Insult to Injury

We are thoroughly enjoying our break from modern medicine. But the other day when I got a letter from my insurance company about my past prescriptions, I was sick to my stomach.

Essentially, starting in January, all fertility meds will require prior approval "for females under 50". (Should I just wait until I am 50 to try IVF again? Hahaha) Even clomid and progesterone! But the list includes all the big guns, too, like follistim, ganirelix, PIO, novarel, etc. AND, supposedly approval will be given unless the drugs are taken in conjunction with ART. Okay, who is going to be taking ganirelix in a normal cycle?!

I always considered myself very lucky to have had these meds covered for relative pennies compared to what they cost, so I probably have nothing to complain about, but I just think it is awful of the insurance companies. You (insurance) don't even pretend to cover IVF or IUI, and now you can't even throw us a bone and cover the meds?!?! Is this what happens when the government runs healthcare- every living thing has coverage, but that's because the poor helpless infertility patients are getting even more of the short end of the stick than ever?!?! Way to go, keep on covering people with 8 kids and no job, but make sure you give a big "screw you" to people who work 3 jobs to try to finance a shot at having ONE child.

I feel very thankful that we had coverage when we did, and that we went through all of the medical interventions when we did. I feel validated that what we are doing now (au naturale) is what we're supposed to be doing, given this change of situation. But it is totally kicking infertility patients while they are down. We are not even considering any other meds for the forseeable future, but this hurts almost as much as if we were in the thick of things. Don't infertile people have enough heartache?!

Detached from IF?

Lately I've been feeling somewhat detached from IF, in good ways and bad.

I used to love taking people off my praying for a baby list and adding them to my baby bump/parent list, because I would be moving on like them someday, too. But lately I look at all those blessed women and just sigh with heavy apathy that we have nothing in common. Like I can't even identify with what they post about now. And maybe it's my fault because I haven't been a commenting wizard on their posts, but it feels like they don't have anything in common anymore with me, either.

In some ways, I count this (that I don't feel the need to vicariously live through moms and incessantly dream of when I will be in their shoes- that I have accepted that that is not my life) as a good thing because to me it indicates that pregnancy/motherhood is not occupying my life anymore. My life is full with a great husband, awesome dogs, wonderful sisters and brother, and many other blessings.

But in alot of other ways, I count it is a bad/sad thing. Because it means that I still have not gotten it through my thick head (raise your hand if your mom used that phrase when you were a teenager!) to truly get over what I don't have and embrace feet-first the joys that everyone else is experiencing. I mean, if I could do this, I wouldn't feel so left out by people who have babies anymore than I feel left out by people who have black Range R.overs (my dream car). Because, let's face it, it feels like we are just as likely to become pregnant with a healthy baby as to have a Ran.ge Rover dropped in front of our house. And it's not like I would slink away to 4 aisles over in Ta.rget if I saw a Rang.e Rover owner....

We're of course still "trying"- peak reading today, in fact- and now that my grandpa is in heaven everyone and their mother tell me stories that they got pregnant after their relative passed away. But that seems too good to be true, doesn't it?

Because even though we're trying on our own, the other way I feel detached is from all my IVF buddies who have gone on to several more IVF's, while we sit at one failure. Truthfully, it's not like we would try another IVF right now- we don't have the money, and I'm not sure we want to devote the energy/emotion to all the monitoring, etc. But all things relative, they are moving forward, too, and I'm not. Just like the moms.

But just like I mentioned above, I have this weird sense of apathy to being left behind in that way, too. Like, I'm interested in what they're going through but it seems so foreign and far away and apart from my reality that I can't really even muster an emotion about it. Well, technically, when I think of all the time and energy and GAS that I spent going 80 miles round trip every other day to the RE the better part of last year, I am pretty shocked. That's an emotion, right?

I don't think I'll ever detach completely. I still pray for all my bloggy buddies in their disappointments, heartache, and celebrations. I will still take clomid and use my monitor and take progesterone after ovulation, but when I go see my obgyn in mid-October and he suggests an IUI, I can guarantee you that we'll decline, because {dare I say it} I don't know if we care that much to go through all that again at this point. Which is saying aLOT because of course having a baby is practically the only thing that's missing in our lives (except, also, a black Ran.ge Rover), so obviously we care alot about it!

I hope I didn't offend anyone by spilling my guts to you about how I have a hard time identifying lately. It's a very weird place to be- of course I wish I wasn't on the bench without a child, but for all practical purposes, my bench is a pretty happy place to be, and I don't really think I'll be moving for a while.

I don't know how many of you will identify with my not indentifying....

Growth Spurt

I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.

We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.

But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.

I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.

So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.

But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.

Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.

A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.

I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.

So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!

Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!

(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)

One Year Later

One year ago today, I started this blog! Whoa. I've read my first post several times while reflecting what to say today. Above all, I am so thankful I decided to start writing here, because it has allowed me to "meet" all of you!! And I know we don't all have the same opinions on everything, but I am so glad that those of you who come here can rejoice and pray and give thanks for the baby blessings coming our way, in God's time and in God's way.

Alot has happened in the last year. We went from thinking nothing was wrong with me, to finding out that I seem to have low levels of hormones. As a result, we went from saving for adoption and resisting the RE, to wanting to work with the RE to overcome my issues. We went from using my fertility monitor, to using clomid, follistim, prometrium, HCG, lupron, and countless ultrasounds and bloodworks. We went from trying the old fashioned way, to trying with IUI. (I don't count IVF because we haven't really done that yet!!)

And now, it seems, that we have truly (remarkably? amazingly? weirdly?) come full circle, as we are again, exactly a year later, praying for a good old fashioned baby from this cycle. After all we have done in the last year! We went from being hopeful about how God would use IVF, to being excited about the chance for a miracle baby made in our bedroom (even though yesterday my 8dpo progesterone was an incredibly unimpressive 11.6- I'm not sure how rational it is to hope that there's a baby in there? Comments welcome...).

