Are you miserable?

Mr. A wanted to know last night. He said that all his coworkers keep asking him if I'm miserable, and when he says no, they tell him that that's crazy- I am miserable.

I think that is crazy talk.

I honestly don't know what to say to women who say they are miserable at the end of their pregnancy. Or the ones that whine that they want their body back. I just don't even know what they're thinking.

Okay fine, when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, my lower back really hurts and there is a ton of pelvic pressure, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl hanging out just where she is supposed to be right now, fully engaged and ready to meet us!

Okay fine, my belly has gotten pretty huge, and I have to chuckle that when I'm doing dishes I have to stand farther back from the sink to make room for it, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl growing just like she's supposed to!

For every symptom-related complaint I've ever heard about the end of pregnancy, I can't think of any response that doesn't come back to the fact that pregnancy is such a huge blessing, and women who complain about it (without the disclaimer that they know that it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby) have no idea how many other women would give their right arm to feel the same way. There are fertility clinics full of patients who are paying $20k a pop out of pocket for a chance to pee 3 times a night or have heartburn all the time.

So to the women who selfishly wail about being miserable at the end of pregnancy or write up eviction notices for their growing babies, I say how dare you. How dare you complain about the miracle of new life and all that it takes to create such a thing, and how dare you complain that your baby is still healthy and growing inside when so many moms go through miscarriage and infant loss?

And in other non-miserable news, my appointment this morning went great :) Blood pressure was 128/78, total weight gain is 26lbs (eh), but they are happy with that, her heartbeat was 143, she is at 0 station, I'm 2cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Midwife is really pleased with how my body is getting ready- we made an appointment for an NST and other post-due monitoring for next Wednesday (10/12), but she said she will be surprised if Maryanne isn't here by then. YAY!

Acupuncture at 1pm today to see if that will further help my body get ready! So excited!!!

Relief

37 weeks tomorrow, folks. Holy camoley.

We are so excited that it is getting to the point where M could come at any time!! The last few days have had several overwhelming there-is-so-much-to-do-before-then moments, though. Those aren't so fun. But Mr. A and I are a good enough team that even if things get a little tense, we just chock it up to the immediacy of the situation, and move on. We are not the most lovey-dovey-PDA couple on the planet, but we are an AMAZING team, and if there is something we need to accomplish together, you better believe we're going to knock it out of the park.

After my last midwife appointment with the high blood pressure issue, I was kind of nervous about this morning's checkup. Especially since, like I said, there were a few times this weekend when I was not exactly calm or collected.

But I practiced some yoga for just about 15 minutes before I got ready to go. Because the midwife last time had indicated that I should be prepared to go to the hospital if any of my subsequent appointments revealed a situation which warranted going, I printed out the dog documents for people who are helping us with the pups when it comes time to meet M, and I printed out the kitchen info sheet that has all our freezer stock lists and favorite recipes and what all freezer meals are going to be available for eating. (Yes, I'm type-A. I'm going to do a post on the meal situation soon!) I got my hospital bag, and said bye to the pups. Who knew when I'd be home again!

Mr. A met me at the office. It was so nice for him to come with me this time (he couldn't make it last time). We talked about how excited he is to be almost done with his lessons to get his pilot's license. We talked about buying a little plane for our family (you know, when we win the lotto). I took some more deep blood-pressure-lowering breaths.

They called me back, and much to my surprise, I've actually lost three pounds in the last 10 days. I hear that sometimes that happens before delivery. Yay! There was no protein in their urine screening. AND, my blood pressure was 130/80!!! Absolute best news of the day. My midwife was going to have me re-do the 24-hr urine catch just to make sure nothing was amiss, but she decided against it because the results from the one last weekend were within the normal range, but mostly because my blood pressure went back down, I have no signs of swelling/water retention, and their urine sample was free of protein. YAY.

I am so relieved, it's hard to describe. I am totally ready to meet M, but I want her to be good and ready and healthy when she comes!! Tomorrow I will be full term, but I'm okay if she bakes another week or two. Just so she decides to come before someone makes her...

And, even though my midwife said that she is very pleased with the blood pressure decrease, she still wants me to take it easy. So I got a note from her that I need to work half days. Since apparently my office is going to treat me like I'm in third grade, I was very excited to get my "hall pass" and you better believe I've already emailed it to my boss and updated my voicemail and email signature and calendar to reflect my reduced-hour schedule.

