::Crickets::

Tee Jay left me a sweet comment to ask how we were doing, and I just have to oblige her and post real quick that we are all doing great!

M is 11 months old in a couple days, and she is AWESOME.  Hubby just got his pilot's license, and we went up in his plane on Friday after work, and it is SO COOL!!  M loved it, too.  Dogs are good :)  Work is really busy, and I wish I could just win the lottery already.  Our nanny has been with us since I went back to work in January, and I hope she stays with us until Maryanne goes to school...

My sister is due with her baby in 5 weeks.  Holy camoley.  Her shower was a huge success (or maybe instead of winning the lottery, can I just quit my real job and start a party planning business?), and I was so happy that so many people gave her such useful things.  She has still not asked me that much about my go at labor/delivery/motherhood, but I've given some unsolicited musings here and there, and I think I've accepted that that's going to be pretty much it unless actually having the baby jump starts a desire to see what's worked for her big sister.

As far as if they're excited, they are not as excited as we were (not sure if that is possible, though), but I think they are going to do okay.  Hubby and I and Maryanne hung out with them this afternoon, and we had a very enjoyable time, and they are both really cute/adoring to M.  It is so funny because all the time we don't hear from them or see them for a long time, we kind of build them up to be unsocial/unfriendly/uninterested in family members, but usually when we get together, we have a really nice time.

And speaking of seeing them, maybe the stars are thinking aligning because they want to get together with us for dinner this coming weekend, and she suggested that she and I get ice cream in a couple weeks the morning before her doctor's appointment.  I about fell off my chair.  Could it be possible that I might actually start to see her regularly?!?  How awesome would that be.

AND.

She is not going back to work after their baby comes.  I, of course, work from home full time, but because I work from home, I have a ton of flexibility in my hours.  Can you imagine all the fun things we can do together, with the kiddos?!?!  I don't exactly know how they crunched the numbers to make living on his salary doable, but apparently they did, and I just hope they were honest with themselves as far as their expenses go.  But all in all, given the recent improvement in the frequency of our get togethers, I am actually a little bit optimistic we will get to be mamas together, after all.

But enough about my sister ;-)

I'm still breastfeeding, although I think M is sort of self-weaning a bit- we are down to 2 times a day.  I got my first period post-baby almost a month ago, and raise your hand if you think we'll get a BFP this time?  Hahahahahahaha.  I am returning to acupuncture and taking my vitamins again, so we'll see.  At this point, we're just doing "general health/balance" treatments, and as much as I say at this point that I don't want to "try" as hard as last time, if we're not pregnant by December, I might ask her to do some more fertility-focused points.  We would both be 100% happy if our family is forever the three of us, so let's be clear about that!!

I really need to find time to return to yoga or running or something.  Just like 30 minutes a day.  It shouldn't be that hard!!!  I've been back in my normal clothes for a long time, I just feel like if I tried, I could be even smaller.  Smaller is relative, of course, I would still not be a size 4 or 6 :-P

Okay, I'm sure this is info overload.  I want so badly to keep up with this, I really do.  I promise not to let it sit untended for another 3 months ;-)  Leave a comment and tell me how you're doing!!  I read all your blogs while I'm nursing, so I'm pretty current on y'all, but it'd be great for you to say hi if you're still reading :)

Are you miserable?

Mr. A wanted to know last night. He said that all his coworkers keep asking him if I'm miserable, and when he says no, they tell him that that's crazy- I am miserable.

I think that is crazy talk.

I honestly don't know what to say to women who say they are miserable at the end of their pregnancy. Or the ones that whine that they want their body back. I just don't even know what they're thinking.

Okay fine, when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, my lower back really hurts and there is a ton of pelvic pressure, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl hanging out just where she is supposed to be right now, fully engaged and ready to meet us!

Okay fine, my belly has gotten pretty huge, and I have to chuckle that when I'm doing dishes I have to stand farther back from the sink to make room for it, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl growing just like she's supposed to!

For every symptom-related complaint I've ever heard about the end of pregnancy, I can't think of any response that doesn't come back to the fact that pregnancy is such a huge blessing, and women who complain about it (without the disclaimer that they know that it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby) have no idea how many other women would give their right arm to feel the same way. There are fertility clinics full of patients who are paying $20k a pop out of pocket for a chance to pee 3 times a night or have heartburn all the time.

So to the women who selfishly wail about being miserable at the end of pregnancy or write up eviction notices for their growing babies, I say how dare you. How dare you complain about the miracle of new life and all that it takes to create such a thing, and how dare you complain that your baby is still healthy and growing inside when so many moms go through miscarriage and infant loss?

And in other non-miserable news, my appointment this morning went great :) Blood pressure was 128/78, total weight gain is 26lbs (eh), but they are happy with that, her heartbeat was 143, she is at 0 station, I'm 2cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Midwife is really pleased with how my body is getting ready- we made an appointment for an NST and other post-due monitoring for next Wednesday (10/12), but she said she will be surprised if Maryanne isn't here by then. YAY!

Acupuncture at 1pm today to see if that will further help my body get ready! So excited!!!

Some advice for y'all (updated w/ links)

Alot of you have asked me if I would recommend such-and-such that I tried while on this journey. So I thought I'd do a pre-pregnancy and while-pregnant post about what I've liked and what I could have done without. I'm not being paid in any way to recommend or not recommend anything, just so you know :) None of these supplements was specifically recommended by my doctor(s)- I just came to do research about each one and felt good about adding them to my diet.

TTC:
Fertility Drugs: BOO. (Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Vitamin D (2000iu/day): I started taking 2000iu in the fall (was taking a lower dosage before then). I definitely would recommend this supplement. A friend of mine saw a normal endocrinologist, and he told her that in the endocrine system, Vitamin D is very powerful, and he thought everyone should take 2000iu per day. The reason I started taking it was because after all our failed ART treatments, it seemed as though I just had low levels of hormones all around. Some reading I had done suggested that increasing your Vitamin D intake would help the production of hormone levels.