As I finished reading my first post, I noted my use of the phrase "slippery 'specialist' path". And I know that when I wrote that, I didn't know what I do now, and that it was (somewhat shamefully) written with most of the common overtones that you think of when someone mentions a slippery slope/path.

And I sort of regret writing that. But I think I have grown alot in the last year. (So please don't throw the rotten tomatoes!!)

Because what I have learned is that while the path is slippery sometimes, in that you can easily lose your footing with its confusing terms and levels and medications and protocols and procedures and terminologies and diagnoses and dosages and opinions, if you approach the specialist path with utmost prayerful consideration and a strong understanding of what values you hold dear, there is nothing slippery about it. If you let yourself be led by God on this path to parenthood, your steps will be sure (Ps 37:23). If you don't let yourself be swept into the fast-moving river of what-everyone-else-is-doing, and instead compassionately seek what God might have you do, your feet will not slip (Ps 17: 4-6).

I think some people would be really defeated by the fact that all of that has happened in the last year and we are still not picking out nursery colors. (And I have to admit that I'm a tad more somber than I had hoped, after my progesterone result....) But I am honestly not feeling melancholy about this at all. And maybe I am some kind of optimistic anomoly who has a smile plastered to her face all the time and some kind of out of this world faith in God's promises. I think it's a mixture of being excited (delusional?) about what this cycle might hold and truly feeling rooted in the fact that I'm pumped to see what God has in store for our family. I feel very at peace with this today. That is such a blessing.

And that being said, I'm not sure if next year, I'm still writing that we're not picking out nursery colors, that I will be so okay with it. Well, maybe I will be. God's grace is an amazing thing. But truthfully, next April, I pray that I'm out shopping for baby spring outfits. For our little boy. And/or girl. Haha!

Time to dream big!!

Starting anew

Yesterday afternoon and early evening, there were more than several tears.

Which reminds me, my apologies for the run of somber-sounding posts lately! I am surprising myself for sure. I can't wait to feel like the normal me again.

I had decided early in the day yesterday that I was going to make some serious comfort food dinner... chicken & dumplings and fresh wheat bread. When the dumplings ended up being on the mushy-looking side, I couldn't hold back the crying any longer. Not only can I not make a baby, I can also not make a stinkin dumpling!!! So when Mr. A called to say he was on his way home, I sobbingly suggested that maybe he should go to his friend's place for dinner since our dinner was crap.

I don't know about your husband, but Mr. A does not respond so well to crying. He is a fix-it kind of guy, and he sees crying as something to be remedied, so (bless his heart) his first reaction is to tell me to just calm down. Which, in my bleary head, seems a little kurt. As if the problem is that he's hungry, and he's telling me to make him a sandwich to fix the problem.

But I know that he doesn't mean any harm or distress. He is just trying to fix his teary-eyed wife.

Which is not always the easiest do-it-yourself project.

I am just thankful that in our marriage, we can cut the crap and have an honest, compassionate, and gentle discussion about how x behavior makes us feel and why y behavior might be more well-received. I was not responding positively when he was trying to reassure me that things will be alright (apparently, a few less tears is not a positive enough response...haha!), and he didn't really get that telling me to just calm down was not exactly comforting.

His best line of the night? "I'd be completely happy if I had just you for the rest of my life."

Swoon.

I mean, we obviously long for children alot. But I feel the same way about him. I was making a "worst scenario list", and the worst case scenario I can think of is that the ivf doesn't work, and we go through a failed adoption. But how can I say that a lifetime with my awesome hubby to myself is the worst case scenario?!

And that being that, and after one of those to-die-for hugs, I received an affectionate slap to the rear-end as I finished up the dishes.

God, thank You for my husband. I am truly blessed.

...

I was "spotting" maroon by 8pm, so I didn't take my nightly progesterone supposit. I'm going to call my nurse this morning and see when our ivf consult is going to be. They usually start meds on cd21 of the cycle prior to the retrieval, etc. If I am figuring correctly, ER could take place on April 1. How appropriate!

We have had 3 new starts in the last year- clomid, then injectables, then iui.

Time for another new start.

Here's hoping and praying that starting over is a thing of the past.

Getting closer

11dpiui here.

I am having a hard time with the emotions this 2ww. You know, the impatience, frustration, annoyance, sadness, fear sort of things. It is so unlike me to be this way- which I think is why I'm having such a hard time with them. Yesterday I was so snappy at Mr. A, before and after church! I didn't even mean to be being snappy! (Not to mention, how disrespectful and ungrateful after receiving the half a dozen roses and the cutest card I have ever seen?!) And even IN church, I whispered some things that were really uncalled for ("hey, your coat smells like smoke" (his friend smokes all the time so he ends up smelling like it sometimes!)). I mean, really, was that necessary? Then I pretty much had big tears streaming down my face for the last couple of songs because they were all about God going before us and us not being afraid and God turning night into day, and I just couldn't hold it together! Then I continued to be tearful all the way to the car, just apologizing for how I was being!

Haha! I was a mess!!

Luckily, Mr. A is the best nap-tucker-in person, and he tucked me and Banana in for a nice nap while he did some overtime in the kitchen. That seemed to help alot- I was not overcome with emotion for the rest of the day! We had a really nice day in the end, and we ended up getting chinese take out from our favorite place for a special dinner treat- of course I was oblivious that it was also the Chinese New Year! That has to be a good coincidence, doesn't it? Haha.

