So much to say

I barely know where to begin. Life with Maryanne has been really great. We are getting to know her little personality and her cues and what she needs from us to be a happy baby. It is such an honor to be her parents.

I guess a short and sweet update would be good. I have a ton to write about each of these topics, but for now, it will be good for me to at least get some bullet points out to help me organize my thoughts.

• We started breastfeeding in the hospital, where it was clear that she preferred the left side. My milk really never came in when it was supposed to, though, and after many times of trying to feed her that way and having nothing there to drink, she became very frustrated with the idea of even trying. She has a great latch- she is just impatient or something. Per the lactation consultant, I'm eating oatmeal daily and taking fenugreek. Per her pediatrician, I'm on Metaclopramide (spelling probably not right). Thanks to these things, my milk is now here and it's all Maryanne eats. Long story short, I still offer food from the source, but the vast majority of her feedings are pumped milk in a bottle. I am still bummed from time to time that breastfeeding is not going great, but I am very happy that I can pump enough for her to be doing great on breastmilk alone.
• She is sleeping great at night- at least I think so for a newborn. She basically wakes up every 3-4 hours to eat. She has almost even gotten herself on a normal schedule. We are usually up around midnight and 4am, and then again around 7. I always try to put her back in her packnplay after the last feeding, but she is usually up for good around 730am.
• We had almost 3 straight weeks of out of town company after she was born. We are very grateful everyone was so excited and wanted to meet Maryanne and help, but this past Sunday when it was finally just the three of us for the first time since we left the hospital, it was such a relief.
• Cloth diapering is going AWESOME. We are thrilled at how the prefolds and covers are working, especially that we were able to use them from the time she was 2 days old. I did try a newborn AIO, and it leaked (all over the lactation consultant, haha)- Maryanne's legs aren't chubby enough to fill the gaps, I think! I definitely recommend going the prefold route, especially at first. I do a load of diapers every other day and hang them on the clothes line outside, and no stains so far!
• I can't for the life of me figure out the Moby wrap, but she loves the Ergo carrier! Not so much the newborn insert though- but she seems to be 100% comfortable and safe without the newborn insert (she has pretty good head/neck strength already and her legs stay curled up beneath her when she's in the carrier), so we've just been going sans insert.
• Bert and Banana (the dogs) are doing great. As far as we can tell, they have suffered no ill psychological effects from Maryanne's arrival or presence. They are curious about her and protective when someone new is holding her, but when we tell them that "she's okay", they seem placated and let her be. They haven't exhibited any aggression or jealousy at all.

I think those are the main bullet points. I'm working a few mornings here and there, and it seems to be going okay. Definitely nice on the days when I don't log in, though! I can just sit on the couch and eat bonbons.... haha, right!!

Today's goal is to make brownies for Mr. A :)

Do you have any questions for me about how things are going for us? Leave a comment and I'll try to answer anything you're wondering!!

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

Bee Bop

Well, baby girl was working out or dancing or something this morning! Her heartrate was in the 160's! My appointment time was 11:15, and I didn't get called back until almost a half hour later, and I could feel her squirming around the whole time. That feeling will never get old, that is for sure.

I was kind of hesitant to hop on the scale this time, but I was pleasantly surprised- no weight gain in the last 3 weeks! Yay!! I have changed my diet some to generally follow some glucose intolerance suggestions (since I failed both the 1-hr glucose test and the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr test), so maybe I have been eating slightly less and/or more balanced meals. Either way, I am happy to be at +19lbs at 33w3d. I do feel like my belly has grown, though, so it would seem that baby girl is still getting what she needs!

When the tech checked my blood pressure it was 146/82 (gulp). I knew that was highish, but she didn't say anything about it. She took the hospital pre-registration form that I'd brought with me- holy moley, are we really pre-registered in the birthing suite?!?!?!

My belly measures exactly on target, and baby girl is head down and pretty low, so midwife thinks she will probably be head down for the duration. So happy about this! We do some deep squats in yoga that really encourage babies to move down, and so you aren't really supposed to do them if the baby is breech. So I was very interested to confirm that she is head down- I thought she might be, but it was nice to hear it this morning.

Like I mentioned above, she was moving all around so her heartrate was up, but it didn't seem like the midwife thought that was a problem of any kind. I am sure that baby girl will take a nice long nap later on and then I will want her to be moving around again!!

My midwife said she wanted to recheck my blood pressure, so I laid on my side.... 122/68! Such a relief!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and then I start going every WEEK. That is just unbelievable. I am so grateful to be here- I have loved being pregnant, and as much as I want to meet our baby, I can't wait to be pregnant again! Haha :)

And I just have to say that I love our dogs. There is some random guy doing door-to-door sales right now in our neighborhood (I saw his car yesterday, and it peaked my interest because the county on the license plate is from my hometown, like a 9 hour drive from here....weeeeeeeeeird), and they just went crazy (inside) when he came to our door. Of course I went and looked out the window on the side of the door and waved him away (while they were both barking and jumping and standing on their hind legs- there is no doubt that there are dogs here who will stand up for their fort!); I had to get a look at him so I can describe him to police....because of course those people always creep me out- and to add insult to injury, I caught him glancing in my car windows on his way down our driveway. Move along, creepo! I have two dogs that would love to defend their pregnant mama and their home turf!

