Thanks for praying, and Revisiting ttc stuff

I've been meaning to update since last Friday, when we held the neighborhood potluck and raised over $1000 for the family who lost their home!!!  There are a few neighbors who I know personally who didn't come for extremely lame reasons, and so while I'm disappointed in them, we had an overall perfect turnout (not too big, not too small), the family felt surrounded by supportive friends, and we even met some young families in the neighborhood that we can now hang out with!!  Win, win, win, for sure :)  Thank you for praying for the event and for the family :)

A few days ago, I was talking to one of our neighbors, and he said that someone remarked to him that I was just glowing during the dinner.  And I think I probably was, because throwing parties is totally in my element, but the word "glowing" has really tough connotations for an infertile/infertility survivor.  I mean, other than maybe a bonfire, I don't know any other common use of the word except to describe a pregnant person.  And it just brought me back to when my acupuncturist described me as glowing before I ever knew I was pregnant with M.  And since the potluck was a couple days before I think I ovulated, I'm now in the early 2ww, and that comment, along with the most pronounced "symptoms" I've had since my cycle returned in August, it totally playing tricks with me.  Did you know there is a thing called Early Pregnancy Factor?  As if infertiles need any more encouragement that they can feel symptoms before implantation, hahaahahahahaha.

But you know, we are so in love with Maryanne, that if our family is the three of us, we are totally and completely happy.  I've been praying lately for the wisdom to know when enough is enough, as far as asking the Lord to expand our family again. 

But holy bloating, there better be a good reason for it ;-)

TGIF etc

So glad it is Friday!! It will be so nice to sleep in tomorrow!!

Thanks for all the compliments on baby girl's name :) We are so excited to meet her! In the "All things TMI" file, I think I lost at least a portion of my mucus plug last night! Of course tons of people lose it and don't go into labor any time soon, but I was just so excited that it seems like my body is gearing up to have this baby! I might be feeling a tad more crampy today, but I am not sure if that is my mind playing tricks on me or not. It is sort of a throwback to the endless days of the 2ww's...trying to analyze my "symptoms" without going crazy and knowing the whole time that they could all mean nothing.

An update on my friend who had a less-than-glowing reaction to the name- she says that she really does like the name- she just thought it was a joke because she'd just talked to me on Saturday and I was staunchly against sharing the name, so when I emailed her about it on Monday, she just thought I gave up and made something up to appease her. She nevertheless admits it was her fault. I still don't think it was a very thoughtful way to react to someone telling her the name of their child, even if it WAS a joke! Because how are you to know?! Even if I told her that we were naming her something like "Paint-Can", I think it's the friend's job to say something nice, even if they hate it! Haha!!

I have a few things that we really need from the grocery store (BUTTER being numero uno), but it is POURING rain today, and I don't really want to go out. Not like the store isn't just 15 minutes away or anything, and not like I have anything else to do this afternoon. Unbelievably, after having my concentration at work be completely absent from January till July, I have totally buckled down in August and this month, and I am sitting in a great position every day at 1pm when I turn off my computer... lest I don't get to turn it on the next morning!

Yesterday, I had lunch with two girls from my prenatal yoga class, and we sat and ate and talked for just over two hours! It was SO nice, and I really hope I have made some lifelong friends. One is due Oct 1 (just a few days ahead of me), and the other is due Dec 28. We talked about all kinds of things (not just baby stuff), and I am so grateful to have met them. It is nice to have the common bond/interest in how yoga helps us to be the healthiest as possible going into labor and delivery and that kind of carries over into other common things like prioritizing healthy/whole eating and active hobbies and things like that. But it is also nice because we all come from different backgrounds, so it was really neat to find out a little more about our histories and families!

Well I think I will do my best to get myself motivated to run to the store. I don't want to put it off too much longer, and the thought of not having any butter in the house is kind of scary ;-)

Attack of the Nachos (UPDATED!)

You never thought nachos were the predator-type, did you? You just think they are a tasty pile of chips and toppings.

Well, apparently they do have a mean streak and had it out for a chunk of one of my MOLARS. Yes, you are correct. After finishing dinner last night, I felt something rough "in" my tooth, so I went about trying to free it, and when I couldn't and looked in the mirror for help, I saw that some of my tooth was gone!

WHAT???

I guess a benign way of putting it is that I "chipped a tooth" which sounds way more playful and normal than "my tooth broke" or "a chunk of my molar fell off" which sounds like it only happens to people of backwoods status. (I say that with a glut of hilarity, as we totally live in the middle of nowhere farm country!!)