I think alot of people are wondering (Mr. A and I, especially) if it's just the progesterone meds. I have been on them before- is it likely that they'd affect me differently cycle-to-cycle? I have never experienced this before. Of course I'm praying that there's a little baby is to "blame", but I don't really have any other symptoms (of course there are some here and there, but what else is new?).

I think the other reason I might be more on the emotional side is that I'm just nervous of what is next. At this point, we both are peaceful about moving forward with IVF, but we only have enough money in our baby making account for one try. I know it's not up to me to worry about the future, but it's hard not to. We are almost at the end of our baby rope... (Do you hear God chuckling at my limited viewpoint?...)

And yet all the while I'm being conflicted with all of this stuff, I'm just praying that God has a happy, healthy baby for us this time, and above all that I know we'll see His hand in the creation of our family. It is becoming fairly taxing to be praying for two different outcomes. Here's praying that we find out which road He has for us very soon...

Went great :)

Thank you all for your prayers for us this morning! Our IUI went very smoothly, and I am very bloated and tender right now. Bring on the running pants!!

As I was driving over there, I was thinking how I initially thought our IUI would be this weekend. Then when I learned that Mr. A's family wanted to visit this weekend, I was all in a fuss that that might not work too well if we have to be half an hour away at 8am Sunday morning without a good explanation.

Then at my u/s on Monday, it was revealed that my follies were unusually ahead of themselves and so we would avoid the potential to have to explain where we were going to Mr. A's family. (Not that they would not like it or disapprove- they are just not the "intimate details" type of family- they would probably be uncomfortable just because they don't talk about personal stuff.)

Little did I know then, we're supposed to get a major snowstorm this weekend. Which is a tad more inconvenient than explaining our medical lives to Mr. A's parents.

Do you see what God has orchestrated?

All I could think about today was the people whose entire cycles (and savings) hinge on being able to do a baseline u/s or an ER or ET this weekend. I praise God for providing us the opportunity to do this IUI today. I was mentioning this to the receptionist at my RE and she said there is a girl there whose critical cycle days they could use to predict major snows. I guess the storm we got before Christmas was also an important time for her! I cannot imagine.

We all have times where we feel forgotten by God, but I can tell you today that I felt very important in God's eyes. I am so lucky (and unworthy) for Him to line up our cycle dates and put great hope into my heart, while others are facing cancelled cycles and cracking dreams.

When I was walking out of the RE office, I stopped by my nurse's office to see if she met Mr. A this morning when he was there for his part. She said she had missed him! She is such a sweetheart. She told me, "I'll just have to meet him next time..." (as I'm thinking, next time?!, there isn't going to be a next time!) but she continued, "...when you're here for your early pregnancy ultrasound!" Okay, I'll agree to that!!

And the receptionist told me to call her with good news in 2 weeks. Okey doke! Needless to say, I walked out of there with a big smile on my face!

And, what song do you think was playing on the radio when I got into my car?! None other than "What faith can do" (Kutless), that spoke so clearly to me last week!! Oh my goodness, I about died! Can you believe that?! I am not kidding!!

I feel very priveleged today to have experienced all of this encouragement. I strongly believe that this is Godly encouragement. In the past, I would have doubted this. But I think it's high time I stop doubting that our God would choose to interact with us in everyday ways. I am praying that this encouragement will reveal a healthy little one snuggled in tight from this cycle, but even if it doesn't, I am encouraged that our family will be expanded by the hand of God. And once we are cradling our little one(s), I don't want to look back on our journey and see my doubt of the encouragement that was interjected along the way.

Our big God has big plans, when He gives me big encouragement, I'm going to respond with big faith!

Uncertainty

(Before I start my actual post, I just want to express my thanks for all the prayers that will be (and have been) raised for a successful IUI (tomorrow at 10am) for us this time! The trigger went well last night :) If When we find out that we're pregnant, our due date will be my older-of-my-younger-sisters sister's birthday! Hope she will be willing to share it!!)

What I really want to post about today is about the uncertainty of our lives and how awesome it is that we come together and rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15).

How many of us thought our lives would turn out one way and have been surprised that our actual life is not what we imagined? Hello, every single person who is struggling with infertility!! Hello, every single person who was convinced a new cycle was starting, only to receive a BFP!

But uncertainty touches so many others around us in many different ways, even though I identify with the anguish of uncertainty through trying to conceive. (I know, it's hard to think sometimes that people who don't struggle with infertility have problems!!)

This post was inspired by the younger-of-my-younger-sisters sister who finds herself in somewhat uncertain times right now with a specific part of her life. It's not at all what she imagined.

Please join me in praying for her today- that she would feel resolution soon, and peaceful and prayerful about any outcome, and surrounded by family and friends if that outcome is not what she had been anticipating!

Fast Growers

u/s yesterday went really well! Unexpectedly, though, I already have 20mm, 17mm, and 15mm follicles!!!! I guess the increased dosage really made them grow fast this time!! AND, if you can believe it, the 20mm is on the LEFT!!! I guess we finally got that one into shape!! My RE says he's surprised I only have 3 (he might have preferred 4), and I'm sort of thinking the same thing, but he is very happy that the left one is cooperating and that all three will most likely ovulate.

I got estrodiol bloodwork after the u/s, and they are calling me with the result this morning, but my RE expects to have us trigger tonight and have the IUI on Thursday morning. It will be our first weekday one! Good thing, too, because Mr. A's family just told us yesterday that they'd like to visit this weekend!

Guess who will (probably) be 10dpo on Valentine's Day?? Hahahahaha, why do I do this to myself??

Another Snowy Wknd

We got more snow yesterday! I think probably 7" or so. I just love our neighborhood under a blanket of snow- it is such a beautiful and peaceful place to take Banana for our walks. The roads are still pretty dicey though- church was cancelled this morning.