Prenatal Vitamin: I take Rainbow Light's Prenatal One. It is a food-based prenatal, meaning that the nutrients therein come from natural/vegetable sources. I would definitely recommend this brand.

Baby Aspirin and/or Robitussin: I took these a few cycles here and there over the last few years, and while I don't think they do you any harm, I am not convinced it helped me in any way. Since I was trying to rid my body of unnecessary chemicals, I decided since I hadn't seen "results", these ones weren't on my list of keepers.

Wheatgrass: I started with the tablets (7 per day, thank you) in July, and sometime early fall, I switched to the powder. The reasons I started taking this supplement was because it is an alkaline superfood containing great folic acid (as adults, our bodies tend towards acidity), and I hoped it would make sure the pH of the reproductive areas was optimal. Also, there are studies that say that wheatgrass improves FSH levels and/or egg quality, and given the results of our ART cycles, that is what I suspected my issue was. I will warn you, it's not the most yummy concoction (I mixed it with 8oz of juice) to choke down every day, but I felt it was definitely having a positive impact, so I would recommend it.

Acupuncture (along with "The Infertility Cure" (book)): I did acupuncture for about 3ish weeks last spring around our IVF cycle, in hopes it would help my response. Well, we all know how that went down. However, after deciding to ditch modern medicine in October and go with only natural fertility-enhancers, I returned to acupuncture, once a week. I think without all the other meds in my body, acupuncture was much more successful (for me). I definitely felt a difference in my cycles and my body/mind, and I incorporated many dietary suggestions from The Infertility Cure. I would definitely recommend acupuncture and this book.

Royal Jelly: I added this supplement in November, because it has been said to be the natural fertility drug. This is what the queen bees eat, and they drop eggs all day long. ;-) It works at the cellular level to make sure cells are as healthy as can be, so I also took this with the hopes I'd crank out some spectacular looking eggies sometime soon. I got the actual jelly form, and just like wheatgrass, eating a tsp per day was a labor of love, but I did it, and I'd recommend it to anyone! (edited to respond to Mommy-In-Waiting: yes, I read that it takes 3 months to "take effect", and it just so happens that I started in November and conceived in January....!)

CoQ10: I added this in January because this supplement has been said to assist in enhancing blood flow and the energy/cell reproduction process, and I wanted to increase my circulation/energy levels (per acupuncture), and make sure my eggs were being made properly (do you notice a trend?). This is a supplement I think is probably least specifically related to fertility issues, but I haven't read anything detrimental about adding it to your intake, so I would keep this in my vitamin cabinet.

Circle+Bloom and Pulling Down the Moon's "Yoga Practices for Fertility": Both of these holistic things I added in January, and I loved them. I think everyone who is still praying for their baby should get one of each of these. The circle+bloom is a meditation series, and it is very relaxing and even if it doesn't work right away, the visualization exercises are really neat to practice. I ordered the fertility yoga DVD, and did it every morning of the week (not weekends). It isn't too hard (if you have never done yoga before), and the instructors do a great job of explaining the poses' relevance to infertility.

PREGNANCY:
Basically, I have continued the Vitamin D, Prenatal, and CoQ10. I stopped the Royal Jelly because there isn't an acceptance either way if it is safe during pregnancy or not. I continued the wheatgrass for as long as I could, but I just have not felt like subjecting myself to trying to swallow that concoction for several weeks.

I have added Expecta DHA prenatal supplement because my prenatal doesn't have DHA in it.

I haven't been back to acupuncture, as much as my practitioner and lots of people on the web assure me that it's safe during pregnancy as long as a few points are avoided. I have alot of confidence in its ability to move energy and adjust balances, and right now my body is balanced (enough) to support this baby, and I am nervous about altering that. I do want to return at least as I approach delivery, though, as there are points to make sure baby is in the right position and my body is preparing itself in the most whole way.

I am not doing the Yoga for Fertility anymore, but I am doing prenatal yoga 5 mornings a week:

First, I got Shiva Rae's DVD and about fell asleep during her routine. I mean, I am no yoga master, but it is soooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwww. As a former distance runner, I need some meat to my workouts, even if they are generally lower impact during pregnancy. The nice thing is that her DVD has trimester variations, but seriously, it is so boring.

Then, I ordered Element's Prenatal/Postnatal Yoga and Ann Richmond's Yoga for Pregnancy (6 workouts). These are MUCH better, and Ann Richmond's one is separated into trimesters, so for people who want the variations, this one is good (although the editing will make you chuckle- she has herself edited into random fields of blowing grass, etc.). The Element one is my favorite, though. (To be honest, I've lent my Ann Richmond out to a friend who is dealing with morning sickness, as she has a segment devoted to relieving specific symptoms!) I'm hoping that my prenatal yoga practice, along with walking the dogs 45min-1hr per day will help me stay fit during pregnancy!

If you have any questions, be sure to ask! I will try to do a followup post if there is enough interest!!

A Phony

Thanks for all your comments on yesterday's post. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is just being cautious. To my knowledge she has never had a miscarriage or any fertility problems- her third son was actually a total surprise (less than 2 years after her 2nd son) and she was devastated, as in CRYING ON THE BED, when her pregnancy test was positive that time. Don't get me started ;-)

But anyway, today I am having lunch with my neighbor. She is my mom's age, but she doesn't work, and so we have lunch every now and then. She is your typical very nosy neighbor, but it is kind of funny because we know more people in the neighborhood than they do, thanks to walking our pups twice a day and meeting people along the way. So even though she would like to have more gossip than me, it is the other way around. And what is even funnier is that I am not a gossipy person, so at our lunches, I'm always trying to turn the conversation away from such things.

Back in November at lunch, I was talking about how I was going to acupuncture, and she asked me why. *Deer in headlights* But I figured, oh what the heck, I'll just spill the beans, and so I told her that we were trying to have kids and wanted to explore some natural methods to help that happen. She didn't really press me for details (thank goodness), and we just left it at that. I wondered what I had just done- how would I explain not conceiving to her if she asked me how it was going 2 years later?