So, after 1pm, you will find me catching up with friends, cooking meals for when M is here and we want something quick, or watching the afternoon lineup of fo.od network. Better get the lazy days out of the way before there is a baby in my arms!! After all the angst of the last week or so, today is a very very welcomed breath of fresh air.

I am going to bed at 6pm.

It's just one of those days.

I work for a national agency that does not have "maternity leave" per se, in that there is no specific paid time off- whatever leave we take after having a baby has to either be leave we have saved or leave without pay.

Several months ago (I just went back to look for my post on it, and I am flabbergasted that I never wrote an in-law installment on this occurrence), my MIL lectured me on what I was thinking for maternity leave, saying that I could only use 6 weeks of my sick time for time off after the baby. Any extra time had to be vacation time. This assinine policy had never even crossed my mind, and I was so anxious after her lecture that I could barely sleep that night.

Since I have been blessed with good health, of course I have 5 times as much sick time saved as I do vacation time. But I remembered that my boss took quite a while off after her baby, so I just brushed my MIL's tirade off as antiquated policy. My FIL (they both work for the same agency) seemed to agree that MIL had no idea what she was talking about, since now they allow fathers to take up to 12 weeks of time off. So I felt much better.

A few weeks ago, I came up with a plan based on my current available leave balances. This plan included me being totally off for a month, working one day every two weeks for two months, working part time in January, and coming back full time in February. I know that alot of women get considerably less (just the 6 weeks), but I have been dreaming of the day when the sick leave balance takes a major hit because of a baby, and there were alot of times when I thought that day would never get here. What else was I saving sick time for, anyway?

This morning, I had a teleconference with my boss about my maternity leave plans. I emailed her a copy of my master plan (above), and she said it looked fine, and that only 6 weeks of the total hours I was planning on taking off could be categorized as sick time.

Well, then my plan wasn't fine, because in my master plan, the bulk of the hours were going to be sick time hours!! How is that fine?!

Maybe it is totally superficial for me to feel this way, but I feel like my whole happy maternity leave plan just got knocked off its axis, and this has completely ruined my day. Now, in order for me to not go back full time until January, I'll have to work a morning every two weeks in October, one day a week end of October-beginning of December, and part time in December. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but I was so excited about not working and being able to leisurely get ready for Christmas with our new baby without having to worry about regular working!!! Now it's all just disappeared before my eyes.

I am SO frustrated with this policy. I have twice as much sick time as I am being allowed to use right now. What the hell am I supposed to use sick time on, if I can't use it while I'm trying to take care of a newborn!!? My boss says that kids are always sick, and I will be surprised how much sick time I use even after I'm back to "full time", but I don't remember me (or any of my sibs) "always being sick" when we were little.

At this rate, I'm going to retire with eight thousand hours of sick time. I don't think they should be able to tell me I can't use time I have saved up for when I will need time off.

UGH.

I was pretty surprised at how the meeting went- she is usually very easy-going and will often times let rules be bent, but she made no apologies for this policy. She said I could ask my midwife for a note saying that I needed more "sick time" off after the baby, but what are we, in third-freakin'-grade!??!!? I know it's not her fault, but I am just surprised that she wasn't more apologetic, and that kind of bummed me out even more.

THEN I had another meeting with her and another supervisor about an actual case I'm working on, and they decided they didn't quite agree with my position, and would it be possible to do some extra work on the case on the side before we figure out what we're going to do with it?

Oh, sure, that will be just peachy.

THEN, the cleaning people called while I was on the phone with the second meeting, and left a message which didn't show up until 15 minutes after they were supposed to be here for our cleaning estimate. What did it say? They were calling to confirm our estimate appointment. Since I didn't call them back before the estimate time, they never showed up!

AAAAH!!!

So I called them back and rescheduled for 3pm this afternoon, when they actually did show up, but in between the second meeting and 3pm, of course I was grossly unproductive because I was just steaming over this whole leave issue. (The cleaning estimate is higher than Mr. A thought it would be, but at this point, I feel like throwing in the towel on everything. It's only money, right?)

THEN, I am sitting here trying to resume work like I was supposed to be doing all day, and my midwife's number shows up on my phone. I thought, Oh my Lord, if my urine sample was bonkers and they are just calling now to tell me so on today of all days, I am seriously going to lose it.