250iu of follistim is going well- it is surprising to me how the cartridges don't last as long with the higher dosage (thank you, captain obvious)- my dosage now is twice what I started at in October!! So far, no bruises from the injections this time- not sure how I've managed that!! I think my estrogen level is definitely rising- saw some almost ewcm this morning!! I am just praying that some great follies are growing well and that at least one of those follies will become our little one this time!!!

Here is a question about the trigger- we have always done the trigger shot IM, because that is what it says on the box ("IM only"), even though my nurse said we could do it sub-q anyway. Well when I ordered my meds, they asked which needles I needed, and because my brain temporarily malfunctioned, I told them sub-q. SO, they sent me sub-q needles this time, but since they send 3 sets of needles with each order, I still have some IM needles from days past, so we can still do it IM. But, has anyone heard that one or the other is "better" (sub-q or IM)??

I am hopeful for another great u/s tomorrow. If it's anything like past cycles, I will go back in maybe Wed for a final u/s, with the trigger either Thursday or Friday night. (IUI next Saturday or Sunday morning?) We are praying that God might bless this IUI with success and a happy healthy little one in October...

I have been thinking alot lately about how God uses our circumstances to convey to us which path we are supposed to take. In the paper a few weeks back, there was a Q/A with Billy Gra.ham where he wrote that God uses our circumstances to help us know what to do- when He opens doors to specific choices, we can take that as nudge in that direction. But what I struggle with is that God never said that following His will is going to be easy- leading me to ponder the concept that sometimes following His will might entail lots of closed doors and difficult situations.

This is even more difficult when I think about it relative to infertility. What is the balance between being persistent in the face of failure or doubt, and accepting a negative outcome as an encouragement to move on to something else?

It also brings my mind that when my friend T went through IVF 2 years ago, every single door possible just fell open before them. She was surprisingly accepted into a study which reduced expenses, she responded great to the meds, her husband ended up with relatively good numbers (he had severe MFI), and they got their BFP.... only to miscarry at almost 6w. Prior to getting her beta, she felt so encouraged about how she felt God's hand at every turn during their cycle. How could anyone not agree that with all those opened doors, God was blessing their cycle? And yet, their example shows us that even when God opens doors, it doesn't mean that there won't be hardship. (They still consider going through IVF as part of God's plan for building their family- they feel even the heartache of losing their baby to have been used for some good.)

It's my prayer that God has a "yes" in store for us this cycle or next. But I also pray that we'll have the courage and discernment to know what to do with a "no"- whether to remain persistent on our current path or choose a new one. None of this infertility journey is easy, but nothing about "Take up your cross and follow Me" sound easy either!!

u/s and etc.

Had my CD2 u/s today. Everything looks great! (Is it just me or did my lining stripe look thinner? Damn clomid. (As if I know what I'm talking about.)) AND my RE is upping my follistim to 250 units per night!! (Pick up jaw off the floor.) He said, "You were on 200 last time and got 2 great follicles and 1 pretty good one, but I'd like to see 3 or 4 great ones!" Well, alrighty, then! I'm game for increasing the targets!! C'mon TWINS.

(Kudos also to the resident (who I'm sure isn't reading) who actually manipulated the wand during the u/s... she was MUCH better than the last (male) resident!! No need to try to harpoon the infertile gal on CD2 when she is already dealing with period cramps. Really.)

If you could pray that I get the new meds soon- I just have 1 900iu cartridge, and that is not going to last me long doing 250iu per night!!

I am definitely going to pray about volunteering to start a RESOLVE group in my area, as I don't think there is one. My biggest hesitation is that I think we are just about at the end of the RE road, meaning, we are going to do this IUI, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure we'll move to IVF. (I say "pretty sure" because we are really trying to take this day-by-day, praying for guidance.) And if God doesn't bless us after both of those, I think we will likely start saving for adoption. (We do have a savings account just for babymaking stuff, and it does have enough in there for one IVF cycle, but at this point, we do not see it as a judicious way to spend our money to keep doing IVF cycle after IVF cycle after IVF cycle. Not that it isn't what others might feel is appropriate for them- everyone is different, and this is just what Mr. A feels is best for us. But it will be emptied after an IVF cycle, and saving $30k for adoption is not exactly an overnight process....)

It is hard for me to talk about "what if this doesn't work" kind of scenarios, because in my heart I want to believe that this IUI will work and we will welcome our first little one(s) in October. But I guess infertility brings out the doubt in all of us. Wish it wasn't that way.

But Mr. A and I are both planning-kind-of-people. So that is what we do. Regardless of the fact that God's baby plans have yet to line up with ours....probably because His are so awesome that they take alot of time to get organized...

Hide and Seek

So. Let's start our period, shall we?

Here is the thing. Mr. A's birthday is mid-February. I thought today would be CD1 (and, let's not be kidding ourselves that the beta wasn't right...), but so far no spotting. I understand that after stopping progesterone, it could take 7-10 days to start?!?! Unless I start within the next 6 days, there is a chance that we'd be doing our IUI on his birthday.

Happy birthday, sweetie. Time to head to the RE office!!

Pff.

Why must periods dilly dally when there is no baby in there? Let's get this new cycle on the road! The only positive I can see of being delayed is that I only have one more cartridge of follistim which will only last me 4 days, so if I don't start today, that gives me more time to get my meds replenished!! (This is actually something I am worried about, so I'm fine with starting tomorrow, but I really really don't want us to have to do the IUI on Mr. A's birthay...)

In other fun news, I have a "favorite things" post coming down the road! Also, I know I haven't posted any faith/reflective posts lately, and I hope it isn't coming across that I'm not considering God among all the events that have been happening recently- that couldn't be farther from the truth, really- but I'm just finding myself needing to reflect a little more before getting it down on "paper". Not to worry! I take my prayer list (for our intentions and for all of YOU and your intentions) with me every time Banana and I go out for our walks!