Luckily, she has been good about not pestering- although in January she did ask if I would work after having children and "you know, I could always watch them for you, right across the street". Again, I thought to myself, oh what have I done?

Fast forward to today, when I plan on telling her about the baby. I am sure she will be really happy for us, but I sort of feel like a phony.

For all she knows, we have been trying for kids since November. As in, for 3-4 months. As in, the time it takes NORMAL people to be successful.

Clearly, I am not normal, and there is a huge difference between the reality of 3-4 years and what it will appear to be 3-4 months.

I almost feel like I should give her some background of our struggle, but I am not sure of how much I want to get into the details. I guess I don't owe any explanation past that we have been blessed now, but it just feels weird to think that in her mind, we'll be lumped in with any other couple who decides they want to have kids and is successful in a short amount of time.

This happened when I shared our news with our vet, as I was having a breakdown in her office 3 weeks ago when Banana was sick. (Earlier than I wanted to share with a "stranger", but I felt my hysterical waterworks needed an explanation.) Here is how that conversation went:

Vet: Oh, that is so great! You know, even before we started trying, I went to buy an ovulation predictor kit and started taking my temperature. Even before we had unprotected sex!
Me: Wow
Vet: And then, since I had all the data and the predictor kit, we conceived the very first time we tried!
Me: {Cringing at the thought}

I guess, just as infertility is such a closely-kept part of our lives, it remains that way during pregnancy. I am pretty sure you can't (shouldn't?) share your struggle history with everyone who congratulates you, and maybe at this point when you have overcome it, you shouldn't be constantly dredging it up to damper people's reactions. But it is so much a part of me that I feel like dredging it up- saying look, this wasn't easy, and I don't want to be a part of the myth that having a baby is as easy as the decision to try.

I feel like I need to order an I-survived-Infertility maternity tshirt and wear it in public all the time. Maybe that would save me any explanations- or probably not in some cases! But at least I wouldn't feel like a phony.

Acupuncture Woes

I love(d) going to acupuncture. Although my pulses never really improved (as far as my practitioner could tell), it was one of the au naturel things I had been doing for 4 months before our precious miracle came to be. It is so relaxing, and I have full faith that it was doing good things within my body.

But now that I have to make sure that this little guy/girl stays bubble wrapped and safe inside, I couldn't make up my mind about continuing with acupuncture.

I fully believe that it moves energy around your body and increases circulation here and there and gets rid of blockages. And this is why it (now) makes me nervous.

Right now, my body is at a new steady state that is, from all indications so far, supporting a healthy baby. I worry that if we go poking meridian points that something of my steady state will get off and the baby won't like it.

I have no doubt that my acupuncturist is well-trained and knowledgeable about points that are definitely to be avoided during pregnancy. But what if there are unintended consequences of a supposedly-benign point? From what I have read, some practitioners prefer to treat after the first trimester is over or not until the third one.

I talked with my acupuncturist about this early last week, and she assured me that it is fine for women to receive acupuncture their whole pregnancy; there are points to relieve morning sickness and other uncomfortableness, and there is even a happy/beautiful baby point that supposedly assures you that your child will be the next poster baby for Gap.

I asked her if we could just do ear points, which are less systemic than body points. She didn't seem to think that body points were all bad, so we settled on a treatment plan (for last Thursday) that included the finest needles and relatively few points.

And then Banana decided to eat my vitamins.

So in all the craziness of trying to deal with her first day on fluids, and trying to see where she would go overnight, I canceled my acupuncture appointment last Thursday afternoon. I explained why in my message to her, but I never heard back. Yesterday, I emailed her with the gory details of Banana's continued hospitalization (at this point, I'm just hoping we can pick her up after our u/s on Thursday morning). My acupuncturist emailed me back a short "thanks for the update."

I am somewhat worried that she thinks I am making this doggie catastrophe up, or that I am exaggerating the circumstances. Because how "convenient" would it be for me to have "something" come up when she knows I was nervous about being needled while pregnant.

Blah. I am even back to wondering if I even want to go during the first trimester. Am I being too cautious?

PS. Thank you to whoever submitted our happy news to LFCA! Or however they found out! :)

Life Changing: There are two lines this time

Yes, you read that correctly.

I took a test this morning, and there are two lines. For the first time in 3+ years of trying. I am still kind of speechless.

Back in October, I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine (are you still reading, SG?), and through our discussion, I came to read Isaiah 66:14. I thought it was such a perfect verse, and I knew I wanted to memorize it so that I could pray first thing whenever I found that we were going to be expecting a baby. Here is what it says:

You shall see,
Your heart will rejoice,
Your body will flourish like the grass,
And all shall know that the hand of the Lord is upon His servants.

So I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to my work computer monitor. Every day since then, I've repeated those words and imagined praying them after getting a positive test. Many days, it seemed like that day would never get here.

This morning, I got that opportunity. I couldn't even do anything else. I sat on the edge of the tub, holding the positive test, tears in my eyes, and praying thanksgivings and repeating this verse.

I went to get the Harley baby pj's that I bought probably 4 years ago, and I woke up a groggy Mr. A to tell him the news. Even in our sleepiness, the excitement was evident and the pups came running upstairs with their tails wagging!! It was very cute. It is a moment I will never forget.

I am going to get some blood drawn for HCG and progesterone, but I am having some symptoms (bb tenderness, some tiredness, headaches if I don't drink enough water), and I am trusting my body to know what to do. I think I am going to order the circle+bloom pregnancy series soon! I loved their natural cycle program!!

It is very surreal to be here. After all the meds, all the procedures, and all the tests that failed last year, here we are, having taken nary a medication since October. We have done nothing for the last three months but eat healthy (natural & organic), take vitamins (wheatgrass, royal jelly, vitamin D3, CoQ10, and prenatal), focus on being happy (yoga, meditation) with what we have (and not pine for what we don't), and go to acupuncture. And somehow, our miracle is here. The old fashioned way. Our precious baby is due on October 4!