I called my dentist this morning just to see when they opened, and what do you know, the dentist himself answered the phone at 7am. I told him I don't want novocaine or xrays on the account of being pregnant, and he seemed totally agreeable to that and suggested I come in at 10am today and they will see what they can do. (It doesn't hurt, luckily, so I am not feeling any huge rush, but I know it is important that it's looked at.)

This is the dentist we went to at the end of November whose nurse said that kids would come soon enough. Maybe she should get in the business of fortune telling....

UPDATE! Guess what, it was just an old filling that fell out!! WHEWWWWWW!!! Cue major sigh of relief. He said there is no decay so he put some sealant on top, and said it will be fine for now, but eventually I might have to get a crown for it. I'll take it! I was in and out of his office in 20 minutes. Love this dentist!!! Thank you for all your support!

"Fresh" Air Makes Me Sick

Yesterday, our across the street neighbors had their yard treated with some kind of super chemical fertilizer treatment. Not just the granular kind you spread with the green rotater thingy. Like sprayed to the max and smellable from miles away.

This morning at 7:30am, I stepped out the front door with Banana and Bert to go on our morning walk, and the smell of their chemicalled-yard hit me smack in the face. I thought, it's alright, I'll just walk past their house and it'll be fine.

I got 20 yards past their house and knew it would not be fine...

I could have turned around and woken Mr. A up and had him walk them. But I look forward to my morning walk as much as the pups do.

So what else could I do? I tossed some cookies in the middle of the road (luckily the dogs just waited patiently for me to finish), and on we went. It was a beautiful morning and ended up being a really nice walk!

Time for some work in the yard today!

Security Blanket

It might be It is time for me to drop my security blanket. My progesterone supplements, that is.

My RE originally told me I could stop them at 10w, but I just couldn't. So starting today, I'm going to wean myself off. I had been doing two supp's per day, and for the next week, I will just do one. Jury is out on whether I will then go to every other day for a week, and then every 3 days, and then.... HA.

I sort of want to ask my midwife on Friday if I can have my progesterone checked, but I am not sure if she will agree that it's necessary, i.e. if insurance will pay for it. It's emotionally difficult to drop the supplements, although I know that "everyone" drops them around the 12w mark with no massive problems.

It goes along with the theme that PAI women realize quickly and surprisingly that even though infertility is filled with tests and medicines and strategies and plans and checkups, those at least provided security during infertility.

Or, at least in my case on a number of failure occasions (e.g., especially, my cancelled IVF, and my subsequent failed IVF), they made me feel awful and torn and alone and scared, but I still had some result or some dosage that told us what was next on the list and that we were still going after this infertility monster.

So, even though my infertility security blanket often brought insecurity, at least it was there.

And perhaps instead of tests and med dosages for a blanket, I now have nausea and tiredness and maybe the very beginning of a little baby bump, but those are so subjective, and you know how scared infertile people are of reading too much into symptoms.

At least for a thankfully low-risk pregnancy so far, my PAI security blanket has been thin but has brought only contentment and rest and reassurance. I go for my 2nd midwife appointment on Friday, where we will be praying to hear our little one's heartbeat using doppler.

Hoping and praying that our blanket continues to gain strength and warmth and goodness with each appointment and that our little one will be here happy and healthy in October.

catching up (updated)

i am still here!

let's just start with what's on my mind: we had sex monday night and last night i had one wipe of light brown. an hour later (because you know i couldn't sleep), it was back to nothing, and it still nothing this morning.

but seriously, commence freak out.

in my head, i know that this type of thing after sex is very common, but i would give my left arm to be able to confirm that things are still okay with our little one. but because it is so common, i feel a little silly calling my midwife about it, especially since i already have my previously-scheduled 12w3d appointment next friday. would they really just let me run in, and hopefully they could just run the doppler of my stomach, find the heartbeat, and then let me go? that would be awesome, but i would bet more strongly that they would just tell me that unless it picks up/turns red, it will be fine.

which of course is little consolation to someone who is pregnant after infertility.

i still have other symptoms, so i am not entirely worried, but i honestly dont even know how i slept a wink last night.

it doesnt help that yesterday i was blessed with the most awful gas pains i have ever had and nothing i did the entire day would help! i was praying the whole day that i was "feeling" the pains correctly to be gas, and not that something was wrong with our little one. i finally read my "what to expect" book that suggested hot lemon water, and that worked like a charm!!! wow, sweet relief. but, any kind of abdomen pain is a catastrophe for a pregnant after infertility-er (i'm just going to coin a new acrynoym for that: PAI).