Blizzard Baby(s)

That's right folks. I am officially calling our prospective offspring our blizzard baby(s)! Isn't that cute? We woke up to snow this morning, and it has steadily accumulated to about 4" right now! I think estimates are around 8" for this snowfall, but it looks like it is tapering off. Banana hates the snow (where is the grass to poop on?!), so she is less than excited, unlike me who is completely stoked that it's snowing! Our area is just breathtakingly gorgeous under a blanket of snow.

ANYWAY, by the grace of God, we arrived safely at the RE's this morning (the interstates were a bit slushy/slippery, but no snow on the road thankfully). And safely home, obviously. Mr. A is again the star of the day, as his part of the event this morning went really great! :) I feel like I was gearing up to ovulate early this morning (pretty bloated/gas pains), so I'm pretty excited about the IUI timing! During the IUI itself, I had some cramping, and I am cramping right now, too, as well as still feeling kind of bloated. I have way less spotting than last time.

I am praying our blizzard baby(s) will find a place to snuggle in!! Baby, it's cold outside!

(It is totally not a real blizzard. Which makes me calling them our blizzard babies even more hilarious because every time I call this a blizzard, Mr. A emphatically expresses how ridiculous I am being!! HA!!!)

The coolest part of the morning is that in between Mr. A's appointment and the IUI itself, we went to look at wood stoves! We are hoping to have one installed in January in front of our fireplace, since wood stoves are more efficient than fireplaces. (And since Mr. A has a ton of friends with property so we can get free firewood, this would drastically decrease the cost of heating our house in the winter.) I think we picked one we both like, and I'm pretty sure Mr. A is going to order it on Monday! He's actually meeting up right now with my sister and her hubby to clear some trees they have down on their swim club property. (Yes, somehow he convinced them to meet up while it is snowing!)

It was really fun to go wood stove shopping :) Much more fun than running a red light and crying in the Burger King parking lot like last time!!! I think the wood stove is going to look great in our family room and do a wonderful job of heating!!

I am going to write up the Giveaway Post this afternoon and have it publish tomorrow. Basically, all you will need to do to enter is leave a comment on tomorrow's post (I'll cut off comments Monday at 5pm EST), and then I will randomly pick a winner! But I'll be more specific in tomorrow's post. I also wanted to mention that I'm not getting paid to do this or talk about their site- I just thought it would be a fun thing for you readers!

Hope everyone is staying cozy today! Thank you all for your prayers :) Here's praying (begging) for a week-before-Christmas BFP and a late August little one (or two, haha)!!

**Edited to add this verse my friend T emailed me this morning- I love how powerful and comforting it is, having waited for such a time already!!!

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." ~ Habakkuk 2:3

got hope?

Does God really go around putting "got hope?" message-bearing bumper stickers on cars and then making them pass me on the interstate?

In response, I said to God: "YES LORD, I sure do have HOPE! I probably have more than recommended actually, but I can't BEAR to NOT HOPE!! God, I pray you will use this IUI to bless us with our first baby(s)!! PLEASE! I actually would love to have MORE HOPE, but I'm not sure my heart can manage the already bubbling-over volume of HOPE I have stuffed within me. God please FULFILL the desire of my heart to conceive and bear our first child(ren)!!! My HOPE is based in YOUR mercy and love, Lord, and I pray that it's Your will that my HOPE will not be misplaced this cycle!!!"

Resume twanging along with Joh.nny Cash's version of Silent Night...

And thus you would have found me driving back from my u/s this morning.

Which, by the way, was great. I even had to drive to the actual hospital, instead of the normal satellite office, because my RE has an egg retrieval and an embryo transfer and another surgery scheduled for the rest of the day there. Busy guy! I was a little nervous (aren't hospitals hard to navigate around?), but the whole time I felt completely at peace. I was exactly on time and where I needed to be, and the u/s showed two beautiful follicles that are 18mm, two beautiful ones that are 16mm, and one that is 12mm. (Three on right, two on left.) WHOA. (!!!!!!!!!) I am officially hoping for happy and healthy twins in August 2010. Ha! Did I just write that??

After the u/s, I could not shake the happy feeling. I tried not to smile because I felt like a complete goofball, but I just wanted to smile. I think my doc is also really happy with the response this time, and I am just praying that the Lord will bless at least one of these follicles to become our first baby!!

I met my friend O for tea after the u/s. It was such an awesome time for fellowship with her!! We had such inspiring conversations about our volunteer work at respective pregnancy centers- it is such a neat thing to share with someone else!! She has a heart for volunteering there especially since her daughter's birthmom considered abortion and then decided against it, choosing life and to make an adoption plan instead. So powerful!! I am so thankful for the friendship God has provided me through her!! She is so excited for us, especially after the u/s results this morning! She was telling me how great and fun motherhood is and just beaming the whole time. I felt so loved by her and that she is praying so hard for us!! It was so neat to see, and it made me all the more excited about being a mom! I just can't wait. Well, you know, I can. And I will, but you know, I just can't wait!!!

My RE's nurse just called- IUI will be at 9am Saturday!! Somebody wipe this smile off my face! (Good luck- Bra.d Paisl.ey Christmas is the CD that's playing!!!!!)

(Updated: Nurse just called again and we're moving the IUI back to 10am on Saturday...)

Back in the Saddle

How do people get back up to date with all the blog friends' stuff after being gone for almost a week?! I promise I'll get around to everyone soon... I have read up and will be praying for you all, even if I don't get around to commenting for a bit!!