Lots (of baby stuff)

I am trying really hard to stay focused at work during the day and not spend all my time reading about baby stuff, doing baby laundry, and wondering how in the heck I went from being sure we would never conceive to doing baby stuff all the time.

But there is alot going on these days.

We bought a doll to try to acclimate our pups to the idea that there will be another human around in a month and a half, and so far they are pretty apathetic unless you make the doll cry and put it right in their face. At which point they just get up and walk away. We've put her in the swing, and turned it on turbo swing (seriously, do babies need six swing speeds?), and blared the obnoxious music that the swing has (again, is music really necessary?), and the dogs just lay there. I know it will be different when our REAL baby is here, but so far we are encouraged by their acceptance of the new stuff we've presented them with.

The doll is pretty close to life-size (18in long- no idea how much she weighs), so we have even put one of our prefolds and covers on her to make sure we aren't going to completely fail at cloth diapering our baby girl. To me (a novice), it looks like at least the doll would be suited up quite nicely with her prefold and cover without any leaks ;-) Hopefully it will be the same for our baby girl.

I've washed all the baby's clothes; hung the 0-3 months dresses and sleepers in her closet, and put her 0-3 months onesies and pants in her dresser. All the blankets, towels, washcloths, and burp cloths have found a place in the nursery, too, and today I just washed and folded all her sheets: crib, pack n' play, and cradle. Tomorrow I plan on washing her mattress cover, and some AIO (all-in-one) diapers that I have yet to prep. Is baby laundry always this fun?

Still on the to-do list is hanging the pictures in her room, setting up the downstairs changing area, figuring out what to put in her diaper bag (do we bring that to the hospital?), and figuring out what to put in our hospital bag (we got a list at our baby prep class- just have to find it). Who am I kidding, I am sure I will think of other things to do... I could spend all day puttering around in her nursery....which is hilarious because with the exception of the bathrooms, it's the smallest room in our house. Do fertile moms do this, too, or is it just because we waited 4 years for this?

Every now and then, I have this urge to write up a manual of our household for when the visitors descend on our house in October. You know, like the ones that the wives write in that show "Wif.e S.wap": e.g., how our house "runs", what kinds of things we eat, how we plan our day, what to buy at the grocery store, how to take care of the dogs, how to not ruin my Calp.halon stainless pots and pans? Maybe even include a section "What to do if you're bored and the baby and I are sleeping or nursing"... And then I chuckle to myself, because I don't know any better example of my type-A personality. But then I rationalize the thought that maybe it would help the nanny that we plan on hiring in February when I return to working (from home) full time. So far, my actual work has prevented me from starting on our manual. But it is definitely being written in the back of my mind...

Prenatal yoga is still going really well. There is another girl who comes to the same class as me who is a few days ahead of me, and I can't believe that we are 33 weeks this week. I mean, it was just yesterday that I was 5 weeks, and 16 weeks, and 20 weeks, wasn't it? It has also been great to meet other expectant moms- I think there are several of us who will keep in touch after our little ones are here. I am really glad to have kept up with exercise while being pregnant :) In our baby prep class at the hospital (where we are also meeting new couple-friends!!....although I sort of feel like an imposter- I never thought I'd be able to identify with young adult couples who are expecting a baby!), we have been "learning" stretches and good postures for laboring and delivering, and they are all things that I have been doing in prenatal yoga since I was 14 weeks, and that helps me feel confident in my desire to have a natural birth! And I'm still walking at least 40 minutes a day- I think some people do a double take when I walk both dogs by myself, but they have been really good lately- even when they see rabbits- I think they know they need to be extra obedient so as not to pull me over!!

We had our maternity pictures taken over the weekend. Our photographer has posted one on her website, and I think she did a great job- I am so excited to see the rest!! I am so glad that we decided to go with her even though at first things were a little unsettled. I think our newborn photos of baby girl will be amazing!! Email me if you want me to send you the link :)

So anyway, I should probably get back to work. I'm hoping to be able to only work half days starting September 12 (I'll be full term on September 13), so I'm trying to make these next few weeks as productive as possible.

I made a commitment to LIVE WELL in 2011, and to live fully and happily no matter what. I never imagined that my life would be wonderfully full of baby things 8 months later; preparing for our baby has brought so much joy already to our home- we can't even imagine how awesome it will be when she is actually in our arms.

{Just so you know: I know this post might/will be really hard for those of you who're still waiting to read, and I added "(of baby stuff)" to the title in case it's just a day where you can't deal with reading a PAIF post. I distinctly remember days when I could not even fathom being able to remotely identify with being pregnant or preparing for a baby, and even though I am going through the preparation motions, it is not lost on me that I thought I'd never do this stuff. My self-imposed PAIF motto comes to mind today and all of these busy days: "When you've been through hell, you tend to appreciate heaven."}

Dogs and Diapers

A year ago today, we met Bert at the SPCA for the first time. I can't believe he's been home for an entire year already!! (Well, almost; we actually brought him home on the 30th).