being PAI is still surreal most of the time. i can't believe it is me who is 11w1d today. i can't believe that this baby is here without any intervention or medicine. i can't believe it's me who is going maternity shopping with my aunt and cousin in a few weeks.

just 3 months ago, we were watching embryo adoption educational videos. we were preparing to save the whole year to be able to have another shot at a child.

in July last year, i was reflecting on the fact that we had decided against further treatments/procedures for the indefinite future. i thought everyone would move on to PAI except us.

but here i am, gratefully pregnant for another sunrise. i am so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby.

i will keep you posted if i call my midwife. i so appreciate all your prayers for us and for our little one!!

update! i called my midwife and her nurse called me back- nothing to worry about especially since it has stopped and there was no cramping. of course, if it turns red.... ;-)

*crickets*

HI! I am back :) My brother and his girlfriend came to visit us on their spring break, and so between trying to work really hard in the mornings (before they got up at, you know, 10:30-11am) and hanging out with them the rest of the day, I didn't really have time to post this week!

But everything is going really well. Each day that I carry this baby is a miracle to me. I can't believe I am 10w3d- I still have the SIX tests that I took almost SIX weeks ago next to my sink in the bathroom. I am so thankful for this precious child and the opportunity to expand our family in this way. We pray constantly that this little one is healthy and that we will be good parents. I do have nausea and tiredness, but I welcome these symptoms with open arms. I am so grateful, I can't really even put the magnitude of it into words.

I continue to pray for all my bloggy buddies who are waiting for their miracle. Ladies, your miracle will come and it will not be a minute late (Habakkuk 2:3).

An infertile walks into an OB office...

Actually, it is my normal ob/gyn's office. And, by some cosmic wierdness, I think there were probably 8 other women in the waiting room, and they were all visibly pregnant. It must have been Divine intervention that the times in the last three years that I've gone there for my annual appointments there were only older women and younger (not visibly pregnant, if they were) women there.

So I filled out all the intake paperwork (because, of course I had left the exact same paperwork that they had mailed me and that I had filled out...at home). I get called back, and the tech asks me what I weighed before I was pregnant.

Time sort of stood still at that point- I couldn't believe that I am here, talking about me being pregnant. I am going to pee in a cup, and the test they do will be like the 6 I've done in the past month that were all positive.

Turns out I am up one pound from what I weighed in August. I consider that to be not too shabby, considering I ate (and drank) plenty of extra calories over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess I may have weighed more 4 weeks ago, but with the nausea that so pleasantly reminds me that there's a little one along for the ride, I may have lost some recently (just by not wanting to eat anything). I refuse to buy a bathroom scale, so day-to-day, I am blissfully ignorant.

The midwife is awesome. I am so glad I decided to see her. She didn't even blink an eye when she asked me about what I'd written on the "questions or concerns about this pregnancy". It went something like this:

Having struggled with infertility, I imagine I will be fairly "needy" when it comes to this pregnancy- as far as hearing the heartbeat often and coming for ultrasounds as often as possible/safe/waranted. That being said, I haven't had any indication that there is anything wrong, and I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby!"

Yes, I wrote that I am going to be needy on a medical form!!! Hahaha :) I was cracking myself up, but the midwife needed to know this!!! She responded with wonderful empathy and interest in what we'd been through. It was perfect.

Since my last annual was just in August and it was normal, they didn't do another pap. THANK THE LORD. And I do mean, thank God. Because I was really nervous about someone messing with my cervix right now. I was going to beg and plead to not have one if they were going to make me.

I asked her about ultrasounds, and she said that basically only two are authorized under normal circumstances- one to confirm/date the pregnancy, and the big 20-week one. (I declined the NT scan and the other malady scans- it wouldn't change what we'd "do" about the pregnancy, and I think if there were even a tiny thing wrong or even debatable, I'd spend the rest of my pregnancy worrying about it.)

I may have neglected to interrupt her here and tell her that we already had one at 6w2d. I don't know if that is hugely shameful or not, but I am hoping that (from insurance perspective), this one will still be covered because it is the first from the OB office. It's not like I was under the RE's care when we conceived, so.... AND, it is good to have another one to confirm that the baby is growing healthily and the dates we thought are still on track. RIGHT??

