Benign!

Lord, thank you for Your mercy :)

I'm on CD3 today, but what with the benign thyroid biopsy and closing on our townhouse in a couple weeks looking very likely, I'll let not getting a BFP slide this time ;-)  Can't have too much excitement- gotta save something for later!  Haha :)

Thank you all for your prayers!

No || for me...

I want to post about our changing childcare situation, but I think I will need to wait until it is all resolved first.  Would appreciate prayers that we make the best decision for M....

(I know, total waste of a post, but I didn't want to leave you hanging that I might be with child again- AS IF!!!)

Pity party: You're Invited

As I texted a friend yesterday: "I'm so done with reproductive nonsense."

When I last posted (argh, I know it was nearly 2 months ago), it was mid-June.  At the end of June, we went on a week vacation with my parents/extended family of my mom's side.  We found out the hard way that we will NEVER vacation with my uncle AGAIN.  Obnoxious, and unapologetic are a gross understatement.  That and a few other factors made for a fairly stressful week.  Did I mention that I was supposed to ovulate while we were there?  I had just written off the cycle, because you-know-what is not going to happen on a camping trip with the fam. 

But then we get back and the day I'm expecting my period to come comes and goes.  {The past year or so, I've had one cycle as short as 26 days, and others as long as 31.  I haven't been tracking ovulation so to speak.}  A week comes and goes.  Given the hilarious track record I have with hpt's, I waited until I thought, well what the hell, maybe ovulation waited for us to make up for lost time in the forest.  HAHAHA.  What a joke.  Of course it was negative.  I waited a few more days.  The second hpt was negative, to.  OBVIOUSLY.  Finally, I think on day 40 or 41, I started spotting in the evening.  I have never been so glad to start a new cycle.

Fast forward a little, and I was getting some "nice conditions" a little earlier than I expected, but Mr. A wasn't feeling well, so there was no taking advantage.  Then I went to visit my sister on cd13, but was back in time for some getting together with Mr. A on cd 14 and 15.  No biggie, as much as I would love another little one, I am just emotionally not up for all the hyper-tracking of cycles anymore. 

And then here comes all the stupidity that is just burning a hole in the nice little hakunamata bubble I have carefully crafted around myself.  The afternoon of cd17, what do I see upon an innocent trip to pee?  Blood-streaked cm!! 

The "spotting", but really let's call it light bleeding since it is nearly a normal pad's worth each day, has pretty much been red/orange since then (it's cd20 now), and I am just pissed.

In the rare chance that I have been able to coerce myself in being content with M and forgiving my sorry you-know-what body for being so uncooperative with the sibling situation, and after being so regular (in general), now my backward reproductive system decides to go and be all weird with the cycle length!?  Give me a break.  I have just gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for not having any more kids- I do not need to have to forgive myself for some random, unannounced, and unwelcome imbalance or problem or malady that all of a sudden comes down the road.

Before you go and say, OOH MAYBE IT'S IMPLANTATION, just stop yourself.   Of course there are hail mary stories of people who had gushes of blood and ended up with a healthy bouncing baby, but on the whole, in my limited understanding, I've had way more and way redder "spotting" (haha) than is normal for that.  And also, since the earliest we could have conceived is cd14, unless we have a speed racer in there, cd17 is too early for any of that craziness.

BLECH.

I'm not even upset at the idea that there will be no BFP this time.  I have made fairly appreciable progress in the idea of having only one child.  It's just that if I have had to accept that something isn't working right to make babies, then I think it is just laughably cruel that all of a sudden I'm going to be all irregular. 

My aunt said to call my midwife on Monday if I'm still bleeding, since the last two cycles have been weird.  I just don't even want to deal with it.  I don't want to deal with having bloodwork.  I don't want to deal with more appointments.  I was done with all that stuff.  I had accepted the quiet little one-child family life.  Stupid infertility, just let me have my normal cycles and leave me alone!!

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

Cliche

Everyone says "What a difference a year makes" at some point or another in their lives. Yesterday, I was talking (emailing) to one of my best friends, and she said "Think how far you have come since last year this time".

And since bloggers have an awesome history of themselves saved in a cute little drop down menu, I went to check what I was doing May 20 last year.

I knew it was around when we found out our IVF failed.