What is even more hard to wrap my head around is that I'm sitting here today, with Bert running around outside enjoying the cool(ish) morning, and Banana napping on the chair in the living room, and a baby girl thumping around in my belly.

I hope these reflection posts aren't annoying.

Last year, we were getting ready to pour our hearts into a new pup. It was refreshing and exciting for us- a little one who needed some love and direction. We'd had over three years of failed trying for a baby to nurture, and while any infertile will tell you animals are not an exact substitute for a baby, our animals filled a big part of the hole in our family. Bert could not have come into our family at a more crucial time. We loved training him, even in the challenging moments, teaching him what it's like to be a part of our pack. It was so exciting for us to prepare for his arrival- new collar, new bed, new toys. And it is so satisfying to look back on the past year and to see how we have all grown together.

Here I sit again preparing for a new little one. Yesterday morning I started prepping her diapers (prefolds) and wipes, and I'm continuing the process this morning (they are in the 2nd hot wash right now). I have been meaning to start prepping her diapers for a few weeks now, but I was a little afraid. They looked so perfect and new in their packaging- what if I messed them up? But yesterday and today it's supposed to be sunny and almost 100F, so I figured it was time to jump into the diaper prepping so I can line dry them in between washes to save energy. So far so good!!!

It feels so exciting and so weird at the same time to be doing this kind of stuff. Last year, we were so convinced that we'd never welcome a baby into our family, we adopted Bert. I think that celebrating his homecoming and starting to do more "real" baby preparations has caused my head to spin a little bit. I would rather do 18 loads of baby preparation laundry than do my work, and all I can think about while hanging the diapers on the line is all of my friends who are still waiting for their little ones. How last year I was sure that our little one(s) would always only have four paws instead of two hands and two feet.

It is kind of neat to have this blog because it makes me acutely aware of the old cliche of 'what a difference a year makes'. One of my best friends K, who is still struggling with infertility, says that our story has given her hope that one day she will triumph against IF, and be able to look back a year prior and remember how she never thought she would beat it.

After all, a year ago, I never would have dreamed I'd be prepping diapers this summer- instead I was picking up an extra bag of rawhide chips!

If you are feeling like you will never win against IF today, and that your baby will never be in your arms, be encouraged! You never know what the next year will hold :)

Back to Normal

Long story short: I am exhausted!

But the very, very good kind.

Here is a short synopsis of the last week:

-My sister B finished the murals. She did an AMAZING job. My neighbor said our baby's nursery is the cutest one she has ever seen. I am a little biased, but I totally agree. Our baby is so lucky to have such a talented aunt!!

-It was awesome having my sister B here last week- the dogs love her, and it was fun to hang out with her at the pool when she wasn't painting. I think she is one of the few (only?) people who could stay with us for an indefinite period of time and never get on our nerves :)

-Mr. A's mom stayed with us Friday night, and she will not quit asking/pestering/suggesting/nagging about what we are naming this baby! I was SO annoyed, and it did not help lessen the anxiety that I have about them staying here immediately after the baby is born.

-I was treated to an amazing baby shower on Saturday morning. It was so humbling and overwhelming to receive such generosity and prayers and love. My sisters (M and B), my mom, and my aunt hostess-ed it, and it was PERFECT! I was blown away by the number of my friends who traveled to attend, but it was so good to see everyone!!! Our baby girl is so loved and prayed for already!!

-Mr. A's brother came to hang out with him/us this weekend, and while I was at the baby shower, they went up in Mr. A's friend's cessna for an hour! They had an absolute blast!

-After the shower, people came over to hang out and swim before dinner. As much as I wanted to cook after most people left, I just didn't have the mental capacity to throw anything together. Good thing Mr. A, my sister B, and his brother like chinese takeout! ;)

-Sunday, I made pulled pork (for sandwiches) in the crockpot, and we had my parents, my sister M and her hubby, and my sister B over for dinner before everyone traveled home this morning. Before dinner, we played volleyball in the pool, which was so fun! Dinner was very yummy, but since my parents were staying with us last night, we were talking and didn't get to bed until almost 11. Yikes.

-This morning my parents left around 8:30am, and I tried to turn on my computer to work. I really did. But I just could not function. So I took a 3-hour nap. I think the pups are tired, too, because they slept right along with me.

Promise to get a real post up soon!!! :) Hope your Monday is going well :)

no joke!

My sister's talent is no joke! Here is a sneak peak- more to come!!

And thank you for the well wishes for Bert! Both our dogs are up to date on their bordatella shots, but our vet said that is only one thing that can cause Kennel cough. He does have a case of it, but we now have medicine to help him get better!