Then she told me that this ultrasound would be transvaginal, and had I ever had one? I've had hundreds, I told her! She laughed, because she realized as soon as she said it that I would have had some from all the procedures last year.

The ultrasound tech was fast! My midwife was in the room, too, and she was rubbing my shoulder when the baby came onto the screen. I think she knows how much this little one means to us, and how blessed we feel. The baby looks right on track- even wiggling some!- and has a heartbeat of about 150. She said that was great, and the ultrasound tech told me that she had struggled with infertility, too, so she knew how I felt. They gave me 4 pictures! I added a new page for ultrasounds (to the right, above my ticker), so if you want, you can see what I think is the best one.

I still have a hard time believing that this is all happening. It is extremely difficult to put into words how grateful I am, and how amazing it is that this baby is here and growing perfectly! After all we tried last year (and the two-plus years prior) that failed, I really didn't think that we would ever have success on our own. I am speechless with how remarkable it is that there is a wiggling PERSON inside my very own womb whose heart is beating and who is growing up a storm. I am not taking one second of this experience for granted- it is really sad to me how many women take pregnancy and children as totally routine and normal and boring.

I honestly was 2% sure that God would bless us with a baby (pregnancy), and probably 0.5% sure that it would be the old-fashioned way. Just goes to show you that your estimations of what God has in store for you have a good chance of being way off. If you are still waiting for your miracle baby today and your mother's heart is broken, perhaps this verse (which is one of my top three post-it'ed on my computer) will comfort and encourage you today. I can't tell you how many times I repeated it to myself in the darkest of times! God's purpose of expanding your family cannot be thwarted!!!

I know that You can do all things,
and that
no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
(Job 42:2)

What a weekend

Long story short, Banana is still in the hospital. We need her combined calcium and phosphate levels to be below 60; we have gone from 81 (Thurs) to 60 (Friday) to 75 (Saturday) to 46 (Sunday) to 58 (this morning's), so we elected to keep her in one more day to make sure they don't go above 60 again. As far as we can tell, they should stay below 60, but we want to be sure. We are praying we can bring her home tomorrow morning.

Now for the long story, if you're interested in having something to read while draining your first cup of coffee :)

If you didn't already know, we live in a pretty rural area. Our vet is great, but the first impression of the emergency vet clinic is kind of unorganized, helter skelter, and fly by the seat of their pants. They are only open 6pm-8am, so you have to take your dog from your vet to their clinic and then pick up your dog again in the morning and take her back to the vet.

We show up there on Thursday night, and the vet there is very nice, but the techs don't seem to know how to work the accounting/computer system. We wanted to pay the full amount of the estimate, but they told us that we could only pay half. We leave Banana there, and plan to pick her up in the morning.

Friday morning comes, and I go to pick her up. The tech tells me that our bill is $250 more than the estimate. She says that the girl who entered the estimate the night before entered it as an invoice and not an estimate, so the billing is all messed up, and even though it seems like we have been double billed, we haven't. I just pay the balance, and I make sure I keep both receipts to go over carefully later.

Anna spent the day Friday at our vet's office, and her levels were 60. We are thinking, yay, she is going to come home tonight. Nope. Our vet says that she needs fluids overnight, so we have to take her back to the emergency vet. During the day, I've gone over our bills from the emergency vets, and I have come up with that they owe us $151. So when I take her to the emergency vet on Friday night, I tell them that, and they get all huffy. They tell me that they manager will not be in until Monday and that they will see what they can do and call me in a few hours. As far as the estimate this night, they tell me I *have* to pay it in full, which is totally opposite of what the tech on Thursday night said. This time when I leave Banana, she is barking, and I am in tears.

I get home, and Mr. A tells me that he thinks they owe us $250. He is really mad (at the emergency vet), and I am just upset because this is so much to take in. I felt awful leaving her there Friday night, knowing she was barking, and feeling zero confidence in their bookkeeping, honesty, and compassion.

By the way, they never called us about the bill Friday night.

Saturday morning I go to pick her up, and the vet there says that her levels that morning were 75. Yuck. She has to remain on fluids again. I told them that we are not happy with the care and treatment (of us) at their clinic, and we would be taking Banana to a 24-hour clinic in a bigger town 40 minutes away. She seems stunned. But I hold my ground. We are not dealing with these rough people anymore! They decide to credit us $165, and I told them that we still feel we hve been overbilled and that we'd like to talk to the manager. They told us that the manager does not usually interact with clients. HAAAAA!! I told her we will need to talk to her anyway. They also told me that they couldn't show me how they came up with a credit of $165, which is different than the numbers that me and Mr. A came up with!

