BABY!!! (updated w/ photo)

Our precious miracle is measuring 6w3d and has a heartbeat of 110!!!!

We are speechless and so in awe of God's creation. And of course SO EXCITED!!!!!

Will post a picture when I get home (see below)!!!

Thank you for all your prayers!!!

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Surreal

After all we have been through, it is hard for me to believe that we are 6w1d today. (And yes, I am still taking tests at home, thankyouverymuch.) We have known about this baby for almost 2 weeks, and from all we can tell, everything is so far so good.

We have an early pregnancy ultrasound tomorrow. That is unbelievable!

We are so thankful and grateful for this little one, and we are praying he/she is healthy. I know that sounds dreadfully boring, but it is hard to put the magnitude of all of this into words.

I think tomorrow morning I will be the most nervous I have ever been in my life. My RE moved to a different suite in the same building, and I am sort of grateful because there was alot of disappointment and sadness associated with the previous suite. Now they are in a new suite, and I am on a new journey. Seems very appropriate, if I do say so myself.

I know there are a ton of you who are still waiting for your precious babies, and I have not stopped storming heaven on your behalf. I (we) so appreciate everyone's prayers for us and for our little one. If you have some spare moments, if you could please pray that everyone looks healthy tomorrow, and that we might be able to see a heartbeat!!

I will keep you posted!! Y'all are the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for :)

Yup

Thanks for all your encouraging comments on my post yesterday! It is good to know that we weren't off base being floored by the quoted homestudy cost.

Because of all your helpful suggestions, I did email the agency and ask if we had to use their satellite office here to do the homestudy. They said if we want to be a part of their program, then yes indeedy, we have to use them. (And I did listen to the fateful message from Monday afternoon, and unless I am again hallucinating, she says very clearly that the cost is $5k. Crazy!) If we want to just sign up with their most preferred clinic (in TN), then the homestudy can be with whomever we want.

Well, if we are just going to sign up with a clinic, we'll sign up with the one 45 minutes from here, not 5 hours from here, thankyouverymuch. Not to mention, our clinic doesn't require a homestudy at all.

And last night, while chowing down on homemade enchiladas from this cookbook, we talked about other stuff, like if we have enough wood left for the rest of the winter (crap, we don't think so) and how the dogs were good pups yesterday (no one tried to eat anything contraband) and how we think it is funny that our financial advisor's annual meeting is at the Golden Corral (HA!!!) and what is going on with our jobs.

But I think here is my suggestion to us: I will go and get established at the clinic close to here and put our names up for any embies that become donated. (My RE and this clinic share the same lab, so they already have access to my file, so I'm hoping the "establishment" will be fairly seamless.) In the meantime, we will begin saving for a potentially big family-expanding bill. If there are embryos that come up for donation, we can decide whether or not to adopt them at that point. If it comes to the time where we have enough saved for the shared risk IVF, then we will go with that. Of course, we will still enter into IVF with the utmost respect for any life that God decides to create during the cycle.

I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time ;-)

Yoga this morning and acupuncture this afternoon- should be a good day!

All turned around

Just when I thought we were seriously going in one direction, we are all turned around again.

We wanted to do embryo donation / adoption through a well-known well-reviewed national agency. However, they charge $4k to be in their program, and that doesn't include any costs associated with the actual transfer (medical or medicines), or any charges that the donor couple would like reimbursed. They also require a homestudy. Maybe I am naive (and to be sure, I had never inquired as to the cost), but I though the homestudy would be maybe $1500.

So, without the homestudy, we are up to at least $8500, not including meds or reimbursment costs.

Enter the homestudy cost. Take a guess what it is.

FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Okay, maybe you aren't surprised, but it knocked the wind out of us. We had already scheduled an appt for Mr. A at a family practice to get his medical approval form filled out, and I had called my RE to get our infectious disease testing results sent to me. After we had already watched the preliminary info materials for this agency, all of a sudden, this embryo adoption is going to cost us around $15k.

We were upset. We felt gilted, nickeled-and-dimed. They should be more upfront with even average homestudy costs. And all of a sudden, we were throwing ideas around such as "why dont we just save an extra $5k and do the IVF three tries money back program ($20k)?"

Which of course, is something I never ever ever thought we'd ever do, and especially not this year. Not because I'm opposed to the money back program (I think it's great, actually, and if we decide to go that route, I pray I am accepted!), but because like I've said before, in a crazy way, I had really looked to 2011 as a med-free intervention-free infertility-accepting year.

I am still interested in embie adoption, but with the success rates of FET's around 30%, and the success rates of fresh cycles around 50%, Mr. A (mister logical) feels like it would be a smarter use of whatever we save for this to just do another fresh cycle, if an embryo donation / adoption is going to cost us nearly twice of what a single fresh cycle would be.

I know you don't have to use an agency with embryo donation / adoption. We have not taken it off the table. But it is so disappointing to be here after feeling like it was the direction to go just a few days ago.