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Not Quite Right

Just call me the obsessed puppy-mama. Bert is still not completely back to normal. Now instead of having the big-D, I can barely find any evidence of poop in the yard, and he hasn't gone #2 on a walk in several days. And, in the past few days, he has started coughing (or something?) every now and then- especially if he has been running around, but this morning I woke up to him coughing and hacking like something was stuck in his throat. His energy and appetite and sleeping/resting are otherwise normal, which is encouraging, but something is still not quite right. I guess it could be kennel cough, but he didn't have this coughing thing last Sunday when we brought him from the kennel- can it have delayed and only occasional appearance? Also, Banana seems to be completely normal- isn't it super contagious?

I was really looking forward to yoga this morning, but it looks like I might have to make a visit to the vet instead. I am hoping it's nothing serious- will keep you posted :)

ETA: I take the lack of poop in the yard back- I have happened upon several normal looking deposits :) Never have been so glad to see them ;-) But after some googli.ng, I do suspect that Bert has kennel cough. Off to the vet we go today!!

Holy Awful Smell

Bert is going to kill me!!

When we brought him home from the kennel on Sunday, he had a little scratch on his nose. Nothing big, probably just from some doggie rough-housing with the other dogs there. Nothing that neosporin hasn't fixed.

What hasn't been fixed is the diar.rhea that he also had. I am not sure what caused it- maybe stress of being away from home or maybe that in a few baggies of his food, I had to mix some of Banana's variety in there, too, because we were running out of his variety. I took his "sample" to the vet on Tuesday night after I fed the pups because I was just tired of trying to pick that up on our walks. She said he had some bacterial overgrowth, and diagnosed it to be stress-related colitis. She sent me out the door with antibiotics, some special bland food for a few days, and some probiotics.

That food makes him fart like you would not BELIEVE. It is awful!!! Like seriously, I am going keel over.

The worst part is that "conditions" have not improved. (Luckily, he is not going all the time or anything- still just goes at the regular time frames during our walks.) It is not the big-D color anymore (more normal color), but this morning's business was pretty darn goopy. YUCK.

I am thinking of giving him half rice and half of the special food tonight, instead of all the special food. The clear-the-room farting has GOT to go.

Please kick in, antibiotics. Ha!

Time for Pictures

We had a great weekend! I went to the farmer's market on Saturday morning and got the sweetest strawberries I've ever tasted, along with three juicy tomatoes, and most importantly, vegetable plants!!

Our garden was more like a weed patch, aside from the rows of peas, lettuce, and spinach we've planted (one of each) (and we planted them a little late and so our spinach and lettuce aren't doing so swell). I should have taken a "before" picture just so you can appreciate how ridiculous it was.

But, it is already mid-May, and I know we needed to get our little plants in the ground, and since Mr. A was busy with helping our neighbor do some repairs around their house, I decided it was high time baby girl learned what a hoe was and how to plant tomatoes and what an amazing thing compost is!!! (I am so impressed with our compost (we have a rotatable barrel composter). It is so rich and dark, and I know it is full of amazing nutrients!!!)

I had to take more breaks than normal for water and resting, and it took me a good 4 hours to clear all the weeds and prepare the soil, but I am happy to say that our garden is planted, except for cantelopes, pumpkins, and beans. Working on getting those in the ground this week or this weekend (we plant them in another place in the yard)!!

Here are some pictures:

(L to R: peas, lettuce, spinach, zucchini, cucumbers, peppers, paste tomatoes, roma tomatoes, heirloom tomatoes)

(L to R: Mosquito plant, cut peonies from the front flower garden, and a Goblin Gaillardia)

(Some roses our neighbor cut for us from her bush- they smell amazing!!)

(Banana (lighter) and Bert (darker), in their favorite afternoon spot- snuggled up in the sun spot in the front foyer)

Hope your Monday's are off to a good start!

"Fresh" Air Makes Me Sick

Yesterday, our across the street neighbors had their yard treated with some kind of super chemical fertilizer treatment. Not just the granular kind you spread with the green rotater thingy. Like sprayed to the max and smellable from miles away.

This morning at 7:30am, I stepped out the front door with Banana and Bert to go on our morning walk, and the smell of their chemicalled-yard hit me smack in the face. I thought, it's alright, I'll just walk past their house and it'll be fine.

I got 20 yards past their house and knew it would not be fine...

I could have turned around and woken Mr. A up and had him walk them. But I look forward to my morning walk as much as the pups do.

So what else could I do? I tossed some cookies in the middle of the road (luckily the dogs just waited patiently for me to finish), and on we went. It was a beautiful morning and ended up being a really nice walk!

Time for some work in the yard today!

Pregnant after Infertility

It is true what you read, pregnancy after infertility is nothing like pregnancy that normal people encounter. It is very surreal, and it's hard to get used to trusting your body to know what to do after it has failed you so many times before. And I know tons of women say they are so thankful for their babies, but if you are pregnant after infertility, that baby is cherished beyond words.

You might be pregnant after infertility if....