I didn't remember it was officially May 20.

Or, as I so succinctly put it, "It's the end".

I can't even begin to sufficiently describe how different this morning was, and now that I have the perspective of how far we have really come, I am having trouble putting the awesomeness (literally) of this morning into words. Let's just say we are so blessed; this baby looks perfect. We are so grateful, it is beyond anything we could have ever dreamed would happen to us, and we just pray for this child that they will continue growing beautifully and healthfully.

I'll update the ultrasound/belly page with a new belly pic and photos from this morning momentarily, so keep checking back!! (Pictures are up now!)

Oh. Were you wondering if this baby is a boy or girl? Well, let's just say we can't wait for HER to arrive in October!!! :-D

Different than I expected

It's no secret that today is Mother's Day. There have been many great posts by my fellow bloggies, and I echo all of their sentiments.

Today was different than I expected. I remembered Mother's Day church services as very much focusing on moms and very centered around recounting all the ways and reasons that they deserve special recognition (which, no argument from me, many moms do). I sat in the congregation and felt so alone...so unrecognized. It seemed like all the prayers, all the preaching, and all the announcements were relevant to everyone except me. I wondered how on earth could a place like a church be so alienating when it is supposed to be safe and loving to all?

This morning as I put on a new dress, I wondered what it would be like to experience all of those things again, but this time while I was carrying our baby. Sort of like MercyMe's song "I Can Only Imagine", I wasn't sure how I would react- would I just bask in the joy? Would I be so overcome with emotion that I wouldn't be able to stand?

The service started- I waited for the opening prayer to mention moms- never did. The pastor reflected on the Sciptures- I waited for his tie-in to Mother's Day- never came. We got to take part in the service this morning (unexpected), and right before it was our part, prayers were lifted for the congregation by a reader. I waited for the throng of prayers about mothers and children and families- never mentioned. The prayers concluded, but then the pastor added one more- for mothers. I teared up as Mr. A gave me a quick squeeze, and I thought for sure I would look a mess when we would be in front of everyone. At the very end of the service, when we were all sitting, the pastor encouraged a round of applause for the mothers in the congregation, but he didn't have anyone stand.

I was admittedly very surprised at the lack of focus on mothers at church today. Was it possible that my infertile perspective skewed how it had been handled before? I know that the struggle to have a baby deeply affects how we view the world, but maybe I had made it to be worse than it was?

No. I know there were years of roses for moms, and standing for moms, and prayers for moms, and praises for moms. And many moms rightly deserve such honor. But I was never a mom.

And so while this year I could have held my head up high and been included in those parts of the service, it felt like justice for my infertile soul that the entire service wasn't dripping with motherhood comments. I don't know how many or even if there is anyone in our congregation struggling with infertility, but I know without a doubt that they appreciated the low-key approach, and that even if tears fell during the prayer for moms or the clapping at the end, the entire rest of the service was focused on the HOPE that is in Jesus, with nary a mention of motherhood. Heck, I appreciated the low-key approach, retroactively, as if I was still sitting there apart from the crowd.

Mother's Day is hard for so many people for so many reasons. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mom. Not everyone has a good relationship with their kids. Not everyone can be with their mom for brunch, or is even in the same country as their mom. Not everyone still has their children to receive a card from, or their moms to send a card to. And finally, with the obvious, not everyone is a mom.

I am hoping that our pastor made the decision to go easy on the Mother's Day hysteria in deference and sensitivity to those for whom today is not a happy celebration. I plan on letting him know how much I enjoyed the service this morning, and how much I appreciate how he has led our congregation.

I pray that if you are still waiting for your little one that today was graced by the sensitivity of loved ones in your life. I pray that those of us with little ones in our bellies will be blessed with healthy pregnancies and healthy little ones to fill our day next year. I pray that my friends who are already moms will continue to be thankful for the opportunity to raise a child.

Last year, I wrote this on Mother's Day:

It's such a hard day for those of us waiting,
but what makes it easier is that we know
that so many of you who have overcome infertility are praying for us!!

I may be pregnant today, but I have not forgotten what it felt like to be waiting. Be assured that on this day which seems to laugh in the face of infertility, that I am praying for all of you who are longing to overcome it. (HUG)

Myth: IVF Always Works

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am choosing to address the myth that "all" infertile couples have to do is IVF and that it is a sure solution to their childlessness.

