Bee Bop

Well, baby girl was working out or dancing or something this morning! Her heartrate was in the 160's! My appointment time was 11:15, and I didn't get called back until almost a half hour later, and I could feel her squirming around the whole time. That feeling will never get old, that is for sure.

I was kind of hesitant to hop on the scale this time, but I was pleasantly surprised- no weight gain in the last 3 weeks! Yay!! I have changed my diet some to generally follow some glucose intolerance suggestions (since I failed both the 1-hr glucose test and the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr test), so maybe I have been eating slightly less and/or more balanced meals. Either way, I am happy to be at +19lbs at 33w3d. I do feel like my belly has grown, though, so it would seem that baby girl is still getting what she needs!

When the tech checked my blood pressure it was 146/82 (gulp). I knew that was highish, but she didn't say anything about it. She took the hospital pre-registration form that I'd brought with me- holy moley, are we really pre-registered in the birthing suite?!?!?!

My belly measures exactly on target, and baby girl is head down and pretty low, so midwife thinks she will probably be head down for the duration. So happy about this! We do some deep squats in yoga that really encourage babies to move down, and so you aren't really supposed to do them if the baby is breech. So I was very interested to confirm that she is head down- I thought she might be, but it was nice to hear it this morning.

Like I mentioned above, she was moving all around so her heartrate was up, but it didn't seem like the midwife thought that was a problem of any kind. I am sure that baby girl will take a nice long nap later on and then I will want her to be moving around again!!

My midwife said she wanted to recheck my blood pressure, so I laid on my side.... 122/68! Such a relief!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and then I start going every WEEK. That is just unbelievable. I am so grateful to be here- I have loved being pregnant, and as much as I want to meet our baby, I can't wait to be pregnant again! Haha :)

And I just have to say that I love our dogs. There is some random guy doing door-to-door sales right now in our neighborhood (I saw his car yesterday, and it peaked my interest because the county on the license plate is from my hometown, like a 9 hour drive from here....weeeeeeeeeird), and they just went crazy (inside) when he came to our door. Of course I went and looked out the window on the side of the door and waved him away (while they were both barking and jumping and standing on their hind legs- there is no doubt that there are dogs here who will stand up for their fort!); I had to get a look at him so I can describe him to police....because of course those people always creep me out- and to add insult to injury, I caught him glancing in my car windows on his way down our driveway. Move along, creepo! I have two dogs that would love to defend their pregnant mama and their home turf!

Prayer Requests

Thank you all for your amazing support on my last post! I'm feeling much better :) I'm loosely following the GD requirements/diet suggestions (even if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill), and so far so good. :) I also do think (even if it's just me rationalizing with myself) that baby girl had a growth spurt recently- she definitely feels longer/bigger these days when she is moving around and kicking and punching! So (maybe) that explains the extra weight last week or something.

If you have time in your prayer time today, maybe you could add the following ones to your list:

-My dear friend K is 16dpiui today and will test and/or go for a beta tomorrow. She has had some teeny spotting here and there, which is discouraging, but alot of her other symptoms seem very encouraging (some are very similar to mine at that point). Please storm heaven that there is a baby K along for the ride!!!

-Due to recent developments, there may be a big change for Mr. A coming up soon (in addition to the obvious baby girl). It would be sort of one of those "leaps of faith" where decisions are made based on the good of the person/family and not necessarily what looks best on paper. Please keep us in your prayers as we discern what is best for our family, especially with the upcoming arrival of baby girl!!

Emotional

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. And unfortunately, this morning was tough, too. I'm hoping today will only get better.

I had a midwife appointment first thing yesterday morning.

-Good news is that my blood pressure was the best it's been in a long time :) Yay! (Not that it was ever bad, but it was just better this time..)
-Medium news is that I technically passed my 3-hr glucose test (yay!), with the caveat that I still failed the 1-hr draw (but I passed the fasting, 2-hr, and 3-hr). So my midwife said while I do not have the diagnosis of GD, I have "some glucose intolerance" and "unless {I} want a big baby, {I} need to steer clear of juices, ice cream, and pies". (Yes, she really said "pies", which for some reason I think is kind of funny.)
-Bad news is that I gained 3lbs in the last 2 weeks.

Good news is good news, and I'm so grateful for it!!