We are praying like crazy that our baby is happy and healthy and that we will have a happy and healthy full-term pregnancy.

I have so many reflections. On pregnancy after infertility. On this timing. On what to do with telling my college friends. On how it feels to cry happy tears in church.

I know that I have a few new readers and that I'm new to reading several of you, and I know everybody says this, but I hope you will still stop by, but I understand if it's too much sometimes. I will document my pregnancy just as I have documented my infertility, not with surveys and objectivity, but with sensitivity, longing, and spirituality. I want to try to add another page with any questions I have that specifically relate to babies/pregnancy. I will still do Food on Friday, and I will still talk about our pups.

As Whitney graciously commented recently, one thing I love about my blog (title especially), is that I try to emphasize that this is all a journey. I think it will be applicable to almost any stage of my life, and I fully imagine I will be full of infertility-related reflections during this new leg of my life's journey.

One of my best friends just triggered for her first femera cycle. I texted her first thing!! She has said over and over that our positive test has given her so much hope. That is what I pray for all my readers. I hope that in whatever stage of infertility (or life, in general) you are in, our journey- our "all the way"- will give you hope that all of your heartache will be redeemed someday!!!

A glow? Already?

Yesterday, when I showed up to acupuncture, the first thing she says to me is "wow, you have a glow about you today!!"

I am thinking, What? A glow? I could only possibly be a few days past ovulation and I already have a (pregnant) glow? How can this be? That is so nice of her to notice! I had no idea the glow started so soon!

HAAAAAA.

Who knows where this "glow" is coming from, maybe it's from seeing another Parents magazine that showed up in my mailbox yesterday!!! Honestly people, I promise I don't have a subscription!!

Or maybe it's from my new face soap or morning yoga or eating organic or the brisk morning walks when it is 10F outside (brr). Goodness knows it couldn't be from a pregnancy. That would be too normal! Stuff like that doesn't happen to me!

I decided to buy the Circle + Bloom meditation series, and I have been listening to my certain day's meditation each morning. It is very relaxing, and kind of neat to really picture what is (could be) happening right now with any hypothetical fertilized eggie. What strikes me, though, is how much focus they do on relaxing. Almost like playing into the stereotype that all it takes is relaxing to conceive... I know that stress does cause your body to go into a defense mode that is perhaps not totally conducive to conceiving, but it is interesting that so much of the meditations are focused on relaxing.

But I guess that is the point of meditation, huh? I really do like the program (they have one for IVF/IUI, too), though. If you are looking for a way to balance relaxing (what everyone tells you to do) and the stress of trying to conceive, I'd totally recommend it. Right now my fertilized eggie is cruising down a totally open fallopian tube! Go baby, go!

Maybe if you relax, you will have a glow, too ;-)

Yup

Thanks for all your encouraging comments on my post yesterday! It is good to know that we weren't off base being floored by the quoted homestudy cost.

Because of all your helpful suggestions, I did email the agency and ask if we had to use their satellite office here to do the homestudy. They said if we want to be a part of their program, then yes indeedy, we have to use them. (And I did listen to the fateful message from Monday afternoon, and unless I am again hallucinating, she says very clearly that the cost is $5k. Crazy!) If we want to just sign up with their most preferred clinic (in TN), then the homestudy can be with whomever we want.

Well, if we are just going to sign up with a clinic, we'll sign up with the one 45 minutes from here, not 5 hours from here, thankyouverymuch. Not to mention, our clinic doesn't require a homestudy at all.

And last night, while chowing down on homemade enchiladas from this cookbook, we talked about other stuff, like if we have enough wood left for the rest of the winter (crap, we don't think so) and how the dogs were good pups yesterday (no one tried to eat anything contraband) and how we think it is funny that our financial advisor's annual meeting is at the Golden Corral (HA!!!) and what is going on with our jobs.

But I think here is my suggestion to us: I will go and get established at the clinic close to here and put our names up for any embies that become donated. (My RE and this clinic share the same lab, so they already have access to my file, so I'm hoping the "establishment" will be fairly seamless.) In the meantime, we will begin saving for a potentially big family-expanding bill. If there are embryos that come up for donation, we can decide whether or not to adopt them at that point. If it comes to the time where we have enough saved for the shared risk IVF, then we will go with that. Of course, we will still enter into IVF with the utmost respect for any life that God decides to create during the cycle.

I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time ;-)

Yoga this morning and acupuncture this afternoon- should be a good day!

Another "why I hate IF"

As you know, I got my period last week. It was brighter red than normal, and at the end, it was still pink spotting instead of brownish. I considered these to be improvements thanks to acupuncture.

This week (Monday, yesterday, and today), I have been so nauseous in the morning that I have literally had to put up an away message for work and lay down with saltines and club soda on the couch for a few minutes. I mean seriously, if I had tested positive on Christmas Eve, I would have expected to start feeling sick about now (6w), and here I am.

Except I didn't test positive, and I was using pads last week!!

But thanks to dang IF, here I lay, clutching my club soda, feeling like I'm going to throw up, and googling "period while pregnant". It's a sad state of affairs. (Dammit if there aren't people who do get their period while they are pregnant!!)

Mr. A thinks I should take a test. I'm pretty sure if it's positive, pigs will fly by my window and it will be a cold day in hell.

I haven't really changed any morning routine- I have been taking my royal jelly with a small amount of juice this week, but I had been doing that before.. I did take a break from that while my family was here, so maybe my body is just getting re-used to it? I am drinking a different kind of juice...

Wake me up when this is over!!

Reflections (v. 2.0)

Last year, I wrote a post reflecting on 2009. So I have been thinking about 2010 and what I'll write about it.

As I look back on it, I think 2010 was mostly not a good year. Meaning, at least 50% of my memories and thoughts about it are negative. Of course there are good things like our marriage and our pups and starting acupuncture and eating organic/natural, but other than that, things were pretty crappy. You can review the list of crap here. And even things like my grossly inconsiderate fertile friends added to the bog.