-You purposely don't eat anything in the morning so you feel nauseous and confident that the baby is still okay (and then when you are just about to need the bathroom, you break out the saltines. how do they work so fast?!)
-You say sometimes, I wish I felt worse
-You have studied what happens each day after ovulation, and you know with the deepest of detailed wisdom what a miracle it is for a healthy baby to grow from just two cells
-When you call to schedule your first midwife appointment and they ask "do you have any idea what the first day of your last period was?" you (respectfully) scoff quietly. Do I have any IDEA?!?! My cycle has been the object of my obsession for the last {x} years!!!
-You have an ultrasound and see the heartbeat before 95% of the rest of the population even realizes the heart is beating.
-You do not run out and buy 5 baby books the afternoon of your positive test- maybe 3 weeks later...or 15 weeks later
-It is weird to have restless sleeps and have to pee in the middle of the night, but you will gladly embrace these nighttime rituals so you can get downstairs in the morning and see another day has dawned in your pregnancy!
-You are happy when you eat an egg sandwich that tasted great but then you feel positively awful the rest of the afternoon
-You have taken prenatal vitamins for 2 years already
-You are happy to see bloating and to fall asleep at 8pm
-Everything that is a normal pregnancy complaint is like heaven on earth to you

I don't know how many of my still-waiting bloggy buddies will read this post, but I hope if you do, you will know that you are all still in my prayers!!! God has great surprises in store for you, I just know it!!

PS. Banana's bloodwork has been NORMAL the past two days!! We are so relieved and praying that we are done with that crazy-train for good!!!

Acupuncture Woes

I love(d) going to acupuncture. Although my pulses never really improved (as far as my practitioner could tell), it was one of the au naturel things I had been doing for 4 months before our precious miracle came to be. It is so relaxing, and I have full faith that it was doing good things within my body.

But now that I have to make sure that this little guy/girl stays bubble wrapped and safe inside, I couldn't make up my mind about continuing with acupuncture.

I fully believe that it moves energy around your body and increases circulation here and there and gets rid of blockages. And this is why it (now) makes me nervous.

Right now, my body is at a new steady state that is, from all indications so far, supporting a healthy baby. I worry that if we go poking meridian points that something of my steady state will get off and the baby won't like it.

I have no doubt that my acupuncturist is well-trained and knowledgeable about points that are definitely to be avoided during pregnancy. But what if there are unintended consequences of a supposedly-benign point? From what I have read, some practitioners prefer to treat after the first trimester is over or not until the third one.

I talked with my acupuncturist about this early last week, and she assured me that it is fine for women to receive acupuncture their whole pregnancy; there are points to relieve morning sickness and other uncomfortableness, and there is even a happy/beautiful baby point that supposedly assures you that your child will be the next poster baby for Gap.

I asked her if we could just do ear points, which are less systemic than body points. She didn't seem to think that body points were all bad, so we settled on a treatment plan (for last Thursday) that included the finest needles and relatively few points.

And then Banana decided to eat my vitamins.

So in all the craziness of trying to deal with her first day on fluids, and trying to see where she would go overnight, I canceled my acupuncture appointment last Thursday afternoon. I explained why in my message to her, but I never heard back. Yesterday, I emailed her with the gory details of Banana's continued hospitalization (at this point, I'm just hoping we can pick her up after our u/s on Thursday morning). My acupuncturist emailed me back a short "thanks for the update."

I am somewhat worried that she thinks I am making this doggie catastrophe up, or that I am exaggerating the circumstances. Because how "convenient" would it be for me to have "something" come up when she knows I was nervous about being needled while pregnant.

Blah. I am even back to wondering if I even want to go during the first trimester. Am I being too cautious?

PS. Thank you to whoever submitted our happy news to LFCA! Or however they found out! :)

What a weekend

Long story short, Banana is still in the hospital. We need her combined calcium and phosphate levels to be below 60; we have gone from 81 (Thurs) to 60 (Friday) to 75 (Saturday) to 46 (Sunday) to 58 (this morning's), so we elected to keep her in one more day to make sure they don't go above 60 again. As far as we can tell, they should stay below 60, but we want to be sure. We are praying we can bring her home tomorrow morning.

Now for the long story, if you're interested in having something to read while draining your first cup of coffee :)

If you didn't already know, we live in a pretty rural area. Our vet is great, but the first impression of the emergency vet clinic is kind of unorganized, helter skelter, and fly by the seat of their pants. They are only open 6pm-8am, so you have to take your dog from your vet to their clinic and then pick up your dog again in the morning and take her back to the vet.

We show up there on Thursday night, and the vet there is very nice, but the techs don't seem to know how to work the accounting/computer system. We wanted to pay the full amount of the estimate, but they told us that we could only pay half. We leave Banana there, and plan to pick her up in the morning.

Friday morning comes, and I go to pick her up. The tech tells me that our bill is $250 more than the estimate. She says that the girl who entered the estimate the night before entered it as an invoice and not an estimate, so the billing is all messed up, and even though it seems like we have been double billed, we haven't. I just pay the balance, and I make sure I keep both receipts to go over carefully later.