Luckily, she was just calling to check to see if I'd developed any other clinical symptoms of high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia (which I thought was really sweet of her to call and check), and that my urine jug's protein was within the normal ranges. If my blood pressure is still high on Monday, though, she will probably want to re-run the 24-hr catch. Oh great fun that will be! She did say, though, that she would write me a note that I need to reduce my work hours until the baby is born, which since they will be before I have the baby, do not affect the 6 week limit after she is here, so maybe that will give me some satisfaction as far as taking sick leave to "care" for our little one. So that will be nice. Except she said she wants me to reduce the work hours so I can stay off my feet. And I'm envisioning making tons of freezer meals in my afternoons off...

And I am sure that as worked up as I am about the whole leave fiasco, my blood pressure was not exactly laying low today. Totally sucks.

More Mind (Body) Games

You'd think after the 1-hr glucose test failure, and failing the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr (so technically being okay but of course still getting a complex about it), I'd learn to just let precautionary measures roll off my back without getting all in a tizzy.

Today (35w3d) my blood pressure was on the high side again (140/90), and so my midwife wants me to do the 24-hr urine test. She said their office urine test is completely negative for protein, and if I was in serious pre-eclampsia mode, it would definitely show up, so that is a good thing that their test was negative. Also, my belly measurements continue to be spot on, so she can tell the baby is growing that way, and even when she was checking the heartbeat, she could hear heartbeat accelerations when baby girl was moving and back to normal when she stopped, which she said is very healthy.

And she even told me not to go home and freak out, which of course is the most useless thing she has ever said to anyone on the planet.

So I got to walk out of the office with the embarrassing pee jug, which has taken up residence next to the tea jug in the fridge. I already warned Mr. A to be careful when refilling his glass after dinner...

It's just another instance of where all of a sudden I'm afraid/convinced of the bottom falling out. I'm afraid that the placenta is failing and that baby girl isn't getting the nutrients she needs, and I have convinced myself that at our next appointment, I'll have to be induced and the baby will get stressed out, and I'll have to have a c-section. (I really hope not to offend those who choose to have c-sections or were in a situation where they were necessary- but it is just my preference/dream to have a natural labor and delivery!)

I also had the Group-B strep test today, and so I have convinced myself that will also be positive, so even if I don't have to be induced, I won't get to labor as long as I want to at home because I will need antibiotics. Ugh.

She said it is completely possible that I just get subconsciously stressed on the days of my appointments and that is why it is high (last appointment it went down after I laid on my side a few minutes...but it didn't do that today... but of course by the end of my appointment, I was probably more stressed about all the urine collection info). I guess I hope that is the case- on my appointment days, I don't get to do yoga and the morning routine is just different, so maybe that is it. I don't know. I just want our baby to be healthy and getting what she needs. Why isn't my body cooperating?!?!

And then of course I say that, and I listen to Mr. A reassure me that out of all the procedures we tried that failed and even though I haven't passed every test this pregnancy with flying colors, this pregnancy has actually been pretty damn near perfect. I have been able to keep exercising, I'm not uncomfortable, baby girl looks perfect, and generally there have been zero serious complications, or any complications, since on paper, I passed the 3-hr glucose test. So really, maybe my body is cooperating more than I give it credit for, relative to what many moms go through for their little ones to be born. I stand corrected.

But it still stinks to go to the doctor and feel perfectly fine and get the news that you are not perfectly fine. No one wants to hear that.

So I am pretty much expecting that she will be here before her due date. Which sends me into a whole other mindset of needing to do eight gabillion things in the next week in case on the 12th, she will need to be born. Which of course Mr. A cautions me against getting all stressed out because of the blood pressure issue. Ha!

I will turn in my pee jug tomorrow morning at the hospital and get some bloodwork. They should have the results by tomorrow after dinnertime, and if there are any concerns, I will go in next week for an NST and an ultrasound to check the placenta and fluid levels. It would be cool to see our girl again before she is born, but I just hope she is healthy and happy in there and getting what she needs. I don't want to fail her now! I just keep praying God will bless her with a long and happy and healthy life with our family....

(ETA: You would think that after struggling with infertility, I would have learned that these test results are completely out of my control- just like infertility itself- but somehow, just like with infertility, I keep asking myself what I could have done better or why can't I do this right or what is wrong with me?)

