Cold, etc.

Along with some great memories, I came back from spending the weekend celebrating my little brother's graduation with a stubborn cold, too.

I am never sick, and since it didn't start until I got to his state, I thought at first maybe it was allergies to something in the air there, but when my symptoms hung around well after we got home, I guess I picked a dumb cold up somewhere.

I went out and got my mom's solution to colds when we were younger: ingredients for a cocktail!! A sick-child cocktail, that is....Orange/grapefruit juice plus sprite/ginger ale. The ultimate placebo.

I also got CVS' version of Tylenol Cold, because apparently Tylenol had some big recall recently, and I went to two stores trying to find it with only empty shelves before I asked a pharmacist for an expanation. And my midwife said the CVS version was okay. I think I might have been the only one ever to call and ask if the generic version was fine to take.

I didn't really want to take any medicine, but I don't want this to balloon into anything worse than a runny nose and occasional cough. And plus, when I woke up this morning and dug out my thermometer from my temping days, it showed 99.2 at 630am, so I definitely don't want the fever to get out of control. (It was 99.6 at about 830am, but has gone back down to between 98.6 and 98.8 since then...)

After getting Mr. A off to work, I have been sleeping on the couch with Banana and Bert. Like literally, except for 15 second intervals of going to the bathroom or blowing my nose or taking a drink of my cocktail, I slept from 730am till about noon. It was even raining to complete the cozy ambiance.

And I know that chocolate frosted mini-donuts and OJ/sprite cocktail isn't exactly a balanced diet, but it is going to have to do for now. Maybe I'll cut up some carrots later this afternoon... Mr. A goes "why don't you make some chicken noodle soup?". Haha :) Oh yah, I totally feel like standing up in the kitchen to put that together....My thought is "Why don't you pick us up some chicken noodle soup for dinner from the deli?" Hahaha :)

But I think Bert has had his fill of sleeping the day away because in the last 10 minutes, he has brought me every one of his toys, as if to say, please play with me!! Hopefully he will accept me playing from the couch...

In the "etc" portion of this post, some (baby) bullets:

• Mr. A recently told me (without me asking first) that my maternity clothes are "hot" and that my little bump is so cute. SWOON.
• Thank you for the comments on my post wondering what you want to read about!!
• I added some belly pics to the ultrasound/belly link to the right -->
• I had never really thought about turning this blog into a book for our baby. That is a really neat idea.
  
• I think I am feeling the baby about once a day! It is so cool, and I am so grateful for this little one.
• We have an ultrasound on Friday morning- praying our hearts out that this baby looks completely healthy!!!
  

Some advice for y'all (updated w/ links)

Alot of you have asked me if I would recommend such-and-such that I tried while on this journey. So I thought I'd do a pre-pregnancy and while-pregnant post about what I've liked and what I could have done without. I'm not being paid in any way to recommend or not recommend anything, just so you know :) None of these supplements was specifically recommended by my doctor(s)- I just came to do research about each one and felt good about adding them to my diet.

TTC:
Fertility Drugs: BOO. (Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Vitamin D (2000iu/day): I started taking 2000iu in the fall (was taking a lower dosage before then). I definitely would recommend this supplement. A friend of mine saw a normal endocrinologist, and he told her that in the endocrine system, Vitamin D is very powerful, and he thought everyone should take 2000iu per day. The reason I started taking it was because after all our failed ART treatments, it seemed as though I just had low levels of hormones all around. Some reading I had done suggested that increasing your Vitamin D intake would help the production of hormone levels.

Prenatal Vitamin: I take Rainbow Light's Prenatal One. It is a food-based prenatal, meaning that the nutrients therein come from natural/vegetable sources. I would definitely recommend this brand.

Baby Aspirin and/or Robitussin: I took these a few cycles here and there over the last few years, and while I don't think they do you any harm, I am not convinced it helped me in any way. Since I was trying to rid my body of unnecessary chemicals, I decided since I hadn't seen "results", these ones weren't on my list of keepers.

Wheatgrass: I started with the tablets (7 per day, thank you) in July, and sometime early fall, I switched to the powder. The reasons I started taking this supplement was because it is an alkaline superfood containing great folic acid (as adults, our bodies tend towards acidity), and I hoped it would make sure the pH of the reproductive areas was optimal. Also, there are studies that say that wheatgrass improves FSH levels and/or egg quality, and given the results of our ART cycles, that is what I suspected my issue was. I will warn you, it's not the most yummy concoction (I mixed it with 8oz of juice) to choke down every day, but I felt it was definitely having a positive impact, so I would recommend it.

Acupuncture (along with "The Infertility Cure" (book)): I did acupuncture for about 3ish weeks last spring around our IVF cycle, in hopes it would help my response. Well, we all know how that went down. However, after deciding to ditch modern medicine in October and go with only natural fertility-enhancers, I returned to acupuncture, once a week. I think without all the other meds in my body, acupuncture was much more successful (for me). I definitely felt a difference in my cycles and my body/mind, and I incorporated many dietary suggestions from The Infertility Cure. I would definitely recommend acupuncture and this book.

Royal Jelly: I added this supplement in November, because it has been said to be the natural fertility drug. This is what the queen bees eat, and they drop eggs all day long. ;-) It works at the cellular level to make sure cells are as healthy as can be, so I also took this with the hopes I'd crank out some spectacular looking eggies sometime soon. I got the actual jelly form, and just like wheatgrass, eating a tsp per day was a labor of love, but I did it, and I'd recommend it to anyone! (edited to respond to Mommy-In-Waiting: yes, I read that it takes 3 months to "take effect", and it just so happens that I started in November and conceived in January....!)

CoQ10: I added this in January because this supplement has been said to assist in enhancing blood flow and the energy/cell reproduction process, and I wanted to increase my circulation/energy levels (per acupuncture), and make sure my eggs were being made properly (do you notice a trend?). This is a supplement I think is probably least specifically related to fertility issues, but I haven't read anything detrimental about adding it to your intake, so I would keep this in my vitamin cabinet.

Circle+Bloom and Pulling Down the Moon's "Yoga Practices for Fertility": Both of these holistic things I added in January, and I loved them. I think everyone who is still praying for their baby should get one of each of these. The circle+bloom is a meditation series, and it is very relaxing and even if it doesn't work right away, the visualization exercises are really neat to practice. I ordered the fertility yoga DVD, and did it every morning of the week (not weekends). It isn't too hard (if you have never done yoga before), and the instructors do a great job of explaining the poses' relevance to infertility.

PREGNANCY:
Basically, I have continued the Vitamin D, Prenatal, and CoQ10. I stopped the Royal Jelly because there isn't an acceptance either way if it is safe during pregnancy or not. I continued the wheatgrass for as long as I could, but I just have not felt like subjecting myself to trying to swallow that concoction for several weeks.

I have added Expecta DHA prenatal supplement because my prenatal doesn't have DHA in it.