Maybe some people would tell me to not worry about the cost, but we can't deny that part of us. It is just who we are to be careful about our finances and not overextend ourselves if we don't have the money available. I was thinking we could save enough by the end of this year to really (actively) pursue embryo adoption, but now I don't think we can, and if we are going to have to save up $15k, I sort of agree with Mr. A about just saving some more and trying to get into the money back program and try to have a biological child.

I think another part of why I'm still interested in embryo adoption is that it feels safer for me. I know my lining has always been good. But it's the stimming that perhaps I'm not so good at, and if we try IVF again, I'm afraid of failing. I know we would get our money back, but I just don't know if I'm ready to set myself up for that again. Of course this is all moot, because we don't have the money saved up yet (unless we pull from our savings, which I doubt is going to happen). And I know that embryo donation / adoption is not without its pressures, either....

So anyway, here we are, with our vision of how to expand our family as clear as mud. I wish that we were one of those couples who had this clear shift from trying to conceive on their own to whatever path that was going to expand their family, but it's not looking like that is what we have. (Who am I kidding? I wish we were one of those couples who got pregnant on their own!!!) Oh well.

For now, we haven't really talked about it in a couple nights. I think we are both bummed, and I think we both are back to square one- not honestly interested in starting anything else right now and just trying to enjoy each other. Maybe someday we will get a clear kick in the pants!!

Growth Spurt

I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.

We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.

But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.

I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.

So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.

But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.

Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.

A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.

I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.

So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!

Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!

(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)

Going backwards

So, I think I might be the most fickle infertility patient ever. Especially cozy under my new apathy blanket.

I had made an appointment with the other RE, but especially after their billing comments, I just did not have peace about it. We are not planning on doing any big-time treatments (e.g. injectables/ART) for the forseeable future, so what was emphasized to me in prayer is why not return to my ob/gyn if all I'm going to be possibly doing is clomid/progesterone supps and some 7dpo bloodwork here and there. They might have a way less efficient office (scheduling-wise...just assume you're going to wait half an hour when you arrive for your appointment) and they might consider 6.4 to be an acceptable 7dpo progesterone (which is lower than the RE's acceptable 10, but maybe for the normal population, that is fine?), but I think with the knowledge I have from the past year, I can be a better advocate for myself with any particular test result. Not to mention driving the 5 miles there is so much more attractive than the 45 to my RE's office...

So I called and left a message for my ob/gyn's nurse yesterday (she is so bubbly and helpful!), and she called me back and said that my ob/gyn would like to talk with me to go over the last year and then go from there. She is so different from my RE's nurse, and honestly, just talking to her made me feel so good about calling there and taking this route. So I'm taking that as a confirmation that it's the way to go. I'm meeting with him next Thursday. I do plan on asking him to retest my thyroid. And I think I'll ask for a higher dose of clomid, too. This feels right.

(Time to cancel the other RE's appt!)

In some ways it definitely feels like I'm moving backwards by "switching" to my ob/gyn. But, I'm actually okay with going backwards. Back to the time when we didn't know there was any issue, back to the time when we were so excited to have just the two of us, and back to the time when we were sure we'd be parents.

Maybe I am delirious, but we have been so happy lately. I have been driving with all the windows down, Michael Buble blaring, and me singing at the top of my lungs. Mr. A and I have been chasing each other around the pool, taking Banana for long walks at sunset (although this is mostly because she doesn't like walking at 5pm when it is 300F here!), and dreaming of a great and fun future. We have been eating our home-grown veggies (which reminds me, I tried to make refrigerator pickles the other day with our cucumbers, and I have to see how they taste!), and buying more organic food. I was emailing with my friend K yesterday, and I wrote how it is a little odd and unexpected that we'd feel so stress-free about trying less than 2 months after our failed IVF attempt. But I am thankful for the way my heart is feeling these days. I can only attribute it to grace from God, because logically, I think I should still be grieving and being anxious about what happens next.

Speaking of K, please keep her in your prayers. She is having a rough week in this "IF hell hole", as she so affectionately calls it. We have been praying that God would allow us to be pregnant together, but even if one of us gets pregnant before the other, it will allow us to be an example to the other that God works miracles even in the most difficult and improbable situations.

I know that You can do all things,
and that
no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2

Frustration (cont'd)

Even before you wise friends encouraged the clinic switch, I was so bugged out by my clinic's nurse, I called the other place. I had contemplated getting a second opinion before our IVF cycle, even had all my records faxed over there, but I had cancelled the appointment at the last minute when my RE suggested the other protocol. But I am sick of my RE's nurse.

So, I call over to the other place. Good news, they still have my records. At this point, I can't even believe I'm asking for another RE appointment, because it has just been awesome without that stress and worry. And I even think I do a pretty darn good job of not letting the stress and worry take over my life, but now that it's gone, I realize how it crept in here and there.

So they ask if I'm still with my insurance, and then I make sure they plan on just filing the appointments with the insurance first. She puts me on hold to check. (I did not consider this a good sign.)