Bee Bop

Well, baby girl was working out or dancing or something this morning! Her heartrate was in the 160's! My appointment time was 11:15, and I didn't get called back until almost a half hour later, and I could feel her squirming around the whole time. That feeling will never get old, that is for sure.

I was kind of hesitant to hop on the scale this time, but I was pleasantly surprised- no weight gain in the last 3 weeks! Yay!! I have changed my diet some to generally follow some glucose intolerance suggestions (since I failed both the 1-hr glucose test and the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr test), so maybe I have been eating slightly less and/or more balanced meals. Either way, I am happy to be at +19lbs at 33w3d. I do feel like my belly has grown, though, so it would seem that baby girl is still getting what she needs!

When the tech checked my blood pressure it was 146/82 (gulp). I knew that was highish, but she didn't say anything about it. She took the hospital pre-registration form that I'd brought with me- holy moley, are we really pre-registered in the birthing suite?!?!?!

My belly measures exactly on target, and baby girl is head down and pretty low, so midwife thinks she will probably be head down for the duration. So happy about this! We do some deep squats in yoga that really encourage babies to move down, and so you aren't really supposed to do them if the baby is breech. So I was very interested to confirm that she is head down- I thought she might be, but it was nice to hear it this morning.

Like I mentioned above, she was moving all around so her heartrate was up, but it didn't seem like the midwife thought that was a problem of any kind. I am sure that baby girl will take a nice long nap later on and then I will want her to be moving around again!!

My midwife said she wanted to recheck my blood pressure, so I laid on my side.... 122/68! Such a relief!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and then I start going every WEEK. That is just unbelievable. I am so grateful to be here- I have loved being pregnant, and as much as I want to meet our baby, I can't wait to be pregnant again! Haha :)

And I just have to say that I love our dogs. There is some random guy doing door-to-door sales right now in our neighborhood (I saw his car yesterday, and it peaked my interest because the county on the license plate is from my hometown, like a 9 hour drive from here....weeeeeeeeeird), and they just went crazy (inside) when he came to our door. Of course I went and looked out the window on the side of the door and waved him away (while they were both barking and jumping and standing on their hind legs- there is no doubt that there are dogs here who will stand up for their fort!); I had to get a look at him so I can describe him to police....because of course those people always creep me out- and to add insult to injury, I caught him glancing in my car windows on his way down our driveway. Move along, creepo! I have two dogs that would love to defend their pregnant mama and their home turf!

Glucose day: Update

I survived :) Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers!

It turns out my 3-hour partner was very friendly, after she woke up from her nap! She just moved here and is due in 3 weeks- apparently her previous doctor never did a glucose test! She is also preparing for an all-natural birth, so it was really nice to be able to share our preparations and things like that. We even exchanged phone numbers and hope to share rides to yoga after her baby is born, or before if she has the energy. Not really expecting to hear from her again, but who knows!!

Our nurse was newly-pregnant- due in February- and she had tried/waited for TEN YEARS. It was really neat to hear- because of course in the real world, you don't hear of us infertiles all that much. There is always an immediate connection with someone who has struggled to have a baby, that is for sure. (If you're wondering, the other gal taking the test today just forgot her birth control two days in a row....)

The nurse was great- I have one semi-good vein in my left arm, and she drew all FOUR blood samples from the same vein! I haven't taken off the cotton ball yet, so I'm not sure how bruised it is, but I was very impressed. Didn't really hurt that much at all!

My midwife appointment directly afterwards went pretty well. I gained 6 lbs in the last month (oops- I blame the stress/lack of exercise last week and all the carbs this week, ha!), but I am still pretty pleased with how I've gained so far- I think it has been pretty conservative (+16 lbs total at 28w3d), and I hope that I can continue to manage it well. Baby's heartbeat sounds strong and good, and my belly measures right on.

I found out that I failed the 1-hour glucose test by THREE points: their cutoff is 139, and my level was 142. Ha! That made me feel alot better, and they said they would be surprised if I didn't pass the 3-hour. Whew! Of course the results won't be in until next week, so we will just see, but I feel very peaceful about whatever the outcome will be.

Now I start going back for midwife appointments every 2 weeks. Is this really happening? I honestly still can't believe this is ME we're talking about here. I asked her if the hospital has any limits as far as how long they will let you labor and/or push, and she said that any decisions made during labor/pushing are made between us, the midwife, and the doctor- the hospital does not have any per se rules. That made me happy to hear- she said that they realize that sometimes first babies take longer to arrive, and that unless the baby is in distress, their policy is not to rush what is a natural process.