So, sorry, 2010. When I look back on you, I think of disappointment, failure, sadness, abandonment, and deflated hope.

But unlike my projections about 2010, my projections about 2011 do not contain any rosy cheeked baby next Christmas. I think it is cliche and unrealistic for me to sit here and say "I think we will have a baby next Christmas" because that is what I said last year and obviously it didn't do me any good. Except maybe it makes me face the fact that it will probably never happen for us.

As much as I honestly am not including any baby in my 2011 expectations, I sort of chuckle when I think of it because it is like a big cosmic reverse psychology session that I sit here and think that this year I'm not even going to dream of a child because that is what I did last year and look where it got me.

Luckily, even though I have given up hope that any sort of baby will be born to us this year, I don't picture 2011 to be the same as 2010 in the sadness capacity. Mostly because all of the sadness (my grandfather's death notwithstanding) came from infertility treatments and expectations, and this year we have none. So, without the expectation that something is going to work, you don't have much fall when it doesn't. (Stay tuned for a potential big contradiction to this statement.) In this way, even if we are still childless this time next year, at least we didn't expect anything different.

Maybe this is not a very faithful way to look at things- after all, we aren't supposed to give up hoping. But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true.

I don't really think anything big is going to happen for us in 2011. I think we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food, and falling asleep at 9:15pm. I think in the eyes of most people, we will be kind of boring. And I think in the eyes of society, we will be less than a family.

But I think 2011 will be a good year. And I'm not trying to be vague just so next year at this time I won't be proven wrong again. I have high hopes for it in every way except for expanding our family.

I have a theme for 2011, but I will wait until 1/1 to announce it. Excuse my french, in advance ;-)

Coming together

Well, all our gifts are wrapped (except Bert's and Banana's, what is the point?), all my errands have been run, all I have left to do is bake cinnamon rolls for the neighbors and clean up the house and make up the beds. YAY.

My sister and I talked on Sunday night, and I think she honestly didn't realize how much I was looking forward to Hangoutapalooza 2010. She clearly doesn't read this blog ;-) I still don't think they will stay (her lame excuse is that they "wanted to avoid packing a bag"...well excuse me if the entire rest of your family is staying together 30 minutes away and it is too much of an inconvenience to pack 3 changes of clothes!!!), but my parents are staying less days than we thought they were, so there is actually not that many other dinner opportunities, so I think I will be able to host those and the fun afterwards.

After all, I just bought a case from the winery down the road (4 Traminette's for you, B! Haha). Lord knows I'm not supposed to have that much alcohol!

I had a wonderful acupuncture session today, and my practitioner made all her clients rose quarts bracelets! I feel very at peace right now, and excited about my day of baking and straightening up tomorrow. There is a chance my parents will arrive late tomorrow night, which I think would be cool because the first thing they will see is the blue lights in honor of grandpa...

And speaking of grandpa, please keep grandma in your prayers. She is feeling very depressed and lonely this Christmas. It is easy for me to say "well, he is looking down upon us and smiling", but I know those words might be hollow if it were me who just lost my husband of sixty years.

As for this cycle, I am in denial that I am almost at the of the 2ww. Seriously. It would be so perfect for things to turn out differently, but they never do. I am fully expecting to start on Friday morning and to never have an empty glass the rest of the weekend. I have a hard time thinking that God is going to allow me to experience such a sense of failure when the rest of the church is filled with other people's accomplishments.

Will keep you posted! I've been wanting to take pictures, but we just got a new camera and I haven't plugged it into our computer to get the photos off yet. Hopefully soon!

Christmas is Coming...

I am The goose is getting fat.... Haha :) That is an old carol, but a fun one!

I have been so busy the last few days. It is a good busy, but I decided next year that I just want to take the last three weeks of December off of work so I don't have to worry about making up hours I spend doing errands. It would just be easier that way ;-)

I bought most of our food this morning after a nice breakfast with my sister at Whol.e Foods. We bought some of their natural italian sausages, and they smelled SO GOOD. I can't wait to make them!! I do have to get Mr. A to take me to the farm tomorrow (Saturday), because they didn't plow their driveway/road, and I was afraid of getting stuck in the cow field. Not that 4 inches is alot, but it felt slippery. I know, I'm a rookie!!

We are also pretty close to being done with shopping for gifts with family and friends. I have decided this year to make cinnamon rolls for gifts for our neighbors. I'm excited! I hope they like them :) We certainly do!!

I think in some ways all this busy-ness has been a really good diversion from all things 2ww. My mantra this time has been "I am healthy and ready to carry this child." It has actually been pretty calming along with some Qigong breathing techniques my acupuncturist taught me. Who knows if there is a "this child", but I want to have a positive mindset. I feel a sense of peace that I am doing just what I should be by excitedly getting ready to play Christmas hostess. I would love nothing more than to have to refuse our Bailey's coffee on Christmas morning, but I fully expect to be able to drink a batch on my own.

(All of this being said, if we are pregnant this time, the due date would be Sept 2. This baby could be born on August 27- a very special day for me, and also the date of my grandpa's passing. I can't lie and say this isn't in the furthest back point of my mind. Of course I calculate my due date every single month (it's a sickness), but this is different somehow. I don't know. I'm sure a due date of October 2 would be just as lovely.)

The only Christmas card I've received from my college friends is from my superstar fertile friend. (And, it was a normal card with a family 4x6 inside. Love this combination, if you must include a picture.) On the one hand, I assume I'm being excluded and I don't think it's any coincidence that this year 63% of them are either expecting or have babies, and that ever since I told them of our struggle, they've mostly been silent. On the other hand, maybe with kids, it is hard to get the cards out. Ho hum.

Except that I didn't send cards to all of them either. *Gasp!* According to one of my friends, that makes me the one pushing them away. But the way I look at it, this is a two way street. I just told "you" (my supposed friend) that I am having an awful struggle, and you don't do anything. In my book, you are not exactly holding up your end of the deal. So don't cry to me that I'm the one pushing you away and not sending you a Christmas card.