Then another lady comes on the phone and tells me that since I've already been treated at my current clinic, my insurance considers everything thereafter "treatment", and they will pay nothing.

Um. Excuse me?

I told her that I'm not coming to them for treatment, per se, just a second look at my file and to ask for more testing, which I know is listed as covered on my policy. I'm interested in seeing if they think more detailed thyroid testing is in order or maybe those fancy mutation tests. TESTS, get it??

She said since it is a second opinion and my first appointment there, they will try (TRY?) to code the appointment as testing. Brace yourself, because I asked how much the appointment would be if the insurance didn't pay anything, and it would be THREE TO EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Okay, here are my reflections:
1. No wonder people with zero insurance coverage have $100k in infertility debt. God bless them!
2. I am beginning to wonder if my current clinic coded all my ultrasounds (pre-ART and during-ART) as testing. Because they definitely covered the majority of the cost of all the ultrasounds. And bloodwork. If this is the case, and I technically could have been paying $400 a pop for each ultrasound during the entirety of this past year, maybe I should stay with my current place out of homage for all the money they saved us.
3. But, I have serious issues with any clinic coding ultrasounds as treatment. If only!!! If only all we needed was an ultrasound to treat our childlessness. It's not the ultrasound that's the treatment, people! It's the procedures! Which, yes, I know, my insurance doesn't cover.

If there is any possibility that we will have to pay $800 for a stinkin second opinion, I just cannot justify that right now. I haven't even told Mr. A that I made the appointment because I want to call the second clinic back and be sure about their billing procedures before even I decide to even keep the appointment, much less tell him I'm willingly subjecting myself to this circus again. (Even the relatively low-rent clomid circus!) He is so protective of me- he knows how much pressure I put on myself when we were in the throws of it all, and I think he just wants me to kick back for a while. God love him :)

Can you believe that? Two phone calls that my heart passionately willed me not to put myself through, and both of them were nightmares. I almost wonder if because of how they played out, if God really does want us to just be chill for a while, just because I felt so attacked during both of them.

As you may imagine, I haven't given either of the calls much further thought. We are doing a ton of pool entertaining lately that just makes my heart soar. It is so fun to have people over and especially see their kids enjoy our pool. Yesterday, the friends who came over even brought their pup so Banana had someone to hang out with! The weather has been so beautiful that it's all I can do to keep myself inside the bulk of the day working, which is why I love the weekday afternoon vacation-time get togethers! (Yes, I have tried to "work" by the pool, and it's pretty much impossible!!) I am so thankful for the blessings that crowd around us. They definitely encourage me that the best is yet to come!!

Phone "consult"

So, just as I promised myself, I drug myself to the phone yesterday to schedule a consult with my RE. A very delayed WTF appointment, if you will. Here is how the conversation with the nurse went:

Me: I'd like to schedule a time when the doc can call me to go over last cycle and any recommendations/thoughts he has for future treatment. Work is really busy lately, so I don't have time to drive all the way to your office.
Nurse: Well, can you come in at 11:45am today?
Me: No, I really don't have the time to drive over this week. Are there any appointments open where he could just call me during the appointment time?
Nurse: Well there is an 8:20am open on Thursday?
Me: Okay, if he could call me then, that would be great. I will block it out on my calendar.
Nurse: Well, I can't reserve that time for you because we save the appointment times for patients who come in. The doc's time is very valuable, after all. I have a 1:30pm on Thursday, would that work?
Me: No, seriously, I don't have time to drive over there. (Thinking, um, I am audibly talking, no?) So you can't just put my name in the 8:20 slot and have him call me at that time?
Nurse: No, all I can do is let him know you want to talk with him, and that he should try to call you whenever he has a minute. Mmm-kay?

Okay. I will let your blood stop boiling.

THE DOC'S TIME IS VALUABLE?!?!?!??!! Well ex-CUSE me! I had no idea. We didn't just pay you $9k or anything, and have nothing to show for it. (And, okay fine, I realize that they can bill for patients who come IN, but not for phone calls, but come on. It's not like I haven't been writing you checks for the last year.) I didn't just tell you FIVE TIMES that my work is so busy I don't have time for the 3-hour (including appt) round trip to your office and back home. Really, you say his time is valuable?????

And, as you may expect, when I got home from volunteering yesterday afternoon, he had left me a voicemail FOUR minutes prior. Great, just great. I was steamed. I called the nurse back and told her that if I can't know when he is going to call, he needs to call my cellphone. She seemed to get the idea that I wasn't too happy with her not letting me schedule a time with him.

He called my cell phone like 10 minutes later. He was "so glad to hear my voice and see how I'm doing". Hmph. The lack of phone call initiation on their part makes me doubt this. But, as for the gist of what his reflections are, basically he is disappointed with the low fertilization rate (1 of 3 mature, basically), and it might indicate less than awesome eggs, but since I am still young, if we wanted to do another cycle (read: IVF), he wouldn't recommend against it. I told him we are not interested in doing anothere IVF round, but that we might be inclined to try clomid and what about 100mg instead of 50mg? He said he'd be fine with that, and if I wanted a prescription to just call them when a new cycle starts.