We had an awesome Thanksgiving at my parents'. Among a ton of other things, I am so thankful that my sibs and all our significant others get along so well- we just have a blast when we're all together! We had our annual contentious Mono.poly game (e.g., new rules include alliances and co-op's), we invented "nu.t po.ker" (e.g. a walnut=$1, a pecan=$0.50, an almond=$0.25, and a filbert=$0.05...), and we played corn.hole, which I renamed "but.thole" because that is what I immediately think of when someone says corn.hole, but we always used to call this game "the bean bag game" when I was little. The roasted turkey turned out PERFECT...probably the juciest white meat I've ever had (hint: use herb butter under the turkey skin)- and I had so much fun cooking in general. And I didn't hit any deer on the way there and back- bonus!!

Just had my u/s... I have FOUR follies!! Two on each side, if you can believe it: the right had a 16 and a 14, and the left had an 12 and an 8. My RE wants to give the left ones a chance to be good and mature, so I'll be on follistim 200iu for another three nights, with another u/s Wednesday morning...and probably trigger Thursday night if everything continues on the same track. That means IUI on Saturday morning!! I am so excited that the increased dosage has caused some production on the left side. (I am also excited that the resident who gave me the u/s last Monday, who apparently has not had the "how to do a gentle vag. u/s" class yet, was not there today...yowie..). Oh yah, my lining is 10mm, so my RE is very happy with that :)

It's a good thing that everything is looking good down there, because my cousin who got married 2 months after we did emailed this morning that she is going to email me her picture for Grama's Christmas calendar after her 230pm u/s. Oh, hadn't I heard that she was pregnant? Oh, yah, they are pregnant!!

Pff.

Apparently everyone else except me knows, too, and my mom said she didn't tell me because she didn't want to upset me. While I appreciate her sensitivity and the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation it puts my mom in, it's not like it is any easier to hear that someone is pregnant if they are further along. At least my cousin is due in June, not, you know, in February or something. I'm doing okay really, it's just another occurence where my mouth gapes open and all I can think is "REALLY? Seriously?!".

At least I have opened up the Christmas CD case. That provides a helluva lot relief right there! There is nothing like singing along with Josh Groba.n to "Little Drummer Boy". Mr. A got our tree yesterday and as I was having so much fun decorating it and the rest of the house (while belting out the "Joy to the World" with Whitn.ey Houston), I was thinking to myself what a fun season to conceive. Here you are, walking around signing all the time with a big smile on your face, what better time for a baby to be snuggling in. Let's just hope that my fantasies come true.

It is so easy for infertiles to identify with Advent, what with all the waiting and anticipating and joy at the end. I'd like to think that God uses an infertile's Advent in a special way because He knows how much we are anticipating (other than the coming of His Son, obviously). We went to church with my family on Thanksgiving, and the pastor's sermon was so moving to me- I actually let loose a few heavy tears. It is so humbling to think that God might bless us with a baby during the season, especially since the Scriptures associated with this season are so hopeful and sure that God's promise to His people will come. At the same time, though, it will be so easy for my heart to run away with the promises with how relevant they are to my waiting right now. I am confident that no matter the outcome of this cycle, God has great plans for us this Advent season. All I can do is take Him at His word: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock, and the door will be opened for you." (Matt 8)

Whirlwind

I had visions of me going to my RE today and having the u/s and him being like, "What are you talking about? That was just heavy implantation spotting- You are pregnant!"

Haha. Sometimes I really crack myself up!!

Back to reality, my u/s went great today- a few baby follicles, but no cysts, thanks be to God! And, contrary to what I was thinking, my RE is getting bold and bumping my injection to 200iu per night!! I think he is a bit frustrated that my left ovary is a total moocher and has not produced any contender follicles. No more Mr. Nice Guy, left ovary!! No more letting Miss Right Ovary do all the work around here. I hope I don't respond too quickly on the increased dosage, though, because the first I'll be able to be monitored is a week from today!! He said after three injectable/IUI cycles, the chances of that method working are pretty slim, so I don't know what our stats are supposed to be- this is injectable #3, but only IUI #2. I'm anticipating an IUI late next week, but we'll see how things go :) It would be awesome to have it on the weekend again...

And just because Mr. A and I are totally type-A and want to have advance information on anything we do, I asked for the IVF cost sheet. Gulp. $9865 (not including meds). And when I told my friend K that, we both remarked that, as sad as it was, that is actually lower than we were anticipating!! Haha!

I don't mean any disrespect to your IVF'ers out there, but I hope we don't have to do IVF. I guess no one does though. I know some people don't agree with IVF, and it's not like we're considering this lightly and hoping to carelessly create a million embryo's that we then don't know what to do with and thereby cause them to be thoughtlessly killed. For those of you not considering IVF, I hope you'll continue to read anyway...

All that comes to me whenever I pray about IVF is that God is still the creator. It doesn't matter how many eggs you retrieve or how many are fertilized or how many become blasts or how many are transferred back into mom. I happen to believe life starts at conception, and God either allows conception during IVF or He doesn't. He sustains that baby or He doesn't. It is still in His control and out of ours, no matter how much we wish otherwise. The reason I feel so strongly about this? Even the percent success of IVF is not anywhere near 100%. Don't you think that scientists would love to be able to "play God" and guarantee IVF success and come up with a way they could certainly make it happen? But they can't. Because life is ultimately up to God.

There are many choices which a Christian considering IVF needs to pray intensely about, and you can believe we are going to be on our knees about it. Well, first we'll be praying that this IUI works and we won't have to try IVF. But we are already praying for discernment about IVF.

I probably won't get many chances to post in the next several days due to Thanksgiving (I will be too busy eating)! I have alot to be thankful for, that is for sure. I will be praying for safe travels for all of you, and those of you doing IUI's/monitoring over the holiday will especially be in my prayers.

What?