At this point I am bawling in the emergency vet lobby. I am upset that Banana is not better yet, that we will have to pay more money, that I am tired of all the running around we are having to do to take her here and there, that I paid the huge bill without disputing it on the spot, and that I am supposed to be home getting our house ready for my aunt and cousin to visit!!! I called our vet, and through sobs, I tell her the situation and that we are moving Banana to the other clinic.

Mr. A straightens up the house while I take Banana to the other clinic. From the second I step into the door, I can tell this place is different. For the first time in 3 hours, I stop crying. Everyone is gentle, patient, and compassionate. They take the time to explain and comfort. They have marble countertops in the exam rooms, for heaven's sake. And, if you can believe it, their prices are lower than our dinky rural clinic's. They call the owners every morning and evening to give updates. They know exactly how to handle their accounting, and I walk out of there feeling 100% confident that they will help Banana get better. Finally, a sigh of relief.

My aunt and cousin made it to my house before me :) I told my cousin about our baby, and she was so excited! My aunt brought our little one their first books, and she brought me some lollipops for when I don't feel good! She is so amazing! We met my friend (who incidentally just got her BFP #6 on Friday) and her daughters (who are my cousin's age) for lunch, and we had a great time! We came home, hung out with Mr. A and Bert, went to church, and made my lentil soup (from Friday's recipe) and some pizza.

Yesterday morning, we got up at 4am (yes, FOUR IN THE MORNING). My cousin was performing (singing) at a pretty big concert hall and had to be there at 830am. Luckily, our timing was perfect, and we dropped her off. We had to wait a bit for a breakfast place to open, but we enjoyed some good food and took a walk in the big city streets until we had to be back for her performance at 12:30. She did great, and we were home by 5:30pm.

I fell asleep at 8pm. Ha!!

I am feeling a little off these days, but I am welcoming it :) I am just hoping and praying we see a healthy little heartbeat on Thursday!! I am trying not to worry or go.ogle. I am trusting my body to know what to do to support this little one!!!

Bert misses Banana something awful. We are praying she can be home tomorrow! It will make both of them so happy to be together again!

Life Changing: There are two lines this time

Yes, you read that correctly.

I took a test this morning, and there are two lines. For the first time in 3+ years of trying. I am still kind of speechless.

Back in October, I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine (are you still reading, SG?), and through our discussion, I came to read Isaiah 66:14. I thought it was such a perfect verse, and I knew I wanted to memorize it so that I could pray first thing whenever I found that we were going to be expecting a baby. Here is what it says:

You shall see,
Your heart will rejoice,
Your body will flourish like the grass,
And all shall know that the hand of the Lord is upon His servants.

So I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to my work computer monitor. Every day since then, I've repeated those words and imagined praying them after getting a positive test. Many days, it seemed like that day would never get here.

This morning, I got that opportunity. I couldn't even do anything else. I sat on the edge of the tub, holding the positive test, tears in my eyes, and praying thanksgivings and repeating this verse.

I went to get the Harley baby pj's that I bought probably 4 years ago, and I woke up a groggy Mr. A to tell him the news. Even in our sleepiness, the excitement was evident and the pups came running upstairs with their tails wagging!! It was very cute. It is a moment I will never forget.

I am going to get some blood drawn for HCG and progesterone, but I am having some symptoms (bb tenderness, some tiredness, headaches if I don't drink enough water), and I am trusting my body to know what to do. I think I am going to order the circle+bloom pregnancy series soon! I loved their natural cycle program!!

It is very surreal to be here. After all the meds, all the procedures, and all the tests that failed last year, here we are, having taken nary a medication since October. We have done nothing for the last three months but eat healthy (natural & organic), take vitamins (wheatgrass, royal jelly, vitamin D3, CoQ10, and prenatal), focus on being happy (yoga, meditation) with what we have (and not pine for what we don't), and go to acupuncture. And somehow, our miracle is here. The old fashioned way. Our precious baby is due on October 4!

We are praying like crazy that our baby is happy and healthy and that we will have a happy and healthy full-term pregnancy.

I have so many reflections. On pregnancy after infertility. On this timing. On what to do with telling my college friends. On how it feels to cry happy tears in church.