I arrived home just as I was starting to feel really weird/shaky from not eating since dinner last night. I have never inhaled a peanut butter sandwich and string cheese so fast in my life!! Haha :) Then me and the pups took a 2-hour nap....I love these dogs so much!

After our nap, I peeled (is that a word?) myself off the couch to run some errands, the most exciting being going to the art store to get paint for my sister to use for the murals!!!! I am so excited- she has been texting me sketches, and they are phenominal!!!! I can't wait for her to get here on Sunday :)

All in all, I am feeling totally happy today. So thankful for Mr. A, this baby, our pups, the beautiful weather, and the constant support of good friends, neighbors, and family.

Feeling better

I really appreciate all your support and comments! After a great yoga class this morning (bourbon girl was absent), I am back to feeling confident that I will continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and little girl. Yay!!

My midwife gave me a diet to follow three days prior to my 3-hr test (on Friday morning), so I am following it from now till Thursday. It is kind of counter-intuitive (has you eat at least 7 servings of starch, 4 of fruit, and 2 of dairy per day), because I would think that I wouldn't want any sugars floating around my system before the test, but I guess if you don't eat carbs leading up to the test, your body sort of forgets to process sugars and doesn't make enough of the enzyme necessary to process the drink during the test. I kind of took it easy on carbs/sugars the day before my 1-hr... I wonder if that is why I didn't pass?!

We're getting very excited for my sister to come paint the murals in the baby's room!!! (Check out her etsy page here http://www.etsy.com/shop/brigittemarie - she has some beautiful stuff and does an amazing job with custom paintings, too!) I can't wait to show you pictures of the end result!! I know it is going to be great!

It's going to be a scorcher here today- will definitely be using the pool after work today!

vague messages are the worst

So of course we are travelling today, and in between flights I see I missed a call from my midwife... her message? "Call me at your earliest convenience."

I am now convinced I failed the 1-hr glucose test. Why else would she call? Why didn't she just say "you failed" instead of stupid nothing.

Ugh. I am so disappointed in myself. It just brings all my IF insecurities to the surface - like even though I thought my body knew what to do, it is going to start failing...

I called her back and said that I hope she can get ahold of me before our flight at 145... and I said if she has to leave a message to please be specific as to the reason for her call....

Ugh.

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Cold, etc.

Along with some great memories, I came back from spending the weekend celebrating my little brother's graduation with a stubborn cold, too.

I am never sick, and since it didn't start until I got to his state, I thought at first maybe it was allergies to something in the air there, but when my symptoms hung around well after we got home, I guess I picked a dumb cold up somewhere.

I went out and got my mom's solution to colds when we were younger: ingredients for a cocktail!! A sick-child cocktail, that is....Orange/grapefruit juice plus sprite/ginger ale. The ultimate placebo.

I also got CVS' version of Tylenol Cold, because apparently Tylenol had some big recall recently, and I went to two stores trying to find it with only empty shelves before I asked a pharmacist for an expanation. And my midwife said the CVS version was okay. I think I might have been the only one ever to call and ask if the generic version was fine to take.

I didn't really want to take any medicine, but I don't want this to balloon into anything worse than a runny nose and occasional cough. And plus, when I woke up this morning and dug out my thermometer from my temping days, it showed 99.2 at 630am, so I definitely don't want the fever to get out of control. (It was 99.6 at about 830am, but has gone back down to between 98.6 and 98.8 since then...)

After getting Mr. A off to work, I have been sleeping on the couch with Banana and Bert. Like literally, except for 15 second intervals of going to the bathroom or blowing my nose or taking a drink of my cocktail, I slept from 730am till about noon. It was even raining to complete the cozy ambiance.

And I know that chocolate frosted mini-donuts and OJ/sprite cocktail isn't exactly a balanced diet, but it is going to have to do for now. Maybe I'll cut up some carrots later this afternoon... Mr. A goes "why don't you make some chicken noodle soup?". Haha :) Oh yah, I totally feel like standing up in the kitchen to put that together....My thought is "Why don't you pick us up some chicken noodle soup for dinner from the deli?" Hahaha :)

But I think Bert has had his fill of sleeping the day away because in the last 10 minutes, he has brought me every one of his toys, as if to say, please play with me!! Hopefully he will accept me playing from the couch...