Most communication from their office being disappointingly-equal, I wish I had his direct-dial. This is not the first time I've become disillusioned with the body/voice language of the nurse. Maybe I'll call the receptionist and go through her instead if/when I need the prescription.

Or, maybe if we do want to try (even with clomid), we should transfer RE practices. They can prescribe clomid just as easily as my current place. Who knows. Will they do a phone consult? I really am through with RE appointments for now...

New Adoption Blogger/To my Baby Bumps

...A warm welcome to my friend T at Waiting for Something Beautiful! She has been an amazing support to us, ever since I've known her, but especially in the last year. We're praying they will be matched with a precious baby very soon!!

(While we're at it, I also shared this with my friend O- bring your little girl (and hubby, if he's not teaching!) and come swim soon!)

I was going to separate my "Praying for a Baby" section into people who are adopting versus just TTC'ing, but I wanted to keep everyone together because on both paths, that's what you're doing...praying for a baby!

***

We had people over for a cookout and swimming yesterday late afternoon/evening. It was heavenly! Adding to the wonderfulness was my glass of wine from the winery down the road- I like all of their varietals, and it's always hard to choose which bottle I want to bring home with me!! Plus it has been a long time since I've enjoyed their wares, thanks to follistim! I'm thinking of mowing the yard later on this afternoon before I walk Banana, that way I will be good and hot when we get home and I can jump in the POOL!

We don't have any plans for this weekend (except paddling around in my float), but on Monday I am going to drag myself to the phone and set up a phone appt with my RE. I am so disappointed he/my nurse hasn't called. If I paid someone $9k for a job and then the job didn't work out, I sure as blazes would call my client to see how they were doing in the face of such failure!!! Not sure when we will want to really try again, but I imagine we might consider partnering with clomid again, for a time or two. But who knows- that could change on a daily basis!

And a special note for my Baby Bumps:
Something weird is happening to me lately- I read all your blogs, but I just can't find the words to comment. It's not that I don't care or that it's too hard to read about your goings-on (although I have my days...), and I pray for you all every day, but I just can't put together an intelligent, genuine-sounding comment. I don't want to leave you a lame "sounds like you're doing great!" or anything. Or maybe I should, so you don't think I've stopped reading what's going on with you.

I'm so excited that a few of you are about to meet your little ones. Even if I'm not commenting, just know that it's because when I try to leave you a comment, my mind goes blank. My heart is still with you, though.

Have any of my fellow mommies-in-waiting had the same thing happen to you?

Jumbled

::chirp chirp::

The crickets around my blog were getting tired of being by themselves!! So I am happy to keep them company again.

Our visit with my grandfather went well. He was more mobile than I expected (have you seen how long those at-home oxygen cords are?!), but there were still some times (dinner at Perk.in's when he didn't want to bring his oxygen, but it was so chilly in the restaurant (he was visibly cold), he asked the waitress to turn down the a/c!) when he seemed weak and frail and so precious that I just wanted to hug him for a while. I imagine the adrenal.ine of having everyone visiting lifted his spirits/helped him be more youthful, because my aunt emailed me and said that he had a really tough day yesterday. We are so glad we got to sit and talk with him as much as we did! Plus visiting all my extended family was fun, too!

My grandma is in the early stages of alz.heimer's and her kids don't think she would be safe at home by herself. So their plan is to move her into an assisted living place after my grandpa passes.

Now.

Mr. A is obviously a super amazing guy.

But I had no idea how vehemently he believes that kids are to take care of their parents in their last years, if/when they can't take care of themselves. (They took care of you 24-7 when you were little, and when they need it, you should return the "favor".) He is completely appalled that my aunts/uncles are considering moving her to an assisted living place right now. At this point, she is not really a danger to herself or anyone, just a little off in her own world (not even that much detached from reality, if you ask me). I realize that alz.heimer's is a very complicated disease that will require some pretty specialized care in its advanced stages, but my grandma is just not there yet. But right now, it is pretty sad for me to think of her all by herself in a random assisted living place.

Mr. A said that she could move in with us, but I don't know if her kids would want that, since we live about 400 miles away from them and where she has spent her whole life. I suggested that maybe my mom (a nurse) could quit her job and be paid through my grandparents' estate to be my grandma's care provider, which one of my uncles thought was a good idea, but my aunt seems to have alot of concerns with that. I realize there are alot of variables to consider.

So in addition to my grandpa's declining health, there is this whole sad issue with my grandma. (Which, by the way, she is not even being consulted on the move idea- how tragic would that be- you lose your husband of 60+ years and then you get shipped off to a random place where you don't know anyone!) I don't really think it's my place to have a very active role in what "happens" to her- she's not my mom, and I guess I just pray that my uncles and aunts (and mom) will seriously consider some lifestyle changes that might allow them to welcome her into their home or allow them to care for her, instead of giving her the boot for someone else to deal with.