I haven't been back to acupuncture, as much as my practitioner and lots of people on the web assure me that it's safe during pregnancy as long as a few points are avoided. I have alot of confidence in its ability to move energy and adjust balances, and right now my body is balanced (enough) to support this baby, and I am nervous about altering that. I do want to return at least as I approach delivery, though, as there are points to make sure baby is in the right position and my body is preparing itself in the most whole way.

I am not doing the Yoga for Fertility anymore, but I am doing prenatal yoga 5 mornings a week:

First, I got Shiva Rae's DVD and about fell asleep during her routine. I mean, I am no yoga master, but it is soooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwww. As a former distance runner, I need some meat to my workouts, even if they are generally lower impact during pregnancy. The nice thing is that her DVD has trimester variations, but seriously, it is so boring.

Then, I ordered Element's Prenatal/Postnatal Yoga and Ann Richmond's Yoga for Pregnancy (6 workouts). These are MUCH better, and Ann Richmond's one is separated into trimesters, so for people who want the variations, this one is good (although the editing will make you chuckle- she has herself edited into random fields of blowing grass, etc.). The Element one is my favorite, though. (To be honest, I've lent my Ann Richmond out to a friend who is dealing with morning sickness, as she has a segment devoted to relieving specific symptoms!) I'm hoping that my prenatal yoga practice, along with walking the dogs 45min-1hr per day will help me stay fit during pregnancy!

If you have any questions, be sure to ask! I will try to do a followup post if there is enough interest!!

Security Blanket

It might be It is time for me to drop my security blanket. My progesterone supplements, that is.

My RE originally told me I could stop them at 10w, but I just couldn't. So starting today, I'm going to wean myself off. I had been doing two supp's per day, and for the next week, I will just do one. Jury is out on whether I will then go to every other day for a week, and then every 3 days, and then.... HA.

I sort of want to ask my midwife on Friday if I can have my progesterone checked, but I am not sure if she will agree that it's necessary, i.e. if insurance will pay for it. It's emotionally difficult to drop the supplements, although I know that "everyone" drops them around the 12w mark with no massive problems.

It goes along with the theme that PAI women realize quickly and surprisingly that even though infertility is filled with tests and medicines and strategies and plans and checkups, those at least provided security during infertility.

Or, at least in my case on a number of failure occasions (e.g., especially, my cancelled IVF, and my subsequent failed IVF), they made me feel awful and torn and alone and scared, but I still had some result or some dosage that told us what was next on the list and that we were still going after this infertility monster.

So, even though my infertility security blanket often brought insecurity, at least it was there.

And perhaps instead of tests and med dosages for a blanket, I now have nausea and tiredness and maybe the very beginning of a little baby bump, but those are so subjective, and you know how scared infertile people are of reading too much into symptoms.

At least for a thankfully low-risk pregnancy so far, my PAI security blanket has been thin but has brought only contentment and rest and reassurance. I go for my 2nd midwife appointment on Friday, where we will be praying to hear our little one's heartbeat using doppler.

Hoping and praying that our blanket continues to gain strength and warmth and goodness with each appointment and that our little one will be here happy and healthy in October.

Has it come to this?

(I interrupt Food on Friday with more about the pregnancy (un)announcement. Check for a recipe this weekend!)

Mr. A and I had a pretty "lively" discussion last night given the most recent pregnancy "un"-announcement- "un" because she still hasn't told me. Here are some highlights:

Mr. A is focused on very good things we do have instead of the huge thing that we don't have. He cannot for the life of him understand what it means when I say that I'm happy for {whoever} that they're pregnant, but I'm sad for me. Why do I have to be sad for me, he wonders? We have a nice home, good savings, stable jobs, two great dogs, etc etc etc. I am very thankful for those things and for his constant reminder to put those things ahead of what we might not have.

He says he's going to make a recording for me to play that says "It is going to be alright. We can be happy anyways without kids." because he's tired of saying it over and over with apparent lack of results in my response.

He has been convincing himself for the last couple of years that it probably isn't going to happen (even though he also says that if it's going to happen, it will happen whenever it's supposed to) and he is to the point where he has accepted that and is ready to move on. I am definitely not there yet, but how many more years can I torture myself with the idea that it's possible?? I have started to curtail myself from saying things like "when we will wait for the bus with our kid..." or "what if our kid gets into trouble at school...." or "that's the baby's room..." because I feel like I'm just teasing myself with those kinds of thoughts now.

I have not finished grieving the idea of our biological child, so I don't feel ready to move to adoption. Mr. A thinks that the whole adoption process is plunking down a suitcase of $100's, and saying "call us when you get a baby". I have tried to tell him about all the work and emotional exploration involved and that it isn't an easy road either, and I am not ready to move to adoption until he is fully on board with all that we'll have to go through if we choose adoption. Not to mention, our families are not exactly open to adoption right now, either...

I feel in my heart that I should just keep in touch with my (college) friends who (are) have been supportive, but I don't want to be accused of pushing people away who haven't been (one of them has already pretty much admonished me for this), even though I feel like they don't want to include me in their lives anymore. It makes me so sad that I used to totally belong with them and now I don't.

I still place most, if not all, of the blame of infertility on myself. Maybe it was the training 3+ years ago for the 2 marathons, 3 half marathons, and other distance races that messed up my hormone levels. Maybe it was my unworthy behavior in college or my wavering confidence that God really is going to give us a family. I worry that I miss too many Sunday's at church. At the same time, I know in my head that if God gave out babies on the merit system, drug addicts wouldn't have 7 kids each. But also at the same time, I have to hope that God is pleased with how I try to live my life, and what about all that rewarding the faithful stuff in the Bible??

Especially after that letter about the mama-jama fertility drugs, we are not feeling like we have the emotional energy for another run through the ART gauntlet, much less that it would be a good use/safe risk of our finances. So that leaves us with doing nothing acupuncture. And wheatgrass. Still gulping the wheatgrass.

So anyway, long story short, maybe I should call the christian counseling place here for an appointment. I think Mr. A is growing weary of being the only sounding board, especially because even though he says {mostly} the right things, I don't think he sees enough of a change in me to be confident that he's making a difference (although of course he is). Because I think I'm to the point where I am just about to my limit of dealing with this crap, and it might be helpful to get some guidance on how to go from here.

I know a few of you have gone to at least a few sessions, and I'd love to hear your feedback on your session (did it help?), and suggestions about how to prepare myself for this huge admittance that I might not be dealing with this struggle as well as I think I am.

But really, I think I do a pretty good job of dealing with IF day to day, any other day except pregnancy (un)announcement days. Is that so unforgiveable?

PS. I have to get a preapproval from the mental health section of my insurance!! Is this going to be a huge red flag on my record if I do this?! Maybe I can just talk to my pastor...