I know that I have a few new readers and that I'm new to reading several of you, and I know everybody says this, but I hope you will still stop by, but I understand if it's too much sometimes. I will document my pregnancy just as I have documented my infertility, not with surveys and objectivity, but with sensitivity, longing, and spirituality. I want to try to add another page with any questions I have that specifically relate to babies/pregnancy. I will still do Food on Friday, and I will still talk about our pups.

As Whitney graciously commented recently, one thing I love about my blog (title especially), is that I try to emphasize that this is all a journey. I think it will be applicable to almost any stage of my life, and I fully imagine I will be full of infertility-related reflections during this new leg of my life's journey.

One of my best friends just triggered for her first femera cycle. I texted her first thing!! She has said over and over that our positive test has given her so much hope. That is what I pray for all my readers. I hope that in whatever stage of infertility (or life, in general) you are in, our journey- our "all the way"- will give you hope that all of your heartache will be redeemed someday!!!

Zzz..

I just took a 2-hour nap in the middle of the day.

During which, I had a dream that some bad guys were canvassing our neighborhood stealing everyone's gas grills.

At 10dp3dt, I could definitely have tested again this morning, but as I told my friend K today, at this point, ignorance is bliss. Technically, I'm still PUPO, despite the negative yesterday. Even though I do not have any telltale symptoms, alot of people don't at this point. I don't really think the PIO has given me even PIO-induced symptoms, as I've been on it since the ER, and I haven't had any "symptom" since starting it.

I think by the grace of God, we are still hoping and praying for a miracle positive on Thursday. (Read an excellent post on hope at The Pugh's.) I think Mr. A is more confident that we're pregnant than I am at this point. And as he is the leader of our family, I'm going to follow him on this one for sure!

Sort of a boring post, but I am still kind of dragging after my nap! Thank you for all the prayers for my grandpa. The thought that I could potentially tell him that his first great-grandchild is on the way brings tears to my eyes!

neg

So at 9dp3dt, I decided to take the only test I have, and it was negative. Supposedly, according to the 3dt "what happens", HCG just got started yesterday, but come on. Tons of people get their BFP's earlier than 9dp3dt. I won't be testing again till beta on Thursday.

I don't really have any symptoms except for some mild cramping on and off, and some fairly noticeable bloating.

Against all reason, we're still hoping it could be too early and that we'll get a miraculous surprise. It'd be one of those things that is so cliche and perfect.....

....mostly because my Grandpa has just been diagnosed with pleu.ral mes.othelioma lung cancer and has been given about 2 months to live.

I mean, isn't that what happens? A close relative passes away and then there's a new baby?

Rumbling

Breaking news, There is some rumbling or vibrating or bubbling going on down in the baby's house. Not gurgling, like literally rumbling from the inside!! I hope there is some serious digging in going on! Anyone else had rumbling?

At 5dp3dt, the only "symptoms" I'm having is this new rumbling, sudden onsets of tiredness throughout the day (but not necessarily in the evening), return of the bloating, and on-and-off cramping (the whole spectrum from pinchy to just achey) since 2dp3dt. My bbs don't hurt AT ALL.

This rumbling is weird. It's happening right now! If I look hard enough, I think I can see my shirt moving!

Lord, please allow me to carry this baby to be born happy and healthy in January!!

Banana has been needing alot of attention lately, with lots of doggie protest if I don't give it to her. Mr. A is convinced she knows she's not the only child anymore...

Haha!

My progesterone is NINETY-THREE! HAAAAAA!! I am just cracking up!! I mean, how hilarious is that, given my blah progesterone history?! My estrogen is also good at 376 (they want it to be over 200). Could it be that my hormones (hormoneys) are actually cooperating this time?!

(Incidentally, my daily devotion today is about Eph 3:20-21, and about God doing immeasurably more than we can imagine!)

So needless to say, that put a smile on my face. I am truly revelling in being pregnant and loving every minute of it! Come on, baby!

Yesterday afternoon I felt pretty awful- nauseous, period-type crampy, tired, etc. I'm thinking it is party progesterone and partly baby. HA. Work with me, here! Today (3dp3dt) my back is killing me, and I am feeling some cramps sometimes and some pinchy feelings. Snuggle in tight, little one!

We have been praying like crazy that God is going to allow this baby to stay. We are so amazingly excited at the possibility, and so humbled at the opportunity. We are so blessed! Yesterday my great-great aunt (who is battling uterine cancer- please pray for her) sent me a beautiful card out of the blue that was so encouraging- I'm taking it as a little pick me up from above!!

Getting closer

11dpiui here.