Medium news is harder. I am also grateful to have technically passed, and I fully acknowledge that some providers would have just said "you passed" instead of giving me my specific numbers and pointing out that I didn't pass one of the draws. So, given another provider, it's possible that I would not be going through heartache over it. But since I know, I am just worried. I feel like I already eat pretty darn heathily- no cokes, no mounds of cookies, no daily cartons of ice cream, no white breads, etc. (I will admit to a glass of juice on the weekends and a few cookies once in a blue moon when I make them.) But I feel like I need to follow a GD diet. I don't want the baby to get too much sugar, and following a GD diet is the only thing I can think of. I asked my mom to send me the meal plan flip chart that her dietician gave her when she had GD with my brother. She is a nurse, and when I told her that I didn't pass one of the levels, her reaction was a tad more intense than I had wanted, but I should have expected as much. It is just alot to take in, trying to change what I thought was already a healthy diet.

I think I'll have tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch today. HA!... speaking of tomatoes and cucumbers......

Bad news hit hard. Especially since I don't really feel like my eating habits or quantities have changed at all, and I'm still walking 40 minutes a day and doing yoga 4-5 times a week. Lest you be worried that I am fretting about gaining weight, be not afraid! I will gain as much weight as it takes to grow this healthy baby girl without blinking an eye. But what worries me is that it is too much too fast or something, and that it isn't healthy for her, or it isn't healthy for me, and I need to be healthy to make sure she grows heathily!!! I have been pretty pleased with my weight gain over this pregnancy, but I've gained 9lbs since the middle of June (+19lbs total for the pregnancy at 31w), and it just seems like that is alot. (Although my midwife isn't concerned- of course I asked!) I also shared this frustration with my mom, and while I totally agree that honesty is the best policy, I was looking for a tad more reassurance that I wasn't turning into a blimp. She suggested that I just start eating half of the portions I've been eating. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get the recommended amount of protein and/or other nutrients for baby girl's development if I do that. I just want to be the healthiest I can for our little one, and I think good weight management will be best for us both.....

So maybe I'll have half of a cucumber and half of a tomato for lunch... hahahahaha....

But, the silver lining to the midwife appointment is that my blood pressure was great, baby girl's heartbeat sounded lovely, and my belly is measuring just right. Thank you, Lord!!

Moving on, work actually went fairly well yesterday. I walked the pups early because we had our first hospital class from 7-9pm last night. Our set of classes meets from 7-9pm seven times in August. Wow, we are going to be exhausted....

We arrived at the class, and with the exception of the high school table (okay, maybe they are in their late teens/early twenties), the other couples are around our age or maybe a little older. We received a pretty decent informational book, and Mr. A (being the written-learner that he is) sat right down and started reading through it. It's a magazine-style book, maybe 80 pages with words and figures. The presenter was good (I think she covered 1.5-2 chapters between just talking and showing a couple videos?), but she didn't hold a candle to Mr. A's need to mow through the book. I am very thankful that he was so interested in reading through the book. I know that he would have gobbled up even more technical details if they had been in there. Needless to say, he finished reading it about 3/4 of the way through the class and has declared that he now knows everything there is to know about it.

Mostly because "it's just common sense".

Now Mr. A is a very logical, common-sense type of guy. I actually do feel fairly confident that if we never read one word about labor and delivery and had to deliver our baby ourselves in the middle of a forgotten forest, we would have a successful go of it. But at 9:15pm, when he was hungry again, and we were both tired, and all he could say about the class was essentially that the other couples should just read the book and understand like he did, and that the rest of the childbirth prep classes are going to be a colossal waste of time, it was just one more heap of emotional weight on me yesterday. I admit I don't really feel like I "learned" anything last night either, but it was just alot to take in after the morning I'd had.

Although the one hilarious thing that he did glean from the presentation was that the hospital's baby warmers are directly analogous to "the heat lamps that keep the hashbrowns warm at McDonald's".. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So all in all, I went to bed totally emotionally spent. I am in awe that we are at the point where we are getting to do these things to prepare for our baby. And just like infertility, some days are rough.

This morning I didn't want to get up. I just felt so overwhelmed with the feelings of failure from yesterday. After we walked the dogs and Mr. A left for work, I sat with the pups on the couch. When I tried to tell Bert that I was having a hard morning, I seriously almost started crying. Sheesh!!! When I emailed Mr. A that I was having a bad morning, and he called to check on me, I did cry when I was trying to explain what was wrong. Surely, my yoga class would be a pick-me-up....