Edited to Add: Mr. A is super ultimate amazingly supportive. He totally knows my longing for a baby, and when he says things like, "but look at what we have been blessed with", he does not mean to diminish my (or his) longing for a child. It's just his way of dealing with it- focus on the good not the bad. I think it is an excellent way to approach the things we feel we are missing in our lives, but I have not found it as "easy" as it appears to have been for him to really focus on those things, and not just "say" that.

We are both very honest with each other about everything, including our mutual lack of peace with adoption right now, and we respect each other's positions and reasons. And we did attend an info session in early 2008 that left us both very disappointed (I know every agency is different).

I just hope I didn't paint a picture like he just sits on the couch and says "get over it" when I am struggling with an (un)announcement. He is amazing, and I am so thankful for how he has led our family of 2 in the last 3 years of this struggle. I hope God will allow me the chance to make him a dad- he will be a great one!

Insult to Injury

We are thoroughly enjoying our break from modern medicine. But the other day when I got a letter from my insurance company about my past prescriptions, I was sick to my stomach.

Essentially, starting in January, all fertility meds will require prior approval "for females under 50". (Should I just wait until I am 50 to try IVF again? Hahaha) Even clomid and progesterone! But the list includes all the big guns, too, like follistim, ganirelix, PIO, novarel, etc. AND, supposedly approval will be given unless the drugs are taken in conjunction with ART. Okay, who is going to be taking ganirelix in a normal cycle?!

I always considered myself very lucky to have had these meds covered for relative pennies compared to what they cost, so I probably have nothing to complain about, but I just think it is awful of the insurance companies. You (insurance) don't even pretend to cover IVF or IUI, and now you can't even throw us a bone and cover the meds?!?! Is this what happens when the government runs healthcare- every living thing has coverage, but that's because the poor helpless infertility patients are getting even more of the short end of the stick than ever?!?! Way to go, keep on covering people with 8 kids and no job, but make sure you give a big "screw you" to people who work 3 jobs to try to finance a shot at having ONE child.

I feel very thankful that we had coverage when we did, and that we went through all of the medical interventions when we did. I feel validated that what we are doing now (au naturale) is what we're supposed to be doing, given this change of situation. But it is totally kicking infertility patients while they are down. We are not even considering any other meds for the forseeable future, but this hurts almost as much as if we were in the thick of things. Don't infertile people have enough heartache?!

Looking Back

This here is post #300.

At this point, I've been blogging enough to start to look back on our year of pretty intense treatments. A year ago today, I was praying for a BFP from our first follistim cycle, and a year ago tomorrow, God told me no not yet, again. Don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm supposed to test on Wednesday, the 2-month anniversary of my Grandpa's passing away. I say "supposed to" because I'll only be 14dpo, and I've held off testing till 15dpo the past cycles. But I have this fantasy that I'll get a BFP and have an amazing heavenly high-five from my beloved Grandpa. We'll see if I get the courage to test on Wednesday... If not, Thursday is my sister's birthday, so I could always have fun telling her she's an aunt on her birthday. Oh yah, and if we're pregnant, the due date would be between my birthday and our anniversary. And finally, I could tell my mom in person when we go up to visit my other sister in 2 weeks. I maintain that this is torture!!

I can't believe we did all we did in the last year. And I can't believe that today, we are planning on not doing any more treatments (even clomid) for an indefinite amount of time. I'm going to continue acupuncture, we're going to continue eating organic/natural, and just see what happens.

But I can believe it, really. I always said (in the treatment trenches) that all the meds, appointments, hopes, and despairs didn't really seem to affect us that much, but looking back, it really had more of an impact that we were willing to grant it. It's kind of awful how it is SO subconscious that sometimes you aren't even aware of how the toll of IF is changing your life. Although I am scared about not doing any more meds/treatments (how will we ever conceive without meds if the super ones didn't even work?), that is what gives us peace right now. So that is what we'll do.

While all my fertile friends* look back on last year and count all the baby milestones that have happened in their house, the things that I can name are associated with acronyms, insurance coverages, and pharmacy and hospital bills. I suppose for the sake of full disclosure there are some other things, too- like getting Bert, and.... well I need to rack my brain for some more... does staying married in the midst of this struggle of our lives count?

I can only hope and pray that NEXT October, we will be looking back on a year of a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a happy family (FINALLY). If not, I don't know if I'll be able to handle looking back anymore- may have to settle for looking "forward " to a life in a family of 2.

*Update on telling my friends about our journey: 5 of the 7 girls have been moderately-to-generally supportive. 2 I have not heard a peep from. One of those had a baby boy sometime this or last month (okay fine so she is "busy")- I have no idea when because she only announced on facebook, and I'm one of the only ones of my generation who thinks facebook is creepy. She never told me (she knows I'm not on facebook), and even after I had emailed her congratulations (which took alot for me to muster), she recently sent out an email update (guess she has time for that after all) about her new baby (#2, of course), and did not include me on the update. I guess I need to clarify with them that I already feel 95% left out of what is going on with them, and if they start leaving me totally out of the loop, well, I'll feel 100% left out!!! I have some emotionally fair days when I can handle reading your baby updates, people!!!

PS. Did anyone else see this on FOX News' site this morning. GUESS WHAT, FOX!! If you need fertility treatments to conceive, you're not fertile!!! Stop the insanity!!! (Celine Dion is their #1 "Fertile after 40" celebrity!!!)

Imagining

Everyone always tells you (me) "God will do immeasurably more than you ask or imagine." (Eph 3:20)

And sometimes, this makes me wary to think that God is going to plop a baby into my belly when everything is seeming to line up well. In other words, sometimes I worry that if I could imagine getting pregnant this month, then it isn't going to happen because God is going to do more than that.

Historically speaking, this has been true. You know, like last month, when I ovulated around my birthday and would be expecting a BFP on our anniversary. What perfect timing. What an amazing thing to have happen to our family. But nope, wasn't to be.

I just started to type that maybe that would have been too perfect, but then I honestly don't think that's possible when it comes to how God's plan for our lives will look in retrospect. And obviously, God does work in perfect situations (how many families with 3 kids, 2-years apart do you know?), but clearly not in my perfect situation. 'Cause I had one last month. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

But what is on my mind today is that I feel like I have another great month ahead of us, where it would be awesome to conceive, and where I'm getting alot of good vibes already:

• First cycle on 100mg of clomid (after a year of failed higher-level stuff)
  
• There was a pregnant woman in front of me when I dropped off my Rx
• The pharmacist took clomid for both her kids, and she sensitively shared that with me!
• I won a giveaway, about HOPE!!
• August is a very special month for me, spirituality-wise
• A good friend of mine sent me an amazing encouraging email and also shared with me her success (literally, she is pregnant now!) with wheatgrass, and I'm now giving it a try! But GEEZ, I might as well just scoop up some grass clippings into my lemonade instead of paying $25 for a month's supply- these tablets aren't winning any tasting contests!!
  