In the "etc" portion of this post, some (baby) bullets:

• Mr. A recently told me (without me asking first) that my maternity clothes are "hot" and that my little bump is so cute. SWOON.
• Thank you for the comments on my post wondering what you want to read about!!
• I added some belly pics to the ultrasound/belly link to the right -->
• I had never really thought about turning this blog into a book for our baby. That is a really neat idea.
  
• I think I am feeling the baby about once a day! It is so cool, and I am so grateful for this little one.
• We have an ultrasound on Friday morning- praying our hearts out that this baby looks completely healthy!!!
  

Security Blanket

It might be It is time for me to drop my security blanket. My progesterone supplements, that is.

My RE originally told me I could stop them at 10w, but I just couldn't. So starting today, I'm going to wean myself off. I had been doing two supp's per day, and for the next week, I will just do one. Jury is out on whether I will then go to every other day for a week, and then every 3 days, and then.... HA.

I sort of want to ask my midwife on Friday if I can have my progesterone checked, but I am not sure if she will agree that it's necessary, i.e. if insurance will pay for it. It's emotionally difficult to drop the supplements, although I know that "everyone" drops them around the 12w mark with no massive problems.

It goes along with the theme that PAI women realize quickly and surprisingly that even though infertility is filled with tests and medicines and strategies and plans and checkups, those at least provided security during infertility.

Or, at least in my case on a number of failure occasions (e.g., especially, my cancelled IVF, and my subsequent failed IVF), they made me feel awful and torn and alone and scared, but I still had some result or some dosage that told us what was next on the list and that we were still going after this infertility monster.

So, even though my infertility security blanket often brought insecurity, at least it was there.

And perhaps instead of tests and med dosages for a blanket, I now have nausea and tiredness and maybe the very beginning of a little baby bump, but those are so subjective, and you know how scared infertile people are of reading too much into symptoms.

At least for a thankfully low-risk pregnancy so far, my PAI security blanket has been thin but has brought only contentment and rest and reassurance. I go for my 2nd midwife appointment on Friday, where we will be praying to hear our little one's heartbeat using doppler.

Hoping and praying that our blanket continues to gain strength and warmth and goodness with each appointment and that our little one will be here happy and healthy in October.

catching up (updated)

i am still here!

let's just start with what's on my mind: we had sex monday night and last night i had one wipe of light brown. an hour later (because you know i couldn't sleep), it was back to nothing, and it still nothing this morning.

but seriously, commence freak out.

in my head, i know that this type of thing after sex is very common, but i would give my left arm to be able to confirm that things are still okay with our little one. but because it is so common, i feel a little silly calling my midwife about it, especially since i already have my previously-scheduled 12w3d appointment next friday. would they really just let me run in, and hopefully they could just run the doppler of my stomach, find the heartbeat, and then let me go? that would be awesome, but i would bet more strongly that they would just tell me that unless it picks up/turns red, it will be fine.

which of course is little consolation to someone who is pregnant after infertility.

i still have other symptoms, so i am not entirely worried, but i honestly dont even know how i slept a wink last night.

it doesnt help that yesterday i was blessed with the most awful gas pains i have ever had and nothing i did the entire day would help! i was praying the whole day that i was "feeling" the pains correctly to be gas, and not that something was wrong with our little one. i finally read my "what to expect" book that suggested hot lemon water, and that worked like a charm!!! wow, sweet relief. but, any kind of abdomen pain is a catastrophe for a pregnant after infertility-er (i'm just going to coin a new acrynoym for that: PAI).

being PAI is still surreal most of the time. i can't believe it is me who is 11w1d today. i can't believe that this baby is here without any intervention or medicine. i can't believe it's me who is going maternity shopping with my aunt and cousin in a few weeks.

just 3 months ago, we were watching embryo adoption educational videos. we were preparing to save the whole year to be able to have another shot at a child.

in July last year, i was reflecting on the fact that we had decided against further treatments/procedures for the indefinite future. i thought everyone would move on to PAI except us.

but here i am, gratefully pregnant for another sunrise. i am so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby.

i will keep you posted if i call my midwife. i so appreciate all your prayers for us and for our little one!!

update! i called my midwife and her nurse called me back- nothing to worry about especially since it has stopped and there was no cramping. of course, if it turns red.... ;-)

An infertile walks into an OB office...