Except that when I got on the interstate to go to yoga, they were paving one lane, and there was a several-mile backup. Not going to make it to class 25 miles away, on time, going 3 miles an hour.... so I turned around, came home, and watched the Bac.helorette finale on hu.lu instead. (YAY JP!!)

I was supposed to have a teleconference at 1pm, but it looks like the other person has forgotten to call. That is okay with me. (Watch, he will call now.) Today can only get better!

At the end of the day, we are so thankful for this little girl. Her movements have been really awesome to feel in the last few days, and it is so cool. I tear up just thinking that she will be here in about 9 weeks, give or take. I guess this is only the beginning of some serious emotions!!

(ETA: I hope it's obvious that I am not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about how even the silliest things strike such fear of failure when you are PAIF. Like I could care less if I have to eat nothing but celery the rest of the pregnancy to cut out sugars and gain a healthy amount of weight- anything so that I don't fail at bringing this healthy baby into the world!!)

Glucose day: Update

I survived :) Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers!

It turns out my 3-hour partner was very friendly, after she woke up from her nap! She just moved here and is due in 3 weeks- apparently her previous doctor never did a glucose test! She is also preparing for an all-natural birth, so it was really nice to be able to share our preparations and things like that. We even exchanged phone numbers and hope to share rides to yoga after her baby is born, or before if she has the energy. Not really expecting to hear from her again, but who knows!!

Our nurse was newly-pregnant- due in February- and she had tried/waited for TEN YEARS. It was really neat to hear- because of course in the real world, you don't hear of us infertiles all that much. There is always an immediate connection with someone who has struggled to have a baby, that is for sure. (If you're wondering, the other gal taking the test today just forgot her birth control two days in a row....)

The nurse was great- I have one semi-good vein in my left arm, and she drew all FOUR blood samples from the same vein! I haven't taken off the cotton ball yet, so I'm not sure how bruised it is, but I was very impressed. Didn't really hurt that much at all!

My midwife appointment directly afterwards went pretty well. I gained 6 lbs in the last month (oops- I blame the stress/lack of exercise last week and all the carbs this week, ha!), but I am still pretty pleased with how I've gained so far- I think it has been pretty conservative (+16 lbs total at 28w3d), and I hope that I can continue to manage it well. Baby's heartbeat sounds strong and good, and my belly measures right on.

I found out that I failed the 1-hour glucose test by THREE points: their cutoff is 139, and my level was 142. Ha! That made me feel alot better, and they said they would be surprised if I didn't pass the 3-hour. Whew! Of course the results won't be in until next week, so we will just see, but I feel very peaceful about whatever the outcome will be.

Now I start going back for midwife appointments every 2 weeks. Is this really happening? I honestly still can't believe this is ME we're talking about here. I asked her if the hospital has any limits as far as how long they will let you labor and/or push, and she said that any decisions made during labor/pushing are made between us, the midwife, and the doctor- the hospital does not have any per se rules. That made me happy to hear- she said that they realize that sometimes first babies take longer to arrive, and that unless the baby is in distress, their policy is not to rush what is a natural process.

I arrived home just as I was starting to feel really weird/shaky from not eating since dinner last night. I have never inhaled a peanut butter sandwich and string cheese so fast in my life!! Haha :) Then me and the pups took a 2-hour nap....I love these dogs so much!

After our nap, I peeled (is that a word?) myself off the couch to run some errands, the most exciting being going to the art store to get paint for my sister to use for the murals!!!! I am so excited- she has been texting me sketches, and they are phenominal!!!! I can't wait for her to get here on Sunday :)

All in all, I am feeling totally happy today. So thankful for Mr. A, this baby, our pups, the beautiful weather, and the constant support of good friends, neighbors, and family.

2 draws down.......

At the lab kicked back in my comfy hospital recliner ... I've had the fasting draw and the 1-hour.... 2 more to go! I brought my book- halfway through Anna Karenina ... going to make a big dent in finishing it!

Results wont be in until next week...

There is another girl in here but she doesn't seem in the mood to talk and she is sleeping now. Might have been fun to chat, but at least I have my book and my phone!