If you aren't familiar with our story, last March/April we went through a cancelled IVF cycle, and in April/May, we went through an IVF cycle but lost our one embryo.

So, long story short, IVF does not always work. Myth busted.

And as a result, it really bugs me when people who are uneducated about the IVF process go around perpetuating the myth that IVF itself is a sure-fire way to make babies and that it is an easy no-risk solution to getting a baby (and, on the flip side, that people who don't choose to do IVF have a harder time dealing with infertility).

Let's start with the first sub-myth, that IVF itself makes the babies and so if you do IVF, you will definitely have a baby. Here is what normal America fails to realize: there are some pretty smart people in charge of the eggs and sperm in the IVF lab, but news flash, they are not GOD, who is the creator of all things. Those doctors can mix your eggs and his sperm, but they cannot FORCE fertilization. Those doctors can even inject the sperm into the egg, but they still cannot FORCE fertilization. There is nothing they can do to "make" embryos and certainly nothing they can do to cause the embryos to grow and divide. Because that is up to God, whom they are not. (Even if you think for the amount you are paying for a given cycle, they should be.) And that is the reason why IVF is not a sure thing: as much as science would love to claim that IT can make babies, that is up to God, who cannot be put in a box or scrunched into a statistic. He has a plan for each of us, and that plan does not guarantee each couple, who pin their hopes and dreams on IVF, a precious child from that treatment. Of course He allows many beautiful children to come into the world through that avenue, but it will not be that way for everyone. It is the same concept that chemotherapy does not cure everyone's cancer. Science would like to say that the chances of recovery are good, but they are not guaranteed.

But because everyone thinks IVF is a sure science thing, that leads them to think that IVF is an easy option to elect. And some go so far as to say that if you choose NOT to try IVF, your cross of infertility is heavier than someone's who has tried IVF.

*shudders*

I challenge people who perpetuate these sub-myths to educate themselves before blurting out such nonsense, and maybe do a survey of IVF veterans. I guarantee them that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF (even if theirs worked) will say that it was easy. I guarantee that ZERO percent of couples who have gone through IVF will say that the think their infertility journey would have been harder than if they hadn't tried IVF.

There is NOTHING easy about IVF. It is not easy to clear off enough space on your dining room table for the meds, syringes, sharp boxes, and alcohol pads you will go through during your cycle. It is not easy to explain to your boss why you have to randomly leave work at weird times every other day or come in late sometimes. It is not easy to schedule your activities on your injection times. It is not easy to schlep yourself to ultrasounds and bloodwork nearly every day to check on your progress, even if your progress is good. It is not easy to write a check for an amount that would nearly buy you a small car (because chances are your insurance won't cover IVF, even though it will cover plastic surgery) and hand it to someone who can't guarantee that your money will have anything to show for it (see above). It is not easy to cry on your husband's shoulder when you worry that all of the meds, appointments, sacrifices, and treatments will be for nothing. It is not easy when you wake up from egg retrieval and have to brace yourself for how many eggs the doctor found. It is not easy to be at home, wondering if any eggs have fertilized and longing for them to be healthy. It is not easy to see your RE's name pop up on the caller ID the next day and tell you how many embryos are growing (even if there are several). It is not easy to know that after your embryo has been transferred back within you that there is nothing else you can do to help this little one find a spot to snuggle in and continue to grow. It is not easy to know in your head that all your symptoms could be from the medications but want to believe in your heart that they are because the embryo has implanted. It is not easy to sleep the night before your beta. It is not easy to see some spotting and convince yourself that it is implantation, while you know it likely is not. And it is not easy to see that the nurse is calling to tell you the results of your beta blood test (especially, in my experience, when the result is negative).

Even if a person's first IVF is wildly successful and they give birth to a healthy baby (or more) 9 months later, I guarantee the rest of the planet that their journey was not easy. The emotional cost of IVF is just as much, if not more, than the dollar cost. They still worried and dealt with insecurity and anxiety and uncertainty. There is no way you can go through that process and come out on the other side (positive or negative) and look back and conclude that it was an easy time, as if it was like getting a haircut.