*anyway*

All in all, things have been good lately. It is refreshing to see Bert bounding around in the snow, having peppermint tea after dinner, and loading up the wood stove just before I fall asleep watching the flames through the glass. It is exciting to do things around the house in anticipation of my family coming. It is humbling to think of what we actually celebrate at Christmas. May that be the thing that sticks in our heart this Christmas, no matter how much we feel our life is falling apart. I bet Mary and Joseph felt pretty out of their element and lost when they were trying to comprehend the road before them as parents of God's Son.

Possibly

I may see some Christmas spirit peeking into the window.

I had a great acupuncture session yesterday. She said my lower abdomen is warm, which is an improvement in itself because most of the time it is coldish and she uses a burnt herb to add some heat. She did some new points around the bottom of my rib cage, in addition to the normal kidney and liver and spleen ones. I also asked her to do the one on the top of my head which is to lift the spirit. Goodness knows my spirit has been glued to the floor lately.

Since I am not temping or using my monitor, I have no idea when/if I ovulated already- I had some bloating and some crampy feelings on Tuesday night, but that was only CD12, which makes today CD15- and in nonmedicated cycles, I've usually ovulated by now. But who knows. We've actually covered our bases pretty well, without even "knowing" I think. But it is nice to just feel in the moment and go with it, without having that moment forced because you got a peak on your monitor that morning.

Up until yesterday, I was 70% sure this would be kind of a sad Christmas (hostessing issues notwithstanding). Now I am only 20% sure. That is progress, people!!!

I have finally made my list (of things to do each day from now till the 21st! Yes, I am type A), and I am finally looking forward to going out shopping for people. I feel like I have some energy to devote to this season, which is more than I can say for the time up until now.

This season has been pretty dark and lonely and disappointing so far. And what's worse is that I feel that alot of you all are experiencing the same darkness as me. I hope that we have alot of light coming, and that right now is like what they say that it's the darkest right before the sun rises (I think, because the moon has also "set", so there is no light at all?).

Here's the song in my heart today. I still feel unsure, wary, and a little bummed, but I can possibly see a light at the end of this tunnel:

Ironic, on so many levels

I ordered two books recently- The Fertility Diet and The Infertility Cure.

They came yesterday, and I set them in my chair to read after dinner.

After working for several minutes, I noticed Bert was noticeably quiet. Turns out, he was EATING The Fertility Diet!! Haaaaa!!!

Of course, I didn't think it was funny at the time.

I think it is hilariously ironic now. A dog, EATING a book about a diet? The fact that I even got a book about diets? The idea that any specific combination of food will magically land a baby in my belly?

And, if the cosmos is at all involved, I feel a sort of relief that Bert chose to eat the Fertility Diet one and not the Infertility Cure (chinese medicine concepts), because if I am honest, I believe that chinese medicine practices will go way further in getting us on the right track (physically) to having a healthy child.

After a cursory review of both, it seems that The Fertility Diet is in contrast to the Infertility Cure, at least in that the former encourages at least one serving of full fat dairy per day, while for most chinese medicine diagnoses, dairy is discouraged.

I did, however, read most of the Infertility Cure last night, and I am very on board. I am taking it with me to acupuncture this afternoon, because I want my practitioner to look at some of the points they recommend and to ask her some other questions. She is good, but I don't really think she has alot (if any) other experience with infertility, and the book is actually pretty specific about acupuncture/pressure points!!

The author of the book says that she has close to a 75% success rate. SEVENTY FIVE?!?!?!? She gives success stories at the end of every chapter, and almost everyone she writes about conceives within 4 months. It's hard not to conclude that it will happen to me like that. But I will just keep trying to get ourselves as healthy as possible, and maybe a baby will want to snuggle in to our cozy place soon.

Let's raise our glasses of wheatgrass goop, and have a toast to all the crap we put ourselves through for the chance at motherhood...

Has it come to this?

(I interrupt Food on Friday with more about the pregnancy (un)announcement. Check for a recipe this weekend!)

Mr. A and I had a pretty "lively" discussion last night given the most recent pregnancy "un"-announcement- "un" because she still hasn't told me. Here are some highlights:

Mr. A is focused on very good things we do have instead of the huge thing that we don't have. He cannot for the life of him understand what it means when I say that I'm happy for {whoever} that they're pregnant, but I'm sad for me. Why do I have to be sad for me, he wonders? We have a nice home, good savings, stable jobs, two great dogs, etc etc etc. I am very thankful for those things and for his constant reminder to put those things ahead of what we might not have.

He says he's going to make a recording for me to play that says "It is going to be alright. We can be happy anyways without kids." because he's tired of saying it over and over with apparent lack of results in my response.

He has been convincing himself for the last couple of years that it probably isn't going to happen (even though he also says that if it's going to happen, it will happen whenever it's supposed to) and he is to the point where he has accepted that and is ready to move on. I am definitely not there yet, but how many more years can I torture myself with the idea that it's possible?? I have started to curtail myself from saying things like "when we will wait for the bus with our kid..." or "what if our kid gets into trouble at school...." or "that's the baby's room..." because I feel like I'm just teasing myself with those kinds of thoughts now.

I have not finished grieving the idea of our biological child, so I don't feel ready to move to adoption. Mr. A thinks that the whole adoption process is plunking down a suitcase of $100's, and saying "call us when you get a baby". I have tried to tell him about all the work and emotional exploration involved and that it isn't an easy road either, and I am not ready to move to adoption until he is fully on board with all that we'll have to go through if we choose adoption. Not to mention, our families are not exactly open to adoption right now, either...

I feel in my heart that I should just keep in touch with my (college) friends who (are) have been supportive, but I don't want to be accused of pushing people away who haven't been (one of them has already pretty much admonished me for this), even though I feel like they don't want to include me in their lives anymore. It makes me so sad that I used to totally belong with them and now I don't.