Anna spent the day Friday at our vet's office, and her levels were 60. We are thinking, yay, she is going to come home tonight. Nope. Our vet says that she needs fluids overnight, so we have to take her back to the emergency vet. During the day, I've gone over our bills from the emergency vets, and I have come up with that they owe us $151. So when I take her to the emergency vet on Friday night, I tell them that, and they get all huffy. They tell me that they manager will not be in until Monday and that they will see what they can do and call me in a few hours. As far as the estimate this night, they tell me I *have* to pay it in full, which is totally opposite of what the tech on Thursday night said. This time when I leave Banana, she is barking, and I am in tears.

I get home, and Mr. A tells me that he thinks they owe us $250. He is really mad (at the emergency vet), and I am just upset because this is so much to take in. I felt awful leaving her there Friday night, knowing she was barking, and feeling zero confidence in their bookkeeping, honesty, and compassion.

By the way, they never called us about the bill Friday night.

Saturday morning I go to pick her up, and the vet there says that her levels that morning were 75. Yuck. She has to remain on fluids again. I told them that we are not happy with the care and treatment (of us) at their clinic, and we would be taking Banana to a 24-hour clinic in a bigger town 40 minutes away. She seems stunned. But I hold my ground. We are not dealing with these rough people anymore! They decide to credit us $165, and I told them that we still feel we hve been overbilled and that we'd like to talk to the manager. They told us that the manager does not usually interact with clients. HAAAAA!! I told her we will need to talk to her anyway. They also told me that they couldn't show me how they came up with a credit of $165, which is different than the numbers that me and Mr. A came up with!

At this point I am bawling in the emergency vet lobby. I am upset that Banana is not better yet, that we will have to pay more money, that I am tired of all the running around we are having to do to take her here and there, that I paid the huge bill without disputing it on the spot, and that I am supposed to be home getting our house ready for my aunt and cousin to visit!!! I called our vet, and through sobs, I tell her the situation and that we are moving Banana to the other clinic.

Mr. A straightens up the house while I take Banana to the other clinic. From the second I step into the door, I can tell this place is different. For the first time in 3 hours, I stop crying. Everyone is gentle, patient, and compassionate. They take the time to explain and comfort. They have marble countertops in the exam rooms, for heaven's sake. And, if you can believe it, their prices are lower than our dinky rural clinic's. They call the owners every morning and evening to give updates. They know exactly how to handle their accounting, and I walk out of there feeling 100% confident that they will help Banana get better. Finally, a sigh of relief.

My aunt and cousin made it to my house before me :) I told my cousin about our baby, and she was so excited! My aunt brought our little one their first books, and she brought me some lollipops for when I don't feel good! She is so amazing! We met my friend (who incidentally just got her BFP #6 on Friday) and her daughters (who are my cousin's age) for lunch, and we had a great time! We came home, hung out with Mr. A and Bert, went to church, and made my lentil soup (from Friday's recipe) and some pizza.

Yesterday morning, we got up at 4am (yes, FOUR IN THE MORNING). My cousin was performing (singing) at a pretty big concert hall and had to be there at 830am. Luckily, our timing was perfect, and we dropped her off. We had to wait a bit for a breakfast place to open, but we enjoyed some good food and took a walk in the big city streets until we had to be back for her performance at 12:30. She did great, and we were home by 5:30pm.

I fell asleep at 8pm. Ha!!

I am feeling a little off these days, but I am welcoming it :) I am just hoping and praying we see a healthy little heartbeat on Thursday!! I am trying not to worry or go.ogle. I am trusting my body to know what to do to support this little one!!!

Bert misses Banana something awful. We are praying she can be home tomorrow! It will make both of them so happy to be together again!

I am a bad (dog) mom

Banana decided to eat a gingerbread house and some Christmas cookies and some peppermint bark at Christmas. So we put her in her crate while we were gone for a while.

Then, we decided that she had probably learned her lesson, so I left her out once. She ate the other gingerbread house.

So, back in her crate she went (while we were gone). Then, I left her out again. She got a ceramic dish with a sealed lid off the counter, pushed it around for an hour, finally got the top off, and at the blackberry cobbler within. If you are wondering how we know this, I had turned on our webcam that has view of both the kitchen and family room.

So, back in her crate she went (while we were gone). Then, I left her out again (clearly I am not learning my lesson here). She got up on the counter and ate a 1.5lb beef roast that I was thawing.

So, back in her crate she went (while we were gone). Then, I left her out again while I went to CVS. When I came back, both her and Bert were sitting on the couch. Ah, finally she has learned not to get on the counter.

Then, I left her out yesterday when I went to get my bloodwork (progesterone is up to 20.2! did not recheck beta since it was high on Monday). When I came home, she had pulled all THREE of my bottles of vitamins off the counter. She ate the entire remainder of the bottle of vitamin D3, but I don't think she was impressed by the prenatals or the CoQ10 because those bottles still had the approximate amount of tablets in them. But there was zero D3 left.