Because everyone who gets close enough to really learn about IVF knows that there is no guarantee that there will be a healthy baby at the end of the IVF road. And that in itself makes it an incredible difficult path to take.

Which leads me to my final sub-myth: that people who choose not to try IVF have a harder time shouldering infertility than those who do try it. Any way you slice it, infertility is a journey in the dark. We are all in the blackest of pits, clamoring for a handhold that we can grab to hoist ourselves into the light. The infertility pit is equal-opportunity. It does not distinguish those who are pursuing modern treatments from those who aren't. We are side by side, and we are all reaching up into the unknown, trying to find our way. It pains me to hear this sub-myth because all of us in the pit SHOULD be hoping that we all get out eventually, no matter which handhold we find. One person should not be pointing to the handhold they are eyeing and tell everyone else that that particular handhold is better than the ones everyone else is reaching for. God has placed a different and unique handhold for everyone, and none is better than another.

Because nothing on Earth can ever guarantee us a child. IVF does not always work, no matter what people think. IVF is not the easy way out, nor does it make the infertility journey any less thorny.

What does always work is believing that God has a plan and will redeem your infertility struggle. I am living proof of that truth!

Of course to find out more about infertility you can go here, and my thanks to RESOLVE for sponsoring this week dedicated to increasing exposure and education about infertility.

A Year Later (IF reflection)

A year ago, I had been taking lupron for a couple weeks, and was about to start follistim. I was embarking on our first shot at IVF, in which my response would be awful and we would decide to cancel the cycle.

Cancelled IVF cycles are not the norm, as far as I can tell, especially when so many women have resounding success on the very first try.

And yet, I can't believe how happy I sounded in the post about our cancelled cycle. I read it today and think, how could I have possibly used all those exclamation points on a day where our dreams had been shattered?

We would go on to try a new IVF protocol the very next cycle, this time to make it to retrieval and transfer, but our embryo would not stay with us.

I am not sure if any of you remember, but our due date for our second IVF cycle was January 25, 2011.

On January 30, 2011, we saw evidence that a new little baby had taken up residence within me.

It is hard to say that "if our first embie had made it, we wouldn't have this baby", but that is the truth. We will always cherish our embie from last May, but for some unknown reason, he was only here with us for a few days. The baby who has been with me for 12 weeks now is a totally different, precious person who has his/her own special purpose on this Earth. I am so grateful for both these children, and even more grateful for the ways that losing our first embie prepared us and changed us for the journey to the one who is here today.

So, almost a year after our first IVF was cancelled, I have a better appreciation for how God was preparing me for the pregnancy journey I am on today. I may have not understood at the time why our IVF journey was so rocky and unsuccessful, but God's ways are not our ways. He used all the heartache to prepare my body and my heart for the joy that was to come.

It is so easy to begin to see this in retrospect, and of course I wonder why it wouldn't just be easier for Him to reassure us at the point in time when our heart is shattered. You know "It is okay, child, I have already planned for you to conceive a healthy baby in 9 months, a baby that wouldn't be possible if either of your IVF's had worked." ...or something. But what would we lose on our spiritual journey if we didn't have to learn to trust God's Word that He works all things for good if we let Him, and that He will never abandon us?

I pray for God's continued blessing of health for the baby I carry today, and for all my friends who are praying for their child and wondering what to make of the latest heartache. Be assured friends, God is preparing you for your little one.

Pigs are NOT flying

But I am again having mid-morning yuck (although it is admittedly better than yesterday's). I think it must be the juice (peach mango v8 fusion instead of pomegranate blueberry v8 fusion) to wash down the royal jelly.

It is kind of sad. I think Mr. A was really thinking that the test would be +. He even asked me this morning when I got out of the bathroom- and he is never conversational in the mornings!!! Alas, history has repeated itself. I think it is just hilarious that I took at test on CD11. HA! I mean, that is just ridiculous!!

It is also weird. Any other cycle, I'd be thinking way forward instead of backwards. As in, it's almost potential ovulation time!! Not, gee I wonder if we are all snuggly if it will hurt the baby! Serious mindbending, I tell you.

Also because (BIG ANNOUNCEMENT HERE), we have decided that we are tentatively interested in pursuing embryo donation (embryo adoption).

WHAT?