I still place most, if not all, of the blame of infertility on myself. Maybe it was the training 3+ years ago for the 2 marathons, 3 half marathons, and other distance races that messed up my hormone levels. Maybe it was my unworthy behavior in college or my wavering confidence that God really is going to give us a family. I worry that I miss too many Sunday's at church. At the same time, I know in my head that if God gave out babies on the merit system, drug addicts wouldn't have 7 kids each. But also at the same time, I have to hope that God is pleased with how I try to live my life, and what about all that rewarding the faithful stuff in the Bible??

Especially after that letter about the mama-jama fertility drugs, we are not feeling like we have the emotional energy for another run through the ART gauntlet, much less that it would be a good use/safe risk of our finances. So that leaves us with doing nothing acupuncture. And wheatgrass. Still gulping the wheatgrass.

So anyway, long story short, maybe I should call the christian counseling place here for an appointment. I think Mr. A is growing weary of being the only sounding board, especially because even though he says {mostly} the right things, I don't think he sees enough of a change in me to be confident that he's making a difference (although of course he is). Because I think I'm to the point where I am just about to my limit of dealing with this crap, and it might be helpful to get some guidance on how to go from here.

I know a few of you have gone to at least a few sessions, and I'd love to hear your feedback on your session (did it help?), and suggestions about how to prepare myself for this huge admittance that I might not be dealing with this struggle as well as I think I am.

But really, I think I do a pretty good job of dealing with IF day to day, any other day except pregnancy (un)announcement days. Is that so unforgiveable?

PS. I have to get a preapproval from the mental health section of my insurance!! Is this going to be a huge red flag on my record if I do this?! Maybe I can just talk to my pastor...

Edited to Add: Mr. A is super ultimate amazingly supportive. He totally knows my longing for a baby, and when he says things like, "but look at what we have been blessed with", he does not mean to diminish my (or his) longing for a child. It's just his way of dealing with it- focus on the good not the bad. I think it is an excellent way to approach the things we feel we are missing in our lives, but I have not found it as "easy" as it appears to have been for him to really focus on those things, and not just "say" that.

We are both very honest with each other about everything, including our mutual lack of peace with adoption right now, and we respect each other's positions and reasons. And we did attend an info session in early 2008 that left us both very disappointed (I know every agency is different).

I just hope I didn't paint a picture like he just sits on the couch and says "get over it" when I am struggling with an (un)announcement. He is amazing, and I am so thankful for how he has led our family of 2 in the last 3 years of this struggle. I hope God will allow me the chance to make him a dad- he will be a great one!

Insult to Injury

We are thoroughly enjoying our break from modern medicine. But the other day when I got a letter from my insurance company about my past prescriptions, I was sick to my stomach.

Essentially, starting in January, all fertility meds will require prior approval "for females under 50". (Should I just wait until I am 50 to try IVF again? Hahaha) Even clomid and progesterone! But the list includes all the big guns, too, like follistim, ganirelix, PIO, novarel, etc. AND, supposedly approval will be given unless the drugs are taken in conjunction with ART. Okay, who is going to be taking ganirelix in a normal cycle?!

I always considered myself very lucky to have had these meds covered for relative pennies compared to what they cost, so I probably have nothing to complain about, but I just think it is awful of the insurance companies. You (insurance) don't even pretend to cover IVF or IUI, and now you can't even throw us a bone and cover the meds?!?! Is this what happens when the government runs healthcare- every living thing has coverage, but that's because the poor helpless infertility patients are getting even more of the short end of the stick than ever?!?! Way to go, keep on covering people with 8 kids and no job, but make sure you give a big "screw you" to people who work 3 jobs to try to finance a shot at having ONE child.

I feel very thankful that we had coverage when we did, and that we went through all of the medical interventions when we did. I feel validated that what we are doing now (au naturale) is what we're supposed to be doing, given this change of situation. But it is totally kicking infertility patients while they are down. We are not even considering any other meds for the forseeable future, but this hurts almost as much as if we were in the thick of things. Don't infertile people have enough heartache?!

Very Pleased

At CD3, the cramps and discomfort I've had this time around have been honestly minimal. Like I have barely felt like I am even having my period! I am very pleased with this, and I think it is a huge encouragement that doing acupuncture/healthy eating is going to allow my body to go leaps and bounds towards pregnancy.

I have never read The Infertility Cure- what do you think of that book, those of you who've read it?

It's based on Chinese Medicine, and although I'm not sure I'm up for a very regimented diet, I'm intrigued as to the other dietary/lifestyle changes that it might recommend.

If you can believe it, today at the pregnancy center, I had a couple where the girl wanted the test to be -, and the guy wanted it to be +. It was -, and let me just tell you it is really weird to sit across from someone two weeks in a row who is so disappointed at the - result and feel like you're looking in a mirror. My heart went out to the poor husband, and I know that Mr. A had felt the same way so many times. It was just another opportunity to share my/our story, though (abbreviated version of course- they don't have all day! ha!), and to share my belief that God will bring something good out of this disappointment!!!

Other than the slight hysteria (Mr. A would not agree it was slight) I experienced upon seeing a 4x4 pulling a hayride of 25 kids under 7 through our neighborhood last night, I am very pleased with how things are going today. It's about time I felt like something is right!!

Bright and Early

I woke up this morning to a new cycle, without any cramps, bright, and early. I was expecting to start this weekend, but I was surprised in that I have been having some pre-AF cramps in previous cycles, and I had no such discomfort when I woke up. I'm hoping that acupuncture and some healthier eating has helped encourage healthier bloodflow, which from my understanding, reduces cramps because cramps can be a sign of blood flow interruption...and the cramps come from your body trying really hard to get things flowing again.

And, while I am enjoying my heating pad right now, the cramps that have developed are very very mild, and if it wasn't that Mr. A made an amazingly cozy fire this morning in our wood stove and that we are (all four of us) taking a family mid-morning nap in front of the stove (well I am not sleeping, but this is relaxing for me!), I would be out doing errands instead of kicking back in the recliner. Mornings like this are too good to pass up.