• This is the first month where all our meat will come from the local farm, which we are VERY excited about
• There was a family with SIX kids in front of us at church yesterday, and the youngest one (a baby boy) kept looking at me (HA! I can't even believe I included this on this list! It is so ridiculous- where else was he going to look when his mom had him on her shoulder?! Haha, I have lost it!)
• And church, in general, yesterday was very uplifting for me
• We would be 6w pregnant when my parents come to visit us for Labor Day- could tell them in person!
  

So all of these things makes me go "hmm" in a hopeful way, but then I wonder if that in itself is an indicator that it won't be "our month" because things look too good. Sometimes I have my own pity party that infertile-success stories are the ones that have to be in the "God working good out of misery" situations, but then again, those are some of the strongest testimonies.

So if you are like me, with your imagination running wild about how perfect every single month would be to get pregnant, be assured you're not alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should be imagining all the awful things that could happen, in order to give God a chance to really do more than I could imagine. Because, heck, I have a pretty great imagination!! (Let's be clear- I know it's not as good as God..) I'll just keep prayin' and making up how I'm going to tell people, as if it's going to happen someday. I'm sure God has a detail up His sleeve that I haven't thought of...

Growth Spurt

I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.

We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.

But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.

I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.

So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.

But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.

Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.

A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.

I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.

So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!

Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!

(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)

Going backwards

So, I think I might be the most fickle infertility patient ever. Especially cozy under my new apathy blanket.

I had made an appointment with the other RE, but especially after their billing comments, I just did not have peace about it. We are not planning on doing any big-time treatments (e.g. injectables/ART) for the forseeable future, so what was emphasized to me in prayer is why not return to my ob/gyn if all I'm going to be possibly doing is clomid/progesterone supps and some 7dpo bloodwork here and there. They might have a way less efficient office (scheduling-wise...just assume you're going to wait half an hour when you arrive for your appointment) and they might consider 6.4 to be an acceptable 7dpo progesterone (which is lower than the RE's acceptable 10, but maybe for the normal population, that is fine?), but I think with the knowledge I have from the past year, I can be a better advocate for myself with any particular test result. Not to mention driving the 5 miles there is so much more attractive than the 45 to my RE's office...

So I called and left a message for my ob/gyn's nurse yesterday (she is so bubbly and helpful!), and she called me back and said that my ob/gyn would like to talk with me to go over the last year and then go from there. She is so different from my RE's nurse, and honestly, just talking to her made me feel so good about calling there and taking this route. So I'm taking that as a confirmation that it's the way to go. I'm meeting with him next Thursday. I do plan on asking him to retest my thyroid. And I think I'll ask for a higher dose of clomid, too. This feels right.

(Time to cancel the other RE's appt!)

In some ways it definitely feels like I'm moving backwards by "switching" to my ob/gyn. But, I'm actually okay with going backwards. Back to the time when we didn't know there was any issue, back to the time when we were so excited to have just the two of us, and back to the time when we were sure we'd be parents.

Maybe I am delirious, but we have been so happy lately. I have been driving with all the windows down, Michael Buble blaring, and me singing at the top of my lungs. Mr. A and I have been chasing each other around the pool, taking Banana for long walks at sunset (although this is mostly because she doesn't like walking at 5pm when it is 300F here!), and dreaming of a great and fun future. We have been eating our home-grown veggies (which reminds me, I tried to make refrigerator pickles the other day with our cucumbers, and I have to see how they taste!), and buying more organic food. I was emailing with my friend K yesterday, and I wrote how it is a little odd and unexpected that we'd feel so stress-free about trying less than 2 months after our failed IVF attempt. But I am thankful for the way my heart is feeling these days. I can only attribute it to grace from God, because logically, I think I should still be grieving and being anxious about what happens next.

Speaking of K, please keep her in your prayers. She is having a rough week in this "IF hell hole", as she so affectionately calls it. We have been praying that God would allow us to be pregnant together, but even if one of us gets pregnant before the other, it will allow us to be an example to the other that God works miracles even in the most difficult and improbable situations.

I know that You can do all things,
and that
no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2

Frustration (cont'd)

Even before you wise friends encouraged the clinic switch, I was so bugged out by my clinic's nurse, I called the other place. I had contemplated getting a second opinion before our IVF cycle, even had all my records faxed over there, but I had cancelled the appointment at the last minute when my RE suggested the other protocol. But I am sick of my RE's nurse.

So, I call over to the other place. Good news, they still have my records. At this point, I can't even believe I'm asking for another RE appointment, because it has just been awesome without that stress and worry. And I even think I do a pretty darn good job of not letting the stress and worry take over my life, but now that it's gone, I realize how it crept in here and there.

So they ask if I'm still with my insurance, and then I make sure they plan on just filing the appointments with the insurance first. She puts me on hold to check. (I did not consider this a good sign.)

Then another lady comes on the phone and tells me that since I've already been treated at my current clinic, my insurance considers everything thereafter "treatment", and they will pay nothing.

Um. Excuse me?

I told her that I'm not coming to them for treatment, per se, just a second look at my file and to ask for more testing, which I know is listed as covered on my policy. I'm interested in seeing if they think more detailed thyroid testing is in order or maybe those fancy mutation tests. TESTS, get it??

She said since it is a second opinion and my first appointment there, they will try (TRY?) to code the appointment as testing. Brace yourself, because I asked how much the appointment would be if the insurance didn't pay anything, and it would be THREE TO EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Okay, here are my reflections:
1. No wonder people with zero insurance coverage have $100k in infertility debt. God bless them!
2. I am beginning to wonder if my current clinic coded all my ultrasounds (pre-ART and during-ART) as testing. Because they definitely covered the majority of the cost of all the ultrasounds. And bloodwork. If this is the case, and I technically could have been paying $400 a pop for each ultrasound during the entirety of this past year, maybe I should stay with my current place out of homage for all the money they saved us.
3. But, I have serious issues with any clinic coding ultrasounds as treatment. If only!!! If only all we needed was an ultrasound to treat our childlessness. It's not the ultrasound that's the treatment, people! It's the procedures! Which, yes, I know, my insurance doesn't cover.

If there is any possibility that we will have to pay $800 for a stinkin second opinion, I just cannot justify that right now. I haven't even told Mr. A that I made the appointment because I want to call the second clinic back and be sure about their billing procedures before even I decide to even keep the appointment, much less tell him I'm willingly subjecting myself to this circus again. (Even the relatively low-rent clomid circus!) He is so protective of me- he knows how much pressure I put on myself when we were in the throws of it all, and I think he just wants me to kick back for a while. God love him :)

Can you believe that? Two phone calls that my heart passionately willed me not to put myself through, and both of them were nightmares. I almost wonder if because of how they played out, if God really does want us to just be chill for a while, just because I felt so attacked during both of them.