Ha! I know, given my swearing off of infertility treatments in 2011, you might have to read that line a few times for it to sink in.

We have certain hesitations and reservations about traditional adoption at this point (although so many are called and blessed by traditional adoption, most recently (hopefully) Waiting for Something Beautiful! go give her a virtual hug and prayer!), but there aren't too many aspects of embryo adoption that we don't have peace with. So, we are looking into it- both at our old lab (to see if they have any donated embryos) and with a national agency. Of course the national agency would be more expensive, but from what I have researched, the wait time can be longer with a specific clinic because they don't have as big of a pool. I don't think there is a reason we can't be on the waiting list at our clinic and apply with the national agency, so that is what we're planning on doing.

It is kind of exciting!

Although we ourselves would have chosen limited fertilization if we had had more eggs (in an effort to not freeze any of our embies), there are almost 500k frozen embies in storage right now in the US. We are praying that if this is how God will expand our family, He will motivate the right couple to decide to donate their embies to us!

But this is why it's sad: Last night when we were going to sleep, we had quite the cutest session of pillow talk we've had in a while. Mr. A goes, you know, I hear that when people turn their attention to adoption, that is when we get pregnant.

Oh dear, sweet Mr. A.

Praying that our resolve to "live well in 2011" continues and our 2011 theme comes true, no matter if our family is any bigger in December or not!

Another "why I hate IF"

As you know, I got my period last week. It was brighter red than normal, and at the end, it was still pink spotting instead of brownish. I considered these to be improvements thanks to acupuncture.

This week (Monday, yesterday, and today), I have been so nauseous in the morning that I have literally had to put up an away message for work and lay down with saltines and club soda on the couch for a few minutes. I mean seriously, if I had tested positive on Christmas Eve, I would have expected to start feeling sick about now (6w), and here I am.

Except I didn't test positive, and I was using pads last week!!

But thanks to dang IF, here I lay, clutching my club soda, feeling like I'm going to throw up, and googling "period while pregnant". It's a sad state of affairs. (Dammit if there aren't people who do get their period while they are pregnant!!)

Mr. A thinks I should take a test. I'm pretty sure if it's positive, pigs will fly by my window and it will be a cold day in hell.

I haven't really changed any morning routine- I have been taking my royal jelly with a small amount of juice this week, but I had been doing that before.. I did take a break from that while my family was here, so maybe my body is just getting re-used to it? I am drinking a different kind of juice...

Wake me up when this is over!!

Christmas in Review

In short, I was pleasantly surprised :)

WHEW!

I cooked a ton of good food, and most importantly my dairy-allergic brother in law didn't get sick once!!!!, everyone stayed over several nights, we had a family Twister tournament (seriously, my mom was beating my brother!!!), we played cards till 1am accompanied by lots of good things to drink, we broke out my Office Clue game, and we had our annual knock down drag out Monopoly shootout. We had family prayer time and enjoyed a beautiful Christmas Eve service together. And everyone loved Banana and Bert.

I think everyone was comfortable and happy here, and that makes us very happy. YAY!!

I did test BFN on Christmas Eve, and maybe it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but I didn't think twice about it (what else did I expect?) and allowed myself to have nary an empty glass for most of the time my family was here. In that same vein, I allowed myself a break from my Infertility Cure ban on coffee and alcohol and chocolate and white flour.... I trusted the validity of that BFN, but it was a little unsettling that I didn't start a new cycle till yesterday. Maybe it was the excitement/good "stress" of having everyone here.

The only major snafoo is that we went about a half hour away from here for dinner on Monday night, and when we returned we found that Bert and Banana had eaten 1 lb of peppermint bark (yes, including milk/dark chocolate), two tins of my mom's cookies, and one of the two gingerbread houses we had decorated. Gulp. Banana had already thrown up twice, but we had to give Bert hydrogen peroxide to make him throw up (on the advice of the emergency vet over the phone). We were pretty freaked out, since chocolate can be deadly to dogs. Banana was still looking awful yesterday morning (she threw up twice more), and her abdomen and chest area were so bloated that they were pretty hard to the touch. You know, like the symptoms for deadly dog bloat. Double gulp. We took her to the vet first thing yesterday morning, and the vet didn't expect dog bloat (the twisting of the stomach kind), but Banana has pretty dehydrated. So the vet kept her at her office yesterday and gave her a shot of antivomit meds and a liter of fluids. Luckily for us, Banana was well enough to come home at 7:30pm last night!!