I am having a hard time with the emotions this 2ww. You know, the impatience, frustration, annoyance, sadness, fear sort of things. It is so unlike me to be this way- which I think is why I'm having such a hard time with them. Yesterday I was so snappy at Mr. A, before and after church! I didn't even mean to be being snappy! (Not to mention, how disrespectful and ungrateful after receiving the half a dozen roses and the cutest card I have ever seen?!) And even IN church, I whispered some things that were really uncalled for ("hey, your coat smells like smoke" (his friend smokes all the time so he ends up smelling like it sometimes!)). I mean, really, was that necessary? Then I pretty much had big tears streaming down my face for the last couple of songs because they were all about God going before us and us not being afraid and God turning night into day, and I just couldn't hold it together! Then I continued to be tearful all the way to the car, just apologizing for how I was being!

Haha! I was a mess!!

Luckily, Mr. A is the best nap-tucker-in person, and he tucked me and Banana in for a nice nap while he did some overtime in the kitchen. That seemed to help alot- I was not overcome with emotion for the rest of the day! We had a really nice day in the end, and we ended up getting chinese take out from our favorite place for a special dinner treat- of course I was oblivious that it was also the Chinese New Year! That has to be a good coincidence, doesn't it? Haha.

I think alot of people are wondering (Mr. A and I, especially) if it's just the progesterone meds. I have been on them before- is it likely that they'd affect me differently cycle-to-cycle? I have never experienced this before. Of course I'm praying that there's a little baby is to "blame", but I don't really have any other symptoms (of course there are some here and there, but what else is new?).

I think the other reason I might be more on the emotional side is that I'm just nervous of what is next. At this point, we both are peaceful about moving forward with IVF, but we only have enough money in our baby making account for one try. I know it's not up to me to worry about the future, but it's hard not to. We are almost at the end of our baby rope... (Do you hear God chuckling at my limited viewpoint?...)

And yet all the while I'm being conflicted with all of this stuff, I'm just praying that God has a happy, healthy baby for us this time, and above all that I know we'll see His hand in the creation of our family. It is becoming fairly taxing to be praying for two different outcomes. Here's praying that we find out which road He has for us very soon...

Short and Sweet

7dpiui progesterone=16.1! (yesterday)

So, that is all fine and good, and I'm trying not to be disappointed/freaked out that last cycle it was 20.1 and no pregnancy. But, my nurse/doc was very happy with that at 7dpo, and to make myself feel better I found online that the average progesterone at 4w is 20, so (assuming I'm pregnant, of course), I should be at 20 in another week, right? (Correct answer: "YES!") Hahahaha :)

After getting the bloodtest, I went to get a Valentin.e's Day card for Mr. A. I had to chuckle at the selection. ALL the "for husband" cards were pretty much gone! ALL the "for wife" cards were still stocked to the gills! Who hasn't bought their card yet, I wonder???

Recently, we got a hand grain mill because we have wanted to try to make our own (non processed) flour! Well, we tried it out last night, and we now have beautiful freshly-milled wheat flour! I am going to try to make a loaf of honey wheat this afternoon :) Y'all are invited :)

PS. Banana has been SO cuddly the last few days. Hoping she's picking up on someone else snuggling in before I can tell....

Recipe

I think it is hilarious that the day after my neighbor rant, my great online buddy Erica writes a post about how great my attitude is!! Hahahaha!! Yes, I think because I am so predisposed to actually having a great attitude, I do feel really bad when I don't. Call me crazy! Thank you all for your encouragement in my hysteria ;-)

I will say, though, that I have never experienced myself with such impatience and ease of frustration. I think it is too early for real pregnancy hormones to be kicking in, so at this point I'm chalking this up to a new symptom that probably means nothing! That list is almost off the page, I tell ya!

And since the first week of the 2ww is the boringest time ever, I am posting one of my new favorite recipes for your eating enjoyment!!

Taco Pizza

**8 oz bulk sausage (or I guess you could use ground beef, but the flavoring of the sage sausage is our favorite!)
**3/4 cup chopped green pepper
**1 can of refrigerated pizza dough (I used a can of french bread dough and then unrolled it very carefully, but it would probably be very easy just to get the pizza dough. I should also note that I usually make my own pizza dough, but I wanted to try this in the interest of super fast not-so-much-prep pizza...)
**Salsa to cover pizza dough surface
**2 cups shredded taco cheese (or as much as you want!)