As you may imagine, I haven't given either of the calls much further thought. We are doing a ton of pool entertaining lately that just makes my heart soar. It is so fun to have people over and especially see their kids enjoy our pool. Yesterday, the friends who came over even brought their pup so Banana had someone to hang out with! The weather has been so beautiful that it's all I can do to keep myself inside the bulk of the day working, which is why I love the weekday afternoon vacation-time get togethers! (Yes, I have tried to "work" by the pool, and it's pretty much impossible!!) I am so thankful for the blessings that crowd around us. They definitely encourage me that the best is yet to come!!

Phone "consult"

So, just as I promised myself, I drug myself to the phone yesterday to schedule a consult with my RE. A very delayed WTF appointment, if you will. Here is how the conversation with the nurse went:

Me: I'd like to schedule a time when the doc can call me to go over last cycle and any recommendations/thoughts he has for future treatment. Work is really busy lately, so I don't have time to drive all the way to your office.
Nurse: Well, can you come in at 11:45am today?
Me: No, I really don't have the time to drive over this week. Are there any appointments open where he could just call me during the appointment time?
Nurse: Well there is an 8:20am open on Thursday?
Me: Okay, if he could call me then, that would be great. I will block it out on my calendar.
Nurse: Well, I can't reserve that time for you because we save the appointment times for patients who come in. The doc's time is very valuable, after all. I have a 1:30pm on Thursday, would that work?
Me: No, seriously, I don't have time to drive over there. (Thinking, um, I am audibly talking, no?) So you can't just put my name in the 8:20 slot and have him call me at that time?
Nurse: No, all I can do is let him know you want to talk with him, and that he should try to call you whenever he has a minute. Mmm-kay?

Okay. I will let your blood stop boiling.

THE DOC'S TIME IS VALUABLE?!?!?!??!! Well ex-CUSE me! I had no idea. We didn't just pay you $9k or anything, and have nothing to show for it. (And, okay fine, I realize that they can bill for patients who come IN, but not for phone calls, but come on. It's not like I haven't been writing you checks for the last year.) I didn't just tell you FIVE TIMES that my work is so busy I don't have time for the 3-hour (including appt) round trip to your office and back home. Really, you say his time is valuable?????

And, as you may expect, when I got home from volunteering yesterday afternoon, he had left me a voicemail FOUR minutes prior. Great, just great. I was steamed. I called the nurse back and told her that if I can't know when he is going to call, he needs to call my cellphone. She seemed to get the idea that I wasn't too happy with her not letting me schedule a time with him.

He called my cell phone like 10 minutes later. He was "so glad to hear my voice and see how I'm doing". Hmph. The lack of phone call initiation on their part makes me doubt this. But, as for the gist of what his reflections are, basically he is disappointed with the low fertilization rate (1 of 3 mature, basically), and it might indicate less than awesome eggs, but since I am still young, if we wanted to do another cycle (read: IVF), he wouldn't recommend against it. I told him we are not interested in doing anothere IVF round, but that we might be inclined to try clomid and what about 100mg instead of 50mg? He said he'd be fine with that, and if I wanted a prescription to just call them when a new cycle starts.

Most communication from their office being disappointingly-equal, I wish I had his direct-dial. This is not the first time I've become disillusioned with the body/voice language of the nurse. Maybe I'll call the receptionist and go through her instead if/when I need the prescription.

Or, maybe if we do want to try (even with clomid), we should transfer RE practices. They can prescribe clomid just as easily as my current place. Who knows. Will they do a phone consult? I really am through with RE appointments for now...

New Adoption Blogger/To my Baby Bumps

...A warm welcome to my friend T at Waiting for Something Beautiful! She has been an amazing support to us, ever since I've known her, but especially in the last year. We're praying they will be matched with a precious baby very soon!!

(While we're at it, I also shared this with my friend O- bring your little girl (and hubby, if he's not teaching!) and come swim soon!)

I was going to separate my "Praying for a Baby" section into people who are adopting versus just TTC'ing, but I wanted to keep everyone together because on both paths, that's what you're doing...praying for a baby!

***

We had people over for a cookout and swimming yesterday late afternoon/evening. It was heavenly! Adding to the wonderfulness was my glass of wine from the winery down the road- I like all of their varietals, and it's always hard to choose which bottle I want to bring home with me!! Plus it has been a long time since I've enjoyed their wares, thanks to follistim! I'm thinking of mowing the yard later on this afternoon before I walk Banana, that way I will be good and hot when we get home and I can jump in the POOL!

We don't have any plans for this weekend (except paddling around in my float), but on Monday I am going to drag myself to the phone and set up a phone appt with my RE. I am so disappointed he/my nurse hasn't called. If I paid someone $9k for a job and then the job didn't work out, I sure as blazes would call my client to see how they were doing in the face of such failure!!! Not sure when we will want to really try again, but I imagine we might consider partnering with clomid again, for a time or two. But who knows- that could change on a daily basis!

And a special note for my Baby Bumps:
Something weird is happening to me lately- I read all your blogs, but I just can't find the words to comment. It's not that I don't care or that it's too hard to read about your goings-on (although I have my days...), and I pray for you all every day, but I just can't put together an intelligent, genuine-sounding comment. I don't want to leave you a lame "sounds like you're doing great!" or anything. Or maybe I should, so you don't think I've stopped reading what's going on with you.

I'm so excited that a few of you are about to meet your little ones. Even if I'm not commenting, just know that it's because when I try to leave you a comment, my mind goes blank. My heart is still with you, though.

Have any of my fellow mommies-in-waiting had the same thing happen to you?

Jumbled

::chirp chirp::

The crickets around my blog were getting tired of being by themselves!! So I am happy to keep them company again.

Our visit with my grandfather went well. He was more mobile than I expected (have you seen how long those at-home oxygen cords are?!), but there were still some times (dinner at Perk.in's when he didn't want to bring his oxygen, but it was so chilly in the restaurant (he was visibly cold), he asked the waitress to turn down the a/c!) when he seemed weak and frail and so precious that I just wanted to hug him for a while. I imagine the adrenal.ine of having everyone visiting lifted his spirits/helped him be more youthful, because my aunt emailed me and said that he had a really tough day yesterday. We are so glad we got to sit and talk with him as much as we did! Plus visiting all my extended family was fun, too!

My grandma is in the early stages of alz.heimer's and her kids don't think she would be safe at home by herself. So their plan is to move her into an assisted living place after my grandpa passes.

Now.

Mr. A is obviously a super amazing guy.

But I had no idea how vehemently he believes that kids are to take care of their parents in their last years, if/when they can't take care of themselves. (They took care of you 24-7 when you were little, and when they need it, you should return the "favor".) He is completely appalled that my aunts/uncles are considering moving her to an assisted living place right now. At this point, she is not really a danger to herself or anyone, just a little off in her own world (not even that much detached from reality, if you ask me). I realize that alz.heimer's is a very complicated disease that will require some pretty specialized care in its advanced stages, but my grandma is just not there yet. But right now, it is pretty sad for me to think of her all by herself in a random assisted living place.

