believed it could happen. I prayed for a baby despite everything, knowing all that we'd tried, all that had failed, knowing that we had pretty much resigned ourselves to being a family of two. Goodness knows, I couldn't see that in a little more than a month later, we'd get the surprise of our lives.

But not knowing what was in store for us, we had decided to change our perspective, to really celebrate and give thanks for the blessings we'd been given. It was quite a paradigm shift, and it took a while to get used to. But I could appreciate the lyrics...

"It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There's so much to be thankful for."

This year I'm having trouble believing that we're celebrating Christmas with a baby in our arms. It seems too good to be true. This was my dream that I was sure would never be real. I just cannot put into words how thankful I am for our baby girl. I hope these "year later" posts are not getting old, but they are all I think about these days.

I know that every one of you waiting for your little one feels like your prayer for a baby is one that can't be. Will you keep hoping for what you can't see right now?


Heather said...

I know exactly how you feel...I am so thankful this year for our little miracle as well. It's overwhelming that after all the days and nights I would cry and pray for a baby, I now have Aiden. I never take one single moment with him for granted.

Lady Grey said...

Thanks for your encouragement but its just so hard. So hard when there are so many set-backs, every time I start to be positive. A Christmas with a baby, oh I really, really hope that is in my future too!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I'm in the adoptive wait, and your words still apply. Even though we're all approved and waiting and the agency said it will work (as long as we are willing to wait) it's still hard to believe. Thank you.

Bridget said...

I have the same feelings about Christmas this year. Last Christmas we were just about to start IVF and this Christmas we have our miracle baby! Enjoy your holidays!

Life Happens said...

There's something magical about experiencing your miracle baby's first christmas. We were on that TTC journey for SO long, and now our baby is 10 months, celebrating his first Christmas. I am also overwhelmed with gratitude.

But I will never forget the journey that got us here and will keep praying for those who are still on the journey.

the misfit said...

"Will you keep hoping for what you can't see right now?" I hope not. It does too much to undermine our lives. I hope, instead, to someday reach a point of peace in which what we have is enough.

But happy for you guys that you found your hopes fulfilled. Merry Christmas!

AL said...

right there with you this year, and I feel so undeserving of so much joy and spending Christmas with my little boy. Merry Christmas to you and your little girl :-)