Cook the sausage and green pepper until meat is browned and pepper is tender. Set aside. Unroll dough, and set on a greased baking sheet. Spread salsa on top of the dough, top with meat mixture, and sprinkle with cheese. Bake in a 400F oven for about 20 minutes or until cheese is melted to your liking.

It is YUMMY!!!!

I am not brave

Hello, I am a chicken ;-)

I didn't test, but neither is it CD1. Welcome to 15dpo. My temp was 98.5- still WAY high for this point in the game for me- especially because I got up an hour before for a drink of water, so it wasn't like I'd been laying there for 4 consecutive hours, or whatever it's supposed to be.

I just want the test to be so positive I don't even have to look at it twice. If I wait till 16dpo, it should be that way, right?

I don't really feel like AF is coming. My face is all clear, except my cheeks have been red for the last 4ish days- I always look like I've come in from a cold outside or something. I am still pretty tired feeling, I haven't had any spotting, I had a slight tightening feeling this morning in the uterus area, but (you are going to laugh at this description, and I will feel especially idiotic if I get AF tomorrow) the tightening/sort of cramp thing kind of felt like it was squeezing a ball...like how a stress ball would feel if you squeezed it. HA!! I have officially lost it ;-)

Only God knows what is in store- tomorrow I plan to call the RE regardless. I'll either be asking for a beta or setting up a CD3 u/s... praying it's the former....

Almost There

This week has been pretty busy at work/home/volunteering...thus the lack of posting!! Now it's time for me to catch up on everyone!!

Here is the gist: yesterday I felt like total crap. The second day of a headache, exhausted, impatient, and just a general dragging feeling. When I sit or lay down, it feels like I weigh 800 lbs- like there is this huge force of gravity holding me down. Mr. A had to help one of his buddies move a ginormous fish tank, and in his absence, I fell asleep at 730pm and didn't wake up till 930pm when he called to say he was on his way home. I felt sort of hungry, but nothing really sounded good.

At 13dpo, a girl doesn't take feeling like crap lightly, you know? Nor do I take a temp of 98.61 on 13dpo, and 98.62 at 14dpo (today) lightly, either. (Mind you, I haven't been temping at all, so I have nothing before 13dpo to compare that to, but I was just curious....but when I was temping, I only hit 98.6 once in my whole temping career and it was on 11dpo and it fell like a rock the very next day). And I would like to note that I never got a headache on 9dpo (which had been the norm), and even those past headaches did not last more than an afternoon.

Too bad I had to pee at 3am, so I wasn't sure if it'd be concentrated enough for a positive test at 630am ;-) (Plus I am a chicken anyway. Good excuse for not testing, huh?)

I am really trying hard not to run away with all of these symptoms. It is pretty tough. I have so much hope.

But stupid doubt creeps in and makes me even more worried that even though I feel like this, it's probably just the progesterone supplements, and that the test tomorrow (or Friday, haha) will be negative anyway.

After I spoke at the church on Sunday, this lady comes up to me to sign up to be a volunteer, and she was telling me that before her family moved here, they had looked up our center and wanted to make that part of their lives, and that the previous night, she had laid in bed thinking that she should call our center to get more information, and how, when I spoke about our center the very next morning, all she could think was "Wow, God's timing is so cool."

Yes, yes it is.

Have you ever had one of those experiences? Where all of a sudden everything lines up and works out and is crystal clear and you feel like angels are about to appear in the heaven's? I haven't. I pray that God might bless me with one of those soon (like, you know, tomorrow, when the test is positive!!!). Or even if it isn't positive tomorrow, that we'd be blessed with crystal clear discernment. I want the last line of my testimony about this journey to be "Wow, God's timing is so cool."

I know He won't disappoint.

Sticky Notes!!

This is my new favorite website to play with- making online sticky notes!!!



Thank you so much for your continued prayers! I am feeling pretty decently assured that I might actually be pregnant- I have never quite had these kind of changes in the bb area before- even Mr. A has now made a comment!! (Of course, there is the disclaimer that I know all of these things people have normally without being pg! Remember, I'm going with my gut for the first time ever?) But I am offering up all these things to the will of God- He alone knows at this point!! My friend K and are hanging in there together- she is 14dpo, and I'm 11. We are hundreds of miles apart, but we have talked every day for the past week to compare what is going on. We have been praying that the Lord would grant us the blessing to be pg buddies after this IF struggle, but above all we have been lifting praises for blessings that have been bestowed on us regardless of whether we've been given baby blessings or not.

You should make your own online sticky! It is so fun!