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Feeling better

I really appreciate all your support and comments! After a great yoga class this morning (bourbon girl was absent), I am back to feeling confident that I will continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and little girl. Yay!!

My midwife gave me a diet to follow three days prior to my 3-hr test (on Friday morning), so I am following it from now till Thursday. It is kind of counter-intuitive (has you eat at least 7 servings of starch, 4 of fruit, and 2 of dairy per day), because I would think that I wouldn't want any sugars floating around my system before the test, but I guess if you don't eat carbs leading up to the test, your body sort of forgets to process sugars and doesn't make enough of the enzyme necessary to process the drink during the test. I kind of took it easy on carbs/sugars the day before my 1-hr... I wonder if that is why I didn't pass?!

We're getting very excited for my sister to come paint the murals in the baby's room!!! (Check out her etsy page here http://www.etsy.com/shop/brigittemarie - she has some beautiful stuff and does an amazing job with custom paintings, too!) I can't wait to show you pictures of the end result!! I know it is going to be great!

It's going to be a scorcher here today- will definitely be using the pool after work today!

I am scared of failing again

Failing the 1-hr test has really unsettled me. After having a complication-free pregnancy so far (I know, I'm very lucky), I find myself being really afraid of having GD, but also now afraid of other things. Mr. A maintains that being afraid of all these other things is illogical and a waste of energy, and it's not like I'm dwelling on them 24 hours a day, but whereas I used to think of myself as a strong, pregnant woman, now I just have visions of it all falling apart.... my body failing me just like it did while trying to conceive.

I am afraid of having GD...
I am afraid of going to my appointment this Friday and having high blood pressure.
I am afraid that I've gained too much weight in the last month.
I am afraid that I'll get vericose veins and look ugly.
I am afraid that I won't be able strong enough to have a natural birth. (Assuming there aren't any complications out of my control that require interventions.)
I am afraid that the baby will have too much sugar and have trouble after birth.
I am afraid that people will think GD is my fault.
I am afraid that GD is my fault.
I am afraid that I won't be able to regulate it with diet and will have to take insulin.
I am afraid that I will have diabetes forever.

I used to be pretty confident that I am doing and will do a great job carrying this baby, and that I am totally strong enough for natural birth, and don't worry, there is still a tiny part of me that believes that (somewhere). But if I am being honest, I just want to cry about this latest test result. I think probably when I call my nurse back this morning I might cry when scheduling the 3-hr test. I think probably I will cry at my appointment on Friday, especially if I've failed the 3-hr test, too. And I think if I pass the 3-hr, I'm still going to be afraid that I have GD and they didn't catch it.

I know it is a pretty common complication, and that most people regulate it fine with diet (including my mom and twin mama vv!), and maybe it was naive of me to have thought that since I eat a healthy diet and get good exercise every day that I wouldn't have to struggle with this. I know that most people say that there is nothing a mama can do to prevent from developing GD, but I look at the risk factors and wonder if maybe it was because I had a few extra pounds before becoming pregnant. I can't get over the fact that maybe it's my fault. What else am I going to drop the ball on?

I know that it's all extrapolation at this point, but this is where I'm at. I know it's been said on other blogs, but infertile people should be granted totally complication-free pregnancies. It is and has always been and will always be completely terrifying that things will go wrong, after all the struggle to conceive. The feeling of failing that I was so used to with infertility is back with a vengence.

But all of that being true, I am also so grateful for our baby girl. Mr. A and I were driving to get our pups from the kennel last night, and I'd forgotten the check, so we had to run back home and get one, and then head back out, and I almost teared up then, too. I remarked that I don't really need one more thing going wrong when everything else is going to crap, too.

And he goes "Oh what, the one thing that might not be completely perfect with you being pregnant with our perfect miracle baby?"

And he is so right. We are so thankful for our daughter, and that everything so far has been going great. We will deal with GD if we have to; whatever we need to do to make sure our baby arrives healthy and happy is what we will do. All things considered, this complication is a pretty benign one if treated, and I am fully aware that there are couples receiving unimaginably much more heartbreaking news than they have to keep a close eye on their sugar intake.

So yes, in the grand scheme of things, my fears are probably pretty insignificant, but in the interest of being honest, here they are. I'm trying to be a strong PAIF'er, but last week really took the wind out of me. Hopefully I can get my feet back under me soon....