She is lucky I am pregnant. I am SO frustrated with this recent behavior. We have been leaving her out for probably 2 years, and this has NEVER happened before. And it is not like we leave a steaming buffet on the counter. And sure, it is (partly?) my fault for leaving my vitamins in the same place they have been for the last 4 months. But I was so mad at her. She is lucky I am pregnant or she would have hours of ear-bending yelling coming at her.

Bert does not seem to take part in her mischief. From the video of the blackberry incident, he just walks around and looks at her, as if he is thinking "ohhhhhhh, I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to be doing thattttttttttt."

So I take Banana to the vet this morning (just to be sure, otherwise she isn't seeming sick), and her calcium and phosphate levels are a tad above the allowable range. They call the pet poison control, and they are extremely alarmed, and they estimate she will have to be on fluids (at the vet hospital) and other medications until MONDAY.

So I started crying in the vet's lobby. I cannot believe this is my fault. We are probably looking at $2-5k, and it is ALL.MY.FAULT. Why didn't I just put her in her crate? I feel awful that she is in harm (although it is definitely treatable), but mostly (if I'm being honest) that we will have to pay this huge bill, and it all happened when Mr. A is on a business trip, so it is clearly my fault. Why did I have to try to let her out while I was gone, he wonders? GUILT. But she is the one doing things she knows is bad, so can I blame her a little? UGH.

I am having an awful morning!!

Reflections (v. 2.0)

Last year, I wrote a post reflecting on 2009. So I have been thinking about 2010 and what I'll write about it.

As I look back on it, I think 2010 was mostly not a good year. Meaning, at least 50% of my memories and thoughts about it are negative. Of course there are good things like our marriage and our pups and starting acupuncture and eating organic/natural, but other than that, things were pretty crappy. You can review the list of crap here. And even things like my grossly inconsiderate fertile friends added to the bog.

So, sorry, 2010. When I look back on you, I think of disappointment, failure, sadness, abandonment, and deflated hope.

But unlike my projections about 2010, my projections about 2011 do not contain any rosy cheeked baby next Christmas. I think it is cliche and unrealistic for me to sit here and say "I think we will have a baby next Christmas" because that is what I said last year and obviously it didn't do me any good. Except maybe it makes me face the fact that it will probably never happen for us.

As much as I honestly am not including any baby in my 2011 expectations, I sort of chuckle when I think of it because it is like a big cosmic reverse psychology session that I sit here and think that this year I'm not even going to dream of a child because that is what I did last year and look where it got me.

Luckily, even though I have given up hope that any sort of baby will be born to us this year, I don't picture 2011 to be the same as 2010 in the sadness capacity. Mostly because all of the sadness (my grandfather's death notwithstanding) came from infertility treatments and expectations, and this year we have none. So, without the expectation that something is going to work, you don't have much fall when it doesn't. (Stay tuned for a potential big contradiction to this statement.) In this way, even if we are still childless this time next year, at least we didn't expect anything different.

Maybe this is not a very faithful way to look at things- after all, we aren't supposed to give up hoping. But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true.

I don't really think anything big is going to happen for us in 2011. I think we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food, and falling asleep at 9:15pm. I think in the eyes of most people, we will be kind of boring. And I think in the eyes of society, we will be less than a family.

But I think 2011 will be a good year. And I'm not trying to be vague just so next year at this time I won't be proven wrong again. I have high hopes for it in every way except for expanding our family.

I have a theme for 2011, but I will wait until 1/1 to announce it. Excuse my french, in advance ;-)

Christmas in Review

In short, I was pleasantly surprised :)

WHEW!

I cooked a ton of good food, and most importantly my dairy-allergic brother in law didn't get sick once!!!!, everyone stayed over several nights, we had a family Twister tournament (seriously, my mom was beating my brother!!!), we played cards till 1am accompanied by lots of good things to drink, we broke out my Office Clue game, and we had our annual knock down drag out Monopoly shootout. We had family prayer time and enjoyed a beautiful Christmas Eve service together. And everyone loved Banana and Bert.

I think everyone was comfortable and happy here, and that makes us very happy. YAY!!

I did test BFN on Christmas Eve, and maybe it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but I didn't think twice about it (what else did I expect?) and allowed myself to have nary an empty glass for most of the time my family was here. In that same vein, I allowed myself a break from my Infertility Cure ban on coffee and alcohol and chocolate and white flour.... I trusted the validity of that BFN, but it was a little unsettling that I didn't start a new cycle till yesterday. Maybe it was the excitement/good "stress" of having everyone here.

The only major snafoo is that we went about a half hour away from here for dinner on Monday night, and when we returned we found that Bert and Banana had eaten 1 lb of peppermint bark (yes, including milk/dark chocolate), two tins of my mom's cookies, and one of the two gingerbread houses we had decorated. Gulp. Banana had already thrown up twice, but we had to give Bert hydrogen peroxide to make him throw up (on the advice of the emergency vet over the phone). We were pretty freaked out, since chocolate can be deadly to dogs. Banana was still looking awful yesterday morning (she threw up twice more), and her abdomen and chest area were so bloated that they were pretty hard to the touch. You know, like the symptoms for deadly dog bloat. Double gulp. We took her to the vet first thing yesterday morning, and the vet didn't expect dog bloat (the twisting of the stomach kind), but Banana has pretty dehydrated. So the vet kept her at her office yesterday and gave her a shot of antivomit meds and a liter of fluids. Luckily for us, Banana was well enough to come home at 7:30pm last night!!