Hello, dark red spot! At 12dpiui, no less, a full 3 days earlier than expected! I am stumped. I don't think it is quite CD1, but probably tomorrow, so I called my RE and scheduled an u/s for Monday. The nurse thinks they'll let us do another follistim IUI, even though we won't be available for monitoring next week (first monitoring will be on CD10)...I guess since my left ovary is a slacker and the most follicles I've ever had is three, they're not too worried about 10 popping up all of a sudden...

Move over turkey, make room for the follistim in the fridge!

Haha.

I am doing pretty okay. Bummed of course, but not devastated or feeling like it's never going to work. I really do think that God will bless one of these cycles. I just have a peace about that, you know?

Now as far as trusting my gut goes, that is out the window ;-) What was I thinking? Haha!

Mr. A said to ask the doc if we can step it up a notch. I told him the next notch is IVF ;-) I think we would have specific requests for IVF, if we go there, as far as quantities go, so we're really going to have to do some soul searching as far as that goes. Has anyone ever read "Christians and IVF: Wise Choices and Life-Affirming Options"? I haven't, but I'm thinking it may be a good purchase. Of course I'm praying God will bless us in the upcoming cycle!

Unexpected

Two things yesterday that came from out of the blue:
1. My parents' house got broken into
2. EWCM with a thread of red through it, followed by light light brown on the next trip to the bathroom, followed by nothing more.

GULP.

Okay, let's start with #1- it is easier to wrap my head around, as hard as it is to wrap my head around!! My dad got home and the window on the back door was smashed and the door was wide open. My mom's closet was totally all over their bedroom. The thieves took alot of her gold jewelry, a ring and a watch of my dad's, and my brother's prep school class ring. They did not touch any of the china, any of my dad's tools, any of their credit cards/checkbook, or my dad's bicycles (he rides alot and his bikes are not cheap!). The police said they are having alot of these type break-in's, and they suspect the burgulars are only looking for gold that they can send to those cas.h for gol.d places. Kind of sad. At least they didn't vandalize the house or anything. I think it would have broken my mom's heart to lose all her china (the pattern is my maiden name!) right before she is hosting like 15 people for Thanksgiving. (Not that my mom values her china over her life, but I'm sure you know what I mean.) Oh, the other thing they took was the collection of state quarters my mom was accumulating- the thieves ever-so-nicely took the quarters but left her the list that she had been keeping of the ones she had! I don't know about you, but that I think that is SO cute that she was doing that and especially keeping a list!! My sibs and I are going to try to collect her all the state quarters for Christmas...

Please keep my dad and mom in your prayers as they will return to a house this evening that has been invaded. I pray that somehow they will feel safe there.

On to #2. I even hesitated to mention it, for fear of looking like an idiot. Ha!

Yes, on a random naive trip to pee yesterday, I ended up staring at plentiful EWCM with a tiny thread of red ("streaked"?) though it. In disbelief, I went for a second pass and this time came up with light brown CM. FREAK OUT!!! Hello, I was 4dpiui yesterday. I did have some really mild cramps yesterday around this time. I went again to the bathroom about an hour later and all that was there was light brown CM, and I haven't had anything more since then. Totally nothing this morning, cramps or spotting. What is up?! Of course all of creation says that implantation can happen at 5dpo at the earliest, but I have to be honest here- I think it might have been implantation! I mean, everyone's bodies are different, right? Of course all my gut feelings are historically incorrect, but I'm going to ride this one for a while. What else could it have been? I took the trigger an entire week ago, so I don't really think it could be ovulation!! I spotted a ton on Sunday after the IUI, but I had been clear since Sunday evening. I have never ever had this type of spotting so early!! Should I call my RE? Oh my gosh, please baby be here!!

In other great news, I got my car back!!! Yah! It took almost a month to fix after the run-in with the deer. I sure hope we are accident-free forever after this :)

It finally stopped raining! So I was able to have a great prayerful walk with Banana this morning, instead of trying to get her to do her business as quickly as possible in the torrential downpour and then turn around and make a bee-line for home!! I have been praying for all of you- thanks so much for praying for us!

2dpiui

Wow, thank you all for your prayers on Sunday!! I am so thankful and appreciative- I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such positive influences!!

I have to admit that I always chuckled when I saw people write "dpiui"...in my head I always say "dpewey". Ha!!

If my physical symptoms after the HCG shot are in any way indicative of how I'll feel once the baby starts making HCG, I will be easily tired and have a tender lower abdomen feeling. Also really sensitive up top. I am pretty sure I was like this last cycle, too. Hopefully there won't be a subsequent cycle until next fall...

Mr. A and his brothers pretend to be philosophers from time to time, and one of their favorite theories to ponder is Schrodinger's cat. Are you familiar with it? Basically this scientist said that if you put a cat and some poison in a covered box, there are two outcomes that exist simultaneously, until you open the box and see what has happened: the cat is both dead and alive at the same time. I don't really agree with the conclusion, because I think just because both possibilities exist at the same time, it doesn't mean that both actualities exist at the same time- even if you can't see what the outcome is, there is still only one reality, and my own personal conclusion makes the discussions about this concept with them all the more fun and hilarious.

But for the sake of my current situation, and because I think it is completely funny to antagonize Mr. A with my disagreement of the fancy conclusion of that cat experiment, I am choosing to believe that I am indeed pregnant. Might as well choose the positive outcome if both exist! Ha!

Anyway, since I am pregnant (haha), I was telling Mr. A that, while I would accept being pregnant at any time of the year, I am particularly excited about being due in August. Why, you say? I have a couple friends who were due in August, and all they can tell me is how hot it is to be pregnant then. WELL. Luckily, I can just go float around in our pool!!! Literally ever since we've started trying, I have always thought how good/healthy it would be to be able to swim while really pregnant, and how refreshing it would be to be able to feel buoyant when 8 mos pregnant. So this is just perfect! Awesome how these things work out like this.