The other reason that I thought it was an amazing idea to have my mom go be her official nurse is that my mom is super attached (emotionally) to her parents in a way that I have never seen in another mid-fifties woman. She is not admitting it, but all of this is really hard for her. She does not deal well with being separated from her parents on a normal day, much less right now when both are experiencing fairly substantial health concerns. Her and my dad need time apart right now, to put it bluntly. She takes all her anxiety, anger, and worry on my dad, and he (so far) has hung in there, but the emotional and verbal abus.e she is spewing is getting to be overwhelming for him. I am honestly worried that he is going to snap or something, but he is such an upstanding guy that I don't think he wants to be the one to put his foot down or stay somewhere else until she can get herself under control. I can appreciate his dedication (in good times and bad, eh?), but I think I draw the line in an abu.sive relationship. I suggested that he go stay with a friend, even for a few weeks. Is that bad or un-matrimon-ily of me?

As for me and Mr. A, we are doing pretty darn great. We are loving our pool this summer!! I have no idea what CD I'm on (but pretty sure somewhere after ovulation). I think we were together around when ovulation might have happened, so there is this dang bird in my head that taunts me with "maybetherewillbeamiracle", and while I acknowledge the thought, I have done pretty well with leveling out my expectations. Because really, after not having any beer for like 5 months, it is nice to kick back by the pool with a book and a local brew. And have I mentioned how many cups of coffee I've allowed myself per morning? Not that I wouldn't give that back up in an instant if we get pregnant, but it's nice to not feel guilty about it.

Our garden is doing awesome. We have pretty much finished all our spinach and it was excellent. We hadn't grown it before, and it tastes SO much better than the spinach you buy in the stores. We are now moving onto our bibb lettuce, which is equally as yummy. My new favorite lunch (or dinner) is a huge salad of our own greens, feta cheese, cooked chicken, and vinaigrette. YUM. We planted cantelope and watermelon plants, but they seem to be growing slowly/not at all. I really hope they kick into gear- we have heard that homegrown fruits blow your socks off!! We're getting a couple raspberries per day- with a billion about to be ripe all at the same time!

I still have not called my RE, and much to my dismay, they have not called me either. If I ever have an RE practice, you can bet that that WILL be part of the protocol- to call patients who've had failed cycles. I think I'd like to give clomid a shot next month (you know, if that bird on my shoulder happens to be wrong), while I think I do have one more refill, I probably should talk with the RE. Hopefully he will be willing to do a phone consult.

Banana is doing great, too- we now have between 2 and 3 dogs who walk by each morning so she is getting to play/socialize alot!! She really seems to enjoy it. She still won't go in the pool though, silly pup!!

I know I have alot of catching up to do with you all, and I'm going to do my best to get back into things very soon! I read sometimes and am praying for all of you! I love how we each have specific requests/needs- although we are all praying/thanking for healthy children, we all have such unique situations. I love how that keeps my prayer time vibrant and exciting!!

June already?

Is it seriously June 3?

We're back from a fairly-impromptu trip to see my grandfather. He is doing better than I expected, but he is still visibly not the "normal". Luckily, the tube for his oxygen thing is pretty lengthy, so he can go have coffee on their back patio and move pretty much over their entire first floor. But sometimes, he looks simply weak and you just want to go hug him, you know?

And amazingly, the only person who mentioned our kid-less-ness while we were up there was my grandmother. (Did I know that her friend "in our same situation" adopted a little boy from Ireland and then went on to have 5 kids "of their own"???) I give her a pass because she is in the early stages of Alzh.eimer's....

And we are thoroughly enjoying not thinking about treatments. Can someone else call my RE for me and get his reflections on our failed IVF?? During our layover on the way home, Mr. A and I enjoyed a couple beers and a couple burgers and some great conversation. Of course I am secretly hoping for a miracle baby this time, but I don't even know what CD I'm on, and I plan on keeping it that way until as long as humanly possible. I think maybe I'd like to try clomid again, maybe 100mg instead of the 50mg I was on last summer, just for an extra boost.

It is weird to not pray so emphatically about our treatment stuff, but instead for other people, situations, and just our life in general. It is kind of refreshing, but a little unusual at this point. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

And finally, I am going to be upgrading my cell-phone soon!! I need you to tell me what you like and don't like about your phone. I am with veriz.on, so ip-hone's are out (bummer, Mr. A had one before he got his droi.d, and so the iph-one is just sitting in my desk drawer!) My biggest concern with the touchscreen ones is that I don't know if I will like typing on the touchscreen. But I know those are more fancy than the full-keyboard ones, which I just got to try out because my sister has one, but those are much nicer than the one I have now! Maybe this one is a good compromise? Not that I need fancy, or even a smar.tphone, really. But I am definitely tired of my current phone, which turns off at any old random time without even a "hey I'm turning off now", so I go to check it and realize it's been off for some unspecified amount of time!! Can't wait to hear your cell-phone reviews!!