Actually, it is my normal ob/gyn's office. And, by some cosmic wierdness, I think there were probably 8 other women in the waiting room, and they were all visibly pregnant. It must have been Divine intervention that the times in the last three years that I've gone there for my annual appointments there were only older women and younger (not visibly pregnant, if they were) women there.

So I filled out all the intake paperwork (because, of course I had left the exact same paperwork that they had mailed me and that I had filled out...at home). I get called back, and the tech asks me what I weighed before I was pregnant.

Time sort of stood still at that point- I couldn't believe that I am here, talking about me being pregnant. I am going to pee in a cup, and the test they do will be like the 6 I've done in the past month that were all positive.

Turns out I am up one pound from what I weighed in August. I consider that to be not too shabby, considering I ate (and drank) plenty of extra calories over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess I may have weighed more 4 weeks ago, but with the nausea that so pleasantly reminds me that there's a little one along for the ride, I may have lost some recently (just by not wanting to eat anything). I refuse to buy a bathroom scale, so day-to-day, I am blissfully ignorant.

The midwife is awesome. I am so glad I decided to see her. She didn't even blink an eye when she asked me about what I'd written on the "questions or concerns about this pregnancy". It went something like this:

Having struggled with infertility, I imagine I will be fairly "needy" when it comes to this pregnancy- as far as hearing the heartbeat often and coming for ultrasounds as often as possible/safe/waranted. That being said, I haven't had any indication that there is anything wrong, and I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby!"

Yes, I wrote that I am going to be needy on a medical form!!! Hahaha :) I was cracking myself up, but the midwife needed to know this!!! She responded with wonderful empathy and interest in what we'd been through. It was perfect.

Since my last annual was just in August and it was normal, they didn't do another pap. THANK THE LORD. And I do mean, thank God. Because I was really nervous about someone messing with my cervix right now. I was going to beg and plead to not have one if they were going to make me.

I asked her about ultrasounds, and she said that basically only two are authorized under normal circumstances- one to confirm/date the pregnancy, and the big 20-week one. (I declined the NT scan and the other malady scans- it wouldn't change what we'd "do" about the pregnancy, and I think if there were even a tiny thing wrong or even debatable, I'd spend the rest of my pregnancy worrying about it.)

I may have neglected to interrupt her here and tell her that we already had one at 6w2d. I don't know if that is hugely shameful or not, but I am hoping that (from insurance perspective), this one will still be covered because it is the first from the OB office. It's not like I was under the RE's care when we conceived, so.... AND, it is good to have another one to confirm that the baby is growing healthily and the dates we thought are still on track. RIGHT??

Then she told me that this ultrasound would be transvaginal, and had I ever had one? I've had hundreds, I told her! She laughed, because she realized as soon as she said it that I would have had some from all the procedures last year.

The ultrasound tech was fast! My midwife was in the room, too, and she was rubbing my shoulder when the baby came onto the screen. I think she knows how much this little one means to us, and how blessed we feel. The baby looks right on track- even wiggling some!- and has a heartbeat of about 150. She said that was great, and the ultrasound tech told me that she had struggled with infertility, too, so she knew how I felt. They gave me 4 pictures! I added a new page for ultrasounds (to the right, above my ticker), so if you want, you can see what I think is the best one.

I still have a hard time believing that this is all happening. It is extremely difficult to put into words how grateful I am, and how amazing it is that this baby is here and growing perfectly! After all we tried last year (and the two-plus years prior) that failed, I really didn't think that we would ever have success on our own. I am speechless with how remarkable it is that there is a wiggling PERSON inside my very own womb whose heart is beating and who is growing up a storm. I am not taking one second of this experience for granted- it is really sad to me how many women take pregnancy and children as totally routine and normal and boring.

I honestly was 2% sure that God would bless us with a baby (pregnancy), and probably 0.5% sure that it would be the old-fashioned way. Just goes to show you that your estimations of what God has in store for you have a good chance of being way off. If you are still waiting for your miracle baby today and your mother's heart is broken, perhaps this verse (which is one of my top three post-it'ed on my computer) will comfort and encourage you today. I can't tell you how many times I repeated it to myself in the darkest of times! God's purpose of expanding your family cannot be thwarted!!!

I know that You can do all things,
and that
no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
(Job 42:2)