Nothing else particularly exciting going on. Just praying that God has allowed conception of our first baby to take place and that he'll/she'll/they'll be born healthy and happy next August. Also praying for my friend T who's just beginning the adoption process, and GIMH who is bringing her adopted son home today!!! And also praying for my friend K who is in the midst of her first 2ww under an Eastern Medicine doc's care- so far it is looking much better than her previous cycles, and the Wife who's 9 weeks pregnant today!!! And also praying for all of the rest of you...

We made it!

We made it! COME ON BABY(S)!!! IUI is complete :) Complete with emotional (hormoney) A. Ha! More on that later...

Friday night after dinner, I mentioned to Mr. A that maybe we could "snuggle" after the trigger shot. He was alarmed by this, since we had to abstain 3 days prior to the SA, he could not understand how it was allowed to only abstain 36 hrs before the IUI. I thought I remembered the NP saying we only had to wait 24 hours, but of course since Mr. A brought it up that it seemed odd, I spent an hour googling/mildly freaking out that I mis-heard what my NP said and that all would be lost at the IUI if we didnt' abstain. Well of course google is so NOT scientific, but so many people said that it was okay to do it after the trigger and then wait till the IUI, I felt okay with still suggesting that we do it. Especially since we have no male factor issues. I guess I am just not convinced that ovulation really doesn't happen till 36 hours after the trigger, so I wanted some swimmers in the vicinity in case the eggies were early. So anyway, snuggling and triggering took place withouth incident.

The funniest part about the trigger was when I was reading the directions to out loud... We get the powder dissolved and drawn into the syringe, and I prepped my backside for the injection. We were using a 25G 1.5" IM needle, which is not a tiny or short needle by any stretch of the imagination. So I'm reading the instructions, with Mr. A leaning over ready to do the injection...

Me: "Hold syring like a dart, insert the entire length of the needle..."
Him: Stands straight up, saying "Are you freaking kidding me?! The whole length of this thing?!"

HA!! It was so funny!! He said he was afraid he'd hit a bone. Which is sweet, because as I look at my backside, I am definitely not bony! HA! Anyway, he did a great job giving me the shot!!

Yesterday was fun- we made a big breakfast and had a great time hanging out with my friend and watching some football. Not much else really! Mr. A was tired from getting up early to go hunting yesterday morning, so it was a pretty low-key day.

This morning was good- walked Banana early, and we had time for coffee and an english muffin before we had to go. Got to the clinic a few minutes before our appt. No one is there. Elevators don't work, and we can't find the stairs.. Umm..... Good thing I left my doctor's business card with the "weekend IUI" number on the filing cabinet at home, 40 minutes away. :-P Luckily about 5 minutes (which seemed like an eternity), the washer got there- whew! She was really nice, and got us set up. The whole time I was praying that God would bring forth the ones He has destined to meet up with my egg(s)!!! Anyway, Mr. A was such a trooper, and we had about an hour to kill while they prepared the sample. So, we did what any healthy people would do- scarfed down some egg mcmuff.in's! Ha! It was a treat- we don't eat out that often!! Then we had some more time before we had to be back at the clinic so we decided to see if Best Bu.y was open. Here's where the waterworks start...

So I'm not exactly familiar with all the convoluted intersections of the college town where our RE is, and believe me, there are some convulated intersections. So I'm driving along and I see 2 stoplights that are within, literally, 10 feet of each other. They are both red, and I didn't see any signs to explain, so I just proceed to the furthest one and stop. Then the left turn gets green so I turn and then I notice a police with his lights on in my rear view... Mr. A is like, oh great, you should have definitely stopped at the first red light (he says he saw a sign to stop at the first one)... which is what the police says, but I honestly didn't see any sign to that effect, and he didn't write me a ticket (whew- God bless you police man!), but in his passion for the concept of stopping at ALL red lights, Mr. A's tone of voice was perhaps a little "emphatic" which hormoney-A interprets as really pissed off, so I lost it in the Burg.er K.ing parking lot. Then he proceeds to tell me that I should calm down because I shouldn't be stressed before the IUI. YA THINK??? Ha!!!

So we get back to the clinic a few minutes early, and I'm proceeding to finish my coffee cup. To which Mr. A shortly observes "Should you even be having coffee today?" Haaaaaa...... (less tears that time)

Luckily, we get up to the clinic itself and they are ready for us, and the doc says that the sample count was 68 million motile!! Way to go, baby!! I am so thankful for good results- surely at least one can step up to the plate, right? My RE seemed really pleased with that (said anything over 40 million would give optimal results), and I think Mr. A was a little astounded and relieved and excited to hear such a big number like that. The IUI itself was completely painless to me (although the RE said I might have some spotting today because my cervix is really sensitive), and I haven't had any cramping or anything, so I hope those eggies really do come out to play. Should I be alarmed that I haven't had any cramping (ovulation and/or IUI related)?! I laid down for about 15 minutes after the IUI, during which Mr. A wondered how they come up with the sample count, and I said "they count them, that's why it takes a while!" Ha! Such a jokester ;-)

So we've arrived safely back home, but I am definitely feeling weepy still. I am praying that God will work a miracle today with the little that we have to offer. I feel so uplifted by so many prayers, and I am very at peace with the outcome that God has for this cycle. I am sensing alot of positive momentum surrounding us, and I just pray that God is behind it, with a baby blessing!! I can't wait to see what He has in store for us!! Thank you so much for praying for us- I love to pray for you, too!!

(ETA: Just want to clarify that Mr. A is still as totally awesome and amazing as usual- I am just a tad teary-eyed today!!)