Except that Banana pulled out the catheter port that the vet had bandaged up in case she needed more fluids this morning. So we look over at one point last night and see that there is blood all over the pillow and blanket she was sitting on. Me and Mr. A had to unbandage her arm and pull out the catheter/needle, and rebandage it. I have never been queasy (and I suspect that maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was bleeding by that point, too- thank you CD1), but I had to go out on the deck for a few minutes. Luckily, the vet said this morning that her arm should heal fine and that she should be back to normal digestive-wise in a few days. Crisis averted!!!

So all in all, it was a great Christmas. I have other reflections on the continued failure to achieve pregnancy, but that will be for another post. Today should be a relaxing day- have to keep an eye on Banana, but I can get some cleaning up done from the blessed din of having 8 adults over for several days!!!

happy cd1

Oh wait, i mean thanksgiving!

Story of my life: you will get your period during every major holiday.

We have had a good but mildly frustrating time with mr.a's family. Their house is not dogproof, and bert & banana are getting into everything. His parents say not to worry about what the dogs are doing, but then they get all flustered if bert smells the nutbowl on the coffee table and leaves a nose mark on the glass.

Mr.a's brothers both left this morning, and i think we might leave this afternoon. We all miss home!!

But my turkey and pies were DELICIOUS!

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Bright and Early

I woke up this morning to a new cycle, without any cramps, bright, and early. I was expecting to start this weekend, but I was surprised in that I have been having some pre-AF cramps in previous cycles, and I had no such discomfort when I woke up. I'm hoping that acupuncture and some healthier eating has helped encourage healthier bloodflow, which from my understanding, reduces cramps because cramps can be a sign of blood flow interruption...and the cramps come from your body trying really hard to get things flowing again.

And, while I am enjoying my heating pad right now, the cramps that have developed are very very mild, and if it wasn't that Mr. A made an amazingly cozy fire this morning in our wood stove and that we are (all four of us) taking a family mid-morning nap in front of the stove (well I am not sleeping, but this is relaxing for me!), I would be out doing errands instead of kicking back in the recliner. Mornings like this are too good to pass up.

Like I told my acupuncturist yesterday before an AMAZING session, I am really looking forward to embracing the chinese medicine approach to getting my body in good shape (but I am equally scared to leave modern medicine behind). She taught me some Qigong moves to strengthen my kidney energy, and I am looking forward to practicing them. From my pulses, my kidney energy is low, and in chinese medicine, that is the energy that governs reproductive systems. Need to get that in good working order!!! Here are some things I am doing to help the energy:

-Practicing my bear Qigong moves, with the focused purpose of increasing my kidney strength and energy
-Eating more beans, especially kidney-shaped ones, and nuts, such as walnuts
-Continuing to drink room temperature/warm water
-Upping my wheatgrass drink to twice a day- wheatgrass enhances the blood
-Adding some seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, chia) as snacks
-Remaining committed to a low-level of sugar in my diet, and continue eating organic meats/veggies/grains
-Going to bed by 10:15, so that I can get good, restful sleep (I have to set my phone alarm for this one- we often fall asleep in the family room with the TV on, but this does not lend itself to restful sleep, as your mind/body is not fully at rest when the TV is flashing and making noise, etc.)
-Applying vetiver oil to a cotton ball for imparting a grouding scent to areas I spend alot of time in
-Increasing the time I spend in reflection/prayer, to try to make my day as peaceful as possible

I hope these things will make a positive difference!!

Same. AGAIN.

BFN.

I wonder if Mr. A lays in bed pretending to sleep, but hearing me take the unopened box of tests into the bathroom, turn on the fan to try to mask the upcoming noise (really, who needs the fan first thing in the morning?!), rip open the insanely-loud cellophane packaging, unwrap a test, go to the bathroom, and flush.

I wonder if he thinks, hey, maybe today will be the morning she will come running out of the bathroom and wake me up to tell me that it's positive!

I wonder if he is as disappointed when I don't. (I know he is.)

I wonder if he thinks about it the whole walk with the dogs, like I do.