Except that Banana pulled out the catheter port that the vet had bandaged up in case she needed more fluids this morning. So we look over at one point last night and see that there is blood all over the pillow and blanket she was sitting on. Me and Mr. A had to unbandage her arm and pull out the catheter/needle, and rebandage it. I have never been queasy (and I suspect that maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was bleeding by that point, too- thank you CD1), but I had to go out on the deck for a few minutes. Luckily, the vet said this morning that her arm should heal fine and that she should be back to normal digestive-wise in a few days. Crisis averted!!!

So all in all, it was a great Christmas. I have other reflections on the continued failure to achieve pregnancy, but that will be for another post. Today should be a relaxing day- have to keep an eye on Banana, but I can get some cleaning up done from the blessed din of having 8 adults over for several days!!!

Christmas is Coming...

I am The goose is getting fat.... Haha :) That is an old carol, but a fun one!

I have been so busy the last few days. It is a good busy, but I decided next year that I just want to take the last three weeks of December off of work so I don't have to worry about making up hours I spend doing errands. It would just be easier that way ;-)

I bought most of our food this morning after a nice breakfast with my sister at Whol.e Foods. We bought some of their natural italian sausages, and they smelled SO GOOD. I can't wait to make them!! I do have to get Mr. A to take me to the farm tomorrow (Saturday), because they didn't plow their driveway/road, and I was afraid of getting stuck in the cow field. Not that 4 inches is alot, but it felt slippery. I know, I'm a rookie!!

We are also pretty close to being done with shopping for gifts with family and friends. I have decided this year to make cinnamon rolls for gifts for our neighbors. I'm excited! I hope they like them :) We certainly do!!

I think in some ways all this busy-ness has been a really good diversion from all things 2ww. My mantra this time has been "I am healthy and ready to carry this child." It has actually been pretty calming along with some Qigong breathing techniques my acupuncturist taught me. Who knows if there is a "this child", but I want to have a positive mindset. I feel a sense of peace that I am doing just what I should be by excitedly getting ready to play Christmas hostess. I would love nothing more than to have to refuse our Bailey's coffee on Christmas morning, but I fully expect to be able to drink a batch on my own.

(All of this being said, if we are pregnant this time, the due date would be Sept 2. This baby could be born on August 27- a very special day for me, and also the date of my grandpa's passing. I can't lie and say this isn't in the furthest back point of my mind. Of course I calculate my due date every single month (it's a sickness), but this is different somehow. I don't know. I'm sure a due date of October 2 would be just as lovely.)

The only Christmas card I've received from my college friends is from my superstar fertile friend. (And, it was a normal card with a family 4x6 inside. Love this combination, if you must include a picture.) On the one hand, I assume I'm being excluded and I don't think it's any coincidence that this year 63% of them are either expecting or have babies, and that ever since I told them of our struggle, they've mostly been silent. On the other hand, maybe with kids, it is hard to get the cards out. Ho hum.

Except that I didn't send cards to all of them either. *Gasp!* According to one of my friends, that makes me the one pushing them away. But the way I look at it, this is a two way street. I just told "you" (my supposed friend) that I am having an awful struggle, and you don't do anything. In my book, you are not exactly holding up your end of the deal. So don't cry to me that I'm the one pushing you away and not sending you a Christmas card.

*anyway*

All in all, things have been good lately. It is refreshing to see Bert bounding around in the snow, having peppermint tea after dinner, and loading up the wood stove just before I fall asleep watching the flames through the glass. It is exciting to do things around the house in anticipation of my family coming. It is humbling to think of what we actually celebrate at Christmas. May that be the thing that sticks in our heart this Christmas, no matter how much we feel our life is falling apart. I bet Mary and Joseph felt pretty out of their element and lost when they were trying to comprehend the road before them as parents of God's Son.

first stab

Finally got some decorations out. We can't have our real tree in our room because the stove will dry it out too much, so the real one will be in the front room and I got a little fake one for this room.

What do you think? I am worried the snowflake bookcase covers (tablecloths) make it look too busy, but my sister said she didn't think so
... do you like the stockings I got Bert and banana on the right?

I also ordered some gifts this morning! Free shipping!!!

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happy cd1

Oh wait, i mean thanksgiving!

Story of my life: you will get your period during every major holiday.

We have had a good but mildly frustrating time with mr.a's family. Their house is not dogproof, and bert & banana are getting into everything. His parents say not to worry about what the dogs are doing, but then they get all flustered if bert smells the nutbowl on the coffee table and leaves a nose mark on the glass.

Mr.a's brothers both left this morning, and i think we might leave this afternoon. We all miss home!!

But my turkey and pies were DELICIOUS!

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