Monday, Monday

Thanks to whoever submitted "me" to LFCA! And welcome anyone who is here from there :)

We are continuing to do pretty well considering the news we received Thursday. Of course there have been some more difficult moments that I will write about soon, but I have a deadline at work today, so I don't really have the time right now.

We're going to take this month (CD3 today) completely off. Then we'll see about what (if anything) we want to do in any upcoming cycles (progesterone? clomid? nothing?). I don't really want to talk to my RE (just because- and I know I shouldn't- but I just feel like an idiot for this not working), but I probably should. Maybe I can get a phone consult with him so I don't have to go sit in the exam room with him and a disinterested intern while he explains why he thinks it didn't work (he never does consults in his office).

I am trying not to assure myself that we'll get pregnant on our "break". That is the ultimate tragic set-up, isn't it? But of course that is what Mr. A thinks will happen, and especially with my grandfather's situation, I have had more than several people tell me anecdotal stories about people getting pregnant while someone close to them is passing away. And maybe deep in my heart that is what I think will happen, too, but it is so unbelievable at the same time. But God's ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).

We are glad to have this breath of fresh air. I was remarking last night that May has absolutely flown by because of the ivf timeline. I honestly can't believe it is already the 24th. It is refreshing to not have to worry about when is the next shot or next ultrasound. With the exception of two cycles, I have been on follistim since October. We are tired. We are thankful for the chance to just kick back for a while and enjoy a beer (or two) with our fried chicken (which, by the way, how the heck do you get the coating to stay ON the chicken while frying? I dipped in flour, then buttermilk, then flour- and then we used our deep fryer....).

Okay, I really have to get to work. Thank you again for your prayers for us. I love how lengthy my prayer list has become, as I've gotten to know more of you in this community. It is such an honor and a support to pray for each other!!

Not looking good

BFN and some light pink spotting this morning.

11dp3dt is pretty stinkin late for implantation spotting. Mr. A hugged me as I told (cried) him about the negative test, and he chivalrous-ly comforted me to just wait until tomorrow. He is the sweetest thing ever.

Among other things, I am embarrassed that it didn't work. What on earth is wrong with me? I don't even want to see my RE. All I want to do is go to the lab to get my beta, find (and brew) the most expensive bag of flavored coffee on the planet, get a breakfast bagel sandwich at the local place, and not do my work today.

But I will wait till tomorrow. If for nothing else because Mr. A (God bless him) is not convinced that it didn't work. And I'm not one to crush anyone's hope for a baby, especially my dear husband's hope.

So blessed

We are already so in love and so thankful for our little one(s). AND SO EXCITED that (God willing) they will be here in January! We are praying they continue to grow healthy and will give us the honor of being parents. It's very humbling. 5 eggs is not really that great, statistically-speaking. But look at what God has done with the little we have!! Truly, His power has been made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). We know we are not pregnant just yet, but we feel like we have received a huge blessing already, and we are hoping and praying our babies are here to stay!

Our transfer will be at 9:30am tomorrow (Saturday)! They don't disturb the babies on day 2, so we are praying and trusting that God is taking care of them and allowing them to be healthy!

I received this devotion below as today's Daily Double Portion from Sarah's Laughter. If you have not signed up to receive these daily devotionals geared towards ministering to women dealing with miscarriage, child loss, and infertility, you should sign up TODAY. They have been a great source of inspiration and comfort to me. I hope it will speak to you if you're struggling, especially since this weekend is so agonizing for those of us with empty nurseries.

***
How Amazing is Sufficient Grace?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.

Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.

No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.

You may be thinking, “But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.” Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.

Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.

Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.

God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you.

The Sarah’s Laughter Prayer Team will be praying for you through Mother’s Day weekend.

(c) 2009-10 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Report!

FINALLY!! My RE just called- out of the 5 eggs:

• 4 were mature
• 1 of the 4 mature ones had a protein coating or something? (have to research more about what that is really, or if I'm even understanding that correctly)
• 1 is definitely fertilized and on his/her way
• 2 are in the earlier stages of fertilization, so they can't quite tell if they're looking normally fertilized or not

SO, rejoice with me over our little one, and hopefully our other two little ones!!!

In my heart of hearts, I really wish the other two would have been as far along as #1, but my RE said they just do a spot check of them, and it's possible that they're fine and just got a late start or something, or the lab is looking at them from a weird angle. So I'll be praying that all three will be happy and healthy looking tomorrow!

And I know that ONE isn't exactly phenominal numbers, but God has brought so much good out of seemingly unfavorable conditions already this cycle, I can't imagine He'll stop now! (Nevertheless, His will be done...) Thank you Lord for allowing this little one(s)! Please bless them and keep them safe so we can meet them in January! ;-)

PS. We did my first PIO last night, and it was completely painless. Are we doing something wrong? Ha!

Waiting...(UPDATED!!!!)