I wonder if he realizes that the rain this morning is taking the place of my tears. I just can't cry anymore.

An Open Letter

Dear God,
I have half a mind to be pissed at You. (The other half is firmly entrenched in the camp that You know some amazing joyful better-than-I-can-imagine plans that will be perfect and then all this crap will all be worth it and that you know my heartache and want to comfort me and even Jesus cried....) But seriously. The first half of mind thinks that's a bunch of baloney.

I am fine with not being pregnant. I have never seen a positive test, so I don't even know what I'm missing, so being not pregnant is the norm for me. But, if You are not going to work some cosmic miracle with me to get a baby inside, please stop leading me IN THE 2WW, NO LESS, to Scriptures that tell me that You make the barren woman a mother, and as old generations pass, new ones come about. Because that is just awful for my already shattered broken dying heart. Because then, when I test and see one pathetic line, I get angry at myself for believing and hoping that somehow that was your communication to me. I feel like an idiot for trusting in Your Word about all this infertility garbage. Because Your Word never says, "The barren woman kept getting strung along until she had a hysterectomy so she wouldnt have to deal with that crap anymore" or "I will take the desire of motherhood out of your heart so you can get on with your life". All it says is that the barren woman will be a joyful mother, and that seems like quite the empty promise to me.

And, since we have prayed to have hearts for adoption, and you have not placed that with us EITHER, am I supposed to pray to have you take away my desire for motherhood? Am I really supposed to be 100% happy with my admittedly phenominal husband and precious dogs? While, in the meantime, You bless crack addicts and people who leave their kids running amuck without supervision and all my friends and family with babies that they didn't even try for and all my bloggy friends with treatment babies that I dreamt of? Or, ooh, maybe they tried 4 WHOLE months and then You decided their weary hearts had had enough, and boom, a baby ends up in their house? How do You suppose I deal with that while I'm wanting to be a mom, and I am FAILING?

I really thought you and Grandpa would be an amazing team up there. But it looks like nothing has changed for me down here. Except that one half of my brain has become so fed up with this infertility awfulness that it's become pissed at You, much to the chagrin to the other half of my brain. Because I can't go on trying forever. At some point, this has to stop. I always thought it would be with the birth of our baby, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it will be with the birth of my sister's baby, you know, the month after whenever they decide they want to try.

So anyway, thanks for nothing.... in the baby department. (My "other half brain" made me write that qualifier as it is quivering in its shoes that God will strike me down for being so obnoxious.) Can't wait to see what grand bunch of zero happens next month, too.

Sincerely,
A

bfn today

it's not even like I really expected a + (hoping for one is a different story), but it would be nice to be surprised with success one of these times. I am thankful to be able to get to 16dpo without so much as a spot, but in some ways that just increases the torture of the negative.

thank God for our pups.

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Tease

Hate the 16dpo (just had to count) BFN. Gah. Looks like the progesterone supp's have delayed AF again.

Logically, I should all but given up hope right now. I mean, IV-stinkin-F didn't even work. What in the world would indicate to anyone that we'd be able conceive from here on out.

But that is the thing. The world says that ART is the final frontier, the last hope, and the ultimate baby making/family building practice.

God says different.

My dear friend at Making Me Mom had an amazing quote at the end of her post today, and I'm stealing borrowing it:

(From Radical by D.avid P.latt):

" . . . God actually delights in exalting our inability. He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him. In the process, he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined. And in the end, he makes much of his own name."

That was the lift I needed tonight. (Thank you, Hillary, for posting it!!!) My hope is in the Lord, not the world. That quote is a reminder that God's ways are not our ways, His plan for us will be awesome and not a day late, and that He will take what little we have and turn it into something beautiful and amazing.

Admittedly, I feel kind of raw right now, especially when there are so many exciting things (i.e. pregnancies) happening to so many of my bloggy buddies. But just because I'm feeling raw today doesn't mean that I won't heal. Just that I need to be gentle with myself and rest, surrounded by the blessings that I have been given. I always like to picture myself crumpled in God's huge hands at times like this. It's very comforting to know that no matter how weak I feel, He will hold me up.

(PS. I am loving our grocery discussion (below)- more opinions welcome! I'm going to do a follow-up post soon!)