Mr. A said that she could move in with us, but I don't know if her kids would want that, since we live about 400 miles away from them and where she has spent her whole life. I suggested that maybe my mom (a nurse) could quit her job and be paid through my grandparents' estate to be my grandma's care provider, which one of my uncles thought was a good idea, but my aunt seems to have alot of concerns with that. I realize there are alot of variables to consider.

So in addition to my grandpa's declining health, there is this whole sad issue with my grandma. (Which, by the way, she is not even being consulted on the move idea- how tragic would that be- you lose your husband of 60+ years and then you get shipped off to a random place where you don't know anyone!) I don't really think it's my place to have a very active role in what "happens" to her- she's not my mom, and I guess I just pray that my uncles and aunts (and mom) will seriously consider some lifestyle changes that might allow them to welcome her into their home or allow them to care for her, instead of giving her the boot for someone else to deal with.

The other reason that I thought it was an amazing idea to have my mom go be her official nurse is that my mom is super attached (emotionally) to her parents in a way that I have never seen in another mid-fifties woman. She is not admitting it, but all of this is really hard for her. She does not deal well with being separated from her parents on a normal day, much less right now when both are experiencing fairly substantial health concerns. Her and my dad need time apart right now, to put it bluntly. She takes all her anxiety, anger, and worry on my dad, and he (so far) has hung in there, but the emotional and verbal abus.e she is spewing is getting to be overwhelming for him. I am honestly worried that he is going to snap or something, but he is such an upstanding guy that I don't think he wants to be the one to put his foot down or stay somewhere else until she can get herself under control. I can appreciate his dedication (in good times and bad, eh?), but I think I draw the line in an abu.sive relationship. I suggested that he go stay with a friend, even for a few weeks. Is that bad or un-matrimon-ily of me?

As for me and Mr. A, we are doing pretty darn great. We are loving our pool this summer!! I have no idea what CD I'm on (but pretty sure somewhere after ovulation). I think we were together around when ovulation might have happened, so there is this dang bird in my head that taunts me with "maybetherewillbeamiracle", and while I acknowledge the thought, I have done pretty well with leveling out my expectations. Because really, after not having any beer for like 5 months, it is nice to kick back by the pool with a book and a local brew. And have I mentioned how many cups of coffee I've allowed myself per morning? Not that I wouldn't give that back up in an instant if we get pregnant, but it's nice to not feel guilty about it.

Our garden is doing awesome. We have pretty much finished all our spinach and it was excellent. We hadn't grown it before, and it tastes SO much better than the spinach you buy in the stores. We are now moving onto our bibb lettuce, which is equally as yummy. My new favorite lunch (or dinner) is a huge salad of our own greens, feta cheese, cooked chicken, and vinaigrette. YUM. We planted cantelope and watermelon plants, but they seem to be growing slowly/not at all. I really hope they kick into gear- we have heard that homegrown fruits blow your socks off!! We're getting a couple raspberries per day- with a billion about to be ripe all at the same time!

I still have not called my RE, and much to my dismay, they have not called me either. If I ever have an RE practice, you can bet that that WILL be part of the protocol- to call patients who've had failed cycles. I think I'd like to give clomid a shot next month (you know, if that bird on my shoulder happens to be wrong), while I think I do have one more refill, I probably should talk with the RE. Hopefully he will be willing to do a phone consult.

Banana is doing great, too- we now have between 2 and 3 dogs who walk by each morning so she is getting to play/socialize alot!! She really seems to enjoy it. She still won't go in the pool though, silly pup!!

I know I have alot of catching up to do with you all, and I'm going to do my best to get back into things very soon! I read sometimes and am praying for all of you! I love how we each have specific requests/needs- although we are all praying/thanking for healthy children, we all have such unique situations. I love how that keeps my prayer time vibrant and exciting!!

June already?

Is it seriously June 3?

We're back from a fairly-impromptu trip to see my grandfather. He is doing better than I expected, but he is still visibly not the "normal". Luckily, the tube for his oxygen thing is pretty lengthy, so he can go have coffee on their back patio and move pretty much over their entire first floor. But sometimes, he looks simply weak and you just want to go hug him, you know?

And amazingly, the only person who mentioned our kid-less-ness while we were up there was my grandmother. (Did I know that her friend "in our same situation" adopted a little boy from Ireland and then went on to have 5 kids "of their own"???) I give her a pass because she is in the early stages of Alzh.eimer's....

And we are thoroughly enjoying not thinking about treatments. Can someone else call my RE for me and get his reflections on our failed IVF?? During our layover on the way home, Mr. A and I enjoyed a couple beers and a couple burgers and some great conversation. Of course I am secretly hoping for a miracle baby this time, but I don't even know what CD I'm on, and I plan on keeping it that way until as long as humanly possible. I think maybe I'd like to try clomid again, maybe 100mg instead of the 50mg I was on last summer, just for an extra boost.

It is weird to not pray so emphatically about our treatment stuff, but instead for other people, situations, and just our life in general. It is kind of refreshing, but a little unusual at this point. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

And finally, I am going to be upgrading my cell-phone soon!! I need you to tell me what you like and don't like about your phone. I am with veriz.on, so ip-hone's are out (bummer, Mr. A had one before he got his droi.d, and so the iph-one is just sitting in my desk drawer!) My biggest concern with the touchscreen ones is that I don't know if I will like typing on the touchscreen. But I know those are more fancy than the full-keyboard ones, which I just got to try out because my sister has one, but those are much nicer than the one I have now! Maybe this one is a good compromise? Not that I need fancy, or even a smar.tphone, really. But I am definitely tired of my current phone, which turns off at any old random time without even a "hey I'm turning off now", so I go to check it and realize it's been off for some unspecified amount of time!! Can't wait to hear your cell-phone reviews!!

Monday, Monday

Thanks to whoever submitted "me" to LFCA! And welcome anyone who is here from there :)

We are continuing to do pretty well considering the news we received Thursday. Of course there have been some more difficult moments that I will write about soon, but I have a deadline at work today, so I don't really have the time right now.

We're going to take this month (CD3 today) completely off. Then we'll see about what (if anything) we want to do in any upcoming cycles (progesterone? clomid? nothing?). I don't really want to talk to my RE (just because- and I know I shouldn't- but I just feel like an idiot for this not working), but I probably should. Maybe I can get a phone consult with him so I don't have to go sit in the exam room with him and a disinterested intern while he explains why he thinks it didn't work (he never does consults in his office).

I am trying not to assure myself that we'll get pregnant on our "break". That is the ultimate tragic set-up, isn't it? But of course that is what Mr. A thinks will happen, and especially with my grandfather's situation, I have had more than several people tell me anecdotal stories about people getting pregnant while someone close to them is passing away. And maybe deep in my heart that is what I think will happen, too, but it is so unbelievable at the same time. But God's ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).