Like I told my acupuncturist yesterday before an AMAZING session, I am really looking forward to embracing the chinese medicine approach to getting my body in good shape (but I am equally scared to leave modern medicine behind). She taught me some Qigong moves to strengthen my kidney energy, and I am looking forward to practicing them. From my pulses, my kidney energy is low, and in chinese medicine, that is the energy that governs reproductive systems. Need to get that in good working order!!! Here are some things I am doing to help the energy:

-Practicing my bear Qigong moves, with the focused purpose of increasing my kidney strength and energy
-Eating more beans, especially kidney-shaped ones, and nuts, such as walnuts
-Continuing to drink room temperature/warm water
-Upping my wheatgrass drink to twice a day- wheatgrass enhances the blood
-Adding some seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, chia) as snacks
-Remaining committed to a low-level of sugar in my diet, and continue eating organic meats/veggies/grains
-Going to bed by 10:15, so that I can get good, restful sleep (I have to set my phone alarm for this one- we often fall asleep in the family room with the TV on, but this does not lend itself to restful sleep, as your mind/body is not fully at rest when the TV is flashing and making noise, etc.)
-Applying vetiver oil to a cotton ball for imparting a grouding scent to areas I spend alot of time in
-Increasing the time I spend in reflection/prayer, to try to make my day as peaceful as possible

I hope these things will make a positive difference!!

Looking Back

This here is post #300.

At this point, I've been blogging enough to start to look back on our year of pretty intense treatments. A year ago today, I was praying for a BFP from our first follistim cycle, and a year ago tomorrow, God told me no not yet, again. Don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm supposed to test on Wednesday, the 2-month anniversary of my Grandpa's passing away. I say "supposed to" because I'll only be 14dpo, and I've held off testing till 15dpo the past cycles. But I have this fantasy that I'll get a BFP and have an amazing heavenly high-five from my beloved Grandpa. We'll see if I get the courage to test on Wednesday... If not, Thursday is my sister's birthday, so I could always have fun telling her she's an aunt on her birthday. Oh yah, and if we're pregnant, the due date would be between my birthday and our anniversary. And finally, I could tell my mom in person when we go up to visit my other sister in 2 weeks. I maintain that this is torture!!

I can't believe we did all we did in the last year. And I can't believe that today, we are planning on not doing any more treatments (even clomid) for an indefinite amount of time. I'm going to continue acupuncture, we're going to continue eating organic/natural, and just see what happens.

But I can believe it, really. I always said (in the treatment trenches) that all the meds, appointments, hopes, and despairs didn't really seem to affect us that much, but looking back, it really had more of an impact that we were willing to grant it. It's kind of awful how it is SO subconscious that sometimes you aren't even aware of how the toll of IF is changing your life. Although I am scared about not doing any more meds/treatments (how will we ever conceive without meds if the super ones didn't even work?), that is what gives us peace right now. So that is what we'll do.

While all my fertile friends* look back on last year and count all the baby milestones that have happened in their house, the things that I can name are associated with acronyms, insurance coverages, and pharmacy and hospital bills. I suppose for the sake of full disclosure there are some other things, too- like getting Bert, and.... well I need to rack my brain for some more... does staying married in the midst of this struggle of our lives count?

I can only hope and pray that NEXT October, we will be looking back on a year of a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a happy family (FINALLY). If not, I don't know if I'll be able to handle looking back anymore- may have to settle for looking "forward " to a life in a family of 2.

*Update on telling my friends about our journey: 5 of the 7 girls have been moderately-to-generally supportive. 2 I have not heard a peep from. One of those had a baby boy sometime this or last month (okay fine so she is "busy")- I have no idea when because she only announced on facebook, and I'm one of the only ones of my generation who thinks facebook is creepy. She never told me (she knows I'm not on facebook), and even after I had emailed her congratulations (which took alot for me to muster), she recently sent out an email update (guess she has time for that after all) about her new baby (#2, of course), and did not include me on the update. I guess I need to clarify with them that I already feel 95% left out of what is going on with them, and if they start leaving me totally out of the loop, well, I'll feel 100% left out!!! I have some emotionally fair days when I can handle reading your baby updates, people!!!

PS. Did anyone else see this on FOX News' site this morning. GUESS WHAT, FOX!! If you need fertility treatments to conceive, you're not fertile!!! Stop the insanity!!! (Celine Dion is their #1 "Fertile after 40" celebrity!!!)

All systems GO

To be honest, the last thing I feel good about doing is posting about my (very good) ultrasound this morning, after reading the heartbreaking news that Al lost another precious little one. Please go over and leave her a hug, if you haven't already...

But in the interest of documentation, it was a very good ultrasound for me this morning. If you can believe it, I already have 2 lead follicles and several other smaller ones! I start follistim 350iu tonight, and my RE (and I) are hoping that the smaller ones catch up soon. I think they will- I have a great feeling about this cycle!! I'll have another ultrasound Saturday morning because he doesn't want to start the Ganirelix too late and have me start surging on my own.

(Oh yah, I added a "pages" widget on my sidebar and put all the detailed cycle info on its own page...it was getting too wordy for just the sidebar!)

AND, I asked him for the PIO, and he said he'd have my nurse call in the prescription for it. The nurse told me like 3 times that the shot is thick, but you know what, I'm pretty sure it will hurt when I have to labor with this baby, so I think I can handle another injection. But I appreciate her concern!! For once!! Hahahahahaha :)

And I went to acupuncture after going to get the ingredients for some homemade granola! We are taking eating "whole" seriously around here! And that gal's blog is my new favorite thing to read- talk about oatmeal inspiration for me! I just started adding a teaspoon of our favorite organic strawberry and rhubarb jam to my oatmeal, and it is like heaven!!

Acupuncture was excellent, as usual!! I was picturing my small baby follicles getting ready to receive the follistim tonight!!

In the course of the last week or so, I have shared our struggle with a couple friends for the first time. It is so comforting to have fresh, new, and devoted prayer partners (in addition to you, long-hauler's!)! I am feeling so much more positively about this cycle, it's kind of amazing. And very cool. Let's hope it stays what way! Please, Lord!