Why isn't everyone posting very-exciting things on their blogs this morning so I have something to do while I wait for our fert report, instead of refresh my own blog 20 times a minute?? ;-)

(UPDATED in the "Report" post above!)

Home safe!

Short story: 5 good looking eggies!!! YIPEEEEEE! Thank you, God!!!

Long story: (I'll let you go refill your glass of water and get a snack first....)

..Sooooooooo..

Last Friday (when I thought the ER would be Monday), the office manager from the anaesthesiologist's office called me to ask me about payment (I just gave the check to the receptionist at the RE's office) and to tell me "Nothing to eat or drink except clear liquids after midnight the night before the procedure".

Got that? That quote is important.

So I get up this morning, made coffee for Mr. A, and filled up my Na.lgene bottle with water. Mr. A (who is also the most opposite you can get from a morning person) (also a very important piece of the day's story) comes downstairs in his shirt and tie. Um. Did he forget about our ER??!?! So I ask, maybe sounding more shocked than I was, what was he doing wearing his work clothes?!

And being that he rolled out of bed 15 minutes prior, my question was apparently as if I'd asked him to run over his Har.ley with a dumptruck this very second. He was not impressed with my question (or any of my subsequent explanations or attempts to backtrack myself), his tone was absolutely, oh, what would you say, pissed off, and I'm pretty sure this is what happened when whoever coined the term "speak only when spoken to". HA! (Just kidding!!) (Turns out he just wanted to avoid changing after the ER...)

So, in all the "discussions" and getting out the door on time, I left my rings and my favorite cross necklace in my bathroom. Cue the waterworks (again), once I realized it.

Not the super greatest way to start off the morning. But I was determined to not get too down about it- have to make sure my follicles produced happy eggs!! And I don't have to wear my cross for God to know I'm counting on Him for a miracle here.

Luckily after coffee and some time with his eyes open, Mr. A poked me (we had about a 45 minute drive), and said "What is up!?!!?!?"

Well, great, now you're happy?! Ha! Oh well, better late than never!!!!

Anyway, we got to the lab in plenty of time, got checked in right away, and the very-chatty (but cute) nurse came in and started getting me ready. Put the IV in my hand because my veins are just not drinking straws like my dad's. I've never had an IV before, and I thought it would hurt more than it did. Bonus! I saw my RE, who looks remarkably athlectic in his scrubs and running shoes versus his office gear. The anaestheologist was the last one to the party. Here's part of the conversation that we had when he got there:

Anaesth: So, have you had anything to drink or eat this morning?
Me: Just water.
Anaesth: (looking alarmed)
Me: (Why is he alarmed?)
Anaesth: How much water have you drank?
Me: Well, about half that bottle (half a liter?)

Then he goes through the door and talks softly with my RE. They both come back together. I'm thinking, oh my heavens what is going on....

Anaesth: Well this is a really big problem.
Me: (Picking my jaw off the floor)
Anaesth: You weren't supposed to have anything to eat or drink in the last two hours. No one told you that?
Me: (This is where you should remember what the office manager told me on Friday!) No, gosh, your office lady just said nothing to eat or drink except clear liquids after midnight!! She didn't say anything about nothing for 2 hours!! Oh geez. Would it help if I pee?
Anaesth: (Laughing warmly) No, that won't help. The problem with having something in your stomach, even water, is that while you're sedated, your esophagus muscles relax and stuff from your stomach could come up and get in your lungs. And stomach acid in your lungs is not a good situation.
(Mr. A almost passes out in the corner.)
Anaesth: So we only have a couple options. Either we wait a few more hours...
(Now I about pass out.)
My RE: Well, we can't wait any amount of time because she already did the trigger for this to happen now.
Anaesth: Or we just use a different kind of medication on you, one that doesn't put you to sleep. You'll feel more pain...
Me: I don't care about pain!! I'll do whatever, just so that I'm not in danger and that this can still happen!!
My RE: We used to do egg retrievals without such complete sedation all the time. People used to bring in their favorite music to listen to!
Anaesth: Okay, well we'll just use a different medication on you, but be sure to tell me if it is too much and you want us to stop the procedure.
(I'm thinking, yah right, not in a million years!!!)

So, there I go, breaking another mold this cycle. The anaestheologist gave me less medicine than he normally gives people in preparation (relaxation) for their actual sedation. He and I talked the whole time about all kinds of random stuff, and he only had to give me a tad bit more medicine once. He kept saying how he couldn't believe that I went through that with such little medicine. I hope he doesn't try this on the next gal who might not have such a high pain tolerance!!!

Funny story, when they first started the procedure, my bladder was so full they had to drain it with a catheter to see my ovaries! Ha! Water, indeed!!!

All in all, they got 5 eggs!! And I'm under the impression (possibly incorrectly) that that is the number of mature ones because I had at least one more follicle than that and it took them a while after the syringe was passed through the window for them to say the egg count. I could be wrong. I'm praying they are all mature, though!! Overall, it wasn't too painful, although I felt the needle/aspiration, etc., just in a muted way, I guess. It's hard to explain. Afterwards, I felt like I was having period cramps. Luckily they had 2 tyl.enol and a heating pad waiting in my original room!! I was just so thankful that we got 5, even if they're not all mature!!