We are glad to have this breath of fresh air. I was remarking last night that May has absolutely flown by because of the ivf timeline. I honestly can't believe it is already the 24th. It is refreshing to not have to worry about when is the next shot or next ultrasound. With the exception of two cycles, I have been on follistim since October. We are tired. We are thankful for the chance to just kick back for a while and enjoy a beer (or two) with our fried chicken (which, by the way, how the heck do you get the coating to stay ON the chicken while frying? I dipped in flour, then buttermilk, then flour- and then we used our deep fryer....).

Okay, I really have to get to work. Thank you again for your prayers for us. I love how lengthy my prayer list has become, as I've gotten to know more of you in this community. It is such an honor and a support to pray for each other!!

Home safe!

Short story: 5 good looking eggies!!! YIPEEEEEE! Thank you, God!!!

Long story: (I'll let you go refill your glass of water and get a snack first....)

..Sooooooooo..

Last Friday (when I thought the ER would be Monday), the office manager from the anaesthesiologist's office called me to ask me about payment (I just gave the check to the receptionist at the RE's office) and to tell me "Nothing to eat or drink except clear liquids after midnight the night before the procedure".

Got that? That quote is important.

So I get up this morning, made coffee for Mr. A, and filled up my Na.lgene bottle with water. Mr. A (who is also the most opposite you can get from a morning person) (also a very important piece of the day's story) comes downstairs in his shirt and tie. Um. Did he forget about our ER??!?! So I ask, maybe sounding more shocked than I was, what was he doing wearing his work clothes?!

And being that he rolled out of bed 15 minutes prior, my question was apparently as if I'd asked him to run over his Har.ley with a dumptruck this very second. He was not impressed with my question (or any of my subsequent explanations or attempts to backtrack myself), his tone was absolutely, oh, what would you say, pissed off, and I'm pretty sure this is what happened when whoever coined the term "speak only when spoken to". HA! (Just kidding!!) (Turns out he just wanted to avoid changing after the ER...)

So, in all the "discussions" and getting out the door on time, I left my rings and my favorite cross necklace in my bathroom. Cue the waterworks (again), once I realized it.

Not the super greatest way to start off the morning. But I was determined to not get too down about it- have to make sure my follicles produced happy eggs!! And I don't have to wear my cross for God to know I'm counting on Him for a miracle here.

Luckily after coffee and some time with his eyes open, Mr. A poked me (we had about a 45 minute drive), and said "What is up!?!!?!?"

Well, great, now you're happy?! Ha! Oh well, better late than never!!!!

Anyway, we got to the lab in plenty of time, got checked in right away, and the very-chatty (but cute) nurse came in and started getting me ready. Put the IV in my hand because my veins are just not drinking straws like my dad's. I've never had an IV before, and I thought it would hurt more than it did. Bonus! I saw my RE, who looks remarkably athlectic in his scrubs and running shoes versus his office gear. The anaestheologist was the last one to the party. Here's part of the conversation that we had when he got there:

Anaesth: So, have you had anything to drink or eat this morning?
Me: Just water.
Anaesth: (looking alarmed)
Me: (Why is he alarmed?)
Anaesth: How much water have you drank?
Me: Well, about half that bottle (half a liter?)

Then he goes through the door and talks softly with my RE. They both come back together. I'm thinking, oh my heavens what is going on....

Anaesth: Well this is a really big problem.
Me: (Picking my jaw off the floor)
Anaesth: You weren't supposed to have anything to eat or drink in the last two hours. No one told you that?
Me: (This is where you should remember what the office manager told me on Friday!) No, gosh, your office lady just said nothing to eat or drink except clear liquids after midnight!! She didn't say anything about nothing for 2 hours!! Oh geez. Would it help if I pee?
Anaesth: (Laughing warmly) No, that won't help. The problem with having something in your stomach, even water, is that while you're sedated, your esophagus muscles relax and stuff from your stomach could come up and get in your lungs. And stomach acid in your lungs is not a good situation.
(Mr. A almost passes out in the corner.)
Anaesth: So we only have a couple options. Either we wait a few more hours...
(Now I about pass out.)
My RE: Well, we can't wait any amount of time because she already did the trigger for this to happen now.
Anaesth: Or we just use a different kind of medication on you, one that doesn't put you to sleep. You'll feel more pain...
Me: I don't care about pain!! I'll do whatever, just so that I'm not in danger and that this can still happen!!
My RE: We used to do egg retrievals without such complete sedation all the time. People used to bring in their favorite music to listen to!
Anaesth: Okay, well we'll just use a different medication on you, but be sure to tell me if it is too much and you want us to stop the procedure.
(I'm thinking, yah right, not in a million years!!!)

So, there I go, breaking another mold this cycle. The anaestheologist gave me less medicine than he normally gives people in preparation (relaxation) for their actual sedation. He and I talked the whole time about all kinds of random stuff, and he only had to give me a tad bit more medicine once. He kept saying how he couldn't believe that I went through that with such little medicine. I hope he doesn't try this on the next gal who might not have such a high pain tolerance!!!

Funny story, when they first started the procedure, my bladder was so full they had to drain it with a catheter to see my ovaries! Ha! Water, indeed!!!

All in all, they got 5 eggs!! And I'm under the impression (possibly incorrectly) that that is the number of mature ones because I had at least one more follicle than that and it took them a while after the syringe was passed through the window for them to say the egg count. I could be wrong. I'm praying they are all mature, though!! Overall, it wasn't too painful, although I felt the needle/aspiration, etc., just in a muted way, I guess. It's hard to explain. Afterwards, I felt like I was having period cramps. Luckily they had 2 tyl.enol and a heating pad waiting in my original room!! I was just so thankful that we got 5, even if they're not all mature!!

It didn't take me long at all to "recover", since I'd barely had any sedation medicine. Why didn't they have egg sandwiches on the menu? I settled for graham crackers ;-)

We planned to pick up some lort.ab on the way home. My nurse had called it into WalM.art ( which I hate), so I called when we were exiting to see if it was ready. They said they needed my info before even filling it! GRR. So I gave them everything, and they said it would be 25 minutes, so we went to the bagel shop to get lunch. Then we went back to get the prescription. I get up to pay, and they say that the birthdate year that I gave them is off of the one my nurse gave them.

REALLY PEOPLE? You think there is another me, with the same name, address, birthdate month, and birthdate DAY that you have to verify that I'm the same person as the one my nurse was talking about?? So we had to stand there another 10 minutes while they called my nurse and then (finally) filled it. UGHHH. Damn WalMar.t!!!

But, thankfully, we arrived home safely and Banana has kept me company all afternoon long! I have taken a nap and now writing this hugely-long post! I think another nap is in order after I'm finished!! And, we're ordering Chine.se for dinner- YAH!