It didn't take me long at all to "recover", since I'd barely had any sedation medicine. Why didn't they have egg sandwiches on the menu? I settled for graham crackers ;-)

We planned to pick up some lort.ab on the way home. My nurse had called it into WalM.art ( which I hate), so I called when we were exiting to see if it was ready. They said they needed my info before even filling it! GRR. So I gave them everything, and they said it would be 25 minutes, so we went to the bagel shop to get lunch. Then we went back to get the prescription. I get up to pay, and they say that the birthdate year that I gave them is off of the one my nurse gave them.

REALLY PEOPLE? You think there is another me, with the same name, address, birthdate month, and birthdate DAY that you have to verify that I'm the same person as the one my nurse was talking about?? So we had to stand there another 10 minutes while they called my nurse and then (finally) filled it. UGHHH. Damn WalMar.t!!!

But, thankfully, we arrived home safely and Banana has kept me company all afternoon long! I have taken a nap and now writing this hugely-long post! I think another nap is in order after I'm finished!! And, we're ordering Chine.se for dinner- YAH!

So they're calling us with the fertilization report tomorrow. Please pray we have happy healthy babies growing!! Thank you so much for all your good thoughts and wishes and prayers! I think today is just an amazing example of one of my favorite Bible verses from Job:

I know that You can do all things, that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted (Job 42:1-2)

We're praying that it's God's purpose of bringing a little one to us this time, and that He used all the things that went "wrong" to show me that I really can trust Him to come through!! I've felt like that this whole cycle, and today was no different!! God is so good!!

So thank you, again, for all your prayers and thoughts! I will keep you posted!!

Ready to go!

Wow, I cannot even put into words how thankful I am for how this cycle is continuing to go! Ultrasound this morning reveals that all follicles are ready to go (1 29mm, 2 20mm, 1 18mm, 2 15mm)!!! My good gut feeling is still there- I feel like I'm living out Romans 8:28- that God is using what we learned last cycle for so much good this time!!

I also had bloodwork done, but the results are not in yet- it won't change the retrieval date (Wednesday), but it will give us an idea of how the follies are- it's been low(ish) in the past, but I'm praying for a solid number!!!

So, trigger tonight, retrieval Wednesday morning, (probably) transfer Saturday!! I will be PUPO just in time for Mother's Day!! Gosh, I can't believe it!! This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad (Ps 118:24)!!!

Thrilled!

Happy May! Thanks for all the feedback on my "What IF" post- It's uncharacteristic for me to dwell on negative outcomes like that, but it has crossed my mind several times lately, and I was glad to use the project as an avenue to let it out!

The ultrasound went really great this morning! My RE is thrilled with the results! (Quote!) I am up to 6 (maybe 7- one might be hiding?) follicles in the running!! They are not quite growing as fast as they would expect, but my RE said that in some of his reading/research about this protocol, it was mentioned that the antagon may slow down growth for some people. So they are not worried and are actually really pleased with how I'm responding!

I can't tell you how relieved I am. I mean, what an answer to prayer- in the affirmative!!! Please Lord continue to bless me with good growth of these follicles so they can meet up with some handsome swimmers and become our little January baby(s)!!

We are continuing with follistim/ganirelix tonight and tomorrow, and I have bloodwork and an ultrasound Monday morning. I think at that point, I'll start to get worried if they are STILL not big enough, but I'm pretty sure everything will be fine! I have such a great gut feeling about this cycle!! So, ER has been moved back to (probably) Wednesday, but that is okay!

AND, special shout out to my sister who got engaged last night!! Welcome to the family, PW!!!

And going....

I am back from my whirlwind work trip. It is so good to be home! And I am so thankful that home is a place I love to be.

But really, enough about home. I had another u/s today!

It's so nice to hear (again) that my uterus is beautiful and the lining is perfectly trilaminar. Now we just have to get a bugaboo in there!

My follies are all still growing, but some are not quite big enough to where my RE wants to trigger (21mm, 18mm, 2 14mm's, and 12mm). At first I was a little worried about this, but I had only taken 7 doses of follistim prior to the ultrasound and in all my other follistim cycles, I had stimmed for 9 or so days prior to the trigger. So for me, I think I'm still on track. Our goal (prayer request) is that at least four follies are at least 16mm by my next ultrasound on Saturday morning. I think we can do this!!

So, I wrote all the big checks and signed off on the anesthesia order and all that before I left the office. Whoa. I think my RE is encouraged by what he saw today and pretty much assuming things will look the way he wants them to on Saturday. Please Lord!

I am so grateful for how this cycle has gone so far and I'm still very hopeful and positive that we'll be pregnant this time! But I think I'm getting nervous! If all looks good on Saturday, ER will be Monday!!