So they're calling us with the fertilization report tomorrow. Please pray we have happy healthy babies growing!! Thank you so much for all your good thoughts and wishes and prayers! I think today is just an amazing example of one of my favorite Bible verses from Job:

I know that You can do all things, that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted (Job 42:1-2)

We're praying that it's God's purpose of bringing a little one to us this time, and that He used all the things that went "wrong" to show me that I really can trust Him to come through!! I've felt like that this whole cycle, and today was no different!! God is so good!!

So thank you, again, for all your prayers and thoughts! I will keep you posted!!

Ready to go!

Wow, I cannot even put into words how thankful I am for how this cycle is continuing to go! Ultrasound this morning reveals that all follicles are ready to go (1 29mm, 2 20mm, 1 18mm, 2 15mm)!!! My good gut feeling is still there- I feel like I'm living out Romans 8:28- that God is using what we learned last cycle for so much good this time!!

I also had bloodwork done, but the results are not in yet- it won't change the retrieval date (Wednesday), but it will give us an idea of how the follies are- it's been low(ish) in the past, but I'm praying for a solid number!!!

So, trigger tonight, retrieval Wednesday morning, (probably) transfer Saturday!! I will be PUPO just in time for Mother's Day!! Gosh, I can't believe it!! This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad (Ps 118:24)!!!

Thrilled!

Happy May! Thanks for all the feedback on my "What IF" post- It's uncharacteristic for me to dwell on negative outcomes like that, but it has crossed my mind several times lately, and I was glad to use the project as an avenue to let it out!

The ultrasound went really great this morning! My RE is thrilled with the results! (Quote!) I am up to 6 (maybe 7- one might be hiding?) follicles in the running!! They are not quite growing as fast as they would expect, but my RE said that in some of his reading/research about this protocol, it was mentioned that the antagon may slow down growth for some people. So they are not worried and are actually really pleased with how I'm responding!

I can't tell you how relieved I am. I mean, what an answer to prayer- in the affirmative!!! Please Lord continue to bless me with good growth of these follicles so they can meet up with some handsome swimmers and become our little January baby(s)!!

We are continuing with follistim/ganirelix tonight and tomorrow, and I have bloodwork and an ultrasound Monday morning. I think at that point, I'll start to get worried if they are STILL not big enough, but I'm pretty sure everything will be fine! I have such a great gut feeling about this cycle!! So, ER has been moved back to (probably) Wednesday, but that is okay!

AND, special shout out to my sister who got engaged last night!! Welcome to the family, PW!!!

What {IF} this is the end of trying?

Although I am squeaking in at the last second, I do want to recognize that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. You can learn more about it here. And, over at Stirrup Queens, they are doing a project with Resolve that I really wanted to be a part of.

Because I am naturally an optimistic person (so I am sure that this IVF will work, ahem), it is hard (almost impossible?) to consider that we won't ever be pregnant. But after a year of fairly intensive treatments, we are almost out of emotional steam and actual dollars. So we are pretty sure that if this IVF doesn't work, we'll be taking an indefinite break from specialist-involved TTC'ing while we save up some more baby-making dollars. (Is that when we will get magically naturally pregnant??)

But, per my title, what if this is the end of trying?

I have wanted to write about this a couple of times before, but I always feel like it is so contrary to my natural state of being that it would be out of place here and taking up my time focusing on something that I don't really want to focus on.

But it's a possible reality that I have to be prepared for.

On the one hand, if this is the end of trying, there are some forseeable benefits. With having to drive 40 minutes one way to the RE at least once a week for the last 3/4 of a year, all the monitoring and appointments have wreaked havoc on my work momentum, and it would be nice to have that back. It'd be nice to not have a permanent bruise on my left arm where they draw blood. It'd be nice to not feel guilty about having a glass of wine or missing a day of prenatal's. We can schedule horseback riding lessons as our something-we've-never-done-before summer activity. I can put away the sharps box and clear off the dining room table of all the syringes and medicine boxes and alcohol swabs.

But on the other hand, I can barely imagine what my day-to-day life would look like. What will I blog about? How long will it take to save up for more treatments or adoption? Will I use my fertility monitor anyway? (Compared to the monitoring I've grown accustomed to, the fertility monitor is so elementary!) What will my mom say when I tell her we've stopped treatments? Will I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever? (My first "what if" question here!) How will I react to friends who get pregnant without trying while we're not trying? What will help me accept that we're not trying anymore? How will I hope for a miracle baby when my hormone levels aren't very good without medication?

I am big on hope, so the last one really hits me hard. I fully believe that God can create life whenever He wants to, but it is going to be difficult for me to hope for this because I have come to know that my hormones aren't really peaking as high as they're supposed to. How long will it take me to reach a balance of a bearable level of hoping while not trying? Is that even possible?

The first one is a biggie, too. I love this community and all the bloggers I have met!! Will they want to read my blog still, if it's not about meds and cycle days and hormone levels? Can I still call it an infertility blog if we're not actively trying? What will I write about? It has been so great to be able to use this as an emotional outlet. I imagine I will still enjoy having the emotional outlet, but about what?

As I just re-read this draft, I notice in a very big way that although I can pick out several "good" things about not trying, there are a seemingly endless number of questions that flood over when it comes to what if this is the end? And maybe that's what makes it so hard. Just as starting fertility treatments is stepping into an unknown world, I think stopping fertility treatments is similarly daunting. I don't know how I will cope. I don't know what is coming next. I don't know how we will shift our lives back to the way it was before we had an inch-thick chart at the RE's office.

I'd venture to say that I'm not the only one who's been at this crossroads. National Infertility Awareness Week (link here) shines such a needed light on those of us struggling in darkness. Infertility (link here) affects so many couples, and it's sad that in so many circles it is still treated as a lack-of-relaxing situation.

And so, to leave you with my positive (and more characteristic) "What IF" statement..

What if this cycle "ends" with our baby?

And going....

I am back from my whirlwind work trip. It is so good to be home! And I am so thankful that home is a place I love to be.

But really, enough about home. I had another u/s today!

It's so nice to hear (again) that my uterus is beautiful and the lining is perfectly trilaminar. Now we just have to get a bugaboo in there!

My follies are all still growing, but some are not quite big enough to where my RE wants to trigger (21mm, 18mm, 2 14mm's, and 12mm). At first I was a little worried about this, but I had only taken 7 doses of follistim prior to the ultrasound and in all my other follistim cycles, I had stimmed for 9 or so days prior to the trigger. So for me, I think I'm still on track. Our goal (prayer request) is that at least four follies are at least 16mm by my next ultrasound on Saturday morning. I think we can do this!!

So, I wrote all the big checks and signed off on the anesthesia order and all that before I left the office. Whoa. I think my RE is encouraged by what he saw today and pretty much assuming things will look the way he wants them to on Saturday. Please Lord!

I am so grateful for how this cycle has gone so far and I'm still very hopeful and positive that we'll be pregnant this time! But I think I'm getting nervous! If all looks good on Saturday, ER will be Monday!!